Believe

Two years ago at this time I was cashiering at a big box store and ringing kids and their parents up for college/dorm gear. I asked each one where they were going, why they were going there, their majors and what they liked best about the college of their choice. I learned about Big 10 schools like Purdue and tiny Christian colleges I'd never heard of. I was particularly interested in comments about the school my oldest wanted to attend. I ONLY heard positives about this school, including how the professors invited the kids over to their homes for dinner parties, ate lunch with their students and even gave out their home phone numbers!

Part of me was disbelieving that my son would be able to go away to school. I figured at best, he'd attend our very good local community college and transfer on for his second or Junior year. We were in the middle of selling our home for a virtual wash (I received sale proceeds only enough to move and put a down payment on an apartment home). It was an extremely difficult and despairing time for me.

But now here we are having recently returned from a long and thorough two-day orientation at that university I ONLY heard good things about. And yes it is true that the profs give out their home numbers - the university President even gave his email out with the assurance that he reads and responds to each and every one!

To go from disbelief to belief! All that worrying and fear for naught. I'm not sure I would not have been able to not worry or despair those years ago. I just wish I hadn't done so much of it. Because I think in the end, hopefully for the most part, life has a way of working out. My son is going to the college of his choice and it is an amazing fit for him. He has already been asked to be a campus student leader and to join a group of young men who escort female students across campus at night for safety. He is also already taking classes in his actual major, which thankfully are his earliest 8:00 a.m. classes so he is eager to get up and attend.

I would describe his college with these words: extremely positive, helpful and welcoming. He was accepted on Feb. 14 and between that time and now received at least 8 phone calls from current students welcoming, congratulating him and acting as a sounding board for any of his concerns or questions. All that positivity those two days at orientation really rubbed off on me. I felt so much more confident, happy and hopeful. It makes me want to be less negative and focused on all that is difficult in my life. Yes, widowhood has its challenges and I don't think I am the best suited person for this lifestyle. I have certainly struggled. But I'd like to take a cue from my son's university here and try to make the next year less of a hardship, drain and chore and more into a hopeful vision of what can be for and in my life in the future. Because in the end all that worrying, anxiety and extra 10 pounds were for nothing. What I couldn't see as happening actually did happen. How easier life would have been if despite the hardships I'd been a bit more believing and hopeful.

So now I know. I know to be more positive, hopeful and enthusiastic for my younger son entering his senior year (and doesn't have a clue where he wants to go) and myself. Because life will probably all turn out over the next year vs. it not turning out. I have learned that because it has happened and I have actual proof.

Optimism

I am not optimistic by nature. From the time I've been a little girl, I've tended toward the serious, gloom and doom side. I do focus on the negatives of life. Just the other day, I got the boys and I Qdoba for dinner - we had free coupons that expired that night and it was after a volleyball game, so it was late - 8:00 p.m. Of course, I ordered the small Nachos and didn't get any chips to go with them! Then for some strange reason, they've stopped sending me the Values advertising supplement that used to come every Wednesday in the mail. It is full of the store ads and coupons for fast food places which come in handy with the boys. I didn't request they stop my delivery. I talked with the postman and he told me to call the company putting out the ads. I did so but only got voice mail - left a message asking for the ads to be sent again, but after two weeks haven't gotten it yet.

Anyway, my youngest told me last week that I am the most negative person he knows. I wasn't upset, although this was while I was driving him to Build-A-Bear, a 20-mile round trip and felt he could have saved the comment for another time. I've been thinking about his statement. His interactions have been with me as an only parent, first grieving the loss of his father, then grieving my divorce and then the loss of my home. A lot of years with a lot of sadness and strain.

For a while now, I've been toying with the idea of really trying to be more positive in my life. To try and turn the negatives into positives and all that. I was going to even make this a new year resolution and give it a go for a month. But I've changed my mind. Pain, sorrow and hardship are part of the human condition. By pretending to make negatives into positives, I'm not honoring who I am or how I'm feeling. And I want to be as authentic as possible.

Here's the deal. We live in this society that doesn't want to feel any pain. We try to avoid it at all cost and put down people who can't seem to be more positive despite their problems. Well, right not life is hard in certain ways and I'm not going to gloss over that. My life is getting better but it is a slow climb from all the loss. This period of my life is just what it is. Some challenging years as an only parent following the death of my husband, loss of home and financial instability. And you know, that is okay. It can be kind of crummy right now. I don't have to make excuses for how I feel about my life or feel bad on top of all else because I can't muster up the strength to always be optimistic and cheerful 24/7.

I try not to wallow. I do my best to look for the good in everyday. But it is still okay to say that this is a tough time for me right now. That things could be better and that I wish they were. Sometimes to just be coping with the situation at hand is optimism in and of itself. And in closing, it isn't funny to come home with a bowl of uneatable Nachos and it not being worth it to drive back to the Qdoba the next town over.

The Ice Melts

The ice eventually melted and all day there were sparkles in the tops of trees shining off the sunlight. I tried to capture some of the magic but didn't come close. So I suppose a lesson here is that life goes on and even in the aftermath of a storm, there can be unexpected beauty.

Flo commented that it is okay for us to have some self-pity every once in a while and I want to say a "here here" to that sentiment. We live in this society where it is looked down on to mope or complain. But I read somewhere that in actuality, it is rather healthy to do so on occasion - doesn't make us weaker but actually stronger because we are trying to comfort ourselves (when there isn't anyone else around to do so).

Showdown in the Checkout Lane!

I think of myself as a kind person, or at least I try to be in my daily living. I let moms with little kids go ahead of me in the grocery line, along with older folks and people with fewer items. I let cars merge in tight traffic situations and move over lanes to let faster cars pass. I make an effort to be polite and acknowledge in words thanks and compliments.

Anyway, yesterday I ran into JoAnn Crafts and Fabrics to kill some time waiting for a WalMart prescription to be filled (talk about time delays). I needed a size G crochet hook and as much as I hate spending any money on anything extra right now had enough change in my purse to afford the $1.25 cost (of course, I got the cheapest one). Now on to the check out line which like WalMart is always so crowded - about 13 people waiting.

When I got to the cashier, a younger woman cut in front of me and I moved in and politely said it was my turn. The woman immediately told me to calm down which annoyed me because I was totally calm (I absolutely hate it when people tell you this and they are the ones with smoke coming out of their ears). She reluctantly let me go ahead of her but not without some heated words directed at me. It was not a pleasant experience.

