Ripple Effect

My son's Valentine gift arrived in the mail yesterday. I am surprised the decorative rock was not damaged as he used one of those padded envelopes. I found the card and gift very touching and they certainly arrived on a day when I needed some cheering up and hope.

On Monday, the restaurant I work at was closed. It was unexpected. I worked that day cleaning the interior and packing. Also, on Tuesday. That helped - being with some of the others I have known the past year. We were able to commiserate and talk to each other. The mood was sad and co-workers were upset. I am surprised at how quickly it takes to dismantle a business. By Tuesday the signs outside the building were gone. I thought of the people I have met and gotten to know - the weekly regulars. How there was no warning and no chance to say goodbye. Even for this piddly little low-level job I felt a sense of loss. This job provided us with groceries for the past year and gave me a sense of direction and purpose for getting up each morning. I was supposed to start serving, which would have given me extra coming in via tips, which were pretty good - some servers were making $500.00 weekly. I would have been happy with anything!

I think about the ripple effect. How so many people will end up being influenced by the close of this restaurant. The ones hardest hit will be the hourly employees and this in turn will impact families having to struggle even more. Despite what news reports state, I don't think we're out of the woods yet economically as a country. Businesses are still failing, people are still out of work, others continue to lose their homes.

Although I fared pretty well Monday and Tuesday, yesterday was a bit of a crash. I had been told that I could "transfer" to another location but met with one of the other managers who told me there aren't any slots open. Another woman my age (server) was also told that there is no guarantee she will receive any hours at a new location. Some co-workers reported that the local businesses and restaurants said business is slow and they aren't doing any hiring now. Then I started to catastrophesize (sp?), as I do when under extreme pressure and fear.

It is a horrible downward spiral - I become immobilized and anticipate the worse - we will become homeless, I'll have no food for my son/sons, we won't be able to drive (no gas or $ for car insurance). "Tsk, tsk'" people wag their fingers. Put on your brave face and smile and start pounding the pavement again. I don't feel inspired, I feel defeated, broken and unable to stand. I was just trying to last a couple more months before I could move. To have to rise up yet again and pull it together...

I am still waiting to hear if they can use me at another location. I think I qualify for unemployment, although it is a very small amount. I am realizing that I am not a strong person in the face of adversity/stress. I do so much better with a partner. In all the years of marriage, I never acted, felt, responded, thought etc. like I do now - empty, exhausted, hopeless and weak. Sometimes I hate this person I have become in widowhood.

The hardest part of the past few days was driving home on Monday and Tuesday knowing there was no one at home to talk to about all this. That is what I miss the most - having a person who has got your back and your best interests at heart when you face a setback.

I am more resolved than ever to upgrade my social services qualifications so I can work with the under-privileged, those hurting and under-served. Having been there, I will never be one of those "tsk, tsking" with disapproval. I also know that when I am out of the woods and on my feet again, I will kiss the ground every day I wake up and say a prayer of thanks. I just have to get there and it looks like the road is still a bit longer - I haven't been given a shortcut for these final, couple months. It sucks, it is hard and I am just plain tired of this life. Widowhood in and of itself under the best of circumstances is a challenge.

Curse of the Cap Sleeves

Ha, ha. I told my youngest that I was having trouble with a title for this post. He looked at the photos and suggested "Purple Odd Clothing." Maybe the clothing manufacturers should listen to him. Anyway, this post is inspired by the fact that I tried to buy a new outfit for my oldest son's graduation without luck. I ended up wearing a pretty linen top in coral paired with a pair of sage green capri pants. It looked nice with the addition of a multi-colored stone necklace. But I would have enjoyed wearing something new.

After a number of years of being unable to afford to buy new clothing and making due, I am severely disappointed by the choices greeting me in the stores. What is it about the cap sleeves this season? Those cap sleeves are why I didn't purchase anything for the graduation. Really. How many women are lucky enough to be able to wear tops or dresses with them?

The average size of an American woman is 14. And based on the women I've seen in these tops, they shouldn't be wearing them .

Designers take note: if you want to play toward a trend go for it but at least offer other options. To go into Talbot's and not find one top with sleeves other than capped is pretty bad.

Now on to the bathing suit issue. As it is 101 degrees here I decided to get a new bathing suit so I can use the pool in our complex. Went on the "dreaded" bathing suit hunt only to find that the stores don't have any more in stock! I asked the saleswoman at the national clothing store chain when I "should" have purchased a suit and she advised in January. Now that was the time we were dealing with overly harsh winter and I tell you even thinking about a bathing suit was the virtual LAST thing on my mind!

