St. Patty's Day

I am very, very tired of late. My youngest told me the other day that I need to snap out of my funk. Kind of just drifting and going through the motions. In four months we will be gone from this location and I have started to panic at all that needs to get accomplished by then. Having moved from a large home three years ago, I am aware of all that is entailed with a major relocation. Doing it all on my own again... Packing, sorting, tossing, physically moving furniture and boxes, the emotions involved with discarding the old...

Spring has sprung early. I should be relieved that Old Man Winter is gone for another season but am almost too weary to rejoice in the warm weather. I also seem to suffer from PMS-related depression so mid-month my anxiety increases and my mood plummets.

This is where I am - not particularly a good place but where I am for the now. I have been reflecting on and trying to prepare mindfully for the strength I will need to really embrace four months from now when both boys will be at college and I'll be a widowed empty-nester. The reality of this part of my life and I think widowhood in general, is that widows have to constantly reinvent themselves and forge new paths in their lives. That is very tiring to face over and over, yet alone have to live through.

Eight years of raising my sons on my own after almost three years of care giving to a sick and dying husband. It all catches up with you. To move past this period of my life is long overdue. It is fitting and necessary to be physically moving from this location as it will represent a new beginning and options for me and my family. Leaving the area is the best prescription for us.

But in the meantime, I still have to live and get through the upcoming days and months. Hope a little St. Patrick's Day luck will come our way and to everyone.

Waiting Out the Days

In just six months, my youngest will be on the campus of his college for Freshman Orientation Week! Wow! When I look ahead to that milestone, I can see that time is rolling forward to our new beginning. Yet all the same, time seems to be progressing so dreadfully slowly.

You would think that after everything, these last few months would be a breeze to get through. But I am finding that not the case. It is getting harder for me to wait out these final days. My girlfriend, a teacher, agrees with me on this. She says the hardest weeks for her to get through are the four-day ones, when they should be easier.

As usual, am feeling the winter blues when the "greyness" of winter makes me want to scream! But I am so grateful that essentially this has been a very mild winter season, certainly the most mild that I recall in the past 10 years. Bad PMS again this week. I need to anticipate this better and realize that my low mood and motivation come at this time of the month. Once it passes, I am like a new person, again ready to take on the world.

Why do we so often feel the need to beat ourselves up for being human? This was a weekend where I had plans to be more productive but just wasn't. I am often alone at home with my youngest out and about doing all the social activities Senior high schoolers are involved with. It is a bit depressing for me as I contemplate the life changes being a widowed-empty-nester will bring. My energy level is so sapped I only read, clean, cook, organize or knit halfheartedly. But really, is this so bad? So I spend a couple days moping about in pjs doing not much of anything. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things, this little rest will be restoring in and of itself.

Tomorrow I will try to get out for a walk. Celebrity Apprentice starts, which my son and I will eagerly watch together. I will put more effort into my actions knowing that the work week starts anew and luckily, my hours are being increased at my request. That might help with keeping me preoccupied and active as I wait out these final days of winter and those leading up to my move and new life. Right now I am in a holding pattern. I've put off looking at communities to move to until it is Spring but I think once I am actively involved in the process it will help with the passing of time. This is a limbo period, yet my soul is itching to get going and I want it all now. Enough waiting! Yet somehow when we were little we all made it through the long agony of waiting for Santa to arrive. And even as an adult I have made it through months of anticipation and waiting - for my weddings, college graduations, the birth of my sons.

Only those times I wasn't on my own. I had caring partners by my side to help distract me and support me emotionally. It seems that the days are longer, waiting out the days now as a widow.

JUNUARY

The last day of a typically snowy, wintry month. Only today it hit 56 degrees. What a heat wave in the middle of winter! My husband used to always say spring really began on February 15th. He was a big conservationist and believed in climate change, which my son says replaced the old term "Global Warming." But I wish I could have proved him wrong about his own personal spring theory. Because the past eight years since his death, the winters have been especially harsh. So this winter has really been a big blessing for me. One less obstacle to deal with in widowhood land.

On top of everyday life, being a widow in winter brings on the ever cold bed that once was so much warmer when shared with a partner. There is the rash of holidays starting with the early Thanksgiving and ending with Valentine's Day. For me in the Midwest there is the added car maintenance and worry about driving in hazardous weather. The days are so long, overcast and dark. Well, enough description, you get the idea - I am depressing myself!

We use certain days as markers in our lives. I have always used Valentine's Day not to mark the end of winter, as my husband did, but to symbolize that the end is near. In recent years, I have come to believe that if I can make it to Feb. 15th, the worst is over and I'll survive the final month to spring.

My husband and I used to always write down the first day we noticed that the grass was really green. It would usually fall around March 21st. I would mark the date on a post it note, then put it up on the fridge and throughout the next winter glance at that date with hope. I kept the last post it note from the spring before my husband died up on the fridge until we moved from our home. And then I took it down and put it with paperwork to be saved, though where it is now, I haven't a clue. But when I move, unpack and eventually come across that note, I will put it back up on my new fridge.

In the meantime, just 14 days til V-Day, which I no longer look at so much as a romantic holiday. But it is still okay to look at it as a beacon of light shining through the winter gloom and illuminating the green of March!

