Sick of Strength

I've heard variations of the "Strength" platitude over and over - "You've got to stay strong," or "You're so strong." These are always from individuals who have someone to lean on. Easy to say this stuff when you can crash every once in awhile and let someone else carry the load.

I'm not strong. Just because I've handled a lot of hardship doesn't make me stronger than others. I've just had to deal with a larger share of problems. Believe me, if I could, I would not be handling all this. I do it because I have to and I do it alone because I don't have a choice.

There is this stupid belief out there that strength builds character and we become better for having survived hardship. I don't believe this anymore. In fact, I don't believe any of those platitudes we've been raised on anymore. As time goes on, or at least now, I find the constant strength in having to rise to every occasion solo, is just draining me and leaving me more bitter. Forget about becoming wiser and stronger. Here is a quote by the businessman J.C. Penney that illustrates this:

"I am grateful for all of my problems.
After each one was overcome,
I became stronger and more able to meet those that were still to come.
I grew in all my difficulties."

Well, I've reached the point where I'm not feeling very grateful for my problems. And I've reached the point where I don't want to meet anymore. I don't like this life and I don't want to be living it as it is panning out anymore. I read all these inspirational quotes where I should greet each day, even the hard ones, with joy in my heart and gratefulness for being here and all of that. But if I were to say that I thought that, I'd be lying.

Feeling very, very weary and drained. Got through the debacle with the van being towed and its flat tire and all only to face a week later, another flat tire. Then some tickets for failure to not have a city vehicle sticker (which I didn't know we needed). And so it goes... More to face and handle. More energy that gets chipped away from my heart and soul.

My son received acceptances into two of the five colleges he applied at. Receiving those letters with the "Congratulations on your acceptance..." took a little bit of the sting away from the bad news that happened.

I'm tired of being strong. It is okay to be weak. In a marriage or partnership or close family there are opportunities to sometimes let others carry the load. I think I've reached my limit. I feel my back finally breaking.

I'll get up tomorrow and do the stuff of living I have to do. But it is like going through the motions. It is easy to be positive and motivated when things are going well. Seems impossible now to feel joy when there is so much discouragement and my spirit is sagging. My strength is tapped out.

As I write these feelings out, I realize that along with the stupid platitudes, there comes the guilt for not being able to be strong. Because when people tell you to keep on being strong, it is expected that you'll keep your chin up and do just that. Where are the platitudes for failing gracefully or not being able to keep up? Platitudes aren't realistic. What is real, is the realization that people will sometimes fail and fall. I want a platitude that gives me permission to feel the honest feelings I'm having about discouragement, exhaustion, bitterness and weakness. I need a platitude that gives me some direction on what to do when too much strength has actually ended up making me weak.

Lost Minds and Cookbooks

You know it is bad PMS when you go ahead and order the XL frozen hot chocolate. $4.00 well spent.

Had a bad week. Was getting worried since I felt so down and out, not to mention fatigued/drained. What was getting me the most down was even just the thought of doing all the household chores - laundry, cleaning, cooking. shopping, taking the garbage/recycling out. Didn't have it in me to do any of this stuff - virtually no energy. Also, feel some testiness which means general annoyance at stupid people, e.g. semitruck drivers who don't wait in line like the rest of us for 15 minutes in construction zones and just cut in.

I do get depressed at having to do everything on my own and living alone. It seems so endless and I'm so tired from the previous years of doing everything. It is a big fat myth that adversity makes one stronger. In my opinion, it just makes you more depleted with less hope and energy. The exact opposite of what people always perkily quip.

Tonight I was ready to make two dinners with sale ingredients from the store, but then I couldn't find the cookbook I needed to use. I was so dispirited after this. Not being able to find things is pretty much a daily occurrence in my home. I would say that it stems from a combination of not enough time to stay on top of clutter as an only parent always running around after teen boys and trying to maintain a household without another parental unit for support or teamwork.

So I decided to stop fretting about the cookbook - I mean where can a cookbook go if it is not on the bookshelf, or floor (looked under all furniture and the bed) and in the kitchen and even went out to the cars, but how or why it would have ended up there didn't seem likely. I decided to whip up a huge batch of French Toast to use up some eggs. But then I couldn't find the vanilla extract when I'm sure there was a full bottle around just the other day. Where would a bottle of vanilla go if it isn't in the cabinets or with the spices? Maybe I am really out of it and just don't remeber using it all? That's another side effect of always having to stay on top of life by your lonesome - sometimes you do lose it, you just can't help it, the cards come tumbling down.

I try to keep the stress of my life as a long-term only parent out of the equation of my moods but find that sometimes I can't. Why should I put on my happy face all the time? "It is what it is," everyone always says. Combine life with PMS and it can feel pretty insurmountable.

I said "No" this week. On Wednesday, my day off, I spent the ENTIRE day taking care of taxes (mine and the boys'). There were complications. My H & R Block guy had to reschedule the next appointment after me because we needed more time. Thursday I was supposed to go to a volunteer church activity with my girl friend but I didn't want to go. I was tired from the tax ordeal and kept looking around my home space in dismay. I just can't seem to rustle up the time to tend to home duties. Now why would I be volunteering my valuable time to give to others when I can't even take care of my own needs?

