Clean Slate

It is finally Spring, the season of fresh starts and new beginnings. I am trying to be more authentic to my needs and feelings and expressing them in an open and honest way. So far I'm not having the best of success.

For whatever reason I seem to have hit a wall of exhaustion physically and emotionally. My girlfriend and I talked about this after church yesterday. I think it has to do with cumulative stress as an only parent. She agrees that there is great stress from never seeming to finish or complete what needs to get done. In our cases, there is always left over laundry and dishes in the sink. We've both kind of given up on having tidy and organized households but the fact is, our incomplete tasks are always there starting at us in our faces, mocking us, telling us we're not good enough because we can't seem to get it together.

Then there is the lack of a helpmate/tag team buddy reminding you of what you've forgotten or need to do, filling in for you when you can't, providing moral and physical support...

We both have kids of high school age yet there is a demand to still coordinate their schedules, keep track of who goes where when, to make meals, try to get to the mail. clean, shop, do laundry and so on.

For me at least, I don't sleep well alone and probably haven't had a good night's sleep since my husband died. That has to catch up with you over time.

And the constant requirement of having to make all the decisions all the time by yourself. I'm a better team player and don't like ruling the roost. Enough said with that.

Both of us have Seniors in high school and that in and of itself makes for a stressful year.

When I admit I am drained or tired or need help the typical response I receive is that I haven't organized my life well enough. I hear that other women have to remake their lives after the death of a spouse and why can't I seem to get it together?

Then I'm given the line about having the boys do more. Well, for two adolescent boys very active and popular at school, I think they are putting forth a decent effort. Both have tough part-time jobs and now buy all their own clothing and necessities. They work very hard at school and their jobs, and the jobs involve physical labor. One is in the final months of his Senior year and has numerous social activities to attend. He gets to attend those - he has earned it.

And I hear that I should cut back on my attendance at the kids' school events. But why should I? To me that is punishing the widow and the fatherless kids even more. The intact parents are all in attendance. I want to see my kids perform or compete, and if I'm not there no one is there for them personally cheering them on. But when I explain this reasoning, I'm told I'm playing the widow card and I should have stopped playing that years ago.

I defend myself. I am a widowed only parent. My stating the facts of my life simply and honestly doesn't make me a whiner. It is what it is. It explains why I act and think certain ways I do.

In my experience, widows don't win whatever they do. We're not supposed to complain, or compare ourselves to intact couples. Instead of being recognized for doing the best we can under trying and stressful conditions, we're criticized for not doing enough or doing it poorly. And in that regard we do end up being compared to others, which isn't fair. I can't admit or ask for help. When I do I'm weak and not with it. I'm criticized for bring up my widowhood or defending my children who've had more than their share of heartache.

I'm trying to keep The Four Agreements in my mind here. I should stand tall and hold my head up because I am being honest with myself and doing the best I can. Blast the people who criticize - I shouldn't take things too personally. But I'm not going to back down and give in and say everything is all right and yes, I need to get my life in better order and stop playing the widow card. It is a new season and I'm going to stand tall and state my truth and feelings as I see fit. I can do it sincerely and without anger. I don't want to pretend anymore because it makes other people more comfortable. If I can't do something anymore because it is too hard for me that is the reality.

These are the seeds I want to be planting now. Seeds of honesty, openness, realism and truth as I see it, not how others see it or want it to be. I deserve to live a life of truth and to be able to express what is in my life without being put down, insulted or made to feel I'm not doing well enough. Because truth be told, I truly am doing the best I can and most days go above and beyond. Too bad that is seldom acknowledged or praised.

As hard as it is I will try to overlook how others view me and sing some praises to myself for a change. Yeah me! Happy Spring. This is the season for watering my seeds and having them grow into real flowers - strong, honest, resilient and beautiful to boot. There aren't going to be any fake, phony or artificial flowers around this Spring. I don't have the patience of desire for them in my life anymore.

Come Together, Right Now

We are Green Bay Packers fans and living in the Chicago area among Bears fans can have its moments. I was actually punched on my shoulder twice the last week (hard, not just a tap) by guests at my job hearing of my alliance. My youngest son could not believe this. Punched? Yes, punched. How old were these people, he asked me. Middle-aged and both were women. Go figure!

I watched Obama's State of the Union Address last night and it made a positive impact. I really liked how the Democrats and Republicans were for once sitting side-by-side and the overall atmosphere seemed less contentious. Why are we such a contentious and judgmental society anyway? I asked my sister at the memorial for my dad why she has been so distant to me the past few years and her comment was that she has been too judgmental of me. She acknowledged that this is her issue and something that she has to work on. I left it at that but am curious why she has had such problems with me. I've been a poor, struggling mother. In my eyes someone deserving of some compassion not judgment.

Yet all of us seem to always want to be right. In the end what does it all matter? We should all try and be on the same side. Like what happened last night. We're all Americans and I think all of us want basically the same goals.

I have said it numerous times but will briefly say it again that widowhood has made me so much more aware of how judgmental people can be. Even I myself. Over the years I have received so many criticisms of how I have parented, grieved and lived my life. It has seemed that people in general feel more free to criticize because I am on my own if that makes any sense. When I had a husband by my side no one dared say some of the words I have heard. It was like being married provided me with an invisible protective screen around me. But that all aside, I know I have made a huge effort to be less judgmental and more kind since my husband's death. And my divorce.

I read somewhere that before speaking we should take care to make sure our words are "thoughtful, deliberate, kind and empathetic." We shouldn't be so hasty and quick to say the first things out of our mouths but take a moment to step back and consider our responses. We don't always have to agree but can disagree more kindly. Or at least give people more benefit of the doubt and reserve our judgment more often than not.

Chilly Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Winter again. It is so cold out there. Over the weekend, it snowed but I didn't scrape my car off until this morning - we all drove the van, and it took me almost an hour to do so since the ice was frozen on under a layer of snow. Winter has become my season of dread because it involves having to do more - check the weather, warm up the vehicles, scrape them off, wear more layers and boots... All these other extra steps to add to my already overburdened shoulders.

