The Books Have Answered

My last post was about the conflict I feel between trying to live in and focus on the present. In early widowhood, I suppose I focused too much on the past and what I lost. These days, mostly because of financial pressures, I seem to be more focused on the future. Every month is a struggle with juggling the bills and there is nothing left for security or even a fast food meal out. If I get a flat tire or need a car repair I'll be out of luck because there isn't anything there for emergencies. I am so depleted living this way. Yet hope is on the horizon. If I can just hang in there by early spring I can make the plans to move from this area. Currently, I pay more than half of my monthly income on rent and utilities. Moving to a lower-cost part of the state will help my life enormously.

So, I look toward the future, when I can breathe a little easier every month and my mind isn't consumed on how to pay all my bills without overdrawing my bank account. What I most hope for, is the ability to help my boys with their college expenses and to live simply within my means. I'm like most people out there I think. I enjoy nice things and would like a few luxuries in my life along with a cart of fresh groceries and being able to afford new clothes for my sons. I do look forward to ending these days of Goodwill clothing, lack of Christmas/Birthday gifts, and a $50.00 weekly food budget.

How can one embrace a life when one is struggling or hurting or in pain? I know there are many out there counting pennies and worried about affording next week's groceries or utility bill. I'm not the only one. I realize that. But I am struggling with how to live fully and with passion when it all just sucks right now. All the platitudes that tell us to live for the now. But how can you do that when the now is difficult? I need help, ideas, a plan of action or cheat sheet. Don't just tell me to do something without telling me how to accomplish it.

The other night, after blogging I did my daily reading before bedtime. I needed a new book and chose one from my collection of yard sale/used book sale pile, the "Last Chance Saloon" by Marian Keyes. Many times when I am searching for guidance or an answer, I'll find a response in a book. It was funny and I laughed when I read the the beginning saying which is as follows:

"For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision:
But today well lived
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day."

Sanskrit Proverb

I am reminded of those who advise the dieting to not focus on the future when the weight is lost because people assume weight loss will lead to instant happiness. Acceptance and living each day fully is recommended. And I've read about embracing our circumstances for whatever they may be, e.g., even during tough times to not shy or hide from them.

I don't know, after this post I'm still not clear about all this. I don't think it is easy for humans to embrace hardship without fortitude and resolve. Maybe embracing it with open arms and acceptance might not always be possible. Maybe just getting through it in one piece is enough. There is also the factor of widowhood and being alone/handling all this crap solo that plays a part too. It is a part of the mix - having someone to lean on physically and emotionally might not make a stew appear magically on the stove, but might boost morale and provide the strength to get through another day.

Instability

Drove to the ethnic grocery store where I can get good deals on fruit and bakery items. Ahead of me in the parking lot, a pile of paper was churning around in the air in front of the stop sign. Immediately I felt a connection with the mess of paper, which I related to the turmoil going on inside myself and the need for it to STOP. At that point I also realized that the reason for my mood plunge may be the fact that I've had to switch meds because I lost my insurance through the state plan. Reason being that my oldest turned 18 and as such, is no longer considered a minor under my care. So my income was recalculated and I did not qualify for coverage, although both my sons will continue to be covered until they turn 19.

Now this is all crazy. Because how are kids at the tender age of 19 supposed to be able to support themselves and provide themselves with insurance, especially if they are in school full time? I can also attest to the fact that at my income level health insurance is almost impossible to afford. Working in retail and at a restaurant, I can also relate that these establishments keep a tight lid on employee hours specifically to keep them from qualifying for insurance benefits. That is why I am so eager to get a better job and to possibly remarry.

I did scramble and was able to obtain health insurance coverage for myself through my pension plan at the tune of $187.00 a month, which is actually pretty reasonable. Although the coverage is effective as of March 1, I still have not received an insurance card. It would cost me over $800.00 a month to cover my sons under a family plan.

I ran out of medication and found that the anti-depressant would cost over $100.00 to refill and the blood pressure pills about $84.00. So my doctor prescribed new meds under the $4.00 medication list from Walmart. Only problem, anti-depressants take a number of weeks to kick in. So now I do feel a drop in mood and my mental stability. And it doesn't help that I'm experiencing a huge bout of PMS this month too.

Stability. That is really what I long for at this point. A stable life and a stable mood. Widowhood can be chaotic and unstable. I want an easier and more predictable life. Not one where I have to scramble for insurance coverage and then deal with the ups and downs of changing medications. I know I sound like a broken record but I see widowhood and only parenting as a see saw. When there is a partner on the other seat, the see saw can be balanced. But with only one rider, the see saw is impossible to balance.

That blowing around garbage was a good visual metaphor for how I feel right now. Make the instability STOP please. Let me feel and live on an even keel. Please send me some balance. With balance comes peace, hope and contentment. It is just so hard to keep balancing everything by myself.

Books/Authors/Widows

Looked into attending a lecture/appearance by Joyce Carol Oates at the Harold Washington Public Library in Chicago next Thursday but it is booked. She will be speaking about her latest memoir dealing with her grief after the death of her husband. I know this book has been in the recent news. I read a little about it and her reasons for publishing it, in part, she says to educate the public on grief.

My own feelings are mixed about purchasing the book. It is another one dealing with that "first year" time frame. Been there, done that. Seems like most grief books cover the first year and I am so past that now, yet still daily affected by the death of my husband. Why are there no books out there covering the grief years for those of us longer-term widows? Why is widowhood looked at constantly from that single year period? For me at least, the first year was such a blur it was like it didn't even exist anyway.

