I am so tired - exhausted is probably the more apt word. This condensed CNA training has taken its toll - I'm not as young and energetic as I once was. I'm slowing down and it is harder for me to bounce back. Grief takes it out on us physically. After class today my oldest and I worked at the storage shed. I am hoping to finish the consolidatation of two sheds into one tomorrow - FINALLY. I felt a lot of sadness while working. I need to grieve the loss of my home and living there for 19 years. I haven't really done that yet and I'm not sure how you go about grieving a house. There is the actual physical exhaustion of moving boxes, sorting and stacking. But another part of the exhaustion is the pain that comes from having had to move my belongings into storage sheds - all that has been lost. Yes, material losses but a home that represented what my life was for so long.
Am I becoming an old hand at this grief thing? I am so much more aware of the process this time around. Really seeing and knowing that the current pain is resulting in my tiredness, listlessness and wanting to just go to bed, pull up the covers and sleep.
Grief brings on tiredness inside and out. Physical and emotional depletion. Crying leading to external exhaustion. The effort of keeping it together so that internally there seems nothing left to keep me standing. That loop that keeps running over and over in my head of memories and what ifs and regrets. The more it plays, the wearier I am. I work, study, move boxes and am tired. I think and I am tired. I grieve and the tiredness consumes my being - inside and out.