I had to go out to an appointment that led me through a strip mall. I noticed a number of elderly men dropping off their wives at the doors of various stores. It made me think back to the days when my husband scraped the cars and filled them with gas. Such a blessing when there was another pair of hands to assist with chores and duties. I went on thinking that I sure hope these women realize how nice it is to get dropped off in front of a door, to have someone pay you attention with kind, meaningful gestures that make a task or duty a little easier. I always say that if I am fortunate enough to remarry and live with a husband again, I will be way more thankful for gestures such as this than I was with my husband. I pretty much took his filling the tanks for granted.

I feel in general that all of us need to be more kind, gentle and tolerant of others. We seem to be so quick to snap to judgments and to be right. I hope these women are kind and caring wives at home. Carolyn Myss suggests that when we are ready to criticize someone, that we take those words and turn them on ourselves - try them on for size so to speak. Then after saying them to ourselves, we need to see how we feel. Chances are the criticism we're dishing out doesn't feel so hot. She then advises that we modify our words to be more gentle and less harsh. I really like this idea. To take a moment and step back and think about our words before delivering them. I know it is sometimes easier said - when we're angry or upset words tend to fly out pretty quickly. But with practice, change becomes easier. Just having this idea in my head will help me the next time I am ready to fling some words that would probably be better not spoken. I have a plan in place to step back and reflect. If I don't like hearing the words/advice/criticism I'm giving out if it is directed at myself and it is hurtful, why would I want to pass that on?

Step back for a moment and listen to the words being stated with your head. There is then time to modify those words with kindness from the heart.

Pain For Gain

Before my widowhood and my close girlfriend's divorce, we wanted to work on a volunteer activity together. So for a number of years, we ran and coordinated the monthly food drive at our local elementary school. This involved contacting a food pantry in the area to find out their specific needs, having collection boxes in each classroom and school office, "advertising" the food drive in the school's weekly paper, working with the students to collect and assemble the donations at the end of the month and then drive it over to the pantry.

Of course, looking back now, it is somewhat ironic that I was involved in this specific activity. I generally wrote-up the notices for the school newspaper and always tried to tie in our requests to the season at hand and what the needs of the pantry were.

What got to me the most, was how some donations were of items that should have been thrown out. Clearly long expired goods, open packages and one of my favorites - the inside contents of either jello or pudding but without the external box. I would try to tactfully address this issue in my notices and encourage generosity and the like.

As I think about all of this now I am struck by the knowledge that I have walked both sides of the fence, so to speak. When I was a volunteer it was with the best of intentions and I wanted to help and make a difference. And I did. But having had to become a food pantry recipient, I must say that what I have gained in terms of internal knowledge and growth has far exceeded those volunteer efforts. I have been confronted with and had to face: humility, guilt, shame, embarrassment, being humbled, grace, dignity, thankfulness, hope, hopelessness, anger, and relief (I could probably even go on with more).

My compassion toward others has increased 100-fold! No longer will I ever look with judgment on someone needing or asking for help. This experience has stretched me far beyond any limits I could have imagined when I was just a middle-aged suburban mom trying to help out a bit in the community.

Once my grief counselor/life transition coach assured me that one day I would surpass the obstacles in my life and reside in a home again and have a better life restored to me. She added that the experiences I've gone through have served as amazing teachers and I am a better person for having lived them. Then she looked at my face and quickly added, "But of course I know that you would trade all of this inner-growth and self-actualization for having your husband still alive and your old life back." And she was right. I would trade it all in an instant to be the less evolved woman that I was seven years ago.

But of course, that isn't possible. So one way to look at it now is to accept that I have grown as a person and to hope that in the end this will all result in some good toward others and the world.

Part of the reason I blog is to try and convey to others about my life in the hope that it will result in greater compassion and kindness to others, especially widows. But I have come to realize that unless you walk in my shoes or live this life, it is impossible for someone to really ever totally understand. That is not a bad thing. Maybe I need to be preaching to the choir or those who are already in my shoes. Maybe I need to shift my focus.

It is hard to hear criticism. But the point is that we learn equally from praise and criticism. And maybe even more from the criticism. I've been thinking about some comments made to me about my not being proactive or creative enough in my situation to move and forge ahead. Yes, I'll admit that is true. I've been depressed and tired and hormonal these past months. But thinking of these comments has inspired me to think a bit more outside the box.

What if I could take some of this knowledge I've gained from my losses and use it productively? I know of a homeless shelter seeking volunteers and thought that even one or two days of going in a month would allow me to meet professionals in my social services field (thus increasing job contacts and giving me updated social services experience on my resume). The boys have also expressed an interest in doing some type of volunteer work. Maybe we could do this together as a family? In any event, I am going to the next volunteer training in early January and we'll see where that goes. I at least can serve as a compassionate listener to those in worse situations than myself.

Part of my message today goes out to others struggling. It is true that we grow more from the hardships than what is easy for us. Some of us will end up suffering and growing more. It doesn't make us better or the suffering less painful. But in the end, I don't think it is for naught. I believe somehow, someway our experiences will end up serving some purpose in bettering the world. Or at least I want to believe this because that is what gives me the most courage and hope.

Dismal Holidays Forcasted

Two million people are expected to lose their extended unemployment benefits this holiday season. People talk about not having trees, being able to afford gifts for their children and their lack of holiday spirit. I wrote about my food pantry experience yesterday as a way to deal with my own pain/frustration but to also increase awareness of the situation as well. To put a real and personal face on the matter, so to speak. I created another blog where I try to deal with my "living under reduced circumstances" issues but sometimes there is overlap and I figured I'd go ahead and post about my experiences here.

