Awards & Validation

My sons are transitioning well into college and the senior year of high school.

My oldest is considering joining a business fraternity that offers internships to all its members. He claims that the members last year all got jobs within 3 months of graduation. He is doing well socially, but I knew that would be one of his strengths. When he auditioned for admittance into the music dept., the head of the music college was there, and was so impressed he invited my son out to lunch off campus for an opportunity to get to know him.

There was a period of a week and a half, when my son wanted to drop a class he didn't feel he'd do well in and his adviser was against the request. But that has been worked out within the time deadline and my son is much happier with his new class. It was a good exercise for him to have to stand up for himself and go after what he knew in his heart was the right decision. And to accomplish that on his own.

My youngest, went through a few tough days himself at the start of the year when all of his teachers kept making references to his older brother. But he has received a few "awards" of his own. His graphic arts teacher told him that he is one of the top two, if not top graphic artist in the school. As such, he was drafted to design the cover for the Fall Band Festival Program, the Homecoming Tickets and the Fall Play Posters. He has been working on the band design first since it is due on Tuesday and I have to say that the design and format are pretty incredible. I couldn't do what he does creatively and then with the computer. Good for him to finally get some recognition in an area his brother is not a star.

I feel sad at times that the boys' dad isn't here to experience the talents and awards of his sons. When I tell people, the few in my life I do talk to about my sons there isn't the sense of pride and warmth that would come from a parent experiencing the successes of one of their own. When my husband was alive it was enough to share the successes, talents and accomplishments of our boys with each other. With him gone, I find that I make and effort to tell someone the good news about my sons simply because I have to share it with someone. But oftentimes, the end result is one of disappointment because quite simply, no one can love your kids more than you do. They may nod and smile and say "that's nice," but it is somewhat rote and superficial. Just another "loss" to tick off on my list - for my sons and for me. And one that is taken for granted by those married or if not, still with a co-parent in which to share and bask in the joy that comes from having decent and pretty good kids. And I suppose I should add, that most kids are pretty good and decent. And most talented in something. So I do think that most parents share these moments together at certain points in their kids' lives - the soccer goals scored, the academic recognition, the band or orchestra solos...

Parents can get off on bragging about their offspring to each other. I sometimes fear that I may come across as a braggart or overly involved with my sons because when I talk to people I do mention the successes of my kids. But it's not like I'm going to dwell on what isn't going well for them (which thankfully has never been that much). Still, you know how there is always that PTA mom out there that has to brag about how her kids are in the gifted program (real example from my past). When she spreads it on thick it can get annoying. I spread it on because if I don't, I just might burst - I have to not because I'm overly singing my sons' praises. I think that when our kids do well, we can feel validated that we've also done something well. And boy of boy, do widows need to feel and hear that praise.

Sometimes Lemons Are Lemons

I was thinking about that saying, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade" and concluded that it is rather silly advice. It certainly doesn't apply to widowhood. There are some situations that no amount of altering will improve or make better than before. What can be added to widowhood that will take out some of the sour - the endless hardship, loneliness, daily grind, fatigue and struggle to go on as one when you were paired with a loving life partner by your side? I can't think of anything off the top of my head.

Bah on all the dribble that comes from the other sayings and beliefs such as "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Also, my personal favorite, that what I am living through will end up making me a better person. In what way? I'm bitter and drained, tired and pissed off with this crummy life. I don't want to live this life anymore - but guess what? I don't have the option of "divorcing" it.

I've come to believe that some of us do have to face harder lives than others. It isn't fair and there is no rhyme or reason sometimes to what happens. But by the same token, when some people fall they fall pretty hard and they just can't get up again, or if they do rise it is not without significant struggle. So I'll throw in all the crappy sayings about being strong, and fighting back and not giving up... blah, blah, blah. All just stupid, silly words that end up being meaningless in the end.

Some situations are just sour, bitter, lemons and nothing will ever turn them into a cool, frosty drink that we can't wait to sip. Lets cut the fantasy and call a spade a spade. Widowhood sucks and I will never ever make it into something it is not and that it shouldn't be. Right now I just want to spit the widowhood lemon out of my mouth and say "The hell with you!"

"But you have to go on and make the best of things." What if you can't see any best or there isn't any best left? What if you are too weary to keep walking the widowhood walk? What if there just isn't any fight left because the lemons outnumber the oranges and you can't afford any sugar anyway?

