Pain For Gain

Before my widowhood and my close girlfriend's divorce, we wanted to work on a volunteer activity together. So for a number of years, we ran and coordinated the monthly food drive at our local elementary school. This involved contacting a food pantry in the area to find out their specific needs, having collection boxes in each classroom and school office, "advertising" the food drive in the school's weekly paper, working with the students to collect and assemble the donations at the end of the month and then drive it over to the pantry.

Of course, looking back now, it is somewhat ironic that I was involved in this specific activity. I generally wrote-up the notices for the school newspaper and always tried to tie in our requests to the season at hand and what the needs of the pantry were.

What got to me the most, was how some donations were of items that should have been thrown out. Clearly long expired goods, open packages and one of my favorites - the inside contents of either jello or pudding but without the external box. I would try to tactfully address this issue in my notices and encourage generosity and the like.

As I think about all of this now I am struck by the knowledge that I have walked both sides of the fence, so to speak. When I was a volunteer it was with the best of intentions and I wanted to help and make a difference. And I did. But having had to become a food pantry recipient, I must say that what I have gained in terms of internal knowledge and growth has far exceeded those volunteer efforts. I have been confronted with and had to face: humility, guilt, shame, embarrassment, being humbled, grace, dignity, thankfulness, hope, hopelessness, anger, and relief (I could probably even go on with more).

My compassion toward others has increased 100-fold! No longer will I ever look with judgment on someone needing or asking for help. This experience has stretched me far beyond any limits I could have imagined when I was just a middle-aged suburban mom trying to help out a bit in the community.

Once my grief counselor/life transition coach assured me that one day I would surpass the obstacles in my life and reside in a home again and have a better life restored to me. She added that the experiences I've gone through have served as amazing teachers and I am a better person for having lived them. Then she looked at my face and quickly added, "But of course I know that you would trade all of this inner-growth and self-actualization for having your husband still alive and your old life back." And she was right. I would trade it all in an instant to be the less evolved woman that I was seven years ago.

But of course, that isn't possible. So one way to look at it now is to accept that I have grown as a person and to hope that in the end this will all result in some good toward others and the world.

Part of the reason I blog is to try and convey to others about my life in the hope that it will result in greater compassion and kindness to others, especially widows. But I have come to realize that unless you walk in my shoes or live this life, it is impossible for someone to really ever totally understand. That is not a bad thing. Maybe I need to be preaching to the choir or those who are already in my shoes. Maybe I need to shift my focus.

It is hard to hear criticism. But the point is that we learn equally from praise and criticism. And maybe even more from the criticism. I've been thinking about some comments made to me about my not being proactive or creative enough in my situation to move and forge ahead. Yes, I'll admit that is true. I've been depressed and tired and hormonal these past months. But thinking of these comments has inspired me to think a bit more outside the box.

What if I could take some of this knowledge I've gained from my losses and use it productively? I know of a homeless shelter seeking volunteers and thought that even one or two days of going in a month would allow me to meet professionals in my social services field (thus increasing job contacts and giving me updated social services experience on my resume). The boys have also expressed an interest in doing some type of volunteer work. Maybe we could do this together as a family? In any event, I am going to the next volunteer training in early January and we'll see where that goes. I at least can serve as a compassionate listener to those in worse situations than myself.

Part of my message today goes out to others struggling. It is true that we grow more from the hardships than what is easy for us. Some of us will end up suffering and growing more. It doesn't make us better or the suffering less painful. But in the end, I don't think it is for naught. I believe somehow, someway our experiences will end up serving some purpose in bettering the world. Or at least I want to believe this because that is what gives me the most courage and hope.

Dismal Holidays Forcasted

Two million people are expected to lose their extended unemployment benefits this holiday season. People talk about not having trees, being able to afford gifts for their children and their lack of holiday spirit. I wrote about my food pantry experience yesterday as a way to deal with my own pain/frustration but to also increase awareness of the situation as well. To put a real and personal face on the matter, so to speak. I created another blog where I try to deal with my "living under reduced circumstances" issues but sometimes there is overlap and I figured I'd go ahead and post about my experiences here.

I went to yet another food pantry recommended to me yesterday and again admitted that I do not qualify for emergency food assistance based on the Federal guidelines. This time, the pantry was far more generous than the last one I visited and provided me with food although I will not be able to become a client. We received more food yesterday than we have had in literally months. When I shop at the store, it is always $20.00 or less because I can't afford to fill my cart or vehicles with gas ($5.00 or $10.00 fill-ups are the norm).

