What Next?

We live in a society where apparently wire tomato cages are no longer acceptable and colored ones need to be in our gardens. Are you kidding me? In today's economy they're producing products like this? We seem to be more concerned with "stuff" and less concerned with helping people, particularly woman, lead less stressed-out lives.

Here is my crazy story for the day. These past few weeks leading up to high school graduation have been a crazed, somewhat overwhelming stream of days and nights, one after the other, with no break for a breather. I was pretty tired today and after work lay down for a brief rest. I awakened at 6:00 with my youngest son in the shower. I figured it was Friday morning and that I had slept through the night although it didn't really seem I had.

My son asked for money, which I assumed was for lunch out. He said he and his friends were going to Taco Bell and I figured with the finals schedule, most kids have free periods or leave early and get lunch out. I noticed with some alarm that my oldest wasn't home - I asked my youngest where he was and was told he had slept over at a friend's. My youngest appeared to be leaving for school so I gave him some Fiber One Bars to take for breakfast. He took them without any word. As soon as he left, I called my oldest to be sure he would be at school for the graduation ceremony practice. He laughingly told me it was Thursday. It wasn't Thur. I informed him but Friday! We bantered back and forth a bit. No one mentioned that it was Thur. p.m. so I kept assuming it was still Thur. a.m.

I started to question my sanity. Where and how had I goofed up my week like this? I still believed it was Fri. a.m. and actually made a cup of tea and ate a granola bar for breakfast. I was about ready to jump in the shower to get ready for work when I made some more calls and finally figured out that I had only been asleep two hours instead of the entire night.

I was pretty relieved at this because what upset me the most about this entire mix-up was the fact that I thought I had to work two more days instead of only one.

What a strange and somewhat disconcerting experience. To be so busy and tired that you lose track of time and the days. And this has not been the first time something like this has happened. I lost an entire week back in January!

You'd think that with all our technology and advances in science and manufacturing that some attention could be directed toward reducing the stress and strain existing in our lives. I guess what I'm feeling is that instead of even MORE choices at the stores such as these tomato cages (which ARE cute, I agree but entirely unnecessary) that we need to reduce our choices. Anyway, that is just my opinion. That of an over-stressed, over-worked, over-tired mom trying to keep it together as we enter the final week before graduation.

I must say everyone is getting a good laugh out of this. Sam mentioned that I have seemed VERY tired the past few days and my oldest son commented that I was really out of it. The fact that I ate a granola bar with tea thinking it was the a.m. when it was the p.m. is very amusing to me. Might I recommend Nature Valley Crunchy "Oats 'n Dark Chocolate" - very tasty!

Being There

Doing those daily postings for the A-Z Blogging Challenge took a lot out of me. Also, there have been plenty of goings on with end-of-school-year activities, etc. I do okay with life when it doesn't throw any curve balls at me. But when I get hit with debit card fraud, baseballs hitting the windshield, on top of Prom and all the normal day-to-day functions, I seem to sink.

The debit card fraud was a big scheme that hit the Chicago area via Michael's, the craft store chain. Skimmers were put on the debit/credit card scanners, which is how they got my card and pin numbers. A number of stores in my area were targets - I had gone to two of them! Luckily, my bank did not allow the transactions to go through - in California at an ATM where they had made a phony card with my info. They tried to withdraw $500.00, then $300.00 and as a last ditch effort, $100.00 - all denied. But I was without a card for a week and had to keep running to the bank for cash.

The windshield on my son's vehicle was fixed on Friday. I am still dealing with insurance on that. I spent Mother's Day with Sam and had a nice meal out. We went to an Asian restaurant owned by a friend of his. She is a married mom of three with her oldest 13 and youngest 3. While we were there, Sam mentioned that his friend had confided in him that she is so tired, complaining of no time to herself, spinning her wheels, etc. "See, you are not the only one," he added. I just replied that it seems pretty much everyone in our society is tired these days. But his friend has a husband at home to confide in and pick up some of the slack. There IS a big difference when you are parenting on your own.

Driving home from Sam's, I listened to a radio broadcast about parenting teens today. The panel of church pastors talked about why parenting is different than in the past citing higher divorce rates, kids living in two homes, both parents working, living in such an instantaneous society. When asked what parents can do to counteract these pressures, being there, showing an interest in and attending the kids' activities was given as the top response.

I thought about that at the volleyball games I attended Monday and yesterday. It is tough getting home at 8:30 and then having to deal with laundry, homework and some kind of decent dinner. But I've made being there for my sons my #1 priority the past 10 years in an effort to raise them to the best of my abilities and to launch them into life as rounded, decent, caring, respectful young men and citizens of the world.

There is a huge sense of pride as I see what fine young men my boys have become. My oldest will be playing his original band composition next week at the final band concert along with it being Senior Night for volleyball. He is excited about starting college. On the volleyball court I see such a leader, not to mention his athletic and music abilities.

People tell me that when I look at other married couples and are envious of their union, to realize that their relationships might not be all that they seem. But I tell you, every marital problem and difficulty during the 12 years I spent with my husband (and there were plenty) do not compare in any way to the stress and strain I have felt as an only parent. I'd take all of those issues multiplied vs. the complications and hardships I've had to face raising these fatherless boys on my own. So that on top of the blog challenge and debit card fraud and windshield is just another aspect to my weariness.

But on Mother's Day, despite my exhaustion and all, I was reminded that as a mother I did what I felt was in my heart to do for my sons - I have been there. Granted the house has sometimes, well, most times, been pretty much of a mess - but I was there for two boys who needed their mom more than ever, and I should hold my head up for that with pride.

Crazy Life

Just wishing for a little peace and tranquility these days. The past weekend has been a bit crazy with Prom. Then my debit card was involved in fraudulent activity - someone tried to use it in California but my account was flagged and the account closed before any money was withdrawn from my accounts - thank goodness for that! But it is disconcerting to know that my info. was obtained including my PIN # - I guess I feel as though I've been violated in some way. Tonight at Knit Club another member had the same thing happen to her debit card over the weekend in California as well. We both use the same bank. I was glad to know it wasn't some weird curse on me - apparently a number of other folks in the community were targeted.

