Continued Grief Reflections

This is a continuation of my recent post about my father's death. It is also prompted by additional comment to that post from Boo, Beth, Flo and Cape Cod Kitty.

When I was in my early 30s, a co-worker's mother died. The co-worker was a grandmother and her mother well into her 90s but she and her mom were very close. They spoke at least three times a day on the phone and I know the mother had been very supportive to her daughter throughout the years including those spent in an abusive and difficult marriage. My co-worker was extremely grief stricken by her mom's death - her mom had been in good health up to that point and consequently she requested a two-week leave of absence. I found no problem with this but other co-workers raised their eyebrows in question. Why would she need so much time off?

As it turned out, my co-worker spent almost all of the two week-period of her time off in her attic going through her mother's possessions (I don't recall whose attic it was but it was an attic). I am reminded about this because of the response to my father's death, which was basically no response at all and Boo's comment that a death is a huge loss regardless of someone's age. Why do we not treat loss with more significance and compassion toward the grieving? I continue to struggle with this years after my husband's and then mother's and now my father's deaths.

My own mother was my rock throughout my husband's illness. She and my father could barely walk by that time, yet when I called them with emergency requests to watch my sons because I needed to get my husband to the ER, an hour away at the hospital he was being treated at, they came immediately and without any complaint. When my husband had his first stem cell transplant and had to stay in a special hotel for a few weeks in isolation he was unable to live there alone. My father ended up living with him because I had to be at home with the boys who were only 8 and 9. Again, no complaints at the hardship this caused my parents.

At the end, I would go into the hospital and spend the entire day sobbing. On the drive home to pick up the boys from the school aftercare, I would call my mom and talk to her about what the doctors had said, how my husband was doing (in a coma) and how I felt. She would stay on the line with me the entire hour drive home. She kept me sane during that period. And I have often reflected that I had such a hard time with my divorce because she was gone by then. She would have stood by me and probably said a thing or two to my soon-to-be-ex besides! Not having her support and love in my life made the divorce that much more difficult for me to get through. It has been about two years, and only now do I feel myself coming out of that fog of grief.

The absolute worst, most insensitive comment ever made to me about grief was said during my divorce mediation by the mediator who told me I had had so much experience with grief I should be better able to get over it more quickly. He also told me that since my marriage only lasted two years it wasn't really that much of a marriage and likewise I should be able to move ahead more quickly. I think of Boo's comments and say it didn't matter the marriage was only two years in duration. I adored my husband (he had saved me from widowhood) and I was absolutely devastated by the divorce and his rejection. Also, the fact that I had experienced the prior death of my husband and mom did nothing to brace me, strengthen me or make it easier for me to deal with my divorce. In the end, I think those events so close to one another actually made it far more difficult for me to face and deal with it. To this day I continue to miss and even love my ex-husband. Death, grief and loss don't always make us stronger. Sometimes I think they make us weaker.

And not having the support of my devoted mother only made it all the more challenging besides. I pay tribute here to my parents who stood by me in the darkest of my days. I wish my mom had been with me during my divorce but in some ways I think it is better that she died thinking that my life was okay and I had a husband to count on.

I have often said that I would never have started this blog if I hadn't divorced. This blog was my salvation from that event. I am a widow besides but it was really the divorce that plunged me into the deepest pit of despair and grief - unimaginable. I think some people think that I am still in some backward state of grief recovery because I am seven years out. But the loss of my beloved mother so soon after my husband and then my divorce was too much for me to bear. It was too much for my soul and heart to endure. There were some tough years following the divorce.

But I've survived, even after losing the house! I'm surely not thriving yet - life can still be a struggle. But I've gone on and even had another romantic relationship. And I've raised two boys totally on my own who've turned out to become pretty decent young men - I hear that in the apartment complex all the time - "Your boys are so nice," or "I really like your sons," or "Those are good kids there." Life has gone on but it has been hard and I'm not going to dismiss the challenges or heartache.

I wish it were easier for those of us on this road. I wish our society was kinder to widows and to anyone dealing with a loss. I have hoped these posts have helped others understand even just a little about what grief and loss do to the living. And you can be sure that I informed the mediator of his misconceptions.

Love and peace to all. And love and peace to those we have had to say goodbye to. Mom and Dad, I thank you for all you did for the boys and I. I probably never thanked you enough or conveyed how much I appreciated and loved you. I hope you know. Husband, know that everything I have done since your death has been for the boys and I know you must see them and be proud.

And now if I may add the wise words of author Jane Green here from "The Other Woman."

"I know that love isn't enough. You have to cherish the people you love, that saying I love you isn't ever enough, that you have to show that love each and every day, even when life threatens to get in the way.

If I may quote from someone else far more eloquent than I am, 'The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive.'"

Reinvention

Judith Viorst in her book "Necessary Losses," raises a distinction in regard to the death of a spouse as differing from that of another loved one. She explains that when a spouse dies, an entire way of life is also taken from the survivor and that in itself becomes another death to surmount.

I really identified with this description, it just rings so true with me and my experience. Right now I see my life as one of having to be totally reinvented by myself from the ground up. It is as though I am emerging from the womb naked and at this point everything necessary for my survival has to be provided by me. In a way, I am now serving as a parent to myself.

I lost every aspect of my previous life with the exception of my education which I've always believed can never be taken from you. My financial cushion is shattered, the home to provide some of that financial security is gone, I've lost my social network, I don't have a career or job in keeping with my interests, skills or educational level, the absence of emotional love, support and connection that was the heart and soul of my marriage has left me bitter, hopeless and drained.

