I subscribe to a couple daily crafting email newsletters that offer free patterns and I enjoy receiving them and browsing the creative possibilities. The other day, the following message from the editor was this: "Nothing makes me feel more comfortable, cozy and safe than a knit garment (Sorry, Husband)." I'd like to rewrite that comment to: "Nothing makes ME feel more comfortable, cozy and safe than a husband (Sorry, Scarf!)."
Well, what can you say to that comment? I suppose it is meant as a cute little joke and the married women can all smile and nod together. I've knit myself a really nice soft multi-toned scarf in autumn colors, a great rib pattern and last week knit the one for my oldest son's girlfriend. As much as I dearly love knitting and the products that I end up from just a ball of yarn and two sticks (I still am amazed at this), there is no comparison to a warn blooded decent guy sleeping next to me in bed. That is what makes me feel comfortable, cozy and safe. Forget the scarves! Oh, well! To have both the husband and the scarf, now that would really be comfort, coziness and safety!
I solved my dilemma about not having a project with me when having to wait at events by taking the time to come up with a simple project to keep in my purse. Now I'll never have to feel envious of other moms knitting away because I've been too busy or rushed to grab my project before "running" out the door. This is a simple k1, p1 rib in a lovely shade of Kiwi wool that I'll add flowers to in bright colors of orange, pink and red. So a little bit of planning solved that issue. And since putting it in my purse, I've yet had an opportunity to work on it - but I know it is there and I'll keep it with me all winter if need be, since it can also be worn in early spring if it takes that long to complete!
There is a Lion Brand scarf pattern that I have seen that is super long and I'm kind of motivated to craft it as a sign to the Universe to send that great, decent guy over my way. The scarf is so long it can be shared between two people. How cute! There is another cute pattern I've seen of a sweater knit for two people to wear at once and I've always thought that if I remarry that would be fun to wear but I have my doubts that a guy would go for my sense of creativity and humor. I've had the nice wedding at the hotel and the big church extravaganza. Next time I'd love something fun and very different - Vegas wearing the sweater and scarf for two!
Showing posts with label remarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label remarriage. Show all posts
Friday, November 5, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Time Doesn't Heal All Things
Thursday was the Senior Farewell band concert - a teary, emotional evening. There was some stress leading up to the night. My oldest had a detention after school for chewing gum in band class no less, along with a volleyball game - at least it was a home game. That meant I was in charge of making sure he had his band tux and volleyball uniform, along with a sack dinner since he wouldn't have time to come home. Turns out he forgot his dress-up shoes and I had to get them to him before the concert.
As usual, sitting in the auditorium before the concert I was struck by the loneliness I feel. It is a constant and dull ache that magnifies when I attend events like this one because in doing so, I can visualize my being alone as well. In this case, the school theater was packed with couples, families and grandparents who'd also come. Having arrived early to drop off the shoes, I could see the people come in and noted that there were only a handful of us sitting alone.
Then it seemed as though the theater lighting was somehow centering on and illuminating all the wedding rings and bands worn on the left hands of the audience members. Anytime I looked around, I saw a ring glinting in the light or I'd spy the arm of a husband casually resting around his wife's shoulder.
I felt the rage I feel as a victim (if my husband hadn't died I wouldn't be alone), along with the envy for all these fortunate married folks. Then there is some self-pity and even embarrassment at having to sit alone. I always feel a huge sense of sadness for the losses my sons have endured - seeing all the dads brings that on.
It takes such darn emotional energy to keep attending these events, over and over always alone. People have stopped making the effort to seek me out for a word or two and I have stopped pasting a smile on my face and pretending that I'm having a grand old time. I love supporting my sons in their activities and always feel a huge source of pride but it does come with a price.
I'm surprised that instead of getting easier, it just all seems to get harder and more painful. You'd think with the passing of time that I'd be more accepting of my situation and more used to attending events on my own. Funny how that is not turning out to be the case.
Also, what I felt for the first time on Thursday night was quite distressing to me. As I looked around the packed auditorium, the thought went through my mind that I have so little in common anymore with all the married, upper-middle class suburban parents living in my community. It was a very scary realization. The longer I go as a widowed mom here on my own, the greater the divide is growing. Too much has happened to me over the past seven to eight years. It has gone beyond the death of my husband now to include a failed marriage, the loss of a home and severe financial difficulties.
A man came in late and sat in front of me. I observed his large, well-fed body, his expensive business suit and the gleam of his gold wedding band. I tried to imagine going on a date with him if he was single and I couldn't. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll be able to interact with "normal" people or even go on a date with someone in the future. Too much has changed inside me in too short a time period. I'm not saying I'm better than others, just that I no longer live, relate, think, dream, talk, laugh, smile or even sleep like the woman I once was.
I only want to be with others who have experienced some pain and loss because they have some familiarity with what I have experienced. I worry about the dating pool being overflowing with divorced folks. Divorce is different than death and I don't feel on the same playing field with the dating middle-aged people out there. I'm not sure I believe there is a man out there willing to take the time to get to really know and accept me for the woman I have become. Heck, I even have doubts that I have the verbal capability to get through a two-hour date with someone and engage in a normal conversation! Any questions from "Where did you go on your last vacation?" to "What is your family like?" would all involve some aspect of loss.
What I felt on Thursday night was that I fear I am facing a future of loneliness and solitude without a life partner. And that realization on top of everything else - the daily grind of just living and having to parent on my own is a harsh dose of reality I don't want.
As usual, sitting in the auditorium before the concert I was struck by the loneliness I feel. It is a constant and dull ache that magnifies when I attend events like this one because in doing so, I can visualize my being alone as well. In this case, the school theater was packed with couples, families and grandparents who'd also come. Having arrived early to drop off the shoes, I could see the people come in and noted that there were only a handful of us sitting alone.
Then it seemed as though the theater lighting was somehow centering on and illuminating all the wedding rings and bands worn on the left hands of the audience members. Anytime I looked around, I saw a ring glinting in the light or I'd spy the arm of a husband casually resting around his wife's shoulder.
I felt the rage I feel as a victim (if my husband hadn't died I wouldn't be alone), along with the envy for all these fortunate married folks. Then there is some self-pity and even embarrassment at having to sit alone. I always feel a huge sense of sadness for the losses my sons have endured - seeing all the dads brings that on.
It takes such darn emotional energy to keep attending these events, over and over always alone. People have stopped making the effort to seek me out for a word or two and I have stopped pasting a smile on my face and pretending that I'm having a grand old time. I love supporting my sons in their activities and always feel a huge source of pride but it does come with a price.
I'm surprised that instead of getting easier, it just all seems to get harder and more painful. You'd think with the passing of time that I'd be more accepting of my situation and more used to attending events on my own. Funny how that is not turning out to be the case.
Also, what I felt for the first time on Thursday night was quite distressing to me. As I looked around the packed auditorium, the thought went through my mind that I have so little in common anymore with all the married, upper-middle class suburban parents living in my community. It was a very scary realization. The longer I go as a widowed mom here on my own, the greater the divide is growing. Too much has happened to me over the past seven to eight years. It has gone beyond the death of my husband now to include a failed marriage, the loss of a home and severe financial difficulties.
A man came in late and sat in front of me. I observed his large, well-fed body, his expensive business suit and the gleam of his gold wedding band. I tried to imagine going on a date with him if he was single and I couldn't. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll be able to interact with "normal" people or even go on a date with someone in the future. Too much has changed inside me in too short a time period. I'm not saying I'm better than others, just that I no longer live, relate, think, dream, talk, laugh, smile or even sleep like the woman I once was.
I only want to be with others who have experienced some pain and loss because they have some familiarity with what I have experienced. I worry about the dating pool being overflowing with divorced folks. Divorce is different than death and I don't feel on the same playing field with the dating middle-aged people out there. I'm not sure I believe there is a man out there willing to take the time to get to really know and accept me for the woman I have become. Heck, I even have doubts that I have the verbal capability to get through a two-hour date with someone and engage in a normal conversation! Any questions from "Where did you go on your last vacation?" to "What is your family like?" would all involve some aspect of loss.
What I felt on Thursday night was that I fear I am facing a future of loneliness and solitude without a life partner. And that realization on top of everything else - the daily grind of just living and having to parent on my own is a harsh dose of reality I don't want.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
When One Door Closes...
When I was going through my divorce, I bought a lovely little necklace from the Signals catalog of a door. The door opened up to display the wording, "When one door closes, another one opens." These words were a powerful motivation for me during that cruelly trying time.
I reflect on those words now and this current topic. During the period of my divorce, I corresponded by email with a wonderful father of four living downstate, three hours away. He had total custody of his children and our relationship progressed to the point of interacting daily by email. We did talk occasionally on the phone and even met once. I considered him more of a good friend and he is the one person I can say really understood what my life of widowhood was like and being an only parent. We often commiserated and compared parenting notes. We had planned to meet again when he came to my area for a work seminar, but those plans fell through when his mother died.
I am sure our relationship would have deepened if we lived closer to one another. As it was, last summer when I was up to my eyeballs in trying to prepare my house to be sold and all of that, I decided to end our interaction, solely due to the distance between us. Sam was fully aware of my friendship and wasn't threatened. But for all involved, I felt it was time to let it go.
Early this year, I decided to check and see how my friend was doing. He got back to me with the news that he had remarried right around Valentine's Day. Wonderful news and lucky for him to have met a nice woman within that six month time period between when I'd last communicated with him (July). I will admit feeling a little envious and even some regret. The man I'd chosen to continue with in a relationship hadn't wanted the commitment of marriage. I questioned whether I'd picked the wrong guy. But no, I can't think like that - there was the distance factor and my resolve to have the boys finish high school where they are.
I have to console myself with the knowledge that there are men out there who want to get married. I was talking with my oldest today about dating and I mentioned that I don't feel I've been very lucky in/with love since the death of my spouse. My son said it is not so much that I haven't been lucky, just that I haven't had a relationship where the man lives in the same area.
Anyway, what really has given me solace are the words on that door necklace. I want to believe that perhaps I had something to do with my friend meeting his new wife. My letting go caused him to reach out, or get out there or do something different that resulted in his meeting her! Now that is pretty darn amazing. One door closed for my friend, but boy did it open! What a happy ending considering he had recently lost his home due to foreclosure. He told me that he and his new wife are buying an old five-bedroom farmhouse through a contract arrangement. I wonder if it is the farmhouse I saw for sale when I checked out real estate listings in his town, just for fun. I remember looking at that listing and thinking it would have been a good fit.
My friend is proof that you can survive foreclosure and divorce and move on to a new, hopeful and happy life. I want to believe that his story can be experienced by all of us and that someday I too may be able to joyfully speak of an opportunity for another chance at marriage and living in a home again.
The latest piece of motivational jewelery that I am interested in is from Jane Seymour's line at Kay Jewelers. They feature two open, intertwined hearts. Her inspiration for creating the line came from a saying of her mother's - that as long as you keep your heart open, love will find its way to you. I hope it finds a way back to my heart too.
I reflect on those words now and this current topic. During the period of my divorce, I corresponded by email with a wonderful father of four living downstate, three hours away. He had total custody of his children and our relationship progressed to the point of interacting daily by email. We did talk occasionally on the phone and even met once. I considered him more of a good friend and he is the one person I can say really understood what my life of widowhood was like and being an only parent. We often commiserated and compared parenting notes. We had planned to meet again when he came to my area for a work seminar, but those plans fell through when his mother died.
I am sure our relationship would have deepened if we lived closer to one another. As it was, last summer when I was up to my eyeballs in trying to prepare my house to be sold and all of that, I decided to end our interaction, solely due to the distance between us. Sam was fully aware of my friendship and wasn't threatened. But for all involved, I felt it was time to let it go.
Early this year, I decided to check and see how my friend was doing. He got back to me with the news that he had remarried right around Valentine's Day. Wonderful news and lucky for him to have met a nice woman within that six month time period between when I'd last communicated with him (July). I will admit feeling a little envious and even some regret. The man I'd chosen to continue with in a relationship hadn't wanted the commitment of marriage. I questioned whether I'd picked the wrong guy. But no, I can't think like that - there was the distance factor and my resolve to have the boys finish high school where they are.
I have to console myself with the knowledge that there are men out there who want to get married. I was talking with my oldest today about dating and I mentioned that I don't feel I've been very lucky in/with love since the death of my spouse. My son said it is not so much that I haven't been lucky, just that I haven't had a relationship where the man lives in the same area.
Anyway, what really has given me solace are the words on that door necklace. I want to believe that perhaps I had something to do with my friend meeting his new wife. My letting go caused him to reach out, or get out there or do something different that resulted in his meeting her! Now that is pretty darn amazing. One door closed for my friend, but boy did it open! What a happy ending considering he had recently lost his home due to foreclosure. He told me that he and his new wife are buying an old five-bedroom farmhouse through a contract arrangement. I wonder if it is the farmhouse I saw for sale when I checked out real estate listings in his town, just for fun. I remember looking at that listing and thinking it would have been a good fit.
My friend is proof that you can survive foreclosure and divorce and move on to a new, hopeful and happy life. I want to believe that his story can be experienced by all of us and that someday I too may be able to joyfully speak of an opportunity for another chance at marriage and living in a home again.
The latest piece of motivational jewelery that I am interested in is from Jane Seymour's line at Kay Jewelers. They feature two open, intertwined hearts. Her inspiration for creating the line came from a saying of her mother's - that as long as you keep your heart open, love will find its way to you. I hope it finds a way back to my heart too.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wanting A New Life
I'm not going to apologize for who I am or what I want anymore. All through this widowhood journey I have heard the comments, "Be strong," "You can do it" or "You HAVE to do it on your own," "You don't need a man to survive," "Why would you ever want to get married again?" and my all time favorite, "Put your big girl panties on and go plunge that overflowing toilet!"
Well, it's been six years of this and I'm sick and tired of it. I don't like plunging out toilets on my own and I don't want to. I'm lonely sleeping alone and I'm not looking forward to handling this year's taxes on my own because they will be more complicated with the house sale. I want a partner standing next to me and going with me to the accountant. A partner saying, "Okay, we'll face this bankruptcy thing together and we'll get past it, together."
I'm not going to pretend anymore that I'm strong and competent and able to live on my own. I've already proven that over the past years. I've gotten through a whole ton of hardships by myself - more than what most people have to face in a lifetime, much less on their own. IF ANYTHING, what I am coming to see and understand is that life has been a whole heck of a lot worse for me because of being alone. It's okay for me to admit that I'm not always strong and not always competent.
I do my best with someone by my side, tackling problems and even just living through life in general. I thrive as a team player and was happiest as a married mom. I have felt like a displaced person since my being on my own. It is not weak to admit what you want and need. It is positive and shows strength. If I do better overall and am happiest married, why wouldn't I want that in my life again? Why do I have to listen to these crappy comments from others telling me that I should be able to handle life on my own. Well, I don't want to anymore, quite frankly I suck at it and would be a far better and more productive parent and life citizen if I had the security and comfort of being remarried.
That is not to say that I am going to remarry just for the sake of getting remarried. It means I am not going to put myself down for what I want and it means I can go on from here seeking that. I don't have to put my head down for wanting to be a wife again. I am standing tall and proud and shouting to the Universe, "You know I can plunge the toilet myself, and go to the hardware store alone, and take out the garbage on my own too - but it is a heck of a lot easier, more tolerable and even fun doing it with a loving partner! So Universe, I'm letting you know that I don't have to be doing all this stuff on my lonesome anymore, FYI."
One of the Law of Attraction books I'm reading right now talks about how men and women are wired differently. In general, men respond to stress in physical ways working harder, doing physical tasks, being independent and courageous. Women, on the other hand thrive and require nurturing when stressed - extra cuddles, hugs, warm words of encouragement and love. That type of response is exactly what I seek and need but by living alone, I am unable to get the real support necessary to give me the strength and energy to face conflict and stress. So of course, if I'm not getting what I want and need it would translate into someone not being fulfilled and happy. I am also sick and tired of the belief that we can make ourselves happy and shouldn't rely on someone else to fulfill us. True to an extent, but not entirely. A loving partner enhances our lives, doesn't complete it. I'm looking for that enhancement right now.
All those comments about being strong and handling everything on my own have grated on me so much because they are not helpful for me to hear. For me, a comment along the lines of "Gosh I know this is so hard for you and it sucks and is hard but hang in there. I'll go with you to the accountant and be there for you. And now I'll give you a long hug." The Tough Love strategy is wasted on me - it just makes me feel worse and then guilty for not being able to measure up - or for not liking that I am living on my own and having to do all this stuff on my own.
