Goodbye 2011

Isn't this bottle of bubbly cute? So appropriate for signifying the start of a new year. The past few days I have been reflecting on this year's end and the memories that stand out the greatest are so positive.

1. #1 highlight - I heard my son's original composition performed by a small orchestra at his high school graduation! How many moms get to have that as a memory? Pretty awesome!

2. Going to American Idol auditions with both sons for a mini vacation and with my oldest trying out as a contestant. Although he didn't make it past the first set of producer auditions it was fun to see how a reality show is really scripted and the time we spent together brought us closer together as a family.

3. My oldest had a great senior year of high school and I saw him perform on Chicago television, and at the Illinois State Fair in Springfield twice. Whoo hoo!

4. My youngest got accepted into the college of his choice and is having his own bang-up senior/final year.

5. My oldest made a smooth transition into college and did outstanding his first semester!

All the struggles and hardships of the past year happened and I felt them. But I feel the magic of my son's music more strongly than the painful memories. The pictures that float around in my mind are those of my tall, handsome young men at their dances or school events. Or at their jobs being polite, respectful and responsible employees. Does that mean good outshines the bad? Or that the positive has more power than the negative stuff?

As this year ends I will hold on to these memories in my heart. Funny how the difficult days I had to scramble through to come up with money for various bills have faded. At the time they seemed to overwhelm me. But I can see now that what is most important are those memories of family and love. And that even though there may have been a fair share of trying circumstances, what stands out at the end are good, happy, strong, vibrant and joyful memories. And I experienced a good share of them too!

Optimism

I am not optimistic by nature. From the time I've been a little girl, I've tended toward the serious, gloom and doom side. I do focus on the negatives of life. Just the other day, I got the boys and I Qdoba for dinner - we had free coupons that expired that night and it was after a volleyball game, so it was late - 8:00 p.m. Of course, I ordered the small Nachos and didn't get any chips to go with them! Then for some strange reason, they've stopped sending me the Values advertising supplement that used to come every Wednesday in the mail. It is full of the store ads and coupons for fast food places which come in handy with the boys. I didn't request they stop my delivery. I talked with the postman and he told me to call the company putting out the ads. I did so but only got voice mail - left a message asking for the ads to be sent again, but after two weeks haven't gotten it yet.

Anyway, my youngest told me last week that I am the most negative person he knows. I wasn't upset, although this was while I was driving him to Build-A-Bear, a 20-mile round trip and felt he could have saved the comment for another time. I've been thinking about his statement. His interactions have been with me as an only parent, first grieving the loss of his father, then grieving my divorce and then the loss of my home. A lot of years with a lot of sadness and strain.

For a while now, I've been toying with the idea of really trying to be more positive in my life. To try and turn the negatives into positives and all that. I was going to even make this a new year resolution and give it a go for a month. But I've changed my mind. Pain, sorrow and hardship are part of the human condition. By pretending to make negatives into positives, I'm not honoring who I am or how I'm feeling. And I want to be as authentic as possible.

Here's the deal. We live in this society that doesn't want to feel any pain. We try to avoid it at all cost and put down people who can't seem to be more positive despite their problems. Well, right not life is hard in certain ways and I'm not going to gloss over that. My life is getting better but it is a slow climb from all the loss. This period of my life is just what it is. Some challenging years as an only parent following the death of my husband, loss of home and financial instability. And you know, that is okay. It can be kind of crummy right now. I don't have to make excuses for how I feel about my life or feel bad on top of all else because I can't muster up the strength to always be optimistic and cheerful 24/7.

I try not to wallow. I do my best to look for the good in everyday. But it is still okay to say that this is a tough time for me right now. That things could be better and that I wish they were. Sometimes to just be coping with the situation at hand is optimism in and of itself. And in closing, it isn't funny to come home with a bowl of uneatable Nachos and it not being worth it to drive back to the Qdoba the next town over.

Yearlong Starbucks Fast Finally Broken!