On that same note I told Sam I couldn't come to see him over the weekend. When I go to see him it is a break and fun but I come home to everything I left undone and it creates a lot of stress. So he is going to come for Easter.

Everything takes so much time - laundry, housework, cooking, cleaning. I have told myself that I have to focus on taking care of the home front first and foremost. No more running away for play time. That is a hard one, because of course we need free time and enjoyment. But I need to get some aspects of my life together and squared away and as a widowed mom, the only way that is going to happen is if I do concentrate on work for the time being. The playing can come later.

I don't often say "No." But I have to in order to preserve my sanity and move onward. There is that double standard thing going on though. When I assert myself and stick up for myself I'm often criticized and told I'm not organized or strong enough - that something is deficient with me. I won't play the game anymore. Thursday and Friday were so busy at work. I was tired both days. After work on Friday I went to my absolutely most favorite place in the world to go - Walmart - to pick up my son's prescription for acne medication. Every month I go through some major conflict getting this script filled and yesterday was no different. I ended up spending two hours in the Walmart (I will spare you the details). I hadn't had lunch and was starving. I considered buying a candy bar or something. I didn't get home until after 5:00. So for those out there constantly pointing a finger at me, I put up my hands and say, a big "NO more."

Heroic Widowed Only Parent Mom

Last week began with my oldest, E., calling me hysterically from the automatic banking machine. He had deposited his cash tips totaling $140.00 and didn't receive a receipt. 18 years old. I've been told by some that I should and even could declare myself more "free" from him. That legally I am no longer even responsible for him. Are you kidding? Maybe 18-year-old males need parental input and support more than ever. I will never desert my sons. My childhood involved my siblings and I to be virtually self-sufficient. And I didn't have children to carry on that legacy. Yes, I need to guide my sons to be responsible and independent adults. But that doesn't mean shooing them out on their own upon their 18th birthdays.

My son ended up calling the bank's "Help" number. I didn't know what else to tell him. He was upset that it was outsourced and had difficulty understanding the woman he spoke with. It was not the time to tell him that I do not use these kinds of machines after hours for just the reason my son experienced. But he was assured that his deposit was credited.

Later in the week, I had the surreal experience of getting E. to two locations at the same time - his first volleyball match, which he was very pumped about since he is head team captain, and yet another band concert. Both locations were 30 minutes apart from one another. Said heroics involved a migraine (mine), negotiations with the vb coach and band director, my son changing into a tux in the van, and running down the halls of the high school to get his instrument from the band room and then to reach the stage. I will leave it at that and forgo more details.

This weekend, I had a 12:15 a.m. run to the all night pharmacy for some medication for my youngest, A. And so it goes.

I am tired and depleted. No one to share the responsibilities with or the logistics of how to figure all this stuff out. Sometimes the difficulties cancel out all the joys of parenthood. When I sink under the covers no one pats my shoulder and says, "Job well done, Mom."

I bring this all up now because I feel I haven't taken care of my own needs. The boys have always come first as it should be. But my relationships have always seemed lopsided, uneven. How can dating or seeing someone ever be fair and equal when my life is so intense and busy? The men in my life haven't had full time parenting responsibilities and have not understood the pressures always on my plate. I end up getting resentful and upset because it isn't even. Sometimes it has felt as though I have to do most of the work in my home along with my personal life.

Is there a solution to this? What do other only parents do when dating when they end up feeling like this?

I have decided to direct the focus onto myself this Spring a little more than I have in the past. I need to tend to my own home and affairs. That is just the way it is and has become. I still have never finished organizing our living environment or my finances and paperwork. It is Spring Break and the boys have promised to help me in this process. I will be more demanding of them.

One of my divorced girlfriends leaves her two kids, the ages of my sons, to fend for themselves over the weekends as she is with her boyfriend, out dancing, going for a drink, etc. I don't approve. She, I suppose is disapproving of my not getting out much socially. We represent two ends of the spectrum. Maybe it is impossible for only/single parents to lead balanced lives. It will just end up being lopsided, falling more on one side than the other. Parents constantly bemoan the fact that there aren't enough hours in the days. For only parents, there truly aren't. Nor is there enough steam in the engine to sometimes accomplish what needs to get done in the most productive manner.

Snow Day, Sort Of

Yesterday morning, I went into work but no one had called to tell me I had been taken off the schedule on account of the blizzard on its way. I didn't mind going in and turning back because it allowed me to stop for groceries before the worst of the storm hit. I would say we got about 16 inches of snow but the real kicker was the thunder and lightening that accompanied the storm!

The boys have a snow day today and tomorrow off from school and I am off both days as well. Everything is pretty much shut down around here. Most people are plowed in their driveways and can't get out yet. I heard that Macy's in downtown Chicago was going to try and open for business this afternoon but I want to shout "Why?" Who is thinking about shopping at a major department store after a storm like this? What is so important that it can't be waited to be purchased until the roads clear?