As I reflected on this encounter I realized that I reason I had stuck up for my place in line was because I feel as though so much has already been taken from me - my husband, my home and so on. As silly and trivial as it seems, I didn't want to "loose" something yet again, even as small as my place in line.

But afterward, the more I thought about this the more I wished I'd just let it go. It was an ugly encounter and unnecessary. I felt bad about it even thought I wasn't to blame and it would have been far better to have just let it be as it was playing out. There is already so much strife and conflict in the world. I have the ability to take and tolerate it. I wish I had backed off and let this woman go ahead of me. There are situations worth fighting for and those worth passing by even when you're in the right. This wasn't worth it.

Action

A few weeks ago in a comment she left me, Thelma asked what I would offer as advice to my clients struggling with comparing themselves to others, etc. And so this post is in reply to that question.

First of all, I think that we get down on ourselves and start the comparisons to others when we're going through rocky times; when times are particularly difficult and we're just depressed in general. I know that I pretty much didn't care about other people or what they had or were doing when my own life felt relatively happy, safe and secure. So the initial plan of attack might be to bolster up one's mood and overall feelings.

When I get down and out, I become way less active to the point of even hiding out and doing nothing - not even reading, knitting, housework, watching t.v. or exercising. I rotely make dinner, shop for food and care for the boys but I certainly exert very little effort on myself. Imagine a person just lying in bed for the day and you get the idea. My plan of attack then has to incorporate "Action" of any kind - something, anything, it doesn't have to be major or earth shattering. Just getting out of bed and doing some of the dishes. Or forcing myself to take a shower even if I am not going out. To get moving even though my mind hasn't yet caught up with the action being undertaken.

Sitting around and moping usually sends me into a downward spiral quickly. Energy feeds on itself and the more down and out I become. It is necessary to try and incorporate some physical exercise into the day to get the body and brain functioning. It can merely be a walk around the block but some kind of physical activity.

When we're feeling low it can be related to the sense that life seems out of our control. And I have always been a believer when those times hit that we must create order and try and bring some measure of control into our lives. Even in the midst of chaos there are aspects of our life we can control. For instance, we can focus on maintaining a clean and pleasant living environment - we can undertake to organize our bookshelves, we can clear out a drawer. Whatever the action is we can come up with something that will empower us to feel as though we have some sense of power over our lives, that it is not all left to chance.

Jude crafting a gorgeous and complicated cross stitch Christmas tree skirt as a gift inspired me with this one. She has been working on the craft since March. Setting long-term goals or having projects to work on that lead into the future is another way to deal with the sense of helplessness. "I will start reading Moby Dick and stick with it once and for all..."

I know a lot of people recommend reaching out to others by volunteering and the like but I think that at times like these, the volunteering needs to go toward you. That it is okay to be selfish and dote on yourself a bit. And especially to not to come down hard on the fact that you may be engaged in a level of behavior that you wish you hadn't stooped to. It's okay to be there because that is where you are and you wouldn't be there otherwise.

Laughter - this one gets recommended a lot too and to get caught up in a comedy or sitcom takes some of the pressure off from your own worries and problems. And we all need a break from ourselves and our lives.

And finally, instead of focusing on the past and worrying about the future, just trying to focus on the here and now - getting through the day as best one can.

Action Plan

1. Do something, anything other that sit on the chair or stay in bed.
2. Get moving and engage in some sort of moderate exercise.
3. Exert a sense of control over some aspect of life but don't make it an impossible or overwhelming task, e.g., start cleaning out one closet a week vs. trying to do all closets in one day and ending up more discouraged than before.
4. Engage in a pleasurable long-term goal/project. By taking little steps we can see progress toward the future.
5. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
6. Incorporate laughter and lightness into life.
7. Focus on the here and now instead of obsessing about the past and the future.

Taking a Break from Grief, Growth & Healing

This Law of Attraction theory is freaking me out. Here is the text of an email I recently received from inspirational author Lissa Coffey's daily message on "CoffeyTalk.com."

"What you focus on, you will experience.

When you talk about "what is" or "what was," even if you're just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future. If you ask more than you give thanks, you'll believe less in your own power. And if you insist that it's hard and that you're lonely, you'll find that it is, and you are.

Yet, ALWAYS, you can choose to focus on what's good."

So here I am complaining about my widowhood life and the crap going on at work. I seem surrounded by discontent and hardship. And I'm having so much difficulty trying to ignite some spark of hope. I'm just plain tired physically and mentally and I am convinced that that is playing a huge part. When you're fatigued, it is even harder to harness the energy needed to go forward more optimistically. I am noticing that it is easier to continue to complain than shore up my resources and take some action - in part because I am too drained on all cylinders.

I worry about The Law of Attraction and grief in general. Some of the material I have read promotes the bettering of our depressed/hopeless feelings asap. In other words, when we start feeling down and out, even if relates to the death of a loved one, we're supposed to try and convert that energy toward less negative feelings and continue doing so as though we're climbing up a ladder. There was an exercise on this involving a daughter whose father had died. And the entire process took place in a matter of moments!

I think about the grieving process for me which lasted a good year after the death of my husband and then for more than a year after my divorce. I couldn't just wipe my grief and depression away. And I needed the times that I spent in that horrible, dark, dank, smelly, wet cave when there was no possible way I'd even be able to see a lit match directly in front of my face!

All the acknowledgment about the need for having to walk through our grief into the pain. How can that occur if we're just bypassing our feelings in an effort to be less negative?

But the real question I have for the experts on this theory is this: what happens to all of us actively grieving on whatever level we're at? We're continuously thinking and acting on depressed and negative emotions. If the theory says that we get back what we're thinking of, what happens during the intense periods of grief? Does more come our way or are we given a pass because of our circumstances? Do we all prolong the time and intensity we are grieving because of this law?

I'm sick of grieving. I'm sick of my efforts to grow, heal and come to some answers about all the shit that has happened in my life. I need a break from reading books about The Law of Attraction. I continue to come back to the idea that concentrating on me for a few weeks or months would do me a great deal of good. Doing small and simple things for my benefit and pleasure and perhaps saying "no" more to my sons. Going to a movie or two. Drinking some more wine. Maybe reading nothing in the self-help section at all for a change! Being lazy, taking some nature walks. If I can find them in the storage shed, using the roller blades I bought myself after my husband died and then never used. You get the idea. Taking a break from not only grief but also healing.

