Simplicity

Continue to struggle big time with all of the unbalance in my life. Maybe it stems from being the start of Spring and our desire to clean up house, new beginnings and fresh starts.

Widows carry a lot of stuff on their shoulders. I think about the fact that I have a senior in high school with another senior next year. That's a lot right there not to mention dealing with the finances, upkeep of home, meals, shopping, laundry, etc. I manage the lives of two adolescent males. I still have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and then take the steps to get there. There is a career change in the works. I am still unsettled from the move from house to apartment and the grief/sadness/loss from the death of husband #1 and divorce from husband #2 sometimes reappear.

Perhaps when we are at our most busy and overwhelmed with so many life changes we need to scale back and keep life as simple as possible. I was reminded of this with my daily email from author Lissa Coffey through CoffeyTalk.com. The other day she spoke about the book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read the book years ago.

Basically, the book sets out four principles to help us lead better lives through The Four Agreements which are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

I went to my bookshelves and after a bit of a search (the books are still somewhat disorganized from the move), located this little volume. It seems a good book to take out and reread right now.

Funny, in her weekly email from the knit club leader, she also wrote about feeling highly unbalanced as of late. I sent her an email copying in Lissa Coffey's message and suspecting she had already read The Fourth Agreement, which she had. She emailed back that now there is a book about The Fifth Agreement, which she just bought, and I am curious about checking that out after I reread about the four agreements again.

As I struggle with major life changes wrecking havoc on my soul, the knit club leader related her current struggles with angst. She is struggling with what books to read next and about taking her next classes in The Library Assistant Program. Her two kids are out of college and grown. She has a hubby. Hmmmmm... I need to put a lid on my hmmmm and remember to not make any assumptions!

When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

What happens when your best isn't good enough? Didn't all of us learn that growing up? "Just do your best, that's all we can ask/expect of you." "If you do your best, you can be satisfied with your performance." Well, I guess that notion is a bunch of bunk when you're a widow. When did all these rules/beliefs change?

At work the other day, a resident complained to me because of the time it took me to get to him in the morning. I had 16 demanding residents that day and was not having an easy time of it. That group of residents is one of the two most difficult in the nursing home. I told the man that "I was doing my best." He said, "Then your best isn't good enough."

These words really stung me and I've thought about them since. What happens when your best isn't good enough? What does that mean? Am I a failure? Worthless?

The nursing home job bears such similar aspects to my widowhood life. It's a tough, challenging, tiring job and when I'm there I sometimes feel as though I'll never get the job done. I get behind and have trouble keeping up. Obviously I need to get a new job asap. And if I could, I would give my notice immediately but we need the money I am earning there too much in the meantime. I get home after working 9 hours on my feet and am so physically exhausted I can barely walk. On my days off I do my best to tend to the shopping, cooking and such.

I have trouble keeping it all together at home. It feels as though I am never caught up. But I'm trying my best and my hardest. And I still can't make it. So I repeat that question again. What if your best isn't good enough?

Time

TIME: The perception of time, lack of time, beating the clock, deadlines, time heals all wounds, free time, time line myths, schedules and time for change.

The following insights come from my experience as a widow. I'm not sure if others have had similar experiences. I am relating them now because they have frustrated me. And I'm trying to get a handle on them so I can make some positive changes in dealing with these issues.

1. First of all, since I have been widowed and stopped working outside the home, people seem to assume that I have loads of free time. There doesn't seem to be any recognition or sympathy toward the fact that in losing a helpmate, I now have to handle a job previously handled by two. The sad part of the matter is that when there is more on your plate to handle, you're also more tired and consequently the jobs getting done are not up to your usual standards. There is a lot of just making do or getting by. You also have to figure out how to handle a lot of jobs and duties you don't know how to do because in the past, your spouse took care of them. It is frustrating. Also, suddenly having to worry about everything on your own takes up time because you have to figure out new ways to plan and do things.

Maybe this misconception comes from the fact that people don't see what is going on inside our homes. They don't see the piled up laundry, the stacks of bills, the weariness that exists in our souls from managing all of the shopping, cooking, lawn work, car maintenance and child care. So while I haven't worked outside the home for much of my widowhood, the work load within my home and life has increased. There has been minimal time off for relaxing or down time which is another matter as well.

2. Despite the time constraints of having to fit too much into a day that is too short, the world still expects us to meet all the established deadlines. I have also found that with people it is the same thing. I'm expected to go out with someone or meet with them according to their time frames and schedules. Rarely has anyone expressed an interest in trying to accommodate my schedule. When my husband died I lost the power of two and the power of being in a couple. I honestly believe that I became diminished in importance, value and worth since I am alone. As a result, people have been less polite and respectful to me. In a way, it has sometimes felt like people could walk all over me because my husband wasn't around to "protect" me.