A news person told everyone that was staying home from work today to stay inside and enjoy their families and all I can say to that is a huge "AMEN!" It is so sad that it takes a major storm to give people an opportunity to have a bit of time off and to spend some of it with their families being grateful that they are all safe and sound from the raging elements outside.

I was gleeful at the prospect of three whole days off. But my glee has turned a little bit sour at this point. The boys are off sledding and bowling while I am catching up on laundry and dirty dishes. It makes me realize how much I desperately need a day off - really off from any family and domestic duties. I don't begrudge my sons the fun of a real snow day when they can go out and sled and hang out with friends at the bowling alley. That is part of what a snow day is all about. But I do feel a bit bad that in order for me to claim a real snow day that I'll have to bite the bullet and just stop taking care of all the household chores that seem to mount up no matter what size home you live in! I thought living in a smaller space would mean less to do but it seems as though I'm just as busy as always.

I am reading Edith Wharton's "The House of Mirth" and can't wait for a moment to dive into it again. Am also knitting a very long scarf (over 160 inches long - it is kind of a joke) and want to just sit down and read and knit. The reasons I go off to Sam's once in awhile is because it seems as though the only times I can end up reading, baking or knitting are when I'm away from my home. Because as long as I am here, I'll find more than enough to do and no knitting, reading, or baking will ever get done!

So we all survived another major Midwestern/Chicagoland storm without too much stress or strain!

Laundry Stacked to the Sky

Dialogue from "To Have and to Hold" by Jane Green:

"I feel so happy that I don't have to go into Manhattan anymore and stand next to Joe making boring small talk with the boring wife of one of his clients, and then five minutes later I'm terrified. I can't believe that I'm going to be a divorcee, that I'm never going to wake up and see Joe lying next to me. THAT THERE ISN'T ANYONE TO STAND UP FOR ME, OR STEP IN FOR ME, OR TAKE OVER WHEN THINGS GET TOO DIFFICULT."

"I know," Emily says. "That's the bastard about being single. You have to do everything yourself. But on the plus side, you haven't got anyone telling you what to do. You can eat Ben & Jerry's for breakfast, lunch and supper if you want."

Alice snorts. "If you want what? If you want to grow into the size of a house?"

I am snorting too. I'm too tired, drained, discouraged and disillusioned most of the time to do anything fun for myself anyway. What is the point? I'd much rather be sharing life with a partner right now taking out the garbage on a shared basis than have a choice of whatever I want to eat.

This week I have to figure out how to get the van towed and looked at for a repair estimate. The sedan needs to be repaired as I have to drive my son to a talent competition at the end of the week about 300 miles away. Arrangements need to be completed for that - what my son will wear, etc. and plans for having a place to stay for my youngest while we're gone. I still need to figure out if we'll stay over in a hotel or make the trip in one day. Have to work Mon - Fri on my feet, the boys have finals this week, and I want to go through some of my father's things as his memorial service is on the 16th. Also need to figure out financial aid applications for my oldest - gosh, I hope that can be postponed to next week!

All of that and still I need to do laundry, make dinner, shop (although maybe this week we'll rely more on fast prepared options). How am I going to drop off the sedan and then get to work? I'm hoping the guys at the body shop will drive me but then there is the need for a ride back to the shop from work. It is too long a distance to walk.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with too many decisions to make and too much to do. Now is the time I could use that help Jane Green refers to - someone to step in for me to give me a hand.

The above photo is just one of the piles of laundry currently in our home. This is of the boys' clothing. We have another of towels, my stuff and a huge bag of white socks that I seem to never get to - it just stays in the closet. At $3.00 to do a load of wash, I ration it out, doing what has to be done. Then there is the issue of getting a chance to do the laundry anyway, as it seems whenever I go downstairs both machines are occupied. In my home, I had a super capacity washer and dryer - these machines don't allow me to fill them with half of what I'm used to.

Today, I've managed to get two loads done despite having to wait until late afternoon for a free machine. I plan on doing another load so the laundry basket stacked up halfway along the wall and pictured above will be greatly reduced.

And with that I sign off. It is so cold and dark and I am tired and just want a day where there isn't so much to do, plan, think about and decide by myself.

Frustration Tolerance

Life is made up of all these minor annoyances during our days: water heaters break, rude sales clerks, having to wait in endless lines, people who cut us off on the road and then give us the finger... In regard to that last one, can we please all grow up and just stop that? Can I call for "No one giving anyone the finger day" for one day a year? It is so rude and unnecessary. Anyway, you get my point.

This past week I've dealt with my share of frustrations. I'm trying to get my oldest son a new acne prescription that requires this pretty confusing and complicated registration process. We tried getting it for him in the spring and I eventually gave up. After a month of endless interactions with the drug company, the doctor and Walmart pharmacy I couldn't take it anymore. I figured it was no longer my job to try and figure it all out when the other professionals couldn't get it together and do so.