Think Spring!

It is hard to not long for Spring when we keep having plentiful days of above 30 degree weather. What a blessing this Winter has been compared to those of past years. There has only been limited snow and cold. I have come to dislike the Winter months because of the added burdens they bring to an only parent or one living alone without a full-grown adult in the household. These months of dark and cold are usually accompanied by mild depression as well.

It has been easier for me to just keep plugging/plodding away the past few weeks - to aim toward getting through what I consider the harshest month, January. I don't want to air my feelings of worry or anxiety. What good does that do except for the initial venting? So it is not to say that all is hunky dory in my neck of the woods (remember that old figure of speech?). But that I'm not out of the woods yet.

The number one thing I have determined that will bring some ease into my life is being free to move from this area to one of more affordability. And I can't do that just yet, so for now it is continuing to hang in there.

I remain focused on supporting my younger son through his final semester of high school. My plans to attend grad school for career updating have to be put on hold for a few more months. I wasn't aware of how costly it is to apply for grad school and get transcripts sent from the five colleges I attended. But that is okay. The focus here is finishing what I was bound and determined to do - enable both boys to graduate from their hometown high school and get admitted into decent colleges of their choice.

In just a few months, I will get back to the college application process for myself but I still have to work on the financial aid stuff for my sons and that takes priority right now. If this results in my having to start school a semester later than planned, I'll just take a bit of time off for myself, which isn't such a bad idea in the first place.

My regular nightmare (both asleep and awake) is a fear of losing my teeth. I've just come across an interpretation of that dream. It is closely tied with our basic, most primal needs for survival and the nightmare comes out when we are extremely stressed and fearful. The fact that I have this nightmare frequently reminds me that despite the month of January being a bit more mild, my life is still stressful. I think for many widows, a stressed life is pretty much the norm. And maybe when you stop and think about it, most of us lead stressed out lives, widowed or not. But of course, there are additional challenges faced by widows on top of everything else.

My oldest son sent me a text today saying that he had a good idea for a tattoo for me. I sent him a text back, curious as to what his idea was. He replied that I should get either the image of a Superwoman or just the word Superwoman. He then related that he had just written his fourth English paper of the semester and wrote it about me. As he said, "I called you Superwoman in my paper since you had to do so much stuff for us, so I think it would be a pretty appropriate tattoo haha."

It will be interesting to read his paper, which I asked him to email me. In the meantime, I'll stay the course and imagine myself, Superwoman cape and all, emerging with a flourish into the sunny Spring!

Spring Finally in the Air

After a harsh winter of longing for and dreaming of Spring, this fair season has finally arrived and I am sick (physically) and downhearted when I wish I was jumping for joy! I got ill last year around this time too and I wonder if it has something to do with focusing all my energies on getting through the winter months and once they are over my body can relax and give into fatigue. Just a nasty cold this time, when last year I think it was Mono. Still...

I don't want the rest of my life to go on this way. To struggle and battle with winter only to have it end and be so spent I can't even seem to look forward to the warmer months ahead. Too melodramatic here? I don't think so. I know fellow blogger and widow Beth will understand this, although I'm not sure others would. It's kind of like a feeling of spinning my wheels. So I made it through another rough winter - guess what? Another one awaits and another one after that and then another...

I am taking the day off from work. I had a rough day at work on Saturday when I was coming down with this and no doubt got sick at work in the first place. Long gone are the days when I would go into work sick. Now if I'm sick I'm staying home. In fact, one of the servers was ill with similar symptoms and she should have stayed home. But she is about 25 and when I was her age, I worked in sickness and health too.

Speaking of work, it is a tiring and rather thankless job. It reminds me so much of cashiering at the Big Box Store. I have resolved to start taking classes for the Library Assistant Program next term. I would have started them in January but that month became too crazy with the memorial service for my father and my son's talent competition in Springfield. I think knowing that I am DOING something to get myself out of these low or entry level type jobs will improve my mood considerably. But I also have to cut myself some slack knowing that I'm not the only professional out there working in retail or at a restaurant simply because of the economy and so on. But actually engaging in some type of action is a great motivator.

So these are my petty thoughts and worries at this point. I am disturbed with world events - the earthquake, our bombing of Libya. There have also been reported increased sightings of UFOs worldwide - that to me is very scary. And yet we drag ourselves out of bed and continue to face the days. At least now, there will be more sun than clouds.

Signs of Spring and March

Throughout my life, even as a child, I have disliked the month of March. It has been my least favorite month. Here around Chicago and in the Midwest, March is a gloomy, grey, cold, dreary, ugly time period. There is still the potential for snowstorms/blizzards (my brother was born in one in mid-March), and then there will be the odd spring-like day of sun and warmth. To me, it is a bizarre month because it is not quite spring and not quite winter and I don't like things to not be something more specific!

But through widowhood, I have come to appreciate this month and January has replaced it as the one I most dread (because of the constant scraping and worry about snow, plus extreme cold). March has become a beacon for me - a goal to look forward to when January hits. "If I can just hold out to March, spring will be right around the corner and the worst of it will be over." I know now that if it snows, the snow will soon melt and I have been hearing the birds again whose chirps and twittering have been absent all winter.