Lucily, I was able to order the absolute last suit remaining in my size online at the store! It better fit because if it doesn't I quess I won't be going swimming this summer. I have heard of some moms who have been unable to find mittens, gloves and hats for their kids who've lost them in January. This is so silly. Appropriate merchandise should remain out and available when it is needed.

And here is my grand finale! My Mary Maxim Craft Catalog arrived in the mail today - the Fall issue! But I just don't have any urge to be crafting pumkins and scarecrows right now!

Spring Finally in the Air

After a harsh winter of longing for and dreaming of Spring, this fair season has finally arrived and I am sick (physically) and downhearted when I wish I was jumping for joy! I got ill last year around this time too and I wonder if it has something to do with focusing all my energies on getting through the winter months and once they are over my body can relax and give into fatigue. Just a nasty cold this time, when last year I think it was Mono. Still...

I don't want the rest of my life to go on this way. To struggle and battle with winter only to have it end and be so spent I can't even seem to look forward to the warmer months ahead. Too melodramatic here? I don't think so. I know fellow blogger and widow Beth will understand this, although I'm not sure others would. It's kind of like a feeling of spinning my wheels. So I made it through another rough winter - guess what? Another one awaits and another one after that and then another...

I am taking the day off from work. I had a rough day at work on Saturday when I was coming down with this and no doubt got sick at work in the first place. Long gone are the days when I would go into work sick. Now if I'm sick I'm staying home. In fact, one of the servers was ill with similar symptoms and she should have stayed home. But she is about 25 and when I was her age, I worked in sickness and health too.

Speaking of work, it is a tiring and rather thankless job. It reminds me so much of cashiering at the Big Box Store. I have resolved to start taking classes for the Library Assistant Program next term. I would have started them in January but that month became too crazy with the memorial service for my father and my son's talent competition in Springfield. I think knowing that I am DOING something to get myself out of these low or entry level type jobs will improve my mood considerably. But I also have to cut myself some slack knowing that I'm not the only professional out there working in retail or at a restaurant simply because of the economy and so on. But actually engaging in some type of action is a great motivator.

So these are my petty thoughts and worries at this point. I am disturbed with world events - the earthquake, our bombing of Libya. There have also been reported increased sightings of UFOs worldwide - that to me is very scary. And yet we drag ourselves out of bed and continue to face the days. At least now, there will be more sun than clouds.

A Tale of Two Pantries - In Two Parts

Last month, someone gave me the name of a "marvelous" food pantry in a neighboring, larger city where the clients get to choose their own food. I decided to check it out even though after I looked at the web site, I saw that I would not qualify for services since this pantry operates under strict Federal income guidelines - with the pension, we are about $300.00 over the amount that would entitle us to food stamps or emergency food assistance at some pantries.

When I got to the place, it reminded me of a warehouse like Sam's Club. The bread section alone looked like a bakery. There was an abundance of food and about 75 people ahead of me waiting for a turn to choose their food. I was seen earlier since I mentioned right away that my income was higher than the client requirement. The director of the pantry, an elegant, attractive woman of about 60, sympathized with me but said I would only be able to receive what they termed the limited assistance they provide to those with higher incomes. She said that at one time in her life she was in a situation very similar to mine. I asked her what she did to survive, and she replied, "Just what you are already doing, creative meal planning, scrimping, etc."

The food I would be entitled to that day included my choice of 10 items from three shelves. On these shelves were the following items: canned beef stew, chili beans, off brand chicken & rice soup, off brand tomato soup, peanut butter (no jelly) and off brand toasted oat cereal. You can imagine my dismay at this selection because this is what I get visiting my local pantry. But I went ahead and took some of the soup, beans and peanut butter. We don't eat beef so no stew - there aren't a lot of other options as we are such a beef eating country but a can of tuna would have been appreciated.

They threw in some extra items - four loaves of bread and two desserts, including 24 cupcakes decorated in a Thanksgiving theme which was very nice - half chocolate, half vanilla - we still have 4 left. They also offered me a bag of apples and carrots and even provided me with a frozen smoked turkey when they found out we don't eat beef so I didn't leave empty handed. But it was disappointing, especially looking at the massive shelves of available food and even the sign on a stack of Hamburger/Tuna Helper that said clients could take up to six! And people living in this city get to go to the pantry twice a month (those living elsewhere, once).

