Security

I was at Barnes and Noble last week for a browse (can't buy anything there when there is a half-price book store down the street) and flipped through "Throw Out Fifty Things: Clear the Clutter, Find Your Life" by Gail Blanke. There was a chapter that caught my attention titled "Letting Go of Needing to Feel Secure." Really, I mused. What's so wrong with wanting to feel secure? Isn't it an almost instinctive quality within us?

Think about how some have been told to marry for security over love. Or even my parents urging me to change my college major from Music Therapy to basically anything else because they didn't think I'd find a job. Or if I did, it wouldn't pay the rent.

After losing my home, which provied me a tremenous amount of security and a sense of identity along with two husbands (ditto the security and identity) I think it would be questionable if I just threw up my hands and said, "Let life take me where it will. I'm ready for the ride!"

Somehow these losses have made me less open to the randomness of the future. I want to feel some level of security within my life be it a strong, loving relationship. solid home around me or decent job in which I feel valued and productive. I think when these things are lacking it is very difficult to feel content and "happy" in one's life. I guess I believe that there has to be a certain level of stability surrounding someone or all bets are off for personal happiness.

Maybe it is easier for people who have a decent level of structure and security already existing as a foundation to throw more caution to the wind. But I believe when your foundation has been shaken and you have lost what has been of value to you, that there is no harm in seeking what makes you feel secure. I am finding that as I continue this widowhood path, the more I seem to disagree with all the advice, like this, out there. I'm finding it all doesn't pass muster with what I have felt and experienced. As for this advice, no way am I going to give up on my search for attaining more security in my life.

Shot of Reality

Oh my gosh! I've just spent the last hour reading countless AOL comments in regard to a piece written by a single woman in her 40s who has been out of work for two years. She wrote about feeling invisible and having no available services/resources ending up selling EVERYTHING. There were 30 pages of comments! Most were sympathetic. Many spoke about being in the same situation. A few stuck out with criticisms - take a job, any job; go back to school; why don't you volunteer?; get over your pity party... Most of the sympathetic understand that those of us unemployed would take ANY job but none are being offered us; they know that to go back to school takes money; volunteering might not be possible because it involves gas, etc.; and I won't even get into the pity party finger pointing.

I stopped reading the comments after about 15 pages. I couldn't stand anymore. There are so many others out there suffering and worried and anxious just like I am. I'm not the only one who has lost a home and pawned all my jewelry. At least I still have clothes and my books! Many who commented are my age and spoke about ageism that is alive and kicking in our country. In general, however, most people were kind and supportive and tried to encourage this woman.

I do live in kind of a cocoon. At times I do feel as though I am the only one out there having a tough time. Tonight my eyes were opened a little wider and I have a less negative image of myself. There are sure a lot of 50ish folks out there having to start over with nothing. I am not really alone. Hearing about and knowing other people's problems doesn't make me happy but it did make me more aware of what is going on beyond my own little world.

I think we are in trouble nationally and need to address the issues of increasing employment opportunities, especially for those in my age group. Health insurance still is up in the air. The housing issue remains a mess. No one can survive adequately on minimum wage. I hope this blog increases people's awareness of those struggling as this woman's article did. Some people who are out of the loop thanked her for her honesty. What we really need is more kindness and understanding and not judgmental criticism. If you aren't walking in these shoes, you really don't know. Tonight my oldest came home from Show Choir practice complaining of being hungry, adding, "I'm always hungry." Sometimes I wake up hungry too. He settled for a leftover bowl of 4-Bean Chili (the pot of chili that never ends) over spaghetti but thankfully I replenished our cheese supply, getting a block of cheddar to grate myself and save $1.20.

My prayers are increasing and going beyond myself to the countless others both better and worse than myself who are struggling in some way. Please pray for stability, healing and prosperity for all. During this season of giving, I feel as though some are choosing to forget about the hardships still existing for so many.

America's Got Talent

I continue this blog for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it is a way for me to grapple with and come to terms with my feelings. Sometimes I'm not clear about what I feel and setting out my quandries here, is a way to gain perspective. Secondly, this blog allows me to obtain the feedback of others and to interact with other interesting, intelligent people. There is a lot to be said for that. Maybe the most important reason for blogging is the hope that in my doing so, I increase or broaden the perspectives of others, be they widowed or not. This blog has kind of moved beyond the topic of grief to encompass adversity in general. I hope that in sharing my feelings, a greater understanding of what it is like to live under trying circumstances is reached. And one of my main goals is to illustrate the life of a person affected by multiple losses since that is not often discussed. Maybe in trying to deal with my life, I'll end up helping others in some, small way.

I've been giving a great deal of thought to the issue of unfairness of late. No doubt triggered by being around all the families at the baseball fields. We live in a town of higher than average income. For instance, I know of no one who has "lost" their home and had to move to an apartment. I know one family that has struggled to hang on to their home with the mortgage crisis with Countrywide and two who sold their mini mansions to move to smaller homes. So I do struggle with this issue because along with feeling alone and isolated because of widowhood and not having much of a support network, I also feel the stigma of being the only one to have lost my home. Now of course I know there have to be some folks in my community who have indeed lost their homes. But when you don't know of any, that is not much help or consolation.

I asked my girlfriend about all of this as it has been troubling me so. She agreed that the parents and families she knows have been pretty much spared hardship from the recession, etc. She attributes it to the fact that the circles we are involved with, or our kids are involved with, are simply made up of higher income people who can afford travel baseball. We're not around struggling people, therefore, we don't know of anyone dealing with severe crisis. And while I do know that people don't air their dirty laundry, it is not the same for a married mom of two to be caring for aging parents when she has a husband to lean on and rely on vs. my situation when I was involved in the same activity as a widowed mom of two young sons.