And this may be a new record for me - the woman who loses half a dozen gloves a season - only three missing gloves this year! I have a stash of those gloves you can buy in inexpensive pairs at Target (usually snapped up at the end of the season for next to nothing just for this reason).

The Ice Melts

The ice eventually melted and all day there were sparkles in the tops of trees shining off the sunlight. I tried to capture some of the magic but didn't come close. So I suppose a lesson here is that life goes on and even in the aftermath of a storm, there can be unexpected beauty.

Flo commented that it is okay for us to have some self-pity every once in a while and I want to say a "here here" to that sentiment. We live in this society where it is looked down on to mope or complain. But I read somewhere that in actuality, it is rather healthy to do so on occasion - doesn't make us weaker but actually stronger because we are trying to comfort ourselves (when there isn't anyone else around to do so).

Stupid Ice Storm!

So in the end it all comes down to this. A blog constantly complaining about the trials and tribulations of being a widowed, middle-aged mom. I am on a freaking merry-go-round and just can't seem to get off. Round and round she goes...

This morning awakened to an ice storm from last night and can't get the vehicles scraped off. My car doors were stuck shut and I asked the nice young dad from downstairs for his muscle strength since the boys had already left for school. He got one of the doors opened but I looked at my ice covered windows and came back in for a cup of tea and a blogging gripe session before heading out to do the job. I don't want to. It will probably take me a half hour in the cold and then I'm off to work. I'm already tired and it is only Monday morning. How can someone be tired on Monday morning? I'm tired and drained every day!

I know that I've been posting more positive posts of late, but then an ice storm comes and it just blasts me back 10 steps. Everyone here is sick of winter. When they announced the winter storm advisory last night my youngest groaned out loud.

I wish I had the personality to turn this around with a more positive spin. Thinking/saying that having to go out and scrape a thick layer of ice off my vehicle to get to my "temporary low level job" makes me feel alive because I'm using my muscles and exerting myself in the fresh air. But I'm not that person in the first place and after a number of years of widowhood I haven't become stronger doing everything on my own, just more tired and depleted.

It is not the grief and loss that gets to you in the end - it is the living and doing and coping and struggling on one's own that does you in. At least that is my opinion on this widowhood road. Far more hardships than pleasures and somehow always having the scale tip downward seems a darn shame. Widowhood life is just so unbalanced. There needs to be more "evenkeeledness." But how can there ever be more balance when one is always behind, running to catch up, low on rest, sleep and relaxation and always doing the work of two? It's a no win situation if you ask me. And then throw in a freaking ice storm when it is almost impossible to just keep up when life is "normal" and I'm ready to throw in the towel or should I say ice scraper!

Winter/Widow Weariness

I read in the paper today that in each of the past four years Chicago has gotten over 50 inches of snow and each has been a colder than usual winter besides. I just know that the past four winters have been so tough to endure. One winter I got tennis elbow that lasted six months from constantly having to scrape off the vehicles - I thought it was something worse. How silly to get tennis elbow having not played any tennis in the dead of winter!

For me the winters represent the worst of my losses. At least during the warmer months I can walk and get out and about more freely. If I could label my grief as a month it would definitely be January with February a close second.

On a more positive note, one of the servers at my job has become friendly with me and we've discussed taking some kind of exercise class together. I am also planning to take archery lessons that start in March and wanted to take fencing but the class meets Wed. nights and I do not want to miss my knit club. Maybe I can take fencing at another time in the future.

I guess like grief, winter is an event that has to be trudged through. I wish it were easier. But coping all these past winters hasn't made this one any easier to face. The passage of time might make some things easier but I don't think it magically makes everything better. Winter makes me feel as though I've taken 10 steps backward. And I never seem to feel warm enough under the covers alone...

It is supposed to warm up over the weekend and for that I am extremely grateful. And I will try and post about another topic rather than how much I hate winter! But I guess the point of this whole reflection is that widowhood like winter doesn't get easier as the season progresses and maybe in some cases it actually gets more wearisome. Another misnomer I want to clear up as I think the general impression out there is that time heals all wounds and so on. Why people really believe this sometimes baffles me. But enough on this for now. It is currently 4 below zero without wind chill...

Spring Fever

It is currently one degree outside with windchill factor to be 30 below tonight. I am just so, so, so cold and tired. I want to bury myself under the covers and stay buried. Enough is enough of Old Man Winter. Although the Oreos may be pushing the limit here with their early February arrival, seeing them on the shelf brought me a bit of hope and cheer.

Vulnerability

As much fun and joy this picture depicts of snow, I am finding myself sick of the cold and winter. About this time of year I start to feel more vulnerable. I think part of it is related to the weather and the constant concern over winter driving and adverse weather conditions. I also just found out that although my sons will be eligible for health insurance from our state (I still have to pay a premium), I am no longer eligible and I am worried sick about being able to find affordable coverage between now and the end of the month.

I keep thinking of Obama's State of the Union Address when he talked about health care. I didn't know I was being cut from my coverage at that time and now that I am aware, I have become one of those citizens facing what is in my opinion one of the worst issues plaguing our country right now - not having affordable health care available to everyone who wants/needs it.