My oldest forgot his lunch again this morning so I trudged over in the darned cold and could not resist taking a photo of the other "forgotten" lunches awaiting student pickup. This was less than the load that was out on Friday! My son is a good kid. He starts his new job after school. It's the week before Christmas Break and the kids are preoccupied. I'm not going to bash him for being an 18-year-old with a lot on his plate and make him suffer the consequences by having to forage amongst his friends for something to eat. He was voted out of this year's graduating class as:
1. Best Musician (Boy am I proud of him for this!)
2. Most Flirtatious (Even though he has had the same girlfriend for two years!)
3. Biggest Spaz (Whatever that is - I guess it means forgetful!)

The winter storm that hit us brought less snow than expected but bitter chill. Minnesota and Indiana have been really pummeled. But still, the cold these last few years has been hard for me to bear. Winter brings with it a whole lot of other and extra widowhood issues for me. But let's not dwell on that right now. Life is looking up.

It was a super busy weekend with the party on Friday night, taking my son to get his senior yearbook photo taken on Saturday, attending a "Christmas store" held in the community where parents could shop for low cost gifts for their children, choosing two per child and then the holiday concert extravaganza which historically lasts ALL afternoon at the high school, since all the music groups perform. This year they split the concert into two and my son had the later concert performance time. But my girlfriend wanted to see some of her students perform in the first concert (she teaches at the school) so I agreed to go to the earlier concert with her. So I was listening to holiday music from 1:00 in the afternoon until 5:30!

Thank goodness they split the concert into two, which should have been done years ago in my opinion. There wouldn't be enough seats for older folks, people would be reading the paper for the groups their kids weren't in and there was no available parking. This year was bad enough with the stormy weather - on Sunday there were wind gusts blowing snow of 40 mph!

Overall, despite the busyness, it was a good weekend. I was thankful that the yearbook photo was over since my son was so stressed out about it. He kept having me reschedule the appt. because of his minor acne even though I assured him that his photo would be retouched. Then I was able to get stocking stuffers and two gifts for each son for under $20.00 at the "Christmas store." AND my year long Starbucks fast was finally broken! My girlfriend treated me to a venti tea and peppermint brownie after the first holiday concert and it was heavenly!

I started my "fake" part-time job at the restaurant yesterday. It pays weekly and allows me more time to be around for the boys and to look for a "real" job in my field. I'll start up the search again full force after the holidays if the social services case mgt. position I interviewed for last week isn't offered to me. With this job there will be enough for groceries at least and that is a huge blessing! And it is way less work than that awful CNA job but I am the oldest employee there (think college kids with odd degrees that can't find work) and that is a little strange for me. I feel out of my element but am trying to bite the bullet and do what has to be done. Though let me tell you, sometimes that is way easier said then done!

Well, that's a recap of the past few days. I am so grateful the boys will have a modest Christmas. It is so much better than having nothing at all. Everyone seems to be in more hopeful and positive spirits. We still all have our moments - it remains hard at times. But there is food in the pantry, I've made some new friends, my son is graduating with wonderful memories and a solid athletic, musical, social and academic foundation behind him, relations between my family members have improved, I've still managed to maintain a long distance relationship with Sam despite numerous obstacles and the new year ahead seems brighter! And I've realized you can manage to survive without a Starbucks for over a year and still come out okay. In fact, maybe you come out ahead in the end, because that tea and brownie were so much more savored and truly appreciated compared to the days just three years ago when a weekly Starbucks visit was a routine part of my life.

Making Spirits Bright

Poor snow covered pumpkins. It is so cold outside. And more snow coming - 8 inches over the weekend. We go from 60 degrees to single digits in a matter of days. Typical for us here.

But this morning when I was out early scraping the car, there was the most glorious and colorful sunrise. Of course, by the time I ran in for my camera and back out to take a picture, the colors had faded and the moment had passed. Seeing that sunrise though was a special blessing. It inspired me and gave me some hope. I was feeling good vibes about my job interview.