There is also research out there pointing to how as human beings we are also wired to be interconnected. We seek out close relationships with others and they are as necessary to our survival as food, water and air. Being in a relationship allows a couple to be at their best both independently and together. Psychologist Sue Johnson says in her workbook for therapists, "Hold Me Tight": "Secure dependence is a sign of health and complements autonomy...The more securely connected we are, the more separate and different we can be." This sounds pretty good to me!
Why do I have to wear my widowhood like a badge of some kind of honor and endure this way of life any longer? I don't like it. I've never liked it. I've had to tolerate it and do the best that I could. But it is time to be honest with myself and not pretend to the world. Saying that I've struggled with widowhood is okay - I don't have to hide I don't like it and that I don't want to continue living this way. So instead of concentrating on what I don't like and don't want anymore I will flip it and devote my thoughts and attention to what I do want to bring into my life: an equal partnership, with both of us holding the reigns but with the security of knowing that one of us can take a break without crashing because the other will still be holding on tight; to share hopes, dreams, fears, hard times and happiness together as a team.
I'm not sure of the future between Sam and I. He doesn't want to get married anytime soon or to commit to that goal. It has been a serious issue between us a number of times in the past. I wanted to break off our relationship at the three month mark and then the eight month mark because of this. It is now a year since last March when he begged me to stay with him. Now we live apart and I remain steadfast in seeing my boys through their last years of high school here. Even when I was thinking about relocating to join him out-of-state, he was not firmly committed to marriage, preferring to live together for awhile. He has criticized me for wanting to get married and to not be content with what we have. But I don't want to settle anymore. It is okay for us to want what we want and be active in seeking that which will fulfill us and make our hearts sing. I don't want to belabor this issue with Sam but felt it necessary to bring up since some readers know about him.
My therapist told me to remember that there are men out there who do want to marry. Sam is not the only fish in the sea. I came across a comment by a single man joining a dating site. He admitted that he doesn't do very well on his own. Another person out there like me! And a male besides! Those of us who don't do well on our own shouldn't be going through life on our own!
I am grateful:
1. For the rain falling.
2. For the longer days of light.
3. For the shorter nights of darkness.
4. For the smell of spring.
5. For the finally melted snow.
Well, it's been six years of this and I'm sick and tired of it. I don't like plunging out toilets on my own and I don't want to. I'm lonely sleeping alone and I'm not looking forward to handling this year's taxes on my own because they will be more complicated with the house sale. I want a partner standing next to me and going with me to the accountant. A partner saying, "Okay, we'll face this bankruptcy thing together and we'll get past it, together."
I'm not going to pretend anymore that I'm strong and competent and able to live on my own. I've already proven that over the past years. I've gotten through a whole ton of hardships by myself - more than what most people have to face in a lifetime, much less on their own. IF ANYTHING, what I am coming to see and understand is that life has been a whole heck of a lot worse for me because of being alone. It's okay for me to admit that I'm not always strong and not always competent.
I do my best with someone by my side, tackling problems and even just living through life in general. I thrive as a team player and was happiest as a married mom. I have felt like a displaced person since my being on my own. It is not weak to admit what you want and need. It is positive and shows strength. If I do better overall and am happiest married, why wouldn't I want that in my life again? Why do I have to listen to these crappy comments from others telling me that I should be able to handle life on my own. Well, I don't want to anymore, quite frankly I suck at it and would be a far better and more productive parent and life citizen if I had the security and comfort of being remarried.
That is not to say that I am going to remarry just for the sake of getting remarried. It means I am not going to put myself down for what I want and it means I can go on from here seeking that. I don't have to put my head down for wanting to be a wife again. I am standing tall and proud and shouting to the Universe, "You know I can plunge the toilet myself, and go to the hardware store alone, and take out the garbage on my own too - but it is a heck of a lot easier, more tolerable and even fun doing it with a loving partner! So Universe, I'm letting you know that I don't have to be doing all this stuff on my lonesome anymore, FYI."
One of the Law of Attraction books I'm reading right now talks about how men and women are wired differently. In general, men respond to stress in physical ways working harder, doing physical tasks, being independent and courageous. Women, on the other hand thrive and require nurturing when stressed - extra cuddles, hugs, warm words of encouragement and love. That type of response is exactly what I seek and need but by living alone, I am unable to get the real support necessary to give me the strength and energy to face conflict and stress. So of course, if I'm not getting what I want and need it would translate into someone not being fulfilled and happy. I am also sick and tired of the belief that we can make ourselves happy and shouldn't rely on someone else to fulfill us. True to an extent, but not entirely. A loving partner enhances our lives, doesn't complete it. I'm looking for that enhancement right now.
All those comments about being strong and handling everything on my own have grated on me so much because they are not helpful for me to hear. For me, a comment along the lines of "Gosh I know this is so hard for you and it sucks and is hard but hang in there. I'll go with you to the accountant and be there for you. And now I'll give you a long hug." The Tough Love strategy is wasted on me - it just makes me feel worse and then guilty for not being able to measure up - or for not liking that I am living on my own and having to do all this stuff on my own.
There is also research out there pointing to how as human beings we are also wired to be interconnected. We seek out close relationships with others and they are as necessary to our survival as food, water and air. Being in a relationship allows a couple to be at their best both independently and together. Psychologist Sue Johnson says in her workbook for therapists, "Hold Me Tight": "Secure dependence is a sign of health and complements autonomy...The more securely connected we are, the more separate and different we can be." This sounds pretty good to me!
Why do I have to wear my widowhood like a badge of some kind of honor and endure this way of life any longer? I don't like it. I've never liked it. I've had to tolerate it and do the best that I could. But it is time to be honest with myself and not pretend to the world. Saying that I've struggled with widowhood is okay - I don't have to hide I don't like it and that I don't want to continue living this way. So instead of concentrating on what I don't like and don't want anymore I will flip it and devote my thoughts and attention to what I do want to bring into my life: an equal partnership, with both of us holding the reigns but with the security of knowing that one of us can take a break without crashing because the other will still be holding on tight; to share hopes, dreams, fears, hard times and happiness together as a team.
I'm not sure of the future between Sam and I. He doesn't want to get married anytime soon or to commit to that goal. It has been a serious issue between us a number of times in the past. I wanted to break off our relationship at the three month mark and then the eight month mark because of this. It is now a year since last March when he begged me to stay with him. Now we live apart and I remain steadfast in seeing my boys through their last years of high school here. Even when I was thinking about relocating to join him out-of-state, he was not firmly committed to marriage, preferring to live together for awhile. He has criticized me for wanting to get married and to not be content with what we have. But I don't want to settle anymore. It is okay for us to want what we want and be active in seeking that which will fulfill us and make our hearts sing. I don't want to belabor this issue with Sam but felt it necessary to bring up since some readers know about him.
My therapist told me to remember that there are men out there who do want to marry. Sam is not the only fish in the sea. I came across a comment by a single man joining a dating site. He admitted that he doesn't do very well on his own. Another person out there like me! And a male besides! Those of us who don't do well on our own shouldn't be going through life on our own!
I am grateful:
1. For the rain falling.
2. For the longer days of light.
3. For the shorter nights of darkness.
4. For the smell of spring.
5. For the finally melted snow.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Not Letting Myself Go
I'm not sure why this Valentine's Day is hitting me harder than those in the past. Maybe it is the harsh winter we've had, our financial hardship, unemployment stress or that Sam is not living here anymore. So although I have a special someone in my life, it is still a Valentine's Day devoid of flowers, candy or a card.
I picked up a few goodies for the boys and I. Some candy on sale and little cakes in heart shapes which we'll have for dessert tomorrow. Both boys are at Valentine dances. My youngest didn't want to attend and wasn't planning on it. But at the last minute, literally two hours before having to leave for dinner, he got a frantic call from a friend whose date was unable to go because of getting so drunk last night. This friend asked my son to accompany her free of any associated costs. Although, he still wasn't thrilled at going he felt worse not helping out and leaving his friend in a lurch. So he agreed to attend and we had a busy hour trying to locate his suit (buried in his closet), then iron it, find his dress shoes, tie, etc. We accomplished all this and he looked very handsome when I dropped him off at the girl's home. I told him to enjoy the unexpected dinner out and have a good time.
I needed film for my camera but did not want to run into any people I know of the married and middle-aged variety picking out cards and candy for their spouses. So I purposely went to a Walgreen's on the outskirts of town - not the one I usually go to right down the street. It didn't help any because I saw a travel baseball and football mom shopping in the card section. I walked past her without looking in her direction and thankfully avoided any contact.
For some reason I've been fixating on all the middle-aged flaws I see in women my age. General sloppiness, roots showing, tummy bulges, dowdy outfits. Yet these women are all getting Valentines this weekend, including the nice mom of my youngest son's date tonight.
I think some of my irritation about this has to do with the fact that these women have the option of letting themselves go. I do not. Widowhood has robbed me of that too. Not that I want myself to gain weight or dress sloppily. But it would be nice to feel comfortable and in a stable relationship where I don't have to worry about gaining five pounds or going a few more days before coloring my hair. I feel as a 50-year-old widow that I have more of a responsibility to look good because I don't have the security of a wedding ring on my finger.
I know that being married does not guarantee anyone that they'll stay married. My experience has sure proven otherwise twice! But I think that when you're in a long-term relationship there is a comfort level there that allows you to put down your guard and not have to strive to look like a "10" everyday. You're judged on far more than looks which is the number one criteria in beginning relationships or those where a formal commitment has not been established.
Yes, this is all trivial and superficial. And I'm not particularly proud of myself for reducing myself to this level. But it is what I'm feeling. And I do wish that my life was more stable, secure and that even I was one of those less than glamorous moms this Valentine's weekend. Tonight I think I just might trade my youthful attractiveness and long locks for a box of Russell Stover's from a gassy grey haired guy who could stand to lose a few pounds.
Today I am grateful:
1. That the 30 degree temperature outside feels like a heat wave.
2. That both boys will have nice dinners and be out with friends at school dances. At least they're having a nice Valentine celebration.
3. That I hit pay dirt at the grocery store with some 99 cent deals on ground turkey and turkey burgers.
4. That we'll have enough food to get through the month because of these meat deals.
5. For heart-shaped pizzas.
I picked up a few goodies for the boys and I. Some candy on sale and little cakes in heart shapes which we'll have for dessert tomorrow. Both boys are at Valentine dances. My youngest didn't want to attend and wasn't planning on it. But at the last minute, literally two hours before having to leave for dinner, he got a frantic call from a friend whose date was unable to go because of getting so drunk last night. This friend asked my son to accompany her free of any associated costs. Although, he still wasn't thrilled at going he felt worse not helping out and leaving his friend in a lurch. So he agreed to attend and we had a busy hour trying to locate his suit (buried in his closet), then iron it, find his dress shoes, tie, etc. We accomplished all this and he looked very handsome when I dropped him off at the girl's home. I told him to enjoy the unexpected dinner out and have a good time.
I needed film for my camera but did not want to run into any people I know of the married and middle-aged variety picking out cards and candy for their spouses. So I purposely went to a Walgreen's on the outskirts of town - not the one I usually go to right down the street. It didn't help any because I saw a travel baseball and football mom shopping in the card section. I walked past her without looking in her direction and thankfully avoided any contact.
For some reason I've been fixating on all the middle-aged flaws I see in women my age. General sloppiness, roots showing, tummy bulges, dowdy outfits. Yet these women are all getting Valentines this weekend, including the nice mom of my youngest son's date tonight.
I think some of my irritation about this has to do with the fact that these women have the option of letting themselves go. I do not. Widowhood has robbed me of that too. Not that I want myself to gain weight or dress sloppily. But it would be nice to feel comfortable and in a stable relationship where I don't have to worry about gaining five pounds or going a few more days before coloring my hair. I feel as a 50-year-old widow that I have more of a responsibility to look good because I don't have the security of a wedding ring on my finger.
I know that being married does not guarantee anyone that they'll stay married. My experience has sure proven otherwise twice! But I think that when you're in a long-term relationship there is a comfort level there that allows you to put down your guard and not have to strive to look like a "10" everyday. You're judged on far more than looks which is the number one criteria in beginning relationships or those where a formal commitment has not been established.
Yes, this is all trivial and superficial. And I'm not particularly proud of myself for reducing myself to this level. But it is what I'm feeling. And I do wish that my life was more stable, secure and that even I was one of those less than glamorous moms this Valentine's weekend. Tonight I think I just might trade my youthful attractiveness and long locks for a box of Russell Stover's from a gassy grey haired guy who could stand to lose a few pounds.
Today I am grateful:
1. That the 30 degree temperature outside feels like a heat wave.
2. That both boys will have nice dinners and be out with friends at school dances. At least they're having a nice Valentine celebration.
3. That I hit pay dirt at the grocery store with some 99 cent deals on ground turkey and turkey burgers.
4. That we'll have enough food to get through the month because of these meat deals.
5. For heart-shaped pizzas.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Winter Blues
There is a daily fatigue that seems to settle into my bones during the winter months. An undercurrent of fear simmers that I will fall on the ice and break a bone. Who would care for me? The winter weather and darker days exaggerate my being alone.
These are the days for hunkering down and snuggling a bit longer under the covers. I miss having a warm body next to me sleeping. I miss the absence of a strong male presence in the home. Someone to rely on when the roads are slippery with snow coming down - just knowing they can be called to come make a rescue if I land in a snowbank.
I feel vulnerable and lonely. Soon after my husband died, someone told me that I was so lucky I had the boys to raise - because I would never be lonely (and I would be too busy besides). But I think it goes without saying that I am lonely for romance and adult interaction. You can be lonely even living with a large number of people (think homesick college freshman living in a dorm).
Everyone needs a cheerleader in their corner. I felt I had that when my husband was alive. We served as cheerleaders for each other. Now I have to rely on the occasional well wishes of friends and acquaintances. There is not a daily support mechanism in place. And truth be told, it gets pretty old pretty quickly being your own cheerleader.
I miss looking forward to a night out for dinner, a movie or a show with a partner. Those are the kinds of activities that help recharge our batteries. I miss planning a romantic dinner at home complete with a special meal and candles. I miss all the physical aspects of being in a romantic relationship, mostly the day-to-day hugs, affectionate pats, smiles and verbal affirmation.
We are ending finals week at the boy's school and I am convinced that the best decision was made to keep them here. But it does come at a great price because I have lost regular physical contact with Sam and I am sad about that. Long distance relationships bring with them their own challenges, in addition to all the others that exist in maintaining a committed relationship in the first place.
The well-known author and psychologist, Dr. Kevin Leman, who wrote all the birth order books, believes that single parents should not even consider remarrying until their children are out of school. He feels there are too many conflicting problems and issues in attempting to blend families together. I can certainly relate to his reasoning since I have struggled with balancing the needs of my sons with that of my own. And there is a part of me that remains annoyed with the situation of Sam moving out-of-state to take a job. It is such a slap in the face to me. To have met a decent, compatible guy and have him move away. It seems so ironic that I made a conscious decision to date only locally because I did not want to face a relocation. And then the same situation ended up presenting itself. I am beyond trying to figure out a rhyme or reason to this and just want to be able to rely on some safety and reliability for a change instead of having to dodge curve balls.
My husband's death came at a rotten time in regard to the boys' ages. It would have been easier if they had been younger or older in terms of relocating and remarriage. But I guess there is not much point to dwelling on that. It is what it is and I am where I am and have to somehow make the best of all of this from this point on. And part of that means facing any upcoming winter storms on my own here, at least for the time being. My sixth winter on my own.
Today I am grateful that:
1. We are surviving finals week.
2. The temperature today will be close to 40 degrees.
3. The boys have worked very hard on their academics (they had three weeks of missed work to make up).
4. We have not gone hungry this month.
5. The boys were welcomed back to their school with open arms, love and support.
These are the days for hunkering down and snuggling a bit longer under the covers. I miss having a warm body next to me sleeping. I miss the absence of a strong male presence in the home. Someone to rely on when the roads are slippery with snow coming down - just knowing they can be called to come make a rescue if I land in a snowbank.
I feel vulnerable and lonely. Soon after my husband died, someone told me that I was so lucky I had the boys to raise - because I would never be lonely (and I would be too busy besides). But I think it goes without saying that I am lonely for romance and adult interaction. You can be lonely even living with a large number of people (think homesick college freshman living in a dorm).
