What Next?

We live in a society where apparently wire tomato cages are no longer acceptable and colored ones need to be in our gardens. Are you kidding me? In today's economy they're producing products like this? We seem to be more concerned with "stuff" and less concerned with helping people, particularly woman, lead less stressed-out lives.

Here is my crazy story for the day. These past few weeks leading up to high school graduation have been a crazed, somewhat overwhelming stream of days and nights, one after the other, with no break for a breather. I was pretty tired today and after work lay down for a brief rest. I awakened at 6:00 with my youngest son in the shower. I figured it was Friday morning and that I had slept through the night although it didn't really seem I had.

My son asked for money, which I assumed was for lunch out. He said he and his friends were going to Taco Bell and I figured with the finals schedule, most kids have free periods or leave early and get lunch out. I noticed with some alarm that my oldest wasn't home - I asked my youngest where he was and was told he had slept over at a friend's. My youngest appeared to be leaving for school so I gave him some Fiber One Bars to take for breakfast. He took them without any word. As soon as he left, I called my oldest to be sure he would be at school for the graduation ceremony practice. He laughingly told me it was Thursday. It wasn't Thur. I informed him but Friday! We bantered back and forth a bit. No one mentioned that it was Thur. p.m. so I kept assuming it was still Thur. a.m.

I started to question my sanity. Where and how had I goofed up my week like this? I still believed it was Fri. a.m. and actually made a cup of tea and ate a granola bar for breakfast. I was about ready to jump in the shower to get ready for work when I made some more calls and finally figured out that I had only been asleep two hours instead of the entire night.

I was pretty relieved at this because what upset me the most about this entire mix-up was the fact that I thought I had to work two more days instead of only one.

What a strange and somewhat disconcerting experience. To be so busy and tired that you lose track of time and the days. And this has not been the first time something like this has happened. I lost an entire week back in January!

You'd think that with all our technology and advances in science and manufacturing that some attention could be directed toward reducing the stress and strain existing in our lives. I guess what I'm feeling is that instead of even MORE choices at the stores such as these tomato cages (which ARE cute, I agree but entirely unnecessary) that we need to reduce our choices. Anyway, that is just my opinion. That of an over-stressed, over-worked, over-tired mom trying to keep it together as we enter the final week before graduation.

I must say everyone is getting a good laugh out of this. Sam mentioned that I have seemed VERY tired the past few days and my oldest son commented that I was really out of it. The fact that I ate a granola bar with tea thinking it was the a.m. when it was the p.m. is very amusing to me. Might I recommend Nature Valley Crunchy "Oats 'n Dark Chocolate" - very tasty!

Being There

Doing those daily postings for the A-Z Blogging Challenge took a lot out of me. Also, there have been plenty of goings on with end-of-school-year activities, etc. I do okay with life when it doesn't throw any curve balls at me. But when I get hit with debit card fraud, baseballs hitting the windshield, on top of Prom and all the normal day-to-day functions, I seem to sink.

The debit card fraud was a big scheme that hit the Chicago area via Michael's, the craft store chain. Skimmers were put on the debit/credit card scanners, which is how they got my card and pin numbers. A number of stores in my area were targets - I had gone to two of them! Luckily, my bank did not allow the transactions to go through - in California at an ATM where they had made a phony card with my info. They tried to withdraw $500.00, then $300.00 and as a last ditch effort, $100.00 - all denied. But I was without a card for a week and had to keep running to the bank for cash.

The windshield on my son's vehicle was fixed on Friday. I am still dealing with insurance on that. I spent Mother's Day with Sam and had a nice meal out. We went to an Asian restaurant owned by a friend of his. She is a married mom of three with her oldest 13 and youngest 3. While we were there, Sam mentioned that his friend had confided in him that she is so tired, complaining of no time to herself, spinning her wheels, etc. "See, you are not the only one," he added. I just replied that it seems pretty much everyone in our society is tired these days. But his friend has a husband at home to confide in and pick up some of the slack. There IS a big difference when you are parenting on your own.

Driving home from Sam's, I listened to a radio broadcast about parenting teens today. The panel of church pastors talked about why parenting is different than in the past citing higher divorce rates, kids living in two homes, both parents working, living in such an instantaneous society. When asked what parents can do to counteract these pressures, being there, showing an interest in and attending the kids' activities was given as the top response.

I thought about that at the volleyball games I attended Monday and yesterday. It is tough getting home at 8:30 and then having to deal with laundry, homework and some kind of decent dinner. But I've made being there for my sons my #1 priority the past 10 years in an effort to raise them to the best of my abilities and to launch them into life as rounded, decent, caring, respectful young men and citizens of the world.

There is a huge sense of pride as I see what fine young men my boys have become. My oldest will be playing his original band composition next week at the final band concert along with it being Senior Night for volleyball. He is excited about starting college. On the volleyball court I see such a leader, not to mention his athletic and music abilities.

People tell me that when I look at other married couples and are envious of their union, to realize that their relationships might not be all that they seem. But I tell you, every marital problem and difficulty during the 12 years I spent with my husband (and there were plenty) do not compare in any way to the stress and strain I have felt as an only parent. I'd take all of those issues multiplied vs. the complications and hardships I've had to face raising these fatherless boys on my own. So that on top of the blog challenge and debit card fraud and windshield is just another aspect to my weariness.

But on Mother's Day, despite my exhaustion and all, I was reminded that as a mother I did what I felt was in my heart to do for my sons - I have been there. Granted the house has sometimes, well, most times, been pretty much of a mess - but I was there for two boys who needed their mom more than ever, and I should hold my head up for that with pride.

Crazy Life

Just wishing for a little peace and tranquility these days. The past weekend has been a bit crazy with Prom. Then my debit card was involved in fraudulent activity - someone tried to use it in California but my account was flagged and the account closed before any money was withdrawn from my accounts - thank goodness for that! But it is disconcerting to know that my info. was obtained including my PIN # - I guess I feel as though I've been violated in some way. Tonight at Knit Club another member had the same thing happen to her debit card over the weekend in California as well. We both use the same bank. I was glad to know it wasn't some weird curse on me - apparently a number of other folks in the community were targeted.

To top it off, my sons' vehicle was hit by a baseball during batting practice in the high school parking lot on Monday - the entire front windshield will need to be replaced and I'm still waiting to hear if the school will help with the cost - my insurance deductible is $500.00 so I'll be paying for it without insurance reimbursement.

Those events have kept me hopping. Need a little R&R and time off to myself. It gets so hectic at the end of the school year. And I honestly have come to believe that life's glitches are much easier to deal with when shared with a supportive partner - facing all this stuff on one's own is very tedious and wearing - physically and mentally.