I was told to take as much bread as I wanted - good, decent, fancy bread not the generic stuff. I was led to a table of "cast-offs," items that clients did not want to take and left behind. I was also told I could take whatever was there. I almost cleaned the table off taking every can of vegetable that was there. I got two bags of potatoes and three bags of apples, sweet potatoes, lettuce, watermelon and pineapple, eggs, milk and a huge block of cheese along with meat. I took everything that was offered and it is probably enough to last through the whole month!

Here is where I struggle - I have enough to keep a roof over our heads but not enough to provide good, healthy, adequate food for my kids. People out there are receiving food stamps and able to visit a food pantry like this, twice monthly. No one in our country should have to go hungry. I always believed that the greatest nation in the world would provide for its own but am learning that is not the case.

Receiving this bounty increased my mood and spirits 10-fold along with that of my sons. People have to have food to get out there to look for work, to continue parenting and to simply remain hopeful enough to face the next day. I only see the situation getting worse, not better. I know of people who have been out of work now two years. They are surviving either because their spouse still has a job or they are receiving support of some kind from family.

It is especially difficult for single and only parents struggling on their own with no one to emotionally or physically lean on. It can happen to you. You can be a well-educated, professional, middle-class citizen and have your world topple over and fall on your face. I'm not finding a whole lot of assistance out there or those with kind, helping hands stretched out with compassion. Criticism and blame continue to be lashed out at the unemployed. Having been there now I can add that to simply tell someone to go out and find a job and take whatever is offered is not sound or positive advice. I've made the rounds of fast food places, restaurants (waitress/server), grocery stores and the like and have been told I'm overqualified. Then when I apply for jobs in my field, I am competing with better qualified folks. I'm caught in the middle. A male friend my age, lost his fancy advertising/art director job and was a bartender all summer. He also took training to become a nanny but so far has met with resistance because he is a male and hasn't been hired. I am actually considering the bartender training as a last resort myself.

In the future, I'm going to try and keep issues like this separate on my other blog but felt I needed to finish what I started. This is my experience and my opinions. No one needs to agree or feel sorry for me or my situation. But I do hope it in some way it softens the criticism others may have against people struggling right now, including the two million people worried about feeding their families during the holidays. I've gotten a break this year - others won't be as fortunate.

A Tale of Two Pantries - In Two Parts

Last month, someone gave me the name of a "marvelous" food pantry in a neighboring, larger city where the clients get to choose their own food. I decided to check it out even though after I looked at the web site, I saw that I would not qualify for services since this pantry operates under strict Federal income guidelines - with the pension, we are about $300.00 over the amount that would entitle us to food stamps or emergency food assistance at some pantries.

When I got to the place, it reminded me of a warehouse like Sam's Club. The bread section alone looked like a bakery. There was an abundance of food and about 75 people ahead of me waiting for a turn to choose their food. I was seen earlier since I mentioned right away that my income was higher than the client requirement. The director of the pantry, an elegant, attractive woman of about 60, sympathized with me but said I would only be able to receive what they termed the limited assistance they provide to those with higher incomes. She said that at one time in her life she was in a situation very similar to mine. I asked her what she did to survive, and she replied, "Just what you are already doing, creative meal planning, scrimping, etc."

The food I would be entitled to that day included my choice of 10 items from three shelves. On these shelves were the following items: canned beef stew, chili beans, off brand chicken & rice soup, off brand tomato soup, peanut butter (no jelly) and off brand toasted oat cereal. You can imagine my dismay at this selection because this is what I get visiting my local pantry. But I went ahead and took some of the soup, beans and peanut butter. We don't eat beef so no stew - there aren't a lot of other options as we are such a beef eating country but a can of tuna would have been appreciated.

They threw in some extra items - four loaves of bread and two desserts, including 24 cupcakes decorated in a Thanksgiving theme which was very nice - half chocolate, half vanilla - we still have 4 left. They also offered me a bag of apples and carrots and even provided me with a frozen smoked turkey when they found out we don't eat beef so I didn't leave empty handed. But it was disappointing, especially looking at the massive shelves of available food and even the sign on a stack of Hamburger/Tuna Helper that said clients could take up to six! And people living in this city get to go to the pantry twice a month (those living elsewhere, once).