Just another hardship to try and figure out and deal with and quite frankly along with the weather I am sick and tired of coping with all of life alone. I have come to believe that it is nearly impossible for some of us to survive on our own (one salary) and that is part of the reason I am so eager for remarriage. Not only do I want to share life with a partner for romance and companionship, but it seems to be an almost economic necessity to exist in our society right now. Marriage would improve my economic/financial life as sad as a reason as that is to get married. But I'm trying to be practical here and realistic.

Anyway, that is what has been on my mind of late - more worry and hating the snow. The one bright spot is going to hear my son in a dress rehearsal concert for show choir tonight and he has a solo. It is tough going back out into the cold, dark night but at least the auditorium will be warm and alive with the spirit and energy of young people, much like those depicted in the snow picture above! I'm hoping some of that liveliness rubs off on me!

Update:

Although it was snowing when I left for the concert and I groaned a loud GROAN because it snowed yesterday too and I am so tired of scraping off the vehicles, it was worth attending. Couldn't believe how these kids get through a nonstop performance of 25 minutes singing and dancing to 6 songs with costume changes during! My son's solo was amazing. His band director was at the concert and congratulated him after. He said he wanted to speak to my son about college sometime this week. Then the director and I walked down the hallway together while my son got his costume and helped clear the stage. I related a little about the state talent contest, mentioning that my son had composed and performed a new song. I said I'm not sure where to go with promoting/supporting my son because it seems as though his work is becoming more complex and sophisticated. The band director agreed. When I added that my son seems to have something special, he agreed with that too. That is what he wants to also address with my son - where he can go from here.

The past few weeks my son has been complaining that he joined the group - the dance routines are fast-paced and difficult. He is working a lot of hours on the weekends and this is another responsibility. I was in show choir for two years in college and loved it. Seeing my son perform tonight I was reassured that it is a good activity for him to be involved in. Despite his complaints, he is one of the strongest dancers in the group and I feel that being in this group rounds out his musical experience. He plays guitar, is the section leader on sax for the top band, composes the music and lyrics to his own songs - he has not yet performed in a choir so this is good experience, as well as all the dancing.

I stopped at Starbucks on the way home to treat my son to a coffee drink. We were given a gift card from Sam and on Sunday I treated my youngest to a strawberry drink. I got a box of Joy tea which is a rarity since it is usually sold out by now. So Sam's gift treated us all. I noticed a bunch of sandwiches on the counter and remarked how good they looked. The manager told me they were free for the taking since they were going out of code soon. I told him my sons would be thrilled with a $5.75 sandwich for their lunches tomorrow and ended up with 4 sandwiches and a yogurt parfait, which I'll snag.

So the evening ended up turning out to be a big success despite the falling snow. After our latest blizzard anything is tolerable so I imagine that we'll make it through the rest of the season okay having survived such a bad storm last week!

Snow Day, Sort Of

Yesterday morning, I went into work but no one had called to tell me I had been taken off the schedule on account of the blizzard on its way. I didn't mind going in and turning back because it allowed me to stop for groceries before the worst of the storm hit. I would say we got about 16 inches of snow but the real kicker was the thunder and lightening that accompanied the storm!

The boys have a snow day today and tomorrow off from school and I am off both days as well. Everything is pretty much shut down around here. Most people are plowed in their driveways and can't get out yet. I heard that Macy's in downtown Chicago was going to try and open for business this afternoon but I want to shout "Why?" Who is thinking about shopping at a major department store after a storm like this? What is so important that it can't be waited to be purchased until the roads clear?

A news person told everyone that was staying home from work today to stay inside and enjoy their families and all I can say to that is a huge "AMEN!" It is so sad that it takes a major storm to give people an opportunity to have a bit of time off and to spend some of it with their families being grateful that they are all safe and sound from the raging elements outside.

I was gleeful at the prospect of three whole days off. But my glee has turned a little bit sour at this point. The boys are off sledding and bowling while I am catching up on laundry and dirty dishes. It makes me realize how much I desperately need a day off - really off from any family and domestic duties. I don't begrudge my sons the fun of a real snow day when they can go out and sled and hang out with friends at the bowling alley. That is part of what a snow day is all about. But I do feel a bit bad that in order for me to claim a real snow day that I'll have to bite the bullet and just stop taking care of all the household chores that seem to mount up no matter what size home you live in! I thought living in a smaller space would mean less to do but it seems as though I'm just as busy as always.

I am reading Edith Wharton's "The House of Mirth" and can't wait for a moment to dive into it again. Am also knitting a very long scarf (over 160 inches long - it is kind of a joke) and want to just sit down and read and knit. The reasons I go off to Sam's once in awhile is because it seems as though the only times I can end up reading, baking or knitting are when I'm away from my home. Because as long as I am here, I'll find more than enough to do and no knitting, reading, or baking will ever get done!

So we all survived another major Midwestern/Chicagoland storm without too much stress or strain!