The interview went as well as it could. It couldn't have gone any better. I felt totally at home at the agency - the job is a great fit for me, and in fact, there are two openings. I'm an even better fit for the case mgr. opening because of my master's. The other job involves more work out in the field/community with some flexible evening and weekend hours. The case mgr. job is during the day and I'd be home for volleyball, band concerts and track meets. The HR rep and I got on very well. It is a small non-profit agency and that type of environment is where I have always felt most at home. Now I have to wait to be called for a second interview. But even if I don't get one of these jobs, applying for it and then interviewing for them has done me a world of good.

I felt renewed confidence talking about my previous experience which is extensive along with my volunteer work. These are almost entry level positions but I explained I am fine with that since I am reentering the job force having been out some time. This agency would be getting a great deal hiring me. I am a dedicated and very hard worker. But if it doesn't go I am motivated to keep up the search and to continue to find an entry back into the arena of social services where I belong again.

So I'm still set to start the restaurant job on Monday but I sure hope the agency moves fast and a positive result occurs because I'm not that much looking forward to working there. Although I'll do what I have to do. Having been given a glimpse of where I could end up is like holding that elusive carrot just out of reach of the poor hungry rabbit.

I received an invitation to a holiday party being held by a very pleasant and interesting lady downstairs, which is tomorrow night. I have decided to go although the boys will be at a basketball game with their friends. It has turned out that most of the residents of this complex are very nice, decent people. It will be another positive change to have an opportunity to have a drink and some snacks while getting to know them better. I wish I were in a better position to invite people over but our apartment is still pretty full of stuff that seems to not have a place. I have put up two little trees though, although the best I could muster up in decorating ideas was to trim the 4 ft. silver tree with mini candy canes. I'm going to see if the boys will join me in making some yarn pom poms. But that is going to be it this year. Still it is something and an improvement from last year. I'd still like to add a few pine boughs to my antique crocks and put them in the kitchen hung with cookie cutter cinnamon ornaments. I'm figuring I can cut some branches while out on a walk but it has been too cold for walks the past week.

Our apartment has been pretty chilly (well, it is very cold outside) and I've been knitting door/draft stoppers for the windows and front door. This is my Christmas gift to myself! I am debating filling them with rice or beans (from the overflow in the pantry) but wonder if that might attract bugs. I'd love some ideas for depleting my rice and dried bean supply. I think, however, that I'll end up filling the stoppers with kitty litter which is often used.

Getting one of these jobs would pull us out of the near poverty bracket and allow me some flexibility in affording food, clothing and a few extras for the boys, as well as those dreaded car repairs. I have to keep up my optimism and hope. I have to continue to believe that the new year will bring better opportunities and an end to some of this hardship. I think that people need a shot of hope to feel hopeful. Maybe it was receiving that bounty of food last week or the fact that we received some gifts from a kind stranger wanting to provide something for my boys. In any event, those displays of generosity have instilled a greater surge of hope within my soul and I am finding that that is a very powerful force!

But maybe the best news of all (kidding) is that the 4-Bean Chili is finally gone! I finished it tonight instead of last night (wanted to avoid chili before my interview and any tummy troubles). It had been in the fridge awhile so I didn't want the boys to eat it. But I have a steel stomach and cannot see ANY food go to waste right now. Thankfully it has departed but right now I cannot look at a bean!

A New View

I struggle with optimism. Since childhood, I have viewed life from the perspective of the glass being half full. People have often told me to lighten up and be more positive. But I don't think some of us can just flip a switch on inside ourselves to make this change. It takes recognition of our nature and thinking and then the hard work of trying to overcome it. And I'm not quite sure how to go about making these changes either. To just wake up and resolve to be more positive and hopeful - how do you go about it? There need to be steps or a plan to follow - a way to get started and ways to keep on track and motivated.

The daily message from lifescript.com and personal coach Dr. John H. Sklare is about optimism today. It is so good and inspiring I am repeating it here for my own inspiration and maybe for others in need as well.