Throwing in the Towel

Sometimes you have to just throw in the towel. I am thinking of the resolutions I had at the start of the year. I remember they seemed so simple and easy to achieve - to try and keep the sink clear of dirty dishes, to go through, organize and recycle my large stash of old magazines, to get through my backlogged unread emails now numbering in the 1000s.

Well, I gave it a good attempt, I really did. I tried doing dishes at night but was too tired. Then started to do them in the morning. Only then life sped up with show choir and college applications and the dishes started piling up again.

In January I made a huge effort at deleting all my old emails and within a weekend had gotten rid of 1000. But then the same old same old - no time for the computer unless to research or blog.

As for the magazines, my efforts there lasted about a day or two.

So in making the decision to throw in the towel, I have been using paper plates and cups which can at least be recycled. Last week during one of my numerous pharmacy runs to Walmart I found plastic storage containers that look like actual woven baskets and purchased enough for the bookshelf holding the magazines and now they are all in hiding and the shelf looks so much more neat and tidy.

As for the emails, well I'll try and see if I can devote some more time to that since the taxes and college financial aid apps are now completed. I know I have the option of just doing a massive delete job instead of going through them and maybe I should throw in the towel there too!

I said "No" this week. On Wednesday, my day off, I spent the ENTIRE day taking care of taxes (mine and the boys'). There were complications. My H & R Block guy had to reschedule the next appointment after me because we needed more time. Thursday I was supposed to go to a volunteer church activity with my girl friend but I didn't want to go. I was tired from the tax ordeal and kept looking around my home space in dismay. I just can't seem to rustle up the time to tend to home duties. Now why would I be volunteering my valuable time to give to others when I can't even take care of my own needs?

On that same note I told Sam I couldn't come to see him over the weekend. When I go to see him it is a break and fun but I come home to everything I left undone and it creates a lot of stress. So he is going to come for Easter.

Everything takes so much time - laundry, housework, cooking, cleaning. I have told myself that I have to focus on taking care of the home front first and foremost. No more running away for play time. That is a hard one, because of course we need free time and enjoyment. But I need to get some aspects of my life together and squared away and as a widowed mom, the only way that is going to happen is if I do concentrate on work for the time being. The playing can come later.

I don't often say "No." But I have to in order to preserve my sanity and move onward. There is that double standard thing going on though. When I assert myself and stick up for myself I'm often criticized and told I'm not organized or strong enough - that something is deficient with me. I won't play the game anymore. Thursday and Friday were so busy at work. I was tired both days. After work on Friday I went to my absolutely most favorite place in the world to go - Walmart - to pick up my son's prescription for acne medication. Every month I go through some major conflict getting this script filled and yesterday was no different. I ended up spending two hours in the Walmart (I will spare you the details). I hadn't had lunch and was starving. I considered buying a candy bar or something. I didn't get home until after 5:00. So for those out there constantly pointing a finger at me, I put up my hands and say, a big "NO more."

Movies

Widowhood has robbed me of leisure time. One of the major leisure activities to go by the wayside has been movies. Since my husband's death I've maybe watched a total of 25 movies over eight years, including rentals and made-for-tv ones. I've gone to the show exactly twice in eight years. Before widowhood, movies were a regular part of my life. My husband and I would stay up most Saturday nights to view a rental and we went to the show as much as we could for a date.

I had this tradition of seeing all the Oscar nominated movies for Best Picture in the weeks leading up to the Oscars. My husband would sometimes let me steal away on a week night so I could see a movie while he watched the boys. The year of his death was the last time I ever undertook my Oscar viewing.

My boys are very active in sports so I suppose I've traded movies for watching numerous wrestling matches, baseball games, volleyball tournaments and football nights in the stands. My entertainment has also included musical performances of band, orchestra and show choir. And some plays and dance recitals thrown in for good measure.

So it's not as though I'm just sitting home alone not doing or seeing anything interesting. But it is still sobering to realize how much is really lost as a result of such a life change and widowhood. There just aren't enough hours in the day and I don't have two to spare sitting down watching a video.

It is Friday night, that night known for going out to catch a new movie or rent a new release. My tide is turning. One boy will be off to college next year with the other on his way the year after. My life will then free up and I'll have some spare time for myself to watch movies if I so desire.

But I've written these posts and observations to depict how demanding life can be for only parents. How something so many people take for granted, Friday pizza and a movie, might not be a part of everyone's life. So many losses, they all add up. If someone had told me at the onset of my widowhood that I would no longer be watching any movies, I wouldn't have believed them.

I think that when you live with someone or are dating, it is just a natural part of the situation to go out and do things, and seeing a movie is a pretty basic activity. When you're on your own there isn't the motivation to get out sometimes even to the Redbox. Not to mention the tiredness from day-to-day life - I'm not sure I'd even be able to stay up for the duration of a movie!

Widowhood + Parenthood = Crazyhood

Have been running around in circles the past week. Just so much going on with the boys and no free time. Wanted to post about Valentine's Day and some other topics. Hoped to have a few moments to myself but surprise, surprise, tonight is a band concert I didn't know about until this afternoon! Good news though! My oldest was just accepted into the number one college of his choice so we are celebrating the news. I am going to the concert because it will be one of the last I'll attend as a high school parent. Blogging can wait another day until tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

For anyone eager to move past the holidays, they won't need to wait long because Valentine's Day candy is already up at my grocery store. I remember earlier in the season being upset when Christmas lights were put up at Halloween but now that the holidays are over, I feel a bit sad.

Since my husband's death, the holidays have never the same. I was thinking this year about how we no longer ride around the pretty neighborhoods looking at the twinkling lights. I am always so rushed, even the years when we didn't really celebrate much. Now the holidays are over and I feel that I really didn't even have an opportunity to savor them. By the time the dust settles and I am in a place to enjoy the season, it is already over. I suppose this is ditto for whatever season we are in - the elegance of autumn, fun of Halloween, the radiant spring sunshine and flowers. By the time I even realize and appreciate the season I am in, it has already passed and we are whizzing ahead to the next event on the calendar.

I was always busy as a young married mom, but never felt the regret of the passing seasons as I have as a widow. Somehow there was more time because I had more help and a partner by my side to share the season with. It makes a huge difference. I hope this year is different in some way. I'm not sure how I can make my life less busy and full. But I hope in some way to try and greet each special holiday with an intensity I haven't been able to in previous years. Maybe I need to spend a little time each week planning for Christmas and Halloween starting now? I know that in Victorian times the women made all their gifts and the preparations began in the summer. This year I do not want to see the holidays flit by without being able to say that I felt them in my heart!