I will not be able to take a break from the job search though. Today at work someone told me that over the summer there were nine CNAs working on the second floor and now there are only seven. I have come to the realization that there is no way I can get all the work done that needs to get done - it is unattainable. And for that reason I'll have to pack my bags and go elsewhere. I can't in good conscience work in such a poorly managed environment that ultimately ends up hurting those it is most supposed to help - the residents. I can quit tomorrow if I have to - the poor people at this facility are stuck there.

I'm praying that some "me time" will end up inspiring me and providing me with some energy so I can go out there and job hunt again. And that in the process some of my hope and optimism will also be restored.

No One To Talk To

A major albatross for me are the bleachers at the high school. Not exactly the bleachers but the people filling the stands and the representation of intact families and couples. I know this is a trigger for me and should come up with some method of reducing my anxiety when I attend school functions. But usually I am in such a hurry to get to and fro that it sneaks up on me - the onslaught of feelings and emotions that overcome me like they did when I went to my oldest's volleyball game on Thursday.

His team was playing my old high school so that was part of the problem. Now nostalgia from the past got added to the mix along with other memories from my childhood, not so good. Probably a loaded and charged situation.

My youngest was demonstrating some brotherly support by going with me to see his brother play since he was starting and doesn't always play. But after the teams were introduced and we stood for the flag, he told me that he wanted to leave to sit with friends. I pointed out to him that if he left me I would be the only person sitting alone in the bleachers. He scoffed at my comment, then looked around the gym. His eyes widened as he realized I was right. Yes, I would have been the only one by myself in a crowd of many if he hadn't ended up sitting with me for the game.

Now I suppose this is a minor hardship to deal with in the grand scheme of things. In fact, my youngest told me there was a way to deal with my discomfort by not going to these events. Although that of course is not a solution because I want to see my sons whenever they are participating in an event of any kind.

I think a major factor in all of this is the length of time that this has been going on. Six and a half long years of this! I'm tired and drained and the constant strain of this is taking its toll. The widowed have to deal with the actual death of their loved ones but then come the days, months and now years of continuing a life that becomes more stressful.

Every time I go to a game or concert my heart and soul are pulled on when I see numerous couples greet each other and show their support for their children or relatives. There is almost an indescribable wave of pain and longing that hits me at these things. I look around me with such jealousy that those sitting in that gym don't have to be assaulted with these invisible feelings that overtake me.

On Thursday night I am sad to say that I actually started shouting in my head, "I HATE YOU!" to the women and men I saw on the bleachers next to me. The better thing to say would have been "I hate the lives you seem to have that I don't right now" because of course I don't personally know any of them. Or maybe, "I hate what you represent and I hate the feelings that get stirred up when I see you."

Again as always, I am struck by how much it seems married folks take one another for granted. I wanted to get up and make a little speech along the lines of "How would you like to be forced back into the dating world where you're rejected on a constant basis for being and looking age 50?" Dating, now there is another fun topic for another post. Talk about being burdened and then on top of it all, rising to the occasion to take a chance on a relationship and having the courage and strength to face the potential of rejection. God it is hard and it just doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

My spirit is depleted. I am sure I look like a drained, harried, lonely, unhappy 50-year-old woman when I'm at these events.

Something that I kept thinking about was how you can really be extremely lonely even surrounded by a large group of people. If a picture was taken I wouldn't look alone in that crush of people. Seeing the couples talk to one another is what really got to me on Thursday. Seeing them greet each other. I have a huge need right now to talk to someone about my job and career future and that just doesn't happen in my life. These parents can chat on the drive home or over dinner. The ability to discuss current events, receive feedback and advice, to have someone observe that you look nice or even look tired. When none of that is happening in your life, it gets harder to keep up the game. At least for me. And maybe that is why I am letting some of the anger and frustration out as I did when I yelled inwardly at the opposing team's parents.

I'm not pleased with myself that I am releasing tension in this way. It is not the way I want to relate to the world. Shouting negatively (even within my head) will only result in negativity coming back to me in some way.

I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of having someone close to me, in which to share my life. Maybe if I had a family member to relate with this need would not be so apparent and necessary right now. But there is such a huge void that comes with sitting in the bleachers with no one to turn to to share the small moment of pleasure that comes with your son scoring a goal. On its own the event itself is not the issue - it is the build-up of many of these events and the lack of someone in my life who is interested and cares about them. And I could say that yes, I have a few friends who do care about me. But there is a need to share day-to-day life and occurrences. Well again, maybe not a necessary need but it sure is nice and makes life a lot more valuable and worth living.

After the game, back at home, my son told me his coach has informed him that he will be one of the two captains on next year's team. My heart swells with pride, yet at the same time I feel the tears because I'd like to be able to share that with someone who would take it seriously. One way of describing how I feel is that it is like that saying, "All dressed up with no where to go." I feel all this stuff both good and bad and it just sits inside me or churns around endlessly. Until finally there isn't any release but the toxic one of me blowing off steam in the form of glaring at people I don't even know and then thinking mean thoughts about them. I am also beginning to fear that I have lost some of my verbal communication skills - I have become a less effective communicator since I've been widowed. How's that for another price to pay for this shitty situation?

This is why I continue to feel I am becoming that dreaded bitter and angry widow I hoped I wouldn't become. But I see myself headed that way and despite my awareness of it I just don't seem to care much right now or have the strength/energy to fight it off.

Closing For Business

I have been doing a lot of contemplation and reflection on stopping this blog. This is due in part to my self-study about The Law of Attraction. I just can't seem to climb out of the pit of my negativity these days. And being positive and optimistic is key to the theory. I am worried that this blog transmits too much negativity out into the world and that is not something I want to be doing.

Basically, after a great deal of introspection, from a combination of grief therapy, self-work, reading and blogging, I have come to the earth-shattering conclusion that widowhood sucks. Which I actually find rather amusing in a way, because when I first started this blog, I wanted the title to be "Widowhood Sucks!" But I decided on the current one because I thought it was too negative and I wanted one more descriptive. So in the end, coming around full circle, all I've gotten from all of this work is the knowledge that I had when I started - that widowhood sucks big time!

My continuing to post about the issues in my life will just be variations on what I've already posted - the loneliness, heartache, physical, mental and emotional fatigue of this experience. I'm not sure that is amounting to good anymore, either for myself or others.