I went to yet another food pantry recommended to me yesterday and again admitted that I do not qualify for emergency food assistance based on the Federal guidelines. This time, the pantry was far more generous than the last one I visited and provided me with food although I will not be able to become a client. We received more food yesterday than we have had in literally months. When I shop at the store, it is always $20.00 or less because I can't afford to fill my cart or vehicles with gas ($5.00 or $10.00 fill-ups are the norm).

I was told to take as much bread as I wanted - good, decent, fancy bread not the generic stuff. I was led to a table of "cast-offs," items that clients did not want to take and left behind. I was also told I could take whatever was there. I almost cleaned the table off taking every can of vegetable that was there. I got two bags of potatoes and three bags of apples, sweet potatoes, lettuce, watermelon and pineapple, eggs, milk and a huge block of cheese along with meat. I took everything that was offered and it is probably enough to last through the whole month!

Here is where I struggle - I have enough to keep a roof over our heads but not enough to provide good, healthy, adequate food for my kids. People out there are receiving food stamps and able to visit a food pantry like this, twice monthly. No one in our country should have to go hungry. I always believed that the greatest nation in the world would provide for its own but am learning that is not the case.

Receiving this bounty increased my mood and spirits 10-fold along with that of my sons. People have to have food to get out there to look for work, to continue parenting and to simply remain hopeful enough to face the next day. I only see the situation getting worse, not better. I know of people who have been out of work now two years. They are surviving either because their spouse still has a job or they are receiving support of some kind from family.

It is especially difficult for single and only parents struggling on their own with no one to emotionally or physically lean on. It can happen to you. You can be a well-educated, professional, middle-class citizen and have your world topple over and fall on your face. I'm not finding a whole lot of assistance out there or those with kind, helping hands stretched out with compassion. Criticism and blame continue to be lashed out at the unemployed. Having been there now I can add that to simply tell someone to go out and find a job and take whatever is offered is not sound or positive advice. I've made the rounds of fast food places, restaurants (waitress/server), grocery stores and the like and have been told I'm overqualified. Then when I apply for jobs in my field, I am competing with better qualified folks. I'm caught in the middle. A male friend my age, lost his fancy advertising/art director job and was a bartender all summer. He also took training to become a nanny but so far has met with resistance because he is a male and hasn't been hired. I am actually considering the bartender training as a last resort myself.

In the future, I'm going to try and keep issues like this separate on my other blog but felt I needed to finish what I started. This is my experience and my opinions. No one needs to agree or feel sorry for me or my situation. But I do hope it in some way it softens the criticism others may have against people struggling right now, including the two million people worried about feeding their families during the holidays. I've gotten a break this year - others won't be as fortunate.

Shot of Reality

Oh my gosh! I've just spent the last hour reading countless AOL comments in regard to a piece written by a single woman in her 40s who has been out of work for two years. She wrote about feeling invisible and having no available services/resources ending up selling EVERYTHING. There were 30 pages of comments! Most were sympathetic. Many spoke about being in the same situation. A few stuck out with criticisms - take a job, any job; go back to school; why don't you volunteer?; get over your pity party... Most of the sympathetic understand that those of us unemployed would take ANY job but none are being offered us; they know that to go back to school takes money; volunteering might not be possible because it involves gas, etc.; and I won't even get into the pity party finger pointing.

I stopped reading the comments after about 15 pages. I couldn't stand anymore. There are so many others out there suffering and worried and anxious just like I am. I'm not the only one who has lost a home and pawned all my jewelry. At least I still have clothes and my books! Many who commented are my age and spoke about ageism that is alive and kicking in our country. In general, however, most people were kind and supportive and tried to encourage this woman.

I do live in kind of a cocoon. At times I do feel as though I am the only one out there having a tough time. Tonight my eyes were opened a little wider and I have a less negative image of myself. There are sure a lot of 50ish folks out there having to start over with nothing. I am not really alone. Hearing about and knowing other people's problems doesn't make me happy but it did make me more aware of what is going on beyond my own little world.

I think we are in trouble nationally and need to address the issues of increasing employment opportunities, especially for those in my age group. Health insurance still is up in the air. The housing issue remains a mess. No one can survive adequately on minimum wage. I hope this blog increases people's awareness of those struggling as this woman's article did. Some people who are out of the loop thanked her for her honesty. What we really need is more kindness and understanding and not judgmental criticism. If you aren't walking in these shoes, you really don't know. Tonight my oldest came home from Show Choir practice complaining of being hungry, adding, "I'm always hungry." Sometimes I wake up hungry too. He settled for a leftover bowl of 4-Bean Chili (the pot of chili that never ends) over spaghetti but thankfully I replenished our cheese supply, getting a block of cheddar to grate myself and save $1.20.

My prayers are increasing and going beyond myself to the countless others both better and worse than myself who are struggling in some way. Please pray for stability, healing and prosperity for all. During this season of giving, I feel as though some are choosing to forget about the hardships still existing for so many.

Beyond Comprehension

I watched Dateline on Friday night and it was about a man accused of murdering his daughter, who was around 12. Now the guy at first adamantly denied the charges (he made over 600 denials) but later admitted to the deed after intense and grueling police interrogation. The DNA found on the poor girl did not match the father and was matched with a sexual predator who had made other attacks on women in the area. The father's testimony and reenactment of his confession was found to be totally inaccurate with the facts of the crime scene and forensic evidence. The leading expert in false confessions determined this was a case of an innocent man falsely admitting to the crime. The prosecution's theory was that the father knew the sexual predator and "arranged" for the murder. The sexual predator said he had never met or knew the father until they were linked together in the case. He said the father was innocent but remained silent on his own involvement.

I relate this utterly sad and horrible story because of the verdict of the jury. Despite all of the evidence proving this father's innocence, they still found him guilty because they could not get around the fact that he admitted his guilt to the crime (a number of times). They believed that an innocent man, especially a father, would go to his grave proclaiming his innocence. They were utterly unable to comprehend how a man could be manipulated or give in to a crime he did not do. This was despite the fact that the police had told the father they had proof he did so and they also "prompted" him in his confession. The jury was simply unable to imagine what the human mind is capable of or what another man can do under horrendous pressure, strain and events.