Coffee Break

I have not realized with the intensity that I have felt the past few days, of how essential conversation and connections are in our lives. Maybe these past few years I've been so busy just dealing with all the turmoil and changes that have resulted. But now that the dust has settled a bit, I realize how much these two elements have been lacking in my life. I suppose this blog has served as a way for me to "talk" and "communicate" - to release and get out some of my feelings. But it is only a substitute for what I used to have in my life - someone to talk with at the end of the day, to share and relate with, to bounce off ideas, problems and solutions with, to joke and laugh with. It is not the same talking on the phone with someone. There is a different chemistry when you're actually with someone and that person is close and intimately known to you.

Random thoughts circle around in my head. Before, I would have shared them with my husband. So I will now get them out here.

RANDOM CIRCLING THOUGHTS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1. Solved the cookie dilemma by baking up some Tollhouse cookies in a pan vs. on cookie sheets. Just do not have the time or desire that the extra steps of baking individual cookies takes. I try to cut corners wherever I can to save time and energy. At least for now that is what I have to do. Maybe in the future, I'll have more leisure time to do more.

2. They love my son at his new job. One of his football coaches came in with his children and sought out the manager to tell him they'd hired a great kid. The manager replied that they already know that and he has proven himself and is extremely trustworthy.

3. I'm doing okay at my restaurant job. After two days of training they've cut me loose on my own instead of having to complete the typical four days of training.

4. My younger son (boy does he know me) asked if I'm able to be pleasant on my job. He said, "I can imagine you feeling resentful and jealous of all the people coming in and being able to have a lunch out," etc. I replied that I am very nice, upbeat and pleasant with the restaurant guests but yes, do envy the women who can sit in a booth all day chatting and drinking wine (4 glasses each!). But instead of being upset about it, I am realizing how much more we all need to go out once in awhile and add more fun activities into our lives. That will be a goal for 2011!

5. I hate doing laundry in public machines. Whenever I have gone to the apartment office to add money to my laundry card this week they've been closed. It has almost become comical! Yesterday it was for the office Christmas party. I would start doing laundry at another facility but with the cold it is more convenient to do it in my building. But come the new year, I'll check out less costly places. Another thing to add to the list.

6. I do my best to take care of my sons and think of their needs and I want to do that. I had a very tough and difficult childhood and I have always felt my sons have had a heavy load losing their Dad. So if I can make their lives a bit easier I have no aversion to doing so. But it would be nice to receive a thank you once in awhile. Yesterday, I asked my youngest for one. Just another aspect of this life that I don't believe I'd be dealing with if my husband were alive. Because husbands and wives often provide that type of feedback and support that doesn't come from the children.

7. Being at this restaurant job is a little odd for me. I feel like I am regressing and going backward. I mean I've had my share of cashier, server, sales clerk, babysitter, etc. type jobs as a teen and in college. Working with these younger people is a bit disconcerting. I want a sit down, office job. My son told me that one of his duties when he closes at his job is to clean the restrooms. I told him I did that too when I worked at the Big Box Store. I guess I grew up with the expectation that once you hit middle-age, that would be a job no longer even in your realm of consciousness. Oh, well...

8. Getting out and meeting new people and then interacting with the public at this restaurant job has been a good thing for me. Forcing myself to be social and pleasant helps me remain so the rest of the day. And even at this "fake" job, I do feel a sense of accomplishment leaving and having done something positive with my time.

9. It has been very difficult starting a job along with the boys being in their last week of school before Christmas Break. I wish I didn't have to do it because I have ended up feeling more frantic and crazed with it being the holidays as well. I know I don't have a choice. I hope in the future that I have more options and choices. Being forced to always have to do something or take something or there being only way gets very old quickly.

10. I look back and see how I've been living my life the past few years. Always on the go, driving one of the boys to some game or activity or another. Frantically trying to clear out storage sheds. Being buried in past possessions and memories. Never really stopping and taking a moment or two for myself. Or when I do, it is crammed in between some other activity or tied in with one (such as visiting Sam but helping him out with his son). Seeing all the people come into the restaurant and take the time for a break has make me realize that I need more coffee (tea) breaks too. More nature walks, more time for reflection and fun! I think a lot of us widows are way short of self-care, self-nurturing, time alone and doing things just for the pure pleasure of it. We lack extra free time in our lives and have so much on our plates already. And I think I feel guilty too letting domestic duties sit to take a breather. But seeing how the real world functions a little more, has been an eye opener. And so the dishes can sit another day. I'm going to make more plans to smile, laugh, joke, get out and about and be with others. It's time for more coffee breaks and fun. Time to get a little tipsy once in awhile and stop constantly worrying. To throw caution to the wind again and take a few more chances... I want to be able to go with a girlfriend to a restaurant and sip wine all afternoon, while talking and laughing (just once!). To be referred to as "one of the wine ladies" instead of the widow!

Friends

I received an email a few weeks ago from a woman I didn't recall knowing but I enjoyed it because it was all about the books she was reading and a number of them were ones I was interested in as well! Then the next week another email came and this one contained information about a weekly knitting group made up of about 30-40 women who rotate in and out. The email gave a description of the projects each woman who had attended the group that week had been working on. It dawned on me then that the email was from one of the women I randomly met at the knitting store I frequent and struck up a conversation with a few weeks back. She invited me to join the knitting group and asked for my email.

I haven't gone to a meeting yet because of football season and now they won't be meeting until after Thanksgiving but I am definitely going to attend the first week in December. There are two older widows in the group but still a connection and other women who although don't share my widowhood do face mid-life changes. It is not going to be easy to just show up and present myself to a group of strangers but the thing about knitting is that you can listen to others while keeping your hands busy and looking occupied. It was very nice that someone who doesn't know me took the time to add me to her email list and contact me.

I've written before about how widowhood has isolated me and that I have lost friendships I used to have because of my circumstances. Here is an opportunity to get back in a group and from there who knows where it will lead? I always believe that first steps result in others.

All of this reflection on friends made me consider the fact that sometimes I haven't been a good friend. I have two close girlfriends, both divorced and one has left me a phone voice mail message and another on Facebook, neither of which I've responded to. Widowhood sometimes robs me of my time management abilities. An issue comes up and I forget about the message. I use my circumstances as an excuse at times to not put the effort in I need to.

Friendship is a two way street as are relationships. They require give and take and the attention of both parties. I rationalize that because my divorced friends have lives a bit easier, they should do more of the "work." I realize that this is not the best attitude to take here. Yes, I have a stressful and tough life right now but that doesn't give me the excuse to totally throw in the towel. I may not be able to do as much as my girlfriends but I can do what I can. So I sent my girlfriend an email telling her I was thinking of her and wishing her well with the new man she is seeing. She wrote back and seemed very pleased that I'd thought of her and suggested we get together soon to talk. That will be something to look forward to.