I am thinking about some ideas of where to go from here. Maybe I'll focus more on my experience of having to make a financial comeback in my life. Or the search for love. I am also trying to decide if I should give myself a month to be as miserable as I want to be - totally down and out. Or if I have to force myself to get on the bandwagon of positive thinking and hope. Or maybe I allow myself the misery followed by the hope.

Anyway, closing this down won't happen today or tomorrow because I still have some posts I want to relate about widowhood.

I'm letting the Universe help guide and direct me on this. The other day after I got my taxes filed I went into a local book store down the street from H & R Block. I wanted to check out a book that had been recommended to me. On the way in, one of the sale/last chance books caught my eye. It was a birthday/horoscope book and I flipped to the page with my birth date.

The description informed me that my life's challenge is to overcome my negativity. That my goal in life is to bring good to the world but that I can't do that by focusing on negativity. Now I know that I am a naturally pessimistic person - I've been so even as a little girl. But I found these words a personal message to me. They did serve as a sign since they were so in line what I have been thinking and worrying about.

Positivity vs. Grief - Can the two Co-exist?

It seems everything I read or hear these days is connected to the positive thinking movement. Interestingly enough, even books I've had for years mention it before The Law of Attraction band wagon took off.

Yesterday, I read that neuroscience is discovering actual proof that we can permanently change our brains through a positive mindset. Scientists are able to actually see and measure the emotional regions of our brains that process joy, happiness and love, as well as depression, mourning, anxiety, OCD, etc. Apparently, even pessimists like me can be taught to become more optimistic.

This is all pretty amazing with the main point being that our emotions and feeling do get transmitted out into the world and we do have some control over what we project. Because what we send out, comes back to us. I like the example of a bummed out, dejected person with shoulders slumped, downcast eyes and scowling smile. Obviously, anyone encountering that person will react accordingly and probably not very favorably. Likewise, someone with a genuine smile and upbeat demeanor will fare better. This person might receive better customer service at a store, have someone give them a break or bend the rules, and so on throughout the day. These experiences will build on themselves - the better they are and the more of them will increase the likelihood of upbeat person staying in a good mood. Dejected person will probably stay down and out because their experiences will be downers.

I am intrigued by all of this and I have made a valiant effort to try and remain as positive as I can through these trying times. Keeping a gratitude list is usually one of the first strategies suggested. Surrounding yourself with happy, fun, optimistic people is another. Trying to fit in as many activities that bring you joy into your life as possible is another suggestion. So I do try and do all these things in an effort to attract more positives back into my life. The jury is still out on how successful this has been.

What concerns me about the logic of this theory and the books that are out there promoting it, is that there doesn't seem to be any comprehension or acknowledgment toward those people who really may be suffering seriously from grief/loss, depression, addiction, life changes such as poverty, etc. These books and even the theory seem to fit best for those people who are leading pretty ordinary, manageable lives. One book made a brief passing comment on this by admitting that yes, no one can be upbeat and super positive 24/7 and that when times are tough they have to be acknowledged. The goal then becomes how to walk through and face the challenges, as well as to try and learn from them.

I think there needs to be a book written for those of us out here dealing with many life complications that realistically paint a complicated and negative picture. "The Law of the Attraction for Those Grieving, Suffering and Dealing with Major Loss" might be one for starters. I guess what bothers me the most is the wiping the slate clean type of attitude I get from these books and the theory itself - that we can't and shouldn't be negative EVER. That grieving and worrying are bad because they transmit toxic, negative energy that will return to us threefold! This is just at such odds with my beliefs about counseling that center on staying with your emotions whatever they are and working through them. There has to be a balance between positive and negative emotions. If we as human beings have the capacity to feel pain, grief and sorrow how can they just be wiped away? Do the proponents of The Law of Attraction believe that those of us deeply grieving have to just shut those emotions off? Or do they believe that we should not grieve as deep or much? Maybe it is impossible to follow this theory period while someone is immersed in deep sorrow or anxiety. I don't know - I really wish I could call Wayne Deyer up and ask him some of these perplexing and vexing questions.

In the meantime, I guess I'll try my best to continue to be grateful, remain positive and upbeat when I can and do my best to smile and keep my shoulders up when out and about in public.

I Am Grateful:

1. That the birds are back - I heard birds singing again for the first time yesterday!
2. That no severe winter-type weather is predicted from here on in - yeah!
3. That all of us have had decent clothes and outerwear to get through the winter months.
4. That no one got the flu this winter - thank you Universe!
5. For the cheery songs of the birds.

Bottom of the Barrel

If I have learned anything about grief and loss it is that life can be out of our control at times. Yes, we can control some things - but not everything, no matter how much we try or want the outcome to be. Life doesn't always flow according to our plans or desires. We remarry and have faith again in the future. But all the faith and love in our heart amounts to nothing when our partner refuses to consider reconciling and proceeds ahead with a divorce. We hope to meet a partner healthy enough to love and share our life with. We find one but the relationship takes a turn because of a blasted Recession and the need to move to relocate for employment. So in the end, all we are able to control is our reaction to these events - we can't change how someone feels about us - we can't hope and wish that someone hasn't been forced to move for employment. As much as we love and need someone, when they are dying we can't save them.

I am not a person who gets on well on my own. I thrive on living in a partnership and do not want to trod through the rest of my life alone. I have wanted to be remarried and will continue to want this. Of course that doesn't mean I am just going to get remarried for the sake of being married. I married Husband #2 because I truly loved him and thought it would be a successful partnership. Likewise, my decision to be with GF would have to pass the same criteria.

The thought of having to live by myself and get the boys through high school and then college on my own seems insurmountable to me right now. We are at the bottom of the barrel. I am at a place of having to start over virtually from scratch. Thoughts of eviction, not being able to pay the rent, not having enough money for food, the urgency I face in having to find work are worries and anxiety that now appear endless.

There are no perfect men out there. Husband #1 wasn't a God. We had our problems in our marriage - at one point very early on I even considered divorce. I've gone on after a devastating remarriage and divorce to meet another guy with whom I've gotten along very well. Despite numerous kinks in the road we've managed to hang in there and grow. Our relationship has demonstrated far more more tolerance and commitment than what was experienced in my second marriage. We are both starting over. Certainly not the most ideal circumstances in which to marry or move in together. But I've come to believe is there ever a good time? Who knows what is ahead for any of us. All I know is what I have right now and the picture in my head is grim.