Everyone needs a cheerleader in their corner. I felt I had that when my husband was alive. We served as cheerleaders for each other. Now I have to rely on the occasional well wishes of friends and acquaintances. There is not a daily support mechanism in place. And truth be told, it gets pretty old pretty quickly being your own cheerleader.
I miss looking forward to a night out for dinner, a movie or a show with a partner. Those are the kinds of activities that help recharge our batteries. I miss planning a romantic dinner at home complete with a special meal and candles. I miss all the physical aspects of being in a romantic relationship, mostly the day-to-day hugs, affectionate pats, smiles and verbal affirmation.
We are ending finals week at the boy's school and I am convinced that the best decision was made to keep them here. But it does come at a great price because I have lost regular physical contact with Sam and I am sad about that. Long distance relationships bring with them their own challenges, in addition to all the others that exist in maintaining a committed relationship in the first place.
The well-known author and psychologist, Dr. Kevin Leman, who wrote all the birth order books, believes that single parents should not even consider remarrying until their children are out of school. He feels there are too many conflicting problems and issues in attempting to blend families together. I can certainly relate to his reasoning since I have struggled with balancing the needs of my sons with that of my own. And there is a part of me that remains annoyed with the situation of Sam moving out-of-state to take a job. It is such a slap in the face to me. To have met a decent, compatible guy and have him move away. It seems so ironic that I made a conscious decision to date only locally because I did not want to face a relocation. And then the same situation ended up presenting itself. I am beyond trying to figure out a rhyme or reason to this and just want to be able to rely on some safety and reliability for a change instead of having to dodge curve balls.
My husband's death came at a rotten time in regard to the boys' ages. It would have been easier if they had been younger or older in terms of relocating and remarriage. But I guess there is not much point to dwelling on that. It is what it is and I am where I am and have to somehow make the best of all of this from this point on. And part of that means facing any upcoming winter storms on my own here, at least for the time being. My sixth winter on my own.
Today I am grateful that:
1. We are surviving finals week.
2. The temperature today will be close to 40 degrees.
3. The boys have worked very hard on their academics (they had three weeks of missed work to make up).
4. We have not gone hungry this month.
5. The boys were welcomed back to their school with open arms, love and support.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
More of Sam's Feedback
Sam was kind enough to call me again to rehash all of this. He had 15 minutes before work started for him. He said he cannot see us moving if we are all going to be miserable. He is worried that the boys WILL fail at the new school and the problems that would then result. He said we are trying to work out the best solution for all of us and that it would probably be better to revisit the move at the end of the school year. He agrees that our trial run in Dec. did make him now hesitant to get married but does not want to end our relationship... He said he will try to send approx. $200.00 monthly to help out in addition to covering our cell phone bill. He wishes he could provide more but cannot do so. Sam also pointed out that some married couples live out-of-state and others work through situations like ours because of school issues with the kids. He admitted the schools in the new town are not as good as what the boys are use to and he understands the difficulties in moving.
Hearing all of this just makes me want to move because I don't want to lose such a stand-up guy. I feel we are right for one another but I suppose the timing and circumstances are not. Sam told me he does not think it is in my heart to make the move right now. I told him if I have to choose it would be to move because of him but he does not want to make ultimatums. Nor does he feel that the turmoil that is going on right now serves as a good foundation in which to start a marriage.
In a way, I am now having my cake and eating it too. Being able to stay back so the boys can attend school here but not being able to live with Sam and start our lives under one roof is a terrible price to pay and I am not dancing in the street with joy. There would be sadness, regret, pain and loss whichever decision the two of us came too. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much and that no one road was a win-win for us. Both decisions involved loss and sacrifice.
Hearing all of this just makes me want to move because I don't want to lose such a stand-up guy. I feel we are right for one another but I suppose the timing and circumstances are not. Sam told me he does not think it is in my heart to make the move right now. I told him if I have to choose it would be to move because of him but he does not want to make ultimatums. Nor does he feel that the turmoil that is going on right now serves as a good foundation in which to start a marriage.
In a way, I am now having my cake and eating it too. Being able to stay back so the boys can attend school here but not being able to live with Sam and start our lives under one roof is a terrible price to pay and I am not dancing in the street with joy. There would be sadness, regret, pain and loss whichever decision the two of us came too. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much and that no one road was a win-win for us. Both decisions involved loss and sacrifice.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
GF (SAM)
GF's dad was killed by a hit and run driver just days before he turned 16. He had been thrilled to tell him that he'd just gotten his first job at a grocery store in the city. GF never had that opportunity. His dad was supposed to bring home Chinese for dinner that night. But he never called or came home. Today, it is very important that GF hears regularly from the people he cares about. His ex-wife accuses him of calling his 11-year-old son too much. She also got annoyed with his frequent phone calls during the day. GF has always made a point of calling me throughout the day. In the morning to say, "Have a good day" and "I love you." In the evening to say, "Goodnight" and "I love you." During the day to say, "I am thinking about you." Over the past two days GF has called to say that he supports whatever decision I make regarding moving with him or to stay put for the sake of the boys at their current school. We came home for the weekend so I could work at the big box store during my two-week notice period and to give the boys an opportunity to see their friends.
The boys were in much better moods on the drive home. I let my oldest drive and he made it in far less time than I have since I drive a lot more slowly. They both spoke of joining the wrestling team at the new school upon their return next week; my oldest talked about going to one of the colleges in the new state; my youngest said he had made three friends in his biology class. I had spoken with the boys' school counselor on Wednesday and she met with them first thing Thursday morning to revise their schedules and get rid of some of those extra study halls. She also changed my youngest's lunch period so he can now eat with his brother, whom has already been sitting at a table with Senior cheerleaders. I think they are resigned to the move, although my oldest is upset about leaving his girlfriend as her mom died last March. I asked him if she would prefer that he be living out on the street and offered to drive him back as much as possible to see her.
GF's parents were poor. His dad sold real estate and back in the 70s there was a recession that killed the housing market. GF recalls that they ate so much canned spaghetti and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that it has only been recently that he could eat peanut butter again. After his dad died, there was not much money and he went to work full-time to support his mom and sister. It took GF 8 years to get through college going part-time while working full-time at the same grocery store he had been hired at when he turned 16. He rose to the position of manager there.
GF is not a complaining sort of guy. He is optimistic, loyal, responsible and does what needs to be done without griping (unlike me). He often says, "Life is good," a phrase he adopted after his dad died and "It is what it is." GF had a romantic relationship with a young woman whom he loved but had a fatal illness. It did not matter to him that she was going to die as a young adult. He loved her. She ended up breaking up with him before her untimely death. In the same spirit of love and acceptance, GF married his wife even knowing that she suffered from fertiltiy issues that would make it difficult for them to have a baby.
GF worked at a bank then was a manager at a big name drug store. He and his wife did have a baby through in vitro but their second attempt failed and they lost twins. GF wanted to spend more time with his son and moved to a less demanding store management position. He was extremely involved with his son's life taking a six-month leave of absence after his birth to be with him. GF felt the absence of his father and this of course affected him and how he wanted to be a parent.
I first started communicating with GF after Husband #2 initially filed for divorce in January, '08. My husband refused to speak with me and I was incredibly devastated and heartbroken. In fact, my husband didn't even have the decency to tell me he'd filed, a fact I learned having to call the courthouse every day per the advice of my attorney. GF and I started talking online but I was hesitant and wanted to reconcile with my husband. Basically, GF and I emailed about grief issues and when my husband and I got back together for a few months I ceased all contact with GF. But when my husband refiled for the divorce in July, I again was devastated and thought about GF. I decided to call him because I wanted to know what had happened to him. I truly hoped that he had met a nice woman and had moved on beyond his own pain and grief about his divorce. I called him because I wanted to know that life would go on and that I would survive my own loss. I wanted to know he was okay. Knowing that would somehow give me much needed strength to go forward myself.
I finally drew up the courage to call GF, which I did after going to an antique show attended by what seemed to me to be exclusively couples (gay and straight - mostly middle-aged). He remembered me (after 6 months of no contact) and all of our communication with surprising detail. He had just bought a small home and was with his son. We made arrangements to talk on the phone and soon after, agreed to meet for dinner.
GF was very supportive of me during my long, drawn-out divorce. We were friends and I certainly needed someone to communicate with, especially since my husband had virtually shut out any contact with me. GF was tolerant of the feelings I still had for my husband and was aware of my desire to still try and reconcile. GF also had been "dumped" by his wife who had not given much explanation why. We were two people who needed and wanted communication in our lives with our spouses but had been denied that. GF used to tell me back then that I had been sent to him. I used to think that he had been sent to me.
At the end of my marriage, I had fallen in love with GF and wanted to marry him. I was frightened of being on my own again and unmarried. Even during the divorce process knowing I was still married gave me some kind of comfort. But GF told me that it was too close to his divorce and he needed time to heal. When I made an effort to start communicating with Husband #2 after the divorce was finalized, I told GF although I do not think he thought it was a good idea or would lead anywhere. I know that he felt it would probably end up hurting me.
As the months went by and I faced the sale of my house, GF's ex-wife remarried, he lost his job and his ex moved out of state with his beloved son. Both of us were dealing with huge losses. I didn't have a lot of energy to expend on his issues - I had too much to handle on my own. We had some rough patches but always ended up getting through them with humor, commitment and lots of communication. I considered breaking things off with him when he didn't want to get married but found that I really missed him when he wasn't part of my life.
I saw the lovely home GF resided in with his ex-wife and son. His ex sold the home for a terrible loss before she moved out of state. I also saw the home GF lived in when he was first married which was closer to the city. GF bought his first place, a condo when he was only 25. He has perfect credit and is financially astute. We are both starting over at this point. As are I suppose many others across the nation. But GF has told me that he wants to be part of a family again, he believes we will be better off for being together and that he loves me. Is he perfect? No. Am I perfect? Certainly not. But he has accepted and loved me at my absolute worst. And he has not rejected me as did Husband #2. Rather he has embraced me and held open his arms. The boys get along with him and like him, even respect him. His son likes me.
GF is kind, optimistic, loyal, tolerant, flexible, enjoys the finer things in life, has a sense of humor, is honest and intelligent. I recently told him that at times he may be a bit too honest and maybe doesn't have to tell it like it is All the time. He has admitted when he has been wrong and says he is sorry. He is a devoted Bears, Cubs and Blackhawks fan. I like his strength and his manly scent. He is there when the going gets rough. He is a very physical guy and likes to show affection, hug, kiss and hold hands. He thanks me when I do so to him. He laughs and shares interesting news tibits that he has heard. He can be vulnerable and admits to it. He is well-balanced, doesn't have anger issues, and has done what he says he would do and doesn't cover up what he can't do. His personality is fun-loving and playful but he is serious when he needs to be.
I think he is overall a pretty decent and all-round nice guy. He knows what commitment is - he has faced adversity - I have seen him react to challenges and he has stood tall - he doesn't have any sexual deviances and he has told me that sex is only one part of a relationship, there are other facets of a relationship that are equally important - he is an extremely devoted father - he does his best to get along with his ex-wife and her new husband - he is attractive - he doesn't like to fight and wants to resolve conflict - he doesn't hang up on me when upset (as did Husband #2) - he communicates well - he is a hard worker - he is neat and tidy in how he lives and dresses.
I have always enjoyed being with him and have loved the comfort he provides me by being in my life. I love men and have so missed having one of my own. He has helped me feel safe and secure. I like the company of men and living with one.
GF's wife just lost her job yesterday. I am still not clear why she ever left GF because he has always been such a great guy to me. I know that she spent more money than he wanted and that was a source of conflict but that would not be an issue in our life together because I have learned to live on little and to appreciate all that money doesn't buy. I have never understood why she did not make any kind of effort to work on their marriage, especially since a child was involved. Sometimes I have thought that both she and Husband #2 were selfish, and acted out of their own desires without much regard for the others in their life who they would end up hurting. I have not had much respect for either of our ex-spouses. On the other hand, GF has been a respectful person to others and I think that I have always tried to think of others before myself.
GF's ex just bought a big mini-mansion type home and moved to a new community. She wasn't satisfied with the life she had here in Illinois. Now that she has lost her high-paying banking VP job will she be able to get another and afford their new home? I see her divorce from GF as such a waste. Will it have been all worth it in the end? The disruption of so many lives? GF told me in the early days that Husband #2's loss was his gain. I suppose I could say the same about GF's ex. We are two people who were very wounded but wound up together despite the odds.
When GF and I went to look for homes in the new town, he dropped me off at the local Panera while he went in to meet with his new boss and co-workers (his new job was right down the street). I sat in front of the gas fireplace where I would wait for him until his meeting was over. I watched GF as he walked out of the restaurant and thought about him being such a good man and a good guy. I heard myself say inside, "If you let him go, he won't last long. Some other woman will see his goodness and snatch him right up." And I thought at that moment that I didn't want to let him go. Why should I let someone else have this decent, honorable guy when he can be mine? I don't think it is easy to find good guys out there or maybe I believe that there aren't that many out there. Or you can find a good guy but it ends up all wrong as it did with Husband #2. There are so many variables to relationships. This one between GF and I seems to click.
Maybe it is finally time for me to say goodbye to some of all this past that has been haunting me for so long and to look ahead more to the future with GF. To think about what we will all gain instead of what will be lost. Maybe GF's optimism and zest for life can rub off on me and the boys. Maybe being in GF's strong embrace is where I now need to be.
The boys were in much better moods on the drive home. I let my oldest drive and he made it in far less time than I have since I drive a lot more slowly. They both spoke of joining the wrestling team at the new school upon their return next week; my oldest talked about going to one of the colleges in the new state; my youngest said he had made three friends in his biology class. I had spoken with the boys' school counselor on Wednesday and she met with them first thing Thursday morning to revise their schedules and get rid of some of those extra study halls. She also changed my youngest's lunch period so he can now eat with his brother, whom has already been sitting at a table with Senior cheerleaders. I think they are resigned to the move, although my oldest is upset about leaving his girlfriend as her mom died last March. I asked him if she would prefer that he be living out on the street and offered to drive him back as much as possible to see her.
GF's parents were poor. His dad sold real estate and back in the 70s there was a recession that killed the housing market. GF recalls that they ate so much canned spaghetti and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that it has only been recently that he could eat peanut butter again. After his dad died, there was not much money and he went to work full-time to support his mom and sister. It took GF 8 years to get through college going part-time while working full-time at the same grocery store he had been hired at when he turned 16. He rose to the position of manager there.
GF is not a complaining sort of guy. He is optimistic, loyal, responsible and does what needs to be done without griping (unlike me). He often says, "Life is good," a phrase he adopted after his dad died and "It is what it is." GF had a romantic relationship with a young woman whom he loved but had a fatal illness. It did not matter to him that she was going to die as a young adult. He loved her. She ended up breaking up with him before her untimely death. In the same spirit of love and acceptance, GF married his wife even knowing that she suffered from fertiltiy issues that would make it difficult for them to have a baby.
GF worked at a bank then was a manager at a big name drug store. He and his wife did have a baby through in vitro but their second attempt failed and they lost twins. GF wanted to spend more time with his son and moved to a less demanding store management position. He was extremely involved with his son's life taking a six-month leave of absence after his birth to be with him. GF felt the absence of his father and this of course affected him and how he wanted to be a parent.
I first started communicating with GF after Husband #2 initially filed for divorce in January, '08. My husband refused to speak with me and I was incredibly devastated and heartbroken. In fact, my husband didn't even have the decency to tell me he'd filed, a fact I learned having to call the courthouse every day per the advice of my attorney. GF and I started talking online but I was hesitant and wanted to reconcile with my husband. Basically, GF and I emailed about grief issues and when my husband and I got back together for a few months I ceased all contact with GF. But when my husband refiled for the divorce in July, I again was devastated and thought about GF. I decided to call him because I wanted to know what had happened to him. I truly hoped that he had met a nice woman and had moved on beyond his own pain and grief about his divorce. I called him because I wanted to know that life would go on and that I would survive my own loss. I wanted to know he was okay. Knowing that would somehow give me much needed strength to go forward myself.
I finally drew up the courage to call GF, which I did after going to an antique show attended by what seemed to me to be exclusively couples (gay and straight - mostly middle-aged). He remembered me (after 6 months of no contact) and all of our communication with surprising detail. He had just bought a small home and was with his son. We made arrangements to talk on the phone and soon after, agreed to meet for dinner.