3. My grief intensified over time. The first year it was centered around shock, disbelief, fatigue and pity. In the second and third years, my grief matured into a greater realization of what the boys and I had really lost when my husband died. In the beginning, you don't have the perspective of time to really acknowledge this. And the world believing that popular myth that we should be over our grief in a year, isn't around to help support us when we really need it. Maybe for some of us, the second and third years out are when the real grief work starts. Not to say that the first days, weeks and months of grieving are not important. Looking back for me at least, the grief I experienced and had to work through was far more difficult after the first year. Then there are the losses that come with the passage of time. Maybe financial hardship, loss of a home, having to relocate...

To be fair, part of the equation factoring into all of this is that by nature I have always been a non-complaining, people pleasing "Yes Man." But as I continue to navigate the widowhood road I am gaining strength to be able to state my needs and wants more securely. I have the power to say, "No, Saturday night is not a good time to meet. We're going to have to set another time." I'm no longer reluctant to refuse to participate in car-pool duty. There are other parents out there with greater flexibility and ease to pick up those duties for the parents like myself holding the short end of the stick. And I am more confident in stating what for me is my reality. That even if a number of years have passed since my husband died, it doesn't mean that I have gotten over it. Nor does it mean that I can face new losses like a divorce and losing my home with greater ability and ease. Through this blog and in my interactions with the people in my life, I am trying to paint a picture of what it is like to live with grief and loss. Maybe it is not a pretty picture and maybe people feel uncomfortable knowing that a cloud of loss surrounds me. But I will stand tall and tell it like it is. No longer will I just nod my head and say, "I'm fine." If someone asks or even cares, I will speak my truth: "I am facing and working through a number of major losses that came at me in a short period of time that resulted in me feeling great pain, and I am doing the best I can to go on living a happy, meaningful and productive life while I regroup, catch my breath and figure out where to go from here."

If the world isn't willing to cut me some slack for circumstances largely beyond my control, then I suppose it is up to me to stand up for myself and my needs. I only wish it had not taken me six long years of wearing myself ragged to reach this point!

I am grateful for:

1. The time to write this post.
2. The time to do the dishes in an overflowing sink.
3. Alarm clocks.
4. Bit and pieces of free time granted during the day here and there.
5. The sacred time before bed for reading a few pages.

Tired of Being Tired

I am busy cleaning the house as we have two showings tomorrow. The inside will be pretty decent but I haven't gotten to the garage or the backyard where the weeds are waist high! Oh, well! I can only do what I can on my own here (our yard is double-sized).

I am exhausted and not sleeping well. I am tired of working (on the job and at home) - it seems as though I have very little down time and seldom time for myself. I haven't knitted in ages, nor browsed at the bookstore (both cheap thrills for me). I am promising myself that next week I will do both, plus have lunch with my girlfriend and visit a new antique shop.

I have been experiencing an almost constant migraine the last few days and I just want all this house stuff over, finished with and behind me. It is impossible for me to keep up with everything and I feel as though I am breaking down in spirit, hope and confidence. This is not how life is meant to be lived - constantly struggling to keep up and never being able to measure up.

I am tired of being tired.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all the summer shades of green present in just the leaves on the trees - from yellow greens all the way to deep forest greens. Utterly amazing! This alone makes me believe in the power of miracles because just the different shades of green seen in the leaves is one right before our eyes!
2. For summer rain storms.
3. For the cooler summer we've continued to have.
4. For Vera Bradley purses and bags (although I am too poor to get one this season, I still see and admire them).
5. For paper plates that don't have to be washed (I use them year-round to cut out one small task from my chore pile).

Pileups

For me, one of the most distressing aspects of living and parenting on my own has to do with what I refer to as the pileups. In my case there are specifically three - the always overflowing sink, constant towering laundry basket and ever present growing stack of unread mail. Last night I tackled the mail which was contained in a basket and a handled shopping bag. Both boys were out with friends so it was a perfect opportunity to do so. I only tended to the mail in the basket and even after a number of hours or sorting and reading I had not finished the task. My eyes were bleary eyed by the time I called it a night around 1:00 a.m. I will sort and recycle the rest in the shopping bag on Sunday and hereafter promise to make a better effort at nipping the pile in the bud by dealing with the mail as soon as it comes in.

The problem has to do with lack of time, fatigue and juggling too many balls at once. For example, my mail comes late in the day just as I am usually making dinner. I bring it in but then have only a moment to glance at it. It gets tossed on the pile. The boys come home at dinner time after their sports practices and remove their athletic clothes (after 6 days/nights of practices and games the pile can get pretty high!). We eat dinner and then there is homework to help with or something goes wrong with the computer or printer or I have to run out for milk or a needed school supply. By the time all is quiet, I am drained and the sink remains full, the mail unread and the laundry has fallen out of the hamper onto the floor. And of course looking at all of this only serves to depress (not to mention make one feel guilty for not being able to keep up, etc.).

There is much to be said for tending to chores in manageable chunks on a daily basis. It takes longer and is harder when there is more! So starting Monday, I am making a sincere attempt in at least managing the mail on a daily basis because I never want to have to dig through a stack of old papers, ads and hidden bills ever again!