No One To Talk To

A major albatross for me are the bleachers at the high school. Not exactly the bleachers but the people filling the stands and the representation of intact families and couples. I know this is a trigger for me and should come up with some method of reducing my anxiety when I attend school functions. But usually I am in such a hurry to get to and fro that it sneaks up on me - the onslaught of feelings and emotions that overcome me like they did when I went to my oldest's volleyball game on Thursday.

His team was playing my old high school so that was part of the problem. Now nostalgia from the past got added to the mix along with other memories from my childhood, not so good. Probably a loaded and charged situation.

My youngest was demonstrating some brotherly support by going with me to see his brother play since he was starting and doesn't always play. But after the teams were introduced and we stood for the flag, he told me that he wanted to leave to sit with friends. I pointed out to him that if he left me I would be the only person sitting alone in the bleachers. He scoffed at my comment, then looked around the gym. His eyes widened as he realized I was right. Yes, I would have been the only one by myself in a crowd of many if he hadn't ended up sitting with me for the game.

Now I suppose this is a minor hardship to deal with in the grand scheme of things. In fact, my youngest told me there was a way to deal with my discomfort by not going to these events. Although that of course is not a solution because I want to see my sons whenever they are participating in an event of any kind.

I think a major factor in all of this is the length of time that this has been going on. Six and a half long years of this! I'm tired and drained and the constant strain of this is taking its toll. The widowed have to deal with the actual death of their loved ones but then come the days, months and now years of continuing a life that becomes more stressful.

Every time I go to a game or concert my heart and soul are pulled on when I see numerous couples greet each other and show their support for their children or relatives. There is almost an indescribable wave of pain and longing that hits me at these things. I look around me with such jealousy that those sitting in that gym don't have to be assaulted with these invisible feelings that overtake me.

On Thursday night I am sad to say that I actually started shouting in my head, "I HATE YOU!" to the women and men I saw on the bleachers next to me. The better thing to say would have been "I hate the lives you seem to have that I don't right now" because of course I don't personally know any of them. Or maybe, "I hate what you represent and I hate the feelings that get stirred up when I see you."

Again as always, I am struck by how much it seems married folks take one another for granted. I wanted to get up and make a little speech along the lines of "How would you like to be forced back into the dating world where you're rejected on a constant basis for being and looking age 50?" Dating, now there is another fun topic for another post. Talk about being burdened and then on top of it all, rising to the occasion to take a chance on a relationship and having the courage and strength to face the potential of rejection. God it is hard and it just doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

My spirit is depleted. I am sure I look like a drained, harried, lonely, unhappy 50-year-old woman when I'm at these events.

Something that I kept thinking about was how you can really be extremely lonely even surrounded by a large group of people. If a picture was taken I wouldn't look alone in that crush of people. Seeing the couples talk to one another is what really got to me on Thursday. Seeing them greet each other. I have a huge need right now to talk to someone about my job and career future and that just doesn't happen in my life. These parents can chat on the drive home or over dinner. The ability to discuss current events, receive feedback and advice, to have someone observe that you look nice or even look tired. When none of that is happening in your life, it gets harder to keep up the game. At least for me. And maybe that is why I am letting some of the anger and frustration out as I did when I yelled inwardly at the opposing team's parents.

I'm not pleased with myself that I am releasing tension in this way. It is not the way I want to relate to the world. Shouting negatively (even within my head) will only result in negativity coming back to me in some way.

I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of having someone close to me, in which to share my life. Maybe if I had a family member to relate with this need would not be so apparent and necessary right now. But there is such a huge void that comes with sitting in the bleachers with no one to turn to to share the small moment of pleasure that comes with your son scoring a goal. On its own the event itself is not the issue - it is the build-up of many of these events and the lack of someone in my life who is interested and cares about them. And I could say that yes, I have a few friends who do care about me. But there is a need to share day-to-day life and occurrences. Well again, maybe not a necessary need but it sure is nice and makes life a lot more valuable and worth living.

After the game, back at home, my son told me his coach has informed him that he will be one of the two captains on next year's team. My heart swells with pride, yet at the same time I feel the tears because I'd like to be able to share that with someone who would take it seriously. One way of describing how I feel is that it is like that saying, "All dressed up with no where to go." I feel all this stuff both good and bad and it just sits inside me or churns around endlessly. Until finally there isn't any release but the toxic one of me blowing off steam in the form of glaring at people I don't even know and then thinking mean thoughts about them. I am also beginning to fear that I have lost some of my verbal communication skills - I have become a less effective communicator since I've been widowed. How's that for another price to pay for this shitty situation?