GF was very supportive of me during my long, drawn-out divorce. We were friends and I certainly needed someone to communicate with, especially since my husband had virtually shut out any contact with me. GF was tolerant of the feelings I still had for my husband and was aware of my desire to still try and reconcile. GF also had been "dumped" by his wife who had not given much explanation why. We were two people who needed and wanted communication in our lives with our spouses but had been denied that. GF used to tell me back then that I had been sent to him. I used to think that he had been sent to me.
At the end of my marriage, I had fallen in love with GF and wanted to marry him. I was frightened of being on my own again and unmarried. Even during the divorce process knowing I was still married gave me some kind of comfort. But GF told me that it was too close to his divorce and he needed time to heal. When I made an effort to start communicating with Husband #2 after the divorce was finalized, I told GF although I do not think he thought it was a good idea or would lead anywhere. I know that he felt it would probably end up hurting me.
As the months went by and I faced the sale of my house, GF's ex-wife remarried, he lost his job and his ex moved out of state with his beloved son. Both of us were dealing with huge losses. I didn't have a lot of energy to expend on his issues - I had too much to handle on my own. We had some rough patches but always ended up getting through them with humor, commitment and lots of communication. I considered breaking things off with him when he didn't want to get married but found that I really missed him when he wasn't part of my life.
I saw the lovely home GF resided in with his ex-wife and son. His ex sold the home for a terrible loss before she moved out of state. I also saw the home GF lived in when he was first married which was closer to the city. GF bought his first place, a condo when he was only 25. He has perfect credit and is financially astute. We are both starting over at this point. As are I suppose many others across the nation. But GF has told me that he wants to be part of a family again, he believes we will be better off for being together and that he loves me. Is he perfect? No. Am I perfect? Certainly not. But he has accepted and loved me at my absolute worst. And he has not rejected me as did Husband #2. Rather he has embraced me and held open his arms. The boys get along with him and like him, even respect him. His son likes me.
GF is kind, optimistic, loyal, tolerant, flexible, enjoys the finer things in life, has a sense of humor, is honest and intelligent. I recently told him that at times he may be a bit too honest and maybe doesn't have to tell it like it is All the time. He has admitted when he has been wrong and says he is sorry. He is a devoted Bears, Cubs and Blackhawks fan. I like his strength and his manly scent. He is there when the going gets rough. He is a very physical guy and likes to show affection, hug, kiss and hold hands. He thanks me when I do so to him. He laughs and shares interesting news tibits that he has heard. He can be vulnerable and admits to it. He is well-balanced, doesn't have anger issues, and has done what he says he would do and doesn't cover up what he can't do. His personality is fun-loving and playful but he is serious when he needs to be.
I think he is overall a pretty decent and all-round nice guy. He knows what commitment is - he has faced adversity - I have seen him react to challenges and he has stood tall - he doesn't have any sexual deviances and he has told me that sex is only one part of a relationship, there are other facets of a relationship that are equally important - he is an extremely devoted father - he does his best to get along with his ex-wife and her new husband - he is attractive - he doesn't like to fight and wants to resolve conflict - he doesn't hang up on me when upset (as did Husband #2) - he communicates well - he is a hard worker - he is neat and tidy in how he lives and dresses.
I have always enjoyed being with him and have loved the comfort he provides me by being in my life. I love men and have so missed having one of my own. He has helped me feel safe and secure. I like the company of men and living with one.
GF's wife just lost her job yesterday. I am still not clear why she ever left GF because he has always been such a great guy to me. I know that she spent more money than he wanted and that was a source of conflict but that would not be an issue in our life together because I have learned to live on little and to appreciate all that money doesn't buy. I have never understood why she did not make any kind of effort to work on their marriage, especially since a child was involved. Sometimes I have thought that both she and Husband #2 were selfish, and acted out of their own desires without much regard for the others in their life who they would end up hurting. I have not had much respect for either of our ex-spouses. On the other hand, GF has been a respectful person to others and I think that I have always tried to think of others before myself.
GF's ex just bought a big mini-mansion type home and moved to a new community. She wasn't satisfied with the life she had here in Illinois. Now that she has lost her high-paying banking VP job will she be able to get another and afford their new home? I see her divorce from GF as such a waste. Will it have been all worth it in the end? The disruption of so many lives? GF told me in the early days that Husband #2's loss was his gain. I suppose I could say the same about GF's ex. We are two people who were very wounded but wound up together despite the odds.
When GF and I went to look for homes in the new town, he dropped me off at the local Panera while he went in to meet with his new boss and co-workers (his new job was right down the street). I sat in front of the gas fireplace where I would wait for him until his meeting was over. I watched GF as he walked out of the restaurant and thought about him being such a good man and a good guy. I heard myself say inside, "If you let him go, he won't last long. Some other woman will see his goodness and snatch him right up." And I thought at that moment that I didn't want to let him go. Why should I let someone else have this decent, honorable guy when he can be mine? I don't think it is easy to find good guys out there or maybe I believe that there aren't that many out there. Or you can find a good guy but it ends up all wrong as it did with Husband #2. There are so many variables to relationships. This one between GF and I seems to click.
Maybe it is finally time for me to say goodbye to some of all this past that has been haunting me for so long and to look ahead more to the future with GF. To think about what we will all gain instead of what will be lost. Maybe GF's optimism and zest for life can rub off on me and the boys. Maybe being in GF's strong embrace is where I now need to be.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Bottom of the Barrel
If I have learned anything about grief and loss it is that life can be out of our control at times. Yes, we can control some things - but not everything, no matter how much we try or want the outcome to be. Life doesn't always flow according to our plans or desires. We remarry and have faith again in the future. But all the faith and love in our heart amounts to nothing when our partner refuses to consider reconciling and proceeds ahead with a divorce. We hope to meet a partner healthy enough to love and share our life with. We find one but the relationship takes a turn because of a blasted Recession and the need to move to relocate for employment. So in the end, all we are able to control is our reaction to these events - we can't change how someone feels about us - we can't hope and wish that someone hasn't been forced to move for employment. As much as we love and need someone, when they are dying we can't save them.
I am not a person who gets on well on my own. I thrive on living in a partnership and do not want to trod through the rest of my life alone. I have wanted to be remarried and will continue to want this. Of course that doesn't mean I am just going to get remarried for the sake of being married. I married Husband #2 because I truly loved him and thought it would be a successful partnership. Likewise, my decision to be with GF would have to pass the same criteria.
The thought of having to live by myself and get the boys through high school and then college on my own seems insurmountable to me right now. We are at the bottom of the barrel. I am at a place of having to start over virtually from scratch. Thoughts of eviction, not being able to pay the rent, not having enough money for food, the urgency I face in having to find work are worries and anxiety that now appear endless.
There are no perfect men out there. Husband #1 wasn't a God. We had our problems in our marriage - at one point very early on I even considered divorce. I've gone on after a devastating remarriage and divorce to meet another guy with whom I've gotten along very well. Despite numerous kinks in the road we've managed to hang in there and grow. Our relationship has demonstrated far more more tolerance and commitment than what was experienced in my second marriage. We are both starting over. Certainly not the most ideal circumstances in which to marry or move in together. But I've come to believe is there ever a good time? Who knows what is ahead for any of us. All I know is what I have right now and the picture in my head is grim.
Being able to share life including the burdens and better times is what it is all about for me. That is when I feel alive and am happy. I haven't been very "happy" since my husband's death. There have been little snippets of happiness but overall, when life is a constant grueling grind that is what you end up feeling - defeated, lonely, alone, sad, uninspired, hopeless. How can anyone keep on going with faith in their heart when that is the underlying feeling? The smiles and laughter are fleeting because the scale is unbalanced. When there is more hardship than anything else that is what permeates your feelings and ultimately influences your outlook on the present and future. The bad stuff has more power and it wins the match.
There has been too much hardship in my life of late. Maybe if my path had been different I'd feel stronger or more empowered. But right now I seem to have reached my personal limit as to what I am able to continue to handle on my own. Marriage isn't some instant cure all or easy street. I know that and accept it. But working together and having someone by your side to face life with makes a tremendous difference in the day-to-day quality of it.
What is going to be served by me continuing to suffer so? Is my health and sanity less important than my oldest continuing to play volley ball the next two years?
Is it better to admit defeat graciously and take the option/solution offered even though it isn't ideal? Or is it better to keep struggling to try and ensure a status quo for your kids when doing so appears impossible at the moment? What if I just can't do this anymore? Does that make me a bad mother, a bad person?
To have to balance emotional and social needs against the ones that are ultimately most important and basic - a roof over one's home and food on the table. I cannot currently provide dental care for my children; I am pretty sure I will need to cancel the health insurance at the end of this month; it will be the second Christmas in a row that I am unable to afford gifts for the boys; there isn't enough money left over from the pension for food - whatever I am able to buy comes from the hours I work at the big box store that are not constant or reliable.
I have to think of all the outcomes and potential realities. What if one of the cars or both break down? How will I afford the repairs? What if we cannot pay the rent? Where will we go and what will we do? Would that experience be better for my sons than having to move and at least have a home, medical/dental care and enough food and clothing? Forget the Christmas gifts - I just want to have the mere basics here - all that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs stuff. You can't live without the basics of food, water, feeling protected and shelter. Take it from one who knows and has been there - all of your focus is on surviving and there is nothing left for living and joy. I know in my heart that this isn't the way - we are meant to experience joy and happiness too. Hopefully our lives balance between the hardships and joys.
What does my poor, sad story mean or amount to anyway? The world goes on without stopping or seeing. I am just an insignificant blip on the bigger screen. Today people will be more focused on Oprah's announcement concerning the last airing of her talk show than the fate of our little trio. Our plight is invisible and even if it were more apparent, I'm not sure it would matter. When you are alone like this is is up to you to take the reigns and find the way. It is only you - even when you have reached your personal limit and can't go on any longer.
So, after all these random thoughts, reflections and musings what have I really wanted to say from all this - what is brimming from my heart? It is this - the utter pain at not being able to adequately provide for my children is slowly killing me. There is no greater pain that anyone can feel. You could add up all the grief and loss I have experienced from the death of my husband, then the divorce, followed by losing my house and it would not come close to the depths of pain I am now feeling. And secondly, it has not been the grief from death or divorce that has crushed me. It has been having to face and live life on my own. Some of us do not have the personalities or stamina to do this well.
I am not a person who gets on well on my own. I thrive on living in a partnership and do not want to trod through the rest of my life alone. I have wanted to be remarried and will continue to want this. Of course that doesn't mean I am just going to get remarried for the sake of being married. I married Husband #2 because I truly loved him and thought it would be a successful partnership. Likewise, my decision to be with GF would have to pass the same criteria.
The thought of having to live by myself and get the boys through high school and then college on my own seems insurmountable to me right now. We are at the bottom of the barrel. I am at a place of having to start over virtually from scratch. Thoughts of eviction, not being able to pay the rent, not having enough money for food, the urgency I face in having to find work are worries and anxiety that now appear endless.
There are no perfect men out there. Husband #1 wasn't a God. We had our problems in our marriage - at one point very early on I even considered divorce. I've gone on after a devastating remarriage and divorce to meet another guy with whom I've gotten along very well. Despite numerous kinks in the road we've managed to hang in there and grow. Our relationship has demonstrated far more more tolerance and commitment than what was experienced in my second marriage. We are both starting over. Certainly not the most ideal circumstances in which to marry or move in together. But I've come to believe is there ever a good time? Who knows what is ahead for any of us. All I know is what I have right now and the picture in my head is grim.
Being able to share life including the burdens and better times is what it is all about for me. That is when I feel alive and am happy. I haven't been very "happy" since my husband's death. There have been little snippets of happiness but overall, when life is a constant grueling grind that is what you end up feeling - defeated, lonely, alone, sad, uninspired, hopeless. How can anyone keep on going with faith in their heart when that is the underlying feeling? The smiles and laughter are fleeting because the scale is unbalanced. When there is more hardship than anything else that is what permeates your feelings and ultimately influences your outlook on the present and future. The bad stuff has more power and it wins the match.
There has been too much hardship in my life of late. Maybe if my path had been different I'd feel stronger or more empowered. But right now I seem to have reached my personal limit as to what I am able to continue to handle on my own. Marriage isn't some instant cure all or easy street. I know that and accept it. But working together and having someone by your side to face life with makes a tremendous difference in the day-to-day quality of it.
What is going to be served by me continuing to suffer so? Is my health and sanity less important than my oldest continuing to play volley ball the next two years?
Is it better to admit defeat graciously and take the option/solution offered even though it isn't ideal? Or is it better to keep struggling to try and ensure a status quo for your kids when doing so appears impossible at the moment? What if I just can't do this anymore? Does that make me a bad mother, a bad person?
To have to balance emotional and social needs against the ones that are ultimately most important and basic - a roof over one's home and food on the table. I cannot currently provide dental care for my children; I am pretty sure I will need to cancel the health insurance at the end of this month; it will be the second Christmas in a row that I am unable to afford gifts for the boys; there isn't enough money left over from the pension for food - whatever I am able to buy comes from the hours I work at the big box store that are not constant or reliable.
I have to think of all the outcomes and potential realities. What if one of the cars or both break down? How will I afford the repairs? What if we cannot pay the rent? Where will we go and what will we do? Would that experience be better for my sons than having to move and at least have a home, medical/dental care and enough food and clothing? Forget the Christmas gifts - I just want to have the mere basics here - all that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs stuff. You can't live without the basics of food, water, feeling protected and shelter. Take it from one who knows and has been there - all of your focus is on surviving and there is nothing left for living and joy. I know in my heart that this isn't the way - we are meant to experience joy and happiness too. Hopefully our lives balance between the hardships and joys.
What does my poor, sad story mean or amount to anyway? The world goes on without stopping or seeing. I am just an insignificant blip on the bigger screen. Today people will be more focused on Oprah's announcement concerning the last airing of her talk show than the fate of our little trio. Our plight is invisible and even if it were more apparent, I'm not sure it would matter. When you are alone like this is is up to you to take the reigns and find the way. It is only you - even when you have reached your personal limit and can't go on any longer.
So, after all these random thoughts, reflections and musings what have I really wanted to say from all this - what is brimming from my heart? It is this - the utter pain at not being able to adequately provide for my children is slowly killing me. There is no greater pain that anyone can feel. You could add up all the grief and loss I have experienced from the death of my husband, then the divorce, followed by losing my house and it would not come close to the depths of pain I am now feeling. And secondly, it has not been the grief from death or divorce that has crushed me. It has been having to face and live life on my own. Some of us do not have the personalities or stamina to do this well.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Behind and Ahead
"Although there are many things behind us, some of them wretched and sad and painful, there's also so much ahead of us, so much to look forward to, so much yet to come."
I read these words last night before going to sleep from a new book I started, "Man and Wife" by Tony Parsons. I was so struck by them I repeated them over and over. I was in particular moved by the words "wretched, sad and painful" because I think they so aptly describe my husband's death, the years that followed and then my divorce.
I was reading out loud to GF and told him if we marry I would like these words as part of our vows. In fact, these words are from the section when the main character is getting married himself. GF and I both have our losses. We are not starting out fresh, bright and new like a shiny penny. Believe me, I see us more as a dull and scraped coin. But that part about so much ahead to look forward to, so much to come. A perfect description of the reality of what has been but what remains open to the future. I just love this sentence! It says it all. The reality of the past and the hope for tomorrow. Maybe those two old coins can be shined up a bit and smoothed over.
I read these words last night before going to sleep from a new book I started, "Man and Wife" by Tony Parsons. I was so struck by them I repeated them over and over. I was in particular moved by the words "wretched, sad and painful" because I think they so aptly describe my husband's death, the years that followed and then my divorce.
I was reading out loud to GF and told him if we marry I would like these words as part of our vows. In fact, these words are from the section when the main character is getting married himself. GF and I both have our losses. We are not starting out fresh, bright and new like a shiny penny. Believe me, I see us more as a dull and scraped coin. But that part about so much ahead to look forward to, so much to come. A perfect description of the reality of what has been but what remains open to the future. I just love this sentence! It says it all. The reality of the past and the hope for tomorrow. Maybe those two old coins can be shined up a bit and smoothed over.