To top it off, my sons' vehicle was hit by a baseball during batting practice in the high school parking lot on Monday - the entire front windshield will need to be replaced and I'm still waiting to hear if the school will help with the cost - my insurance deductible is $500.00 so I'll be paying for it without insurance reimbursement.

Those events have kept me hopping. Need a little R&R and time off to myself. It gets so hectic at the end of the school year. And I honestly have come to believe that life's glitches are much easier to deal with when shared with a supportive partner - facing all this stuff on one's own is very tedious and wearing - physically and mentally.

Throwing in the Towel

Sometimes you have to just throw in the towel. I am thinking of the resolutions I had at the start of the year. I remember they seemed so simple and easy to achieve - to try and keep the sink clear of dirty dishes, to go through, organize and recycle my large stash of old magazines, to get through my backlogged unread emails now numbering in the 1000s.

Well, I gave it a good attempt, I really did. I tried doing dishes at night but was too tired. Then started to do them in the morning. Only then life sped up with show choir and college applications and the dishes started piling up again.

In January I made a huge effort at deleting all my old emails and within a weekend had gotten rid of 1000. But then the same old same old - no time for the computer unless to research or blog.

As for the magazines, my efforts there lasted about a day or two.

So in making the decision to throw in the towel, I have been using paper plates and cups which can at least be recycled. Last week during one of my numerous pharmacy runs to Walmart I found plastic storage containers that look like actual woven baskets and purchased enough for the bookshelf holding the magazines and now they are all in hiding and the shelf looks so much more neat and tidy.

As for the emails, well I'll try and see if I can devote some more time to that since the taxes and college financial aid apps are now completed. I know I have the option of just doing a massive delete job instead of going through them and maybe I should throw in the towel there too!

Shopping Story

Why do we have so many unsettling incidents at the check out line of the grocery store? Is it because when we are there we're usually stressed, hurried and out of sorts? I usually try my best to be on my best behavior at the grocery store. Meaning I'll give up my spot to a person with fewer groceries or a harried parent. I try to make nice uplifting compliments. But sometimes I do get upset when I'm behind a person taking forever or there is a price check delay. One checker actually sneered at the half-price items in my cart and haughtily told me she would never buy "at code" products for her family! I didn't get upset. Just replied that as long as I use or freeze an item by its at code date there is no problem with it. Then I avoid her line whenever I see her at the store.

My sister passed on this story to me some weeks ago. It was late Saturday afternoon and she was at a big local chain tired and irritable. The woman she was behind was taking forever with a cart filled with $200.00 of groceries. "And then she brought out a fist load of coupons!" my sister added. She observed that the woman was about 60 and looked as though she wanted to talk to someone. "As if that weren't enough, after the groceries were run up the woman gave the checker an assortment of cloth bags of her own with detailed and specific instructions to pack all the cold and frozen items together!" By this time my sister was not amused. But she decided to not give into her irritation and instead be more sympathetic.

She overheard the woman explain the need for the specific packing because when she gets home she is too tired to bring all the bags in and just gets the cold things in first. My sister felt an affinity and connection with this woman's admission because face it, we're all pretty tired. She thought the woman's packing idea was a good one and perhaps she should do it too.

I related that it is such a hassle for me to lug in groceries up to a second floor apartment that if the boys aren't home to help me, I too, just bring in the perishable items. Sometimes by the end of the week, my car looks like I'm living in it. It is actually pretty embarrassing. But there are times too, that I'm just too tired to make multiple trips to and fro from the car.

So I guess this rendition is a hope for us to be nicer in grocery stores. My sister said she felt so much better adopting a kind attitude vs. one that was critical. And I feel for all of us out there leaving canned goods in the car longer than necessary simply because we're too drained to bring them in. Just going to the grocery store is tiring enough for me, much less bringing them in and putting them away. Did I tell you that sometimes the groceries just stay in their bags on the floor until they are used...?

Hope

A Hectic, Hard, Hurry-Up kind of week. But it seems like I write about those subjects all the time so I decided to go with a different H word for the Blogging A-Z challenge - Hope.

There was a lot going on with volleyball throughout the week, then a huge show choir performance last night. One of the vb games was at the school my late husband taught at. So I asked my youngest son to go with me as a tribute to him, not just to see his older brother play. A. didn't really want to go but felt I would freak out if he didn't. He warned me not to do anything weird while at the game. We walked past Daddy's classroom and looked in the window, watched the game and I said a quick prayer to my husband hoping he was watching his oldest boy from above proudly even though they lost both games. It was emotional for me because my husband and I took the kids to a number of volleyball games there since he often went to school activities to support his students - and it was always cheap entertainment for us. Never did we suspect that one day our oldest would be captain of his volleyball team. At 6' he is one of the shortest members.

After the game it was late and we had to drive 30 minutes back home and get dinner going. I had hoped for a more meaningful experience but as always, life just scuttles on.

I was involved in making raffle baskets for the fund raiser for the show choir. This was a week where one night I fell asleep in my clothes, with all the lights on, having not brushed my teeth or washed my face. I Hate those nights.

Today my oldest was off to a vb tournament, which I did not attend because of the distance away. My youngest was working at the track meet at school but not running because his foot hurts. I thought I finally had some time to myself to clean our Home. That is all I wanted to do. Straighten up and establish some order to our living space since it looks pretty trashed from the past week. I had gone out to buy drain cleaner and was out doing other errands - no milk or tea in the house, when my youngest called for a ride home. I was in the car Heading Home and just turned around to the school. "Hurry up," he demanded. But when I got to the school he was no where to be seen. Typical. Then my son was famished from working outside a couple hours and we got him a Polish sausage meal with drink and fries from a cheap local mom & pop place - the meal was just $3.50.

Although all I wanted to do was go home and unclog one of the bathroom drains, my son begged me to take him to the mall so he could purchase a Build-A-Bear animal for his girlfriend. He will give it to her in some scheme asking her to Prom. I despise the mall. When we got there I couldn't find the Build-A-Bear and we walked the entire mall looking to see if it had moved. I saw the name of a store that sounded like it had potential - Furry Friends or something like that which turned out to be an actual pet store. Finally I asked a mall security guard and was told Build-A-Bear is no longer there. So that was a wasted excursion.