Have just finished the classic Edith Wharton novel, "The House of Mirth." Why I even read this I don't know except that it is a classic. Surely, a book about the social silliness of the New York upper class at the turn of the century doesn't have a lot of meaning today. Or maybe it does - I'll have to consider that.

But the story is about a society girl tumbling into poverty. One section at the end, really caught my eye. Lily has just bumped into a poor young women she helped with medical care when she still was wealthy. Here are her comments on that woman, Nettie:

"The poor little working-girl who had found strength to gather up the fragments of her life, and build herself a shelter with them, seemed to Lily to have reached the central truth of existence. It was a meagre enough life, on the grim edge of poverty, with scant margin for possibilities of sickness or mischance, but it had the frail audacious permanence of a bird's nest built on the edge of a cliff - a mere wisp of leaves and straw, yet so put together that the lives entrusted to it may hang safely over the abyss.

Yes - it had taken two to build the nest; the man's faith as well as the woman's courage. Lily remembered Nettie's words: "I knew he knew about me." (her past with another man). Her husband's faith in her had made her renewal possible - it is so easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be!"

There again is what I have strongly come to believe. It is easier with a partner, it is easier when you're happily married, two are better than one.

I am sinking under the tiredness of life on my own. Now that my oldest is graduating, in the end, should I remarry or live with someone again, I will still say that I raised the boys on my own - on my own.

I don't know how to act or think any more. Yes, I am working and starting to socialize more. But the women in my knit club seem so remote to me. Two are widowed but much older than I, with grown children. The others are all married and as they share and talk about the details of their lives, husbands doing the taxes, going on cruises, dealing with their houses (I'm the only apartment dweller out the group of 50), I just can't relate and feel left out - as I usually do.

I am not sure at this point how to even act in a romantic relationship and what is realistic for me to expect from a partner. I only know that I am feeling unfulfilled in certain ways with Sam who lives 250 miles away. Do we even have a relationship? He expects me to drive out to be him with on weekends and can't come to see me because of his retail management job not granting him two days off in a row. But I'm tired of this and don't feel emotionally supported. I'm supposed to be content with this arrangement for the next year while waiting for my younger son to finish high school? What are we anyway? He still is gun shy about remarriage. I don't want to be in a relationship that I can't even define and exists at a standstill because of distance and lack of contact.

My job is so boring and also frustrating, after work today, I picked up the summer community college course directory to sign up for the Library Assistant Program which starts at the end of May. I have to do something, anything to move myself into some sort of professional environment.

I feel in limbo and at odds with life and my feelings right now. I don't want this life anymore. Somehow I have to muster up the strength to bring change to my situation. But as Lily reflects, it is difficult when one doesn't feel there is someone on your side supporting and even holding you up at times. Lily in the end fails and can't do it on her own. Why aren't there any books out there relating this life and the trials affecting poor, tired, only-parent widows about ready to fall off the cliff because their nests are blowing away...

The Weight of Baggage and Burdens

Today I woke up feeling like I was bearing the weight of the world within my soul. I felt suffocated and had those gasps of fear people with panic attacks must experience. I could feel the insides of my stomach contract and my breathing became fast and frantic. All this grief and loss combined with the fear and stress from trying to get by has compounded to the point of feeling like there is some kind of bomb inside me that is going to explode.

I so wish I did not have to bear all of this pain around me. It is a burden and baggage that will always surround me. I hope someday when life becomes easier that I won't have to carry so much on my shoulders and that I won't feel so much of the weight of the past. But right now the past and present have combined to pretty much overtake my spirit and strength.

I called my family doctor and requested an appointment. I asked them to check for an earlier date when I was told there were no openings until next week and now have one for tomorrow. I'll tell this doctor what is going on and my symptoms and discuss options. I just know for now that the past and present bear too much on my soul and if there is something that can alleviate some of the physical symptoms, that would be a good thing. I am also having difficulty sleeping, only getting a few hours a night and that does not help me during the days.

Both of our cars now need work. My little sedan to the tune of almost $600.00 and the van, $135.00 if it only needs a new battery. I got a loan from the pawn shop today to pay for the van, bringing in my wedding and engagement rings minus the diamond which was sold during my divorce. Never in a thousand years would I have ever believed I'd need to go to a pawn shop, much less go into one on my own and negotiate but I held my head up high and accomplished that today. So despite the awful feelings within and those I carry on my shoulders, in addition to the weight that I feel floats around me, I did do my best to take care of business today. Worked on new resumes, made lunches, got the boys to school, cleaned up, got a referral for my son to get his vision tested, dealt with a credit card company.

I found out that we have vision coverage through Walmart, although it only covers glasses and my son prefers contacts. That means I can finally get a new pair of glasses for myself and will get some kind of reduction for my son's exam with the contacts - that will help!

So I am making it through the days but there is always such effort involved. Last night was the parent meeting for show choir which is $500.00. I had talked to the school about a financial break earlier in the day and then had to come up with a payment plan with the adviser. I was not the only parent to do so. I saw another mom and a dad pick up the financial payment sheet and each converse privately with the adviser. I ended up agreeing to make 6 payments of $75.00 and my son can also help out by selling school related fund raising items during the year.

The show choir is pretty amazing - it reminded me of the choir that is portrayed on the program Glee. My son is the only "jock" athlete of the group, with the majority of the kids being more into the theater, performing arts and dance. I asked my son if he will be comfortable performing for school assemblies and he is fine with it. I hope he is an inspiration to other kids that they can be in more than one type of activity. The athletes tend to only engage in athletic activities, etc. The choir director told me that one of the songs she chose for the group to perform was selected because she wants my son to have a solo in it. So that is a bright spot amidst all this struggle.