Here I am at 51 needing to undertake a total rebuilding of my life for all levels and aspects and I don't seemingly have the strength, energy or even desire to do so right now. I'm exhausted from the years of sorrow and the constant getting up and facing the day on my own. At 51 I'm not sure anymore how much my depression, anxiety and exhaustion stem from my age and the beginnings of menopause or actual grief. Why does it have to be one or the other? Maybe I am suffering from both!

I thought the other day that I probably have a good 20 years left in the work place where I can be productive to others and derive some meaning and satisfaction for myself. I need to make a concerted effort to seek employment in my field and to regain my qualifications which are outdated.

But I admit I am utterly overwhelmed by the prospect of having to reinvent myself at so many levels, from the ground up while being naked! I don't know where to start and my fear combines with me just not doing anything. I lack a plan - I don't even know how to make a plan on a course of action. There seems to be too much to do and everything to do all at the same time. Do I focus more on one specific aspect or goal or try to work on them evenly at the same time? Having a better job would improve the financial end of life but having a better social support system would make it easier for me to focus on my work life.

I feel in similar ways to that of myself as a college student. I had a tough time figuring out what to concentrate on and ended up getting my BA with the 5-year plan because I'd changed my major so often. But at least back then I felt the support of family and friends behind me. I knew if I made a mistake and failed there would be a place for me to go and guidance in helping me figure out the next step. Now I am in the position of trying to guide my sons to the best of my ability and figure out this new personal path and I am feeling crushed under the pressure and responsibility.

I know that the optimistic thinkers and doers out there can to point to this as an opportunity for great growth and potential. Like those speeches you'd hear about being able to accomplish your dreams and aspirations. But I tell you, I didn't have any clue ahead of time that this would become the new state and reality of my life. Around me others are thinking about retirement and relaxation. It is a rude awakening to be plunged into a world where what you knew and are familiar with has been stripped away. I need to work at a better job simply to survive and assist my boys with their college educations. I don't have a choice. And rather than inspire me to more greatness, that in and of itself isn't a motivator. I'm being forced to survive whereas before in my old life, decisions I made were based on what I wanted to do on my terms. Kind of like now being forced at gun point to keep trudging forward, rather than do so willingly. It does make a difference.

Sitting here and brooding about all of this gets me nowhere. I suppose in the end, whatever step I end up taking, in whatever direction it is going, is one small step toward the future and going forward and an improvement from stagnating in my current fear and indecision. "Take a step. Any step. Take a chance, any chance and see where it leads and what comes of it."

How Can I Use This?

I have been struggling throughout this summer with comparisons of my life to other's and have been sending out the plea, "How can I deal with all this adversity?" Today, maybe I received a reply.

Reading through the daily newsletter I receive daily, "Lifescript," I saw a link to the very topic of adversity and immediately clicked. It was a question posed in the May 5, 2009 newsletter by a woman who wrote, "I have experienced extreme hardship and advrsity. How do I deal with it?" Now I could have been the same one asking this so I eagerly read the reply from the resident life coach.

The reply began with the reality that periods of hardship come into everyone's life, that adversity is part of the life experience, but that yes, there are some people out there seeming to get more of their share - some people's experiences are more severe. I'm grateful for this acknowledgment because so often I think that people try to ignore this fact or try to diminish it by saying everyone deals with hardship, grief and pain. Just having someone nod their head in agreement that some of us get dealt a way heavier hand gives me some peace. It helps me not think I'm crazy or bitter for believing that my life hasn't been a bed of roses. But I'm getting off track with this. That isn't the point of this post. I just get frustrated when people try to diminish my hardships as I suppose anyone would by simply saying all humans end up suffering. Especially when the hardships I am trying to cope with don't seem to be abating.

But the real point here is for anyone suffering through hard times or adversity right now regardless of the severity is that all of us can benefit from adopting a different mindset. The key is not to ask "How can I get through this?" but instead, "How can I use this?" When I thought about this immediate relief flowed through me. I've been grasping at straws for the keys to help me endure this rough period of my life. And that might not be the way to help me through this. Prayer, positive thinking, emotional support from family and friends and counseling are all lifelines in times of trouble but they may not give us the motivation to strive forward that a new perspective does.

As an option to the self-help measures I've been seeking, asking myself "What can I learn from this pain?"

"How can I grow from this experience?" and

"How can I be a better person because of this hardship?

release me from trying to find a cure from my misery and heartache. I'm removed from having to fix myself and the situation immediately or to even feel better about it. I don't have to pretend I'm strong or to admit that this is a life lesson I'm happy to be learning. I can simply let the reality of my life be and exist around me while propelling forward with the hope that in the end, I'll become a better person. Such a relief. Because I'm not sure there are any answers out there to surviving adversity. You suck up and get through it as best you can and it is crummy and hard and painful.

I'm not going so far as to say that there is a silver lining behind all hardship - I'm not there yet. But I am willing to believe (with a glimmer) that from negative experiences, we can strive for better futures and that in the end, they can be built.

"How can I use this, what can I learn, how can I grow, how can I become a better person?" I don't have immediate answers to any of these questions right now but they seem to provide me with a relief "How can I get through this?" never did. It gives me more strength and power to hang in rather than try to totally delete this part of my life, which most of the time seems to be the best but not easiest option. Because in the end, you just can't cut out certain parts of your life - they're there and you're stuck with them as much as I wish the past seven years would just go away. But we are a sum total of all our parts and experiences from all our years here. So rather than fight and run away from the adversity beast, I have to finally face it.