Which leaves me to the point of this post. A pretty draining week all in all. But when I finally got home I cleaned off the dining room table and put out a green pitcher I got from Goodwill for a dollar and filled it with some sprigs of spring flowers I picked up on sale at JoAnn's. Despite the Hardships and Hassles, I have to try and see the Hope out there. It was a tough week, but they all seem to be tough and tiring and no doubt will for another year or so. I really have to make a point of focusing on Hope rather than the difficulties.

This week my oldest played more volleyball than I can keep track of - he performed in a wonderful show choir event - and we had an opportunity to be at my Husband's school because my oldest was playing there. I got milk at the grocery store but forgot the tea. But I did manage to clean off the dining room table and it looks nice with the flowers on it. And that is Hope. And tomorrow I'll do more cleaning after I run out for a box of tea.

Recharging/Replanting Needed

I feel like I can't win. I complain that I don't have a social life, yet am too tired to participate in one. I've been invited out for drinks and dancing tomorrow night with my new friends from the complex, but now want to just stay home and watch Dateline. It is the end of the week and as usual, so much going on between work, show choir, school, dr. visits, picking up prescriptions, making dinner, doing laundry...

My son will be performing on local t.v. tomorrow and has to be at school no later than 5:45. I am at the dry cleaner every other day to make sure his multiple show choir costumes are clean and pressed! Then on Sat. the group will be performing locally. I plan on being at the contest all day and am looking forward to it. But again, I'll have to see my son off early in the a.m., etc.

The nice people who have invited me to join them tomorrow are not currently raising children and some do not work. Still, I feel so guilty for not wanting to go out with them. Well, I'll rephrase that. I'd like to join them but I'm so tired and not in the mood for a crowded bar/restaurant type place with loud conversation, drinking and dancing.

I hate that widowhood brings with it all this new stuff to worry about. When I was married, on Friday night it was a given that my husband and I would just be at home relaxing with the kids. It was happy, comfortable family time. We let down our hair and just were ourselves. Now I have concern that I'll be offending these people and can't understand why it is so hard for me to do what I want to do which is to stay home and relax after a hectic week.

I guess the right way to define it is that widowhood has made my life so much more complicated as illustrated by just his one example. I am trying to make a valiant effort to only do things that I want to do and if my heart isn't in an activity I'm not going to force myself. As lovely as it would be to go out and socialize, I'm not a machine or robot. My battery has run down and recharging is needed. Yet I still struggle with that internal voice that tells me I have to be superwoman and make new friends and get out there and do the Friday night social thing... Many women struggle to say "no." Widowhood doesn't make that trait disappear, although I sure wish it had given me more strength to not care so much about what others think and pay more attention to my own feelings. I have found that widowhood has made me more sensitive to the opinions of others. I am constantly justifying my actions and thoughts. You'd think that the hardships I've faced would have toughened me up a bit. Funny that it hasn't worked out that way. I can already feel myself wavering and considering going just for one drink or just for an hour...

Widowhood + Parenthood = Crazyhood

Have been running around in circles the past week. Just so much going on with the boys and no free time. Wanted to post about Valentine's Day and some other topics. Hoped to have a few moments to myself but surprise, surprise, tonight is a band concert I didn't know about until this afternoon! Good news though! My oldest was just accepted into the number one college of his choice so we are celebrating the news. I am going to the concert because it will be one of the last I'll attend as a high school parent. Blogging can wait another day until tomorrow.

Lost Time

Here is a funny story. Well, not so funny too. I was going through old mail and came across a brochure for a weekend singles religious retreat. I kept thinking about it and decided to attend and became very excited about the opportunity. The group was for singles over 35 and although I thought I might be one of the older ones attending I was really looking forward to thoughtful Biblical study in front of a roaring fire and taking part of the free time activities offered including sledding and ice hockey. I was especially excited about the sledding part.

I went on line to register and saw that the registration was closed. But checking my calendar saw that I was still within the time period for registration. I figured that maybe the event was filled and decided to call the church after work to see if there was still a way I could attend.

When I got to work I realized that instead of it being the 19th of January, which for whatever reason was the date I thought it was, it was actually the 26th! The retreat registration was closed because the retreat had already occurred - last weekend! Where was/is my head? Part of me was questioning the dates with my mind thinking that it actually was later in the month. But somehow with all that was happening mid-month I lost a week.

I bring this up to shed light on the fact that those dealing with loss do suffer from strange mental relapses. Our minds are on overload trying to cope with grief AND manage the daily events of living which just don't stop. Yet the world expects us to continue functioning on all gears when some of the gears are shut down.

I can laugh at this strange occurrence but I do feel sad that I lost an opportunity to attend an event that would have been I am sure a good experience. It makes me realize that I'm ready to venture more out into the world and to start living much more actively than I have been. Or maybe its not that I am ready, it is just with the boys being older and more independent that I have the opportunity to start venturing out more. There will be other retreats and I will continue to meet more people.

I attended the knit club last night and am amazed at how much good it is doing me and how much I look forward to it all week long. I am knitting more and have met some interesting women. Last night one of the women asked me why I hadn't been more active on internet dating sites and I told her that when I've been on them, very few men have responded with interest to me. She was surprised and said she had a hard time believing that because I am "absolutely adorable!" I don't think anyone has ever described my looks like that - it must be my new cute haircut and glasses. The other week one of the women remarked that I look like a younger woman's sister who is very cute. I asked this young and pregnant woman how old she is guessing she was 31, which indeed she was. My comment back was how much of a compliment that was since I am 20 years this woman's senior at 51! And to be told that we could be sisters.

Those compliments on my appearance are so appreciated and needed. I don't get much feedback on how I really look and it was a huge boost to my ego. Makes me walk with an extra spring in my step and smile at the world more. I definitely see how much I have been missing not having social time out with the girls or a strong social network in which to interact with. We all need to hear compliments, to be told our knitted cowl neck warmer looks great, to hear we made someone's day... Better late than never. I have to cut myself some slack and to realize that with all that has gone on in my life it wasn't that possible to enter out socially until now. The time is now right and I am ready too. Both have to be in sync.