Part of my frustration could be labeled the "America's Got Talent" syndrome. I've never seen the show before this year - I guess last summer I was too busy packing up the house for our move. But the boys and I have watched it when we haven't been at baseball games. The whole concept of the show has really been bothering me. If you haven't seen it, it it a huge nationwide talent show in which adults and kids can pretty much compete with whatever talent they have. So you have singers, dancers and fire blazing magicians competing alongside others hand whistling and playing the harmonica. There are five year olds and 75 year olds! It is kind of a crazy, hodge podge mess!

What bothers me is that I don't think you can fairly judge apples to oranges. I want all the singers to be in their own competition and then even separated by those who compose their own songs vs. those who sing Fleetwood Mac. I want a junior vs. adult competition. I want the dancers to all perform in a sole dance show. How can you fairly compare a harmonica player with a hand whistler? Before this show I didn't even know hand whistling existed! Maybe the point is that you just can't compare such diverse people, talents, ages and acts. In the end, popularity and the performers who fit into the mainstream will be the ones who come out ahead.

Anyway, back to my own musing. I really get that EVERYONE our there is dealing with their own troubles. But what I struggle with is that all troubles are not created equal. Just as all talent isn't either. There are greater losses than others and some of us have had to face more than our share. That is my point. I won't dwell on it. But I did want to try and clarify my view on this topic.

So in the end what does this all mean for me? I guess I just want a bit of compassion expressed to those of us facing a significant amount of adversity. For others not to immediately jump in and chime "But everyone has problems." And I suppose I'm still trying to come up with helpful solutions to my own situation. How can those of us really struggling have an easier time of it? Where can we turn for more support? How can we learn to balance our problems with hope? For those of us with multiple losses, we're already tired and bogged down from having had to face numerous struggles. So it is a double whammy of dealing with loss and stress such as moving from a home, while facing adversity such as financial hardship. A mixture of grief, stress and anxiety all in one! No wonder the young woman who left home at 16 and was in foster care moved on in the AGT competition. Her story touched at the heartstrings of America even if she sang slightly offtune.

Cobwebs From the Past

I am having a terrible time at it with the storage sheds. The work is tedious and overwhelming me. I feel buried by junk - buried by death. All the stuff just represents dead objects and what is no more. Yesterday, at the shed I ran into my old Avon lady and she and I hugged and caught up as I haven't talked with her since my move. She related feeling exactly as I have expressed - feelings of anxiety, being overwhelmed and as if she is going to have a panic attack. Her plan is also to condolidate stuff from multiple sheds into one unit - to go through stuff and get rid of the excess. She mentioned having a garage sale and I asked her to call me so I might add some things. But it is very difficult just getting through the sheds. The extra cash I might get at a sale would be nice but to be realistic, I don't have the time, energy or orgainizational skills to really try and sell the stuff. The tax donation credit I take is substantial - but to take it I end up documenting EVERYTHING I donate and you know what that means - it is just more work.

Speaking of work that is all I seem to have done since my husband got sick. Spent years taking care of him and his needs. Parenting the boys, helping my folks, even helping out Sam with his move out-of-state! This storage shed job just seems like another thorn in my side. A job that never gets done. It fits in with my observation that there is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes after a spouse dies. Everyone thinks that after a few months of grieving that one should be back on their feet. But even years after the death there is work and stuff to get through, especially if it involves moving or downsizing.

I hate being told that I should just start hauling boxes to the dumpster without even looking in them to dispose of them. These are my possessions and belongings and I deserve to at least sort through them to retain sentimental items. It is just such darn hard and draining work, physically and emotionally. I didn't think it was going to be this bad. So far, I have "downsized" my storage twice so this is the third time. The first was right after the move in October. Then March-May of this year. I am still tired from the last time.

Tried sorting through things while moving from one shed to the other but that is too time consuming and I get off track. I need to move the stuff to save the money and then concentrate on weeding through, sorting and disposing of.

The last years of my life have brought with them more hardship than joy and somehow I see and feel all of that hardship within this storage shed job. Just looking at, touching, moving, constantly thinking about and being surrounded by old junk in a storage shed I'm paying dearly for is enough to make me want to collapse in frustration and fatigue. Oftentimes while I'm working at the shed I just call out in anguish that I can't take it anymore.

My Avon lady commented that it must have been a hard adjustment to have moved from my 2,500 square foot, five-bedroom home to an apartment less than half that size. Yes, it has been. And now I am left with the final job of trying to pare down from one life to this new one. There is only so much time and energy, especially as a widowed mom. I can only take so much, my personal resources only go so far.

I hope this is the final leg of this journey. It has been hot and rainy. I am irritable and angry, cross and blue. This is not an uplifting and joyful process. I wish I could feel motivated and strong that I am accomplishing something for my betterment. But I just feel so bogged down - the work is so exhausting that negativity outweighs the good coming out of this project. This is like extra work on top of all the extra work that has piled up as a result of widowhood. I'm so tired of all of this. I want to be taking a walk and admiring daylilly flowers not sweating and getting dirty in a miserable, dark, smelly storage unit. I've had enough of all this tiring crap. I want more joy and laughter. More sunshine and uncluttered surfaces. More hope and less despair. When I'm working in the shed that is what surrounds me - the overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness. It is time to come into the light and to become more free and less tied down to all that is old, outdated, worn out and past its prime.

Please give me the strength to carry on with this job. If I had the money to spare I'd be tempted to throw in the towel and try to do this at a less ambitious pace. But financially I can't swing the cost of these two units anymore. I pray for the resolve to carry me through the next few days. I pray for a rainbow among the clouds with all this rain. I pray for my sanity and for my back to not break under this load. I pray for lightness of spirit and for me to not be so critical of myself as I try to tackle a job most people are spared from having to face on their own. I have to say that I was a tiny bit annoyed as my Avon lady went through her rundown of feelings AS HER HUSBAND STOOD BY HER SIDE. I was glad to know I am not the only one feeling overwhelmed and overworked with this job. But it was a stab in the back to be reminded of how challenging it is to continually face this kind of stuff on my own when the majority have a spouse or family to count on to some degree.