Janurary Goodbye

This weekend, it was finally warm enough to take a wintry walk in my beloved little forest preserve. But now we're back to a winter blizzard warning to hit Tue.-Wed. I am surprised at how quickly the month of January went by. And for that I am grateful. January has long been my most dreaded month what with the cold and snow. The bed is extra large and lonely. It is dark early and dark upon awakening. It is the month that the pain of widowhood hits me harder, the month I feel most drained, discouraged and down. I hate the extra worry and anxiety about driving in wintry weather and now have to worry about teens driving too on icy covered roads. Although I love knitting scarves, I don't much like having to always bundle up. Winter adds too much to my already full plate and with the arrival of spring, there is such relief in having to "carry" less around. This is the season when I so much miss a partner available to help clean off the cars or run out in the snow for the needed milk...

I am aware that the month went by more quickly on account of my father's death and my son's involvement with the state talent contest. Maybe those were small blessings in disguise - despite the stress, those distractions that helped me focus on other things besides widowhood, January, winter and the blasted cold weather.

There is a sense of relief in closing the door on January and opening it into February, even though it is coming charging in and may be the biggest storm in the past decade. I made it through the cruelest month!

Laundry Stacked to the Sky

Dialogue from "To Have and to Hold" by Jane Green:

"I feel so happy that I don't have to go into Manhattan anymore and stand next to Joe making boring small talk with the boring wife of one of his clients, and then five minutes later I'm terrified. I can't believe that I'm going to be a divorcee, that I'm never going to wake up and see Joe lying next to me. THAT THERE ISN'T ANYONE TO STAND UP FOR ME, OR STEP IN FOR ME, OR TAKE OVER WHEN THINGS GET TOO DIFFICULT."

"I know," Emily says. "That's the bastard about being single. You have to do everything yourself. But on the plus side, you haven't got anyone telling you what to do. You can eat Ben & Jerry's for breakfast, lunch and supper if you want."

Alice snorts. "If you want what? If you want to grow into the size of a house?"

I am snorting too. I'm too tired, drained, discouraged and disillusioned most of the time to do anything fun for myself anyway. What is the point? I'd much rather be sharing life with a partner right now taking out the garbage on a shared basis than have a choice of whatever I want to eat.

This week I have to figure out how to get the van towed and looked at for a repair estimate. The sedan needs to be repaired as I have to drive my son to a talent competition at the end of the week about 300 miles away. Arrangements need to be completed for that - what my son will wear, etc. and plans for having a place to stay for my youngest while we're gone. I still need to figure out if we'll stay over in a hotel or make the trip in one day. Have to work Mon - Fri on my feet, the boys have finals this week, and I want to go through some of my father's things as his memorial service is on the 16th. Also need to figure out financial aid applications for my oldest - gosh, I hope that can be postponed to next week!

All of that and still I need to do laundry, make dinner, shop (although maybe this week we'll rely more on fast prepared options). How am I going to drop off the sedan and then get to work? I'm hoping the guys at the body shop will drive me but then there is the need for a ride back to the shop from work. It is too long a distance to walk.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with too many decisions to make and too much to do. Now is the time I could use that help Jane Green refers to - someone to step in for me to give me a hand.

The above photo is just one of the piles of laundry currently in our home. This is of the boys' clothing. We have another of towels, my stuff and a huge bag of white socks that I seem to never get to - it just stays in the closet. At $3.00 to do a load of wash, I ration it out, doing what has to be done. Then there is the issue of getting a chance to do the laundry anyway, as it seems whenever I go downstairs both machines are occupied. In my home, I had a super capacity washer and dryer - these machines don't allow me to fill them with half of what I'm used to.

Today, I've managed to get two loads done despite having to wait until late afternoon for a free machine. I plan on doing another load so the laundry basket stacked up halfway along the wall and pictured above will be greatly reduced.

And with that I sign off. It is so cold and dark and I am tired and just want a day where there isn't so much to do, plan, think about and decide by myself.

Nature Resting

I finally got to take a walk a few days back and was surprised at how barren and drab the landscape in my little forest preserve had become. It made me reflect upon nature taking a break or nap for the next few months. I shifted that focus to me and my need to be like nature in winter and take some time off too from grief and all this self-processing. It is okay to take a vacation now and then and just be without trying to overcome, grow or self-actualize. We're not machines. Our minds, bodies and spirits need rest and rejuvenation.

I never would have imagined the amount of "work" that goes into coping with a major loss and then the aftermath of going on solo before my husband died. It is a very depleting and exhausting process - one that seems never ending. But I want to take a cue from nature here and spend the next few months restoring my soul - hard when it is so cold out there now. But I need some TLC, not harsh resolutions to start out the new year.

I don't understand anymore how people can go from feasting and merriment one day to the Slim Fast or Special K diet the next. There needs to be a gradual shift from one mind set to the next in order for say, a diet to be successful. On that note, here are my goals for January. I've decided to go for monthly goals instead of resolutions this year.

1. Reduce/delete the emails in my in box. Yesterday I had 5044. That is not a typo. Today I am down to 4300. By month's end it would be wonderful to be left with only 100! We'll see. I have a hard time letting anything go (relationships, possessions, read text messages, memorabilia) - pretty much everything and it got worse when my husband died, hence the great difficulty in having to clear out those storage sheds.

2. Eat better in general. No specific diet. Just watch what I eat more carefully.

3. Try not to leave any dirty dishes in the sink overnight.

4. Put my keys and glasses in the same place so I don't have to run around like a raving banshee two or three times a day trying to locate them.