Weary Winter Widowhood

We are under a winter storm advisory for the next 40 hours! This morning wasn't too bad dropping the boys off at school, although there was an accident near the high school. There always seem to be those on days like this. Poor, inexperienced teen drivers going off the road and hitting the signs of businesses. This car's whole front end was crushed.

As I was driving with the snow coming down I thought about how these winter storms are similar to widowhood. The first time one hits in late November or early December, there is a sense of resolve and strength is facing the novelty of it. Getting through it one thinks, "Now that wasn't so bad. I did it. We made it through!" But by the time you're on the fourth or fifth snowstorm, some of that optimism and courage has faded. "Not this again! I can't bear another one of these. When will spring be here?"

Another factor in battling the storm of widowhood is that one has to face the challenging elements on one's own, when in the past they were faced with a partner. Then, to top that off the widowed are in various stages of grieving. So add into the mix having to cope and carry on while being depressed and/or hopeless. We're tired and not thinking too clearly, yet we're plunged into a situation where we need to remain alert and exert ourselves physically. No wonder as the weeks go by we become even more depleted while those around us expect us to be stronger!

Having to keep running on empty is a good description here. The novelty has definitely worn off.

The untouched will come back with wisdom such as "Hang in there. Spring is coming. It is just around the corner." But the snow falling just seems to represent more of an avalanche to me. I feel like I am being buried alive. I've been through a number of winters and springs now. Yes, the spring returns but eventually so do the snowstorms. This is becoming more depressing than I'd thought it would. Sorry for the discouraging imagery.

I tried to plan for this winter onslaught by doing my running around yesterday. The nursing home facility I visited and applied at actually expressed some interest in hiring me. But the big boss wasn't there so they couldn't make an offer. I knew that I'd be cooped up inside today and have given myself permission to take some time off to knit a heart as a decoration for the door. I will bake a chocolate chip coffee cake for the boys. Tonight I am making a dinner I always make on snow days. Pure comfort food and it will use those 99 cent chicken cutlets I just bought. You mix a box of Stove Top Stuffing with the turkey or chicken, add sour cream, a can of cream of chicken soup and some frozen vegetables. Bake at 350 - the recipe can be located at Stove Top's web site. It also used to be on the back of the box but since I am only buying off-brand items these days I'm not sure if it is still there!

I am making this dish for myself since the boys aren't that fond of it. It is comfort food I enjoy. I am giving myself some scheduled time off today to knit because I know I am depleted, tired and have reached a point where the snowstorms are making me a little stir crazy! I suppose that is the moral of this winter tale. We have no choice but to face the snow falling. Spring is still pretty far off in the distance. Until it arrives, it is up to us to carve out little pockets of thaw in our lives in whatever ways we can. For me, that involves cooking, baking, food, reading and knitting.
For all of those who are facing winter snowstorms that were never predicted and blew into your life with such force and intensity you were knocked off your feet, you have my sympathy and compassion as we all pick up our snow shovels to face the blinding winds yet another time!

Today I am grateful:

1. For snow plows.
2. For meteorologists.
3. For the National Weather Service.
4. For weather predictions so accurate they can advise you when the first flakes will actually start falling.
5. For instant stuffing mix and all other convenience foods someone had to invent way back that do make our lives easier.

An Onion and a Few Potatoes

First, let me report that "payback" has been received and it only took one day! After helping Sam out of a financial jam by depositing some funds into his account, my good deed was rewarded by some unexpected financial gain! I am applying for health insurance benefits and had to locate certain records. While going through my file that stores our birth certificates, social security cards and the like, I came across some old savings bonds totaling $150.00. So that means if getting through the end of the month is a challenge, I do have a way of seeing it through! Whether or not all future favors are paid back in such a way is not the issue here because in the end, I want to be in reciprocal relationship with others. But it is an interesting development and food for thought about the whole Universal Law of Attraction theory and all.

Yesterday was spent focused on the insurance matter. Today I have to buckle down and put together a new resume suited for job hunting as a CNA. Having not been out in the job force for a number of years, I am a bit intimidated. Things have really changed since I last looked for a "real" job over 10 years ago! And I have to also admit that my ego took a tremendous bruising and battering with the divorce. There is a part of me that sees myself as a "bad" and incompetent person, which of course is totally false but I was emotionally wounded and have doubts about my worth. Attaining a job and working at it well will do loads for making me feel more balanced and adjusted.

So, today is a start in that direction. I find myself struggling less and less with thoughts of how this is not supposed to be. That we shouldn't be living in this apartment, that I shouldn't be seeking work as a CNA (I'm a master's level clinican for goodness sakes), that I shouldn't be on my own instead of married... Somehow, I am embracing the here and now of my reality with less horror and shame.

In that vein, I read a little entry from a book last night that really resonated with me. It is from a book published in 2004 titled "Younger by the Day," by Victoria Moran. It is presented in journal fashion with an entry for each day focused on ways to live, think and act younger. This is the entry for January 18:

"The Best-Laid Plans"

"One reason midlife disappointment is all too common a syndrome is that we sometimes reach the point of having our plans play out, and we don't like what we see. Someone may have liberally (to her thinking) given her children lifestyle choices A, B, and C, only to find as adults they've chosen D, "none of the above." Someone else may have done everything right: worked hard on her job and in her marriage, saved regularly for blissful retirement, and then found herself widowed, or caring for a partner with a debilitating disease.