Purguing Out the Old

This afternoon I got rid of some heavy pieces of furniture in one of two of the storage sheds. Tomorrow the smaller shed will be cleared out and I'll be saving almost $200.00 monthly that can go toward clothing and items for the boys.

I'm feeling bittersweet about the clean-out. I called a local resale shop to inquire if they'd come to the shed to pick up the items and they did. I am grateful because without a strong guy/husband around it is hard for me to lift and move big, bulky objects. And there is just no room in the apartment for all the furniture I used to have in my home.

They took the large pine chest of drawers with mirror that used to be in my master bedroom. Then the headboard for the bed I spent months choosing when I first got married. It was between an all-white cottage bedroom or a more rustic, cabin-lodge feel room. I ended up choosing the later and the headboard was made out of actual logs. The woman from the resale shop really liked it. But it pulled at my heartstrings a little to let it go. A memory of the life I once shared with my husband when my family and I were intact in our nice, spacious, five-bedroom cabin-like home. When I got remarried I purchased a new bed, in fact, an inexpensive bedroom set to celebrate my new life and new beginnings. I'd hoped to use the log headboard at a second home if we got a little cabin on a lake in our retirement...

Also going - the boys' youth firetruck beds. Adorable beds in the shape of firetrucks and actually pretty realistic. I asked the boys if they wanted to keep them for the future but they weren't interested. They're awfully cute and I hope some lucky little boys will enjoy them in the future.

The nice lady from the resale shop walked around my shed and picked at the remaining items. She said she'd take anything there and got some birdhouses and seasonal wreaths. I told her I'd bring over my old Halloween and Christmas outdoor decorations over the summer. It was good to know that I did have some nice furniture and decorations. I'm trying to psyche myself up that it is better to pass these things on where they'll be put to use now and enjoyed vs. being hidden away in a mice-infested storage shed.

I regret giving away my nice green glass-fronted kitchen cabinet - it was so cute. But again, there is no room for it in the apartment and I can't just keep storing everything away for the future, whenever and wherever that may be.

I'm telling myself that releasing these items allows new items (maybe even better) to enter my life. It will be best to purchase a new bed when I start living at a new place and hopefully when I start sleeping on a regular basis with a partner again! I can always get a new curio cabinet to display my pretties and it will be fun to search for a different style that may fit better in a new home. As for the firetruck beds, maybe my sons will end up only having daughters who'll only want princess theme bedrooms!

Part of what I reflected on this afternoon was how hard it has been to lose my home (and possessions) after the death of my husband. His death involved the huge loss of my emotional and financial stability. The home then represented the very foundation of my life - all the safety and security from the ground up. Losing both has rocked my world literally from top to bottom, inside and out.

When One Door Closes...

When I was going through my divorce, I bought a lovely little necklace from the Signals catalog of a door. The door opened up to display the wording, "When one door closes, another one opens." These words were a powerful motivation for me during that cruelly trying time.

I reflect on those words now and this current topic. During the period of my divorce, I corresponded by email with a wonderful father of four living downstate, three hours away. He had total custody of his children and our relationship progressed to the point of interacting daily by email. We did talk occasionally on the phone and even met once. I considered him more of a good friend and he is the one person I can say really understood what my life of widowhood was like and being an only parent. We often commiserated and compared parenting notes. We had planned to meet again when he came to my area for a work seminar, but those plans fell through when his mother died.

I am sure our relationship would have deepened if we lived closer to one another. As it was, last summer when I was up to my eyeballs in trying to prepare my house to be sold and all of that, I decided to end our interaction, solely due to the distance between us. Sam was fully aware of my friendship and wasn't threatened. But for all involved, I felt it was time to let it go.

Early this year, I decided to check and see how my friend was doing. He got back to me with the news that he had remarried right around Valentine's Day. Wonderful news and lucky for him to have met a nice woman within that six month time period between when I'd last communicated with him (July). I will admit feeling a little envious and even some regret. The man I'd chosen to continue with in a relationship hadn't wanted the commitment of marriage. I questioned whether I'd picked the wrong guy. But no, I can't think like that - there was the distance factor and my resolve to have the boys finish high school where they are.

I have to console myself with the knowledge that there are men out there who want to get married. I was talking with my oldest today about dating and I mentioned that I don't feel I've been very lucky in/with love since the death of my spouse. My son said it is not so much that I haven't been lucky, just that I haven't had a relationship where the man lives in the same area.

Anyway, what really has given me solace are the words on that door necklace. I want to believe that perhaps I had something to do with my friend meeting his new wife. My letting go caused him to reach out, or get out there or do something different that resulted in his meeting her! Now that is pretty darn amazing. One door closed for my friend, but boy did it open! What a happy ending considering he had recently lost his home due to foreclosure. He told me that he and his new wife are buying an old five-bedroom farmhouse through a contract arrangement. I wonder if it is the farmhouse I saw for sale when I checked out real estate listings in his town, just for fun. I remember looking at that listing and thinking it would have been a good fit.

My friend is proof that you can survive foreclosure and divorce and move on to a new, hopeful and happy life. I want to believe that his story can be experienced by all of us and that someday I too may be able to joyfully speak of an opportunity for another chance at marriage and living in a home again.

The latest piece of motivational jewelery that I am interested in is from Jane Seymour's line at Kay Jewelers. They feature two open, intertwined hearts. Her inspiration for creating the line came from a saying of her mother's - that as long as you keep your heart open, love will find its way to you. I hope it finds a way back to my heart too.

