Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Widows with Capes (Superwomen)

I didn't post last night because the computer was needed for homework and by the time it was free I was just too beat. Going back to school for this short certificate program has given me a reality check as to what it will be like to return to the work force full-time. Honestly, I don't know how only parents do it. Even with my boys being older there are logistical problems to navigate. My oldest has a volley ball tournament some distance away on Sat. I have to attend a mandatory all- staff meeting at the big box store from 7-9 a.m. to review the holiday selling strategy. I attended one of these for the bridal selling period and then for college and back-to-school shopping and found them pointless. A lot of rah rah stuff and help the customer blah blah blah but as a cashier I pretty much just ring up whatever the customers bring me. I resent having to attend these meetings at such hours because I have to return to work my shift in the evening. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to get my son to the tournament that starts in the afternoon. And how he'll get home since we're not sure when his team will end playing. Then I have to worry about the youngest running around. I would feel so much better to have an adult at home or near home in case of an emergency or just to be there for a sense of security.

I am anticipating taking the boys to see GF and the town and school leaving tomorrow night and returning Fri. There won't be any other time to do so since I work Sat., have clinical Sun. and need to be at school next week for the final exam review. And if I miss a class I need to go to the night class to make it up - much better to just go as scheduled. But in any case, here is where the superwoman expectations come in. Lets say I decided to move right away and get married and enroll the boys in the new school. They would need to ideally start the new school's next term on Nov. 30th. In the meantime, I'd need to get a moving estimate, pack up the apt. which has never been fully unpacked, keep studying for the final, complete the clinical hours, finish consoliating two of the storage shed units, work at the big box store unless I just quit without any notice, deal with teen boys who don't want to move, keep making dinner and parenting... YIKES!

I hate to be a complainer or always negative but all of this is for me right now an awful lot to handle and accomplish. I think for so many only parents, widows and widowers that we are often thrust into having to handle too much for our plates to hold because of the untimely deaths of our spouses. It is hard - it is grueling - it is frustrating - it is depleting - it is depressing. I know I've posted on this topic before pointing out that in addition to having to do too much physically, there is the emotional component of coping without a spouse's support and handling all of this on less rest than others because we are still dealing with the ONGOING physical depletion of grieving and loss.

GF mentioned to me last night that he has to deal with "problems" too. His son got a 99% on his multiplication test but a 0% on his division test. I wish that was the extent of what I had to worry about right now!

Today I am grateful:

1. For the beautiful red and gold leaves still on some of the trees that I saw today.
2. For the warm temperature.
3. For the sun and lack of rain.
4. Animal crackers.
5. A full gas tank even though it cost $46.00 to fill (usually I only put in $20.00 at a time).


  1. i am empathetic with the having too much on your plate. i hope things improve for you soon.

  2. Thank you for checking in and your kindness.