Dateline asked the false testimony expert about this and he shook his head and said there are numerous cases on the books of innocent people admitting to crimes they didn't commit. It happens. Just because we can't conceive of it, doesn't mean it isn't capable of happening.

I thought about this relating to widowhood. I get so frustrated trying to explain what this life is like and largely I am misunderstood or blown off. I think the prevailing attitude is that widowhood can't be that bad, I'm making more out of it than I should, and I'm too much of a compainer. I've come to the conclusion that my efforts to explain myself, my feelings, frustrations and my life are pretty much in vain - unless I'm talking to another widow/widower. It is beyond the realm of consciousness for people to get me and what I try to describe, especially how drained and tired I have become.

The jury was so stubborn and steadfast in their belief. Because they were unable to comprehend it being any other way. For an innocent man to admit to such a despicable crime doesn't make sense. Therefore, it can't be. They were so rightous, so certain. I felt frightened at the end of the show of how innocent folks do get sent away for crimes they didn't do. Sometimes the innocent are wrongfully punished. I was also scared of how people can come to false determinations based on their own limited knowledge and biases. And I am worried too that there seems to sometimes be a limit as to what the human mind can comprehend and understand. That there can be a lack of compassion and empathy toward others.

I guess I will recall this jury the next time I am met with a wall of resistance when I try and explain some aspect or another of widowhood. Some things are impossible to get unless we have lived them or are living them.

When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

What happens when your best isn't good enough? Didn't all of us learn that growing up? "Just do your best, that's all we can ask/expect of you." "If you do your best, you can be satisfied with your performance." Well, I guess that notion is a bunch of bunk when you're a widow. When did all these rules/beliefs change?

At work the other day, a resident complained to me because of the time it took me to get to him in the morning. I had 16 demanding residents that day and was not having an easy time of it. That group of residents is one of the two most difficult in the nursing home. I told the man that "I was doing my best." He said, "Then your best isn't good enough."

These words really stung me and I've thought about them since. What happens when your best isn't good enough? What does that mean? Am I a failure? Worthless?

The nursing home job bears such similar aspects to my widowhood life. It's a tough, challenging, tiring job and when I'm there I sometimes feel as though I'll never get the job done. I get behind and have trouble keeping up. Obviously I need to get a new job asap. And if I could, I would give my notice immediately but we need the money I am earning there too much in the meantime. I get home after working 9 hours on my feet and am so physically exhausted I can barely walk. On my days off I do my best to tend to the shopping, cooking and such.

I have trouble keeping it all together at home. It feels as though I am never caught up. But I'm trying my best and my hardest. And I still can't make it. So I repeat that question again. What if your best isn't good enough?

Victim Rebuttal

Throughout my widowhood I have heard this constant refrain: "Stop complaining, get a grip, don't be a victim, refuse to be a victim of your circumstances..." That word "victim." Why are people so quick to jump and assume I think of myself as one? Yes, there are times I gripe and feel sorry for myself. But then I stew awhile, drink a glass of wine, go to bed, wake up and face the next day. How is my complaining about my life as a widowed mom any worse than a married mom complaining about her life? It is human nature for all of us to complain at times. Why do the poor widows get slammed and told to buck up and deal with it? No one ever spoke to me in this way when I was still married. Why do people feel they can criticize me for what I have and haven't done and then still have the nerve to tell me to stop playing the victim?

The widowed are victims! Why is it so hard for people to accept that. Here is the definition of a victim: "a person cheated, fooled, or damaged whether by someone else or by some impersonal force." Now the few widows I've come to know (mostly through blogging) have all been pretty normal, decent people living average lives. No one was out having affairs or robbing banks. Just trying to live full lives with their spouses and children. And then through no fault of their own (damn unfortunate circumstances), these good people suffered the calamity of life when their spouses died. According to that definition, seems like it fits for being a victim. People cheated and damaged by an impersonal force.

I relate the details of my life through this blog not to play the victim but to give a depiction of how a normal formally middle-class mom is living her new life as a widow. Sympathy rather than condemnation would of course be preferred. This rendition of my life is not some pity party fest. Sometimes when I look back and read about my life I do feel compassion for how I'm living and what I've lived through. It is the same sense of sympathy I'd feel for a victim of a natural disaster who has lost everything and picked up stakes moving to a new area, forced to restart their life. These folks are victims and so are widows. Victim is not a bad word. It is a description.

Yes, I believe someone can proudly hold up their head and say, "I'm a victim of some hard circumstances but that doesn't mean I'm giving up." I think you can be strong and a victim at the same time. Why do people want to take our past away from us? Widowhood and victimization go hand in hand. By telling us not to be victims, what does that end up doing to us? What is the message? That we're somehow responsible for our lives. That we brought this hardship upon us.

How we move on with our lives as widows is in our control. But what brought us to our knees was not. Admitting that I feel sad, depressed, lonely and scared doesn't mean I am submitting to a victim mentality. Saying I feel I was dealt a raw hand and I'm angry and envious of others better off than I am doesn't make me a victim either. I am a victim of widowhood - it is my reality. And I don't want to have to apologize or make excuses to others about it. Nor do I have to hide my grief or other feelings.

As a widow I've felt attacked from all directions - I shouldn't grieve so much or so long. I should or shouldn't have parented the way I did. I made the wrong decisions and that is what led me to where I am. I need to be stronger and get myself off the floor. I should be more grateful for all that I do have in my life, blah, blah, blah. And I've been accused of playing the victim. I think most widows out here are doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us. Maybe the solution should be less focused on pointing fingers and labeling and more focused on acknowledging what is being accomplished is lieu of what isn't. Criticizing me for being a victim doesn't change my circumstances or reality. Nor does it provide motivation. But it does make me feel more of a failure for not being able to overcome my adversity fast or good enough. I am a victim. Don't make me feel bad and guilty about that too.