At the pantry I go to, I receive pretty much the same fare each time which includes: a can of tuna (sometimes), 2 boxes of mac & cheese, dried beans, rice, a box of instant potatoes, a bottle of cooking oil, pancake mix, syrup, canned spaghetti sauce, spaghetti noodles, 2-4 cans of soup, peanut butter, jelly, and a can or two of fruit and vegetables. Sometimes there is bread and meat - sometimes, not always. Every other month I can receive a box of powder laundry detergent sold at the dollar store for a dollar - this is what I buy anyway, I am so cheap. Once in awhile there will be something extra like a box of taco shells, cheese or fresh vegetables, e.g., being able to take 3 small baked potatoes. There are days after going to this pantry that I wonder why I even go. Then I feel bad for not being grateful at what I received. I thought it was me until one time I overheard a young woman saying how little had been received. "That's all?"

It's hard eating mashed potatoes without gravy or a meat accompaniment. I currently have more canned soup and peanut butter in the pantry than I want to look at (17 jars of peanut butter), along with 8 boxes of mac & cheese even though we eat a few boxes every week. There is just so much chicken noodle soup you can eat. There is definitely no variety and a terrible lack of fresh food items. And I despise lentil beans. So a lot of this stuff has just remained in the pantry. I try to come up with recipes that will use some of items and I have left some in the laundry area of my building to pass on. But it is clear that even if someone had only this selection of items to eat, that it wouldn't last more than a few meals anyway. This pantry allows you to go only once a month, so how do poor people get through the rest of the month? I've heard of pantry hopping.

Which gets me to wondering, how does this pantry in the other town have so much more and a better variety than the one in my town? Let me add, no one goes to a food pantry willingly. I want to be able to choose my own food, not be handed a box of discards or dented cans. Many times the items received are past code by a number of months. Depending on what it is I usually eat it. The church ladies at the pantry have been condescending to me, especially the older ones. There is the pervasive belief in our country that people are poor because of some deformity or flaw with them - not that an unfortunate situation or circumstance had some impact.

I cried the first few times going to the pantry. Now I don't cry but every time I enter the parking lot I say a prayer that I'll never have to go there again.

All Americans should have access to food. Despite my pension, we didn't have any available money left over for food in November. In the middle of the month I had to write two hot checks at the grocery store to make ends meet ($60.00 each). The bank paid the grocery store but charged me fees which catch up with me now this month and are putting me behind before December even arrives, and starting the whole cycle over again.

To be continued in Part Two.

Despondency

Was very despondent yesterday and the weather matched my mood - dark, grey and rainy. The boys were able to have pizza when they went over to their older brother's to watch the Bear's game but I was stuck with leftover 4-Bean Chili minus any cheese which is pretty much the best part. Couldn't sleep last night. Worried about the food budget and holidays, being able to have some kind of celebration for the boys. My oldest was upset this morning, needing $1.50 for his PE bowling class which I could not give him. He was also critical of what he felt was a meager lunch (PB & J, apple, goldfish crackers and a few cookies). After they boys left for school, I was able to register at a toy drive that allows "shoppers" to purchase gifts for their children at greatly reduced prices. I saw this event last year as it was happening and made a mental note to remember it this year, if needed. Not everyone who wants to participate can do so as spots are limited so I got on the phone first thing. The line was busy but within 15 minutes I had secured an appointment. The sale is of course geared to younger kids but I was assured that there would be plenty of a selection for my boys. Anything is better than nothing.
I then had to go to the local grocery store to write a check for a small amount over some minor purchases to afford gas for both vehicles. Then I headed over to the food pantry where a very kind woman volunteer and I have gotten friendly. She said she was so stuck by my asking for a stick of deodorant for my sons the last time I was there and the fact that they didn't have any to give me that she cried. She spoke to her husband that night and both of them would like to put together small gift bags for each boy. She said it won't be much but again I am grateful for anything my sons might have to open and enjoy. In terms of what they want, it is items like body wash, shampoo, sugarless gum and mints (which have been cut from our budget), socks and underwear. Nothing extravagant. A few years ago I might have not accepted this woman's offer but I can no longer do so. I still feel incredibly ashamed to be in this condition. Our society isn't kind toward the poor, even during the hard times many of us are going through. I feel stigmatized and humbled at the same time.