At the pantry I go to, I receive pretty much the same fare each time which includes: a can of tuna (sometimes), 2 boxes of mac & cheese, dried beans, rice, a box of instant potatoes, a bottle of cooking oil, pancake mix, syrup, canned spaghetti sauce, spaghetti noodles, 2-4 cans of soup, peanut butter, jelly, and a can or two of fruit and vegetables. Sometimes there is bread and meat - sometimes, not always. Every other month I can receive a box of powder laundry detergent sold at the dollar store for a dollar - this is what I buy anyway, I am so cheap. Once in awhile there will be something extra like a box of taco shells, cheese or fresh vegetables, e.g., being able to take 3 small baked potatoes. There are days after going to this pantry that I wonder why I even go. Then I feel bad for not being grateful at what I received. I thought it was me until one time I overheard a young woman saying how little had been received. "That's all?"

It's hard eating mashed potatoes without gravy or a meat accompaniment. I currently have more canned soup and peanut butter in the pantry than I want to look at (17 jars of peanut butter), along with 8 boxes of mac & cheese even though we eat a few boxes every week. There is just so much chicken noodle soup you can eat. There is definitely no variety and a terrible lack of fresh food items. And I despise lentil beans. So a lot of this stuff has just remained in the pantry. I try to come up with recipes that will use some of items and I have left some in the laundry area of my building to pass on. But it is clear that even if someone had only this selection of items to eat, that it wouldn't last more than a few meals anyway. This pantry allows you to go only once a month, so how do poor people get through the rest of the month? I've heard of pantry hopping.

Which gets me to wondering, how does this pantry in the other town have so much more and a better variety than the one in my town? Let me add, no one goes to a food pantry willingly. I want to be able to choose my own food, not be handed a box of discards or dented cans. Many times the items received are past code by a number of months. Depending on what it is I usually eat it. The church ladies at the pantry have been condescending to me, especially the older ones. There is the pervasive belief in our country that people are poor because of some deformity or flaw with them - not that an unfortunate situation or circumstance had some impact.

I cried the first few times going to the pantry. Now I don't cry but every time I enter the parking lot I say a prayer that I'll never have to go there again.

All Americans should have access to food. Despite my pension, we didn't have any available money left over for food in November. In the middle of the month I had to write two hot checks at the grocery store to make ends meet ($60.00 each). The bank paid the grocery store but charged me fees which catch up with me now this month and are putting me behind before December even arrives, and starting the whole cycle over again.

To be continued in Part Two.

Real Survival Mode

In the past, when my husband was alive, baseball was the most important part of our lives. He and I coached our sons on two teams together. When we were out at a game, I'd look around with joy and happiness. My family was with me, my husband and I involved and active parents - our boys athletic and talented. There was always a game, usually a double-header or a tournament on Father's Day. And afterward, we'd stop at an inexpensive restaurant for dinner and the staff would ask the boys how they'd done. Usually, they'd proudly admit that the game had been won. But those days and feelings are in the past.

Today, my oldest was off at 6:30 a.m. for a volleyball tournament. While the youngest and I got ready to go to their baseball game, I realized that the oldest had driven off with all the baseball equipment in the van. There were a few panicked moments while we all clamored to figure out what to do. I would have driven out of my way to another town to get the baseball bag but my son was allowed to leave the volleyball tournament early since there was an excess of players.

So I got to see both the boys play baseball for the first time this year. My youngest is a stronger player and hit an outstanding triple that would have been a home run had there been a fence. He also had a pretty incredible double play while manning third, which got guys out at second and first. And made an amazing catch while in the left outfield. My oldest caught for much of the game and as I watched him jog out into the field could not stop thinking of how good looking and mature he is. Kind of a golden boy I thought as I saw him grin and make small talk with the coaches, players and umps.

I hoped my husband saw the game from above or maybe he was out on the field next to the boys. Maybe he ran with them as they headed for their bases. Maybe he leaped up beside my youngest when he made that great catch in left. I want to believe that he knows what fine young men his sons are despite the hardship they've faced.

We all bickered during the drive to the game. I took my little sedan to help save gas because the van seems to eat through it. I told the boys how tight we are until payday, the 29th for the nursing home check and the first for the pension. I recently had to pay over slightly over a $100.00 for the second payment due for the van's vehicle insurance and along with the end of the year school fees we are now flat broke. My oldest just kept telling me it is all my fault. The youngest chimed in from the back that is both our faults. I should not have allowed the oldest to play volleyball if we can't afford it and the oldest shouldn't pester me to give in. I didn't say anything to the oldest when he accused me of being at fault. What can I say? It is what it is. The bills caught up with me and overwhelmed me this month. The past few months there was too much due, the unexpected car repairs needed, the driver's ed fee owed for the youngest.