I hate to say that I look at socializing as another job in among the many that are already crowding my plate. But I have to look at it as a job that will result in more good than negative and worth the extra effort I put into it. I do get so irritated that widows seem to have more than their share of jobs and that even non-jobs like maintaining friendships somehow become more tedious than they were before non-widowhood. I wish it were all easier and not so complicated all of the time.

A Widow's Work is Never Done

My oldest son had a band concert last night. He rushed home from football practice, I made sure his uniform was clean, complete and in good repair, prepared a light meal for him and arranged to get him back to school an hour before the concert started. I told him that I wanted to drive together to save gas. He felt sorry for me having to wait the hour before the concert but I told him I'd use the time to knit, which would be a treat for me.

Turns out though, that in the mad rush to get my son taken care of, I couldn't locate the skein of yarn needed for my project and left with a book and picture search magazine instead. I was disappointed. My life always feels this way. Rushing to and fro and just never quite getting it all together.

Once at the school, I spent some of the free time going to my son's locker to see the spirit posters that have been put up by the pep club during the football season. I walked around the hallways a bit and observed some of the photos they have up of my son - a band picture, one of him at a pep rally surrounded by cheerleaders and when he was the first junior last year in 10 years to be crowned Mr. "High School."

What 's funny is as soon as I entered the auditorium and sat down, my eyes immediately fell on two women in front of me happily knitting away. I also noticed that they were seated next to hubbies, so they probably had time to locate their knitting projects before rushing out the door to attend the concert! But yes, I felt a tinge of envy as I watched their needles clicking away and longed for my own needles in my hands!

I enjoyed the concert very much and wasn't as upset about attending alone as I usually am. This is my son's senior year and I'm trying to focus on that and supporting him as best and fully as I can. I was so proud of him up on stage, so handsome in his tux and as the section leader. Although it has been a trying challenge for me to keep living here, the benefits my son has received from football, band and even being crowned the king of the school last year have been worth it.

Tonight was the football team's first playoff game. It was supposed to only be in the 30s and I did not want to sit alone in the bleachers so I drove over to the parking lot early to snag a spot facing the field so I could watch the game from the car. It got cold by 4th quarter even in the car but was much better than being outside.

I solved the knitting situation too. For a few weeks now my son has been reminding me that his girlfriend asked me to make her a fall scarf. Last Christmas I made her a number of scarves, mittens and a ski band. I almost laughed at my son when he told me his girlfriend wanted a scarf for fall. Me knit her a scarf? When, with what free time? Tonight sitting in the car during the game I got through over half of one for her so fit in my knitting fix. But it is so nice I want one for me too - she specifically requested one with a slit so she can tuck the ends in around her neck. I'm going to sign off now so I can try and finish it for her so she can get it tomorrow.

The team won the game so they move on in the playoffs and there is a pancake breakfast at the school we need to attend tomorrow morning. A busy week. I need to remind myself that it is just me holding down the fort and getting these kids to these events, as well as attending them. I am herewith making a request right now (putting my order in early) for the Heaven that consists of living in a combined knitting and book store attached to a tea cafe, so I'll never be without a book or project and cup of tea when I reach the hereafter - to kind of make up for the disheveled life I currently lead here on earth!

You Deserve A Break Today

When the kids were younger, the number one thing I needed the most was a bit of time away. I needed to take a break and have a moment or two to myself. But those opportunities were pretty much nil. For one thing, I was worried about the boys being driven by someone else. It took almost a year for me to allow anyone else to give the boys a ride. My logic was that I was too fragile to handle another loss and if something bad was going to happen, it needed to happen to all us. Anyway, maybe I would have relented sooner if I'd had more offers for a break. But no one ever gave me any. And I didn't know then what I know now. I should have forced myself early on to take better care of myself and have some time away from the jobs of grieving, living, working, parenting, maintaining a home, on my own etc. I just took everything on myself and now I think I am paying a dear price.

I did give in once about a month after my husband's death. A mom from the boys' school whom I knew casually invited to take both along with her two sons to a Disney movie premire. I remember that it was early December and lightly snowing and I almost worried out of my mind that there would be an accident. That woman's offer and then her following through with it was one of the nicest favors I've received in widowhood. So may I pass on to anyone who may know a widow with or without kids. Take the kids out to give the mom/dad a break or offer to babysit. If there aren't any kids, offer to take the widow/widower out for an activity (not just food related). Anything to help break the routine and give these folks some kind of break.

I am trying to get away now for a few days with Sam and his son. But it is so trying to figure out the logistics of where the boys will stay and to regulate their scheules while I am away. It is almost not worth the trouble it is taking and my anxiety. Again, I wish I had somehow been able to make my going away more of a routine in the early days. I think that if I had forced myself to get away and treat myself I would be less drained and weary at this point. Yes, I would still be tired but I think that if I had made myself more of a priority I'd be less down and out in spirit. Now I feel like my sanity is hanging by a thread. My spirit is drained and depleted.

Being at home while the boys are out with their friends is not the same thing as getting away from the routine and having an opportunity to rest and relax. It is so refreshing to visit a new place or location be that local or long distance. I knew of a divorced woman in her mid-50s with two high school aged sons. She and her husband sold their big home and each moved into ranch homes in the same neighborhood so the kids could walk back and forth. Ex-husband had the boys every other weekend and I never tired of hearing what this woman did on her "free" weekends - I was fascinated and envious. There was a trip to Florida with girlfriends, another girlfriend trip antiquing and when she started dating, she and the new guyfriend would meet halfway from their homes at a nice hotel for the weekend. What I was most envious of was that this woman got to take off her mom hat for a few days and let down her hair. I know you never stop worrying about your kids but knowing that they are in safe hands with their father surely gave her enough peace of mind to enjoy the Florida beach and browsing in those antique stores. I think this woman was a better mom because of her time away and the me time she gave herself.

As much as I've wanted to "get away" the dynamics of my family and life haven't made it that realistic. I don't have family living in town and the boys were always so busy with their activities - no time off in summers due to travel baseball - and I always wanted to see them play too. And it has always been terribly hard for me to ask favors from people or family. So I haven't.