Aftermath

I think I am mourning the loss of my home. I say "I think" because I don't know anymore where the hell I am on this grief continuum. All the losses of the past six years are all bunched up into one big ball anyway. They all connect back to the death of my husband. I can't seem to separate one from the other.

It has only been five months since we sold the house and moved. Just five months that now feel like an eternity. The whole summer was spent cleaning and selling the home. Then, when it was sold, I literally on my own moved from a five-bedroom home into a two-bedroom space. I am down to one and a half storage units now housing the overflow which includes stuff I never had the time to get through when my mom died and my parent's house was sold, in 10/2007!

I was way too busy to think, much less grieve or process what moving would mean back in the summer. Now that I have some perspective with the passing of time, I look back with amazement that I was able to accomplish the feat of moving largely on my own. Sam was there during the actual 2-day move with the movers and he helped me a little with cleaning out the garage which ended up taking two long weeks. But there I was, a widowed overwrought mom, being forced to sell her home, working odd hours at the big box store, making sure teen boys got to their summer baseball games and accomplishing a major move on my own. The people in my world shrugged their shoulders and matter-of-factly went on with their lives, while mine was falling apart at the seams - literally.

And now here I am trying to cope with the aftermath. From this view I have tremendous admiration for what I accomplished over the summer. This was a big house and it had been pretty disorganized and messy from the years of my husband's illness and then my stint as an only parent. But there is also pent-up anger for this crazy world I inhabit that is so lacking in support, be it emotional or with helping with physical tasks. I can't quite put my finger on it to describe it properly. But it is this sense I get from others that my losses aren't really such a big deal, that they don't matter or count.

Well, let me set the record straight - losing my home was a tremendous loss and I am reeling from it five months later. But I don't know how to grieve this or where to go from here. Even Sam gives me that pat answer when I try and relate to him how much of a loss this is to me. You know the one - "You lost your home, it is over, now you have to get over it and move on..." I've asked him to stop reading this blog because he gets upset with me for getting too down, or feeling low and grieving too much. You know the drill. I'm sure you have heard all of that before too.

The thing is though, that this is a new loss. It is one slamming into me after a slew of others. Am I really supposed to be jumping cartwheels down the street and gleefully shouting, "I just lost my house five months ago!" Really, what do people expect? This is a major loss, although it is secondary to the death of my husband six years ago. That passage of time just keeps biting me in the backside. People think that because it has been awhile for me that I shouldn't be grieving at all, and I guess that includes the other losses that accumulated after my husband died.

There doesn't seem to be that much out there about handling and getting through secondary grief losses. Just that we need to acknowledge and grieve them individually. I think that some people view my ongoing grief as that for my husband and they think I am grieving too long. They don't know that the secondary losses along the way are part of the mix. And I've said this before, but in my case the pain I've experienced from these seemingly lesser losses has actually been harder for me to endure. Maybe it is because I'm more weary, have fewer resources, or am facing them without a spouse by my side. But these secondary challenges have been a chore to stare down in the eye.

Getting back to Sam, I just have felt that he has been critical and even holds what I post about against me. For example, he will remark that I seem more down when I am on the phone with him than how I seemed when I posted. Of course, none of our moods are stable. Maybe I was more upbeat or positive earlier in the day. And maybe my enthusiasm waned as the sun went down. I have felt I have had to defend myself and that is not what I want out of blogging. I surely do not want to say that my blog got between us!

I just read yesterday that the success of keeping a grief journal and I suppose blogging could fall under this category, is that it allows us to release toxic emotions. That then enables us to go on and face our days more productively. I will add that when I blog I take extreme care to be entirely honest and forthright. I present myself and whatever I feel at the time as it is for me. There is no hiding or sugarcoating.

So right now I am feeling some frustration with the pain that is haunting me based on losing my home. It is definitely not helping me to have excess time on my hands not working. I am going to reinvigorate my job-hunting focus - to step it up a notch. I am also going to devote more time and energy into clearing out the storage sheds. I need to keep busy and focused right now. And I am going to be kind to myself - really kind. And nurturing too. Maybe try and do some fun things just for me.

I am grateful:

1. For the return of McDonald's Shamrock Shakes.
2. That I have extra items to be able to donate to Goodwill.
3. For the great purse I bought some years back for $8.00 on sale, that I've used all winter. And I really was in need of one. It is a hand-knitted cable pattern design!
4. That I was able to get career counseling appts. on Tue. and Wed. I will get help with navigating the cyberworld which I am now floundering in.
5. For microwave popcorn.

Re-Gifting

We were fortunate to be able to have Christmas dinner with my close girlfriend and her family. We have been doing this a couple years now (since my Mom died) and we also celebrate together at the 4th of July. My brother who lives locally takes his vacation at Christmas so he is not in town. My sister and I have been at odds since my Mom's death. So, this dinner represents family and togetherness for us. My girlfriend is a teacher and has befriended a 74 semi-retired secretary at her school, R. This woman is estranged from family, lives alone and doesn't drive. She attends the Christmas dinner too.

I had to force myself the past two days to be cheerful and not morbidly depressed. Although that is how I felt inside. I didn't think I could ruin what little celebration the boys would have by my mood. Nor could I ruin my friend's kindness and her dinner. So I did my best to put on my game face and keep it on. I didn't put up any type of tree at the apartment because my massive collection of Christmas decorations are buried between two large storage sheds. When you already own so much it is hard to justify buying more, even when you can't dig them out of storage. So it was very nice to have such a pretty tree to gaze at and enjoy at my friend's home.

But it was painful to see the modest assortment of unwrapped gifts under the tree because we didn't have any this year. I saw a pile of those small cookbooks you can pick up at the grocery checkout line and asked my friend who was thoughtful enough to get her those. She admitted she had gotten them for her own stocking because she gets so tired of not having anything to open from it. I got a big kick out of this because in year's past I did the same thing for my stocking - the universal plight of the single or only parent!

