Labor Day

When I was a kid, Labor Day really meant that no one was working except at the hospital. If you needed gas or groceries you waited until Tuesday or prepared by buying them over the weekend. No one went out to McDonald's - we had cookouts with our family. Today that has all changed and what makes me feel sad is that the people I think need and probably deserve the break the most - those working in the service industry of sales and fast food, are actually still working on the day created to give everyone a rest!

Speaking of a rest. My oldest came home from college for the weekend, but this was not a planned visit. He advised me he was coming home while already on the train back. When he texted that he was bringing laundry, I actually groaned out loud. Laundry? I have to do MORE laundry over this holiday weekend? I did the laundry, although one of the nicer aspects of his being away is that there is less to do now. And for those who'd say I should have made him do the laundry, well his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with him, and she was the reason he came home in the first place. I let him sleep in and have a bit of a break before heading back.

I've heard of women in my town who have gone to visit their kids away at school and have spent weekends cleaning their apartments. I don't think I'll ever end up doing that. For one thing, I'm just too tired these days for any more 'labor" or any more than I have to do. I do believe that my tiredness and weariness in regard to housework and such does relate directly to the many years I've been doing it by myself.

I just read that having to make decisions on one's own constantly is a huge responsibility and ends up causing significant life stress. I can attest to that. Apparently a lot of the stress ends up being in regard to fear of making the wrong decisions and then having to live with oneself when a wrong decision is made! Anyway, it is hard to always be the one deciding everything and having to make decisions without input.

So as for labor, I'm ready for retirement and a very long rest with my feet up! (I'm not kidding.)

Throwing in the Towel

Sometimes you have to just throw in the towel. I am thinking of the resolutions I had at the start of the year. I remember they seemed so simple and easy to achieve - to try and keep the sink clear of dirty dishes, to go through, organize and recycle my large stash of old magazines, to get through my backlogged unread emails now numbering in the 1000s.

Well, I gave it a good attempt, I really did. I tried doing dishes at night but was too tired. Then started to do them in the morning. Only then life sped up with show choir and college applications and the dishes started piling up again.

In January I made a huge effort at deleting all my old emails and within a weekend had gotten rid of 1000. But then the same old same old - no time for the computer unless to research or blog.

As for the magazines, my efforts there lasted about a day or two.

So in making the decision to throw in the towel, I have been using paper plates and cups which can at least be recycled. Last week during one of my numerous pharmacy runs to Walmart I found plastic storage containers that look like actual woven baskets and purchased enough for the bookshelf holding the magazines and now they are all in hiding and the shelf looks so much more neat and tidy.

As for the emails, well I'll try and see if I can devote some more time to that since the taxes and college financial aid apps are now completed. I know I have the option of just doing a massive delete job instead of going through them and maybe I should throw in the towel there too!

Snow Day, Sort Of

Yesterday morning, I went into work but no one had called to tell me I had been taken off the schedule on account of the blizzard on its way. I didn't mind going in and turning back because it allowed me to stop for groceries before the worst of the storm hit. I would say we got about 16 inches of snow but the real kicker was the thunder and lightening that accompanied the storm!

The boys have a snow day today and tomorrow off from school and I am off both days as well. Everything is pretty much shut down around here. Most people are plowed in their driveways and can't get out yet. I heard that Macy's in downtown Chicago was going to try and open for business this afternoon but I want to shout "Why?" Who is thinking about shopping at a major department store after a storm like this? What is so important that it can't be waited to be purchased until the roads clear?

A news person told everyone that was staying home from work today to stay inside and enjoy their families and all I can say to that is a huge "AMEN!" It is so sad that it takes a major storm to give people an opportunity to have a bit of time off and to spend some of it with their families being grateful that they are all safe and sound from the raging elements outside.