Being able to share life including the burdens and better times is what it is all about for me. That is when I feel alive and am happy. I haven't been very "happy" since my husband's death. There have been little snippets of happiness but overall, when life is a constant grueling grind that is what you end up feeling - defeated, lonely, alone, sad, uninspired, hopeless. How can anyone keep on going with faith in their heart when that is the underlying feeling? The smiles and laughter are fleeting because the scale is unbalanced. When there is more hardship than anything else that is what permeates your feelings and ultimately influences your outlook on the present and future. The bad stuff has more power and it wins the match.

There has been too much hardship in my life of late. Maybe if my path had been different I'd feel stronger or more empowered. But right now I seem to have reached my personal limit as to what I am able to continue to handle on my own. Marriage isn't some instant cure all or easy street. I know that and accept it. But working together and having someone by your side to face life with makes a tremendous difference in the day-to-day quality of it.

What is going to be served by me continuing to suffer so? Is my health and sanity less important than my oldest continuing to play volley ball the next two years?

Is it better to admit defeat graciously and take the option/solution offered even though it isn't ideal? Or is it better to keep struggling to try and ensure a status quo for your kids when doing so appears impossible at the moment? What if I just can't do this anymore? Does that make me a bad mother, a bad person?

To have to balance emotional and social needs against the ones that are ultimately most important and basic - a roof over one's home and food on the table. I cannot currently provide dental care for my children; I am pretty sure I will need to cancel the health insurance at the end of this month; it will be the second Christmas in a row that I am unable to afford gifts for the boys; there isn't enough money left over from the pension for food - whatever I am able to buy comes from the hours I work at the big box store that are not constant or reliable.

I have to think of all the outcomes and potential realities. What if one of the cars or both break down? How will I afford the repairs? What if we cannot pay the rent? Where will we go and what will we do? Would that experience be better for my sons than having to move and at least have a home, medical/dental care and enough food and clothing? Forget the Christmas gifts - I just want to have the mere basics here - all that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs stuff. You can't live without the basics of food, water, feeling protected and shelter. Take it from one who knows and has been there - all of your focus is on surviving and there is nothing left for living and joy. I know in my heart that this isn't the way - we are meant to experience joy and happiness too. Hopefully our lives balance between the hardships and joys.

What does my poor, sad story mean or amount to anyway? The world goes on without stopping or seeing. I am just an insignificant blip on the bigger screen. Today people will be more focused on Oprah's announcement concerning the last airing of her talk show than the fate of our little trio. Our plight is invisible and even if it were more apparent, I'm not sure it would matter. When you are alone like this is is up to you to take the reigns and find the way. It is only you - even when you have reached your personal limit and can't go on any longer.

So, after all these random thoughts, reflections and musings what have I really wanted to say from all this - what is brimming from my heart? It is this - the utter pain at not being able to adequately provide for my children is slowly killing me. There is no greater pain that anyone can feel. You could add up all the grief and loss I have experienced from the death of my husband, then the divorce, followed by losing my house and it would not come close to the depths of pain I am now feeling. And secondly, it has not been the grief from death or divorce that has crushed me. It has been having to face and live life on my own. Some of us do not have the personalities or stamina to do this well.

Reality Check

GF jokingly told me today to take a break from blogging since life is pretty hectic. Then he added that my posts have been pretty depressing lately and maybe I should try being a bit more positive. He was half serious and wasn't being mean - I got a huge laugh out of it. But hello, this is a grief blog. I would hope those checking in know that from the get go and aren't expecting cheeriness, right?

I think the whole point of blogging is to be real and honest. And for some of us, this place we have created is one of the few where we can let it all hang out without feeling guilty or having to pretend something that isn't.

Yes, I am sad right now. The prospect of moving while offering a new beginning is still a huge loss for my sons and I. We have already been through the wringer in having to navigate unexpected change. Staying in a familiar and well-loved environment has been the one constant we have been able to hang onto over the past years.

Moving for me would mean that I would finally have to admit that my life didn't turn out as planned. Never in a million years when I married 18 years ago, did I ever have the thought that 12 years into my marriage, I would be a widow at age 44 with two school-aged children. Somehow keeping the boys here in this community has been a way of making some of the life I thought I'd live still be a reality. Maybe that has all been an exercise in futility?

Today I am grateful for:

1. Tater tots - what a creative idea!
2. Those mini pizza egg roll things my sons like and I also used to love as a kid. Another great idea.
3. The Burger King Angry Whopper. While I don't eat beef or burgers, I still give credit for a unique marketing idea.
4. Ice cream sandwiches. Another cool product!
5. That old standby of grilled cheese and tomato soup. As long as you have bread, cheese and a can of soup in the pantry, there will always be a guaranteed decent lunch or dinner!

Widows with Capes (Superwomen)

I didn't post last night because the computer was needed for homework and by the time it was free I was just too beat. Going back to school for this short certificate program has given me a reality check as to what it will be like to return to the work force full-time. Honestly, I don't know how only parents do it. Even with my boys being older there are logistical problems to navigate. My oldest has a volley ball tournament some distance away on Sat. I have to attend a mandatory all- staff meeting at the big box store from 7-9 a.m. to review the holiday selling strategy. I attended one of these for the bridal selling period and then for college and back-to-school shopping and found them pointless. A lot of rah rah stuff and help the customer blah blah blah but as a cashier I pretty much just ring up whatever the customers bring me. I resent having to attend these meetings at such hours because I have to return to work my shift in the evening. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to get my son to the tournament that starts in the afternoon. And how he'll get home since we're not sure when his team will end playing. Then I have to worry about the youngest running around. I would feel so much better to have an adult at home or near home in case of an emergency or just to be there for a sense of security.

I am anticipating taking the boys to see GF and the town and school leaving tomorrow night and returning Fri. There won't be any other time to do so since I work Sat., have clinical Sun. and need to be at school next week for the final exam review. And if I miss a class I need to go to the night class to make it up - much better to just go as scheduled. But in any case, here is where the superwoman expectations come in. Lets say I decided to move right away and get married and enroll the boys in the new school. They would need to ideally start the new school's next term on Nov. 30th. In the meantime, I'd need to get a moving estimate, pack up the apt. which has never been fully unpacked, keep studying for the final, complete the clinical hours, finish consoliating two of the storage shed units, work at the big box store unless I just quit without any notice, deal with teen boys who don't want to move, keep making dinner and parenting... YIKES!