Maybe this issue is haunting me today because I feel a bit of resentment about my trip to Sam's. It is being billed as partly a mini vacation/time off for me but it is also to help Sam out since he'll have his son for a week and will be working. So I'm giving him and his son a hand so the poor kid doesn't have to stay home alone or go into work with Sam some of the time. So it's a win-win situation for everyone. And I know I should feel good about being to help someone out in need. But instead I am just feeling resentful about my helping out Sam who only sees his son 4 days out of the month except for vacation time. Here I've been responsible 24/7 for my sons the past 7 years without any kind of break. And with no help from anyone, no break, no one coming to my aid when I could have used a helping hand.

I guess that is the underlying anger. Feeling upset and neglected over the lack of support and help I've received over the years. And to know that those who are in less difficult situations do get the help, do get a break and do have an easier time of life.

I don't know what to do with these feelings of resentment right now. I think part of it comes from the cumulative effects of widowhood - the fatigue and weariness that just builds up over the years. The never having a break from the worrying of only parenting. I know there isn't anything I can do about the past and that I need to focus on changing the future. But regrets and resentments still build up and are triggered by events such as this. And then I have to deal with them. So I guess there needs to be balance over what has been without getting too hung up on it, while trying to remain hopeful and positive that the future will be better. Easier said than done.

Continued Cluelessness

One of the initial intentions I had when I started this blog was to garner some sympathy and understanding for those traveling the widow road. Specifically, to convey what I termed "The Fatigue and Drain of Widowhood." It is difficult to describe to others who are not in this position, just how draining and fatiguing this life is on so many levels.

Grief in and of itself is exhausting physically and mentally - it is relentless work - a job. To add to that comes tiredness from not sleeping or sleeping poorly, as well as loss of energy and strength due to lack of exercise and not eating well or consistently.

But I have found the worst to be all that has come from the emotional and mental side. Having to learn new skills and take over tasks that were unfamiliar; always thinking ahead and coming up with contingency plans for "what if" circumstances; being put on the spot and having to scramble in 10 different directions when a monkey wrench altered a situation; just figuring out and planning the details of daily living so life runs somewhat according to plan and smoothly.

It is physically draining to be the only one always taking out the garbage, cleaning up the house, doing chores inside and out, running to the store, filling the cars with gas. But even more so, the emotional void that occurs because there is no one to brainstorm with, no partner to call on the way home from work with the request to put the casserole into the oven to save 30 minutes of cooking time. It is the big things (car emergencies, money issues, etc.) but even more, the daily, little things that build up with time - not having someone telling you that your outfit or hair look nice, not having that special someone give you a hug when you leave or return for the day.

Not having someone to lean on both physically and emotionally.

You get depleted, tapped out, the tank is always running on empty.

Putting one foot in front of the dragging other, day after day because there is not much choice otherwise.

Just cut us a little slack - give us a break. Understand where we are coming from. But no, we're judged and held accountable as though hubby were still taking out the garbage and getting the cars tuned up. In fact, there have been plenty out there who've been critical of not only what I've done or decisions I've made. Then there is the criticism for not being able to keep up and falling short. And then to feel guilty and upset with myself because of other people's ignorance and lack of compassion! Looking back, those who were most critical were those unwilling to offer a helping hand or emotional support.

I had really hoped to change things not only out there in the world but within my own little life too. I don't think that has happened. I don't believe that people can or will get this. It's futile for me to try and explain my perspective. Unless you live this, you don't know - you'll never know.

Case in point - even those who have known me the most closely fail to get this - the complications and stress of this life. I continue to be compared and judged along with all of those with more "traditional" lifestyles.

Back in September, just after I'd made a major move on my own from a five bedroom home to a two bedroom apartment, I mentioned needing a computer desk to Sam, the man I was involved with. Now this was a point where I was so physically worn out from the packing and moving, etc. I could barely stand. I won't even go into the emotional pain in regard to all that was going on in regard to my having had to sell the home at virtually no profit and to move the boys and I. I continued working at the big box store and was involved in unpacking and trying to organize a new place for the boys and I. And with no help - very little physical or emotional support at all.

And during this period, which Sam was fully aware of, his response to me in regard to my needing a computer stand was to go around town hitting garage sales - to obtain one that way. Here is this poor woman, stretched to the limit with no free time and doing her best to handle an extremely difficult situation on her own while keeping it together for her kids, and she was expected on top of all that to search at garage sales.

That's what I mean about people's unrealistic expectations of us. Sure, fine, I could scope out garage sales in my other life before widowhood when I had a husband at home lending a helping hand with parenting and the house. But not in this situation. And I find that total disregard and lack of understanding for my life almost insulting.

When I told Sam that his idea was unrealistic and that I'd have to check out inexpensive options at either Target, Walmart of Pier 1, I heard back that I wouldn't be getting a deal and the other option was better. So, I couldn't win - I wouldn't be able to do the garage sale hopping. And when I admitted that I had to do something else and adapt, there was criticism for that as well.

I don't mean to pick on Sam totally here because this has happened numerous times in the course of my widowhood. This example was recent enough that I could recall it with some detail.

I have just come to find that it doesn't much matter what I do because whatever it is, it will be met with criticism and perceived as falling short. I don't know what the deal is here - are people totally clueless? It seems as though it is quite easy for people to lay on criticism for me as a widow that I don't hear other people receiving. Why is it is so easy for someone to discount my grief when I have really gone through some trying times with a phrase such as "Your life is better than if you were living in Africa." I have heard countless women over the years complain about trivial matters such as their husband's being gone on a week-long business trip leaving them alone with the kids and house. Or, complaints about slow-moving workmen involved in their house remodeling project. Or the fact that they've had to go an extra week without a manicure because the girl who does it has been out on vacation. And yet I have never heard anyone tell THESE women that their lives could be worse if they were living in Africa and they should be grateful!

I'm perplexed. And I'm sad and disappointed with the overall and general lack of understanding for those of us in this position (not by choice and by unfortunate circumstances). All I've wanted was a little compassion, maybe a nod of the head instead of a stern finger wagging at me in disapproval. Widowhood is a no win situation to begin with - and continues to be as a widow.

Unbound Ties

I used to have friends. There were my friends from work, grad school, my work with the PTA and a volunteer at the boys' school, the school where my husband taught, fellow parents on the teams my husband and I coached and from the other groups my husband and I participated in - he sang semi-professionally and I was a CASA (court appointed special advocate for abused and neglected kids). So I'd often go out to meetings, dinners or lunches with these various groups of people. And I very much enjoyed seeing my husband perform. There was plenty of healthy interaction among adults including the exchange of knowledge and ideas. I felt respected and valued in the world and that I was a contributor for the overall good of man.