I was gleeful at the prospect of three whole days off. But my glee has turned a little bit sour at this point. The boys are off sledding and bowling while I am catching up on laundry and dirty dishes. It makes me realize how much I desperately need a day off - really off from any family and domestic duties. I don't begrudge my sons the fun of a real snow day when they can go out and sled and hang out with friends at the bowling alley. That is part of what a snow day is all about. But I do feel a bit bad that in order for me to claim a real snow day that I'll have to bite the bullet and just stop taking care of all the household chores that seem to mount up no matter what size home you live in! I thought living in a smaller space would mean less to do but it seems as though I'm just as busy as always.

I am reading Edith Wharton's "The House of Mirth" and can't wait for a moment to dive into it again. Am also knitting a very long scarf (over 160 inches long - it is kind of a joke) and want to just sit down and read and knit. The reasons I go off to Sam's once in awhile is because it seems as though the only times I can end up reading, baking or knitting are when I'm away from my home. Because as long as I am here, I'll find more than enough to do and no knitting, reading, or baking will ever get done!

So we all survived another major Midwestern/Chicagoland storm without too much stress or strain!

More than a flat tire

My right rear tire on the van was flat when I left the house late Friday afternoon to pick up a pizza for the boys. A flat tire may not be a major catastrophe in the grand scheme of life but I think for those of us on our own that it is not a minor inconvenience either. This flat tire resulted in:

1. Not being able to get the Friday night cheap pizza special for dinner.
2. I had to come up with an alternate dinner plan.
3. Worry on Fri. night about how I'd get the tire repaired.
4. Time spent Fri. afternoon talking to the tire store about towing, new tire cost, etc.
5. Money and time spent picking up fix-a-flat.
6. More money spent than planned for the boys' alternate dinner.
7. Worry Sat. a.m. about using fix-a-flat (which I've never used) and concern about driving the van to the tire store.
8. Two hours of time spent at tire store.
9. Was not able to pick-up the college kids that were supposed to come over at 8:00 a.m. to rake the yard so lost out on a low cost option to have the yard spruced up and will now need to do it on my own. (The local college comes out in Spring and Fall for community work day so this was it for this season!)
10. The extra cost of having to replace the tire.
11. My discomfort in having to handle a "guy job" which I do not find fun and really have no interest in doing.

I think that what I was feeling during this situation that again, it just demonstrates how certain events become bigger than they really are when living and handling them on your own. If my husband were alive, we'd have been able to still get the pizza and to have the college kids come over because there would be an extra car to rely on. Granted, it would have still been an annoyance, but a far lesser one than when handled alone.

To be fair, I will try and list the positives of this situation as well:

1. Learned about fix-a-flat which I had not known about.
2. Successfully used fix-a-flat and saved on the towing expense.
3. Handled the situation and got it done without tears, anger or too much self-pity.
4. Cut a deal with the tire store (since I'd just gotten two tires replaced in January) to add replacement insurance coverage on all four tires for a nominal cost.

Today I am grateful:

1. For my ultimate favorite comfort food - donuts. And I have indulged in some this weekend in part because of feeling down about the tire.
2. That the tire became flat in the driveway instead of on the road someplace far away from home.
3. That it was just a flat tire.

Facing the burned-out light bulbs

This morning after taking out the recycling/garbage which takes an hour or so, I changed the burned out light bulb by the garage. It had been out for some weeks. This symbolizes my new outlook and acceptance that I'm on my own again and just have to do it myself. Changing the light bulbs outside is such a pain it takes me time to get to them. (I don't think I have ever changed one the day it burned out.) I have to drag a chair from inside the house to stand on and the light fixture itself is hard to manipulate. Plus it is cold out there!

Part of me sometimes puts off doing chores like this as some kind of protest, I think. Part of me is angry that I got forced into this role of widow/divorcee and not completing a chore is my way of exerting some kind of control over this situation even though that doesn't really make any sense. I guess it is my way of saying it sucks to always be the one having to change all the light bulbs, much less buy all the light bulbs in the first place!