Such things happen because life on earth is not a sure thing. We can do our best, hedge our bets, put unassailable actions behind well-conceived plans, and still find ourselves the exception to the rule. What do you do in a case like this? First, feel what it feels like - probably rotten. Sit with the feelings. Write about them. Talk about them. But don't reach for them when they start to subside. They're meant to go, and you're meant to go forward.

Going forward means acquiring the kind of flexibility that can make something lovely out of Plan B. It's seeing the big picture that you're a soul on a path, rather than the little picture of you as a woman alone, or one whose retirement savings half vanished at the whim of the stock market. It's making beauty out of the available ingredients, the way you can make a nourishing soup out of last night's leftovers plus an onion and a few potatoes.

And it's the stalwart commitment to continue making plans and doing the work to fulfill them. If you make them, they MIGHT not turn out. If you don't, they WILL not. Give yourself the best odds for the best life. Work with what you've got - that onion and those potatoes - and concoct something warm and comforting and delicious."

I read this last night and it gave me such peace and calm. I don't believe this author truly recognizes how derailing tragedy can be. My personal grief from my husband's death, my divorce and everything inbetween has taken more than a just "talk it out or write it down" strategy. Let's throw in loads of grief therapy and personal emotional work. In other words, it's not that simple or striaightforward. But I do appreciate this author's overall tone and message. Right now I AM starting over but I do have a CNA certificate to get my foot in the door. And hopefully that will be my onion and potatoes - the start to a better, future opportunity more in line with my education and experience. But no one says that leftover stew can't be pretty darn tasty, rewarding and filling in the meantime!

Today I am grateful:

1. That the freezing rain did not come last night.
2. That I have built up a nice and substantial book collection.
3. For our computer and internet access.
4. For being able to have a strong cup of tea every morning.
5. For having nice items I can donate to Goodwill.

If Her Husband Hadn't Died...

I wanted this blog to tell the story of a woman who wouldn't be writing it, if her husband hadn't died.

If her husband hadn't died, she would not be sitting in this apartment having had to sell her home for virtually no profit 2 1/2 months ago.

If her husband hadn't died, she never would have married the man who ended up devastating her emotionally and financially.

If her husband hadn't died, she wouldn't be so careworn and exhausted.

If her husband hadn't died, their sons would almost certainly have better grades and be more adjusted (and happier and less troubled).

If her husband hadn't died, she never would have left her part-time counseling job with the county.

If her husband hadn't died, she would not have gone six long years without any kind of vacation (even a mini weekend getaway).

If her husband hadn't died, the vast majority of the household goods owned by the family would not be sitting in two extremely untidy storage units.

If her husband hadn't died, a small family would not currently be on the brink of losing everything.

If her husband hadn't died, their sons would not be celebrating Christmas for the second year in a row without receiving presents.

If her husband hadn't died, there would not have been the financial struggle that has existed and which just worsened with the divorce and Recession.

If her husband hadn't died, this woman would not have had to go looking for another partner with whom to share her life since she wants to be with someone. Happy dating in the land of middle-age flab, sags, grey hair and wrinkles! Not to mention financial and ex-spouse baggage. And all the drama that goes with the kids. Whoo hoo! It is time to party! Oh and then there is all the fun worrying about STDs.

If her husband hadn't died, life would not have been the challenge it has been the past six long years.

This is not some joke or fiction. It is all real and I do my best to convey what is happening in my life honestly. Why? Maybe it will end up helping someone along the way. Maybe my tale will let others know that grief doesn't stop after the first year. And for some of us, the secondary losses of financial hardship, divorce after remarriage and only parenting take a far greater toll than the actual death of our spouses. I hope maybe to somehow get through that women like me fall through the cracks because we don't qualify for any financial assistance but that what we earn on our own isn't enough to raise the children that were left behind for us to bring up on our own. I hope to depict that it is a very hard and lonely road for some of us to stumble along everyday.

New challenges abound. If we remarry and move, how will that impact our kids? What about the kids who have led a less than stable life in their formative years? How screwed up will mine be having been rejected by their mom's second husband so soon after their beloved Dad died? Everyone says kids are resilient and will come out just fine. But I'm not sure I believe that anymore. No one seems to remember the kids or the widow after the first few months. But where was the magic wand that was supposed to be waved to have made it all better? Do people honestly think that with the passage of time everything just turns out? It doesn't for some of us, nor is being an only parent the best thing for kids. They need and deserve to be raised in a family or at least within a loving network that provides support to the widow/widower and the kids. But for some of us without much family, our lives become isolated and we parent on our own out of necessity. It is a very hard job to undertake. No one sees the underlying stress and strain that results from this relentless job.

It snowed this morning and here again comes my greatest fear of the winter - that I will fall and break a leg and there will be no one to assist me with the kids or my recovery. I will myself not to get sick every year because I cannot afford to.

I wish I were not this woman whose husband died and that the following years had not led us to this point. I wish you had all gotten to know the woman I was before stress and strain left me jaded and pessimistic and so down all the time. I wish this were not my real life and I was just making all this up!

If My husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be in front of this computer screen, all of the crazy events of the past years would have never happened and I would just be a normal, middle-aged soccer mom who had never even thought of the screen name Widow-in-the-Middle. Tonight I just so wish I was that normal, middle-aged mom. I want to pretend that I am for a little while.

Burdened by Burdens

A big reason I started to post and continue to do so was to illustrate the life of a widow burdened by burdens in addition to grief after the death of a spouse - financial hardship, divorce after widowhood, lack of family support, illness and the death of other family members, having to move from one's long-time suburban home into a box (apartment), losing one's socioeconomic status and having to continue to raise children as an only parent, as well as weather the storms of daily life (big thunderstorms and milder sprinkles).