After my husband's death it didn't take very long for these ties to sever. Immediately the connections I had with my husband's school and performing groups ended. Then as it became more and more time consuming to volunteer, I stopped doing so and lost those connections as well. My shortened free time was spent between parenting on my own, working part time and doing what I could for my parents (mainly my mom prior to her death).

I'm relating all this now in a way to prove to myself that I used to be a stimulating member of society - I had it once. But that circumstances ended up making it very difficult to maintain social interactions. And now I feel as though I really have so little in common with those I used to socialize with.

Sitting on the bleachers during games I overhear snippets of conversations. One that grabbed my attention was that of the volleyball team mom talking about her various trips/vacations the past few months. There was skiing in Colorado, Wisconsin and Michigan and then some place else too. Now I have only been to Michigan for a week's vacation in the past seven years. Hearing this woman talk made me feel sad as well as jealous.

Then there was the mom talking about the major stress she was feeling because of the remodeling going on with her home. "Let me tell you about stress," I wanted to say but I know it is all relative and relates to the experiences you are facing. Still...

After all this time I no longer look, see or perceive the world in the ways I did before widowhood. I am certainly not the same person by a long shot. A woman I had lunch with (chicken salad on croissants) at her home only a few years ago looked right through me when we passed one another at a recent band concert. Another "former" PTA and sports friend recently asked me where I had moved and since then hasn't spoken a word to me.

It is weird to participate in a world you used to be a full part of but now are there only on the fringes - almost like an observer looking in. I no longer feel that comfortable speaking up in conversations - what could I say to the woman whose family has been fortunate enough to get away four times since January? I no longer own a home so the woman stressed out with the workmen doing the remodeling wasn't much of a conversational draw for me. What could I contribute?

My oldest son was in a remedial math class with about 18 kids. He told me that all of his classmates were lower income kids. When I attended the school's open house I was the only parent visiting that classroom! When I first moved into this apartment complex I looked in the high school phone directory to see who lived here. With only one exception, all the families attending my sons' school are headed by single moms, myself included. I bring this up because I believe it is so hard to be an only or a single parent. There just isn't time to volunteer or sadly, to attend a school open house. And then those friendships become too challenging to maintain and you stop getting included anyway.

Friendships by the wayside - another casualty of widowhood.

It's Okay to be Sad

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day at the storage sheds, moving items from one into the one I just cleaned and organized. By day's end, I was utterly physically exhausted and also depressed. It was long, tedious work and during the process, I just kept seeing all my pretty things in such a cramped and ugly setting. Pretty things aren't so pretty anymore when they're stacked up in a concrete, cold, garage. I thought a lot about moving from our home and that brought on feelings of sadness.

The day's work was in such contrast to the actual day. Very breezy but warmer and sunnier than what we have had. I certainly did not want to be breaking my back on such a rare late autumn day - but first things first. You have to do what needs to get done. Afterward, there was grocery shopping, monitoring the boys as they went out and doing laundry. I felt out of it and so tired I could barely stand.

This morning my low feelings continue. I have to work the afternoon until 8:00 p.m., which I am not looking forward to because I still cannot wear a closed shoe comfortably on my right foot. But really, I just don't want to go. I want to play hooky and have a few hours to myself to think, reflect and contemplate a move and marriage. And to have time to not think, reflect and contemplate all that.

I woke up before 6:00 to get my son off to his club volleyball tournament and then did the homework for my clinical tomorrow. Laundry is being done and I'll make chili for the boys to have for dinner. As I do all this I've been fighting my sadness but then thought why shouldn't I be sad right now? Working on the storage sheds probably triggered it but there are other reasons to be sad too - lack of free time, being tired, juggling only parenting with a job and school, worrying about finances and figuring out what is best for all of us in regard to moving. And there is still that remaining undercurrent about my husband's death and the divorce. Today I just told myself that it is okay to feel sad - even with it being another nice late autumn day (a rarity).

Today I am grateful for:

1. The fine fall day.
2. That I found my son's extra pair of volleyball shorts in the dryer from last night where they'd been left (good thing I did another load of laundry in the morning).
3. Having a storage shed to put my belongings in that don't fit into the apartment.
4. That I have extra belongings to put into a storage shed.
5. That I can walk despite having had a box fall on my foot.

Widowhood Robbery

Right after the Fourth of July, I posted about my upset that fall scarecrows were already out in the stores. Way too early I thought. Now I wish I'd paid a little more attention to those fall displays because the season was over in the blink of an eye. That is more upsetting to me than the early consumerism. The past few falls have had so much crappy stuff for me to deal with, I just haven't had the opportunity to fully enjoy this season. Or Christmas for that matter; or knitting; or relaxing on a Saturday with enough time to just putter about the house. No baking the past years, no parties hosted for the kids or sleepovers.

Widowhood has robbed me of the gift of spare and free time. And I do feel mad about that. What I long for are mostly free and simple things - time for a walk in the park; the ability to have lunch out by myself; reading a book for more than 15 minutes; being able to actually finish a complete magazine; not feeling so rushed and frantic all the time as I race from one location to another with the boys, run into the store for staples and hurry home to whip up a quick dinner for hungry teen boys.

The last movie I saw was Slum Dog Millionaire - and besides a couple movies on cable, nothing even rented. In fact, Slum Dog Millionaire is the only movie I have seen in years (maybe four or five). All the self-help books suggest carving out time for yourself by making dates for activities in your appointment book. And then sticking to this schedule come hell or high water. But as an only parent what you hope and plan for often isn't the reality.

So I have a different perspective about the upcoming holidays this year. I spent some time at CVS this morning before class looking at the new display of Christmas ornaments. And I am not so upset with the Walmart commercial that aired yesterday with holiday music. Maybe the only way I will be able to squeeze in that holiday spirit this year is by starting now and cramming it in whenever and wherever I can.

When it Rains it Pours

I find weeks like the one I've just survived, challenging for me. I think the widowhood component really plays a hand in it all. Juggling too many things, physically and emotionally tired, not getting enough sleep, "only" parenting, worrying on top of everything.

Last Sunday I spent the day at the storage shed and dropped a heavy box on my right foot. I've been in significant pain since and have had to wear a slipper, as my foot and toes are swollen and terribly bruised. I went to the doctor who wanted me to get an x-ray but the week has been so crazy I've skipped that. I started my Certified Nursing Training, with classes meeting an hour away Tue., Wed. and Thur. during the day. Then on Tue. night my oldest had a band concert. I drove my son's drum set to guyfriend's house because it took up so much space in the storage shed. That took two trips (two evenings since he lives an hour and 15 minutes away). In my free time I read the text book and studied for an exam. And I met with my attorney to discuss the option of filing for bankruptcy and I delivered various tax and financial documents. As if all this wasn't enough, I had to give the apt. a good cleaning because they were doing a maintenance check on Wed. and would come in while I was in class - I hate that - not being home when someone will be there! But wait there's more! The "Service Engine Soon" light keeps popping up on and off when I drive my car, so just something else to toss on the plate to worry about.