Anyway, when did it become such a crime to be considered a victim in our society? And when did it become acceptable for people to point their fingers and tell people to stop being victims? Widowhood has put me on the defensive where I feel I am constantly under a microscope being judged for my thoughts, feelings and behavior. There is something very disconcerting about this. And whatever I end up saying or doing doesn't seem to make much difference to others, especially those pointing fingers. What is interesting about all this is that I think my life would still be where it is now regardless of how I'd viewed myself - victim or survivor. And the thing is, I think that is how I do view myself. As a combination of both.

Aftermath

I think I am mourning the loss of my home. I say "I think" because I don't know anymore where the hell I am on this grief continuum. All the losses of the past six years are all bunched up into one big ball anyway. They all connect back to the death of my husband. I can't seem to separate one from the other.

It has only been five months since we sold the house and moved. Just five months that now feel like an eternity. The whole summer was spent cleaning and selling the home. Then, when it was sold, I literally on my own moved from a five-bedroom home into a two-bedroom space. I am down to one and a half storage units now housing the overflow which includes stuff I never had the time to get through when my mom died and my parent's house was sold, in 10/2007!

I was way too busy to think, much less grieve or process what moving would mean back in the summer. Now that I have some perspective with the passing of time, I look back with amazement that I was able to accomplish the feat of moving largely on my own. Sam was there during the actual 2-day move with the movers and he helped me a little with cleaning out the garage which ended up taking two long weeks. But there I was, a widowed overwrought mom, being forced to sell her home, working odd hours at the big box store, making sure teen boys got to their summer baseball games and accomplishing a major move on my own. The people in my world shrugged their shoulders and matter-of-factly went on with their lives, while mine was falling apart at the seams - literally.

And now here I am trying to cope with the aftermath. From this view I have tremendous admiration for what I accomplished over the summer. This was a big house and it had been pretty disorganized and messy from the years of my husband's illness and then my stint as an only parent. But there is also pent-up anger for this crazy world I inhabit that is so lacking in support, be it emotional or with helping with physical tasks. I can't quite put my finger on it to describe it properly. But it is this sense I get from others that my losses aren't really such a big deal, that they don't matter or count.

Well, let me set the record straight - losing my home was a tremendous loss and I am reeling from it five months later. But I don't know how to grieve this or where to go from here. Even Sam gives me that pat answer when I try and relate to him how much of a loss this is to me. You know the one - "You lost your home, it is over, now you have to get over it and move on..." I've asked him to stop reading this blog because he gets upset with me for getting too down, or feeling low and grieving too much. You know the drill. I'm sure you have heard all of that before too.

The thing is though, that this is a new loss. It is one slamming into me after a slew of others. Am I really supposed to be jumping cartwheels down the street and gleefully shouting, "I just lost my house five months ago!" Really, what do people expect? This is a major loss, although it is secondary to the death of my husband six years ago. That passage of time just keeps biting me in the backside. People think that because it has been awhile for me that I shouldn't be grieving at all, and I guess that includes the other losses that accumulated after my husband died.

There doesn't seem to be that much out there about handling and getting through secondary grief losses. Just that we need to acknowledge and grieve them individually. I think that some people view my ongoing grief as that for my husband and they think I am grieving too long. They don't know that the secondary losses along the way are part of the mix. And I've said this before, but in my case the pain I've experienced from these seemingly lesser losses has actually been harder for me to endure. Maybe it is because I'm more weary, have fewer resources, or am facing them without a spouse by my side. But these secondary challenges have been a chore to stare down in the eye.

Getting back to Sam, I just have felt that he has been critical and even holds what I post about against me. For example, he will remark that I seem more down when I am on the phone with him than how I seemed when I posted. Of course, none of our moods are stable. Maybe I was more upbeat or positive earlier in the day. And maybe my enthusiasm waned as the sun went down. I have felt I have had to defend myself and that is not what I want out of blogging. I surely do not want to say that my blog got between us!

I just read yesterday that the success of keeping a grief journal and I suppose blogging could fall under this category, is that it allows us to release toxic emotions. That then enables us to go on and face our days more productively. I will add that when I blog I take extreme care to be entirely honest and forthright. I present myself and whatever I feel at the time as it is for me. There is no hiding or sugarcoating.

So right now I am feeling some frustration with the pain that is haunting me based on losing my home. It is definitely not helping me to have excess time on my hands not working. I am going to reinvigorate my job-hunting focus - to step it up a notch. I am also going to devote more time and energy into clearing out the storage sheds. I need to keep busy and focused right now. And I am going to be kind to myself - really kind. And nurturing too. Maybe try and do some fun things just for me.

I am grateful:

1. For the return of McDonald's Shamrock Shakes.
2. That I have extra items to be able to donate to Goodwill.
3. For the great purse I bought some years back for $8.00 on sale, that I've used all winter. And I really was in need of one. It is a hand-knitted cable pattern design!
4. That I was able to get career counseling appts. on Tue. and Wed. I will get help with navigating the cyberworld which I am now floundering in.
5. For microwave popcorn.

A Lesson in Empathy

I was crying the other day to my guyfriend and saying that I do not want to have to live in this apartment. He held me as I was crying and said, "You have to, you have no choice." I did not find this comment comforting (sorry Guyfriend if you are reading this). To tell me the obvious is not helpful. I already know I do not have another living option. What would have been a more empathic/helpful reply? Try one of the following:

1. "I am so sorry you are feeling this way."
2. "Tell me more about how you're feeling."
3. "This must be hard for you."

I think back to those early days after my husband's death when I would say, "I just want him back" or "I just want my old life back." I would get the same reply as guyfriend's - "He is not coming back. Your old life is over. You have to move on... You have no choice." Of course I knew all of that already. Substitute any of the three replies above and I would have felt a little better. My situation would have been the same but at least I'd have felt that someone was trying to understand me and offering some real compassion.