It was snowing and very pretty outside but I kept remembering the Christmas Days of my past life (before husband's death - BHD) and the reality that if he were still living, we'd be at our own special and happy celebration. As nice as my friend's dinner was, I would have preferred my own with our individual and unique traditions.

I enjoyed talking to R. She and I have gotten to know each other a bit over the years. I gave my girlfriend a lovely soft and fuzzy scarf I knitted in shades of blue, her favorite color. Last year I made everyone at the dinner ski bands. BHD, I used to give such nice presents to the teachers, friends and family. And I baked masses of cookies and quick breads. It is humbling to be in a position where homemade gifts become the norm because of no other options. Although, I might consider re-gifting if I had anything to give.

My friend's annual gift to our family is a bag of soda, candy, popcorn and gift card for a video rental. She and her friend exchanged DVDs of their favorite old t.v. shows and my friend also got some Bath & Body Works lotions, a candle and ski band. My friend asked if the ski band came from a craft show since she likes to attend those. R. did not reply.

Our Christmas feast was traditional and with all the trimmings: turkey, potato (mashed and sweet), dressing, pear/cranberry/spinach salad, broccoli salad, cranberry, green bean casserole, corn, relish, rolls, cookies and homemade pumpkin pie. Since my friend is going out of town to visit her family, she gave us ALL the leftovers, which I am sure she had planned to do in advance. She was even kind enough to serve a bottle of Cabernet for me, my favorite.

We listened to Christmas music which I have heard very little of this season. My oldest left after pie to go back to his girlfriend's down the street. At 8:30, my friend took R. home but I stayed back just sitting in front of the tree and watching the snow fall from the picture window. It was hard being at my friend's home, which is a modest ranch. I felt sad with the realization that I no longer own my own home and that our life in now in a cramped and messy apartment because there isn't much storage space.

While my friend was out, I looked at the gifts she received and wanted to examine the ski band since I am a crafter. I looked at it closely and thought the pattern looked familiar. Upon closer inspection I realized that the band was one of the ones I'd made for my girlfriend and her family and R. last Christmas! Turns out the friend re-gifted my homemade gift back to my girlfriend this year! This realization was amusing but also a little sad. I suppose it made me think that people don't consider handmade gifts very valuable.

When my girlfriend returned she got a good chuckle over the re-gifting. Then we spent some quality time talking and listening to music. I looked at pictures of some guys she is communicating with at eHarmony and read their emails. Then we both admitted that throughout the evening both of us had had the thought that we do not want to end up like R. We don't want to be in the position of going to someone's home other than our families because there is no where else to go. To suspect that someone feels sorry for us.

R. got divorced in the 1960s, well before it became acceptable in society. Her husband had an affair and his mistress got pregnant. The baby was born on the same day as R.'s little girl. So R. raised two kids and worked as a secretary on her own. She was bitter about her husband's affair and divorce (rightly so). She never dated or remarried. I remember having similar thoughts about R. and her situation last year too. 50 years is a long time to go without sex or male companionship. I don't want that for my life. I have tremendous admiration for anyone raising kids on their own and working. It is very, very trying and tiring. But looking back on my own life, I am glad I still had the courage and strength to get myself back out there into the dating world after my husband died and even after the second one filed for divorce.

Despite the disaster of my second marriage, I have no regrets that I took another chance on love and went for it. I would rather be facing the consequences of that doomed relationship than to be living a safer and predictable life as R. chose. But I know and appreciate that everyone is different. What is right for me may not be for someone else. But I know that it is important for me to build and share a life with a significant other. And that I am extremely unfulfilled and empty living without a partner.

Here we were last night, three woman with different painful stories related to divorce and death of husbands. None of us had any clues when we first got married as to the final outcomes of those unions. It made me reflect on Sam who was not with us this Christmas like he was last year. The weather was just too risky for the drive and he only had Christmas day off and needed to be back at work today. Within this next week I have to make the decision as to whether to stick it out here for the sake of the boys finishing high school at their old school or go ahead with the move out-of-state and a quicker future with Sam. That will be the emphasis of my upcoming posts but for today I wanted one last entry about Christmas and to keep my depression and holiday blues at bay for a little longer.

And I had to share the story about the Christmas re-gifting! That ties right on in with my knitted oven mitt mitten! But if I can throw in my two cents here - I know after this I'll really think twice about ever re-gifting, even if that means all I can give is a handmade gift.

Hungry Holidays Ho Ho Ho

It was my son's 17th birthday this week. I was unable to get him anything. That fact has broken my heart. He asked me for $5.00 to add to the $5.00 he had so he could look for a winter coat at the Goodwill store. His search was unsuccessful. While we were snowbound at the new home, there was no school for three days and on Thur. we were all stir crazy. My oldest went with us to look for a coat at TJ Maxx. He found one for $40.00 and Sam got it for him along with some new headphones since his had broken. Then at Walmart, Sam got my son a Packers t-shirt to wear to tomorrow's game, and an inexpensive pair of gloves and hat. The night before Sam brought home an ice cream cake and treated the boys to Taco Bell. So I want to believe that my son had a birthday of sorts. He received a few things. Not much and some were necessities. It hurts the most that I was unable to shop and get him anything.

While we were at Walmart I found a decent looking jacket for only $7.00. I wanted my son to get it and then we'd return the $40.00 one from TJ Maxx. I truly thought it looked warm and sufficient. Sam agreed with my son that we should keep the more expensive one. I regretted that we'd gone to TJ Maxx first. If we'd gone to Walmart first my son would have probably been satisified with the jacket there. It kind of amazed me that I was in this Walmart (a store I rarely set foot in when my husband was alive), regretting the non-purchase of a $7.00 jacket! Who would ever have believed this would be my reality following my husband's death? Pinching and counting pennies out of necessity. Being unable to afford birthday or Christmas gifts for my sons.