Fork in the Road
I took my boys out of school today to visit the town, house and school where GF now lives. We left yesterday right after school and survived the four-hour drive in the dark. It was exceptionally nice to sleep with GF last night - just to be in the same bed with him and to be able to sleep the whole night through. I derive a lot of comfort out of that. Basically, it was worth the entire trip just for that aspect. I have only rarely spent the night with him because of not wanting to leave the boys home alone. So to have all of us under the same roof, safe and together was very comforting.
The tour at the school lasted three hours. They couldn't have been nicer. ALL the coaches met the boys, plus the activities director and the band teacher, who it ends up knows my son's current band teacher. He said he was going to call him this afternoon to say he'd met my son! They just really rolled out the red carpet for the boys and were practically drooling with the hope that the boys would play football and baseball. I liked how the football coach honestly described the school. He said they are located in a decent blue collar community so the test scores may not be the best but the teachers really work with the students and the school functions as a very strong community. I really sensed that during the tour.
That honest description of the town impresses me. Since my husband's death I've become so much more down-to-earth and less materialistic. Give me a straight up blue collar guy anyday over a stuck-up more wealthy professional. I've had the later with Husband #2 and where did that get me? Just more poor and miserable in the end!
The boys were very polite (thank God) but afterward compalined that they did not see "one hot chick" and that "everyone looks EMO." They have eyes and are observant so they did acknowledge that the town is blue collar. It is a rural farming community but GF's HOUSE is just five minutes from his job and the school is only two blocks away. There is no traffic. It is quiet. There are all the comforts of home - Super Target, Walmart, KFC, Taco Bell. It is not like we would be in the boon docks. Part of me thought about living in such a quiet place with no need to rush about frantically. That was nice, as was thinking about GF coming home to us and me being able to prepare a nice dinner for all of us...
Because of the school's grading period, they would prefer the boys start at the end of the month. If not, they would need to start in March. I finally got up the courage to ask GF if we waited would HE wait for me/us. He said yes but that he is not sure I can make it financially until spring. He has never pushed me to move or threated to leave me if I don't (unlike Husband #2). He reiterates that he hopes I will do so because it will be a better life for all of us. He admits that he knows it will be hard to move.
I did a fair amount of crying on this trip. Tears of tiredness and fear. I spoke to the boys about our difficult financial situation. I told them that I am losing the ability to keep this way of life up on my own.
All these years I have struggled to keep the boys grounded and in this same community and school. Some of it is because I have wanted to make them feel happy, safe and secure. I have wanted to make up for their having lost their Dad to death. I have wanted to protect them from further pain and loss. Only now I am beginning to realize that I can't continue to mount this battle to protect them because in reality I can't fully protect them. And I am realizing that I don't want to keep going on like this - I don't want to keep GF waiting. Maybe I'll protect the boys from loss and pain awhile longer but at what price to my own health and sanity? And even if we reamin living here, there will be difficulties the boys will feel. We'll continue to limp along financially. It is trading some losses for others.
We were given a truly crummy hand with all of this. But I've reached a point where I've been given an alternative. GF reminded me of that offer again today before we left - his willingness to marry and become a family. I so deeply wish that the three of us did not have to travel on this road. I wish my husband had never died. I wish Husband #2 hadn't divorced me. But that not being the case, I have to face this new juncture from where I am standing. This is a new fork in the road. It leads to a new state, a new high school, a new life, a man there for all of us and in bed with me when it is cold and dark. I have never had the strength or courage to travel down the new road before. Maybe this roadtrip has been the first step in that journey.
Today I am grateful for:
1. The warn, clear weather.
2. Walgreen's drug stores (my favorite store since you can buy anything and everything there).
3. Rolling corn fields.
4. The smell of freshly overturned dirt from the corn fields.
5. Panera.
The tour at the school lasted three hours. They couldn't have been nicer. ALL the coaches met the boys, plus the activities director and the band teacher, who it ends up knows my son's current band teacher. He said he was going to call him this afternoon to say he'd met my son! They just really rolled out the red carpet for the boys and were practically drooling with the hope that the boys would play football and baseball. I liked how the football coach honestly described the school. He said they are located in a decent blue collar community so the test scores may not be the best but the teachers really work with the students and the school functions as a very strong community. I really sensed that during the tour.
That honest description of the town impresses me. Since my husband's death I've become so much more down-to-earth and less materialistic. Give me a straight up blue collar guy anyday over a stuck-up more wealthy professional. I've had the later with Husband #2 and where did that get me? Just more poor and miserable in the end!
The boys were very polite (thank God) but afterward compalined that they did not see "one hot chick" and that "everyone looks EMO." They have eyes and are observant so they did acknowledge that the town is blue collar. It is a rural farming community but GF's HOUSE is just five minutes from his job and the school is only two blocks away. There is no traffic. It is quiet. There are all the comforts of home - Super Target, Walmart, KFC, Taco Bell. It is not like we would be in the boon docks. Part of me thought about living in such a quiet place with no need to rush about frantically. That was nice, as was thinking about GF coming home to us and me being able to prepare a nice dinner for all of us...
Because of the school's grading period, they would prefer the boys start at the end of the month. If not, they would need to start in March. I finally got up the courage to ask GF if we waited would HE wait for me/us. He said yes but that he is not sure I can make it financially until spring. He has never pushed me to move or threated to leave me if I don't (unlike Husband #2). He reiterates that he hopes I will do so because it will be a better life for all of us. He admits that he knows it will be hard to move.
I did a fair amount of crying on this trip. Tears of tiredness and fear. I spoke to the boys about our difficult financial situation. I told them that I am losing the ability to keep this way of life up on my own.
All these years I have struggled to keep the boys grounded and in this same community and school. Some of it is because I have wanted to make them feel happy, safe and secure. I have wanted to make up for their having lost their Dad to death. I have wanted to protect them from further pain and loss. Only now I am beginning to realize that I can't continue to mount this battle to protect them because in reality I can't fully protect them. And I am realizing that I don't want to keep going on like this - I don't want to keep GF waiting. Maybe I'll protect the boys from loss and pain awhile longer but at what price to my own health and sanity? And even if we reamin living here, there will be difficulties the boys will feel. We'll continue to limp along financially. It is trading some losses for others.
We were given a truly crummy hand with all of this. But I've reached a point where I've been given an alternative. GF reminded me of that offer again today before we left - his willingness to marry and become a family. I so deeply wish that the three of us did not have to travel on this road. I wish my husband had never died. I wish Husband #2 hadn't divorced me. But that not being the case, I have to face this new juncture from where I am standing. This is a new fork in the road. It leads to a new state, a new high school, a new life, a man there for all of us and in bed with me when it is cold and dark. I have never had the strength or courage to travel down the new road before. Maybe this roadtrip has been the first step in that journey.
Today I am grateful for:
1. The warn, clear weather.
2. Walgreen's drug stores (my favorite store since you can buy anything and everything there).
3. Rolling corn fields.
4. The smell of freshly overturned dirt from the corn fields.
5. Panera.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Dinner Around the Kitchen Table
I am feeling utterly drained. I don't think I've restored myself from helping Guyfriend (GF) move last weekend. Going to school four days a week is more tiring than I expected. There is homework and tests to study for, as well as reading. I am finding that my mind works more slowly than it did some years ago - or maybe the fatigue has a contibuting factor.
The drive to school is about an hour each way - lots of time to think and reflect. Especially on the situation of moving and marriage. I am wondering if all that reflection is also adding to my feelings of exhaustion. Everything is coming down at once! GF has been at his new job training in Detroit this week. I asked him what are some of the things he has been learning and he mentioned open and closed communication which is pretty funny because we also talked about that in my classes this week too! GF told me that he listed me as his emergency contact with the title of fiance. I laughed about that because he has never formally asked me to marry him. Rather, he has said that we will get married in December if I move. I don't doubt his feelings for me or his honorable intentions in the least. He is the real deal - genuine, honest and true to his word. Probably a good guy to have around when the going gets tough.
One thought has kept coming back to me over and over this week. My mind reviews the movie in my head titled, "The Widowhood Years" and what makes me most sad out of everything is that in these years, my sons and I have rarely eaten together as a family around a table. The last year of my husband's life, we got into this habit of eating dinner in the van on the way to see him in the hospital (to save time, convenience, etc.). After his death, we started eating in front of the t.v., or I'd make and serve dinner at odd hours because of sports, or we'd eat at the location of the sporting event we were at. Later, when my parents became so ill, we sometimes ate with my mom or I ate on my own and the boys ate beforehand. Just a mishmosh of throwing together meals, a lot of times on the fly.
I guess I equate the dinners the four of us used to share around a table, like a normal family with what is normal and should be for children to experience growing up. After my husband's death there was no normal. I know there are lots of ways to parent, lots of ways to live, lots of way to do things. There are probably a fair number of intact families out there eating around the t.v. most nights. But that was not what I ever expected would happen to us. Certainly not from a dedicated mom with her master's in psych. - of all moms, I knew better.
But as we all know, life doesn't go according to plan and we end up doing the best we can with the situation we face. And that leaves me today, a tired, depleted, middle-aged mom with a chance again at love struggling with balancing my own needs against what is best for my boys. In any case, for me the toughest grief I have had to face has not been the death of my husband but everything that came afterward as a result of his death. Like the lost routine of eating around the kitchen table.
The drive to school is about an hour each way - lots of time to think and reflect. Especially on the situation of moving and marriage. I am wondering if all that reflection is also adding to my feelings of exhaustion. Everything is coming down at once! GF has been at his new job training in Detroit this week. I asked him what are some of the things he has been learning and he mentioned open and closed communication which is pretty funny because we also talked about that in my classes this week too! GF told me that he listed me as his emergency contact with the title of fiance. I laughed about that because he has never formally asked me to marry him. Rather, he has said that we will get married in December if I move. I don't doubt his feelings for me or his honorable intentions in the least. He is the real deal - genuine, honest and true to his word. Probably a good guy to have around when the going gets tough.
One thought has kept coming back to me over and over this week. My mind reviews the movie in my head titled, "The Widowhood Years" and what makes me most sad out of everything is that in these years, my sons and I have rarely eaten together as a family around a table. The last year of my husband's life, we got into this habit of eating dinner in the van on the way to see him in the hospital (to save time, convenience, etc.). After his death, we started eating in front of the t.v., or I'd make and serve dinner at odd hours because of sports, or we'd eat at the location of the sporting event we were at. Later, when my parents became so ill, we sometimes ate with my mom or I ate on my own and the boys ate beforehand. Just a mishmosh of throwing together meals, a lot of times on the fly.
I guess I equate the dinners the four of us used to share around a table, like a normal family with what is normal and should be for children to experience growing up. After my husband's death there was no normal. I know there are lots of ways to parent, lots of ways to live, lots of way to do things. There are probably a fair number of intact families out there eating around the t.v. most nights. But that was not what I ever expected would happen to us. Certainly not from a dedicated mom with her master's in psych. - of all moms, I knew better.
But as we all know, life doesn't go according to plan and we end up doing the best we can with the situation we face. And that leaves me today, a tired, depleted, middle-aged mom with a chance again at love struggling with balancing my own needs against what is best for my boys. In any case, for me the toughest grief I have had to face has not been the death of my husband but everything that came afterward as a result of his death. Like the lost routine of eating around the kitchen table.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Message to Danielle Steel
I am not a book snob. I enjoy classic literature, lots of self-help stuff, current bestsellers and Danielle Steel. Quite frankly, there are some times when only a Danielle Steel will do, like when I need a good cry and I'm having trouble making tears. I carry my D.S. books around without taking off the jackets or hiding the title. By the same token I do not hide the fact that I really find Hamburger Helper pretty tasty (although I only use ground turkey).
Anyway, the reason I bring this topic up is that my Certified Nursing Assistant instructor mentioned today that she doesn't watch much t.v., although she does enjoy reading Danielle Steel. But she added that she is getting tired of this author because her characters are always rich, famous, princesses and the like. My instructor commented that it would be nice to have Ms. Steel write one of her novels with poor or more ordinary characters. I replied that I find D.S. books to always have happy endings where everything works out with minimal conflict.
I was thinking of one of Steel's novels involving a widow with five kids. Her attorney husband is murdered by his client's vindictive ex-husband. New widow (also an attorney) falls in love with the doctor (if I am remembering correctly) who treats her teenager son after he is involved in a car accident. Doctor doesn't have kids of his own and is ready and willing to accept widow's bunch. A few of her kids put up some resistance but he wins them all over in the end and the couple gets married a year after the husband's death.
Now I had a similar situation with the man I remarried (being quickly swept off my feet) but he lacked the tolerance (no kids) or experience (never married) to win my sons over and bailed out so fast I can still hear the screech of his tires when our life became challenging. Someone should take my situation and make it into a novel (more realistic). Or how about my reality of meeting another guy who is really and willing to accept my sons (plus he is tolerant, accepting and patient besides) but he has moved out-of-state and marrying him would involve uprooting my sons for their last one and two years of high school. How about that situation for a D.S. novel? What would the characters do to reach that happy, everybody wins ending?
Message to Danielle Steel - Please write some books about normal widows facing complicated lives and decisions that are not so easily resolved. You'd still sell the books and they might prove to be of more value to readers out there instead of giving them pure escapism and fantasy.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Pumpkin donuts from Dunkin' Donuts
2. Pumpkin pie
3. Pumpkin flavored lip gloss (who would have thought that this would ever be created?)
4. Danielle Steel books
5. The first lit and decorated Christmas tree I saw this year in the window of the karate studio down the street.
Anyway, the reason I bring this topic up is that my Certified Nursing Assistant instructor mentioned today that she doesn't watch much t.v., although she does enjoy reading Danielle Steel. But she added that she is getting tired of this author because her characters are always rich, famous, princesses and the like. My instructor commented that it would be nice to have Ms. Steel write one of her novels with poor or more ordinary characters. I replied that I find D.S. books to always have happy endings where everything works out with minimal conflict.
I was thinking of one of Steel's novels involving a widow with five kids. Her attorney husband is murdered by his client's vindictive ex-husband. New widow (also an attorney) falls in love with the doctor (if I am remembering correctly) who treats her teenager son after he is involved in a car accident. Doctor doesn't have kids of his own and is ready and willing to accept widow's bunch. A few of her kids put up some resistance but he wins them all over in the end and the couple gets married a year after the husband's death.
Now I had a similar situation with the man I remarried (being quickly swept off my feet) but he lacked the tolerance (no kids) or experience (never married) to win my sons over and bailed out so fast I can still hear the screech of his tires when our life became challenging. Someone should take my situation and make it into a novel (more realistic). Or how about my reality of meeting another guy who is really and willing to accept my sons (plus he is tolerant, accepting and patient besides) but he has moved out-of-state and marrying him would involve uprooting my sons for their last one and two years of high school. How about that situation for a D.S. novel? What would the characters do to reach that happy, everybody wins ending?
Message to Danielle Steel - Please write some books about normal widows facing complicated lives and decisions that are not so easily resolved. You'd still sell the books and they might prove to be of more value to readers out there instead of giving them pure escapism and fantasy.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Pumpkin donuts from Dunkin' Donuts
2. Pumpkin pie
3. Pumpkin flavored lip gloss (who would have thought that this would ever be created?)
4. Danielle Steel books
5. The first lit and decorated Christmas tree I saw this year in the window of the karate studio down the street.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
When it Rains it Pours
I find weeks like the one I've just survived, challenging for me. I think the widowhood component really plays a hand in it all. Juggling too many things, physically and emotionally tired, not getting enough sleep, "only" parenting, worrying on top of everything.
Last Sunday I spent the day at the storage shed and dropped a heavy box on my right foot. I've been in significant pain since and have had to wear a slipper, as my foot and toes are swollen and terribly bruised. I went to the doctor who wanted me to get an x-ray but the week has been so crazy I've skipped that. I started my Certified Nursing Training, with classes meeting an hour away Tue., Wed. and Thur. during the day. Then on Tue. night my oldest had a band concert. I drove my son's drum set to guyfriend's house because it took up so much space in the storage shed. That took two trips (two evenings since he lives an hour and 15 minutes away). In my free time I read the text book and studied for an exam. And I met with my attorney to discuss the option of filing for bankruptcy and I delivered various tax and financial documents. As if all this wasn't enough, I had to give the apt. a good cleaning because they were doing a maintenance check on Wed. and would come in while I was in class - I hate that - not being home when someone will be there! But wait there's more! The "Service Engine Soon" light keeps popping up on and off when I drive my car, so just something else to toss on the plate to worry about.