I had really hoped my remarriage was a new, fresh start for me and some freedom from the drudgery and tiredness that comes from having to do everything on your own all the time! If I could convey just one thing about the difficulties of being widowed, it would be on this topic. How hard and endlessly draining it becomes to have to do and have to think about everything! Even more so when there are still children at home. For me it is hard to relax or have downtime ever and over the course of years that is taking a toll. I find that even when I have an opportunity to relax that it is almost impossible to do so because I'll start worrying about some task or the boys. People just can't imagine or put their shoes into this situation. "How hard can it be?" is one response I have heard over the years. It is almost that I have become numb inside emotionally and outside physically from the constant worry, stress, stain and drain.

But I faced that light bulb squarely today and it got changed. And I'm going to try and face all the other burned out bulbs, clogged sinks, overflowing laundry baskets, flat tires, overdrawn checking accounts, bills that have to be paid, meals to be made, computers to fix, weeds to be pulled, garbage to be hauled to the curb with at least more courage and strength. I don't have to like doing all these tasks on my own but I can face them more timely and honestly. I have been hiding behind my grief over the end of my marriage and the death of my husband. There comes a time when you just can't hide behind the sorrow anymore and you have to face reality. That is where I am today - I don't like it one bit but I have to face it.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I have the ability to walk the garbage to the curb - what if my leg was broken or something worse?
2. That there is plenty of food to last through the month.
3. That I am somehow getting through all this and facing/dealing with it as best I can.

Small Accomplishments

The sink in the upstairs bathroom became clogged some days back. I told the boys I would not be able to attend to it until after the mediation because we were out of Drain-o and I just didn't want to have to focus on it. I was having enough trouble just maintaining my sanity in the days leading up to the mediation. Plus, I will admit that I do not just jump up and immediately replace that burned out light bulb. I think in a way my not attending to these household tasks is a way that I protest the death of Husband #1. He always took care of the household and yard stuff, the repairs, painting, clogged toilets, etc. I actually feel resentful when I am forced to take care of them now!

Yesterday I submitted myself to the needed task, especially after having heard that my youngest had not brushed his teeth in two days because he could not be bothered to take his toothbrush downstairs. My efforts at trying to dislodge the backup were unsuccessful so I had to get Drain-o. I became worried that the clog was too impacted and I'd have to come up with the cost for a plumber. But the first application of Drain-o worked and I was relieved.

This occurrence has meaning because for me it symbolizes that despite the end of my marriage and all this hardship that we are facing that at least the bathroom sink became unclogged. A small victory representing success even in the face of failure - a paradox so to speak. But this small victory to me represents a belief that the other clogs and hardships in our life will be eventually also fixed. And right now I need to have something to hold on to with that belief and if it can come from unclogging a bathroom sink I'm going to take it!

Pileups

For me, one of the most distressing aspects of living and parenting on my own has to do with what I refer to as the pileups. In my case there are specifically three - the always overflowing sink, constant towering laundry basket and ever present growing stack of unread mail. Last night I tackled the mail which was contained in a basket and a handled shopping bag. Both boys were out with friends so it was a perfect opportunity to do so. I only tended to the mail in the basket and even after a number of hours or sorting and reading I had not finished the task. My eyes were bleary eyed by the time I called it a night around 1:00 a.m. I will sort and recycle the rest in the shopping bag on Sunday and hereafter promise to make a better effort at nipping the pile in the bud by dealing with the mail as soon as it comes in.

The problem has to do with lack of time, fatigue and juggling too many balls at once. For example, my mail comes late in the day just as I am usually making dinner. I bring it in but then have only a moment to glance at it. It gets tossed on the pile. The boys come home at dinner time after their sports practices and remove their athletic clothes (after 6 days/nights of practices and games the pile can get pretty high!). We eat dinner and then there is homework to help with or something goes wrong with the computer or printer or I have to run out for milk or a needed school supply. By the time all is quiet, I am drained and the sink remains full, the mail unread and the laundry has fallen out of the hamper onto the floor. And of course looking at all of this only serves to depress (not to mention make one feel guilty for not being able to keep up, etc.).

There is much to be said for tending to chores in manageable chunks on a daily basis. It takes longer and is harder when there is more! So starting Monday, I am making a sincere attempt in at least managing the mail on a daily basis because I never want to have to dig through a stack of old papers, ads and hidden bills ever again!