I hate to be a complainer or always negative but all of this is for me right now an awful lot to handle and accomplish. I think for so many only parents, widows and widowers that we are often thrust into having to handle too much for our plates to hold because of the untimely deaths of our spouses. It is hard - it is grueling - it is frustrating - it is depleting - it is depressing. I know I've posted on this topic before pointing out that in addition to having to do too much physically, there is the emotional component of coping without a spouse's support and handling all of this on less rest than others because we are still dealing with the ONGOING physical depletion of grieving and loss.

GF mentioned to me last night that he has to deal with "problems" too. His son got a 99% on his multiplication test but a 0% on his division test. I wish that was the extent of what I had to worry about right now!

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful red and gold leaves still on some of the trees that I saw today.
2. For the warm temperature.
3. For the sun and lack of rain.
4. Animal crackers.
5. A full gas tank even though it cost $46.00 to fill (usually I only put in $20.00 at a time).

Getting off the Couch

The past few weeks I have been in a pretty low spot - despondent, unmotivated, overwhelmed. I was able to ride on the high needed to get through the sale of the house and my move but then I just kind of crashed. It became too much of an effort to shop and then cook for dinners, so we had more fast food meals than is healthy. Some days, when I was off from work, I just sat in the apartment rather than unpack or work at the storage shed. Other days, I went back to bed after the boys went to school and stayed there all morning. I could get through the bare minimum of what needed to be done and that is about all. The past month has reminded me a lot of those early weeks and months after my husband first died. I'd be exhausted and go to bed early but be unable to sleep. So I would read and end up falling to sleep fitfully with all the lights on and my face unwashed and teeth unbrushed. I'd awaken at 3:00 a.m. and just lie there, unable to even roll over and turn off the light. I've had numerous nights like that over the past month.

I guess there is truth to the fact that new losses reactivate old losses. There has been tremendous anguish over having to move from our home and I have found myself still struggling with feelings of pain from the divorce. In a way my emotional upset has immobilized me. I am grieving the loss of my home, the end of my marriage, the end of the life I had with my first husband which was symbolized by our home.

I am aware of all of this - kind of like a person standing outside of myself and observing. I've been doing some reading on optimism vs. negativity and hope. I want to try and move past this and feel less broken. Part of it is up to me. I am motivated to prepare healthier meals for us (especially since Swine Flu is running rampant here). It will take some effort but I am game. Some of the shift is due to my accepting my situation with greater grace. I am feeling less of a failure for having had to move. I continue to hear stories of many people from all walks of life struggling right now, having to downsize or losing their homes. I've done the best I can as a mom who has dealt with the death of a spouse, being divorced by another and then having the Recession hit all within a five-year period. Believe me, since my husband's death we have been struggling to make ends meet - I wasn't out buying clothes or cars or going on vacations. I was just a middle-class, middle-aged mom doing the best I could to survive and raise my sons on my own.

So with that acceptance has come some peace. And the depression has lifted. And I am making an effort to be more positive and hopeful. And I am starting to do more. And even though there isn't enough time in the day, I am doing as much as I can with the time I have and that is about the best anyone can do.

Today I am grateful:

1. For pumpkins.
2. For my job - it saved me from staying in bed all day on some days.
3. For picnic baskets (what made me think of this I don't know but they're pretty cool even though summer had ended).
4. For the scarf look everyone is wearing these days - the long, skinny scarves wrapped a couple of times around your neck.
5. For the smell of Noxema skin cream/cleanser.

Basic Needs & Survival

One of the basic principles from Psych. 101 usually includes Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. His theory in brief is that humans require certain needs met to grow, develop and evolve into their full potentials. The first basic tier of his pyramid includes physical needs such as safety, food, shelter, stability, protection (HEALTH INSURANCE), etc. If those basic needs aren't met a person can't move up to the next level of emotional needs. Those needs include our desire for love, connection, appreciation, community, etc. Until those needs are likewise met it is not possible for a person to achieve fulfillment with the next levels which include doing productive work, enjoying life, finding value in the balance of work and play. BOTTOM LINE - without feeling safe and secure it is pretty hard to enjoy life, find meaning in it or be able to work productively. This is because you are so consumed with survival - nothing is left over for the rest, including love.

I am thinking this as I contemplate the future of my life. I certainly am currently caught up in survival mode and I feel like I am sinking without someone next to me giving me a hand. I have tried to remain cheerful, optimistic and hopeful as I struggle with providing for my family. And I'm just not making it. I don't get enough hours at the big box store so I am starting a short-term program to become a Certified Nursing Assistant. But until I can get a new job there is not enough money to afford health/life/car insurance, pay the rent, bills, gas, clothes and still have enough for food. I'm not making it, cutting it, or surviving. And maybe according to Maslow's theory it is impossible for me to even think or consider such basic desires as happiness, joy and love while I'm struggling.

In the meantime I am stressed beyond the point of breaking. I am not as accessible to my sons because of it, as well as my depression, anxiety and worry. There is limited support to rely on and I am being crushed under the weight of this load I keep carrying by myself. We all deserve better. I'm not asking for a lot. Just the constant burden of worrying about our basic needs to be alleviated a bit. Then to feel a little bit of happiness and joy. To be able to watch a movie or video. To cook a meal with fresh meat and produce. To not wake up in dread and go to bed with that knot in my stomach. To feel a bit of hope and sanity.

Closing Update

The house sale and closing was not completed this morning because a problem came up with the title commitment and land survey. Apparently, 35 years ago, the garage was possibly built illegally. The title company ended up giving the buyer an endorsement (at risk to them and an additional cost of $250.00 to me) but now the county dept. is looking for evidence of the building permit. The buyer is concerned that if something happens to the garage, it will not be covered by replacement insurance. Please say a prayer for me that evidence of a building permit turns up. I am trying to remain positive and optimistic and not think of the what ifs but it is hard. I had to cancel the movers for tomorrow. I need to try and distract myself. It is easy for my guyfriend to just say to go on as if everything will work out but I suppose that is a better alternative to thinking of the gloom and doom. I have never been an optimistic person (the glass is always half empty). Not an easy task for me to keep my spirits and hope up in situations like this.