5. I have a bookshelf filled with old craft magazines. It looks messy. I just want to go through the magazines and get rid of them (donate or recycle) so by the end of January the bookshelf looks attractive and not a mess.

That's it for now. Too many goals doesn't seem like a good idea - too overwhelming. I'm starting out slow and can always add if I complete one before the end of the month. Accomplishing the dishes and being able to find car keys and glasses alone will be a huge improvement in reducing the stress in my life.

11 Things that are Tolerable About Winter:

1. I do like wearing scarves and gloves (the brighter the color combinations the better).

2. Winter food like casseroles, hot chocolate and soup are good.

3. It is enjoyable to bake bread and other goodies.

4. Wearing a coat helps cover any pounds that may creep up from eating casseroles.

5. Fires in fireplaces are nice to snuggle up in front of.

6. I could live in flannel p.j.s all day.

7. It is lovely to sleep under lots of covers and still not be too warm.

8. Because the days are shorter there is more of an excuse to go to bed earlier with a good book, under warm covers in flannel p.j.s drinking a cup of hot chocolate.

9. Warm wool socks and sweaters are great to wear.

10. Nothing says warmth and coziness like a hand knit afghan. Knitting is always better in winter.

11. Snowmen are cute!

Yearlong Starbucks Fast Finally Broken!

My oldest forgot his lunch again this morning so I trudged over in the darned cold and could not resist taking a photo of the other "forgotten" lunches awaiting student pickup. This was less than the load that was out on Friday! My son is a good kid. He starts his new job after school. It's the week before Christmas Break and the kids are preoccupied. I'm not going to bash him for being an 18-year-old with a lot on his plate and make him suffer the consequences by having to forage amongst his friends for something to eat. He was voted out of this year's graduating class as:
1. Best Musician (Boy am I proud of him for this!)
2. Most Flirtatious (Even though he has had the same girlfriend for two years!)
3. Biggest Spaz (Whatever that is - I guess it means forgetful!)

The winter storm that hit us brought less snow than expected but bitter chill. Minnesota and Indiana have been really pummeled. But still, the cold these last few years has been hard for me to bear. Winter brings with it a whole lot of other and extra widowhood issues for me. But let's not dwell on that right now. Life is looking up.

It was a super busy weekend with the party on Friday night, taking my son to get his senior yearbook photo taken on Saturday, attending a "Christmas store" held in the community where parents could shop for low cost gifts for their children, choosing two per child and then the holiday concert extravaganza which historically lasts ALL afternoon at the high school, since all the music groups perform. This year they split the concert into two and my son had the later concert performance time. But my girlfriend wanted to see some of her students perform in the first concert (she teaches at the school) so I agreed to go to the earlier concert with her. So I was listening to holiday music from 1:00 in the afternoon until 5:30!

Thank goodness they split the concert into two, which should have been done years ago in my opinion. There wouldn't be enough seats for older folks, people would be reading the paper for the groups their kids weren't in and there was no available parking. This year was bad enough with the stormy weather - on Sunday there were wind gusts blowing snow of 40 mph!

Overall, despite the busyness, it was a good weekend. I was thankful that the yearbook photo was over since my son was so stressed out about it. He kept having me reschedule the appt. because of his minor acne even though I assured him that his photo would be retouched. Then I was able to get stocking stuffers and two gifts for each son for under $20.00 at the "Christmas store." AND my year long Starbucks fast was finally broken! My girlfriend treated me to a venti tea and peppermint brownie after the first holiday concert and it was heavenly!

I started my "fake" part-time job at the restaurant yesterday. It pays weekly and allows me more time to be around for the boys and to look for a "real" job in my field. I'll start up the search again full force after the holidays if the social services case mgt. position I interviewed for last week isn't offered to me. With this job there will be enough for groceries at least and that is a huge blessing! And it is way less work than that awful CNA job but I am the oldest employee there (think college kids with odd degrees that can't find work) and that is a little strange for me. I feel out of my element but am trying to bite the bullet and do what has to be done. Though let me tell you, sometimes that is way easier said then done!

Well, that's a recap of the past few days. I am so grateful the boys will have a modest Christmas. It is so much better than having nothing at all. Everyone seems to be in more hopeful and positive spirits. We still all have our moments - it remains hard at times. But there is food in the pantry, I've made some new friends, my son is graduating with wonderful memories and a solid athletic, musical, social and academic foundation behind him, relations between my family members have improved, I've still managed to maintain a long distance relationship with Sam despite numerous obstacles and the new year ahead seems brighter! And I've realized you can manage to survive without a Starbucks for over a year and still come out okay. In fact, maybe you come out ahead in the end, because that tea and brownie were so much more savored and truly appreciated compared to the days just three years ago when a weekly Starbucks visit was a routine part of my life.