I've experienced a slew of losses in a small amount of time and it has been very difficult for me to pick up the pieces and get my feet back on the ground. I have struggled. It would have been hard enough to just have been a widow. Most of the losses that followed my husband's death were flukes of timing and circumstances - all the events involving my parents' illnesses, my Mom's eventual death and the selling of their home. To add insult to injury, just a week after my Mom's death a high level tornado stormed by my home and I was left with extensive yard damage to clean up. I mention that incident because the past six years it has been like that. One crazy thing happening directly after another. One hard situation would end to only be replaced by another. Let me tell you, it is not easy to focus on a ravaged yard when you're grieving your Mom on your own as a relatively new widow yourself.

I wanted to convey that for some of us, the losses coming after the first strike of death were far more difficult to survive.

I wanted to depict that life is fragile - one moment you can be a middle-class suburban soccer mom living a comfortable lifestyle to wake up the next day and have that familiar reality ripped from you.

I wanted to grapple with the reality of life not being fair - that you can be a good, kind, decent person and still have to face more hardship than what others seem to have to face.

I wanted to tell my story to prove that for some of us struck by poverty, it is not because we're uneducated, drug using criminals. Some of us are intelligent with even advanced degrees. But we're struck down by ill-timed circumstances and flukes of fate.

I hoped to illustrate discrepancies in our country's social services network that is supposed to help our citizens in need. I've related having to go to a food bank and apply for services such as food stamps and my state's health insurance program. Problem is, I am not eligible for any services. The economic criteria used to calculate assistance is out-of-date and no longer applicable. It is a pretty hard pill to swallow to live in the greatest nation in the world and to have fallen on hard times. Because there are some of us who will slip through the cracks and not receive assistance. The state considers my pension of $2,200.00 monthly too much to qualify for any kind of benefit. Yet, I think most of us can plainly recognize that this amount is not enough for one person, let alone three to live on. After not being able to find full-time work in my field because I've been out of the work force, as well as the Recession, I've had to go back to school just to be able to get my foot in the door and get a job with benefits.

I hoped that in maybe sharing my story, readers would ultimately be less judgmental toward others, in particular those in financial crisis.

I hoped to show that grief and loss is so far reaching. It can start out as a single domino and quickly crescendo out of control as the others in the row start toppling.

And more than anything, I wanted to share that going on living as a widow, on one's own can be the most difficult challenge to have to face. It is kind of like a never-ending circle. You're facing hardship because of the loss but then you have even more made harder because you're on your own. It just keeps going on and on and the dominoes continue to fall.

Life's Path

I have recently received some comments from womanNshadows, Sari, Bec and Judy S. that were just what I needed to hear. These past weeks I have been in such a struggle to try and be happy despite all the grief surrounding me and I also have been struggling with the concept of trying to see the good in my husband's death.

These women gave me some insight that I was unable to see myself - that it is okay to be grieving during this time and not be happy; that some losses can't be gotten through so you live on despite the loss and make the best of your future; that the death of a good husband is crappy and there may not be any good to be found in the loss; and the biggest key is to cultivate joy and happiness in one's life even having faced significant loss. That happiness can be found again in spite of the previous pain and suffering.

My mind has become much less burdened by the wisdom of these kind souls who took the time to convey their thoughts and beliefs to me. I feel so much more free to be able to acknowledge that I don't need to"get over" my husband's death - yes, I'll need to adapt and cope but it is not an event that I'll ever totally "get through." I love the concept of experiencing future happiness - that perhaps the greatest testament to my strength and healing will be to go on and experience joy despite the hardships.

Today at work I adapted some of these ideas to my feelings of dissatisfaction with my current job. I thought to myself that this is a job I took as a temporary bridge to being in some income while I sell my house and get my feet back on the ground. No where is it written in stone that this will be the last job I'll ever have. As my life stabilizes, I'll be in a better position to pursue jobs in my field of social services. For now, it is what it is - and that is okay (thanks to womanNshadows for this perspective). Again, I felt such relief and a weight off my shoulders.

The hardships will eventually lessen - someday soon I'll be back in my field doing the work I love. It'll all be okay - right now this is where I'm at on the path - and the fact that my feet are even hitting the road is a good place to be.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful park in our center of town
2. For the misty half-moon I can see from the window
3. For Poptarts (sometimes I really just have a craving for them!)
4. For this year's set of Fall magazines coming out soon
5. For geometric coloring books, find-it puzzles and word searches (so adults can have fun too)

Strength

My girlfriend and I went out Friday night to hear a band one of her friends plays in. While out, she told me that she thinks I am very strong handling all that is going on in my life right now. In fact, she said I am much stronger now than when I got remarried almost three years ago.

I told her that I do not consider myself that strong right now. I'm doing what I have to do - what other choice is there if I want to keep living? I need to be here for my boys so as hard as life is I can't zone out, or drink to deaden my pain or not work (because we need the extra money my job brings in for essentials). So I'm not sure that qualifies me for any great award here. If you're doing what you have to do because there is no other choice, that's what it is whether I'm strong or not.

Today I am grateful:

1. For iced tea.
2. That I have enough summer clothes and shoes so I don't need to buy anything new (although I could really use a new bra).
3. For bright summer nail polish colors.
4. For the church bells I hear chime from my open window.
5. For the train horns I also hear from my windows (I grew up hearing the train from my childhood home too and it is a comforting sound for me).