"One of the keys to reaching your goals and bettering your life is an intangible human treasure called optimism. It's having 'hopefulness and confidence about the future or successful outcome of something; a tendency to take a favorable or hopeful view.' Helen Keller wrote: 'Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.'

Those of us who fall on the pessimistic side of life's fence have a much tougher row to hoe each day. Pessimism will drain your emotional batteries, poison your motivational well and leave you feeling lost, angry and frustrated. Optimism, on the other hand, will lighten your emotional load, bring more joy into your life, lift your spirits and make you a more pleasurable companion. A reader once commented, 'With each sunrise, there is a new opportunity to start over.' The perfect attitude to have if you want to bring a more optimistic view into your life."

Well, I'm going to try and remain focused on this advice because I can sure attest to the fact that thinking the way I do, always expecting the negative and being constantly worried and anxious is a very wearying way to live. It will be extremely difficult for me to try and think even a little bit more optimistically but I want to give it a try because the old way keeps me so down and out. I've got to try something different. Maybe the commitment to a new attitude combined with drug therapy will help.

It is like everything else I am learning. We have to work to make ourselves happy, we cannot expect others to make us so. Likewise, we have the choice to be optimistic rather than seeing the situation or journey pessimistically. It is up to us. But it is work and it is hard. Hard in the face of other struggles. Easier to revert back to old, predictable and comfortable ways of thinking and doing. So hard to make changes when so many other changes are going on and necessary.

I suppose, however, it doesn't take that much effort or commitment to simply try and be more conscious of how I think and to switch how I am thinking to a more positive frame when I am aware of my dark, dooming thoughts. Cut them off at the pass by simply refusing to dwell on the what ifs and forcing myself to hope in a positive outcome vs. one that is negative. Can't hurt to try any of this. It is not costing me a penny. But like all new resolutions and promises to ourselves, we have to practice and not give up.

Found Dr. Norman Vincent Peale's little book of daily inspirational quotes, "Positive thinking Everyday" on my bookshelf. I must not be the only one in need of a motivational fix and daily reminder. Today's quote from that classic book of inspiration is: "Faith power in the mind, like adrenalin in the body, can release amazing powers within you in crisis."

Some readers have been telling me all this for many months now. But looking back, I think when we're in deep mourning or grieving a loss, as I was depressed over moving from our home last fall, that you have to get through that stuff first. When some time has passed, you can move ahead and focus on going beyond the loss. At least that is how it has been with me. In the midst of grief I have not been able to think positively and hopefully. Advice such as be more hopeful and optimistic falls on deaf ears. In fact, it irritates me and I stomp my foot and resist that advice. Maybe we need to recognize this and be less harsh on others who don't seem to be moving along as quickly as we think they should. The element of timing is part of the process of being able to cope and move forward. Maybe I've reached a place where I can put my some of the sadness aside and concentrate less on the losses and more on the present. I sure hope so.

Positivity vs. Grief - Can the two Co-exist?

It seems everything I read or hear these days is connected to the positive thinking movement. Interestingly enough, even books I've had for years mention it before The Law of Attraction band wagon took off.

Yesterday, I read that neuroscience is discovering actual proof that we can permanently change our brains through a positive mindset. Scientists are able to actually see and measure the emotional regions of our brains that process joy, happiness and love, as well as depression, mourning, anxiety, OCD, etc. Apparently, even pessimists like me can be taught to become more optimistic.

This is all pretty amazing with the main point being that our emotions and feeling do get transmitted out into the world and we do have some control over what we project. Because what we send out, comes back to us. I like the example of a bummed out, dejected person with shoulders slumped, downcast eyes and scowling smile. Obviously, anyone encountering that person will react accordingly and probably not very favorably. Likewise, someone with a genuine smile and upbeat demeanor will fare better. This person might receive better customer service at a store, have someone give them a break or bend the rules, and so on throughout the day. These experiences will build on themselves - the better they are and the more of them will increase the likelihood of upbeat person staying in a good mood. Dejected person will probably stay down and out because their experiences will be downers.