I was glad we all went to the game because afterward, the boys were worn out and pleased they had played so well. And I was a little more relaxed. I did my best to focus on the game and to try and not worry about finances. But I don't know how we're going to make it over a week without any money for food and gas. This is the lowest we've ever gone. Always before it has been tight but never this tight and for so long before pay day. I am scared out of my wits. I didn't like bickering with the boys in the car on the way to the game, but when you're facing financial stress as we are, the worry and upset has to come out in some way. I also don't like having to discuss financial matters with the boys but they are involved and I suppose they are old enough to know what is going on. I can't hide the fact that we are struggling as much as we are right now. Even with working, I couldn't make it this month.

I sat on the stands and listened to the inane conversation of the other moms - moms that no longer include me. Not that I care, really. We don't share much in common anymore. I listened to the one motor mouth mom talk about her trip this week to Disney in Florida with her parents and sister. Her sister is treating her, and her 14-year-old daughter to this vacation. She also blabbed about having just gotten a pedicure for her dog. So far this summer, no pedicure for me. And that means times are pretty tough because I usually get a pedicure no matter what for the summer. All married moms and I looked at their average, balding, husbands, some with pot bellies and felt those familiar waves of envy and sorrow at what my life has become. These women haven't experienced even a fraction of the hardship we've faced. And to have to be sitting on the same bleachers with them and listen to their petty concerns is almost too much to bear at times. I'll have to see if I can sit at a distance from them so I don't have to listen to their drivel the next time.

Then, a mom came up and the conversation shifted to the storms we've had the past few days. Some people in the area lost power for a day, as had this mom. She talked about having to clear out her freezer and made the comment, "You just go into survival mode at a time like that." I was incredulous. "Survival mode?" She was describing a relatively minor power outage as having to go into survival mode? She with her strong, gainfully employed husband safely at work bringing in a decent paycheck so she doesn't have to go out to work outside the home. She who has a lovely, historic home to reside in. I was tempted to tell her and the other moms what going into survival mode really is. It is what I will be facing the next week without enough money for gas or food for my sons. Already we are so sick of peanut butter and mac & cheese. I have no idea how I will figure out how to get gas for the week. I already talked to the boys about their needing to get rides from friends. That ladies, is what the real survival mode is for some of us. Those you pretend not to notice sitting next to you in the stands. I figure that $30.00 is probably what it would take to get through the week - enough money for gas and a few food essentials. Just $30.00! Not a great amount when you think about it. But here's a widowed mom who can't even scrape that up.

To survive the next week will be a true testament of my creativity and resilience. That is the real survival mode. Not the example given by this taken care of middle-aged mom, whom I'm sure has over $30.00 in her checking account and/or family and friends to come to her assistance if she needed it. Some of us believe it or not don't have $30.00 to our name or the means in which to get it even to feed our children.

A sad and bittersweet Father's Day as all these days during this period seem to be. As I sat watching the boys I was certainly sad to reflect on how low we have fallen since the death of the boy's Dad and my husband. I would say today is the lowest point in my six and a half years of widowhood. But at the same time, there was happiness and joy as I watched the boys play together.

Keeping A Roof Over My Sons' Heads

Some weeks ago I went back to the community job center where they provide assistance for those out of work. The previous time I had gone, I'd experienced a rather distressing encounter with a male job counselor. He had kept pushing me to examine my overall employment goals and I was centered on just finding a job to start working and feel less financial pressure. The next time I met with a woman about 10 years my senior. She shared her very interesting situation and we certainly connected on an emotional level.

She related that at only age 40 had she gone back to finish her college degree. Then came the period where her husband left her out of the blue and sought a divorce. Just after this her mother became ill and she went to Florida to provide care. Her mother died and she then helped her father deal with the loss. She returned home to take care of her children but then her dad's health rapidly deteriorated. So she returned to Florida to sell the house and move him into an apartment. He was unable to manage on his own so she went back yet again to get him into an assisted living facility. He didn't like the place and she had to move him to another. But then just six months after his wife's death and all the turmoil of moving around, he died himself. This was a huge blow to the daughter as an only child.

I was very interested in the story this woman was weaving. She told me she did not know of the kind of loss I had experienced but that she did know what it was like to feel totally alone in the world. She was able to work at a job in the business field after finishing her degree. Although her husband ended up living with another woman, she did not remarry. Her children grew up, went to college and married. Just recently, more life changes occurred for her. She lost her job and ended up selling her home and moving to an apartment.

Hearing this really impacted me. I was sitting across a very attractive, articulate and intelligent woman - someone who'd also experienced the necessity of having to move from a home. This gave me some courage and more confidence. Also, it allowed me to view myself less negatively and as a failure - stuff happens.