The sedan needs a new catalytic converter. It can still be driven but the motor is extremely loud and I am embarrassed. It sounds like I need a new muffler. I was told to keep the windows down while driving because the front pipe is broken near the front of the car and is leaking exhaust into the interior. I picked my youngest up from school and he started laughing about the car and told me that one day I'll look back on this and laugh too. I replied that I really don't think I ever will look back on this period and laugh. It is too difficult with more pain than gain. I'm having trouble staying afloat much less getting ahead or even remaining stable.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to stay with Sam instead of bringing the boys back here to finish high school but I have to stop that train of thought and just go with the fact that that decision was made, what is done is done. We've started my oldest's final year of high school and he is flourishing. So I won't look back and laugh at the hardships we're experiencing now. I do hope I look back and believe the sacrifices were worth it for my sons.

For now, I have to do my best to concentrate on getting through the days and hanging in there. I am hoping that the van can get repaired this week and we'll manage with sharing one vehicle for a month or two and then have the sedan fixed. In the meantime, I am glad I have that doctor appointment tomorrow because at this point, I'll take some extra help if it'll lessen the load of baggage and burdens I'm carrying.

Taking a Break from Grief, Growth & Healing

This Law of Attraction theory is freaking me out. Here is the text of an email I recently received from inspirational author Lissa Coffey's daily message on "CoffeyTalk.com."

"What you focus on, you will experience.

When you talk about "what is" or "what was," even if you're just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future. If you ask more than you give thanks, you'll believe less in your own power. And if you insist that it's hard and that you're lonely, you'll find that it is, and you are.

Yet, ALWAYS, you can choose to focus on what's good."

So here I am complaining about my widowhood life and the crap going on at work. I seem surrounded by discontent and hardship. And I'm having so much difficulty trying to ignite some spark of hope. I'm just plain tired physically and mentally and I am convinced that that is playing a huge part. When you're fatigued, it is even harder to harness the energy needed to go forward more optimistically. I am noticing that it is easier to continue to complain than shore up my resources and take some action - in part because I am too drained on all cylinders.

I worry about The Law of Attraction and grief in general. Some of the material I have read promotes the bettering of our depressed/hopeless feelings asap. In other words, when we start feeling down and out, even if relates to the death of a loved one, we're supposed to try and convert that energy toward less negative feelings and continue doing so as though we're climbing up a ladder. There was an exercise on this involving a daughter whose father had died. And the entire process took place in a matter of moments!

I think about the grieving process for me which lasted a good year after the death of my husband and then for more than a year after my divorce. I couldn't just wipe my grief and depression away. And I needed the times that I spent in that horrible, dark, dank, smelly, wet cave when there was no possible way I'd even be able to see a lit match directly in front of my face!

All the acknowledgment about the need for having to walk through our grief into the pain. How can that occur if we're just bypassing our feelings in an effort to be less negative?

But the real question I have for the experts on this theory is this: what happens to all of us actively grieving on whatever level we're at? We're continuously thinking and acting on depressed and negative emotions. If the theory says that we get back what we're thinking of, what happens during the intense periods of grief? Does more come our way or are we given a pass because of our circumstances? Do we all prolong the time and intensity we are grieving because of this law?

I'm sick of grieving. I'm sick of my efforts to grow, heal and come to some answers about all the shit that has happened in my life. I need a break from reading books about The Law of Attraction. I continue to come back to the idea that concentrating on me for a few weeks or months would do me a great deal of good. Doing small and simple things for my benefit and pleasure and perhaps saying "no" more to my sons. Going to a movie or two. Drinking some more wine. Maybe reading nothing in the self-help section at all for a change! Being lazy, taking some nature walks. If I can find them in the storage shed, using the roller blades I bought myself after my husband died and then never used. You get the idea. Taking a break from not only grief but also healing.

I will not be able to take a break from the job search though. Today at work someone told me that over the summer there were nine CNAs working on the second floor and now there are only seven. I have come to the realization that there is no way I can get all the work done that needs to get done - it is unattainable. And for that reason I'll have to pack my bags and go elsewhere. I can't in good conscience work in such a poorly managed environment that ultimately ends up hurting those it is most supposed to help - the residents. I can quit tomorrow if I have to - the poor people at this facility are stuck there.

I'm praying that some "me time" will end up inspiring me and providing me with some energy so I can go out there and job hunt again. And that in the process some of my hope and optimism will also be restored.

Deserving of Joy

"People need joy quite as much as clothing. Some of them need it far more."
Margaret Collier Graham, 1906

Last week I had a very sad experience at the library. It is a treat for me to visit the library because when I lived in our home, we were out of the city limits and did not qualify for a library card unless we purchased one for about $200.00 a year. So, once we moved to the apartment, which is in the city, I obtained a FREE library card. I've gone a couple times now and have been amazed at the great DVD collection available. There isn't much down time in my life, so I've just gotten a nice selection of knitting and craft books to browse through so far.

During my last half hour library visit, I caught myself thinking about how happy being in a library makes me, along with bookstores. I love being surrounded by books. They comfort me. Maybe this goes back to my childhood when I often escaped the turmoil of my youth by reading. It probably makes sense that I have amassed a large library with 12 large overstuffed book cases surrounding my living room. I put a lot of furniture into storage when I moved but most of the books came with me. Maybe surrounding myself with books is my attempt at feeling safe and secure.