I am intrigued by all of this and I have made a valiant effort to try and remain as positive as I can through these trying times. Keeping a gratitude list is usually one of the first strategies suggested. Surrounding yourself with happy, fun, optimistic people is another. Trying to fit in as many activities that bring you joy into your life as possible is another suggestion. So I do try and do all these things in an effort to attract more positives back into my life. The jury is still out on how successful this has been.

What concerns me about the logic of this theory and the books that are out there promoting it, is that there doesn't seem to be any comprehension or acknowledgment toward those people who really may be suffering seriously from grief/loss, depression, addiction, life changes such as poverty, etc. These books and even the theory seem to fit best for those people who are leading pretty ordinary, manageable lives. One book made a brief passing comment on this by admitting that yes, no one can be upbeat and super positive 24/7 and that when times are tough they have to be acknowledged. The goal then becomes how to walk through and face the challenges, as well as to try and learn from them.

I think there needs to be a book written for those of us out here dealing with many life complications that realistically paint a complicated and negative picture. "The Law of the Attraction for Those Grieving, Suffering and Dealing with Major Loss" might be one for starters. I guess what bothers me the most is the wiping the slate clean type of attitude I get from these books and the theory itself - that we can't and shouldn't be negative EVER. That grieving and worrying are bad because they transmit toxic, negative energy that will return to us threefold! This is just at such odds with my beliefs about counseling that center on staying with your emotions whatever they are and working through them. There has to be a balance between positive and negative emotions. If we as human beings have the capacity to feel pain, grief and sorrow how can they just be wiped away? Do the proponents of The Law of Attraction believe that those of us deeply grieving have to just shut those emotions off? Or do they believe that we should not grieve as deep or much? Maybe it is impossible to follow this theory period while someone is immersed in deep sorrow or anxiety. I don't know - I really wish I could call Wayne Deyer up and ask him some of these perplexing and vexing questions.

In the meantime, I guess I'll try my best to continue to be grateful, remain positive and upbeat when I can and do my best to smile and keep my shoulders up when out and about in public.

I Am Grateful:

1. That the birds are back - I heard birds singing again for the first time yesterday!
2. That no severe winter-type weather is predicted from here on in - yeah!
3. That all of us have had decent clothes and outerwear to get through the winter months.
4. That no one got the flu this winter - thank you Universe!
5. For the cheery songs of the birds.

Miracle Fast Food Free Week!

Note : This was supposed to post from a draft on Mon. 11/9 but it is coming up the date that I started to write and then saved it (11/7). I'm trying to get through the month with a post a day so this needs to count for Mon. the 9th.

My goal last week was to get through it without resorting to takeout or drive through window stuff. I am proud to say I made it, although one son turned his nose up at the soup and the other the French toast. I have also made it through the first two full weeks of my Certified Nursing Assistant class - only three left to go. I am still mentally and physically drained. I am off this a.m. to a six-hour shift at the Big Box store and need to catch up on reading and studying tonight. At least I know that there are dinner fixings here (tacos) and my having survived the past weeks is giving me some sense of encouragement and optimism. I am trying to figure out how I can take the boys to see the town and house GF has to moved to as well as to tour the school. I'm debating taking them out of school on Fri. but am up against volleyball practice on Thur. night and the BIG football game Fri. night. If we don't leave until after VB practice, we won't get into the town until 2 a.m. on Fri. and I'm not sure that is productive. I asked my son if he could just go to half the practice but what would be optimal is us leaving right after school on Thur. If he misses the practice he won't start in his game on Saturday - maybe that is just the consequence that has to be accepted. For now, I told him that we'd both still have some time to mull it all over.

A week's worth of cheap eating at home - maybe the first time this has happened in a year?