- We have a new doctor and are going through the same craziness. I spent one whole day earlier this week on the phone with the drug company and the doctor and made two trips to Walmart as well, hating that I used the gas for nothing. I also had to get a new prescription from the doctor which the drug company says wasn't needed but Walmart required so that was another trip to the doctor and Walmart. What I am told by the drug company is that my son is inactive in the system and needs to be reactivated. The doctor's office then calls the drug company and/or goes on line to register my son and are told he is reactivated and all systems are go. Then Walmart can't fill the order and we go through the whole process again.

- In the meantime, I took in my prescription for my anti-anxiety pills and the order couldn't be filled because the doctor hadn't put in a quantity. So I had to wait about a week for the refill because the doctor is only in the office a few days a week. I made it through but noticed that I was having trouble sleeping again not taking the pills and as my frustration increased with my son's prescription not getting filled I started wanting a pill to take to help calm my nerves.

- Wednesday night, 9:00 p.m., my oldest announces that he needs to wear black pants and a black shirt to play in a Veteran's Day assembly the next day. Thanks for the heads up! Thankfully, I try and wash his "good" clothes immediately after they are worn and hang them up so they were ready to go in the closet. Had they not have been, I'd had to stay up throwing in a load of laundry, just my favorite task to do at 10 p.m.!

- My oldest tells me that the oil light has been on in the van for a number of days and he needs an oil change. I become somewhat frantic worried that the van's engine has been burned out because of this. I speak sharply to my son and have to come up with $20.00 we don't have for an oil change, although I used a coupon and that helped save some money. In the end, the car guys said the oil was fine and it turns out my son noticed the oil light coming on when he started the van. It was never on when he was driving but it worried him. So, again, we could have made it through a couple more weeks without this extra expense. But he feels more secure driving now and we don't need another oil change until February. But talk about needing an anti-anxiety pill (Klonopin)! I truly thought we were headed for even more car repair bills.

- My youngest asked for my help with a craft project for school (extra credit for Chemistry). Go figure, crafts in Chemistry. I went to JoAnn's for felt, glue and pipe cleaners. Again, this former craft queen cringes having to spend any extra money for crafts right now. In fact, after the project was completed I went back to JoAnn's, which is next to Walmart anyway, to return two unused pieces of felt and a small bottle of tacky glue. I got back $1.26 but worth it to me. Those dollars and even pennies add up when you're living under reduced circumstances as we are. The sad part of this story, however, is that after significant effort helping with this silly project, my son failed to tell me that the animal we had to make out of felt needed to be stuffed. While working on the project there was even a bag of stuffing out on the chair beside us! As a result, my son only received 20 points out of 30. I know it is not my fault and all, it was just disappointing to learn of this oversight!

- I am leaving the best for last following my oldest son's statement to me that he is out of deodorant. I was in bed ready to go to sleep, when my youngest came in and threw a pair of jeans on top of me, saying, "Here is a contribution to Goodwill." I replied, "That was very rude of you to throw those on me like that." He stomped out of the room with a reply of "You're rude!" Yes, the fun of parenting adolescent males!

I'd say this is a fair share of little inconveniences and frustrations that happen to all of us. I think, however, that there are then the "bigger" ones looming in our lives. We have to balance between the day-to-day annoyances that pop up as well as the ongoing difficulties going on in our lives. In my case, the need for a new job and the job search, dealing with grave financial limitations, needing to get my sedan fixed but not having the extra funds to do so. We're short this month because of the $600.00 in car insurance that was due.

I dealt with frustrations pretty well when I was married - the smaller ones were easier to brush off and forget about and with my husband, we were always able to come together with solutions for the more major challenges. Now on my own, I don't do to well under the pressure of the little stuff combined with the big stuff. There seems to be something always to worry about and the small stuff is harder to just ignore.

At least I've figured out the best times to go to Walmart without having to wait in line with another 13 people! Yes, 13 people have been in front of me, more than once! Don't hit Walmart after work, between 5:00 and 6:00 p.m. or on weekend. And I learned how to get my photos off my phone onto the computer and then to my blog (all by myself, I'll add!). Yeah, non-techie Mom!

Widows with Capes (Superwomen)

I didn't post last night because the computer was needed for homework and by the time it was free I was just too beat. Going back to school for this short certificate program has given me a reality check as to what it will be like to return to the work force full-time. Honestly, I don't know how only parents do it. Even with my boys being older there are logistical problems to navigate. My oldest has a volley ball tournament some distance away on Sat. I have to attend a mandatory all- staff meeting at the big box store from 7-9 a.m. to review the holiday selling strategy. I attended one of these for the bridal selling period and then for college and back-to-school shopping and found them pointless. A lot of rah rah stuff and help the customer blah blah blah but as a cashier I pretty much just ring up whatever the customers bring me. I resent having to attend these meetings at such hours because I have to return to work my shift in the evening. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to get my son to the tournament that starts in the afternoon. And how he'll get home since we're not sure when his team will end playing. Then I have to worry about the youngest running around. I would feel so much better to have an adult at home or near home in case of an emergency or just to be there for a sense of security.