Laundry Stacked to the Sky

Dialogue from "To Have and to Hold" by Jane Green:

"I feel so happy that I don't have to go into Manhattan anymore and stand next to Joe making boring small talk with the boring wife of one of his clients, and then five minutes later I'm terrified. I can't believe that I'm going to be a divorcee, that I'm never going to wake up and see Joe lying next to me. THAT THERE ISN'T ANYONE TO STAND UP FOR ME, OR STEP IN FOR ME, OR TAKE OVER WHEN THINGS GET TOO DIFFICULT."

"I know," Emily says. "That's the bastard about being single. You have to do everything yourself. But on the plus side, you haven't got anyone telling you what to do. You can eat Ben & Jerry's for breakfast, lunch and supper if you want."

Alice snorts. "If you want what? If you want to grow into the size of a house?"

I am snorting too. I'm too tired, drained, discouraged and disillusioned most of the time to do anything fun for myself anyway. What is the point? I'd much rather be sharing life with a partner right now taking out the garbage on a shared basis than have a choice of whatever I want to eat.

This week I have to figure out how to get the van towed and looked at for a repair estimate. The sedan needs to be repaired as I have to drive my son to a talent competition at the end of the week about 300 miles away. Arrangements need to be completed for that - what my son will wear, etc. and plans for having a place to stay for my youngest while we're gone. I still need to figure out if we'll stay over in a hotel or make the trip in one day. Have to work Mon - Fri on my feet, the boys have finals this week, and I want to go through some of my father's things as his memorial service is on the 16th. Also need to figure out financial aid applications for my oldest - gosh, I hope that can be postponed to next week!

All of that and still I need to do laundry, make dinner, shop (although maybe this week we'll rely more on fast prepared options). How am I going to drop off the sedan and then get to work? I'm hoping the guys at the body shop will drive me but then there is the need for a ride back to the shop from work. It is too long a distance to walk.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with too many decisions to make and too much to do. Now is the time I could use that help Jane Green refers to - someone to step in for me to give me a hand.

The above photo is just one of the piles of laundry currently in our home. This is of the boys' clothing. We have another of towels, my stuff and a huge bag of white socks that I seem to never get to - it just stays in the closet. At $3.00 to do a load of wash, I ration it out, doing what has to be done. Then there is the issue of getting a chance to do the laundry anyway, as it seems whenever I go downstairs both machines are occupied. In my home, I had a super capacity washer and dryer - these machines don't allow me to fill them with half of what I'm used to.

Today, I've managed to get two loads done despite having to wait until late afternoon for a free machine. I plan on doing another load so the laundry basket stacked up halfway along the wall and pictured above will be greatly reduced.

And with that I sign off. It is so cold and dark and I am tired and just want a day where there isn't so much to do, plan, think about and decide by myself.

Cookies, Donuts and Other Ramblings

Today was a rough start to the day. The van had trouble starting, my youngest kept imploring that he had to get to school earlier than usual, and the van needed to be scraped. In all the hustle and bustle, my oldest left the lunch I made for him at home and sent me a text which said if I couldn't drop it off at school he'd "find" food. But good mom that I try to be I dropped it off at 10 a.m. It was amusing for me to see that there were about 20 other lunch bags sitting on the counter in the office, and the secretary told me it had been a bad day for kids forgetting their lunches. So I got a hearty laugh out of that. Still, the incident took a little bit more out of me. Always doing, always running. Little time for rest or restoration. Pulling up the slack when it is needed like when kids forget their lunches. Busy mornings happen to us all. Today was one of ours. But sometimes I just want someone to do something for me. Just pick up the slack for me once in awhile, especially when I'm feeling drained and weary - and I might add a little grumpy too.

Which brings me to the topic of cookies. I was given a Christmas gift that is made up of cookie baking items; flour, sugar, sprinkles, vanilla and the like. This person meant very well and was so excited to give me an opportunity "to bake Christmas memories with my sons!" I hate what I am going to end up saying here but I don't want to make any cookies right now. I have all this stuff in my pantry already and am too tired to mess up the kitchen any more than the messiness it already exhibits.

Any task that involves extra work or steps right now is a total turn-off to me. I wish someone would just give me some cookies. I don't want to have to go through the process of making them. It is kind of like being given a bunch of yarn and told to knit your own scarf. I know not exactly the same but similar to how I feel about this. I need more relaxation and simplicity in my life right now and already made is just fine in my book! Personally, for me, standing at the stove making sure the cookies don't burn and putting them in the oven at 10-minute intervals is way more stressful and far more relaxing to me is the image of opening a box of holiday themed cookies and sitting down with one with a cup of tea.

I wonder if I could pass on this bounty to my son's girlfriend with the instructions that the two of them spend some time in the kitchen baking me a batch of cookies that they can then give to my as my gift! Now there is a thought! Let the young folk enjoy baking since they haven't been doing much of it in their lives yet, and leave the tired, drained moms out of it.

On another note, the nice knitting friend I've made emailed last night to see how I've been and to ask if I am going to start taking some Library Assistant classes. She told me it is one of the best things she has ever done and wanted to encourage me to consider it. She totally understood my reasoning and hesitation for not wanting to start the group in December. I was reminded again of how we "think" in similar ways when she wrote about taking a knitting class to learn a new technique. She said it was one of her New Year's resolutions and that she only believes in making resolutions that involve new learning or exploring. No forbidden eating or restrictive diets for her! And I totally agree with that. Resolve to do new things, take chances, explore different possibilities rather restricting yourself and telling yourself what you can't do. Then punishing yourself when you fail besides. For years one of my ongoing resolutions has been to teach myself how to juggle. This past year, one of my resolutions was to make donuts (not cookies) because I've never made them and wanted the challenge. I have failed to fulfill these resolutions. Maybe when I get away for a few days over the holidays I'll bring my How to Juggle kit with me and Sam's son and I will spend some time trying to learn - he might enjoy that. As for the donuts, a deep fryer and a waffle maker remain on my wish list. I could try frying the donuts in a pan. What the heck? I'll add that to the possible ideas of what to do on a cold, winter day for cheap entertainment. Maybe some of that flour and sugar will get turned into donuts!