A Little Dose of Therapy

I am back to seeing my grief therapist on a weekly basis to help me get through this latest secondary loss of having to sell/move from the home I shared with Husband #1 and downsize into a two-bedroom apartment with the boys. At one point during today's session, my therapist made the comment on how few people seem to understand how difficult it is being an only parent. I have struggled with this issue from the beginning of my widowhood. I asked my therapist if other widows deal with the same issue and she said, yes, that it is felt across the board to a certain extent by all widows raising kids. But to what degree frustration is felt is in direct correlation to how much outside support (emotional and physical) is received by the widow. In my case, since I have received virtually none from family, I am hit doubly hard. Trying to always explain to others how hard this is/was while at the same time feeling tremendously angry at the hand I have been dealt.

I am feeling a lot of rage right now. Pent up anger, grief and outrage from years past. Little help received from others and then the tedium of having to do everything by myself anyway. And the constant justifying my actions and trying to explain just how tough this role is/has been. My therapist pointed out that I will continue to be an only parent for the near future. But that I can start to try and choose more supportive people to interact with. We talked about how I may have been unconsciously bringing certain people into my life who end up not being supportive, including Husband #2. Interesting food for thought.

Rather than try and talk me out of my raging feelings, as so many in my life try to do, my therapist told me that I need to feel them and get them out. There is a backlog of them and if I don't deal with them now they can rear their ugly heads in less than positive ways in the future. I recalled asking Husband #1 for help with cleaning out the garage two years ago. His response to me was that I was weak for needing the help. When I recently told Guyfriend that I am feeling overwhelmed and dismayed with the unpacking process, he told me that he is sick of my negative attitude and that all things get better with time. My therapist stressed that we are entitled to our feelings and to be talked out of them or to be told they are not valid is very counterproductive.

The other good advice I gained from today's session was that when people start to give me their opinions on parenting (the boys should get jobs and play less sports for example) I can stop the barrage right then and there by holding up my hand and saying, "Whoa, hold the advice. Until you've walked in my shoes you don't have any conception of the decisions and choices I've had to make." We talked a little about how easy it is for others to throw in their two cents - especially those who have no idea what they are talking about!

I am just experiencing a great deal of difficulty getting through all the boxes stacked up in the apartment and trying to make a new start for the three of us. I am frustrated and feel alone and defeated. Add some anger and rage along with the usual grief to the mix and boy, I'm having a real party here!

Today I am grateful:

1. For my therapist. May I someday return to my field so I can impart my wisdom and comfort to others facing this same strife.
2. For grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches.
3. That gas prices went down.
4. For the Korean place I go to for pedicures (my one beauty luxury I allow myself).
5. That I found my younger son's textbooks the packers had put into the box labeled "fine china!"

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I got to thinking about this topic after reading the post of a widow who has an advice type blog, which I read. She has a tough love, Dr. Phil kind of attitude in regard to widows feeling sorry for themselves. Although I try to get through my days in as positive frame as possible, there are moments that I do allow myself to feel tragically sorry for myself. And what of it? Why is it such a big deal for widows to have periods of being down about their situations?

I remember my second husband getting terribly annoyed with me for griping about the hardships of my life. Then, my therapist kindly pointed out that I was merely describing my day, which I had a right to do. It just so happened that my days were filled with a lot of hardship. Merely relating them to him was not actually griping, which he took it to be. But anyway, say I had been doing so - why is that looked upon so negatively by the general population? Why are widows supposed to be able to constantly rise above their situations and present themselves to the world as stalwart survivors?

Some days it would be nice to put aside the strength and smiles and show my true self to the world. I'd skip the shower, throw on rumpled clothing and present a grim and glum demeanor. That is sometimes how I feel inside even when there is a smile on my face.

I guess I just don't understand why the widowed can't be allowed the indulgence of some occasional self-pity. The world hasn't been lining up at my door offering much compassion or understanding. And it seems to me from the blogs I read here, that those widowed are doing their best to get through their days. Some days may be better than others but all are trying to live bravely on.

What is so bad about self-pity anyway? I haven't come across anyone whom seems mired in it. Why would people be against the widowed providing themselves a little empathy? "Poor me." I am poor right now in spirit and wealth. Why should I pretend otherwise? Yes, I am grateful for what I have but I also have a right to be despondent over what I don't.

I'm raising this topic because I have found on my widowhood journey that the world hasn't provided much sympathy and I have been criticized for "not getting over it sooner" and complaining too much about my life as a widow, etc. It is actually one of the reasons I wanted to start blogging - so I could have more contact with others in my situation.

It is interesting that the woman whose blog started my thoughts about this ended one of her posts by stating that so many of us widows seem to need outside validation for what we are feeling. I agree with her on this that I have felt that way. I have needed and wanted to connect with other widows to know that my feelings haven't been out in left field or that I've been unreasonable/crazy. But she makes the point that none of us should need this validation. Our feelings are what they are and we should not dismiss them or not hold them to be true unless someone else agrees with them.

So on that note, I am going to take her line of reasoning (whether it ends up being contradictory or not) and say to myself that self-pity is okay. It is where I am. I have a right to feel it. And to even wallow in it! When I compare what other women fret and moan about (chipped manicures, not being able to match up curtains exactly to the furniture slipcovers) I think I'm way entitled.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the rainy weather today. I love the rain as much as the sun. I think the rain slows us all down a bit and that is needed in our lives once in awhile.
2. For the cooler temperature.
3. For Brown-Eyed Susan flowers.
4. For the fall mums being planted at places of business and even at the high school. They brighten my day even in the rain.
5. For having enough gas in the tank to get to work and back today (I hope - payday isn't til tomorrow).

Beating Up the Widow

I have been reflecting on the disparaging nature of my ex-husband's recent emails. I am glad that he has had an opportunity to vent and that I finally have some clarification of why he sought the divorce. But at the same time I am dismayed by the constant barrage of criticism that I have received since widowhood. I have tried to understand why so many people in my life felt like they could be critical of what I did or didn't do.