Anyway, I was happy and content in the library. Feeling a few moments of pure escapism pleasure. I felt good even just looking around at the other patrons. Then I noticed a lot of the library employees were women my age or older and my mind ran away with the fantasy that for my next career, I'll go back to the community college for a library assistant certificate. I was really having fun with that, imaging my boys in college and me happily working and content in a little suburban library.

And then it happened. This horrible voice came in and interrupted my fantasy. It growled, "You have no right to feel happy right now. Your life is a mess. You're struggling to pay your bills and feed your children. You need to feel as bad as your life is right now. And dreams of ever working in a library? Are you kidding? You don't even have a job. You need to keep your nose to the grindstone and keep pounding the pavement. You don't deserve such a frivolous job anyway!"

And just like that, my good mood and happy outlook disappeared and I was back to worrying about the bills, food and job. Then I was even upset with myself for having those few moments of contentment.

I think what happened here is that when you're down and out, it becomes very easy to see yourself in a negative way. You're already feeling desperate and lousy about your situation and society casts its disapproving eyes your way as well. You start believing that you're a rotten person for being in the position you have landed, and the next logical thought is that you're as bad as your situation. And bad people don't deserve happiness or bits of joy in their lives. Only the well-to-do housewives down the street deserve it because they aren't facing adversity.

Of course, this whole train of thought and its premise are nonsense. If anyone needs and deserves some happiness and diversion it would be those who are suffering or going through a hard time, like me. It is just interesting to see how easy it is to get swept down into the mire and to stay there because of thoughts like these. Those who are suffering have so many challenges to face including this one - the ability to see oneself as having value and worth, deserving of some happiness, leisure and fun even while wading through the muck of despair.

I am grateful:

1. For the smell and sounds of spring in the air.
2. For rain instead of snow.
3. That my flat tire on the second car only needed to be inflated, not changed, hopefully buying me a few more weeks until I am more able to afford new tires.
4. That I caught a break at the eye doctor when they sold me a box of contacts for my son even though he needed a new exam and their policy required the exam for me to get the contacts - because they don't accept any insurance and right now I can't afford the exam charge. This will hold us until I can find a new place to go that is more affordable for eye care.
5. For highlighter pens in bright colors way beyond that initial yellow.

Burdens Bearing Down

I have contemplated filing for bankruptcy for some time now but have kept putting it off because of fear. Fear and dread that it will end up actually making my future life far more difficult. What I am most concerned about is not being able to rent another apartment. I have done some checking around and the complexes in this area do not rent to those who have filed bankruptcy, including the place I am currently residing. Does anyone know if my current complex can evict me if I file for bankruptcy? My lease is up in September - does the leasing agent run another credit report on me at that time or are leases just renewed automatically if you desire to continue it? I am not late with my rent and have never been behind if that makes a difference.

If I don't file for bankruptcy, then I have to figure out how I will pay for my substantial and past due debt. Some of my debt is with Consumer Credit Counseling but I have one credit card company (Macy's) that has been very difficult to work with. They wanted very high monthly payments that I couldn't swing being unemployed. What if they now sue me? How do I pay a $5,000.00 credit card bill if I don't have the extra money to do so. I suppose they could garnish my future wages but is there a limit how much they can take out each check? Does a judge decide that if Macy's sues me and I have to go to court?

I am just so frightened because of my sole responsibility for the boys. I have no one to fall back on or rely on. It is my reality. I could care less if I had to live in one room in a boarding house but I have to think of the boys -getting them through high school and then college. My stomach is in knots about all this.

I recently read an article that was printed in a local paper depicting the plight of suburban families on the brink of losing everything after a job loss. I know that there are many of us out there, victims of divorce, death of a spouse, unemployment who have fallen on hard times. This is what bugs me - if that is the reality here, where are they all going after a foreclosure? Why are these apartment complexes denying rent to those forced to declare bankruptcy because of legitimate hardship? If I get kicked out/evicted I don't know where I will go - I have no where to go.

It is almost impossible for me to remain cheerful and optimistic as I face these questions everyday on my own. I know there have to be others out there like me in my community (well-educated professionals hard hit by the Recession) but they are hidden. Widowhood is isolating but so is being down on your luck and struggling financially.

Thanks for reading. At least for the time being we have a roof over our heads. I never thought I'd be grateful for living in an apartment but I have come to be grateful for this residence.

I am grateful:

1. For the melting snow.
2. For the shining sun.
3. For the warmer temperatures.
4. For the apartment that shelters us.
5. For the people kind enough and interested to read this.

Rocky Road

Sam and I spoke at length last night and this morning he called and the first words out of his mouth were that he thinks we should stay here and not move to him. It was a disheartening conversation. Part of his feelings result from the three weeks we spent living with him in December. He feels the boys and I were very unhappy and as a result, it did change his views about marrying me. We had spoken of marrying in January but now he does not feel "comfortable" doing so and wants to wait to "build up trust" again and to "make sure it is the right thing to do" for all of us.

I would have to say that this is all pretty distressing to me. I told him I'd wished he'd said something to me sooner and he replied that back in Dec. he had been hoping things would improve/change. I admit I was having a hard time of things and pretty depressed at that time. I thought he understood where I was coming from and would give me some leeway in getting through the tangle of emotions that surrounded me.

The move and my decision to enroll the boys in the new school for a kind of trial run was made very quickly and I had just completed the intensive 5-week Nursing Asst. training course. We literally left for our move hours after my last clinical class on Sun. and the boys started school on Mon. During the three weeks we lived with Sam I was also driving home on the weekends to finish my two-week notice with the big box store. It was very stressful and I did the best I could. Now I feel I am being judged by a set of criteria that is not fair.

