Standing Tall

I don't know if it is the medication that is calming my nerves, the walks or a combination of both but I have reached some sort of level of peace within my life and circumstances. Things are still extremely challenging emotionally and financially. I struggle every month simply to put decent food on the table and have enough gas to do the limited driving I do. This month, the month of feasting and thankfulness has been the absolute worst in terms of not having enough to make it. We had car insurance bills totaling $600.00 and there goes the gas and food budget. I won't belabor our financial woes. I try to keep those separate in my blog "Plunged Into Poverty," which I don't post as much on.

Anyway, I always say to the boys, "This is it guys - we've reached the end. I can't make it anymore and we'll be eating PB & J the last week of the month." They respond, "You tell us that every month and we always make it through and have yet to have a dinner of PB & J." Still it is so hard...

Yet despite it all I am committed to finding happiness or at least contentment even within these trying circumstances. I will stand as tall as I can and try to rise above all of this.

In the end, I believe what we should all strive for is to become the best we can both inside and out. And to sneak in a little happiness besides.

The Winking Owl wine is not that good but I have had a glass and feel the effects of mellowness. I haven't given up yet - a good belly laugh would be nice. Have to work on that. But I'm not afraid anymore to look for happiness and to even be happy. I'm not going to put it on hold anymore until my circumstances have improved. That's a huge shift for me.

Running Around in Circles

It is disconcerting to realize how much my work situation mirrors that of my widowhood. And even more to be living a life where I feel trapped and unable to escape my circumstances.

The problem with the job is pure and simple - there is just not enough staff. I have anywhere between 12 and 17 residents to care for depending on the floor. The actual caring of the residents isn't the issue - it is the logistics surrounding that care. On Friday, eight of my 12 residents required that I have assistance in getting them up out of bed into their wheel chairs. However, I spent countless wasted time running around hallways and entering rooms in an effort to locate another CNA to provide that assistance. Along the way I'd get nabbed by a nurse from another unit to take a resident to the bathroom or assist in some way. Then I'd be away from my residents longer than necessary. The deal is that I will be fired if I lift a person on my own and they fall or get hurt. I would also lose my CNA certification. In order to save time, most CNAs take that risk and transport residents requiring a two-person assist by themselves.

Bottom line is, while at work I feel as ineffective as I do at home parenting as an only parent or as a lover or with my finances. Running around in circles and falling woefully short.

God, is this going to be the story of the rest of my life? I worry that if it is so, I'm going to lose my mind! I can't keep at this where every corner of my life seems to be a miserable failure.

I leave work depressed and upset over everything I didn't get done - I'm worried I'll be fired for this. Then I get home to more running around in circles. This past week I've tried to solve a problem with one of my oldest son's acne prescriptions. There was a snafu between Walmart, the doctor, the drug company, which regulates the drug and then the insurance. I will spare you the details because it is a comedy of errors. But at the end, I threw up my hands and gave up. I can't solve this mess, nor should it be my responsibility to do so. There are people on the clock who should be figuring this out, not the poor mom without the time or energy.

This is the first time that I've given up on something since my husband's death. I've always worked it out in the past and figured it out. But I have reached a point where I am admitting defeat. It's like the seven year marriage itch they talk about. After all this time on my own, six and a half years, I've reached some point where I'm losing the resolve and strength I've possessed in the past. Admitting defeat and giving up.

I think there has to be balance in life. And when successes are missing, one's life becomes lopsided and hopeless. You feel like you just keep digging a hole to the center of the earth or like you're running around in circles endlessly.

I will give myself a few points of credit for at least not killing or physically harming anyone at work. That is a risk I will never take. Unfortunately, it resulted in one poor lady with only one leg never getting up out of bed on my shift because I could never locate a sling which is used for one of the equipment lifts. It is sad that she isn't coherent. If she was, I think the nursing home would be hearing about it and having some hell to pay.Show all

Life and Solitaire

I have been playing the computer game solitaire recently, as a brief diversion when I need to take a break. As I play (with usually very terrible cards) the thought has repeatedly struck me how similar life can be to this game. Sometimes there is nothing you can do with the hand you were dealt - no amount of rearranging or manipulating the cards is going to get the hand to win. The cards dealt to you were chance, you did nothing wrong in selecting certain ones. Neither did you give up too easily. Rather, you spent some time studying the patterns and did your best to come up with new strategies to no avail.

My therapist once told me that there are times when we need to accept that it is not our fault. That we need to give up on the situation because there is absolutely nothing we can do to come out on top. The ship is sinking and to survive you need to bail. Her words were a novel concept to me. I of course, always think it is my fault and if only I can do or change one thing the situation will be restored.

But as I play this game I am reminded of her words. Sometimes no amount of rearranging the financial figures is going to make you come out ahead and the best option is to sell your home and downsize. Sometimes all of your love and devotion is going to be rejected if the person you're involved with doesn't want to be in an intimate relationship and doesn't have the skills or experience to work with you on saving it. Sometimes it honestly isn't your fault and the hardest aspect of that is to accept there is nothing you can do anymore but end the game and start a new one, which you do with hope and expectancy.