Take for example one of the things my ex brought up - fast food. I know my reliance on fast food always bothered him. But what alternatives did I have? At the time I was caring for my gravely ill parents, I also had the responsibility of parenting the boys. Their sports schedules made it difficult to be at home much and oftentimes we'd grab a Subway sandwich or McDonald's for a 10:00 p.m. dinner. The ironic thing is that there were plenty of other intact families with only one son in a sport and the mom not working who were eating at fast food places as much as we were. There isn't much choice when you're on the road for a weekend travel baseball tournament 30 miles from home and need to be at the field at 7:00 a.m.! Have I liked eating so much fast food? Absolutely not! But you do what you have to do and in cutting corners something has to be the casualty and in this case it was home cooked meals.

The funny thing is that the past two Sundays after working 8 hours on Sat. and then Sun., I've been driving home at 7:30 and opted to pick up Taco Bell and Panda Express for the boys because I was too tired to be cooking by the time I'd be in the kitchen at 8:00. Something has to give.

Over the years I have been told how I should have parented, handled my finances, cared for my parents, gone on working, etc., etc., etc. Why is it so easy for others to presume that they would have done any better and be critical of my choices? And most of the criticism has come from those who have been the least involved in my life. Really, why does anyone even care where or what we eat anyway?

Has anyone else experienced this situation? How have you handled it? Why do you think it has occurred?

I know for me that I have felt taken advantage of with people coming in to work on the house (repairmen and such) as if my being alone has made it easier to pull the wool over my eyes. But why would family members and friends be so critical? What is in it for them to gain to put down a disadvantaged, single, grieving mom? Maybe one reason is that the weak are easier targets?

I do know that every decision made since my husband's death was done with the best intentions. Why on earth would anyone purposely try to make a bad decision? We all do the best we can under our circumstances and with the knowledge we have. I did the best I could.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I have been able to keep putting food on the table.
2. That we still have a roof over our heads.
3. That I have a dependable vehicle to drive.
4. That there are still unread books on my bookshelf - I have some choices left to make in my life even if only what book I am going to read next.
5. For the friends in my life who have stood by me and listened and not been critical!

Talking til I am blue in the face

For me, one of the hardest aspects of widowhood has been my inability to explain to others my feelings and new life realities. Particularly with my family and my second husband. I've talked until I've been blue in the face to no avail and it is still causing much frustration. Briefly, my family has not understood how hard it has been for me to parent alone, handle finances, work, manage the house, etc. Nor do I think that they have been tolerant of the grief process. They have also failed to step up to the plate in any way to interact with the boys or provide a male influence (my brothers and brother-in-law).

Since April I have been corresponding by email on a very limited basis with my ex-husband. Last night he sent me a scathing message accusing me of always putting him last, one of the reasons he divorced me. During the brief time of our marriage, I was helping to care for both of my parents (one dying and the other terribly ill) while still doing the only parent routine. I just couldn't manage it all, I admit. But part of me now is getting pissed off at this lack of compassion and just plain decency. (No one in my family has offered any emotional support during my divorce and now during this foreclosure. I guess I shouldn't expect anything because they didn't provide any during my husband's illness either. Nor should I be surprised that I ended up remarrying a man whom replicated my family in certain ways.)

I just don't want to be punished anymore for the decisions I made under duress about caring for my parents that resulted in my not moving quickly enough to my husband's home out of state. Enough is enough. Everyone always thinks that they would have done better but the fact is that no one knows how they would cope/manage under challenging circumstances. And to assume they would have handled the situation better is unfair. The way I handled that part of my life is in direction reaction to the fact that my husband had died a mere three years before and that two years before I'd had to care for my youngest who had been diagnosed with a life threatening heart condition. This made it impossible for me to leave my parents in their hour of need to move into my new husband's home 120 miles away. There was so much stress and tension going on along with the boys not wanting to move and leave their friends that I could not face the move. I had to take care of what was happening on the home front first.

I have gone over and over this with my ex to no avail. (Even my siblings have criticized me for not moving sooner). And here I am trying to explain it again to my husband after the divorce. At one point I just wrote him that I will not grovel anymore - I did the best I could under horrific circumstances. Why is it so hard for those closest to me to give me any credit for what I did do? The loyalty I gave my parents and the parenting care I provided my children during this horrible period so soon after my husband's death? I just am throwing in the towel here. I know what I accomplished and my dignity is intact. I refuse to be browbeaten and condemned. It would seem that my family and ex deserve a swift kick in their pants for their lack of compassion far more than I deserve to be continually criticized for what has been done. The reality is that they have not been emotionally supportive and that is yet another loss that I have to face, accept, forgive and move on from. I always believed that a family stood by its members in their darkest hours, including husbands, as I did for mine. This has not turned out to be my reality and it has been a painful realization.

Today I am grateful:
1. That I have had an opportunity to communicate (such as it has been) with my ex.
2. That I never gave into temptation and actually did all those evil plots I wanted to inflict during my divorce when I was so angry - that would have been pointless and accomplished nothing.
3. That I am starting to stand up for myself because if I don't no one else is going to for me.
4. That I am proud of what I have lived through and know it was the right way for me to have lived despite the criticisms of others.
5. That I am beginning to realize that I don't have to subject myself to dysfunctional relationships if I don't want to (I can limit my family contact, etc. in the future).

Advice 101

A friend offered his advice that my oldest should get a job to help pay for the increased cost of car insurance now that he is getting his driver's license. Of course, this would be a great idea but unfortunately not entirely practical in our situation. Right now I have difficulty managing to get the boys where they need to go and to my job - the thought of adding a job held by one of the boys to the mix seems impossible at the moment!

This kind of response from friends just gets my goat! It is so easy to tell me what to do without examining the logistics needed to accomplish the plan. It might even be hard for an intact family to figure out how to manage driving teenagers but I'm here on my own and expected to do it, plus go above and beyond! I just get so tired of all of this. People just see the surface of my life - they don't have the time or interest to delve below the water to really understand the workings of my life. And as usual, they're coming up with advice based on their lives which aren't being lived as "only parents."