Just Eat the Kit Kat!

A low-key Halloween. Wanted to do more decorating and crafts but should be grateful that it was an improvement from last year, where I did nothing. At least there was a wee bit of evidence of the celebration around and all fall I have been doing a fair share of baking seasonal treats which was nil last year.

Most recent recipe - just take a small can of pumpkin puree and mix it with a box of Devil's Food or chocolate cake mix. Don't add anything else like eggs or oil. Batter will be stiff. Spoon into 12 greased muffin tins and bake for 20 minutes at 400. These come out very thick and moist. The taste of the pumpkin is not overpowering. Calories = 180 per muffin but I also added one cup of chocolate chips, which I add to pretty much everything I bake. I have seen this recipe on the internet and magazines, it is from the Hungry Girl cookbook. Didn't believe these would turn out but they were great and stayed moist for days!

The boys have told me I've baked enough pumpkin recipes for the season. Today, in honor of Halloween it is traditional to eat donuts, which used to be a mainstay at Halloween parties in the 1930s and 40s. So this morning we had chocolate and apple cider doughnut holes. I make a point of serving donuts on Halloween. The apple cider ones were especially tasty!

The day was sunny but brisk. Took my nature walk and could smell that pungent, spicy odor of burning leaves. Sprayed pumpkin body spray from Bath & Body Works for the full seasonal experience. Apparently they didn't sell this fragrance this year or the apple one they had a few years back so I'm glad I still have some left.

Last night my youngest slept over at a friend's but my oldest and I stayed up until 4:00 a.m. watching one of the "Chucky" doll horror movies - I'd never seen it but my sons both have. It was fun and out of the ordinary.

Part of my mind keeps dwelling on everything I didn't get done that I wanted to. But then I look at this entry and see that it wasn't so bad. The boys created decent costumes and went trick or treating and to parties with their friends. We had some treats. My oldest son's girlfriend is wearing the warm scarf I knit for her out tonight and it is warding off the chill. This is not the same Halloween we would have had living in our home or if my husband were still alive. But it was something. Low-key.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new month. I think I better start planning immediately for Christmas!

Final comment - Just eat the Kit Kat bar. All week I have seen, heard and read healthy substitutions to make for your favorite candy. It's Halloween that comes once a year. Enjoy and eat whatever your favorite is and don't give it another guilty thought!

A Widow's Work is Never Done

My oldest son had a band concert last night. He rushed home from football practice, I made sure his uniform was clean, complete and in good repair, prepared a light meal for him and arranged to get him back to school an hour before the concert started. I told him that I wanted to drive together to save gas. He felt sorry for me having to wait the hour before the concert but I told him I'd use the time to knit, which would be a treat for me.

Turns out though, that in the mad rush to get my son taken care of, I couldn't locate the skein of yarn needed for my project and left with a book and picture search magazine instead. I was disappointed. My life always feels this way. Rushing to and fro and just never quite getting it all together.

Once at the school, I spent some of the free time going to my son's locker to see the spirit posters that have been put up by the pep club during the football season. I walked around the hallways a bit and observed some of the photos they have up of my son - a band picture, one of him at a pep rally surrounded by cheerleaders and when he was the first junior last year in 10 years to be crowned Mr. "High School."

What 's funny is as soon as I entered the auditorium and sat down, my eyes immediately fell on two women in front of me happily knitting away. I also noticed that they were seated next to hubbies, so they probably had time to locate their knitting projects before rushing out the door to attend the concert! But yes, I felt a tinge of envy as I watched their needles clicking away and longed for my own needles in my hands!

I enjoyed the concert very much and wasn't as upset about attending alone as I usually am. This is my son's senior year and I'm trying to focus on that and supporting him as best and fully as I can. I was so proud of him up on stage, so handsome in his tux and as the section leader. Although it has been a trying challenge for me to keep living here, the benefits my son has received from football, band and even being crowned the king of the school last year have been worth it.

Tonight was the football team's first playoff game. It was supposed to only be in the 30s and I did not want to sit alone in the bleachers so I drove over to the parking lot early to snag a spot facing the field so I could watch the game from the car. It got cold by 4th quarter even in the car but was much better than being outside.

I solved the knitting situation too. For a few weeks now my son has been reminding me that his girlfriend asked me to make her a fall scarf. Last Christmas I made her a number of scarves, mittens and a ski band. I almost laughed at my son when he told me his girlfriend wanted a scarf for fall. Me knit her a scarf? When, with what free time? Tonight sitting in the car during the game I got through over half of one for her so fit in my knitting fix. But it is so nice I want one for me too - she specifically requested one with a slit so she can tuck the ends in around her neck. I'm going to sign off now so I can try and finish it for her so she can get it tomorrow.

The team won the game so they move on in the playoffs and there is a pancake breakfast at the school we need to attend tomorrow morning. A busy week. I need to remind myself that it is just me holding down the fort and getting these kids to these events, as well as attending them. I am herewith making a request right now (putting my order in early) for the Heaven that consists of living in a combined knitting and book store attached to a tea cafe, so I'll never be without a book or project and cup of tea when I reach the hereafter - to kind of make up for the disheveled life I currently lead here on earth!

When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

What happens when your best isn't good enough? Didn't all of us learn that growing up? "Just do your best, that's all we can ask/expect of you." "If you do your best, you can be satisfied with your performance." Well, I guess that notion is a bunch of bunk when you're a widow. When did all these rules/beliefs change?

At work the other day, a resident complained to me because of the time it took me to get to him in the morning. I had 16 demanding residents that day and was not having an easy time of it. That group of residents is one of the two most difficult in the nursing home. I told the man that "I was doing my best." He said, "Then your best isn't good enough."

These words really stung me and I've thought about them since. What happens when your best isn't good enough? What does that mean? Am I a failure? Worthless?