But the real kicker was helping guyfriend move 4 hours out-of-state. We did it ourselves (to save money) starting on Friday morning. Packed up his entire little house and carried all his furniture in the rain to the truck. His home is actually smaller than my apartment and it was a good thing that he was kind of living like a bachelor. As in a lot of divorces, his ex kept everything and he just picked up used furniture and such at garage sales (except for the electronics and computers which are all new, big and hard to carry). We unloaded the beds and put together the king size one so we could sleep on it Friday night. Again, it was raining and cold (there were even snow flurries mixed in with the rain). The 4 hour drive took 5 hours because we had to drive through rain and wind.
The next morning we quickly finished unloading the truck. Although it was cold, the sun was out. Guyfriend rented a nice and cozy one-level home with a finished basement (3 bedrooms). The landlords are a delighful older couple and the woman hugged me upon meeting me. The neighborhood is modest but very well-kept and cute. The high school is two blocks away. Guyfriend's new job is 5 minutes away.
I was a bit resentful helping guyfriend with his move because I felt that he had kind of wimped out in helping me with mine and believe me, my move was pretty major - I've got stuff in 3 storage sheds that I'm trying to consolidate and it took the movers 2 days to complete! Talk about stressful and exhausting! I talked to guyfrind about this, also telling him that I was giving up the only two days I had off to work in the storage sheds to assist him. It didn't help that I had a bum toe and foot either. Then because it was Halloween the boys had a lot of activites scheduled and I insisted they find friends to sleep over at since I'd be out of town on Friday night. But that was just another aspect of the scheduling logistics needed. I suppose some of my resentment also stems from the fact that when I help someone like this it is at a cost to myself and my family. Two days away from the homefront and things start to fall apart. Guyfriend doesn't have to make arrangements for his son or to worry about him while he is away - just another piece of the widowhood puzzle that rears its ugly head, especially when I'm interacting with someone who doesn't face the same parenting challenges.
Guyfriend's training schedule necessitated that he make this move so quickly. He also wanted his home empty for the new renters he hopes to get for his place. He needed to fly out for training in Detroit today where he'll be for a week. He comes back next Sunday but flies out again for another week in Detroit after a week at this home base. It was just all so rushed and crazy. But we got it done - and we talked through my resentment and he listened and heard me and acknowledged me. We also talked about my moving to be with him and get married but he accepted that it is a hard situation for me. He told me he hopes I will do so because we make a "good couple" and we will have a good life together. I will always be welcome in his home, even if I can't move right away. He is not going to force or try to pressure me, which is exactly the opposite of how Husband #2 reacted.
We were a good team together this weekend. We get along so well and even when I am terribly upset, we work out the issue. Despite the hard, physical labor of moving, we had fun together and as always I enjoy just being in his company. I got home Saturday night and picked up my youngest from a Halloween party around 10. I was so beat and drained. It was fortunate that the time was put back and I could gain an hour of sleep because I had to be at my clinical this morning at 7 a.m. and only got about 5 hours of sleep. My foot is still swollen so I had to wear a different shoe to the clinical and I feared I'd have to cancel and make it up. But I got through it and am so glad my first week of class is over - just 4 to go! I feel a sense of accomplishment for all that I achieved this week. After I got home this afternoon I put in 3 hours at the storage shed and have finally made a dent and enough space so I can start transferring things from one of the other sheds tomorrow.
I still have to figure out what we are going to do about moving with the boys. I talked with them today and both want to complete high school here. I pointed out that we will still be financially strained here but the social aspects and potential scholarships their coaches are pursuing for them seem to be the great draw. Guyfriend told me if we stay, he can have "visitation" with me every other weekend.
Right now I am tired again and going to bed early to try and make up some sleep. I am sore and I miss guyfriend. He is now 4 hours away and that is pretty far.
Last Sunday I spent the day at the storage shed and dropped a heavy box on my right foot. I've been in significant pain since and have had to wear a slipper, as my foot and toes are swollen and terribly bruised. I went to the doctor who wanted me to get an x-ray but the week has been so crazy I've skipped that. I started my Certified Nursing Training, with classes meeting an hour away Tue., Wed. and Thur. during the day. Then on Tue. night my oldest had a band concert. I drove my son's drum set to guyfriend's house because it took up so much space in the storage shed. That took two trips (two evenings since he lives an hour and 15 minutes away). In my free time I read the text book and studied for an exam. And I met with my attorney to discuss the option of filing for bankruptcy and I delivered various tax and financial documents. As if all this wasn't enough, I had to give the apt. a good cleaning because they were doing a maintenance check on Wed. and would come in while I was in class - I hate that - not being home when someone will be there! But wait there's more! The "Service Engine Soon" light keeps popping up on and off when I drive my car, so just something else to toss on the plate to worry about.
But the real kicker was helping guyfriend move 4 hours out-of-state. We did it ourselves (to save money) starting on Friday morning. Packed up his entire little house and carried all his furniture in the rain to the truck. His home is actually smaller than my apartment and it was a good thing that he was kind of living like a bachelor. As in a lot of divorces, his ex kept everything and he just picked up used furniture and such at garage sales (except for the electronics and computers which are all new, big and hard to carry). We unloaded the beds and put together the king size one so we could sleep on it Friday night. Again, it was raining and cold (there were even snow flurries mixed in with the rain). The 4 hour drive took 5 hours because we had to drive through rain and wind.
The next morning we quickly finished unloading the truck. Although it was cold, the sun was out. Guyfriend rented a nice and cozy one-level home with a finished basement (3 bedrooms). The landlords are a delighful older couple and the woman hugged me upon meeting me. The neighborhood is modest but very well-kept and cute. The high school is two blocks away. Guyfriend's new job is 5 minutes away.
I was a bit resentful helping guyfriend with his move because I felt that he had kind of wimped out in helping me with mine and believe me, my move was pretty major - I've got stuff in 3 storage sheds that I'm trying to consolidate and it took the movers 2 days to complete! Talk about stressful and exhausting! I talked to guyfrind about this, also telling him that I was giving up the only two days I had off to work in the storage sheds to assist him. It didn't help that I had a bum toe and foot either. Then because it was Halloween the boys had a lot of activites scheduled and I insisted they find friends to sleep over at since I'd be out of town on Friday night. But that was just another aspect of the scheduling logistics needed. I suppose some of my resentment also stems from the fact that when I help someone like this it is at a cost to myself and my family. Two days away from the homefront and things start to fall apart. Guyfriend doesn't have to make arrangements for his son or to worry about him while he is away - just another piece of the widowhood puzzle that rears its ugly head, especially when I'm interacting with someone who doesn't face the same parenting challenges.
Guyfriend's training schedule necessitated that he make this move so quickly. He also wanted his home empty for the new renters he hopes to get for his place. He needed to fly out for training in Detroit today where he'll be for a week. He comes back next Sunday but flies out again for another week in Detroit after a week at this home base. It was just all so rushed and crazy. But we got it done - and we talked through my resentment and he listened and heard me and acknowledged me. We also talked about my moving to be with him and get married but he accepted that it is a hard situation for me. He told me he hopes I will do so because we make a "good couple" and we will have a good life together. I will always be welcome in his home, even if I can't move right away. He is not going to force or try to pressure me, which is exactly the opposite of how Husband #2 reacted.
We were a good team together this weekend. We get along so well and even when I am terribly upset, we work out the issue. Despite the hard, physical labor of moving, we had fun together and as always I enjoy just being in his company. I got home Saturday night and picked up my youngest from a Halloween party around 10. I was so beat and drained. It was fortunate that the time was put back and I could gain an hour of sleep because I had to be at my clinical this morning at 7 a.m. and only got about 5 hours of sleep. My foot is still swollen so I had to wear a different shoe to the clinical and I feared I'd have to cancel and make it up. But I got through it and am so glad my first week of class is over - just 4 to go! I feel a sense of accomplishment for all that I achieved this week. After I got home this afternoon I put in 3 hours at the storage shed and have finally made a dent and enough space so I can start transferring things from one of the other sheds tomorrow.
I still have to figure out what we are going to do about moving with the boys. I talked with them today and both want to complete high school here. I pointed out that we will still be financially strained here but the social aspects and potential scholarships their coaches are pursuing for them seem to be the great draw. Guyfriend told me if we stay, he can have "visitation" with me every other weekend.
Right now I am tired again and going to bed early to try and make up some sleep. I am sore and I miss guyfriend. He is now 4 hours away and that is pretty far.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Drowning Again
I have been pulled under the waves of despondency again. I am grappling with the major decision of remarrying and moving-out-of-state. As the new school term there starts Nov. 30th, this move would be in the upcoming weeks - and I haven't even finished unpacking for this apartment yet! I agonize over transferring my sons out of their high school where they are accepted and popular. One is a Junior, the other a Sophomore. Since my husband's death, all I have focused on is what has been best for my boys. I am trying to save them from more uncertainty, pain and instability. If we move, yes, the financial situation will be better but one will not be able to play boy's volleyball because they do not have that as a high school sport there. He is supposed to be playing varsity volleyball this spring and he has also been asked to try out for the male lead for the spring musical. Not to mention being deprived of completing his Senior year with his class, just a year and a half away. My other son ran varsity track as a Freshman last year - our concerns are that he might not be able to compete athletically coming in as a transfer student. We need to verify that because he is hoping to obtain a college track scholarship.
The community we would be moving into is a larger town surrounded by farmland four hours away. Yesterday, Guyfriend and I battled the relentless rain to look at rental homes. They were rundown and shabby. In fact, the entire town looked that way - tired and sad in the rain. We have been spoiled living in this beautiful community of quaint towns and showcase houses all these years. The need to move is because Guyfriend lost his job and has only been offered this one out-of-state. He does not want to sell his small home because of the terrible market so hopes to rent it out for the time being. That necessitates us living in a rental. When I showed the boys some photos of the homes available, they were less than impressed. "I thought moving was supposed to improve our situation," my oldest remarked as he looked at the homes with disappointment.
There is no question of my feelings or love for Guyfriend. My therapist said that in a way he was a blessing that came out of my divorce. And he and I are well-matched, we get along, we are sexually and physically attracted to one another. No major problems anywhere except for the fact that I have two boys smack dab in the middle of their high school careers and I am worried about all the what ifs that may occur if we move. As if I can even control the future, anyway. We all know how impossible that is but I think that I have been so focused on keeping the boys in this school district because it was about the only thing I could control.
Today is the 18th anniversary of my marriage - married 12 years and now widowed six. On Sunday it will be the anniversary of my husband's death. I wish I could talk to him to ask him what to do. Do I go with the love and financial/marital stability of a new life even though it scares the bejezus out of me? Do I continue to try and protect these boys from what I perceive as pain and suffering? Do I continue to slog along on my own and at least give my boys the stability and predictability of finishing high school here?
My therapist says there is no right or wrong answer here and that is what makes it so difficult. She reminded me how fortunate it is to have met a man who has virtually all of the qualities and values that are important to me - kindness, sense of humor, flexibility, tolerance, optimism, honesty, loyalty, communincation skills, courage, responsible, intelligence. His father died days before his 16th birthday so he has dealt with grief and loss.
I do suspect that if my husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be struggling with all of this. But having faced so much loss, I've gone into some kind of mode where all my devotion and energy has been so centered on my sons. Yes, I do know they'll be gone in a couple of years so I have to consider that. I guess deep down I feel like I'm failing them or selling out for my own gain if we move. When my husband died, all the care and responsibility fell on me. Coming from a neglectful/abusive childhood,I embraced protecting and mothering my sons with even more duty and responsibility - it became a mission of love and devotion.
It helps to write this all out and get what is really inside me. I don't want to hide from this. Life hasn't been easy or fair but so what? That reality doesn't make this decision any easier - maybe it even makes it harder. I so want just a little bit of life to go my way for once. To let the boys at least finish out their high school years in one piece instead of having to face more change and turmoil.
One of the widowhood obstacles I've encountered has been the lack of compassion for my sons. It is like everyone has expected them to bounce back and be resilient. It is like everyone sees past them but not into them. Enough years have passed by now where the loss of their Dad is somewhat overlooked or forgotten and some people don't even know (if we've just met them). But they are still struggling, maybe even more so because they are older, more mature and understand how much they have really lost.
I guess life is just a bunch of trade-offs. A new dad (stable, kind, dependable) but losing one's friends. Guyfriend says he will be able to help me drive the boys around to all their events - but they won't have any (at first anyway) to participate in! What if they don't make any friends or worse off do so with the wrong crowd? Am I being silly for thinking of these things? Wouldn't I be a worse parent if I didn't? It is easy for Guyfriend to reassure me and tell me everything will work out. But these are not his kids - nor have they lived with a dad the past seven years. It has just been us facing some pretty stormy seas together, tossing and turning together on our life raft, hanging on to each other for dear life. We've made it this far...
When I started seeing Guyfriend he had a job and his wife still lived in the same town with their son. She remarried and moved out-of-state, he lost his job. Life's twists and turns played out full force. I am so tired of always having to think and plan and figure out what to do. I want to lie in bed and go to sleep and somehow turn off the turmoil in my head for at least a little bit.
Today I am grateful:
1. Well, I suppose I should say that I even have another option to consider (moving), right?
2. For Guyfriend.
3. For the anniversary of this day and what it means - a marriage that resulted in the creation of two fine young men.
4. For all the love and hope I embraced when I married 18 years ago on this date - I so wish some of that could be more fully restored so I could believe it again.
5. For Husband #1 - everything I have done has been in tribute to him and for the benefit of our sons.
The community we would be moving into is a larger town surrounded by farmland four hours away. Yesterday, Guyfriend and I battled the relentless rain to look at rental homes. They were rundown and shabby. In fact, the entire town looked that way - tired and sad in the rain. We have been spoiled living in this beautiful community of quaint towns and showcase houses all these years. The need to move is because Guyfriend lost his job and has only been offered this one out-of-state. He does not want to sell his small home because of the terrible market so hopes to rent it out for the time being. That necessitates us living in a rental. When I showed the boys some photos of the homes available, they were less than impressed. "I thought moving was supposed to improve our situation," my oldest remarked as he looked at the homes with disappointment.
There is no question of my feelings or love for Guyfriend. My therapist said that in a way he was a blessing that came out of my divorce. And he and I are well-matched, we get along, we are sexually and physically attracted to one another. No major problems anywhere except for the fact that I have two boys smack dab in the middle of their high school careers and I am worried about all the what ifs that may occur if we move. As if I can even control the future, anyway. We all know how impossible that is but I think that I have been so focused on keeping the boys in this school district because it was about the only thing I could control.
Today is the 18th anniversary of my marriage - married 12 years and now widowed six. On Sunday it will be the anniversary of my husband's death. I wish I could talk to him to ask him what to do. Do I go with the love and financial/marital stability of a new life even though it scares the bejezus out of me? Do I continue to try and protect these boys from what I perceive as pain and suffering? Do I continue to slog along on my own and at least give my boys the stability and predictability of finishing high school here?
My therapist says there is no right or wrong answer here and that is what makes it so difficult. She reminded me how fortunate it is to have met a man who has virtually all of the qualities and values that are important to me - kindness, sense of humor, flexibility, tolerance, optimism, honesty, loyalty, communincation skills, courage, responsible, intelligence. His father died days before his 16th birthday so he has dealt with grief and loss.
I do suspect that if my husband hadn't died, I wouldn't be struggling with all of this. But having faced so much loss, I've gone into some kind of mode where all my devotion and energy has been so centered on my sons. Yes, I do know they'll be gone in a couple of years so I have to consider that. I guess deep down I feel like I'm failing them or selling out for my own gain if we move. When my husband died, all the care and responsibility fell on me. Coming from a neglectful/abusive childhood,I embraced protecting and mothering my sons with even more duty and responsibility - it became a mission of love and devotion.
It helps to write this all out and get what is really inside me. I don't want to hide from this. Life hasn't been easy or fair but so what? That reality doesn't make this decision any easier - maybe it even makes it harder. I so want just a little bit of life to go my way for once. To let the boys at least finish out their high school years in one piece instead of having to face more change and turmoil.
One of the widowhood obstacles I've encountered has been the lack of compassion for my sons. It is like everyone has expected them to bounce back and be resilient. It is like everyone sees past them but not into them. Enough years have passed by now where the loss of their Dad is somewhat overlooked or forgotten and some people don't even know (if we've just met them). But they are still struggling, maybe even more so because they are older, more mature and understand how much they have really lost.