I am anticipating taking the boys to see GF and the town and school leaving tomorrow night and returning Fri. There won't be any other time to do so since I work Sat., have clinical Sun. and need to be at school next week for the final exam review. And if I miss a class I need to go to the night class to make it up - much better to just go as scheduled. But in any case, here is where the superwoman expectations come in. Lets say I decided to move right away and get married and enroll the boys in the new school. They would need to ideally start the new school's next term on Nov. 30th. In the meantime, I'd need to get a moving estimate, pack up the apt. which has never been fully unpacked, keep studying for the final, complete the clinical hours, finish consoliating two of the storage shed units, work at the big box store unless I just quit without any notice, deal with teen boys who don't want to move, keep making dinner and parenting... YIKES!

I hate to be a complainer or always negative but all of this is for me right now an awful lot to handle and accomplish. I think for so many only parents, widows and widowers that we are often thrust into having to handle too much for our plates to hold because of the untimely deaths of our spouses. It is hard - it is grueling - it is frustrating - it is depleting - it is depressing. I know I've posted on this topic before pointing out that in addition to having to do too much physically, there is the emotional component of coping without a spouse's support and handling all of this on less rest than others because we are still dealing with the ONGOING physical depletion of grieving and loss.

GF mentioned to me last night that he has to deal with "problems" too. His son got a 99% on his multiplication test but a 0% on his division test. I wish that was the extent of what I had to worry about right now!

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful red and gold leaves still on some of the trees that I saw today.
2. For the warm temperature.
3. For the sun and lack of rain.
4. Animal crackers.
5. A full gas tank even though it cost $46.00 to fill (usually I only put in $20.00 at a time).

When it Rains it Pours

I find weeks like the one I've just survived, challenging for me. I think the widowhood component really plays a hand in it all. Juggling too many things, physically and emotionally tired, not getting enough sleep, "only" parenting, worrying on top of everything.

Last Sunday I spent the day at the storage shed and dropped a heavy box on my right foot. I've been in significant pain since and have had to wear a slipper, as my foot and toes are swollen and terribly bruised. I went to the doctor who wanted me to get an x-ray but the week has been so crazy I've skipped that. I started my Certified Nursing Training, with classes meeting an hour away Tue., Wed. and Thur. during the day. Then on Tue. night my oldest had a band concert. I drove my son's drum set to guyfriend's house because it took up so much space in the storage shed. That took two trips (two evenings since he lives an hour and 15 minutes away). In my free time I read the text book and studied for an exam. And I met with my attorney to discuss the option of filing for bankruptcy and I delivered various tax and financial documents. As if all this wasn't enough, I had to give the apt. a good cleaning because they were doing a maintenance check on Wed. and would come in while I was in class - I hate that - not being home when someone will be there! But wait there's more! The "Service Engine Soon" light keeps popping up on and off when I drive my car, so just something else to toss on the plate to worry about.

But the real kicker was helping guyfriend move 4 hours out-of-state. We did it ourselves (to save money) starting on Friday morning. Packed up his entire little house and carried all his furniture in the rain to the truck. His home is actually smaller than my apartment and it was a good thing that he was kind of living like a bachelor. As in a lot of divorces, his ex kept everything and he just picked up used furniture and such at garage sales (except for the electronics and computers which are all new, big and hard to carry). We unloaded the beds and put together the king size one so we could sleep on it Friday night. Again, it was raining and cold (there were even snow flurries mixed in with the rain). The 4 hour drive took 5 hours because we had to drive through rain and wind.

The next morning we quickly finished unloading the truck. Although it was cold, the sun was out. Guyfriend rented a nice and cozy one-level home with a finished basement (3 bedrooms). The landlords are a delighful older couple and the woman hugged me upon meeting me. The neighborhood is modest but very well-kept and cute. The high school is two blocks away. Guyfriend's new job is 5 minutes away.

I was a bit resentful helping guyfriend with his move because I felt that he had kind of wimped out in helping me with mine and believe me, my move was pretty major - I've got stuff in 3 storage sheds that I'm trying to consolidate and it took the movers 2 days to complete! Talk about stressful and exhausting! I talked to guyfrind about this, also telling him that I was giving up the only two days I had off to work in the storage sheds to assist him. It didn't help that I had a bum toe and foot either. Then because it was Halloween the boys had a lot of activites scheduled and I insisted they find friends to sleep over at since I'd be out of town on Friday night. But that was just another aspect of the scheduling logistics needed. I suppose some of my resentment also stems from the fact that when I help someone like this it is at a cost to myself and my family. Two days away from the homefront and things start to fall apart. Guyfriend doesn't have to make arrangements for his son or to worry about him while he is away - just another piece of the widowhood puzzle that rears its ugly head, especially when I'm interacting with someone who doesn't face the same parenting challenges.