But the real kicker was helping guyfriend move 4 hours out-of-state. We did it ourselves (to save money) starting on Friday morning. Packed up his entire little house and carried all his furniture in the rain to the truck. His home is actually smaller than my apartment and it was a good thing that he was kind of living like a bachelor. As in a lot of divorces, his ex kept everything and he just picked up used furniture and such at garage sales (except for the electronics and computers which are all new, big and hard to carry). We unloaded the beds and put together the king size one so we could sleep on it Friday night. Again, it was raining and cold (there were even snow flurries mixed in with the rain). The 4 hour drive took 5 hours because we had to drive through rain and wind.

The next morning we quickly finished unloading the truck. Although it was cold, the sun was out. Guyfriend rented a nice and cozy one-level home with a finished basement (3 bedrooms). The landlords are a delighful older couple and the woman hugged me upon meeting me. The neighborhood is modest but very well-kept and cute. The high school is two blocks away. Guyfriend's new job is 5 minutes away.

I was a bit resentful helping guyfriend with his move because I felt that he had kind of wimped out in helping me with mine and believe me, my move was pretty major - I've got stuff in 3 storage sheds that I'm trying to consolidate and it took the movers 2 days to complete! Talk about stressful and exhausting! I talked to guyfrind about this, also telling him that I was giving up the only two days I had off to work in the storage sheds to assist him. It didn't help that I had a bum toe and foot either. Then because it was Halloween the boys had a lot of activites scheduled and I insisted they find friends to sleep over at since I'd be out of town on Friday night. But that was just another aspect of the scheduling logistics needed. I suppose some of my resentment also stems from the fact that when I help someone like this it is at a cost to myself and my family. Two days away from the homefront and things start to fall apart. Guyfriend doesn't have to make arrangements for his son or to worry about him while he is away - just another piece of the widowhood puzzle that rears its ugly head, especially when I'm interacting with someone who doesn't face the same parenting challenges.

Guyfriend's training schedule necessitated that he make this move so quickly. He also wanted his home empty for the new renters he hopes to get for his place. He needed to fly out for training in Detroit today where he'll be for a week. He comes back next Sunday but flies out again for another week in Detroit after a week at this home base. It was just all so rushed and crazy. But we got it done - and we talked through my resentment and he listened and heard me and acknowledged me. We also talked about my moving to be with him and get married but he accepted that it is a hard situation for me. He told me he hopes I will do so because we make a "good couple" and we will have a good life together. I will always be welcome in his home, even if I can't move right away. He is not going to force or try to pressure me, which is exactly the opposite of how Husband #2 reacted.

We were a good team together this weekend. We get along so well and even when I am terribly upset, we work out the issue. Despite the hard, physical labor of moving, we had fun together and as always I enjoy just being in his company. I got home Saturday night and picked up my youngest from a Halloween party around 10. I was so beat and drained. It was fortunate that the time was put back and I could gain an hour of sleep because I had to be at my clinical this morning at 7 a.m. and only got about 5 hours of sleep. My foot is still swollen so I had to wear a different shoe to the clinical and I feared I'd have to cancel and make it up. But I got through it and am so glad my first week of class is over - just 4 to go! I feel a sense of accomplishment for all that I achieved this week. After I got home this afternoon I put in 3 hours at the storage shed and have finally made a dent and enough space so I can start transferring things from one of the other sheds tomorrow.

I still have to figure out what we are going to do about moving with the boys. I talked with them today and both want to complete high school here. I pointed out that we will still be financially strained here but the social aspects and potential scholarships their coaches are pursuing for them seem to be the great draw. Guyfriend told me if we stay, he can have "visitation" with me every other weekend.

Right now I am tired again and going to bed early to try and make up some sleep. I am sore and I miss guyfriend. He is now 4 hours away and that is pretty far.

Doing Nothing

There is a woman in my neighborhood I pass by everyday and oftentimes she is sitting out on her porch doing nothing! I have seen this for many years and it has always stuck me. How can she do nothing? No book in hand, no craft project. She does smoke though.

This astounds me! I am always doing something. For instance, watching t.v. while knitting and during the commercials reading. When my husband was still alive I worked 20 hours outside the home and volunteered at least 10 hours weekly at the boys' school. Then I also volunteered with abused and neglected kids in my community. Since my husband's death my free time has dwindled even more. There just isn't any. A lot of my knitting only gets done while watching one of the boys play sports.

I am in the last push of the moving process and it seems as though it won't get done. I am so tired and ache all over. My bones and muscles hurt. The garage is almost finished but I still have to pack and somewhat clean the house. I think I will have to have the movers do some of the packing because it looks as though I will fall short. The buyers are coming for the inspection tomorrow and it'll be what it will be. I can only accomplish so much of this on my own (the story of my life as a widow). I have somewhat reached the point of not caring anymore and feeling numb.

I want to be like the woman I see on the porch - doing absolutely nothing except watch the cars and people go by. Is her housework actually completed? Doesn't she have bills to pay or some photos to put away in her album? I am envious of her ability to sit and only sit. I have done so much in the past years and am still doing too much. I just want to sit and sit doing absolutely nothing! Well, maybe sit and work on a jigsaw puzzle. That would kind of be like doing nothing.

Today I am thankful:

1. For the sounds of the insects that come out at night.
2. For being able to give some more scrap metal to another scavenger passing by today.
3. For the unbelievable customer service I received at Home Depot buying packing supplies - I was treated like a queen and considering I looked like hell that was a nice thing.
4. For the browning Lazy Susan flowers I saw that just a few days ago were vibrant and bright. The season is changing.
5. Applesauce and all things apple.

Very Rare Play Day

Having worked every weekend (sometimes all three days) for more than the past three months, I finally had a Saturday off, yesterday, although I did work Friday and then again today. I am so unused to this I almost didn't know what to do with myself! I went grocery shopping and then spent a few hours at an antiques show. I went last year and did not buy any of the glassware I collect because I was so worried about the finances. I remember telling myself a year ago that things would be better in the future, and that I would be able to afford some purchases when I returned this year.

I did get some items (after cutting a very good discount with one of the dealers). I would have liked to have been able to have gotten some of the larger and more rare pieces but again I told myself that next year it'll be better and hopefully I'll be able to get one then (something sure to look forward to).