She went on to talk a little about dating. I guess there were some pretty dry years in there. But at some point when her kids were less demanding of her time and attention she came to the realization that she needed to carve out a life for herself and began dating. She told me about a singles group in the area I have heard of. She said she joined it not so much to date, but to have fun activities to particpate in. She said that she had formed some good female friendships.

About nine months ago she was on a dating site like eHarmony when she was reconnected with a widower she'd been matched with three years ago. Back then he was newly widowed and not really ready to get out there again. Things didn't work out for them but even after all these years she had never forgotten about him. Turns out they have been dating and although she said he is somewhat older than she, she is happy with their relationship. In fact, the next day they were going to take one of his grandsons to an antique auto show.

I asked her about dating in the here and now because so many people are out of work or facing financial changes. She replied that half of the women her male friend had met through dating sites were unemployed - it is the nature of the times. So again, hearing this made me feel less alone and stigmatized. I'm not the only woman who has faced some transitions relating to the loss of a partner and financial issues.

I greatly enjoyed the time I shared with this woman because it opened my eyes to the larger world and provided some much needed perspective. In a way it was like filling up my empty tank with fuel. Sharing our situations and life experiences was revitalizing and gave me courage, strength and even some hope to continue to trudge on.

During our time together the woman made the kind comment to me that after all that I've been through, I have at least kept a roof over my sons' heads. And that is something.

Another One Bites the Dust

My close girlfriend's ex-husband just lost his job. He was the Art/Advertising Director for a family owned mid-sized Chicago area company. Been there about 8 years. Here is the deal - two, young people have been hired to replace him, each at half his salary. So the company is getting two employee's basically for the price of one. This concept blows me away! Now we've got another talented, experienced 50-year-old dad with kids in college out of work. Way to go world, economy and recession! He is getting paid his salary until August so has some income for the next three and a half months. But still.

I went to a job fair today at a nursing home. The experience sobered me. It had a meat market feeling to it - they interviewed three of us in the same room, at the same time. I was told that this was a screening interview and they'd get back if interested within the next day or two. There weren't tons of applicants there, and I was glad I made the effort to go and get out there. I don't think I impressed the young woman interviewing me. What I felt afterward was gratefulness that I even have the crappy job I have now. It is brutal out there.

I am trying to pump myself up with kudos that only weeks after moving, I went back to school for a short-term program that I knew would get me work. And I did find a job within a month of my starting to look. Granted, this is not the be all, end all job of my life. But it is respectful and honorable work. What I am beginning to realize is how hard it will be to procure a job in my professional field. What you need in this job market is lots of time and energy - both of which I have little of right now. I think too, that emotional support from family, friends or a partner is also key. It is so easy to get discouraged and depleted looking for work in this environment. And that is another strike against my situation.

I need to build up my base of contacts again and want to take a class at the community college this summer because that has been a way that has always done this for me in the past. But again, the lack of time is the monkey wrench. Today's excursion took a big chunk of my day off from work and all that needs to be done at home is still waiting to get done. BIG SIGH.

Another recent goal that has to be attained is my getting my counseling credentials updated. I have no clue how to go about this and taking a class would expose me to other people in the same boat. Plus, I could get assistance/guidance from the class instructors.

Well, those are the current goals that are being formulated for now. Just another hurdle in the life of a middle-aged widowed mom with two active teen boys. I do get so frustrated with the busyness of life and the reality that there just isn't enough time in which to get it all done. There is calling the school for various issues related to attendance and class registration, dealing with doctors and the pharmacy, making sure kids have clean clothes and sports uniforms.

So many people out there are struggling with the recession and job loss. I have read that every adult in our country knows someone out of work. Tough, challenging times are best faced with support and strength in numbers. I am feeling so depleted and drained working and trying to find a better, more suitable position. While the prospect of moving forward with taking a class and getting my license in order is stimulating and positive, the reality of it also overwhelms and frustrates me.

This widowhood gig is already a job. I feel as though all I ever do is work and worry. It is tough to juggle so many responsibilities single handed and then have so little free time or a chance to recoup/relax. Working outside the home is a job on top of another job already in place. Living with a partner would undoubtedly make the everydayness of life much more manageable. I will kiss the ground my future husband walks on if I am fortunate enough to someday remarry (I'm totally serious). For those with partners, please be grateful for the fact that household jobs and tasks are divided to some degree. And to have someone to talk to at day's end about the job fair and job hunting plans is immeasurable. Don't take your marriages and the perks that go along with them for granted.