Guyfriend's training schedule necessitated that he make this move so quickly. He also wanted his home empty for the new renters he hopes to get for his place. He needed to fly out for training in Detroit today where he'll be for a week. He comes back next Sunday but flies out again for another week in Detroit after a week at this home base. It was just all so rushed and crazy. But we got it done - and we talked through my resentment and he listened and heard me and acknowledged me. We also talked about my moving to be with him and get married but he accepted that it is a hard situation for me. He told me he hopes I will do so because we make a "good couple" and we will have a good life together. I will always be welcome in his home, even if I can't move right away. He is not going to force or try to pressure me, which is exactly the opposite of how Husband #2 reacted.

We were a good team together this weekend. We get along so well and even when I am terribly upset, we work out the issue. Despite the hard, physical labor of moving, we had fun together and as always I enjoy just being in his company. I got home Saturday night and picked up my youngest from a Halloween party around 10. I was so beat and drained. It was fortunate that the time was put back and I could gain an hour of sleep because I had to be at my clinical this morning at 7 a.m. and only got about 5 hours of sleep. My foot is still swollen so I had to wear a different shoe to the clinical and I feared I'd have to cancel and make it up. But I got through it and am so glad my first week of class is over - just 4 to go! I feel a sense of accomplishment for all that I achieved this week. After I got home this afternoon I put in 3 hours at the storage shed and have finally made a dent and enough space so I can start transferring things from one of the other sheds tomorrow.

I still have to figure out what we are going to do about moving with the boys. I talked with them today and both want to complete high school here. I pointed out that we will still be financially strained here but the social aspects and potential scholarships their coaches are pursuing for them seem to be the great draw. Guyfriend told me if we stay, he can have "visitation" with me every other weekend.

Right now I am tired again and going to bed early to try and make up some sleep. I am sore and I miss guyfriend. He is now 4 hours away and that is pretty far.

Alone

I am tired and drained from the workday - in the past three months I have worked every Saturday and Sunday, along with some Fridays. All day long I worried about getting the house cleared out and ready for our move on August 25th. What is absolutely the worst aspect of widowhood for me is not having a helpmate by my side to share some of the load (emotional, parenting and with the day-to-day tasks of living, including the house and working).

I get up alone and sleep alone. Right now on my list to the Universe of what I most want in the future is to be able to SHARE A BED with a committed, loving man. The lack of daily support has really taken its toll over the years. There is no one here when I get home to offer a hug, a drink, encouragement, a smile, a back rub, or an opportunity to vent. Hard to keep pulling yourself up by the bootstraps day after long day.

This aspect of widowhood needs to be put out on the table - some of us don't have supportive family and friends can only be relied on so much. How do tired, drained widows recharge and revive themselves to keep on going? Especially those working with kids to actively supervise and parent? That is the great question of the day.

And to take it up a notch, I'm just talking about the day-to-day stuff here - what about handling the conflict and stress that results from extreme hardship such as foreclosure and moving, as in my case. I'm already pretty much depleted to the extreme and now I have to get through another hardship on my lonesome. None of the widow guidebooks I've read over the years have had any sections on this issue.

Widows are doing the work of two but not receiving any support back from a partner to help defray the stress and strain of the double work load.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the orange ball of sun I saw setting in the horizon as I drove home from work.
2. For the good ham and turkey sandwich I made for lunch.
3. That I had clean clothes to wear to work.
4. For the spaghetti I made this morning before work so I had a nice dinner ready for me when I got home.
5. For being able to lay my head against a cool pillow when I go to bed.

Coping

This is the best I can do today:

1. Make a fruit salad
2. Drive the boys to their baseball and volleyball events
3. Have food in the house for them to eat
4. Shower and look presentable
5. Go to work and then work
6. Take a vitamin
7. Focus on the moment


Today I am grateful:

1. That I am not an alcoholic.
2. That I am not a drug addict.
3. That I don't weigh 200 pounds.
4. That I am intelligent.
5. That there is food in the house.

Sleeping Better Tonight

I went online briefly before dinner and came across sites offering health insurance quotes. I filled in some introductory info. and got a call back from Blue Cross Blue Shield later in the evening. Tonight I will be resting much better because I obtained immediate coverage starting on Friday which will be in effect for the month my actual policy is underwritten. This is a Godsend because my oldest starts Club Volleyball tomorrow night and one of the questions on his application form requests insurance information. I was actually afraid he'd be dropped from the team without insurance.

Instead of the $600.00 a month cost I had feared, this coverage will be $320.00 monthly and can be canceled at anytime (when I obtain full-time work, hopefully soon).

I can't tell you the relief that has come over me. This will not be an expense that is easy to afford but I don't feel I can live without health insurance and this amount is $300.00 less than what I'd first expected. And there are other options I am finding. For about $240.00 a month I could obtain hospital only coverage if I want to reduce the monthly premium. This plan doesn't cover prescription costs so I am still going to need to investigate how to obtain some relief from those costs - Walgreen's has a Prescription Savings Plan I'll probably need to get. And there is still dental care needed.

But at least for the time being we are covered medically if there is an emergency. And I know only too well the realities of hospital bills and medical costs.