11/1 Sun - refrigerated soup from the deli in French bread bowls, carrots & dip

11/2 Mon - spaghetti & Italian turkey meatballs, mixed veggies (California style), Texas cheese toast

11/3 Tue - French toast, canned peaches, hash brown patties, sausage links

11/4 Wed - turkey hot dogs w/canned turkey chili on top & cheese, chips & dip, corn

11/5 Thur. - turkey meatloaf (defrosted & microwaved), cheesy rice, carrots, toast

11/6 Fri - $5.99 bargain pizza (half cheese/half green pepper)

11/7 Sat - Chili topped w/cheese, sour cream & oyster crackers, left over pizza

Deserts this week - Pumpkin pie ($2.50) w/whipped topping & mint chocolate chip ice cream with leftover double chocolate pudding ring cake

Today I am grateful:

1. That there are no Ramen noodles on the menu last week (at least we haven't resorted to that yet).
2. That I feel somewhat more rested because I am forcing myself to lie down, nap or go to bed as early as I can - I refuse to exert myself beyond its limits anymore - I just can't do that now as I did when I was younger.
3. For the compliment the boys' guidance counselor gave me - that the boys are respectful, good kids with their head's on straight and most importantly that they have high values/morals.
4. That it is going to be warmer weather this week - that is such a huge thing for me - scraping the ice off the windshield and all that stuff is something I dread.
5. Hair Dryers - I've used one practically every day for the past 35 years! They need to be acknowledged!

Getting off the Couch

The past few weeks I have been in a pretty low spot - despondent, unmotivated, overwhelmed. I was able to ride on the high needed to get through the sale of the house and my move but then I just kind of crashed. It became too much of an effort to shop and then cook for dinners, so we had more fast food meals than is healthy. Some days, when I was off from work, I just sat in the apartment rather than unpack or work at the storage shed. Other days, I went back to bed after the boys went to school and stayed there all morning. I could get through the bare minimum of what needed to be done and that is about all. The past month has reminded me a lot of those early weeks and months after my husband first died. I'd be exhausted and go to bed early but be unable to sleep. So I would read and end up falling to sleep fitfully with all the lights on and my face unwashed and teeth unbrushed. I'd awaken at 3:00 a.m. and just lie there, unable to even roll over and turn off the light. I've had numerous nights like that over the past month.

I guess there is truth to the fact that new losses reactivate old losses. There has been tremendous anguish over having to move from our home and I have found myself still struggling with feelings of pain from the divorce. In a way my emotional upset has immobilized me. I am grieving the loss of my home, the end of my marriage, the end of the life I had with my first husband which was symbolized by our home.

I am aware of all of this - kind of like a person standing outside of myself and observing. I've been doing some reading on optimism vs. negativity and hope. I want to try and move past this and feel less broken. Part of it is up to me. I am motivated to prepare healthier meals for us (especially since Swine Flu is running rampant here). It will take some effort but I am game. Some of the shift is due to my accepting my situation with greater grace. I am feeling less of a failure for having had to move. I continue to hear stories of many people from all walks of life struggling right now, having to downsize or losing their homes. I've done the best I can as a mom who has dealt with the death of a spouse, being divorced by another and then having the Recession hit all within a five-year period. Believe me, since my husband's death we have been struggling to make ends meet - I wasn't out buying clothes or cars or going on vacations. I was just a middle-class, middle-aged mom doing the best I could to survive and raise my sons on my own.

So with that acceptance has come some peace. And the depression has lifted. And I am making an effort to be more positive and hopeful. And I am starting to do more. And even though there isn't enough time in the day, I am doing as much as I can with the time I have and that is about the best anyone can do.

Today I am grateful:

1. For pumpkins.
2. For my job - it saved me from staying in bed all day on some days.
3. For picnic baskets (what made me think of this I don't know but they're pretty cool even though summer had ended).
4. For the scarf look everyone is wearing these days - the long, skinny scarves wrapped a couple of times around your neck.
5. For the smell of Noxema skin cream/cleanser.