This is why I continue to feel I am becoming that dreaded bitter and angry widow I hoped I wouldn't become. But I see myself headed that way and despite my awareness of it I just don't seem to care much right now or have the strength/energy to fight it off.

Muffins & Continued Rage

Both boys are out tonight, each with their group of friends. So here I am in the same situation (alone & sad). Moving to a new place did not change this aspect of my life. I went to Walmart to buy a microwave as ours conked off right before the move. The cheapest one there was $50.00 so I headed over to Target to see if I could do better. They had one for $41.99 on clearance. It was originally a $65.00 model so the better deal. I spent a little time wandering the store and felt furious at all the intact families I saw shopping and the moms and daughters together. I started to think of mean things to say to some of these people (pretty out of character). For instance, to a woman with hair down to her bottom I wanted to say, "Cut your hair, it is too long." To smokers I saw, I wanted to say, "Your habit is disgusting and you need to quit!" Just that sort of thing. Of course I am jealous and envious of those who are not alone. I know my boys would not be out shopping with me at their ages but if I were married I'd be with my husband and not alone. I saw a number of middle-aged husband and wife duos out together. I didn't see any depressed woman or men on their own but maybe I didn't notice them because I was too focused on seeing the lucky people not by themselves.

I have been out shopping so infrequently except the grocery store for over a year. I went a little crazy in the Taget Superstore Bakery - bakery stuff is a weakness for me, especially muffins. I picked up pumpkin, apple, cinnamon, double chocolate chip and carrot. Then I got some cinnamon/pecan rolls, chocolate croissants and mini cupcakes. I'll pop them all into the freezer and the three of us can select one each evening and take it out to defrost overnight the next couple of weeks. It will be a fall treat for us.

So I'd rather spend a little bit of extra money on food than anything else right now although I do covet a Celine Dion CD. In the past year I have only purchased one clothing item for myself - a lime green linen top (dress up) that was on sale at Carson's for $11.00. When I bought it I felt guilty and am still considering returning it.

I have those awful feelings of just wanting the world to stop or slow down for me so I can finish unpacking and putting this new place in order. While it remains messy and disorganized I find myself plunging deeper and deeper into dismay. Exactly how I felt in the early months of grief after my husband's death and then when my second husband filed for divorce. But what I have certainly learned is that the world doesn't give us a break and tomorrow I'll have to go to work and put on my game face. When I am upset like this I become more anxious about the boys whom I can't supervise because I am at work. I have reached the point where the anxiety and worry is not worth the few hundred dollars I am making. I am about ready to quit because I have to have some control over my life, even if it is simply that I am nearby and available to my boys.

Writing all this has destressed me and I am no longer in a snippy, sniping mode thinking mean thoughts about people I know and don't know. I will eat a cupcake and that will make my life and world just a teensey bit better.

A Little Dose of Therapy

I am back to seeing my grief therapist on a weekly basis to help me get through this latest secondary loss of having to sell/move from the home I shared with Husband #1 and downsize into a two-bedroom apartment with the boys. At one point during today's session, my therapist made the comment on how few people seem to understand how difficult it is being an only parent. I have struggled with this issue from the beginning of my widowhood. I asked my therapist if other widows deal with the same issue and she said, yes, that it is felt across the board to a certain extent by all widows raising kids. But to what degree frustration is felt is in direct correlation to how much outside support (emotional and physical) is received by the widow. In my case, since I have received virtually none from family, I am hit doubly hard. Trying to always explain to others how hard this is/was while at the same time feeling tremendously angry at the hand I have been dealt.

I am feeling a lot of rage right now. Pent up anger, grief and outrage from years past. Little help received from others and then the tedium of having to do everything by myself anyway. And the constant justifying my actions and trying to explain just how tough this role is/has been. My therapist pointed out that I will continue to be an only parent for the near future. But that I can start to try and choose more supportive people to interact with. We talked about how I may have been unconsciously bringing certain people into my life who end up not being supportive, including Husband #2. Interesting food for thought.

Rather than try and talk me out of my raging feelings, as so many in my life try to do, my therapist told me that I need to feel them and get them out. There is a backlog of them and if I don't deal with them now they can rear their ugly heads in less than positive ways in the future. I recalled asking Husband #1 for help with cleaning out the garage two years ago. His response to me was that I was weak for needing the help. When I recently told Guyfriend that I am feeling overwhelmed and dismayed with the unpacking process, he told me that he is sick of my negative attitude and that all things get better with time. My therapist stressed that we are entitled to our feelings and to be talked out of them or to be told they are not valid is very counterproductive.

