Right after the Fourth of July, I posted about my upset that fall scarecrows were already out in the stores. Way too early I thought. Now I wish I'd paid a little more attention to those fall displays because the season was over in the blink of an eye. That is more upsetting to me than the early consumerism. The past few falls have had so much crappy stuff for me to deal with, I just haven't had the opportunity to fully enjoy this season. Or Christmas for that matter; or knitting; or relaxing on a Saturday with enough time to just putter about the house. No baking the past years, no parties hosted for the kids or sleepovers.
Widowhood has robbed me of the gift of spare and free time. And I do feel mad about that. What I long for are mostly free and simple things - time for a walk in the park; the ability to have lunch out by myself; reading a book for more than 15 minutes; being able to actually finish a complete magazine; not feeling so rushed and frantic all the time as I race from one location to another with the boys, run into the store for staples and hurry home to whip up a quick dinner for hungry teen boys.
The last movie I saw was Slum Dog Millionaire - and besides a couple movies on cable, nothing even rented. In fact, Slum Dog Millionaire is the only movie I have seen in years (maybe four or five). All the self-help books suggest carving out time for yourself by making dates for activities in your appointment book. And then sticking to this schedule come hell or high water. But as an only parent what you hope and plan for often isn't the reality.
So I have a different perspective about the upcoming holidays this year. I spent some time at CVS this morning before class looking at the new display of Christmas ornaments. And I am not so upset with the Walmart commercial that aired yesterday with holiday music. Maybe the only way I will be able to squeeze in that holiday spirit this year is by starting now and cramming it in whenever and wherever I can.