Cookies, Donuts and Other Ramblings

Today was a rough start to the day. The van had trouble starting, my youngest kept imploring that he had to get to school earlier than usual, and the van needed to be scraped. In all the hustle and bustle, my oldest left the lunch I made for him at home and sent me a text which said if I couldn't drop it off at school he'd "find" food. But good mom that I try to be I dropped it off at 10 a.m. It was amusing for me to see that there were about 20 other lunch bags sitting on the counter in the office, and the secretary told me it had been a bad day for kids forgetting their lunches. So I got a hearty laugh out of that. Still, the incident took a little bit more out of me. Always doing, always running. Little time for rest or restoration. Pulling up the slack when it is needed like when kids forget their lunches. Busy mornings happen to us all. Today was one of ours. But sometimes I just want someone to do something for me. Just pick up the slack for me once in awhile, especially when I'm feeling drained and weary - and I might add a little grumpy too.

Which brings me to the topic of cookies. I was given a Christmas gift that is made up of cookie baking items; flour, sugar, sprinkles, vanilla and the like. This person meant very well and was so excited to give me an opportunity "to bake Christmas memories with my sons!" I hate what I am going to end up saying here but I don't want to make any cookies right now. I have all this stuff in my pantry already and am too tired to mess up the kitchen any more than the messiness it already exhibits.

Any task that involves extra work or steps right now is a total turn-off to me. I wish someone would just give me some cookies. I don't want to have to go through the process of making them. It is kind of like being given a bunch of yarn and told to knit your own scarf. I know not exactly the same but similar to how I feel about this. I need more relaxation and simplicity in my life right now and already made is just fine in my book! Personally, for me, standing at the stove making sure the cookies don't burn and putting them in the oven at 10-minute intervals is way more stressful and far more relaxing to me is the image of opening a box of holiday themed cookies and sitting down with one with a cup of tea.

I wonder if I could pass on this bounty to my son's girlfriend with the instructions that the two of them spend some time in the kitchen baking me a batch of cookies that they can then give to my as my gift! Now there is a thought! Let the young folk enjoy baking since they haven't been doing much of it in their lives yet, and leave the tired, drained moms out of it.

On another note, the nice knitting friend I've made emailed last night to see how I've been and to ask if I am going to start taking some Library Assistant classes. She told me it is one of the best things she has ever done and wanted to encourage me to consider it. She totally understood my reasoning and hesitation for not wanting to start the group in December. I was reminded again of how we "think" in similar ways when she wrote about taking a knitting class to learn a new technique. She said it was one of her New Year's resolutions and that she only believes in making resolutions that involve new learning or exploring. No forbidden eating or restrictive diets for her! And I totally agree with that. Resolve to do new things, take chances, explore different possibilities rather restricting yourself and telling yourself what you can't do. Then punishing yourself when you fail besides. For years one of my ongoing resolutions has been to teach myself how to juggle. This past year, one of my resolutions was to make donuts (not cookies) because I've never made them and wanted the challenge. I have failed to fulfill these resolutions. Maybe when I get away for a few days over the holidays I'll bring my How to Juggle kit with me and Sam's son and I will spend some time trying to learn - he might enjoy that. As for the donuts, a deep fryer and a waffle maker remain on my wish list. I could try frying the donuts in a pan. What the heck? I'll add that to the possible ideas of what to do on a cold, winter day for cheap entertainment. Maybe some of that flour and sugar will get turned into donuts!

Chilly Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Winter again. It is so cold out there. Over the weekend, it snowed but I didn't scrape my car off until this morning - we all drove the van, and it took me almost an hour to do so since the ice was frozen on under a layer of snow. Winter has become my season of dread because it involves having to do more - check the weather, warm up the vehicles, scrape them off, wear more layers and boots... All these other extra steps to add to my already overburdened shoulders.

I had to go out to an appointment that led me through a strip mall. I noticed a number of elderly men dropping off their wives at the doors of various stores. It made me think back to the days when my husband scraped the cars and filled them with gas. Such a blessing when there was another pair of hands to assist with chores and duties. I went on thinking that I sure hope these women realize how nice it is to get dropped off in front of a door, to have someone pay you attention with kind, meaningful gestures that make a task or duty a little easier. I always say that if I am fortunate enough to remarry and live with a husband again, I will be way more thankful for gestures such as this than I was with my husband. I pretty much took his filling the tanks for granted.

I feel in general that all of us need to be more kind, gentle and tolerant of others. We seem to be so quick to snap to judgments and to be right. I hope these women are kind and caring wives at home. Carolyn Myss suggests that when we are ready to criticize someone, that we take those words and turn them on ourselves - try them on for size so to speak. Then after saying them to ourselves, we need to see how we feel. Chances are the criticism we're dishing out doesn't feel so hot. She then advises that we modify our words to be more gentle and less harsh. I really like this idea. To take a moment and step back and think about our words before delivering them. I know it is sometimes easier said - when we're angry or upset words tend to fly out pretty quickly. But with practice, change becomes easier. Just having this idea in my head will help me the next time I am ready to fling some words that would probably be better not spoken. I have a plan in place to step back and reflect. If I don't like hearing the words/advice/criticism I'm giving out if it is directed at myself and it is hurtful, why would I want to pass that on?

Step back for a moment and listen to the words being stated with your head. There is then time to modify those words with kindness from the heart.