The nice woman at the food pantry said she knows of another pantry operating out of a church and if I didn't mind, she would pass on my name. They actually deliver a weekly box of food to your door. I also agreed to this. We have reached such a low point that my food budget is practically non-existent and it will probably take me a month or two to recover. During which time I am forced to rely on pantry donations as difficult as it is. Today's food pantry visit was a good one because I got to choose three loaves of bread and a dessert. Sometimes there is no bread or just hard unsliced loaves of French or Italian. A red letter day to be able to leave with a loaf of light Italian, extra large loaf of white sandwich bread and a hearty grain type, which is my preference.

From the pantry I headed over to the town hall to register for yet another program. This one only gives gifts to kids 12 and under but they do provide a box of fresh food including potatoes and vegetables so it was worth it to sign up. It is also possible that a family or business will "adopt" us but that is not a guarantee. I go to a local church to pick up my box of food and they will also offer items at a garage sale of sorts - donated items of all kinds, free for the taking. We've been shopping at the Goodwill and I go to antique stores so what is the harm in browsing at the items offered? Maybe I can find a few "gently worn" items as they say for the boys or even myself.

The social worker overheard me talking about a program I've learned about that is actually a class to teach suburbanites how to be poor since so many of us have never had to face circumstances like this. She asked me about the program and I promised to provide her with the info. That is part of the problem as I see it. I've never lived in an apartment or had to search for food from pantries. There have to be others out there like me who just don't know the ins and outs of navigating the system. The social worker referred me to yet another food pantry that provides fresh food items. Talking to her, I sounded like a social worker myself. At that moment of realization part of me said to myself, "Get off your butt and look for work in your field. Stop selling yourself short. Your are a professional, you'll eventually find a social services job. And heck, now I even have personal experience in grief, loss and poverty - better equipped to assist clients." Part of the problem though, is that being in this place takes a tremendous toll on one's self-esteem. I blame myself for my situation and don't feel worthy looking for a better job. That is kind of the pattern of this cycle...

By the end of the day I felt a little better. All this running around took up the majority of my time, which is another characteristic of living under reduced circumstances. It takes extra time to figure all this stuff out. Dinner was thankfully not more 4-Bean Chili! I feel I've done what I can to try and improve the holidays but still am depressed and down about it all. I am not motivated to put up a tree and wish the holidays would just fast forward and go away. I am also reconsidering not going to the knitting group this week thinking it is not a good time to do so. It will feel like rubbing salt into a wound if I am surrounded by women chatting in gay spirits about their holiday decorations, plans, parties and trips. Maybe it would be better to start with the group at the new year. These women all know one another and I'm not sure it is the right time to enter a group that has been together in the midst of the holidays. Anyway, I've even lost some of my desire to knit which comes with my being down.

But then it becomes reinvigorated again when I think that I should whip up a holiday towel and pot holder set to give to the kind woman at the pantry. And I'll need something for my girlfriend and my son's girlfriend. But the thought of decorating and baking exhausts me. Just trying to locate available food pantries that will serve me has taken its toll and part of the joy out of this season. I always believed that the holidays were the one time of year all of us were assured of some happiness. Just another illusion that has been shattered.

Survival Mode Update

On Monday, I went to two food pantries in the area and was able to stock up on enough provisions to get us through to "payday." It was a "good day" at the food banks. Some days are better than others and there isn't enough food to pass out. They urged me to take as much as the day old bread they had and there was a package of honey wheat bagels, strawberry pastry puffs and chocolate muffins besides. I was thrilled with the three pound chub of ground turkey I got because that alone would have gotten us through the week.

What I was most thankful for was that I actually got a package of shredded cheddar cheese - usually fresh goods aren't available. Also, I was given two gift cards for $10.00 each for a local food store that has a gas station. That means my son will have enough gas to drive to his volleyball tournament this weekend.

I was so grateful - so far everything was being covered except some extra money needed for gas for my car and for some fresh items from the grocery store - milk, margarine, etc. Last night, in going through old papers from the storage shed I came across an unused gift card from Target with a $20.00 balance. So today I will get the needed milk. Still need to come up with about $5.00 for gas for me. And I need the money to do laundry. I've taken to making due with whatever is clean in my closet - I'm no longer dressing for fashion and doing the laundry for the boys since they get so dirty playing sports.

I broke down and called my girlfriend and just left a message asking her if I could do a few loads at her home in the next two days. I hate asking for anything but at this point don't seem to have a choice. And I do feel better asking her for a service favor rather than money.