I guess life is just a bunch of trade-offs. A new dad (stable, kind, dependable) but losing one's friends. Guyfriend says he will be able to help me drive the boys around to all their events - but they won't have any (at first anyway) to participate in! What if they don't make any friends or worse off do so with the wrong crowd? Am I being silly for thinking of these things? Wouldn't I be a worse parent if I didn't? It is easy for Guyfriend to reassure me and tell me everything will work out. But these are not his kids - nor have they lived with a dad the past seven years. It has just been us facing some pretty stormy seas together, tossing and turning together on our life raft, hanging on to each other for dear life. We've made it this far...
When I started seeing Guyfriend he had a job and his wife still lived in the same town with their son. She remarried and moved out-of-state, he lost his job. Life's twists and turns played out full force. I am so tired of always having to think and plan and figure out what to do. I want to lie in bed and go to sleep and somehow turn off the turmoil in my head for at least a little bit.
Today I am grateful:
1. Well, I suppose I should say that I even have another option to consider (moving), right?
2. For Guyfriend.
3. For the anniversary of this day and what it means - a marriage that resulted in the creation of two fine young men.
4. For all the love and hope I embraced when I married 18 years ago on this date - I so wish some of that could be more fully restored so I could believe it again.
5. For Husband #1 - everything I have done has been in tribute to him and for the benefit of our sons.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Needs and Options
I have not seen my therapist in a few weeks in an effort to save money. During our last session she commented that times of intense grief can lead to great personal insight, strength and growth. She added that she knew if I had a choice to have my husband back and not have gone through all this turmoil, in a heartbeat, I'd have him back. But one of the outcomes to his death has been increased self-awareness and development.
When I'm cutting corners and not seeing my therapist I try to read, study and continue to work on my grief. I've been reading a book by life coach Talane Miedaner. In it, she has a "Needs" quiz to take which helps you identify your specific, individual top four needs. These are the ones shaping your personality, driving you - your thoughts and decisions. I was pretty sure that some of my top needs would revolve around needing to feel safe, secure, cared for, protected and supported. And that was correct. My other top needs include wanting to be appreciated/valued and loved/cherished.
There are 21 basic needs in her list and you can take the quiz online yourself at "Lifecoach.com" or "emotionalindex.com" or "emotional index quiz."
I think it is a good idea for us to know ourselves because in doing so we can hopefully make better decisions about our lives. It certainly makes sense that if I am a person who really needs to feel safe, secure and protected, I am a basket case in my current life as a financially struggling widow. Likewise, if being loved and cherished is a top need it is understandable that I am not happy when without a partner.
So taking this quiz did not really surprise me but it did help me understand why the past few years have taken their toll on me and also explain my need and desire to remarry and be in a partnership. This widowhood gig is definetly at great odds with the life I need, value and crave. That is pretty apparent. And seeing that now on paper, in black and white is providing me with more perspective as to figuring out the options I have for my future at this point.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the pretty fall day.
2. For the sun shining.
3. For the vibrant colors of leaves.
4. For the warmer temperature
5. That we were treated to a wonderful dinner out at one of those Asian restaurants where they prepare everything with the knife artistry in front of you - my boys have been to these places, it was my first time. Very yummy! Rare treat!
When I'm cutting corners and not seeing my therapist I try to read, study and continue to work on my grief. I've been reading a book by life coach Talane Miedaner. In it, she has a "Needs" quiz to take which helps you identify your specific, individual top four needs. These are the ones shaping your personality, driving you - your thoughts and decisions. I was pretty sure that some of my top needs would revolve around needing to feel safe, secure, cared for, protected and supported. And that was correct. My other top needs include wanting to be appreciated/valued and loved/cherished.
There are 21 basic needs in her list and you can take the quiz online yourself at "Lifecoach.com" or "emotionalindex.com" or "emotional index quiz."
I think it is a good idea for us to know ourselves because in doing so we can hopefully make better decisions about our lives. It certainly makes sense that if I am a person who really needs to feel safe, secure and protected, I am a basket case in my current life as a financially struggling widow. Likewise, if being loved and cherished is a top need it is understandable that I am not happy when without a partner.
So taking this quiz did not really surprise me but it did help me understand why the past few years have taken their toll on me and also explain my need and desire to remarry and be in a partnership. This widowhood gig is definetly at great odds with the life I need, value and crave. That is pretty apparent. And seeing that now on paper, in black and white is providing me with more perspective as to figuring out the options I have for my future at this point.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the pretty fall day.
2. For the sun shining.
3. For the vibrant colors of leaves.
4. For the warmer temperature
5. That we were treated to a wonderful dinner out at one of those Asian restaurants where they prepare everything with the knife artistry in front of you - my boys have been to these places, it was my first time. Very yummy! Rare treat!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Widowhood Road
I have had a tough time with this widowhood gig. It has not matched my personality or who I am. I live and function better as a part of a team. I have a difficult time making decisions on my own. I need someone to lean on, if only to tell me that the engine light may be on because I improperly screwed on the gas cap. I glow when being able to nurture and think about a partner. These past six years have snuffed out some of that light and in ways I have become bitter and despondent. It has certainly not been the way I have wanted to live and raise my sons.
In my situation, certainly a lot of this is related to the unfortunate circumstances that culminated so soon after my husband's death. I believe that my road would have been far more manageable if I had been able to concentrate and focus more directly on just me and the boys. Having to deal with my youngest son's medical diagnosis and then helping care for my parents (and they had extensive issues) blew away the time I needed to reorganize my house and my life.
Six years of winging it - functioning and coping as best I can under whatever current crisis has reared its ugly head. The divorce crisis in particular. I am just beginning to recognize that it has been the most damaging event in my life. Maybe that is because it is representative all of my abandonment issues tied up into one package. The divorce destroyed something inside me and I am still struggling to heal and lay that to rest. I do not believe we move on and shed our hurts. My first husband's death and the divorce from my second husband will remain with me forever.
Hardship has led to more pessimism and such extreme stress that I worry about the health of the boys but myself more than ever. This has not been a fun ride. I am overworked, overwhelmed, disorganized, distraught, anxious, upset and unhappy more often than not. I have absolutely despised living alone without a man in the house. Those first few weeks after my husband died I could not believe how much his presence had reassured and comforted me. I had to learn to live on my own and subdue the discomfort. And over time I learned to tolerate it but I still didn't like it.
I have missed having a warm, strong male body lying next to me in bed. Smelling male sweat and the scents only males have. I went three and a half years without sex and during that long, lonely spell told myself I would never ever ever take another sexual encounter for granted no matter how ordinary or mundane it was. Because it is all a miracle and wonderful! I have missed sex, bear hugs, coming home to someone, having someone coming home to me, getting flowers, holding hands, having someone hug me from behind while cooking, hearing compliments that I look nice, talking about world news events and parenting issues.
I have missed all of the little day-to-day stuff that comes with sharing a life with a partner. All the emotional, physical and social aspects too numerous to list. And if I did, the ones most prominent would be all the little things. Not a big diamond ring, or opulent wedding. Just the normal routines of making dinner after work, talking about one's day, being there to offer advice and support.
I've read that in living through trying circumstances we can come away with more knowledge about ourselves. And what I am realizing and accepting is my need and desire to live with a partner - to be remarried and part of a team. To chuck this widowhood label and lose the minority status and identity it has brought me. I'm not ashamed of this, nor do I feel I need to justify or explain who I am and how I tick.
But on the same page with this strong desire to be remarried is the devotion and loyalty I have for my sons. This was partly what damaged my second marriage. I agreed to let my oldest finish middle school before moving because the boys were having such issues about relocating to another state. But I also needed that year to work on and sell the house, etc. In the end, the plan blew up in smoke because my poor Mom was dying the summer I had agreed to move. And my new husband didn't tolerate the delay that brought to my moving. To be fair to him, it was not the total reason. He was financially and emotionally strained maintaining two households and lost his patience. I was too caught up caring for my sons and worrying about my Mom to devote much attention to him (he drove two hours one way every weekend to live with us). Our marriage didn't survive those challenges.
But I have to admit that I did put a lot of emphasis on my sons' needs. I suppose I did put their needs and wants ahead of my own and ahead of my second husband. In part, because they are fatherless boys and we have had little family support. I always felt someone had to look out for them - no one else in the world was.
So now flash forward a couple years. The divorce ravaged us - destroyed us emotionally and financially. Wounded our hearts. But a new guy who started out as a friend hung in there by our sides - was there every step of the way on the long and challenging divorce road for me. And helped soothe and balm the heart of my youngest, who was especially wounded by the actions of Husband #2. And now this guy is moving out of state to a new job and offers out his hand to us all. Accepts my destitution and still pessimistic attitude. Accepts (even likes) my sometimes unruly 15 and 16-year-old, who are more tolerant of a move-out-of state this time around but still don't like it.
I remarried three years after my husband died after only knowing my new husband six months. I have known Guyfriend almost two years now. These are the words that best describe him: kind, optimistic, courageous, loyal, tolerant, flexible, appreciative of the world (nature, movies, music), humorous, honest and intelligent. AND (and this is a big one because it is so important to me) he has never hung up on me or refused to speak with me as did Husband #2. We communicate openly, honestly and intelligently. We have fun together - he is supportive and extremely loyal. He has never gone back on his word. I have gotten a little nutty at times from either PMS or this widowhood gig and he has taken it all with stride and overlooked my fits or outbursts. He has stuck around and hung in there.
And now there is the opportunity to leave this life behind and embark on a new one. To ditch the widowhood gig (thank God) and have an easier life. We look at it as benefiting both of us. It is easier financially to pool two incomes together and to share companionship and a life. I wouldn't have to work (but I'd like to). I could live in a home again (with a garden and laundry facilities). Life would be better. Probably more from my perspective - I am gaining more than Guyfriend. He would be a good role model for the boys. I worry about getting them through college - not the financial end but just the emotional aspect of it for me.
Guyfriend thinks we are a good team. Except when I've gotten to pretty low points and have been freaking out about the divorce and/or poverty aspect of my life, we do not argue or are cross with one another. We are a good team. He is a good guy. A nice guy. I am lucky to have met him. Lucky to be with him. Yes, I love him but I also still love Husband #2. I have found that love isn't replaced by finding someone new. But this guy stood by our sides through thin (there hasn't been any thick). He needs to get a whole lot of credit for that. Husband #2 abandoned ship and left the boys and I in the water without a life boat.
This is not a decision based totally on infatuation and lust. We're long past that stage or age. Both of us feel that pooling our lives offer benefits (financial and otherwise). I like that aspect of our decision. I like that we are realistic and looking at all sides of the coin.
I am still struggling though with how this will effect the boys. Pulling them out of school as a Junior and Sophomore. Having them leave their friends and community. And for us, without family, this community has become our family. Identifying with it became a lifeline for us. How much would a move screw up my boys? How much do I consider them vs. my own needs and wants? Guyfriend is not keen on our staying here two more years until the boys finish high school. It doesn't make sense financially for one. Guyfriend's goal is to get us all together living under one roof. Maintaining two homes in different states defeats that purpose in his eyes. Or do I owe it to my sons to struggle it out for two more years. Is the stress and stain worth it? Will I end up losing this guy too? Will it end up with me losing my sanity?
The widowhood road is not an easy one. And then there are the bumps and potholes following that need to be confronted. Can you swerve around that one? Is a tire flat after hitting one? Do you pull off the side of the road or keep driving forward slowly, hands tightly gripping the wheel?
Do you drive ahead with the kids in the back to a new state, a new city, a new future or park the car where it has been because that is what is most comfortable to all of you because it is known and safe.
So much of all of this is complicated by widowhood. I don't have an ex-husband living here so the boys can remain to finish high school. I wish that were possible. So much of widowhood has been trying to make choices and decisions based on limited options. Here there is even a light at the end of this awful journey and yet it is still too dim to really make out. And I'm still struggling with whether to keep driving toward it or stay put.
Can I use all that I have learned and experienced the past six years to make better decisions and choices? Am I strong enough now or just too tired now (or both) to hang up the fight and perhaps take the easier option to move? How much will this move impact the boys who have already dealt with far more than they should have on their life paths? Guyfriend thinks I have done the best I could to keep the boys stable as long as possible. I know some kids move a lot and they live in two-parent families. It is not the end of the world. But I don't have the luxury of only thinking about myself. I am an only parent and these boys are my responsibility. They only have me to rely on. This responsibility at times has almost been too much for me to bear.
But a relocation/move is another loss and gosh darn it, we just keep having to face loss after loss. I don't want to let Guyfriend go. He starts the new job on November 1. I have tried him on for size and I like the way he fits. When I think of him not being around or nearby, I miss him deeply. Losing him would be a horrible loss. Either way, either decision, there is loss involved. There are also negatives and positives to each. Maybe it means looking ahead into the future. There are no guarantees (this I totally know). But of the two options, which road offers more immediate hope? Which road has fewer potholes?
In my situation, certainly a lot of this is related to the unfortunate circumstances that culminated so soon after my husband's death. I believe that my road would have been far more manageable if I had been able to concentrate and focus more directly on just me and the boys. Having to deal with my youngest son's medical diagnosis and then helping care for my parents (and they had extensive issues) blew away the time I needed to reorganize my house and my life.
Six years of winging it - functioning and coping as best I can under whatever current crisis has reared its ugly head. The divorce crisis in particular. I am just beginning to recognize that it has been the most damaging event in my life. Maybe that is because it is representative all of my abandonment issues tied up into one package. The divorce destroyed something inside me and I am still struggling to heal and lay that to rest. I do not believe we move on and shed our hurts. My first husband's death and the divorce from my second husband will remain with me forever.
Hardship has led to more pessimism and such extreme stress that I worry about the health of the boys but myself more than ever. This has not been a fun ride. I am overworked, overwhelmed, disorganized, distraught, anxious, upset and unhappy more often than not. I have absolutely despised living alone without a man in the house. Those first few weeks after my husband died I could not believe how much his presence had reassured and comforted me. I had to learn to live on my own and subdue the discomfort. And over time I learned to tolerate it but I still didn't like it.
I have missed having a warm, strong male body lying next to me in bed. Smelling male sweat and the scents only males have. I went three and a half years without sex and during that long, lonely spell told myself I would never ever ever take another sexual encounter for granted no matter how ordinary or mundane it was. Because it is all a miracle and wonderful! I have missed sex, bear hugs, coming home to someone, having someone coming home to me, getting flowers, holding hands, having someone hug me from behind while cooking, hearing compliments that I look nice, talking about world news events and parenting issues.
I have missed all of the little day-to-day stuff that comes with sharing a life with a partner. All the emotional, physical and social aspects too numerous to list. And if I did, the ones most prominent would be all the little things. Not a big diamond ring, or opulent wedding. Just the normal routines of making dinner after work, talking about one's day, being there to offer advice and support.
I've read that in living through trying circumstances we can come away with more knowledge about ourselves. And what I am realizing and accepting is my need and desire to live with a partner - to be remarried and part of a team. To chuck this widowhood label and lose the minority status and identity it has brought me. I'm not ashamed of this, nor do I feel I need to justify or explain who I am and how I tick.
But on the same page with this strong desire to be remarried is the devotion and loyalty I have for my sons. This was partly what damaged my second marriage. I agreed to let my oldest finish middle school before moving because the boys were having such issues about relocating to another state. But I also needed that year to work on and sell the house, etc. In the end, the plan blew up in smoke because my poor Mom was dying the summer I had agreed to move. And my new husband didn't tolerate the delay that brought to my moving. To be fair to him, it was not the total reason. He was financially and emotionally strained maintaining two households and lost his patience. I was too caught up caring for my sons and worrying about my Mom to devote much attention to him (he drove two hours one way every weekend to live with us). Our marriage didn't survive those challenges.
But I have to admit that I did put a lot of emphasis on my sons' needs. I suppose I did put their needs and wants ahead of my own and ahead of my second husband. In part, because they are fatherless boys and we have had little family support. I always felt someone had to look out for them - no one else in the world was.
So now flash forward a couple years. The divorce ravaged us - destroyed us emotionally and financially. Wounded our hearts. But a new guy who started out as a friend hung in there by our sides - was there every step of the way on the long and challenging divorce road for me. And helped soothe and balm the heart of my youngest, who was especially wounded by the actions of Husband #2. And now this guy is moving out of state to a new job and offers out his hand to us all. Accepts my destitution and still pessimistic attitude. Accepts (even likes) my sometimes unruly 15 and 16-year-old, who are more tolerant of a move-out-of state this time around but still don't like it.