I know this low point is just temporary. Once I start working life will improve. But while we're here it is such a low point to be. I feel dragged and sucked under the poverty, worry and anxiety. I am becoming obsessed with food again. I am not eating much, throwing whatever odds and ends can be put together and concentrating on feeding the boys. They seem to have stomachs that are bottomless. Everyone seems to be hungry. There is food at Sam's - nothing fancy but at least filling. I am here back at home for the weekend wishing I'd taken some from his home because our kitchen is bare. But the boys were so anxious to leave I didn't. I figured we could make it a couple days.

I have a vision of a Christmas tree just filled with food. Do you know the ones that they sometimes display hung with sugar cookies or gingerbread men? Two years ago I hung a tree in my kitchen just filled with gingerbread men. I used a glue gun to fasten red ribbon bows as hangers. It was very cute. Now I imagine a tree filled with ribboned chocolate covered pretzels. And those little chocolate ball and santa ornaments. And loads of sugar cookie angels and bells to keep company with the gingerbread men. I think I could be creative and come up with some other food items to hand up there too - candy canes, popcorn garlands...

My son told me today he feels down about not having any money to afford gifts for his friends. Last year I knit and crocheted some things for his then girlfriend - a pink scarf and ski band. I will offer to do that again. Maybe I can come up with something for his buddies - key chains or a wrist band. It is pretty lame I know. Needless to say I am not in much of a holiday mood and do not have much holiday cheer or spirit. I just want this absolute miserable year to be over - the year of my divorce and losing my home.

Tired Inside and Out

I am so tired - exhausted is probably the more apt word. This condensed CNA training has taken its toll - I'm not as young and energetic as I once was. I'm slowing down and it is harder for me to bounce back. Grief takes it out on us physically. After class today my oldest and I worked at the storage shed. I am hoping to finish the consolidatation of two sheds into one tomorrow - FINALLY. I felt a lot of sadness while working. I need to grieve the loss of my home and living there for 19 years. I haven't really done that yet and I'm not sure how you go about grieving a house. There is the actual physical exhaustion of moving boxes, sorting and stacking. But another part of the exhaustion is the pain that comes from having had to move my belongings into storage sheds - all that has been lost. Yes, material losses but a home that represented what my life was for so long.

Am I becoming an old hand at this grief thing? I am so much more aware of the process this time around. Really seeing and knowing that the current pain is resulting in my tiredness, listlessness and wanting to just go to bed, pull up the covers and sleep.

Grief brings on tiredness inside and out. Physical and emotional depletion. Crying leading to external exhaustion. The effort of keeping it together so that internally there seems nothing left to keep me standing. That loop that keeps running over and over in my head of memories and what ifs and regrets. The more it plays, the wearier I am. I work, study, move boxes and am tired. I think and I am tired. I grieve and the tiredness consumes my being - inside and out.

Barrel of Laughs!

My other close girlfriend called the other day to check up on how I was doing. She divorced in March, just sold her home and is in the process of moving into a townhouse. It felt so good to connect with and talk another person going through some of the same life changes as I. To hear her say that her back is so sore from the packing up and moving of her home. How I can relate to that having experienced the worst aches and pains of my life just a few weeks ago! She also admitted to the confusion and stress of living out of boxes and not being able to find anything. During our conversation she would interject, "This is just a barrel of laughs!" She added, "We did what had to be done."

My friend's husband has been out of work for two years and avoids contact with her because of child support issues (he claims he doesn't have the money to pay her now). So she has been handling a lot of life on her own although her family has provided emotional and financial support.

Anyway, I think that we all need opportunities to connect with others in our positions because it helps us realize that we are not crazy and that we are doing the best we can under the circumstances we were given. When we are in limited contact with others or only with those in better situations, it can make us feel inferior and/or helpless/hopeless.

Today I am grateful for anything and everything fall including:

1. Pumpkins
2. Hot apple cider
3. The gorgeous changing leaves
4. The nippy, crisp weather
5. Apple and pumpkin pie
6. Halloween
7. The fall colors of gold, rust, sage, orange, red, brown
8. Going back to drinking hot tea again
9. Shortened days that make you appreciate the daylight hours more
10. Mums

I am not strong or invincible!

Right now I do not want to hear those platitudes about being a strong woman and doing everything by myself. Guess what? I've been there and done that for six long years now (eight if you count the years my husband was really sick and mostly hospitalized) and I just am worn out. I can't do this anymore! The only reason I am is because I have to. I have been "only" parenting since the boys were just seven and eight - they are now 15 and 16. That is a long time to be bearing such a load on one's shoulders

Right now the apartment is still in chaos. It is physically making me sick. Today at work I had to leave 10 minutes early with a migraine - I also felt as though I would faint. Who is telling married women to hang in there and do it all on their own? I get the badge of being a widow as well as the tedium of having to parent, cook, clean, work and survive on my lonesome. This move has been the straw breaking the camel's back. I don't have the energy, stamina or strength to keep this up anymore. I've reached my limit - six years of widowhood.

There are assistants out there to help everyone else - nurses for doctors (even aides for the nurses); paralegals for attorneys; aides for teachers; secretaries for corporate people; asst. mgrs. for managers; prep cooks for the chefs; junior editors for editors - I could go on more with this list but you get the idea. Where the hell on this list is any assistant or helper for the distraught/overworked widowed mom - the widowed middle-aged mom in the middle of her widowhood?

Today I am grateful:

1. For firefighters.
2. For paramedics/EMTs.
3. For police officers.
4. For the U.S. flag.
5. For laundry baskets. (Life is pretty dim when this is the best you can come up with).