Sam says the door to his home is still open and nothing else has changed except for his not wanting to get married right now. I told him that from my perspective the whole point of moving is to get married, be with him, share life and rebuild our family together. His view is that I should be moving to have a better life. I believe a better life will come out of being with him. He says marriage will come down the road out of a better life.

Well, I feel as though another curve ball as come my way. I am trying to understand and be patient with Sam for his outlook right now. But I still feel a little betrayed since the tune has changed here. Part of the reason I made the decision to move in Dec. was because marriage was on the table. I have never believed in living together and know that is not a comfortable option for me.

If we move now it will seem like I am on trial or have to prove myself and in my opinion that is the backwards approach to take to this commitment together. It seems as though we should feel strongly about our intentions to one another before I move, not have me move and then see how things develop.

I have never questioned my feelings about Sam. What I have questioned has been having to move the boys at this point in their lives. Sam said he thought I would be settling by moving to be with him. I'm not sure why he feels this way now when some months ago he told me that I had to move since I had no other choice. Wasn't that settling back then? I've never looked at it that way. It is a difficult situation because of moving out-of-state with the boys having to transfer schools.

I still have no question of Sam's integrity or intentions. He told me he was speaking from the heart. He has always been a man of his word and I trust him. But it was painful for me to hear him say last night that it would be easier to split up if it doesn't work out if we're not married than if we are.

Now I feel as though a can of worms has been opened. If we relocate and it doesn't work out, it would be incredibly difficult to come back, especially from a financial position. I have to consider that too. I also have to come to terms with my indecision over this and how it has impacted Sam. But that is all part of the only parent curse. He has an ex-wife with whom to co-parent. I don't and that has resulted in much agony the past weeks.

I was in the common area doing laundry and met a lovely, grandmother also doing her wash. We got to talking and I told her a little about what is going on. She knowingly nodded her head and shared that she moved out of the area when her son was 17. He ended up running back to Chicago and lived with a friend. He was not going to school and she moved back to get him straightened out and in school again. She was like an angel sent to me, a gift. She related that it is a difficult situation with kids the ages of my boys and maybe all we need is some more time to adjust. Sam has suggested that maybe we give the moving another try at the end of the school year or summer and see if that will make it easier for the boys.

Sam told me he would send me what money he can to help out and that we will see how our relationship progresses with the distance between us. He is trying to be as open-minded as possible. But in the meantime I am still stressing to the max about finances and the fear of just not being able to make it here. My angel said that it is hard trying to make it on one's own without a spouse. It was so nice to be speaking face-to-face with someone who knows and understands. She told me I was lucky to have found someone. I totally agree.

Part of me just wants to run into Sam's arms tonight and say we will make it. It might be hard, there may be a period of adjustment but it will work out. I don't want to lose this man but as my angel said, I don't want to lose my sons either.

There would be no conflict here is Sam had remained in the area. His move out-of-state has been the monkey wrench. I feel angry and resentful about that. Why would the Universe bring me this guy and then have him move away? Why does this widow have to endure even more hardship? When will it ever end? What I long for is a life with a partner and some basic financial security. I don't understand why there has to be so much torment to reach that goal. I don't think I'm asking for all that much. I don't want to be rich, just secure. I just want a decent, nice man (he can have flaws and be imperfect). After traveling so long on roads that are rocky, unplowed and dangerous, it would just be nice to have one in front of me where there are no potholes - a smooth and easy drive, even for a little stretch.

Only Parent Curse

My husband was an only child as was his father and even his grandfather! My father's sibling was a brother and my Mom's a half-brother she was never close to and whom died in mid-adulthood. Besides my sister and two brothers there is not much family for me to rely on. I suppose in some ways that has been the reason for the new parenting style I adopted after my husband's death. I was always what you would describe a very affectionate, doting, and involved mom to my sons. But when I became an only parent my focus on the boys increased and I became an overprotective and extremely committed mother overnight.

There was no one else to share the parenting chores or worry - mainly the worry. That is what will end up eating you alive. Will the boys make the baseball team, will they pass their math class, will they be safe as they start driving, will I be able to keep them protected and happy on my own? It is a double-edged sword. Not having a partner or family to rely on forces one to take on more than is probably humanly possible. Knowing that you're the only one out there raising and caring about these kids makes one even more committed to the task.

It is very trying to be the only one making major decisions for your children. I have such a fear of making a wrong one. These boys have already gone through way more than most kids their ages will ever encounter. I agonize over my decisions because in the end, my greatest hope is that these boys will be spared more pain and suffering.

I now worry about the boys being able to get into college. What will they study? How will we afford it? What kind of future can I provide for these boys continuing to parent and live on my own? There is no ex-husband to call and say, "We need to meet at the school counselor's office to discuss Junior's bad attitude." Or, "I need some more help here. Can you take the boys an extra weekend so I can have some time to myself. I need to regroup and recharge."

There is such pressure on me to raise these boys to the best of my abilities. But when you can't share some of that responsibility it wears and breaks you down. That is where I'm at right now. No one to mull it over with, talk it out, decide together on the best course of action. Just me.

"It takes two to tango." "Two heads are better than one." Yes, I believe all those sayings. I'm so tired and worn out now. I'm not sure how much I can trust myself with those decisions I have to still make.