The nursing home job bears such similar aspects to my widowhood life. It's a tough, challenging, tiring job and when I'm there I sometimes feel as though I'll never get the job done. I get behind and have trouble keeping up. Obviously I need to get a new job asap. And if I could, I would give my notice immediately but we need the money I am earning there too much in the meantime. I get home after working 9 hours on my feet and am so physically exhausted I can barely walk. On my days off I do my best to tend to the shopping, cooking and such.

I have trouble keeping it all together at home. It feels as though I am never caught up. But I'm trying my best and my hardest. And I still can't make it. So I repeat that question again. What if your best isn't good enough?

Another One Bites the Dust

My close girlfriend's ex-husband just lost his job. He was the Art/Advertising Director for a family owned mid-sized Chicago area company. Been there about 8 years. Here is the deal - two, young people have been hired to replace him, each at half his salary. So the company is getting two employee's basically for the price of one. This concept blows me away! Now we've got another talented, experienced 50-year-old dad with kids in college out of work. Way to go world, economy and recession! He is getting paid his salary until August so has some income for the next three and a half months. But still.

I went to a job fair today at a nursing home. The experience sobered me. It had a meat market feeling to it - they interviewed three of us in the same room, at the same time. I was told that this was a screening interview and they'd get back if interested within the next day or two. There weren't tons of applicants there, and I was glad I made the effort to go and get out there. I don't think I impressed the young woman interviewing me. What I felt afterward was gratefulness that I even have the crappy job I have now. It is brutal out there.

I am trying to pump myself up with kudos that only weeks after moving, I went back to school for a short-term program that I knew would get me work. And I did find a job within a month of my starting to look. Granted, this is not the be all, end all job of my life. But it is respectful and honorable work. What I am beginning to realize is how hard it will be to procure a job in my professional field. What you need in this job market is lots of time and energy - both of which I have little of right now. I think too, that emotional support from family, friends or a partner is also key. It is so easy to get discouraged and depleted looking for work in this environment. And that is another strike against my situation.

I need to build up my base of contacts again and want to take a class at the community college this summer because that has been a way that has always done this for me in the past. But again, the lack of time is the monkey wrench. Today's excursion took a big chunk of my day off from work and all that needs to be done at home is still waiting to get done. BIG SIGH.

Another recent goal that has to be attained is my getting my counseling credentials updated. I have no clue how to go about this and taking a class would expose me to other people in the same boat. Plus, I could get assistance/guidance from the class instructors.

Well, those are the current goals that are being formulated for now. Just another hurdle in the life of a middle-aged widowed mom with two active teen boys. I do get so frustrated with the busyness of life and the reality that there just isn't enough time in which to get it all done. There is calling the school for various issues related to attendance and class registration, dealing with doctors and the pharmacy, making sure kids have clean clothes and sports uniforms.

So many people out there are struggling with the recession and job loss. I have read that every adult in our country knows someone out of work. Tough, challenging times are best faced with support and strength in numbers. I am feeling so depleted and drained working and trying to find a better, more suitable position. While the prospect of moving forward with taking a class and getting my license in order is stimulating and positive, the reality of it also overwhelms and frustrates me.

This widowhood gig is already a job. I feel as though all I ever do is work and worry. It is tough to juggle so many responsibilities single handed and then have so little free time or a chance to recoup/relax. Working outside the home is a job on top of another job already in place. Living with a partner would undoubtedly make the everydayness of life much more manageable. I will kiss the ground my future husband walks on if I am fortunate enough to someday remarry (I'm totally serious). For those with partners, please be grateful for the fact that household jobs and tasks are divided to some degree. And to have someone to talk to at day's end about the job fair and job hunting plans is immeasurable. Don't take your marriages and the perks that go along with them for granted.

Sink Full of Dirty Dishes

Humor me, or better said, I am humoring myself. These past few weeks my senses seem heightened in regard to widowhood. I've been having a tough time, perhaps because my new job involves so much physical strain. And I was pretty sick. Not a good combination when you're living and parenting on your own and you're the kind of person who needs a shot of support from a partner on a regular basis. Or at least a partner with whom you're snuggling next to at day's end.

The dirty dishes sat in my sink over the Easter weekend, which also included Monday. Tuesday was my day off. But now my youngest was sick. He'd been ill with similar symptoms to mine and my older son all Spring Break. But he seemed harder hit with throat ailments. My day off on Tue. was spent taking my oldest to the dermatologist and then the youngest to check out his condition. Turns out he has Mono. At 6:00 p.m. I was 12th in line at the pharmacy at Walmart and by 7:00 home and exhausted, AGAIN. The dishes were still sitting in the sink and by now I had no clean pans in which to cook dinner. Anyway, I was too tired to cook and I knew that I'd be up at 4:00 a.m. the next morning to go back to work. So it was a cheap Taco Bell dinner for us all.

Widowhood reminds me of a sink full of dirty dishes. It is ugly, gross and even starts to smell with the passage of time. It is hard to ignore because it is such a vivid reminder of what is and it sure makes its presence known, like when some fruit flies appeared.

I tried cutting myself some slack. As an only parent sometimes there is only so much that can be done. It was a Taco Bell dinner night, so be it. My oldest is not home due to his volleyball commitments and the youngest far too sick to stand at the sink doing dishes to help out. Anyway, with everyone so ill the past three weeks, I felt better doing them myself since I knew I'd do a better job.

But still, I was increasingly upset with the dishes teasing and taunting me. On Easter, I was so physically tired I couldn't stand after my shift. That has been a problem - getting off work and not even being able to tackle the chores at home - the laundry has also been piling up.

I figure in time my body will adjust to the physical work load but I'm 50, not 25 and not as chipper as I once was. The dishes sat until my next day off on Thur. and got done and the laundry was started (I started tackling them Wed. afternoon). My youngest only went back to school on Friday - he was out four days. Now I wonder if it was really Mono that I had when I was sick. I remained ill for three weeks and am still not feeling entirely up to snuff!