I remarried three years after my husband died after only knowing my new husband six months. I have known Guyfriend almost two years now. These are the words that best describe him: kind, optimistic, courageous, loyal, tolerant, flexible, appreciative of the world (nature, movies, music), humorous, honest and intelligent. AND (and this is a big one because it is so important to me) he has never hung up on me or refused to speak with me as did Husband #2. We communicate openly, honestly and intelligently. We have fun together - he is supportive and extremely loyal. He has never gone back on his word. I have gotten a little nutty at times from either PMS or this widowhood gig and he has taken it all with stride and overlooked my fits or outbursts. He has stuck around and hung in there.
And now there is the opportunity to leave this life behind and embark on a new one. To ditch the widowhood gig (thank God) and have an easier life. We look at it as benefiting both of us. It is easier financially to pool two incomes together and to share companionship and a life. I wouldn't have to work (but I'd like to). I could live in a home again (with a garden and laundry facilities). Life would be better. Probably more from my perspective - I am gaining more than Guyfriend. He would be a good role model for the boys. I worry about getting them through college - not the financial end but just the emotional aspect of it for me.
Guyfriend thinks we are a good team. Except when I've gotten to pretty low points and have been freaking out about the divorce and/or poverty aspect of my life, we do not argue or are cross with one another. We are a good team. He is a good guy. A nice guy. I am lucky to have met him. Lucky to be with him. Yes, I love him but I also still love Husband #2. I have found that love isn't replaced by finding someone new. But this guy stood by our sides through thin (there hasn't been any thick). He needs to get a whole lot of credit for that. Husband #2 abandoned ship and left the boys and I in the water without a life boat.
This is not a decision based totally on infatuation and lust. We're long past that stage or age. Both of us feel that pooling our lives offer benefits (financial and otherwise). I like that aspect of our decision. I like that we are realistic and looking at all sides of the coin.
I am still struggling though with how this will effect the boys. Pulling them out of school as a Junior and Sophomore. Having them leave their friends and community. And for us, without family, this community has become our family. Identifying with it became a lifeline for us. How much would a move screw up my boys? How much do I consider them vs. my own needs and wants? Guyfriend is not keen on our staying here two more years until the boys finish high school. It doesn't make sense financially for one. Guyfriend's goal is to get us all together living under one roof. Maintaining two homes in different states defeats that purpose in his eyes. Or do I owe it to my sons to struggle it out for two more years. Is the stress and stain worth it? Will I end up losing this guy too? Will it end up with me losing my sanity?
The widowhood road is not an easy one. And then there are the bumps and potholes following that need to be confronted. Can you swerve around that one? Is a tire flat after hitting one? Do you pull off the side of the road or keep driving forward slowly, hands tightly gripping the wheel?
Do you drive ahead with the kids in the back to a new state, a new city, a new future or park the car where it has been because that is what is most comfortable to all of you because it is known and safe.
So much of all of this is complicated by widowhood. I don't have an ex-husband living here so the boys can remain to finish high school. I wish that were possible. So much of widowhood has been trying to make choices and decisions based on limited options. Here there is even a light at the end of this awful journey and yet it is still too dim to really make out. And I'm still struggling with whether to keep driving toward it or stay put.
Can I use all that I have learned and experienced the past six years to make better decisions and choices? Am I strong enough now or just too tired now (or both) to hang up the fight and perhaps take the easier option to move? How much will this move impact the boys who have already dealt with far more than they should have on their life paths? Guyfriend thinks I have done the best I could to keep the boys stable as long as possible. I know some kids move a lot and they live in two-parent families. It is not the end of the world. But I don't have the luxury of only thinking about myself. I am an only parent and these boys are my responsibility. They only have me to rely on. This responsibility at times has almost been too much for me to bear.
But a relocation/move is another loss and gosh darn it, we just keep having to face loss after loss. I don't want to let Guyfriend go. He starts the new job on November 1. I have tried him on for size and I like the way he fits. When I think of him not being around or nearby, I miss him deeply. Losing him would be a horrible loss. Either way, either decision, there is loss involved. There are also negatives and positives to each. Maybe it means looking ahead into the future. There are no guarantees (this I totally know). But of the two options, which road offers more immediate hope? Which road has fewer potholes?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Scary Widow Health Alert!
I have just finished reading of a health study due out in September that finds that divorced and widowed individuals have far more medical problems than those in relatively stable/happy marriages. Surprise, surprise! I could have come up with this result just based on my own experience. The day-to-day stress I have endured over the past seven years as a widow, care- giver to sick and aging parents, only parent and most recently as a divorcee has been overwhelming.
I have always known and believed that there is a huge benefit to being happily married - physically, financially, emotionally, and socially.
The study emphasizes that people who are widowed and divorced need to take extra care of themselves because we don't do so, especially during the first year of loss. We sleep and eat poorly, may not exercise and can be extremely anxious and depressed. I am guilty of eating poorly, having trouble sleeping and not exercising enough. I also do not take the time to nurture my interests or laugh enough. I seldom have any fun personal downtime. And I've had my share of depression and anxiety.
I have decided to take this study to heart (I've had some high blood pressure concerns). I need to start focusing on myself more (personally and physically). And I need to have some faith in love again - that it will visit my door one more time. I'm thinking of the stress and strain that occurs when dating - as if widows need anymore in their life! But if the ultimate reward results in a more happy and healthful future life, it will be worth it!
I have always known and believed that there is a huge benefit to being happily married - physically, financially, emotionally, and socially.
The study emphasizes that people who are widowed and divorced need to take extra care of themselves because we don't do so, especially during the first year of loss. We sleep and eat poorly, may not exercise and can be extremely anxious and depressed. I am guilty of eating poorly, having trouble sleeping and not exercising enough. I also do not take the time to nurture my interests or laugh enough. I seldom have any fun personal downtime. And I've had my share of depression and anxiety.
I have decided to take this study to heart (I've had some high blood pressure concerns). I need to start focusing on myself more (personally and physically). And I need to have some faith in love again - that it will visit my door one more time. I'm thinking of the stress and strain that occurs when dating - as if widows need anymore in their life! But if the ultimate reward results in a more happy and healthful future life, it will be worth it!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Waltzing off into the Sunset
I have three close friends, all of whom are divorced, two female and one male. My guy friend's ex-wife initiated a divorce from him in the fall of 2007. Their divorce was finalized in March, 2008. She started dating at that time and remarried March, 2009! She is moving out of state at the start of August and taking my friend's 11-year-old son with her. It was extremely fortunate that the company she works for in Chicago just so happened to have an opening in their office in the state her new husband resides. So she relocated without having to look for a new job. She and her new husband also just bought a house together.
This situation irks the heck out of me for a number of reasons. It so reeks of unfairness that I want to scream! For one thing, ex-wife isn't a knock-out or anything special in the looks department. She once weighed 240 pounds and has acne scarring on her face. She did not go to college. Apparently she has lost some of the pounds but isn't thin. I suppose that isn't what gets me upset. And these factors shouldn't matter (but somehow they do).
What really gets me is that since her son has been an infant, her mom resided with them and provided the childcare she and my guy friend needed to be working. Grandma also bought them the lovely four bedroom home they lived in. Needless to say, grandma also cooked, cleaned and shopped. "Not that pretty ex-wife" never had to parent on her own, manage a home on her own or even shop or clean by herself. She never had to arrange carpooling or to take her son to the emergency room or doctor's appointments on her own. AND SHE ONLY SLEPT ALONE FOR A YEAR!!! Excuse me Universe - but there are a heck of a lot of women out there handling it ALL on their own and sleeping in their own beds. And they're tired and want to be loved again by someone.
"Not that pretty ex-wife" took away all the spots ahead of her - she didn't pay her dues - she cut in front of the line! Maybe it is harsh and unfair for me to think of all of this (and I've never even met her) but she doesn't seem to deserve another shot at happiness so soon after her divorce without having really suffered much, if at all. This woman hasn't been much of an active parent, with my guy friend and grandma handling far more of the hands-on parenting. So not only does she get to waltz off into the sunset to her new life, but she gets the kid too!
The one aspect of all of this that is the most glaring is that she never really had to sleep alone. Just a year. It is going on six years for me (seven if you count the year my husband was in the hospital most of that time). In terms of all I've had to live and survive through, my number should be the one called for some happiness right now. Not some woman who selfishly is tearing her only child away from his dad and kicking out her mom so she can do her own thing.
Maybe I need to take her lead and be more selfish myself - when I had that chance I ended up losing my second husband because I chose to care for my dying Mom and concentrate on my sons. Why doesn't that count for anything? I'm living at a low economic level, no one is sharing my bed and we're faced with moving into an apartment (so I'll have to get rid of over half of our current possessions). This woman's new house has a hot tub and six acres of land. Just doesn't seem balanced, right or fair in the grand scheme of things. But what, if any of the past years since my husband's death have been?
Maybe what I am trying to uncover in all of these words is that "Not so pretty ex-wife" doesn't seem as deserving as me or the other widows out there who have been pulling more than their weight. It is hard not to compare oneself to someone who hasn't had to endure as much struggle and hardship and seemingly has an easier life.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to see one of my son's pitch and the other catch together in tonight's baseball game, which they won.
2. For the compliment one of the moms said to me tonight, about how handsome and nice my boys are. I replied that I thought they'd turned out pretty well and she told me I'd done a good job (ON MY OWN!).
3. That we did receive an offer on the house today (and the house has only been listed a week).
4. For my youngest son telling me that living in an apartment will be better for us because we don't need all the room in our current home.
5. For having a good girlfriend to call and talk about the house with - and hearing her tell me that everything I've done in the last year has been accomplished on my own without the assistance of anyone. And that I should be proud of myself.
This situation irks the heck out of me for a number of reasons. It so reeks of unfairness that I want to scream! For one thing, ex-wife isn't a knock-out or anything special in the looks department. She once weighed 240 pounds and has acne scarring on her face. She did not go to college. Apparently she has lost some of the pounds but isn't thin. I suppose that isn't what gets me upset. And these factors shouldn't matter (but somehow they do).
What really gets me is that since her son has been an infant, her mom resided with them and provided the childcare she and my guy friend needed to be working. Grandma also bought them the lovely four bedroom home they lived in. Needless to say, grandma also cooked, cleaned and shopped. "Not that pretty ex-wife" never had to parent on her own, manage a home on her own or even shop or clean by herself. She never had to arrange carpooling or to take her son to the emergency room or doctor's appointments on her own. AND SHE ONLY SLEPT ALONE FOR A YEAR!!! Excuse me Universe - but there are a heck of a lot of women out there handling it ALL on their own and sleeping in their own beds. And they're tired and want to be loved again by someone.
"Not that pretty ex-wife" took away all the spots ahead of her - she didn't pay her dues - she cut in front of the line! Maybe it is harsh and unfair for me to think of all of this (and I've never even met her) but she doesn't seem to deserve another shot at happiness so soon after her divorce without having really suffered much, if at all. This woman hasn't been much of an active parent, with my guy friend and grandma handling far more of the hands-on parenting. So not only does she get to waltz off into the sunset to her new life, but she gets the kid too!
The one aspect of all of this that is the most glaring is that she never really had to sleep alone. Just a year. It is going on six years for me (seven if you count the year my husband was in the hospital most of that time). In terms of all I've had to live and survive through, my number should be the one called for some happiness right now. Not some woman who selfishly is tearing her only child away from his dad and kicking out her mom so she can do her own thing.
Maybe I need to take her lead and be more selfish myself - when I had that chance I ended up losing my second husband because I chose to care for my dying Mom and concentrate on my sons. Why doesn't that count for anything? I'm living at a low economic level, no one is sharing my bed and we're faced with moving into an apartment (so I'll have to get rid of over half of our current possessions). This woman's new house has a hot tub and six acres of land. Just doesn't seem balanced, right or fair in the grand scheme of things. But what, if any of the past years since my husband's death have been?
Maybe what I am trying to uncover in all of these words is that "Not so pretty ex-wife" doesn't seem as deserving as me or the other widows out there who have been pulling more than their weight. It is hard not to compare oneself to someone who hasn't had to endure as much struggle and hardship and seemingly has an easier life.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to see one of my son's pitch and the other catch together in tonight's baseball game, which they won.
2. For the compliment one of the moms said to me tonight, about how handsome and nice my boys are. I replied that I thought they'd turned out pretty well and she told me I'd done a good job (ON MY OWN!).
3. That we did receive an offer on the house today (and the house has only been listed a week).
4. For my youngest son telling me that living in an apartment will be better for us because we don't need all the room in our current home.
5. For having a good girlfriend to call and talk about the house with - and hearing her tell me that everything I've done in the last year has been accomplished on my own without the assistance of anyone. And that I should be proud of myself.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Friday Night Blues
Today, when I signed online there was a little news blurb on the AOL page about a man who had survived anal cancer as well as divorce and gone on to find love/marriage again. A pretty inspiring story to say the least. It gives me hope to believe that one day I too will remarry.
The boys are out tonight because it is Friday and as per usual I am in alone and feeling terribly lonely. I want my nights to include more than doing laundry or reading. At age 49 I am way too young to be moping around the house on my own and feeling hopeless.
I guess I think that if I were married my husband and I right now would be perhaps going to a movie; having a nice/romantic dinner out; cooking a simple but delicious meal together; watching a video; making love; conversing over wine; playing cards. Earlier we may have taken a walk in a park or forest preserve. All of those ideas seem pretty appealing to me right now.
I feel robbed and cheated that during midlife, when it seems a lot harder because of age and kids, I have to go back out there into the dating world. Life is already challenging just trying to navigate through the days in one piece and now I have to add the "fun" of looking for love to my plate! Talk about unfair and crummy! Also to contend with are guys not ready for marriage or who don't want to remarry when I am pretty old-fashioned in regard to marriage and commitment. So it is trying to find a suitable mate who is also on the same page, as well as sharing the same values.
I was thinking about the dating game today and wondering if it is different for the widowed vs. the divorced. I know for me that I have high standards about commitment because of what I went through with my husband's death. I know what it is like to be in the trenches, by someone's side during their darkest hour. And I think it is for this reason that I am not willing to accept a more casual level of dating or relationship. I want the real deal because I've been there and had it. I want to know that the man I am with is as committed to me as I was to my husband. My loss resulted from death so I'm not so shy about jumping back into the saddle. If anything, the widowhood aspect just seems to make my dating expectations more complicated and confusing!
I would prefer dating widowers but have not met any. I just don't feel divorced men have a full understanding of the realities of being an "only" parent as they still share parenting duties, albeit in separate households.
I'd love to hear how other widows are coping with this issue.
The boys are out tonight because it is Friday and as per usual I am in alone and feeling terribly lonely. I want my nights to include more than doing laundry or reading. At age 49 I am way too young to be moping around the house on my own and feeling hopeless.
I guess I think that if I were married my husband and I right now would be perhaps going to a movie; having a nice/romantic dinner out; cooking a simple but delicious meal together; watching a video; making love; conversing over wine; playing cards. Earlier we may have taken a walk in a park or forest preserve. All of those ideas seem pretty appealing to me right now.
I feel robbed and cheated that during midlife, when it seems a lot harder because of age and kids, I have to go back out there into the dating world. Life is already challenging just trying to navigate through the days in one piece and now I have to add the "fun" of looking for love to my plate! Talk about unfair and crummy! Also to contend with are guys not ready for marriage or who don't want to remarry when I am pretty old-fashioned in regard to marriage and commitment. So it is trying to find a suitable mate who is also on the same page, as well as sharing the same values.
I was thinking about the dating game today and wondering if it is different for the widowed vs. the divorced. I know for me that I have high standards about commitment because of what I went through with my husband's death. I know what it is like to be in the trenches, by someone's side during their darkest hour. And I think it is for this reason that I am not willing to accept a more casual level of dating or relationship. I want the real deal because I've been there and had it. I want to know that the man I am with is as committed to me as I was to my husband. My loss resulted from death so I'm not so shy about jumping back into the saddle. If anything, the widowhood aspect just seems to make my dating expectations more complicated and confusing!
I would prefer dating widowers but have not met any. I just don't feel divorced men have a full understanding of the realities of being an "only" parent as they still share parenting duties, albeit in separate households.
I'd love to hear how other widows are coping with this issue.
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