Hitting Bottom (Again)

Woke up this a.m. to see an odd site in the front lawn - we were "forked" with dozens of white, plastic forks stuck into the newly mowed grass! I figured it was some kids who know the boys. I love that they are popular but it can be a double-edged sword. We've gotten t.p.ed by girls trying to get the attention of my youngest; egged by some boys jealous of my oldest. Then tonight, my oldest called me while I was still at work around 10:30. He was very unsettled and reported that someone had dumped ketchup on the driveway and thrown oatmeal on the car. I know it is still probably kids who know the boys but it is bothersome. The pranksters who did the forking did so right outside my open window last night and I did not hear a thing.

I guess where this is all leading tonight is that I am simply tired of living on my own as an only mom. I want a male presence around to help make me feel safer and secure. I've just worked eight hours and it is late. Now I have to come home and face such silliness. I don't have the energy or good humor anymore to deal with this kind of stuff. I wish I could laugh it off and make light of it. But at this time there are too many other problems to face and this kind of thing really puts me over the edge.

Oh, and to top it all off, in the mail was a rejection letter denying the boys state medical insurance coverage. And darn it that Monday is a holiday because now I'll have to worry about all this another day before getting some kind of answer. In the past five years the absolutely worst feeling I have had has been when I have not been able to provide for my boys adequately. To be facing no insurance right now is extremely upsetting to me. I have no choice but to look for another job that will enable me to have coverage. I am scheduled to work only 19.5 hours next week, way below the 35 I was originally promised.

I have really hit another low point and slump. It is hard for me to feel hopeful and many of my thoughts are focused on how I should have moved out of state sooner with my second husband instead of choosing to delay the move to care for my dying Mom. But of course I didn't have a crystal ball to see into the future. Never in a million years when I first got married and had the boys would I have believed this would have been my destiny. Nor would I have believed that after remarrying, my second husband would dump us and leave us in financial and emotional tatters.

Today I am taking a break from my grateful/thankful list on purpose. I am tired and have to go back to work again tomorrow morning. I hope I can sleep some of this sadness off. I wish my life was not such a struggle and hardship right now. I keep thinking I've hit my bottom but then I hit an even lower point so I guess I'm still not there yet. But I'm not sure there is any lower point to go from here - we're pretty darn low!

My friend says that I cannot dwell on the past and what might have been because it is over and no longer an option. He says I have to focus on the future. Easier said than done.

Overgrown, Rundown & Breaking

Thankfully, the lawn service came today to mow the yard. Every Spring, I put off hiring them thinking I can do it on my own but the grass and weeds overpower me and I give up! This all made me reflect on a long-term aspect of widowhood for me - feelings of failure. I know that my measurement of myself is unrealistic. I keep trying to accomplish what two people used to do and I am forever coming up short. But it is hard to cut myself any slack because everywhere I look there is such stark evidence of what I can't get done (the yard, laundry, dishes, unread newspapers/magazines/mail, unorganized piles of "stuff," outgrown clothing and unused items that need to be weeded out...). It is depressing and sad. Just way too much to do and not enough time - we all can identify with that, widowed or not.

For me, a large part of my being unable to be less hard on myself comes from what I perceive as other people looking down on me. When they drive down my street they see a more rundown house than the others on the block and the yard is more unkempt. This embarrasses me. I feel bad about myself and my situation. I hate to always feel that others are judging me negatively based on appearances. And that is where I start getting down on myself - if only I were better, stronger, faster then I could get more done...

It is a losing battle. The longer I live on my own the harder it seems to be (not easier!). I am more drained, more lonely, more discouraged. The house seems to get more rundown and that is how I imagine my body is reacting as well - like a car that is aging year after year, the rust becoming more evident; the creaks and dings more prominent.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the yard service mowed the yard.
2. That the yard looks a little better.
3. That the neighbors won't be so upset with me (I hope).
4. That I can knit because it is one of the few things right now keeping me sane (although I get such little time to actually knit).
5. That I am not drinking to excess.

Saving Grace

Today I received notification that the boys are temporarily covered under our State's health insurance program, while my application is being processed. The coverage is even retroactive so basically the boys were only without coverage for two weeks (and it would have only been a week if I'd been promptly notified of my divorce filing so I could have applied for the insurance sooner). This is such a relief to me! I didn't realize how much I was worried about the lack of insurance for the boys until today's mail and receiving this news. It has been a constant source of anxiety for me, especially since the boys are participating in sports - the kind of concern that has kept me up at night.

Being in this position makes me so much aware of how much we need to modify our health care system. Thank goodness there was some coverage available to me that I could apply for. I know that many employers are only offering part-time employment right now due to the Recession so there will be more folks like me in this situation.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the insurance coverage my boys are now receiving (I hope I can rest easier tonight).
2. For something that worked out (finally) to my advantage.
3. For my ability to stay focused on the boys and their needs - in the end that has to remain my number one priority.
4. That thankfully nothing serious happened during the time we didn't have health insurance coverage.
5. That small graces like this can provide huge impetus to continue forward!

