Security

I was at Barnes and Noble last week for a browse (can't buy anything there when there is a half-price book store down the street) and flipped through "Throw Out Fifty Things: Clear the Clutter, Find Your Life" by Gail Blanke. There was a chapter that caught my attention titled "Letting Go of Needing to Feel Secure." Really, I mused. What's so wrong with wanting to feel secure? Isn't it an almost instinctive quality within us?

Think about how some have been told to marry for security over love. Or even my parents urging me to change my college major from Music Therapy to basically anything else because they didn't think I'd find a job. Or if I did, it wouldn't pay the rent.

After losing my home, which provied me a tremenous amount of security and a sense of identity along with two husbands (ditto the security and identity) I think it would be questionable if I just threw up my hands and said, "Let life take me where it will. I'm ready for the ride!"

Somehow these losses have made me less open to the randomness of the future. I want to feel some level of security within my life be it a strong, loving relationship. solid home around me or decent job in which I feel valued and productive. I think when these things are lacking it is very difficult to feel content and "happy" in one's life. I guess I believe that there has to be a certain level of stability surrounding someone or all bets are off for personal happiness.

Maybe it is easier for people who have a decent level of structure and security already existing as a foundation to throw more caution to the wind. But I believe when your foundation has been shaken and you have lost what has been of value to you, that there is no harm in seeking what makes you feel secure. I am finding that as I continue this widowhood path, the more I seem to disagree with all the advice, like this, out there. I'm finding it all doesn't pass muster with what I have felt and experienced. As for this advice, no way am I going to give up on my search for attaining more security in my life.

Showdown in the Checkout Lane!

I think of myself as a kind person, or at least I try to be in my daily living. I let moms with little kids go ahead of me in the grocery line, along with older folks and people with fewer items. I let cars merge in tight traffic situations and move over lanes to let faster cars pass. I make an effort to be polite and acknowledge in words thanks and compliments.

Anyway, yesterday I ran into JoAnn Crafts and Fabrics to kill some time waiting for a WalMart prescription to be filled (talk about time delays). I needed a size G crochet hook and as much as I hate spending any money on anything extra right now had enough change in my purse to afford the $1.25 cost (of course, I got the cheapest one). Now on to the check out line which like WalMart is always so crowded - about 13 people waiting.

When I got to the cashier, a younger woman cut in front of me and I moved in and politely said it was my turn. The woman immediately told me to calm down which annoyed me because I was totally calm (I absolutely hate it when people tell you this and they are the ones with smoke coming out of their ears). She reluctantly let me go ahead of her but not without some heated words directed at me. It was not a pleasant experience.

As I reflected on this encounter I realized that I reason I had stuck up for my place in line was because I feel as though so much has already been taken from me - my husband, my home and so on. As silly and trivial as it seems, I didn't want to "loose" something yet again, even as small as my place in line.

But afterward, the more I thought about this the more I wished I'd just let it go. It was an ugly encounter and unnecessary. I felt bad about it even thought I wasn't to blame and it would have been far better to have just let it be as it was playing out. There is already so much strife and conflict in the world. I have the ability to take and tolerate it. I wish I had backed off and let this woman go ahead of me. There are situations worth fighting for and those worth passing by even when you're in the right. This wasn't worth it.