Today I am grateful:

1. For a world that is beyond what we can humanly imagine/comprehend.
2. For the belief in something bigger than ourselves, a creator/life force.
3. For the power of synchronization (fate/magic/luck) in our lives.
4. For the extreme little things we take for granted such as being able to email and play solitaire on the computer in the first place!
5. That there is always hope even after defeat.

Demoted!

So much for the new job - I've been doing my best but my performance hasn't been up-to-par so my hours were reduced from 33.5 to 10. I've been taken off the management track I was on and am now classified as lowly cashier. The store manager and I had a long chat when I inquired about my reduced hours. I totally agree with him that I have not caught on that quickly. They will be training another new employee now for the "front-end lead" spot I was hired for. The manager said I am about a month behind in the training schedule they had hoped for.


How have I taken this news? The best I can. I've considered quitting but I am not a quitter and we need the money. As they want me to fill in for people calling off their shifts, I am able to recover some of my lost hours. It is frustrating to want to do a good job but not remembering all the details going along with the training. For example, the stuff I'm doing wrong include not removing the sensor scanner from a $750.00 vacuum cleaner. (A horrible alarm was set off when the poor couple left the store and managers came running out of no where!) Or forgetting how to ring up a certain type of coupon that has only come in once before.

I did explain to the manager that people have different types of learning styles and I need to have hands-on training in order to remember a procedure. Their training so far mostly involves my looking over the shoulder of an experienced cashier, who quickly does the transaction. I am then supposed to remember how to do it but I don't. I also told the manager that I've asked repeatedly for just 5-10 minutes of one-on-one time but apparently that is too much time to take to train someone individually at this super busy store. The manager was nice and said they'd try and work with me. He acknowledged my lack of retail experience and even referred to me as a "fish out of water." He also conceded that it is a challenge to go back to work after being out of the work force awhile.

Some of this too involves my life as an only parent (with a lot on her mind as well, in regard to the foreclosure/bankruptcy). I only get about 5-6 hours of sleep a night and sometimes I'm drained when I go into work - not exactly the most conducive circumstances for starting and learning a new job. It doesn't help that I haven't worked in retail since college and the younger people at this place seem to catch on much more quickly and understand what is going on more easily. Some of them have worked at Old Navy, The Gap, Carson's, Linens & Things, etc.

So there is a fair amount stacked up against me - my being middle-aged (I don't think as fast as I once did); the challenges of being an only parent; returning to the job market after a break of a few years. In fact, I haven't worked full-time in 13 years! Since I got my master's degree I've only held part-time positions. Just the fact that I made it through two 30+ hours a week is pretty good for me! My feet ached from standing eight hour shifts and were covered in blisters. But I did make it through.

Now there is the question of what I do from here. And I have decided to take the lead of my oldest. At our Mother's Day dinner we talked about my "demotion" and he got such a kick out of it - laughing up a storm and exclaiming, "How can they demote you from a cashier? Are you in the stockroom now?" His sense of humor was contagious and I've decided to try and lighten up about all of this. Ringing up the wrong coupon may seem like a big deal to management and maybe even the customer but I know that it pales in comparison to the really big stuff. So I guess I'm going to smile my way through my mishaps and apologize if necessary - but then I'm going to take off the work apron when the day is done, go home and FORGET ABOUT IT. In the meantime, I can weigh my options - keep looking for a job in my field (a counseling agency is still interested in me), maybe take a few classes, work at this place until they fire me (or maybe I will start getting the hang of it eventually).

Today I am grateful:

1. For my son's wisdom, humor and support. He did a lot to lift my mood on Mother's Day.
2. For not having had to use the Food Pantry again - working is bringing in grocery money.
3. For sticking it out and not quitting when it might have been easier (on my feet for sure) to have thrown in the towel.
4. For having the courage to try a job outside my field.
5. For having the strength to take a chance.

Plugging Away

Well, I survived my work day on Sunday. I did admit I was not ready to handle a cash register on my own and I got a little more time working with someone before I was thrown in. Yes, I made some mistakes and had to ask for help. But I made it through and did not leave with a headache. Things are still confusing but I'll try and do the best I can and get through this training period. This course of action sounds a lot like widowhood. Trying to get through the best I can. I've sure had a lot of practice in that regard. Now I'll try and apply it to this work situation.

Today I am grateful:

1. That trying circumstances come to an end (like the first few days on a new job).
2. For my ability to see beyond what others do - Okay, so I transposed the amount due to a customer who was making a big deal about it. (I told her the amount due was 12.67 instead of 12.76.) I knew she had gotten the correct change back and no harm was done but a little confusion. I could let it go because in the grand scheme of life this is a nothing incident, of no consequence.
3. For April showers bringing May flowers.
4. For the truth behind one door closing and another opening.
5. For escape t.v. shows like Dancing with the Stars, Hell's Kitchen and American Idol - I know I need these in my life to give myself a little breather from reality.