You care and care and look out for the kids (even bigger ones) and then there is no one to help you. Just a little bit is needed. A hug, being brought a cup of tea, having someone remember to pick up a needed item up from the store. It is like running around on empty all day, every day for weeks, months, years on end. I just have to keep going for a little longer - gas don't run out on me, we're almost there... And more often than not, the gas gauge IS on empty! There is always a sense of anxiousness inside me, almost a sense of dread. Running on empty, always trying to be ahead of the game to fend off the potential evil forces.

I have come to know that everyone needs someone sometime to lean on and rely on. It is a given. I have needed help and tried to find it but have been turned down. When I told my second husband that I needed help cleaning out the garage to start the house selling process he sneered at me and growled, "You are so weak and pathetic." When I needed help for food and medical insurance, I was turned down for making pennies over the predetermined financial requirements. When I got the job at the big box store it was accepted based on my being given extra hours but that fell through very quickly. The food pantry I went to didn't have enough food to pass out!

And here is some irony - in the new state Sam lives in we would all qualify for free or reduced health insurance without a hitch. We are close to the free qualification but if I had to pay it would cost me only $40.00 monthly compared to the #350.00 I am currently paying out-of-pocket! Is that a kick in the pants or a sign that I need to move?

The point of my ramblings is just that I think all of us have times when we need to lean more rather than having others lean on us. But sometimes it is hard or maybe even impossible to find that. Except I believe I have with Sam. But he has had to move and now the boys are sobbing and screaming and wailing and blaming me for having to leave their school and community. So what is my choice now? They are each getting 3 Fs at the new school and one F on the report card disqualifies them from playing sports for a full year. Here at home they were passing with Bs and Cs.

Sam has given me the greatest gift by calling me this morning and telling me that if I decided to stay here in Illinois he will support that and we will work out a sort of "visitation" schedule to be together on weekends. But he honestly doubts I can make this work financially on my own and it will be expensive to drive back and forth 400 miles on alternating weekends. That will fall into my job category since he works on weekends.

Do I force the boys to move and then deal with the consequences whatever ends up happening because I want to live with Sam and try to assemble some sort of family life for all of us?

I have prayed for my deceased husband and my Mom to please come to me with some kind of message and advice but none have come forth. I have begged the Universe for guidance and a sense of direction but again, nothing is speaking to me. No inner or outer voice. Except to hear the sobs of anguish from my sons. And I am the only one listening. The curse of the only parent whose frustrated cursing is also unheard.

Running In Place

This morning I went to my dermatologist to have him check out some growths on my thigh I became concerned about. Skin cancer runs in my family and I had a mole removed a couple years ago, also on my leg. I figured I needed to know whether I needed to be worried before canceling my health insurance. My doctor has been out of the country for the last month and a half so worrying about this has been in the back of my mind. It turns out the growths aren't even moles but are caused by insect bites. And that my doctor does not take my insurance anyway. He accepts Blue Cross Blue Shield but I have BCBS - Select and he doesn't take that one. So much for the $350.00 a month I am paying for health insurance. I can't afford it but am so fearful of not having it, especially because of my husband's long illness and then when my youngest got diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome.

While on the road, my bankruptcy atty. called me and we talked about my not being able to afford the filing right now. I have received two checks totaling almost $1,000.00 from the mortgage lender from when I sold the house. But I am unable to cash them because they are made out to the estate of my deceased husband (and with no will or estate set up my bank won't cash them). My attorney said he would prepare and file a small estate affidavit for me free of charge if necessary.

Then I went to State Farm to discuss options for car and health insurance. I want to suspend the ins. on my beater car and just start using the van. I also requested that my oldest be taken off the policy just for now, until I get a job. But apparently there were problems doing that. I still have to figure that out. My agent warned me to not cancel my health ins. before being accepted for another plan so I've kept the Blue Cross for now although I am starting to have panic attacks about not being able to afford it, having the payment bounce and then getting prosecuted for writing bad checks and then not being able to find work because I'll have a criminal record... Oh lord, the worry just doesn't cease.

I stopped by a local resource center to check into benefits. The food pantry had just closed but is open every Mon. and Wed. I am no longer ashamed to apply for any type of assistance.

I called up my old mortgage lender to see if they would reissue the checks but they will not because my husband was the only name on the mortgage. They suggested I stop by one of their facilities that operates as a bank. I did so but it turns out the place is not affiliated with the mortgage branch so they could not help me.

Then I seemed to remember having filled out a small estate affidavit at some time, so went to the storage shed and took stuff out and found a box of old records but no such affidavit. It was snowy and cold and I could not get all the stuff I took out back in so I ended up with storage boxes in the van and will have to figure out where to store them now because I am not going back to the shed any time soon. That was pretty depressing!

Sam called to tell me he was thinking of me and understands my low mood and feelings. He wants me to come over tomorrow and stay through Wed. as his son will be with him and he has to work Wed. The boys have found friends to stay with so I will go tomorrow. I told him we have to sit down and really discuss this move and whether or not it is going to happen. We also need to discuss finances and the whole nine yards. He agrees. I know he believes it best that I bite the bullet and move but he also gets my hesitation because of the boys.

During the afternoon I stopped by a large nursing facility to see what positions they have open for Nursing Assistants. There are some during the day shift, part-time only. When I got home, I spent a larger part of the afternoon than was fun tearing through my paperwork to try and find some old check stubs from the big box store that I need for the bankruptcy filing. With the move and all the crap in the storage sheds, it appears next to impossible to locate anything that I need. So I will have to call corporate for copies as I am not opening that storage shed until spring!

My oldest is sleeping over at a friend's. My youngest and I heated up the turkey and trimmings leftovers my friend gave us for the second time.

