Advice

Advice. It bothers me a lot that the well-intentioned sometimes tell us that we "need to move on," "become more positive," or "handle and cope with our lives better than we are doing." It is very easy to cast a critical eye on someone else because you think you would or they should be doing something else. Most times, a concern is expressed and that is that. We've been told that we're lacking in some way and now we need to change. Oh, if it were just that simple. How do we accomplish it? May I suggest that if we're going to advise people that they need to think or do differently, that at least we can offer some suggestions.

So, in that spirit, here are some of my observations. I have been noticing that I can seemingly cope better, physically and emotionally, when I am active and exercising, even a little. Getting up to face the day and not staying in bed or in my pajamas, also helps. Having a goal list of tasks to accomplish during the day provides structure and takes my mind off dwelling on the negative. Getting some fresh air, even in this brutal cold is life-affirming. Reaching out to someone else, even simply to send an email, also takes the focus off self. Choosing to read uplifting or positive books vs. dreary, depressing ones can make a huge difference. Taking the time to do anything, however small just for me because it makes me happy; e.g., baking some banana bread is well worth it. So is socializing or being with people, even if that means simply mingling in with the crowd at the grocery store.

These observations come from the past few years having been in and out of depression as the result of active grieving. I won't kid myself that there might be days in the future where I stay in my p.j.s or can only manage to eat BLT sandwiches. It's a given. I am prone to depression and life is challenging. Two loaded bullets waiting to be fired off. I'm not going to tell myself that I can never go into that cave again - that would be fooling myself. In fact, there are times when that is where we need to be. But my list of helpful hints is for when I need to start climbing out of that deep, dark cave of despair and rejoin the land of the living again.

This last bout of depression in December was a tough one. Looking back, I can see how my inactivity and despair kept feeding on itself. It was hard to break the cycle. I was distraught about losing the house, having to move the boys, not being able to afford a Christmas, and experiencing financial hardship. It was a lot on my plate. I had to grieve it all first. That part could not be skipped.

But at the same time, I can see how dwelling on the hardship perpetuates the anguish and keeps me down in the cave. At some point, I reach a place where I realize it is time to come back up. And using my arsenal of past experience as to what has assisted me caused me to come up with these actions. I am going to focus on them now because they have worked in the past.

1. Greet the day with the intent of facing and living it fully.
2. Just get up out of bed.
3. Take shower, put on makeup, dress in decent clothes.
4. Get some fresh air.
5. Try to exercise a little.
6. Reach out to someone in a small way.
7. Write up a to-do or goal list and focus on accomplishing the tasks.
8. Read something uplifting or watch a humorous movie or t.v. show.
9. Do something fun or meaningful.
10. Socialize.
11. Be kind to myself.

And when all else fails, JUST DO ANYTHING, SOMETHING, JUST GET MOVING! Throw in a load of laundry, wash the dishes, clean out a drawer. Focusing on something usually leads to another productive activity. There seems to be something to the Law of Attraction of positive energy increasing and building upon what precedes it.

I should add that I made a concerted effort in the past to focus on positives and list five daily items per post in that regard. That effort petered out this fall when we sold the house, moved and life became pretty frantic with Sam moving and me taking the Nursing Asst. class. Did reflecting on the positives help overall? I'm not sure, I just notice that since I haven't been listing them that I have been in a state of pretty consistent low-level energy, mood and hope. So I will attempt to reactivate my Grateful List now and we'll see what comes of it. It can't hurt.

Today I am grateful for :

1. Postal carriers.
2. The U.S. Post Office.
3. The red, rosy glow of winter sunsets.
4. Being able to pay bills online or over the phone.
5. Weather forecasts, which allow us to know when winter snow is on its way.

Fresh Air and Exercise

I am taking a break after six hours of physical labor at the storage shed. I am beat! I am almost finished moving the contents of one garage-sized space into the other. I should go back again tonight but it is dark and I am tired. It was good to be out in the fresh air exercising. Note: I should probably be doing more of it because of the mood lifting effect. But it was also a bit depressing. Just to see the entire contents of your home/life condensed within a storage/garage space. What would really be ideal would be to have the time to dig and go through everything, donate and toss as much as possible and hopefully move into a smaller space. A plan of action for the new year ahead.

When I got in with a $5.99 pizza for dinner, the boys immediately pounced on me because throughout the day the teachers at the new school had been texting them - they each got five text messages on their phones with the teachers welcoming them to their classes and saying how much they looked forward to meeting them. I sent the enrollment paperwork in mid-week because it was needed for the counselor to make up class schedules. If we end up not going, no harm done but because both schools are off the entire week of Thanksgiving I had to send it in when I did.

I'm pretty darn impressed with the reception being given to the boys. As much as I love the current high school they are at, I don't believe the teachers there would be sending text messages of welcome to new students. And our personal tour of the school was amazing! They really went out of their way to be nice to the boys. I was impressed because the school really did feel like a close knit community - I felt it while I was there. There could be worse places for the boys to be going.

I told the boys I would like to move and that money is so tight I'm worried about being able to feed them next month. My youngest told me he would go and eat at houses of his friends. My oldest said he would be willing to move after this school year. I had to tell him that I don't have the money to pay for his club volley ball payment of $450.00 due at the end of the month. Then I heard about my oldest's girlfriend and how he doesn't want to leave her. I promised to bring him back as many weekends as possible since I'll still have the storage sheds to contend with. I asked the boys to consider "trying out" the new school and going on the 30th and seeing how it is.

I am so grateful that Jude Miller commented and said the move will most likely be positive for the boys, they just don't have the ability to see it. She also mentioned that teens are usually selfish and self-serving. They are not able to see the entire picture for what it really is - that is why I still have the ability to make the final decision in all of this.

The youngest continues to be very sullen, surly and rude. He accused me of lying to him and not looking out/caring for him. I just said that my total focus has been on the boys since their Dad's death. Finally, my oldest told his brother to shut up because he was being so obnoxious. Both have now gone out for the night with the youngest telling me that it was stupid for the new track coach to text him because he will refuse to do anything at the new school if we move...

Now I am going to sit down with a book and some Cherry Almond Fudge ice cream. I picked up a carton ($2.50 on sale) for the boys. Then I added another. But I went back and got a third choosing this flavor for me. I never get cherry flavored anything because my oldest doesn't care for it. But now I am glad for this small splurge - the boys can have their Oreo and Rocky Road.

I will sleep well tonight - the whole night through without waking up. We all need to rest and sleep enough. It is essential for thinking clearly, focusing and having the strength to face whatever tomorrow brings.