Old Man Winter Blues

It was just so cold yesterday when I went out in the morning to face the blowing snow to clean off the van so I could take the boys to school. Instead of feeling energized and uplifted after surviving the record-breaking snowfall, I felt dispirited and defeated. What did it matter? So I got through one storm. Now there was the bitter cold to face. And some more snow on the way besides.

I know the Eastern coast has been hit harder than the Midwest. Others are out there battling the elements along with me. I'm not the only one struggling, nor am I the only widowed mom. But there are fewer of us and it is harder for us - those of us alone.

An unusual small scale earthquake hit Illinois, near the Chicago area yesterday. I watched the news reports of witness accounts. The men and woman would say things like, "My husband woke me up" or "We felt the bed shake." All of them seemed to have references to a partner who was there with them, there in bed with them.

That's kind of the downer about this whole winter weather scene. Now is the time when snuggling and cuddling are the most useful and restorative. This is the time when we give extra thanks for the warm body next to us providing heat and comfort. And yes, even protection from threats such as intruders breaking in, which is what one woman thought was happening when the earthquake stuck at 3:59 a.m.

I come in out of the cold needing to feel safe and warm. And while my body temperature rises, I think a part of me deep inside continues to remain frozen. Like that little bit in the middle of a chicken breast being thawed. It stubbornly refuses to thaw and I always end up impatiently tossing it into the oven anyway. It is not enough to lie in that queen or king size bed. When you're lying there alone and you don't want to be, the wide expanse of extra space is mean and mocking. Yes, you're warm and maybe even cozy and comfortable. But that part of your heart that yearns for companionship, conversation, sex, love and nurturing remains as empty as the space formally occupied by a loving partner.

Chilled to the bone on so many levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally.

Today I am grateful:

1. For seeing the sliver of sun just above the horizon as I dropped the boys off at school.
2. For seeing the reflection of that sun in the windows of a home.
3. For seeing the sun seem to rise out of nowhere within minutes and cast its glowing warmth over the cold morning.
4. That it wasn't too difficult scraping off the van's windows this morning.
5. For protection against the harsh winter elements.

Weary Winter Widowhood

We are under a winter storm advisory for the next 40 hours! This morning wasn't too bad dropping the boys off at school, although there was an accident near the high school. There always seem to be those on days like this. Poor, inexperienced teen drivers going off the road and hitting the signs of businesses. This car's whole front end was crushed.

As I was driving with the snow coming down I thought about how these winter storms are similar to widowhood. The first time one hits in late November or early December, there is a sense of resolve and strength is facing the novelty of it. Getting through it one thinks, "Now that wasn't so bad. I did it. We made it through!" But by the time you're on the fourth or fifth snowstorm, some of that optimism and courage has faded. "Not this again! I can't bear another one of these. When will spring be here?"

Another factor in battling the storm of widowhood is that one has to face the challenging elements on one's own, when in the past they were faced with a partner. Then, to top that off the widowed are in various stages of grieving. So add into the mix having to cope and carry on while being depressed and/or hopeless. We're tired and not thinking too clearly, yet we're plunged into a situation where we need to remain alert and exert ourselves physically. No wonder as the weeks go by we become even more depleted while those around us expect us to be stronger!

Having to keep running on empty is a good description here. The novelty has definitely worn off.

The untouched will come back with wisdom such as "Hang in there. Spring is coming. It is just around the corner." But the snow falling just seems to represent more of an avalanche to me. I feel like I am being buried alive. I've been through a number of winters and springs now. Yes, the spring returns but eventually so do the snowstorms. This is becoming more depressing than I'd thought it would. Sorry for the discouraging imagery.

I tried to plan for this winter onslaught by doing my running around yesterday. The nursing home facility I visited and applied at actually expressed some interest in hiring me. But the big boss wasn't there so they couldn't make an offer. I knew that I'd be cooped up inside today and have given myself permission to take some time off to knit a heart as a decoration for the door. I will bake a chocolate chip coffee cake for the boys. Tonight I am making a dinner I always make on snow days. Pure comfort food and it will use those 99 cent chicken cutlets I just bought. You mix a box of Stove Top Stuffing with the turkey or chicken, add sour cream, a can of cream of chicken soup and some frozen vegetables. Bake at 350 - the recipe can be located at Stove Top's web site. It also used to be on the back of the box but since I am only buying off-brand items these days I'm not sure if it is still there!

I am making this dish for myself since the boys aren't that fond of it. It is comfort food I enjoy. I am giving myself some scheduled time off today to knit because I know I am depleted, tired and have reached a point where the snowstorms are making me a little stir crazy! I suppose that is the moral of this winter tale. We have no choice but to face the snow falling. Spring is still pretty far off in the distance. Until it arrives, it is up to us to carve out little pockets of thaw in our lives in whatever ways we can. For me, that involves cooking, baking, food, reading and knitting.
For all of those who are facing winter snowstorms that were never predicted and blew into your life with such force and intensity you were knocked off your feet, you have my sympathy and compassion as we all pick up our snow shovels to face the blinding winds yet another time!

Today I am grateful:

1. For snow plows.
2. For meteorologists.
3. For the National Weather Service.
4. For weather predictions so accurate they can advise you when the first flakes will actually start falling.
5. For instant stuffing mix and all other convenience foods someone had to invent way back that do make our lives easier.