I remain hopeful that a few dollars will pop up so I can put some gas in my little sedan. So far we are limping along. But it is difficult and takes a lot out of me emotionally. To live on the edge like this is a stressful challenge. I'll provide another update later in the week and if you want to see an account of what I received at the food pantries, I will be listing that at my other blog: Plunged Into Poverty. For now, I'm trying to somewhat keep my grief and life of reduced circumstances separate in my blogs, even though there is some overlapping among the two situations.

The Food Pantry

After resisting as long as possible, I finally visited the local food pantry. The experience was of course humbling and trying. I had to wait for 45 minutes or so and passed the time helping a woman practice her crochet stitches. There were a number of other nice women I spoke with, all offering hints and the names of other pantries to a first timer like myself. I was the best dressed person there having decided I would wear work clothes to present a positive image about myself. I held it together fairly well until entering the warehouse type room where I would select my food. It was then that I burst into tears all the while thinking I would never have thought that things would come to this.

Here is a list of the items I received. All in all disappointing. Not much selection and the fresh fruit and vegetables were moldy. I actually felt nauseous, even for some hours after getting home (just the whole experience and the poor quality of food).

Bread items:
Family size box of low fat Triscuits; 14 oz. box Corn CHEX cereal; 32 oz. spaghetti; tuna noodle dinner mix (off brand - never heard of it); 7.25 oz. KRAFT mac & cheese; 16 oz. bag long grain white rice; frozen slices of garlic bread (looked like from a restuarant); loaf of Butternut honey wheat bread expiration 1/24; Trader Joe's wheat hot dog buns expiration 1/22); Trader Joe's uncut loaf of crusty bread expiraton not marked; Trader Joe's Everything bagels expiration 1/21; Voortman Chunky Chip Chocolate Chip Cookies expiration 10/24/08.

Canned Goods (unless noted all cans are off brands):
Large can orange juice; tuna in water; 1 can diet soda (yes only one can); 2 cans unsweetened applesauce (unsweetened doesn't go over too well in our house even with me); 2 cans Green Giant cut green beans; 1 can corn; can sliced pickled beets; 1 small can tomato sauce; can tomatoes for chili; jar turkey gravy; can of cream of chicken soup; can of vegetable soup; can of pure pumpkin; can peaches; can pears; grape jelly (you could take a jar of peanut butter or jelly but not both).

Produce:
1 apple (we were told to only take one); 3 bananas (again told I could have three); 1 bag carrots, 10 red potatoes.

Meat:
Trader Joe's salmi & cheese tray expiration 1/21; frozen package of turkey lunchmeat with 11/08 expiration.

Misc.
1 roll t.p.
2 peanut granola bars

You are allowed to visit this panty once a month. Obviously no one could live for a month on the items received today. In fact, except for the can of tuna and box of tuna noodle helper, there wasn't anything that would comprise an entire meal. No spaghetti sauce to go with the spaghetti, etc. Actually what is making me feel the most ill is the prospect of eating food I don't know where is from or how soon it was frozen. For this reason I am going to toss the garlic bread and the turkey lunchmeat. I served the cheese from the cheese tray tonight with crackers and soup figuring 1 day past expiration is o.k. for cheese but I would not serve the salami. It is bothering me to even let the boys eat the cookies from 10/08. It is just the thought that this is all old food that has been sitting around.

I figured up the approximate cost of these food items to be around $40.00 but some are things I never would have bought in the first place. I was disappointed there was no laundry soap or other cleaning items like paper towels which I really need.

I also went to a job fair today and registered at another job counseling agency. I was applying for a "part-time, part-time job" of just 10 hours a week with a rate of pay of $10.00 per hour and no benefits or insurance. This was an entry level position geared for students in social work and psychology. Yet I saw other middle-aged clinicians male and female with master's degrees applying just as I. A bit depressing. I overheard someone say that the market is saturated with clinicians of my level and there are just not enough jobs to go around. Then later I spoke with the real estate paralegal about information she needed as well as my divorce attorney at length about trying to negotiate a settlement prior to mediation, etc. After my day I was just exhausted and drained! Wanting to just go to bed and hide under the covers. And another deep freeze is moving in - oh joy!

Today I am thankful:
1. That until today I never had to visit a food pantry and I pray there will not be many more times.
2. That I will never again think negative thoughts about a person in front of me at the store using federal assistance to purchase food.
3. That my children look at this time as an adventure rather than as something shameful.