Chaos

Am trying to set up our new place, which is proving more difficult on my own than I realized. Our move from the house took some extra days for which I had to pay a $200.00 penalty to the buyer. We moved on Monday but the movers could not even finish and we had to finish the move on Tuesday. The move ended up costing me $2,000.00! Then on Wednesday I went back to the house to clean it. Thursday I worked so the first I could start tackling the new place was Friday. Then I had to work long hours this weekend. Talk about exhaustion and weariness! During the move I was so fatigued and sore I would moan out loud as I continued to pack and move boxes!

Today, I was off from work and the first order of business was to find all the computer cords, which the boys had packed and "lost" in the confusion of all the boxes stacked up in the new place (I can't yet bring myself to say apartment). After unpacking numerous boxes by the end of the afternoon, I moved a bag of dishware from a box sitting in the middle of the kitchen to find the cords and the computer was finally set up! Yeah! I can blog again and check my email.

The first few days of living here there was no place to sit and we couldn't easily walk around. Now it is somewhat better but the kitchen and bedrooms are still in bad shape. I'll keep working tonight and then again tomorrow because I am off from work again.

It feels good to have some normalcy back with the computer connected at least. This is a lot of work (not very fun). Having to go to my job over the weekend tore me up inside - thinking about the state I was leaving our new home in. I was exhausted and short-tempered. The past week all of us have had our emotions stretched pretty thin (the stress level is still high). Guyfriend tells me that all things will come together in time but that is easy for him to say since he is out of town doing some gambling. Needless to say, I am feeling upset with him for being out of town as I struggle to put together our new life. But that is a topic for another post. He combined the gambling with a trip to see his son but I am feeling abandoned and pissy because as usual, here I am handling the crap on my own! I guess that aspect of my life hasn't changed with the move.

Today I am grateful:

1. For finding all kinds of neat unread books which were hidden on my shelves but have resurfaced in the move.
2. That all the physical labor I've been involved with has negated the extra calories from eating take-out since the kitchen is out of commission.
3. That the movers did a great job and were very kind.
4. For the help my sons' friends provided during the move.
5. For my girlfriend who fed my boys last night while I was at work and let my oldest type a five page paper since we still hadn't found the computer cords.

Tough Transition

The house closing did get completed and I have the weekend to frantically move, pack, clear things up and clear things out! The movers have been rescheduled to arrive at 9:00 a.m. on Monday.

I used to tell myself that nothing will ever be more difficult than my husband's death (but this situation came pretty close).

We have a very small amount of money from the house sale to start out with - enough to get us on our feet. I am grateful that we received even something, as I know there are people in my situation who end up losing their homes with no proceeds.

The next few weeks will be challenging trying to settle into a new location. It is hard now going through all of this alone while trying to parent and work. I am promising myself a short getaway later this fall (just on my own). I need some time to heal myself and grieve the loss of our home and the life that used to be.

I thank everyone who thought about me during this though transition.

Fate Awaits

There is not much to do until a decision comes in about the house, as to whether the deal is still on and we complete the closing transaction. So much of my life has been on hold like this the past few years. The endless waiting for medical test results with my husband, youngest son and parents. Waiting for decisions regarding the divorce and mediation process. And now this. The fate about what will happen with this house and where/how we will next end up living.

I am trying to keep the fear at bay.

Closing Update

The house sale and closing was not completed this morning because a problem came up with the title commitment and land survey. Apparently, 35 years ago, the garage was possibly built illegally. The title company ended up giving the buyer an endorsement (at risk to them and an additional cost of $250.00 to me) but now the county dept. is looking for evidence of the building permit. The buyer is concerned that if something happens to the garage, it will not be covered by replacement insurance. Please say a prayer for me that evidence of a building permit turns up. I am trying to remain positive and optimistic and not think of the what ifs but it is hard. I had to cancel the movers for tomorrow. I need to try and distract myself. It is easy for my guyfriend to just say to go on as if everything will work out but I suppose that is a better alternative to thinking of the gloom and doom. I have never been an optimistic person (the glass is always half empty). Not an easy task for me to keep my spirits and hope up in situations like this.

Today I am grateful:

1. For Twizzlers.
2. For computer Solitaire, which is a great distraction.
3. For the support of my guyfriend who attended the closing with me.
4. For the support of my girlfriend - she has been a lifesaver.
5. For the support of my therapist who is kind enough to provide support over the phone and has worked out payment arrangements because money has been so tight.

Failure

This weekend I fell terribly short of packing/cleaning/clearing out. It just didn't get completed. Way too much for me to handle on my own and I miscalculated the amount of time needed to do it all. I have never moved like this before. I didn't grasp the sheer magnitude of it. Not to mention the exhaustion (physical and mental). Right now I am so tired and sore I am beyond feeling tired.

All kinds of feelings are churning up inside me. I see myself as a failure to some extent, although I know that isn't good for me right now - it is not serving any purpose except to make me feel worse. I am disappointed over the lack of "physical" help or muscle I received from my guyfriend. He had his son this weekend but I won't go there right now. I am feeling those triggers for me that relate to not having someone there for me. Guyfriend believes he has provided moral support but for this I needed someone actually by my side (not over the phone).

I have always been someone who has dropped what I was doing and put my needs aside to assist others. So I guess I am feeling some resentment that it doesn't get paid back to me.

Lastly, I guess is just all the widowhood stuff. Trying to do the job of two and always falling so short. Having to make all the decisions and organize everything. Running on empty but still expected to stand tall and strong... Parenting on my own. The boys helped with the packing but if I wasn't on them supervising they did some wacky things like putting all their clothing in sealed boxes. I asked what they planned to wear today and they had to reopen the boxes! Also, just putting breakables into boxes without packing paper. When I indicated my dismay they told me we could drive those boxes over in the car - just things like that. I know they were trying to help and doing the best they could. Everyone was on a short fuse by the end of the weekend!