The World Can't Stop Because ____________

Last night I watched a movie that just blew me away! Director King Vidor's, 1928 silent classic, "The Crowd." I had never heard of it before but it is better late than never. The plot is about an "everyman" and the trials and tribulations he faces as a young, married father in New York City. Although this movie is 80 years old, the depictions of marital struggles, especially the cold/unaccepting mother-in-law are priceless and hold true even today. Even the financial conflicts between husband and wife are relevant to today's economy. Which I guess goes to show that human nature is what it is and doesn't change that much over the years. We all want to be loved and happy - to provide for our family and to feel some importance in the world.

But what really gripped me were the ways in which grief and tragedy were portrayed. And again, I found them similar to today's reactions. The young family faces a horrific tragedy when their baby daughter is hit by a truck in a senseless, freak accident. As the family waits to learn of their of their daughter's fate, the father becomes crazed with grief. He can't be still and runs out to the busy street where he tries to demand that the world become more quiet. As this scene played out, I understood exactly what was going through this man's head. When someone you love is dying, you just want the world to stop if even for a moment! A policeman interacts with the father and curtly says, "Get inside! The world can't stop because your baby's sick!" A very modern reaction to such a situation today, as well. In subsequent scenes, the father pretty much goes to pieces in his grief but is not supported or understood by his co-workers - he is expected to get over it and move on. Again, current expectations about how people should handle grief. The quote that is shown on screen during this part of the movie says it all: "The crowd laughs with you always...but it will cry with you for only a day."

This movie was considered too depressing for its time (early Depression - people only wanted to see fun movies to escape their reality). But the director insisted the movie be produced as per his vision - a realistic portrayal of honest life. It is the first movie ever to show a toilet - again the director took flack for this as people going to the show didn't want to be reminded of bodily functions. But again, he insisted the toilet remain in the footage because it is a fact of life! There is a camera tracking scene in which the side of a skyscraper is panned up from the bottom to the top and ends by going into a window which leads to a wide scene of a huge office space. This is considered to be one of the most famous tracking scenes in the history of movies. In fact, some people say you should see this great movie if only because of this camera mastery - I don't know how they accomplished that feat back then - utterly spectacular - it took my breath away as I watched!

The end of the movie really put the whole viewing into perspective for me. The MGM executives had seven different endings shot because of their view that the movie was too depressing. But the director's first choice was used. The movie ends with the small family taking a break from their tragedy by going to a vaudeville show. They are shown laughing in the large theatre as the camera pans away from them. I was overcome with the meanings this ending evoked for me; that life can overcome tragedy; that life can go on; that it is possible to be happy again and most importantly, how we all need love in our lives and if we have it, life will be survivable. All beliefs I hold to be true since facing my losses.

On a personal note, what watching this movie made me realize is that I need to watch more movies and go out and do more for myself. I do read a lot because I can do it easily and with the time I have but I need to see more of the world and to be exposed to more priceless gems such as this movie. There are more restaruants to try, more parks to explore, more antique shops to discover to name just a few!

Today I am grateful:

1. To have had an opportunity to view this masterpiece of our history.
2. For the creative genius of the director, King Vidor.
3. To realize that insights can be gained from the past.
4. For the vitalization and perspective one gets from being exposed to art in all forms.
5. For the excitement for living this movie brought out in me.

Divorce Grief

I am going to have to devote a few more posts to the end of my marriage because it is where I am and I need to process, vent and tell my story in order to move on. A few days ago, my nice guyfriend gave me the typical response we hear so much while grieving - "Get over your ex-husband and move on." What is so frustrating about these words is that the person saying them never offers any wisdom as to exactly how we're supposed to "get over it." Do people really think that we can just turn on some sort of switch inside us and stop thinking about our losses whether they result from death, divorce or some other hardship?

If there had been any kind of pill I could have taken to have avoided the last nine months of pain that I've endured, let me tell you, I would have been the first one to take it (maybe even before FDA approval). Working through the grief of my failed marriage has been excruciatingly tough and brutal. Perhaps for me, some of the difficulty has been because the divorce followed so closely behind the death of my husband and then my Mom. I'm not even sure how much I'd successfully grieved those losses before the marriage blew up.

Each loss is different and has to be grieved in its own way. Each person is so unique with an equally unique life history. For that reason, those grieving often find themselves facing other losses from the past, that have resurfaced because they remain unresolved. My friend and all the others who tell us to move on as quickly as possible mean well, but it is not the answer. The only way to the other side is to stand in the face of the storm and reflect on all those painful emotions and NOT just put them on a shelf to deal with sometime later.

So that is what I am going to try to do now with the next couple of posts - devote some time for thought and reflection regarding my divorce (it is hard to even type that word). I hope that in doing so, it will help me get to the other side. Where that other side is and what it exactly looks like, I'm not sure yet. But anything that is less painful than this will be better!

Sleeping with all the lights on and other oddities

When my husband died, beginning that very first night, I started sleeping with all or most of the lights on in the house. This went on for months. Before his death, even though he had spent very long stretches in the hospital, I had felt safe because he was still alive. Once he died, I realized how vulnerable and truly alone I really was. I became afraid. Frightened of every small sound inside and out. Frightened of ghosts, intruders, animals (no doubt with rabies), storms and the dark. I was pretty much fine during the day, but when night and darkness descended I almost became another person.

During this time (those first months after he died) I would fall asleep with my clothes on having not brushed my teeth or washed my face. I would sleep fitfully and wake up in the middle of the night and then being unable to go back to sleep, I'd read for a few hours.