Some of this relates to the adjustment of going back to work and I believe only parents face their own set of issues related to balancing work and parenting on their own. There is a tremendous amount of energy spent figuring out the logistics of getting kids to and fro.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for my boys and I have always put their needs ahead of mine. But still, it felt hard and tedious being at doctor offices all day. I didn't get a chance to recover from working so hard the previous three days and the next day I was back at it. Nothing got done in terms of chores or housework.

I hate that widowhood robs me of choices - there wasn't another option for me - unless I wanted to collapse at the sink those dishes weren't going to get done. And so they continued to sit there and mock me. Now really, what positives exist in a sink full of dirty dishes? Absolutely nothing as far as I can determine. Likewise, with widowhood. What good has come out of this for my sons and I? Maybe our characters have become stronger and we are more compassionate individuals but that is it. And anyway, we were probably strong and compassionate to begin with to some extent. And there are still plenty of other ways to build up character besides tragedy.

It is becoming impossible for me to accept the limitations and realities of this life of widowhood. I am aware that until I am not widowed and living alone, I will not be content and I will continue to feel this vast void. Trouble is, I'm just too tired/lethargic to get back out there to start rebuilding social connections and there doesn't seem to be enough time either. So for now, I'll try to keep more on top of the dishes so they don't pile up in the future and become overwhelming and ready to topple over.

Time

TIME: The perception of time, lack of time, beating the clock, deadlines, time heals all wounds, free time, time line myths, schedules and time for change.

The following insights come from my experience as a widow. I'm not sure if others have had similar experiences. I am relating them now because they have frustrated me. And I'm trying to get a handle on them so I can make some positive changes in dealing with these issues.

1. First of all, since I have been widowed and stopped working outside the home, people seem to assume that I have loads of free time. There doesn't seem to be any recognition or sympathy toward the fact that in losing a helpmate, I now have to handle a job previously handled by two. The sad part of the matter is that when there is more on your plate to handle, you're also more tired and consequently the jobs getting done are not up to your usual standards. There is a lot of just making do or getting by. You also have to figure out how to handle a lot of jobs and duties you don't know how to do because in the past, your spouse took care of them. It is frustrating. Also, suddenly having to worry about everything on your own takes up time because you have to figure out new ways to plan and do things.

Maybe this misconception comes from the fact that people don't see what is going on inside our homes. They don't see the piled up laundry, the stacks of bills, the weariness that exists in our souls from managing all of the shopping, cooking, lawn work, car maintenance and child care. So while I haven't worked outside the home for much of my widowhood, the work load within my home and life has increased. There has been minimal time off for relaxing or down time which is another matter as well.

2. Despite the time constraints of having to fit too much into a day that is too short, the world still expects us to meet all the established deadlines. I have also found that with people it is the same thing. I'm expected to go out with someone or meet with them according to their time frames and schedules. Rarely has anyone expressed an interest in trying to accommodate my schedule. When my husband died I lost the power of two and the power of being in a couple. I honestly believe that I became diminished in importance, value and worth since I am alone. As a result, people have been less polite and respectful to me. In a way, it has sometimes felt like people could walk all over me because my husband wasn't around to "protect" me.

3. My grief intensified over time. The first year it was centered around shock, disbelief, fatigue and pity. In the second and third years, my grief matured into a greater realization of what the boys and I had really lost when my husband died. In the beginning, you don't have the perspective of time to really acknowledge this. And the world believing that popular myth that we should be over our grief in a year, isn't around to help support us when we really need it. Maybe for some of us, the second and third years out are when the real grief work starts. Not to say that the first days, weeks and months of grieving are not important. Looking back for me at least, the grief I experienced and had to work through was far more difficult after the first year. Then there are the losses that come with the passage of time. Maybe financial hardship, loss of a home, having to relocate...

To be fair, part of the equation factoring into all of this is that by nature I have always been a non-complaining, people pleasing "Yes Man." But as I continue to navigate the widowhood road I am gaining strength to be able to state my needs and wants more securely. I have the power to say, "No, Saturday night is not a good time to meet. We're going to have to set another time." I'm no longer reluctant to refuse to participate in car-pool duty. There are other parents out there with greater flexibility and ease to pick up those duties for the parents like myself holding the short end of the stick. And I am more confident in stating what for me is my reality. That even if a number of years have passed since my husband died, it doesn't mean that I have gotten over it. Nor does it mean that I can face new losses like a divorce and losing my home with greater ability and ease. Through this blog and in my interactions with the people in my life, I am trying to paint a picture of what it is like to live with grief and loss. Maybe it is not a pretty picture and maybe people feel uncomfortable knowing that a cloud of loss surrounds me. But I will stand tall and tell it like it is. No longer will I just nod my head and say, "I'm fine." If someone asks or even cares, I will speak my truth: "I am facing and working through a number of major losses that came at me in a short period of time that resulted in me feeling great pain, and I am doing the best I can to go on living a happy, meaningful and productive life while I regroup, catch my breath and figure out where to go from here."

If the world isn't willing to cut me some slack for circumstances largely beyond my control, then I suppose it is up to me to stand up for myself and my needs. I only wish it had not taken me six long years of wearing myself ragged to reach this point!

I am grateful for:

1. The time to write this post.
2. The time to do the dishes in an overflowing sink.
3. Alarm clocks.
4. Bit and pieces of free time granted during the day here and there.
5. The sacred time before bed for reading a few pages.

It's Okay to be Sad

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day at the storage sheds, moving items from one into the one I just cleaned and organized. By day's end, I was utterly physically exhausted and also depressed. It was long, tedious work and during the process, I just kept seeing all my pretty things in such a cramped and ugly setting. Pretty things aren't so pretty anymore when they're stacked up in a concrete, cold, garage. I thought a lot about moving from our home and that brought on feelings of sadness.

The day's work was in such contrast to the actual day. Very breezy but warmer and sunnier than what we have had. I certainly did not want to be breaking my back on such a rare late autumn day - but first things first. You have to do what needs to get done. Afterward, there was grocery shopping, monitoring the boys as they went out and doing laundry. I felt out of it and so tired I could barely stand.

