I am so tired - exhausted is probably the more apt word. This condensed CNA training has taken its toll - I'm not as young and energetic as I once was. I'm slowing down and it is harder for me to bounce back. Grief takes it out on us physically. After class today my oldest and I worked at the storage shed. I am hoping to finish the consolidatation of two sheds into one tomorrow - FINALLY. I felt a lot of sadness while working. I need to grieve the loss of my home and living there for 19 years. I haven't really done that yet and I'm not sure how you go about grieving a house. There is the actual physical exhaustion of moving boxes, sorting and stacking. But another part of the exhaustion is the pain that comes from having had to move my belongings into storage sheds - all that has been lost. Yes, material losses but a home that represented what my life was for so long.
Am I becoming an old hand at this grief thing? I am so much more aware of the process this time around. Really seeing and knowing that the current pain is resulting in my tiredness, listlessness and wanting to just go to bed, pull up the covers and sleep.
Grief brings on tiredness inside and out. Physical and emotional depletion. Crying leading to external exhaustion. The effort of keeping it together so that internally there seems nothing left to keep me standing. That loop that keeps running over and over in my head of memories and what ifs and regrets. The more it plays, the wearier I am. I work, study, move boxes and am tired. I think and I am tired. I grieve and the tiredness consumes my being - inside and out.
Grief is tiring, tiring like nothing else on earth. I feel as though I have aged a millennia, and can see that I have aged physically over the past 11 months.
ReplyDeleteAnd another thing ... why oh why is it that the bereaved are denied the right to sleep? WHEN WE NEED IT MOST!!! It's ludicrous ... either that or we sleep ALL the time to escape the pain.
Bah! It's hard work just to brush your teeth and hair some days isn't it, let alone mop the kitchen floor, let alone move house. Do you remember how you managed to do that or is it a blur? I'm so sorry you had to move, it must have been incredibly painful. I know that things are only things, but homes have a lot of memories and I hate to think of you having even more pain piled on top of the unspeakable pain you already battle each and every day.
Take care of yourself (whenever you have the energy) xx
I do hope that in some way this is just a new beginning opening up for you. You had to resolve (albeit painfully) the old to start anew. Yes, no question it is with heavy sadness that you feel the loss of your home. It is one of the things that ground us, the place we call home, and to move from it when you did not want to under the circumstances you faced was incredibly hard. You should feel proud of the things you have singlehandedly accomplished.
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Boo - It is nice to have you drop by and add your comments. The sleep thing IS terrible. The first six months I didn't sleep much. I'd go to bed at 12:00, wake up at 3:00, read til 5:00 and then fall asleep until 6:00 or 7:00. I also had to have all the lights on in the house, including the bedroom since I was frightened of monsters, ghosts, intruders, storms, mice, the animals outside, you name it!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I got through the moving/packing/selling of my home/finding a new place. There wasn't much time off this summer and it seemed that all I did was work on the house one way or another. It has been a tough year to get through.
I liked how you put it - that some days it is difficult to brush one's hair let alone mop the kitchen floor. All of us need to really give ourselves credit for getting through these days as well as we do, whether or not we brush our hair!
Susana - I am very sorry that your loss has led you to this post/blog. Blogging has been a way for me to work through my grief and I have found tremendous comfort and support interacting with others who share this situation. I wish you a measure of comfort, peace and hope in the weeks ahead. All of us here will be there for you.
ReplyDeleteDebra - You certainly put a different spin on the situation. I have never really thought of it as a new beginning borne out of the resolution of the old. But that is a fresh and far more positive way of looking at the future! As always, I am grateful for your words of acknowledgment - it means a lot to hear complimentary comments, especially when the going is tough.
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