Double-Bind

I got the job to help us financially but now have problems with parenting the kids - or in other words being unable to be in two places at once. My oldest came home today with the news that he needs to try out for club volleyball on Sunday but I'm working the entire day. To be honest, part of the reason I wasn't that quick to jump back to work was precisely for this reason - needing to be available for the boys, especially because they are so involved with sports and music. I have been proud that I've managed pretty well on my own in transporting them, until now.

I assured my son that I'll find him a ride but my closest friend and the one I rely on the most will be out of town for the Memorial Day holiday. He doesn't know anyone trying out but I guess I can tell him to check with his coach tomorrow. I'll try another friend tonight and maybe one of the nice moms on the team who lives close by. I've asked for so few favors over the years maybe we'll catch a break this time. What else can I do? No family is close by. The cab service in town is unreliable and scary besides. Any ideas out there?

Just more evidence on how hard it is to try and coordinate life as an only parent. It is one of the reasons I have wanted to remarry (because life is just too darn challenging to always handle on one's own with or without children!). Stuff like this results in more worry, juggling, coordination and time (all of which get added to an already full plate). Have I said I just want to throw the towel in right now? Oh right, I think I already did some posts back!

Today I am grateful:

1. For clean towels.
2. For washed and put away dishes (although the sink isn't empty right now in my kitchen - I can still appreciate when it is).
3. For fax machines which can transmit records immediately (am applying for health insurance and needed to fax some documents by today's deadline).
4. For our U.S. mail service - it doesn't get the credit it deserves.
5. For affectionate cats.

Demoted!

So much for the new job - I've been doing my best but my performance hasn't been up-to-par so my hours were reduced from 33.5 to 10. I've been taken off the management track I was on and am now classified as lowly cashier. The store manager and I had a long chat when I inquired about my reduced hours. I totally agree with him that I have not caught on that quickly. They will be training another new employee now for the "front-end lead" spot I was hired for. The manager said I am about a month behind in the training schedule they had hoped for.


How have I taken this news? The best I can. I've considered quitting but I am not a quitter and we need the money. As they want me to fill in for people calling off their shifts, I am able to recover some of my lost hours. It is frustrating to want to do a good job but not remembering all the details going along with the training. For example, the stuff I'm doing wrong include not removing the sensor scanner from a $750.00 vacuum cleaner. (A horrible alarm was set off when the poor couple left the store and managers came running out of no where!) Or forgetting how to ring up a certain type of coupon that has only come in once before.

I did explain to the manager that people have different types of learning styles and I need to have hands-on training in order to remember a procedure. Their training so far mostly involves my looking over the shoulder of an experienced cashier, who quickly does the transaction. I am then supposed to remember how to do it but I don't. I also told the manager that I've asked repeatedly for just 5-10 minutes of one-on-one time but apparently that is too much time to take to train someone individually at this super busy store. The manager was nice and said they'd try and work with me. He acknowledged my lack of retail experience and even referred to me as a "fish out of water." He also conceded that it is a challenge to go back to work after being out of the work force awhile.

Some of this too involves my life as an only parent (with a lot on her mind as well, in regard to the foreclosure/bankruptcy). I only get about 5-6 hours of sleep a night and sometimes I'm drained when I go into work - not exactly the most conducive circumstances for starting and learning a new job. It doesn't help that I haven't worked in retail since college and the younger people at this place seem to catch on much more quickly and understand what is going on more easily. Some of them have worked at Old Navy, The Gap, Carson's, Linens & Things, etc.

So there is a fair amount stacked up against me - my being middle-aged (I don't think as fast as I once did); the challenges of being an only parent; returning to the job market after a break of a few years. In fact, I haven't worked full-time in 13 years! Since I got my master's degree I've only held part-time positions. Just the fact that I made it through two 30+ hours a week is pretty good for me! My feet ached from standing eight hour shifts and were covered in blisters. But I did make it through.

Now there is the question of what I do from here. And I have decided to take the lead of my oldest. At our Mother's Day dinner we talked about my "demotion" and he got such a kick out of it - laughing up a storm and exclaiming, "How can they demote you from a cashier? Are you in the stockroom now?" His sense of humor was contagious and I've decided to try and lighten up about all of this. Ringing up the wrong coupon may seem like a big deal to management and maybe even the customer but I know that it pales in comparison to the really big stuff. So I guess I'm going to smile my way through my mishaps and apologize if necessary - but then I'm going to take off the work apron when the day is done, go home and FORGET ABOUT IT. In the meantime, I can weigh my options - keep looking for a job in my field (a counseling agency is still interested in me), maybe take a few classes, work at this place until they fire me (or maybe I will start getting the hang of it eventually).

Today I am grateful:

1. For my son's wisdom, humor and support. He did a lot to lift my mood on Mother's Day.
2. For not having had to use the Food Pantry again - working is bringing in grocery money.
3. For sticking it out and not quitting when it might have been easier (on my feet for sure) to have thrown in the towel.
4. For having the courage to try a job outside my field.
5. For having the strength to take a chance.