The closing is still set for 11:00 a.m. but there is still so much left up in the air and I don't do well with that - I crave safety, security and knowing what is what. I rescheduled the movers for tomorrow a.m. to buy myself a little more time although there is still so much to do inside. I need another dumpster or Junk King or both! We're not sure if my mortgage lender's payoff letter arrived because of the holiday weekend so I may not get the funds today. We are supposedly going to sign a post possession agreement for 1-2 more days but until that is done I am worried about the buyer not agreeing to it. The holiday weekend jazzed things up and I wish I had known about it so I could have insisted on a closing date mid-week.

And wouldn't you know it - my period came yesterday. I do suffer from PMS (mood swings/upset) so surprisingly, I've been able to keep it together and not freak out. Some of my feelings of being overwhelmed, etc. may be attributed to my period. And if that were not bad enough, both commodes in the house are acting up and won't flush. Oh, joy! What a send off!

All in all just feeling drained beyond belief and at the point of throwing in the towel.

Doing Nothing

There is a woman in my neighborhood I pass by everyday and oftentimes she is sitting out on her porch doing nothing! I have seen this for many years and it has always stuck me. How can she do nothing? No book in hand, no craft project. She does smoke though.

This astounds me! I am always doing something. For instance, watching t.v. while knitting and during the commercials reading. When my husband was still alive I worked 20 hours outside the home and volunteered at least 10 hours weekly at the boys' school. Then I also volunteered with abused and neglected kids in my community. Since my husband's death my free time has dwindled even more. There just isn't any. A lot of my knitting only gets done while watching one of the boys play sports.

I am in the last push of the moving process and it seems as though it won't get done. I am so tired and ache all over. My bones and muscles hurt. The garage is almost finished but I still have to pack and somewhat clean the house. I think I will have to have the movers do some of the packing because it looks as though I will fall short. The buyers are coming for the inspection tomorrow and it'll be what it will be. I can only accomplish so much of this on my own (the story of my life as a widow). I have somewhat reached the point of not caring anymore and feeling numb.

I want to be like the woman I see on the porch - doing absolutely nothing except watch the cars and people go by. Is her housework actually completed? Doesn't she have bills to pay or some photos to put away in her album? I am envious of her ability to sit and only sit. I have done so much in the past years and am still doing too much. I just want to sit and sit doing absolutely nothing! Well, maybe sit and work on a jigsaw puzzle. That would kind of be like doing nothing.

Today I am thankful:

1. For the sounds of the insects that come out at night.
2. For being able to give some more scrap metal to another scavenger passing by today.
3. For the unbelievable customer service I received at Home Depot buying packing supplies - I was treated like a queen and considering I looked like hell that was a nice thing.
4. For the browning Lazy Susan flowers I saw that just a few days ago were vibrant and bright. The season is changing.
5. Applesauce and all things apple.

Buried Alive!

Junk King hauled away the four large furniture pieces at 10 a.m. Shortly later, the two scrap scavenger guys came to haul away the metal, a large file cabinet and the extra refrigerator in the garage. Just now the first dumpster was picked up and the second dropped off. As the overflowing dumpster was put onto the truck, I thought about all the useless junk that was in it. A whole garage full of broken toys and bits and pieces of old toy parts. Old sports equipment, holiday decorations, outdated baby items. I was certainly expecting more treasures as I cleared out the garage but so far nothing has turned up.

I wonder if part of my being buried in so much stuff was the result of me wanting to bury myself. If I was buried, I wouldn't be able to move on to a new life without my deceased husband. This thought has crossed my mind the past few days as I've cleaned out the garage. I suppose the garage would still be in the state it was in if I hadn't been forced to clean it because of the move. Maybe it is a good thing that I am being forced to move and to move on.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all the very nice service workers who have helped me with this move.
2. For the assistance my close girlfriend and guyfriend have given me with moving.
3. For having sold the house (knock on wood until the closing is completed!).
4. For the bright moonlight through my bedroom window. I will miss that when I move.
5. For the church chimes and train whistles I hear from my home. I'll miss those comforting sounds too.

Moving

Today, I had to order another of the largest size dumpsters because the one we already got is now totally full! The garage is about 3/4 of the way emptied. There is still quite a bit to go. Tomorrow some guys are coming to take out a large metal file cabinet and the other scrap metal. Then Junk King is coming to haul away the sofa and three large primitive vintage cabinets. After working in the garage all day, hauling stuff to the storage shed and then cleaning out the three cabinets I am ready to go to bed since there will be so much to face tomorrow.

But in honor of the move, I will take another moment to put down a poem I came across in my clearing out. It is from 1976. I was a Junior in High School and it was published in our school's literary journal. Although untitled, I think I will now title it "Moving." I should mention that I was a prolific poet in high school. But that craze pretty much ended when I got to college. It was fun to discover this poem and the others that got published. A few neat things discovered in the garage - but not much since time has dirtied things and the mice gotten to others. My oldest did come across a bag which he was about to toss into the dumpster after he said, "A bag of old t-shirts." I quickly rescued a very large bag of colorful new t-shirts which I'd been collecting to cut up and knit into a rug. That would be a fun fall project when I have some time. I will make a point of doing that project as a tribute to all that has happened over the years, the moving from one home, the start of a new chapter... A cool, colorful rug rescued from the fate of the dumpster. Somehow I think that ties in with a new beginning but I'll have to tweak that idea more.

Moving


They slip away

unnoticed

And are gone forever

from our minds,

Or are just a memory

now, of faces

Growing more blurry

and blurry

Until the name is

mentioned,

And someone answers --

"Oh, they moved away

ages ago."


Today I am thankful:

1. For heavy duty garbage bags.
2. For zip lock storage bags.
3. For canvas totes replacing plastic grocery bags.
4. For those nice big shopping bags with handles. Since I haven't been shopping in the past year it is good I had an old stash. See, never throwing anything away can have some advantages!
5. For air freshener in nice, unusual scents like vanilla nutmeg and candy apple.