The other good advice I gained from today's session was that when people start to give me their opinions on parenting (the boys should get jobs and play less sports for example) I can stop the barrage right then and there by holding up my hand and saying, "Whoa, hold the advice. Until you've walked in my shoes you don't have any conception of the decisions and choices I've had to make." We talked a little about how easy it is for others to throw in their two cents - especially those who have no idea what they are talking about!

I am just experiencing a great deal of difficulty getting through all the boxes stacked up in the apartment and trying to make a new start for the three of us. I am frustrated and feel alone and defeated. Add some anger and rage along with the usual grief to the mix and boy, I'm having a real party here!

Today I am grateful:

1. For my therapist. May I someday return to my field so I can impart my wisdom and comfort to others facing this same strife.
2. For grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches.
3. That gas prices went down.
4. For the Korean place I go to for pedicures (my one beauty luxury I allow myself).
5. That I found my younger son's textbooks the packers had put into the box labeled "fine china!"

Waltzing off into the Sunset

I have three close friends, all of whom are divorced, two female and one male. My guy friend's ex-wife initiated a divorce from him in the fall of 2007. Their divorce was finalized in March, 2008. She started dating at that time and remarried March, 2009! She is moving out of state at the start of August and taking my friend's 11-year-old son with her. It was extremely fortunate that the company she works for in Chicago just so happened to have an opening in their office in the state her new husband resides. So she relocated without having to look for a new job. She and her new husband also just bought a house together.

This situation irks the heck out of me for a number of reasons. It so reeks of unfairness that I want to scream! For one thing, ex-wife isn't a knock-out or anything special in the looks department. She once weighed 240 pounds and has acne scarring on her face. She did not go to college. Apparently she has lost some of the pounds but isn't thin. I suppose that isn't what gets me upset. And these factors shouldn't matter (but somehow they do).

What really gets me is that since her son has been an infant, her mom resided with them and provided the childcare she and my guy friend needed to be working. Grandma also bought them the lovely four bedroom home they lived in. Needless to say, grandma also cooked, cleaned and shopped. "Not that pretty ex-wife" never had to parent on her own, manage a home on her own or even shop or clean by herself. She never had to arrange carpooling or to take her son to the emergency room or doctor's appointments on her own. AND SHE ONLY SLEPT ALONE FOR A YEAR!!! Excuse me Universe - but there are a heck of a lot of women out there handling it ALL on their own and sleeping in their own beds. And they're tired and want to be loved again by someone.

"Not that pretty ex-wife" took away all the spots ahead of her - she didn't pay her dues - she cut in front of the line! Maybe it is harsh and unfair for me to think of all of this (and I've never even met her) but she doesn't seem to deserve another shot at happiness so soon after her divorce without having really suffered much, if at all. This woman hasn't been much of an active parent, with my guy friend and grandma handling far more of the hands-on parenting. So not only does she get to waltz off into the sunset to her new life, but she gets the kid too!

The one aspect of all of this that is the most glaring is that she never really had to sleep alone. Just a year. It is going on six years for me (seven if you count the year my husband was in the hospital most of that time). In terms of all I've had to live and survive through, my number should be the one called for some happiness right now. Not some woman who selfishly is tearing her only child away from his dad and kicking out her mom so she can do her own thing.

Maybe I need to take her lead and be more selfish myself - when I had that chance I ended up losing my second husband because I chose to care for my dying Mom and concentrate on my sons. Why doesn't that count for anything? I'm living at a low economic level, no one is sharing my bed and we're faced with moving into an apartment (so I'll have to get rid of over half of our current possessions). This woman's new house has a hot tub and six acres of land. Just doesn't seem balanced, right or fair in the grand scheme of things. But what, if any of the past years since my husband's death have been?

Maybe what I am trying to uncover in all of these words is that "Not so pretty ex-wife" doesn't seem as deserving as me or the other widows out there who have been pulling more than their weight. It is hard not to compare oneself to someone who hasn't had to endure as much struggle and hardship and seemingly has an easier life.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the opportunity to see one of my son's pitch and the other catch together in tonight's baseball game, which they won.
2. For the compliment one of the moms said to me tonight, about how handsome and nice my boys are. I replied that I thought they'd turned out pretty well and she told me I'd done a good job (ON MY OWN!).
3. That we did receive an offer on the house today (and the house has only been listed a week).
4. For my youngest son telling me that living in an apartment will be better for us because we don't need all the room in our current home.
5. For having a good girlfriend to call and talk about the house with - and hearing her tell me that everything I've done in the last year has been accomplished on my own without the assistance of anyone. And that I should be proud of myself.