In the old days, just a few short years ago, a day like today would have been spent browsing at Barnes and Noble, eating lunch out and then seeing what was on sale at Talbot's. I would have struggled with the decision of whether or not to buy one or two sweaters, or maybe even three. Ah, the good old days.

I Don't Want to Hurt Anymore

All through this holiday season I have been not sleeping well and waking up with a migraine. The first thing I do upon arising, is pop some Xanax and migraine medicine. Obviously, this cannot go on. (And I only have four Xanax left anyway). I took a few days off forcing myself to not think about moving but have to now face reality. Hopefully, blogging my thoughts and emotions about this issue will bring some perspective and clarity.

The winter weather has also been throwing me for a loop. I hate it with such an intensity it almost scares me! I so wish I could look at the big fluffy flakes coming down even now with some sort of wonder. But all I see is treachery and danger. If the van skids and we even have a minor fender-bender I do not have the funds for repairs. I drive so cautiously - there is a pit in my stomach constantly because sometimes there is nothing you can do and an accident is caused by another driver. The cold and unsunny days do not help. I feel down and gloomy because I need sun and the brightness and hope it brings.

My girlfriend got another vehicle from her dad. He got her their van some years back. Now he gave them an older model car for the kids to use. My other girlfriend also got a vehicle from her father. Both of my friends are divorced and hold decent paying jobs. I struggle with jealousy and resentment that I ended up with a family unable and unwilling to provide even a smidgen of emotional support. My second husband also gave generously to his older divorced sister making $60,000 a year and receiving child support from her attorney ex-husband besides. I remember being amazed at this! And here I am a widowed Mom truly believing that if we wind up on the street, no one out there will give a damn!

I am angry and bitter that we've had to bear more than our share of hardship and grief. Becoming a widow at age 44 and being left on one's own to raise two boys is and should have been enough. But to have had to face family of origin issues, a child diagnosed with a serious heart condition, a divorce. loss of home and extreme financial issues besides has made it more than I can bear.

That is part of the reason I do not want to move. It would help enormously from a financial standpoint but part of my resistance comes from the fact that this would end up being yet another loss and at this point I am being stubborn and saying to the world, "No, I can't take anymore!"

Part of my attitude is crazy and immature. I am involved with a good, kind, caring, patient, decent guy whom I am strongly certain would make a suitable life partner. When we became involved I was adamant that I only see or date men from the area. I did not want to relocate. So what kind of cruel twist of fate is it that Sam lost his job related to the Recession and ends up taking the first and only position offered to him out of state?

Part of me is upset that he was thinking of saving himself financially and being closer to his son, who also moved out of state with the ex-wife over the summer. Sam insists there were no other options in regard to his taking this job and moving. He claims he was on the verge of being unable to pay his mortgage so he could not move in with me and keep looking for work here in Illinois. But despite these realities, I don't feel there was much consideration made for the ramifications of a move out of state for my sons, currently in their second and third years of high school here and very much entrenched and comfortable in their lives. That is about all we have had to rely on and count on these past years - a strong connection within our community and school. And now if we move, it will be losing a part of us that has been what has sustained us the most over the last few difficult years.

I am going to be honest and get out my next thoughts openly and honestly but they are whiny and petty. I don't like the town Sam has moved to. It is ugly and industrial and working-class. Now I know deep down this doesn't really matter. The people who live inside the houses are what count and so far everyone we've met in the town is extremely down to earth and nice. But I am mad at the world for the curve balls it keeps sending me. If you want us to move, fine but could it at least be a cute little town? And why of all possible situations could this move involve the boys having to go from a semester format to a trimester one in the school district? Talk about complications and difficulties.

The boys are not matched up academically to their courses and will lose credits and possibly fail some of their classes. That means they will not be able to play any sports the last years of high school and sports is what has sustained them since their Dad's death.

I am furious that life continues to throw us challenges. Why couldn't I have met a nice and decent guy who still lives here? Why does the right one have to move away? Does that mean he is no longer the right one? Will I ever find another man that can even come close to Sam if I let him go because I don't/can't move right now?

What do I want? I want to be remarried here. I want to get my sons through high school and started in college. I know the system here and the local colleges. In the other state I am clueless and not sure how to navigate the system. I should be grateful and relieved that I have luckily met someone I am compatible with. I have read many blogs where the writers bemoan that they're aren't any decent guys out there. And here I am almost on the verge of throwing one away because of my fears and inability to face more loss and challenges.

Yet if I stay the challenges remain and may even intensify. I worry on a daily basis about not being able to properly provide for my sons (basic necessities much less college). I need to find a job but am afraid that it might take longer than anticipated. I sit for the state CNA certification exam on 1/16. What if I don't pass it? We will face homelessness if I don't find a job soon. Even this month I will be forced to go to a food pantry because there is not enough money for food.

I don't want to end up alone and bitter and resentful because I am on my own. But I don't even have the energy to date or go out. I've been in a long-term serious relationship for almost two years now and it has provided me with support and consistency. Just not marriage. I don't want this relationship with Sam to end but I know he doesn't want to sustain a long-distance one.

What happens when both options are not what you really want? None is the perfect fit or truly right? I suppose the next step is to list the pros and cons of each. Both have their drawbacks. Both have some positives. But the main thing is that they both involve major losses and that is what I am trying to avoid at all cost. I can't go anywhere near more grief and pain. That is what is mainly causing me this distress and agony. More later. For now I have gotten some of it out and I'll take it from there.