Basic Needs & Survival

One of the basic principles from Psych. 101 usually includes Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. His theory in brief is that humans require certain needs met to grow, develop and evolve into their full potentials. The first basic tier of his pyramid includes physical needs such as safety, food, shelter, stability, protection (HEALTH INSURANCE), etc. If those basic needs aren't met a person can't move up to the next level of emotional needs. Those needs include our desire for love, connection, appreciation, community, etc. Until those needs are likewise met it is not possible for a person to achieve fulfillment with the next levels which include doing productive work, enjoying life, finding value in the balance of work and play. BOTTOM LINE - without feeling safe and secure it is pretty hard to enjoy life, find meaning in it or be able to work productively. This is because you are so consumed with survival - nothing is left over for the rest, including love.

I am thinking this as I contemplate the future of my life. I certainly am currently caught up in survival mode and I feel like I am sinking without someone next to me giving me a hand. I have tried to remain cheerful, optimistic and hopeful as I struggle with providing for my family. And I'm just not making it. I don't get enough hours at the big box store so I am starting a short-term program to become a Certified Nursing Assistant. But until I can get a new job there is not enough money to afford health/life/car insurance, pay the rent, bills, gas, clothes and still have enough for food. I'm not making it, cutting it, or surviving. And maybe according to Maslow's theory it is impossible for me to even think or consider such basic desires as happiness, joy and love while I'm struggling.

In the meantime I am stressed beyond the point of breaking. I am not as accessible to my sons because of it, as well as my depression, anxiety and worry. There is limited support to rely on and I am being crushed under the weight of this load I keep carrying by myself. We all deserve better. I'm not asking for a lot. Just the constant burden of worrying about our basic needs to be alleviated a bit. Then to feel a little bit of happiness and joy. To be able to watch a movie or video. To cook a meal with fresh meat and produce. To not wake up in dread and go to bed with that knot in my stomach. To feel a bit of hope and sanity.

Choosing to be positive

It has been a bit of a tough time the last couple of weeks with getting readjusted to the boys being out of school for the summer. I have also been fighting with feelings of general sadness and some hopelessness. Getting the house cleaned up and cleared out is a daunting task to handle on my own and it also depresses me. I'm doing the best I can - getting up and going to work when I'm scheduled to; feeding the boys; taking care of the little day-to-day duties.

I started clearing out the study yesterday and spent the day going through and recycling old paperwork. Toward the end of the day, I came across a crinkled piece of paper that I'd torn out of a woman's magazine. I was about to recycle it when some words caught my eye from an article about cultivating inner joy. One of the suggestions was to focus on the positive in all situations - not because life is always rosy posy. But by embracing life positively and cheerfully, we can make our lives better.

I reflected on this because I'd recently read some articles about choosing to be happy and that being positive and optimistic is a choice we can all make to improve our lives. I have to take some of this advice with a grain of salt. When someone is deeply grieving, such simplistic suggestions are not suitable. The prevalent upbeat spirit in the self-help books I have been recently reading is beginning to annoy me. There is a time and place for appropriate grieving, such as when a marriage has ended and you're in foreclosure. I think that I am entitled to feel sad at my losses right now. Yet according to these self-help gurus, by focusing on my grief (which puts forth low-level energy vibrations), I am actually attracting back negative things into my life!

Yet at the same time I understand the logic about choosing to see the good in a situation and putting your best foot forward and all that. I guess as in all things it is a balance. A balance between setting time aside for deeply grieving and then choosing to move forward with a more optimistic mindset.

Today I am grateful:

1. For having the strength to face what needs to be done with the house although it is dreary and hard work.
2. For the small surprises I find along the way in cleaning, such as a self-portrait my son drew of himself that made me laugh out loud it was so realistic!
3. That the weather has continued to be cool enough to not have to wear shorts because I haven't had time yet to organize my summer clothing!
4. For the great cheap dinner we had last night - fried bologna, coleslaw, potato salad and corn bread.
5. For the good advice I got from that torn out article which was when you're feeling envious, say to yourself, "Right now I have enough." Aren't those great words?