I Want a Gold Star

I went to our town's Memorial Day parade because my oldest was marching in the high school band. It was an experience of such mixed emotions! For one, I was tearful over the men and women who have died serving our country. Then, I have always struggled with having to attend school/social events on my own but going to a parade by myself really takes the cake. At least for football and sporting events I can sit down in the bleachers and kind of hide. Out on the sunny street surrounded by families and couples made me feel so exposed and ALONE. I kept reminding myself that I was going though the effort for my son and I was so PROUD to see him marching. At first I didn't even recognize him - he is 6" and so handsome! So mature and kind besides. I only wish that I had some kind of proof that his Dad knows how well he has gotten through the years since his death.

Seeing all the moms fussing over their kids and the dads video taping the bands and scout troops marching by brought out those feelings of anger, bitterness, unfairness and resentment that have been surfacing over the past few weeks. It is hard enough getting through the days physically as an "only" parent - but then there is the emotional element besides. So much energy that is needed to pull myself out of the house, into the car, out on the street so I can be there for my son. Over time it has just taken such a toll on me - I don't think people can get this aspect of widowhood because on its face it doesn't seem like that much of a big deal - going alone to see your kid march in a parade. But for me at least, it is the buildup over time of these events - the mental and emotional drain they cause week after week, year after year. Let me tell you, it takes a lot of spirit, courage and energy to keep facing these events on one's lonesome.

I'm thinking all of the above thoughts out on the street while watching the parade, which is another aspect of this issue to mention. For most of those at the parade, I can safely bet, their emotions were tied up with the event at hand and wondering what to cook at this afternoon's bbq. What I have found as a widowed mom however, is that an event like this will unleash a torrent of emotions (all unrelated and ranging from rage at being alone to feeling proud at my son's accomplishments). This also leads to tremendous mental fatigue because when you're overcome by such emotions you have to deal with them (or at least some of them) - they don't go away on their own. It is another challenge of my situation. And beng alone, there isn't someone right there to talk to or provide some comfort.

These are all things that people can't see because they are on the inside. So while I may look attractive and put together while at this parade, inside I am a crumbling mess! As the parade ended and I walked back to the van I decided that I need to get myself a "gold star" for being a devoted mom the past years. Like the ones that were awarded in kindergarten. I am going to be on the lookout for a gold star I can wear as a necklace or pin because right now someone needs to "award" me one. And as soon as I can find one I am going to wear it as a badge of honor proudly!

Good News -
My son made it to the club volleyball tryouts yesterday while I was at work, getting a ride there from a friend and a ride back from a school teammate. Out of the 50 kids trying out only 12 were selected but my son was one of them (and he has only played one season of the sport!). I was happy to know that his fellow schoolmate also made the team which means hopefully there will be someone we can call on to help us in driving emergencies.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the ultimate sacrifice our fallen soldiers have taken in the line of duty for our country. I hope this contemplation surpasses all of our more selfish thoughts about ourselves on this day.
2. For the opportunity to live in this great land and it is the best place in the world to be.
3. For hot dogs, watermelon, baked beans, chips, coleslaw and potato salad.
4. For all the sacrifices I made for the boys because today I saw firsthand that it was worth every struggle and hardship.
5. For the kindness of others, near and far, especially those taking the time to offer a few words of wisdon and understanding.

Anger

I am starting to feel a lot of anger - so far in my grief journey anger has not been an emotion that I have allowed myself to experience much. But it is coming out now in full force. I was in the grocery store yesterday only picking up a package of chili seasoning and a can of chopped tomatoes. I went to the express line but was beat out by a middle-aged dad who took the first place. I glared at him as he pulled out his wallet and I saw the photos of his children - no doubt the wife was waiting for him at home. I wanted to point to the tabloid paper showing the photo of Patrick Swayze and say, "That is what my husband looked like before he died." But I didn't. I was angry that this guy with his life together had no problem going ahead of me in line. But I am the person who deserved to check out sooner. All pretty petty stuff I know but it was what I was thinking as I stood behind this guy. Wanting to say to the whole line in fact or maybe even the entire store, "Your lives are better than mine - but that doesn't give you an excuse to take the first place in line - maybe think about the people you cut in front of." Somehow I don't believe many people care much about anyone else's lives but their own.