To add insult to injury (and this has become my favorite part of all of this), when I admit that I honestly can't accomplish their advice right now, I'm criticized as not being good enough or trying to get out of it. I hate that I am penalized for being honest in regard to my circumstances.

Today my oldest and I have been at it because he doesn't want to go to club volleyball practice tonight (it was the last day of school and he has a baseball game tomorrow). I want him to go because he asked to join this club, made a commitment to being in it and then I paid $235.00 of money we really don't have for him to join. We have been going back and forth on the matter and I have wished over the course of the afternoon that there was another parent here to help me in this situation. I'm feeling tired and worn down from the "only parenting" because it is hard to be doing this on one's own day after day.

I am so in need of some kind of break or vacation. I just have to restore my energy and mental strength here soon because I am absolutely running on empty.

TIP: If by chance you are reading this and know of an only parent, rather than be quick to offer advice and then respond judgmentally, just offer sympathy and support the next time. Advice is helpful sometimes, but not advice that isn't feasible in our situations. What would be so nice to hear is just some compassion of how hard it is to manage everything on our own. Personally, that would help me feel stronger and more productive knowing that someone can view my situation for what it is. A pat on the back goes so much farther than criticism.

Comparing myself to others

A friend just complained that I am always comparing myself to others and I need to stop doing this. I admit that I am stuck trying to cope with my feelings about life being unfair and bad things happening to good people. I am also jealous of those with seemingly fewer problems than I. The biggest question of all is "Why did my husband have to die and leave me alone?" and the answer is "Why not me? If not me, who else?" I have recognized that when life was going well and I wasn't on my own that I didn't compare myself much to others. It is only since widowhood and divorce have entered my life that I have been comparing myself and seeing the disparity in people's lives.

For whatever reason I am at this place right now in my grief journey. It is no doubt intensified because we are facing such economic pressures as foreclosure. I think for that reason I am even more likely to compare myself to others. The more problems in your life, the more people there are with fewer ones so it seems as thought everyone else has it better than me.

I'm trying to work through these difficult feelings and not brush them aside because that would defeat the purpose. But if anyone out there has dealt with this in the past and has ideas on how to move past the comparisons, please let me know.

Trying to make sense of all of this

Yesterday, I went to a job fair and was hired on the spot for a mental health counseling position. The job is great and think I'd do it well and enjoy it besides. But there are a number of problems with it (of course). For one, the job is not considered permanent or full time - it is a fill in job for employees who call in sick, are on leave or vacation. I'd also have to be filling in for all three shifts because it is a hospital unit so that means overnight hours. The job is in Chicago and living in the suburbs I prefer suburban locations because I am more familiar with my neck of the woods. Plus there are no benefits including insurance, although the hourly pay is not bad. For me, the real difficulty with the job has to do with being on call and not knowing what my hours would be on a week-to-week basis. My employer cannot make me any kind of guarantee as to how much I'd actually be working. I think they anticipate I'd have hours but the thought of being called two hours before I'm supposed to go in is more than I can bear right now. Also, I do not feel comfortable leaving my boys on their own overnight.

Right now what I am craving and know that I need is structure and stability. I need to know what my work hours are so I can plan my life and effectively parent my boys. I'd have no problem taking a job like this if there was someone at home to help hold down the fort but I am on my own and I have to take this into consideration. A lot of this has to do with the tremendous amount of unpredictability I've faced in the past years. First there was my husband's illness and the constant, up and down not knowing if the treatments would work or if he was going to die. Then with my remarriage my new husband was always threatening me with divorce so there was that roller coaster and the eventual divorce. In between these events were many involving my parents' illnesses, my Mom's death and my son's diagnosis of Long QT Syndrome (potentially fatal heart arrhythmia).

After getting the job offer I went and talked with Human Resources and explained my situation ("widow card") and that I'd prefer a suburban location. The HR Head said she'd see about another position and we left my acceptance on hold. She is supposed to call back today. When I left the job fair I burst into tears after reaching the safety of my car and had a good, long cry. I asked the Universe what it wants me to do here. I want and need a job but I am not willing to keep adding to the instability of my life by working a job that will bring that to me. I talked with a couple of friends and got the typical responses - about how I need to try and make this work and somehow arrange my life so it can fit around this job. My two male friends glossed over my concern about leaving the boys on their own overnight.

I'm trying to remain strong here and do the right thing for all of us. It is more challenging for someone like me to work out the details of a new job. I can't just take whatever is offered because there are too many ramifications. It would actually be easier to just take the job because that is what everyone else seems to think is the best thing. But it is harder to stand up for what I believe is better (and not the popular opinion) and that would be not taking this job because I do not want the upheaval it would being to our lives on a daily basis. So the widow not only has a harder life but then she is not supported for making the decisions she feels are the right ones to make. I'd say this is a pretty good example of damned if you do, damned if you don't, or at least that is how it feels to me.

About my boys - I don't care what anyone thinks or says. As an only parent it is up to me to make the decisions regarding their health, well being and welfare. I only know too well what can happen (and plenty of bad things happen). So if I error on the side of caution so be it. Better safe than sorry and it is one of the few things I do have a small amount of control over. But how frustrating to always be criticized for being an overly protective parent. And what about my safety besides? No one seems to consider the risk I may have driving into Chicago on my own at night. I just think I'm expected to always be some superwoman and I've reached a point where I'm saying "no." I have limitations, I can only be stretched so far. My life was ripped out from under me, I'm trying to move on as best I can and now the least I deserve is respect for the careful decisions I make because I think they are what is best. And if others can't or won't give me that, then I'll have to be strong and give it to myself because I know it is right.

Yesterday, I felt so defeated and exhausted. I felt like giving up on life and living - just throwing my hands up and admitting defeat.