Now as I get through the first months of my divorce, I am repeating some of the same patterns. By 8:00 p.m. I am exhausted and lie down just for a moment to wake up to find that it is 1:00 a.m. and I am still fully clothed. I am sleeping fitfully and restlessly. Not good, solid sleep at all. I feel all those same fears returning but this time when I wake up I go downstairs and turn all the lights off. I think back to what the divorce mediator told me - that having already survived the death of a husband at a young age, any future hardship should be easier to get over. I know he meant well and was trying to be encouraging but I do not agree with his reasoning because grief is grief no matter how many times you have to feel it. But I understand that I do have some experience with what it takes to survive hurt and pain.

Maybe a little wiser, that's all. The anguish of being rejected so cruelly is especially painful. I think after my husband died that I thought I would receive some kind of future immunity from further pain or suffering. It would bypass me in the future because it had already reared its ugly head. Well, that theory has certainly been a total bust as evidenced by living through an exceptionally difficult five-year period.

So, many of those awful feelings we all so much want to avoid have returned as I face this new loss. The same symptoms, the same pain, the same weird sleeping habits. Only this time I am turning off the lights in the house because I know he isn't coming back. When I think of those first months following my husband's death five years ago, I am struck by the realization that perhaps my leaving the lights on had less to do with my fears but more from my mistaken hope that if only I left them on, he would find his way back home to me and the boys.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all that my husband's death has taught me (I could just have a post on that).
2. That I realize what is truly important in life - love, relationships, family, personal growth, integrity, honesty, kindness, compassion - certainly not fame and fortune (although of course we need money to survive).
3. That I didn't waste my personal "wake-up call" which came when my husband died. I have tried to live my life as a better person since his death and will continue to strive even more so in the wake of my divorce.

Focusing on the Present

I had a migrane today when I woke up and I realized I had been dreaming about my soon-to-be ex-husband, which I have been doing with increased frequency. I remembered that what I had been dreaming about were the "what ifs" and lost chances, how much I was at fault, etc. That was all certainly a downer and depressing. Then it was snowing quite a bit and I got to worrying about what will happen next winter when I have a job. What if the weather is snowy and lousy and I am afraid to drive because if I get in an accident I will not be able to replace the van. I was caught frantically between the past and the future, ironically, neither of which exist! My emotions were heightened and I was becoming agitated with fear. But really over what since the dimensions of past and future aren't actual? The only time that is real is the present.

Back in November when I was struggling with all of this I purchased a bracelet from the Signals catalog bearing this inscription: "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment - Buddha." I was finding that if I could remain focused on the day or time at hand I was much less likely to become freaked out and scared. I wanted to wear the bracelet to help me stay focused on this. I also began to wear inexensive affirmation jewelry such as bracelets with the peace sign and some rings with healing crystals. Anything that could help me stay focused on what I can control and not what is out of my complete jurisdiction because it doesn't exist!

Forgiveness

It is like the floodgates have opened and I am being immersed in a sea of insight and understanding. I have for so long agonized over the concept of forgiveness and feeling quite certain that I would never be able to grant that to Husband #2. I read a couple of books on the topic including "Forgive and Forget - Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" by Lewis B. Smedes but just could not grasp the concepts involved. I reexamined this topic reading "Storms Can't Hurt the Sky - A Buddhist Path Through Divorce" by Gabriel Cohen and again could not see how it is possible to view a person's intentionally hurtful acts separately from who they are as a human being. I was unable to observe the two on their own and could only see them as connected. But having completed divorce mediation on Thursday I have since had a change of perspective. The fact that my husband lacked the courage or decency to say goodbye in person and then literally ran from the law office when the mediation was completed allows me to see him as a pretty damaged and tormented soul. My compassion for him has come out. And I can see that what he did stemmed from his inability to be able to successfully engage in relationships. It is a horible weakness but one that I would bet has its roots in very early childhood. I don't think Husband #2 has a clue what he is running from or even why - just that he has to run from the pain because he cannot face it. Gabriel Cohen talked a lot about the concept of seeing people (especially the ones who hurt us) as being just like us in that we are all just trying to escape pain and find happiness.

So finally I am understanding how it is possible to view a person's behavior as separate from who they really are - a fellow person trying to avoid pain and suffering. It is helpful for me to use metaphors when working out issues and in this case I view forgiveness as the butter you spread on a piece of bread. The more you can slather on the better! That additional butter will spread and spread and spread - to you, the person you are forgiving and ultimately others.

Get a Grip!

I read a lot (or I try to) and I would list reading as one of my hobbies when I can squeeze in a moment of free time. The entire first year following my husband's death, I chose to only read novels that contained in them a character's death. It did not need to be the main character or the subject of the book but there had to be some mention of death within the pages. I grew tired of only reading depressing stories after about a year and was able to move on to other topics. But even now, I would say that I tend to read more novels focused on death than the average person. I have just devoured a fantastic read by Sue Miller who also wrote "Missing Mom," which I read as a tribute to my mother last May (in honor of Mother's Day). This last book, "Lost in the Forest" sat on one of my book shelves for a couple of years. It is about a middle-aged/divorced mom who loses her second husband after he is killed in a horrific fluke accident when a car hits him. I find it interesting that the book spoke about the grief involved with divorce and death so it was a totally appropriate read for me. The descriptions of grief and loss are so accurate, unlike other novels where the writer seems not to have had any actual experience with such emotions.