Today I am grateful:

1. For Twizzlers.
2. For computer Solitaire, which is a great distraction.
3. For the support of my guyfriend who attended the closing with me.
4. For the support of my girlfriend - she has been a lifesaver.
5. For the support of my therapist who is kind enough to provide support over the phone and has worked out payment arrangements because money has been so tight.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I got to thinking about this topic after reading the post of a widow who has an advice type blog, which I read. She has a tough love, Dr. Phil kind of attitude in regard to widows feeling sorry for themselves. Although I try to get through my days in as positive frame as possible, there are moments that I do allow myself to feel tragically sorry for myself. And what of it? Why is it such a big deal for widows to have periods of being down about their situations?

I remember my second husband getting terribly annoyed with me for griping about the hardships of my life. Then, my therapist kindly pointed out that I was merely describing my day, which I had a right to do. It just so happened that my days were filled with a lot of hardship. Merely relating them to him was not actually griping, which he took it to be. But anyway, say I had been doing so - why is that looked upon so negatively by the general population? Why are widows supposed to be able to constantly rise above their situations and present themselves to the world as stalwart survivors?

Some days it would be nice to put aside the strength and smiles and show my true self to the world. I'd skip the shower, throw on rumpled clothing and present a grim and glum demeanor. That is sometimes how I feel inside even when there is a smile on my face.

I guess I just don't understand why the widowed can't be allowed the indulgence of some occasional self-pity. The world hasn't been lining up at my door offering much compassion or understanding. And it seems to me from the blogs I read here, that those widowed are doing their best to get through their days. Some days may be better than others but all are trying to live bravely on.

What is so bad about self-pity anyway? I haven't come across anyone whom seems mired in it. Why would people be against the widowed providing themselves a little empathy? "Poor me." I am poor right now in spirit and wealth. Why should I pretend otherwise? Yes, I am grateful for what I have but I also have a right to be despondent over what I don't.

I'm raising this topic because I have found on my widowhood journey that the world hasn't provided much sympathy and I have been criticized for "not getting over it sooner" and complaining too much about my life as a widow, etc. It is actually one of the reasons I wanted to start blogging - so I could have more contact with others in my situation.

It is interesting that the woman whose blog started my thoughts about this ended one of her posts by stating that so many of us widows seem to need outside validation for what we are feeling. I agree with her on this that I have felt that way. I have needed and wanted to connect with other widows to know that my feelings haven't been out in left field or that I've been unreasonable/crazy. But she makes the point that none of us should need this validation. Our feelings are what they are and we should not dismiss them or not hold them to be true unless someone else agrees with them.

So on that note, I am going to take her line of reasoning (whether it ends up being contradictory or not) and say to myself that self-pity is okay. It is where I am. I have a right to feel it. And to even wallow in it! When I compare what other women fret and moan about (chipped manicures, not being able to match up curtains exactly to the furniture slipcovers) I think I'm way entitled.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the rainy weather today. I love the rain as much as the sun. I think the rain slows us all down a bit and that is needed in our lives once in awhile.
2. For the cooler temperature.
3. For Brown-Eyed Susan flowers.
4. For the fall mums being planted at places of business and even at the high school. They brighten my day even in the rain.
5. For having enough gas in the tank to get to work and back today (I hope - payday isn't til tomorrow).

Eroded Foundation

I am working on packing up the house and keep reflecting on how the beliefs I once held so strongly were just illusions.

- I believed that when you marry and take the wedding vows, that it does mean forever. I stood by my husband's side during his three-year battle with cancer. Never would I have even considered for a moment leaving him because of "hard times." Yet that is exactly what my second husband did. And he made the decision to divorce me without even discussing it or saying goodbye to either me or the boys. So much for that speech he gave during our wedding about being a real "Father" to "Our" sons, as he referred to them.

- I believed that family stands by you (emotionally) through thick and thin. That if you are ever in need of a warm embrace, place to stay, forgiveness, support or hot meal that your family will not turn its back and pretend/ignore that your life is not falling apart.

- I believed that if you are a good, kind, caring, decent person then good things will come your way, not "excessive" hardship and challenge. All of us have to face difficulties, but it just seems that it gets worse and worse for me. My husband dying was enough. I don't want to bear any more grief and loss.

- I believed that a strong, college education could always be relied on to support oneself - there would always be decent jobs if you have a master's degree. But try looking for a job when you haven't done so for 10 years, you can't seem to get the hang of applying for jobs online, you have been a full-time "only" parent the past five years, you've lost touch with your professional contacts, you're not up to speed in your field professionally and THERE IS A RECESSION GOING ON so the only jobs you've been offered are for part-time hours without benefits.

- I believed that in middle-age, I would be financially stable and secure not on the brink of bankruptcy and contemplating taking a certificate program of some sort to obtain relevant job skills in today's economy/market.

- I believed that having grown up in a middle-class childhood home that I would never face foreclosure or having to live in an apartment at the age of 50.

- I believed that I would not have to start over from the bottom, 25 years after graduating from college, in worse shape financially, emotionally and physically.

20 years ago, I would never have believed that my first husband would die leaving me a middle-aged widow with two school-aged sons to raise on my own. Nor when I remarried three years ago, would I ever have believed the tragic and agonizing outcome of this marriage. This whole period of my life seems surreal, like a nightmare. I almost feel like I am being sucked down a whiling drain in a bathroom sink. I can almost feel the physical sensations of going down that drain opening. Or I can also picture it as being eaten alive by a prehistoric monster of some sort. Or being sucked into the undertow of the ocean. Or how about the analogy of waking up one day to a world that you're unfamiliar with. All of what you've believed and held to be true no longer exists. The foundation of your soul is shaken. You don't know what to expect anymore. The rules changed without your knowledge. Suddenly you've lost your footing, fallen and you honestly don't know how to get sense of security and safety back.

After this rather dramatic and unappealing ending here I have to go now into my list of what I'm grateful for. Today I hardly feel like compiling my list. And it seems so abrupt to go from negative to positive but I've been making an effort to keep this list up so won't stop now.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the drops of rain I saw shimmering on the bushes in front of my picture window this morning.
2. For the cooler autumn like weather we are having again.
3. For my hanging baskets of flowers in the front lawn. They are full, lush and colorful.
4. For the fact that I have possessions to move into a new residence - some people lose everything in natural disasters.
5. For knitting, which provides me with such a creative and comforting outlet.

Choosing to be positive

It has been a bit of a tough time the last couple of weeks with getting readjusted to the boys being out of school for the summer. I have also been fighting with feelings of general sadness and some hopelessness. Getting the house cleaned up and cleared out is a daunting task to handle on my own and it also depresses me. I'm doing the best I can - getting up and going to work when I'm scheduled to; feeding the boys; taking care of the little day-to-day duties.