This morning my low feelings continue. I have to work the afternoon until 8:00 p.m., which I am not looking forward to because I still cannot wear a closed shoe comfortably on my right foot. But really, I just don't want to go. I want to play hooky and have a few hours to myself to think, reflect and contemplate a move and marriage. And to have time to not think, reflect and contemplate all that.

I woke up before 6:00 to get my son off to his club volleyball tournament and then did the homework for my clinical tomorrow. Laundry is being done and I'll make chili for the boys to have for dinner. As I do all this I've been fighting my sadness but then thought why shouldn't I be sad right now? Working on the storage sheds probably triggered it but there are other reasons to be sad too - lack of free time, being tired, juggling only parenting with a job and school, worrying about finances and figuring out what is best for all of us in regard to moving. And there is still that remaining undercurrent about my husband's death and the divorce. Today I just told myself that it is okay to feel sad - even with it being another nice late autumn day (a rarity).

Today I am grateful for:

1. The fine fall day.
2. That I found my son's extra pair of volleyball shorts in the dryer from last night where they'd been left (good thing I did another load of laundry in the morning).
3. Having a storage shed to put my belongings in that don't fit into the apartment.
4. That I have extra belongings to put into a storage shed.
5. That I can walk despite having had a box fall on my foot.

When it Rains it Pours

I find weeks like the one I've just survived, challenging for me. I think the widowhood component really plays a hand in it all. Juggling too many things, physically and emotionally tired, not getting enough sleep, "only" parenting, worrying on top of everything.

Last Sunday I spent the day at the storage shed and dropped a heavy box on my right foot. I've been in significant pain since and have had to wear a slipper, as my foot and toes are swollen and terribly bruised. I went to the doctor who wanted me to get an x-ray but the week has been so crazy I've skipped that. I started my Certified Nursing Training, with classes meeting an hour away Tue., Wed. and Thur. during the day. Then on Tue. night my oldest had a band concert. I drove my son's drum set to guyfriend's house because it took up so much space in the storage shed. That took two trips (two evenings since he lives an hour and 15 minutes away). In my free time I read the text book and studied for an exam. And I met with my attorney to discuss the option of filing for bankruptcy and I delivered various tax and financial documents. As if all this wasn't enough, I had to give the apt. a good cleaning because they were doing a maintenance check on Wed. and would come in while I was in class - I hate that - not being home when someone will be there! But wait there's more! The "Service Engine Soon" light keeps popping up on and off when I drive my car, so just something else to toss on the plate to worry about.

But the real kicker was helping guyfriend move 4 hours out-of-state. We did it ourselves (to save money) starting on Friday morning. Packed up his entire little house and carried all his furniture in the rain to the truck. His home is actually smaller than my apartment and it was a good thing that he was kind of living like a bachelor. As in a lot of divorces, his ex kept everything and he just picked up used furniture and such at garage sales (except for the electronics and computers which are all new, big and hard to carry). We unloaded the beds and put together the king size one so we could sleep on it Friday night. Again, it was raining and cold (there were even snow flurries mixed in with the rain). The 4 hour drive took 5 hours because we had to drive through rain and wind.

The next morning we quickly finished unloading the truck. Although it was cold, the sun was out. Guyfriend rented a nice and cozy one-level home with a finished basement (3 bedrooms). The landlords are a delighful older couple and the woman hugged me upon meeting me. The neighborhood is modest but very well-kept and cute. The high school is two blocks away. Guyfriend's new job is 5 minutes away.

I was a bit resentful helping guyfriend with his move because I felt that he had kind of wimped out in helping me with mine and believe me, my move was pretty major - I've got stuff in 3 storage sheds that I'm trying to consolidate and it took the movers 2 days to complete! Talk about stressful and exhausting! I talked to guyfrind about this, also telling him that I was giving up the only two days I had off to work in the storage sheds to assist him. It didn't help that I had a bum toe and foot either. Then because it was Halloween the boys had a lot of activites scheduled and I insisted they find friends to sleep over at since I'd be out of town on Friday night. But that was just another aspect of the scheduling logistics needed. I suppose some of my resentment also stems from the fact that when I help someone like this it is at a cost to myself and my family. Two days away from the homefront and things start to fall apart. Guyfriend doesn't have to make arrangements for his son or to worry about him while he is away - just another piece of the widowhood puzzle that rears its ugly head, especially when I'm interacting with someone who doesn't face the same parenting challenges.

Guyfriend's training schedule necessitated that he make this move so quickly. He also wanted his home empty for the new renters he hopes to get for his place. He needed to fly out for training in Detroit today where he'll be for a week. He comes back next Sunday but flies out again for another week in Detroit after a week at this home base. It was just all so rushed and crazy. But we got it done - and we talked through my resentment and he listened and heard me and acknowledged me. We also talked about my moving to be with him and get married but he accepted that it is a hard situation for me. He told me he hopes I will do so because we make a "good couple" and we will have a good life together. I will always be welcome in his home, even if I can't move right away. He is not going to force or try to pressure me, which is exactly the opposite of how Husband #2 reacted.

We were a good team together this weekend. We get along so well and even when I am terribly upset, we work out the issue. Despite the hard, physical labor of moving, we had fun together and as always I enjoy just being in his company. I got home Saturday night and picked up my youngest from a Halloween party around 10. I was so beat and drained. It was fortunate that the time was put back and I could gain an hour of sleep because I had to be at my clinical this morning at 7 a.m. and only got about 5 hours of sleep. My foot is still swollen so I had to wear a different shoe to the clinical and I feared I'd have to cancel and make it up. But I got through it and am so glad my first week of class is over - just 4 to go! I feel a sense of accomplishment for all that I achieved this week. After I got home this afternoon I put in 3 hours at the storage shed and have finally made a dent and enough space so I can start transferring things from one of the other sheds tomorrow.

I still have to figure out what we are going to do about moving with the boys. I talked with them today and both want to complete high school here. I pointed out that we will still be financially strained here but the social aspects and potential scholarships their coaches are pursuing for them seem to be the great draw. Guyfriend told me if we stay, he can have "visitation" with me every other weekend.

Right now I am tired again and going to bed early to try and make up some sleep. I am sore and I miss guyfriend. He is now 4 hours away and that is pretty far.