Collecting my glassware gives me tremendous pleasure and I enjoyed talking to the antique dealers. I met a woman who has a large amount of my glassware which she sells in an antique mall as well as out of her home. It is good to have somewhat of a local source that I can go to in the future.

Despite our still perilous financial situation I allowed myself these purchases as a birthday gift - I turn 50 at the end of August and believe that surviving half a century deserves some award/recognition. I have also bought no clothing items in a year or much of anything for myself so felt a little less guilty for spending some money at the show. I've been able to pick up some pieces throughout the year when I come across them - my rule is that I'll get them if they are under $20.00 and most have only been about $10.00.

Anyway, it felt wonderful to browse at the show even though I was by myself. Last year that really upset me - I didn't even think about much it this year since I was having so much fun.

In the evening, despite great complaining by my oldest who wanted the car, I went out to dinner with my guy friend and his son. That was also very nice - just to be treated and waited on for a change. It was a casual place but the food (turkey melt, fries and side salad) were pretty darn tasty, especially after a fancy drink cocktail that was the evening's special. My guy friend indulged me in listening to me talk about the glassware I collect and looking at the pieces I purchased. I think I caught him yawning but I'll give him a break for that!

It was such a rare day to spend completely on myself (they are so few and far between with work and caring for the boys). As hard as it is, I have to start carving out more time for myself. My guy friend noticed my mood was much lighter and he also noted how much happiness I get from my little glassware collection. Just looking at it makes me smile! The rainbow of bright, cheery colors! My ex-husband got the collection we established together per our divorce agreement (over 100 pieces) but I now have 18 of my own! Part of the fun of going to antique shops, garage sales, etc. is in the hunt for a new piece. And there are plenty of the lower cost pieces out there to find - I don't need to spend $100.00. I kind of get a high from the searching and then bargaining process. It is also how I feel about knitting, my other passion. So I will really, really try to make an effort to incorporate both of those interests more frequently in my life.

Today at work I got through the eight hours much more easily (it was still hard) no doubt to having had a rare day of play.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the pretty much perfect summer day weather on Friday and again today.
2. For Queen Anne's Lace flowers by the side of the road.
3. For the folks who live in town and plant Sunflowers in their front yards!
4. For how the flowers and trees have that settled/mature summer look right now (at their peak).
5. That the three pound of ground turkey I made up into sloppy Joe's and tacos lasted all weekend and even through tonight. It is such a blessing to come home after working on my feet eight hours and not having to cook except to heat something up.

Another Friday Alone (Depressed, Lonely, Sad)

I am having a tough night, alone at home with the boys both out. I reluctantly let the oldest have the car to go to the movies because I work Sat. and Sun. I guess I am also feeling guilty at our probable move to an apartment, so I try and give in to the boys when I can. But the end result is that I am here stuck at home and reading isn't cutting it. I'm depressed and eating too many M & Ms. I had plans to go out with a friend and now wish I had done so as I work the rest of the weekend and next week will be spent on a final push in getting the house ready for showings. I signed the real estate listing contract today and I suppose am feeling down about that too. At the store today they had the Righteous Brother's Unchained Melody song playing over the intercom and I started sobbing. It is a beautiful song. It made me want to have the kind of relationship the words described.

I am too young, vibrant, intelligent, attractive, interesting, loving, caring, kind-hearted of a person to be alone on a Friday night like this. I want and need to share my life with a committed partner. The boys are only growing older and will be off to college before I know it. I do not want to be having this same discussion with a blog post five years from now - complaining about being sad and lonely!

I would like to feel wanted and desired. To have a male companion who values his time with me and is eager to hear what I have to say about life and the world. I should and need to be out on a dinner date sipping a glass of wine right now. But then there is this part of me that is stuck in this depressive mode saying that it won't happen. I'm too old, my chance is over, I blew it with husband #2, there is something wrong with me, no on will want me now that I've failed financially, etc. and all that. I go back and forth between the two like I'm on a swing, from feeling high to low.

Part of the problem is that I have come to believe that it is much harder for widowed moms to date and socialize than divorced moms. That is my opinion because we're doing all the parenting and have less free time to spare. I also think that we're more drained and sometimes don't want to go out because of that.

That line I hear all the time about love finding you when you're not looking and least expect it is pure bunk! I didn't look for love for 2 1/2 years after my husband died and didn't have a date until I registered online with a dating service and started putting myself out there. It takes such energy to date and build relationships here in mid-life and as an only parent.

Tonight I gave the van to my son out of the goodness of my heart. It was a sacrifice on my part. But I think I need to be concentrating on myself every once in a while or I may just end up a bitter, mean-spirited old woman who yells at little kids for cutting through her yard and even watches for them out her window, ending up scaring them and having then call her a witch. I don't think this is a real likely scenario but you never know - I need to recharge and regroup too if only to maintain my sanity.

I haven't had much time to devote to myself at all since my husband's death and maybe I need that more that I need a date right now. Some selfish time for healing, reflection, and doing whatever I want to do when I want to do it (within reason of course). E.g., I wish I'd thought of going along with my son to the movies - I could have sat in another show while he and his friends saw the teen flick they wanted! Or go out to lunch, browse in an antique shop, start knitting a new pattern.

And maybe this is just one of those low points that will pass in a day or two and I need to ride out the storm until I see the clouds break. What makes this really crummy is that being a widow with virtually no support, yes there are times it is overwhelming and I feel down and out. But the only way out is to climb out myself - there is no one beside me holding out their hand and saying, "Here, let me give you some of my strength." I'm already depleted, depressed but it'll have to be me who gives myself a hand in order to get out of this. And that aspect of this life is the ultimate irony. To be in a place where I need help but I only have myself to rely on - and when you're at a low point, purely funcitioning on a minimal level is almost a miracle in and of itself.

So, to recap, this is what I've gotten out of all my gibberish:
- I don't want to live the rest of my life alone (without a committed partner)
- it is hard to find a committed partner when you're a widowed mom
- I need to start caring for myself or I might become a witch/bitch
- I'm a valuable woman, deserving of a partner and with a whole lot of good stuff to give that I want to give
- There are times when I'm going to be down simply because of my current life situation because I am not yet a Saint
- It is unbearably difficult to have little support and to have to rely on my own strength to constantly pick myself up, move on and get out from under the funk
- I still have to keep living with or without another husband/partner by my side - I have to try and find fulfillment and happiness in my life

Today I am grateful:

1. That I got to hear the Unchained Melody song.
2. That the kitchen light was fixed and we have a bright kitchen again!
3. That I got the right tool needed to cut out some carpet that I need to do in the family room.
4. For my cats who lie in my lap while I am reading.
5. For the opportunity to go to bed early tonight.