I started clearing out the study yesterday and spent the day going through and recycling old paperwork. Toward the end of the day, I came across a crinkled piece of paper that I'd torn out of a woman's magazine. I was about to recycle it when some words caught my eye from an article about cultivating inner joy. One of the suggestions was to focus on the positive in all situations - not because life is always rosy posy. But by embracing life positively and cheerfully, we can make our lives better.

I reflected on this because I'd recently read some articles about choosing to be happy and that being positive and optimistic is a choice we can all make to improve our lives. I have to take some of this advice with a grain of salt. When someone is deeply grieving, such simplistic suggestions are not suitable. The prevalent upbeat spirit in the self-help books I have been recently reading is beginning to annoy me. There is a time and place for appropriate grieving, such as when a marriage has ended and you're in foreclosure. I think that I am entitled to feel sad at my losses right now. Yet according to these self-help gurus, by focusing on my grief (which puts forth low-level energy vibrations), I am actually attracting back negative things into my life!

Yet at the same time I understand the logic about choosing to see the good in a situation and putting your best foot forward and all that. I guess as in all things it is a balance. A balance between setting time aside for deeply grieving and then choosing to move forward with a more optimistic mindset.

Today I am grateful:

1. For having the strength to face what needs to be done with the house although it is dreary and hard work.
2. For the small surprises I find along the way in cleaning, such as a self-portrait my son drew of himself that made me laugh out loud it was so realistic!
3. That the weather has continued to be cool enough to not have to wear shorts because I haven't had time yet to organize my summer clothing!
4. For the great cheap dinner we had last night - fried bologna, coleslaw, potato salad and corn bread.
5. For the good advice I got from that torn out article which was when you're feeling envious, say to yourself, "Right now I have enough." Aren't those great words?

Hitting Bottom (Again)

Woke up this a.m. to see an odd site in the front lawn - we were "forked" with dozens of white, plastic forks stuck into the newly mowed grass! I figured it was some kids who know the boys. I love that they are popular but it can be a double-edged sword. We've gotten t.p.ed by girls trying to get the attention of my youngest; egged by some boys jealous of my oldest. Then tonight, my oldest called me while I was still at work around 10:30. He was very unsettled and reported that someone had dumped ketchup on the driveway and thrown oatmeal on the car. I know it is still probably kids who know the boys but it is bothersome. The pranksters who did the forking did so right outside my open window last night and I did not hear a thing.

I guess where this is all leading tonight is that I am simply tired of living on my own as an only mom. I want a male presence around to help make me feel safer and secure. I've just worked eight hours and it is late. Now I have to come home and face such silliness. I don't have the energy or good humor anymore to deal with this kind of stuff. I wish I could laugh it off and make light of it. But at this time there are too many other problems to face and this kind of thing really puts me over the edge.

Oh, and to top it all off, in the mail was a rejection letter denying the boys state medical insurance coverage. And darn it that Monday is a holiday because now I'll have to worry about all this another day before getting some kind of answer. In the past five years the absolutely worst feeling I have had has been when I have not been able to provide for my boys adequately. To be facing no insurance right now is extremely upsetting to me. I have no choice but to look for another job that will enable me to have coverage. I am scheduled to work only 19.5 hours next week, way below the 35 I was originally promised.

I have really hit another low point and slump. It is hard for me to feel hopeful and many of my thoughts are focused on how I should have moved out of state sooner with my second husband instead of choosing to delay the move to care for my dying Mom. But of course I didn't have a crystal ball to see into the future. Never in a million years when I first got married and had the boys would I have believed this would have been my destiny. Nor would I have believed that after remarrying, my second husband would dump us and leave us in financial and emotional tatters.

Today I am taking a break from my grateful/thankful list on purpose. I am tired and have to go back to work again tomorrow morning. I hope I can sleep some of this sadness off. I wish my life was not such a struggle and hardship right now. I keep thinking I've hit my bottom but then I hit an even lower point so I guess I'm still not there yet. But I'm not sure there is any lower point to go from here - we're pretty darn low!

My friend says that I cannot dwell on the past and what might have been because it is over and no longer an option. He says I have to focus on the future. Easier said than done.

Think, feel and act kindly

I think I am beginning to understand why having negative thoughts is so upsetting to me. My grief counselor told me to stick with the feelings and by doing so I am unlocking the door.

1. Having negative feelings is not the answer - we don't gain anything from dwelling on them and I end up feeling much worse in the end - even more down and then I am upset with myself for even having them in the first place. I think there is a part of me (deep inside) that gets this and that is why my inability to curb my jealousy, anger, self-pity and vengeful thoughts is so conflicting. Because on the other hand I get my counselor's view that we should not stifle our feelings but hear them out. I have just reached the point now where I know that is not the direction to take to achieve the life of love that I want to experience.

2. I think the problem is that we have all grown up hearing how to "Love our neighbor," "Turn the other cheek" and "Forgive and forget" but that is where that advice ends. How do you actually forgive someone who greatly harmed you or your children? We're told what to do but not the steps to take to accomplish the forgiveness. And I can say from experience that someone just can't wake up one morning with love in their hearts for someone who has betrayed them. Even though I am understanding that my negativity isn't the way to accomplish the peace I am seeking, I am somewhat uncertain how to replace the negative, hateful emotions with positive, loving ones. So that is the next step on my journey - figuring out how to put being more loving into practice every day!

I was reading Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's book "The Power of Intention" before I went to sleep last night and the following passage on page 44 resonated with me about negativity.

"Low energy thoughts that weaken us fall in the realm of shame, anger, hatred, judgment, and fear. Each of these inner thoughts weakens us and inhibits us from attracting into our lives what we desire. If we become what we think about, and what we think about is what's wrong with the world and how angry and ashamed and fearful we are, it stands to reason that we'll act on those unkind thoughts and become what we're thinking about. When you think, feel, and act kindly, you give yourself the opportunity to be like the power of intention. When you're thinking and acting otherwise, you've left the field of intention, and you've assured yourself of feeling cheated by the all-creative Spirit of intent."

Today I am grateful:

1. That the recent difficult aspects of my life (divorce, financial strain, potential foreclosure) haven't dragged me down yet!
2. That I want to use those events to empower me and become a better person for the Universe.
3. That I continue to be reminded of the gift I was given when my husband died - Knowing that "Love is the answer."