What really struck me was a passage that I am going to put down here.
Eva is the mom and Daisy is her teenaged daughter. Their exchange is on p. 178 of my paperback copy.

[As they turned onto Kearney Street and approached their house, Eva said abruptly, "Sometimes I can't stand it."
Daisy, who had been thinking about happiness, about Duncan, about sex, was startled. "Can't stand what?"
Eva was quiet for a moment. "Can't stand how hard it seems, how complicated it is - life - without John." Then, passionately, "I hate coming home, sometimes. I hate it."
"God, Mom." Daisy felt that she was being blamed somehow, accused. That Eva wouldn't be saying this to her unless she was still angry. That her mother's sorrow was connected to her, to all that she didn't do, couldn't be, for her. And what this produced in Daisy was the impulse to turn away. She simply couldn't add her mother's sorrow or confusion or anger to her own. She didn't have the strength to carry any more than she felt she was carrying.
"Get a grip," she said, and went ahead of her mother up the walk to the lighted house.]

There is something that strikes me to the core in this beautifully written exchange between mother and daughter. I think it has such an impact on me because over the past week I too have been saying, "I just can't stand how hard it is anymore" in reference to the pain, heartache, stress and confusion I too feel. The "Get a grip" response is one that is so like a teenager and as I have two, I could also identify with it. But really what I have personally found is that the "Get a grip" reply is how most of the world has looked on my situation. As if my friends and family, like Daisy, cannot add to their own personal burdens and it is almost easier to blame the grieving person for not being able to handle it than offer a comforting gesture.

My big problem with all of this is that I just don't know how to "Get a grip." I am overwhelmed and down and feeling tremendous pain. It would be good if all those who tell me to "Get a grip" would follow it with some advice on how I'm supposed to do that. I guess in the end it is just putting one foot in front of the other, or tackling one project at a time. For me this phrase conjures up an image of me trying to get a grip on a big, fat rope but that my hands just keep slipping down. We're supposed to be getting a grip but no one is there holding the rope for us.

Death vs. Divorce - which is harder

I have been really struggling with the grief and loss I feel about the end of my marriage. For me, this process is far more painful than what I went through when I was widowed five years ago. I think it has to do with the fact that Husband #2 made a conscious decision to leave the marriage, whereas Husband #1 had no choice in dying. So much of the situation mirrors an actual death. Husband #2 has refused to speak with me about the divorce and I do not have a definitive explanation as to why he wants out. Even the fact that I think Husband #2 has intimacy problems (he had not been in a relationship the five years prior to meeting me which included not having sex for five years!) does not make it easier to comprehend and move on.

I feel that I need an opportunity to respond verbally to Husband #2's divorce action but he has cut me off from any opportunity to do so. I sent him several emails but am not sure he received or read them as he did not reply. This has just left everything hanging for me and although I can suspect why he filed, not knowing for certain causes doubt and confusion. I believe that Husband #2 is exerting such rigid control in an effort to avoid feeling intense hurt. He had little experience in relating to others having been in only a few very short term relationships throughout his life. For example, he did not date in college and only started dating at age 25. He also never was married and had no children and I think that he exhibits a preference for living on his own. In the end, he could not adjust to a life involving a wife and two teen boys. He is far more comfortable living in his own limited little world.

So far it has been much easier for me to write about Husband #1 and his death but I am ready to undertake more introspection about the end of my marriage.

Today I am thankful:

1. For friends who care about us and are kind enough to take us bowling and lunch out. What a treat!
2. For friends who ask how our day is and really want to hear the answer.
3. That the world and Universe are large enough to provide more than one partner for each of us.

Looking out through a different pair of glasses

I have been thinking about our recent visit to the hospital and the myriad of feelings, emotions and memories it unleashed. What came up was the general dislike of hospitals (the anxiety, fear and dread they stir up) and the memories of my husband's hospitalizations (as well as all the other ones we have encountered over the years). Then there was sadness over realizing that life has gone on over the past five years and there hasn't been much opportunity for incorporating memories of my husband into our lives (we have not observed his birthday or date of death with a special tribute). Although just yesterday I asked my son what his Dad would have told him about his wanting to quit the sport he is currently involved in, references like this have just come fewer and farther between. It is not that we have intentionally forgotten our loved one, it is just that current life with all its complexities involves most of our focus and effort. We don't have much free time to fondly reminisce. Along that line, I was discouraged to realize on Saturday night that details of my husband's illness have faded and no longer hold the intensity or importance they once did. And there was also the realization of how much my sons' lives have been changed (for the better and worse) having lost their father during childhood.

As I have pondered and processed all of this I have compared myself and my sons to other mothers and teens who have not faced as many losses in their lives. What do these individuals think and feel as they enter the sliding glass doors of the hospital? Surely not the hodgepodge of confusion, grief, anger, regret, pain and resentment that my sons and I are hit with. It is like having been forced to wear another pair of glasses the rest of our lives - to belong to a "club" so few others belong to and cannot even begin to understand. My sons and I are forever changed by the death of my husband and when we approach any situation it is through a different perspective and insight. In a way, this adds to our burden because we have to deal with and manage more baggage than others. Unfair and difficult, to be sure. But it became our reality that night five years ago when we were given the new labels of "widow" and "fatherless child."

Today I am thankful:

1. That we have heat, running water and a washing machine/dryer (I would not have made a good pioneer).
2. That a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of cold milk can go a long way in making someone feeling down, a little better.
3. That despite the hardships, my boys and I have survived and we continue to do so. And that we can proudly add the label "survivor" to our list of life credits.