Snowstorm

We have been holed up because of that horrific snowstorm that swept the Midwest this week. It all started Monday when the boys and I left late for the 200 mile drive to the new house/town/school. This was because it was my oldest son's 17th birthday and he wanted to go to his old school as his friends had celebrations planned and gifts to give. But I needed to get the boys back to the new school so too much work wasn't missed. Anyway, we started out late, 10:30 p.m. or so because my son was taken to Buffalo Wild Wings for a birthday dinner from his girlfriend. I was a bit concerned about starting so late because the storm was predicted but the snowfall wasn't supposed to hit until the morning hours. We reached it about midnight. And I then spent a white-knuckled three-hour drive on the highway with only semi trucks to keep me company.

I couldn't see the highway well because of the wind and drifting snow and it was so dark. All of us out on the road were only going 45 mph and the limit is 70. It was also the first snow of the season and so I wasn't that confident about my winter driving skills since they've been shelved the past eight months. But we got there in one piece.

Tue. school was canceled, as well as Wed. and Thur. So much for trying to get the boys there. Our town received over 12 inches of snow. Back home in Illinois, there were no school cancellations but I don't think they got the same amount of snow or the blizzard conditions to go along with the storm.

The boys behaved okay while at home. Sam was off on Thursday and home early another day because of the weather. Except for my youngest refusing to get out with us on Thur. to go to Walmart, there were no incidents.

I felt depressed, despondent and down (DDD) most of the time. I'd forgotten hair conditioner as well as my hair dryer so I said forget it to showering a couple days and even stayed in my pjs all day on Tuesday. I read and did some knitting (halfheartedly). We have never had Cable and on Tue. I spent the entire afternoon watching a Discovery Chanel program about ghosts that aired three episodes in a row. Then there was a program about some ghost busters going around the country and visiting the most haunted sites. Another day, all of us watched a quirky sci-fi monster film called Tremors starring of all people, Reba McIntyre.

Some of the DDD might have had to do with the weather. I absolutely hate the winter and cold and snow and dark. Plus we are in a home where there isn't much there that is ours so we are lacking what is familiar to us in terms of possessions. Then it is the holdiays and it is sad to not be able to decorate (since all my decorations are somewhere in a storage shed), or to have money to spend on gifts and good food. I spent a lot of time sleeping too, although I hope I can pass this off as making up for all the sleep I've lost over the past years.

Today the boys went to school but I had to deal with transferring records from the old school and doing so made me very dejected. I spent the morning in bed reading and was not motivated to get up and do anything like wash dishes and go through the large bag of old mail I'd brought with me. I needed to do some shoveling so we could get the van out of the garage and getting out into the cold sunshine and doing something physical felt good.

We took off for home for the weekend right after school since my last day at the big box store is tomorrow and my oldest is going to the Bears/Packers game this Sunday - the tickets were his birthday gift from his girlfriend. My youngest was snippy and negative the ride home. By the way, we saw 30 cars and trucks in the ditches within a 20 mile stretch of highway and 12 more after that - and this is two days after the storm! As we got closer to home my resistence to the move started to give way and I found myself questioning whether it really is in our best interests to move. So in addition to feeling BBB, now I am grappling with whether I should do my best to stay here, even though finances will be exceedingly tight. Both boys feel they are ruined scholastically since most of their credits won't transfer from their old school to the new one and all the work they have done this year will be wasted. They also feel very behind and frustrated with their new classes since they came in at such an odd time.

Enough of all this. I am weary and bone tired even though this week I didn't do much of anything. My head is spinning and I just want to go to bed. I spent a lot of my time thinking about the boys this week and my heart is breaking for the hardships they have had to endure. If only we could have made it until they'd finished high school. I am very angry at my husband dying when he did. We have suffered more than enough! Change is hard enough under better circumstances but coming off of so much grief and loss, it is hard for my sons and I to be positive about this move. I found myself feeling irritated and mad at Sam because he took the job out of state, even though I know it was a survival strategy. But still. I also felt homesick for what is familiar to me and known (and that was only spending four days at the new house and in the new town). I wish I had the personality where I felt excitement about this new beginning and all of that, but I just don't. It is part of my pessimistic nature, my age and all the loss that has just multipled the past years since my husband died. Is it possible for people experiencing grief to turn on a switch within to feel positive and upbeat about the changes they are facing, including the unknown? I personally just don't think grief, loss and change are a compatible combination.

Thanksgiving "Break"

I am taking the day off and purposely going to try and not think too much, process everything, figure out problems or fret about the future. I am just going to try and be - to keep my mind blank and neutral. A bit of a rest from all the turmoil swirling around my head and body. Unless they've had to grieve a terrible loss, I don't think others realize the amount of inner work going on inside our brains. There is constant motion, never ceasing. Over and over our minds say, "What if," and/or "I miss him so much," and/or "I just want my old life back" and/or "I don't think I can go on." Our inner pain seems endless because we can't turn it off. When we go to bed (if we can sleep), we sometimes end up having dreams or nightmares. We wake up thinking about our loss/losses, during the day these thoughts consume us and then at night we toss and turn in loneliness. No break. And then on top of the grieving thoughts we have to figure out how to do things we've never done before, we have to live in new and unfamiliar ways and we have to make backup plans. Talk about overloaded minds and brains!

Today I wish everyone a bit of a break and respite from the thoughts swirling around within.

And to those who will be with a grieving loved one or know one, please take a moment to see beyond the person in physical form. Recognize that there is so much going on within and take a moment to give an embrace and demonstrate some compassion, comfort and love. No words are necessary and a gesture can be as simple as bringing someone a plate of pie and coffee or gently touching their cheek or holding their hand for a moment.