Sick of Strength

I've heard variations of the "Strength" platitude over and over - "You've got to stay strong," or "You're so strong." These are always from individuals who have someone to lean on. Easy to say this stuff when you can crash every once in awhile and let someone else carry the load.

I'm not strong. Just because I've handled a lot of hardship doesn't make me stronger than others. I've just had to deal with a larger share of problems. Believe me, if I could, I would not be handling all this. I do it because I have to and I do it alone because I don't have a choice.

There is this stupid belief out there that strength builds character and we become better for having survived hardship. I don't believe this anymore. In fact, I don't believe any of those platitudes we've been raised on anymore. As time goes on, or at least now, I find the constant strength in having to rise to every occasion solo, is just draining me and leaving me more bitter. Forget about becoming wiser and stronger. Here is a quote by the businessman J.C. Penney that illustrates this:

"I am grateful for all of my problems.
After each one was overcome,
I became stronger and more able to meet those that were still to come.
I grew in all my difficulties."

Well, I've reached the point where I'm not feeling very grateful for my problems. And I've reached the point where I don't want to meet anymore. I don't like this life and I don't want to be living it as it is panning out anymore. I read all these inspirational quotes where I should greet each day, even the hard ones, with joy in my heart and gratefulness for being here and all of that. But if I were to say that I thought that, I'd be lying.

Feeling very, very weary and drained. Got through the debacle with the van being towed and its flat tire and all only to face a week later, another flat tire. Then some tickets for failure to not have a city vehicle sticker (which I didn't know we needed). And so it goes... More to face and handle. More energy that gets chipped away from my heart and soul.

My son received acceptances into two of the five colleges he applied at. Receiving those letters with the "Congratulations on your acceptance..." took a little bit of the sting away from the bad news that happened.

I'm tired of being strong. It is okay to be weak. In a marriage or partnership or close family there are opportunities to sometimes let others carry the load. I think I've reached my limit. I feel my back finally breaking.

I'll get up tomorrow and do the stuff of living I have to do. But it is like going through the motions. It is easy to be positive and motivated when things are going well. Seems impossible now to feel joy when there is so much discouragement and my spirit is sagging. My strength is tapped out.

As I write these feelings out, I realize that along with the stupid platitudes, there comes the guilt for not being able to be strong. Because when people tell you to keep on being strong, it is expected that you'll keep your chin up and do just that. Where are the platitudes for failing gracefully or not being able to keep up? Platitudes aren't realistic. What is real, is the realization that people will sometimes fail and fall. I want a platitude that gives me permission to feel the honest feelings I'm having about discouragement, exhaustion, bitterness and weakness. I need a platitude that gives me some direction on what to do when too much strength has actually ended up making me weak.

Baseball Summer Blues

I have not posted in a while. The past two weeks of living on a wing and a prayer took a great deal out of me. We made it - but the toll on me worry wise was a big price to pay. I seem to have reached my limit of only parenting. I'm not sure I can go on like this much more. I asked my close girl friend if she would consider having my oldest stay with her next year so he can finish as a senior at his current school and I'll move out-of-state with my youngest back with Sam. Yes, it has gotten that bad and bleak for me to be ready to throw in the towel. There are a couple kids I know of whose families have moved but they've stayed on to finish with their class. I would pay room and board for my son.

Unfortunately, my friend told me "no" as she starts a new job teaching at the high school since she was transferred from the middle school due to budget cuts. She is worried about being able to handle her two high schoolers and the new job. Then, her ex-husband recently lost his job. If he doesn't find work by August, their oldest son, a junior in college, will be unable to room at his school in Chicago. She anticipates that he will have to live at home next year and commute into the city. The family lives in a small home and she feels it will be too tight if my oldest also stays with them.

I am disappointed. Because the prospect of continuing to struggle here on my own for another two years seems insurmountable to me right now. I am just too tired, too drained and too hopeless to keep on trudging on my own. Parenting solo has been tremendously hard for me at times. I almost feel as though I am a robot just going through the motions.

Tonight was a baseball game and it was difficult for me to get motivated to attend, then drive the 30-minutes to get my youngest there. At least some of the moms talked to me tonight and inquired as to how we are all doing. Here I live in such a lovely and quaint town. Driving through our downtown on the way home, we passed the band shell with the Thur. night summer concert going on. I miss attending such functions and events. What good is it living here if I can't afford to do anything and I am too self-conscious to attend a band concert on my own?

I am lonely, depleted and sad. I am so tired from having to handle day-to-day life on my own and be responsible for the boys 24-7. I haven't had a break or a vacation in years.

I met a lovely older woman at the game - she was the paternal grandmother of one of the players. She and I spoke about widowhood as she lost her husband 9 years ago. She is still grieving and greatly misses her spouse. At one point, her daughter, one of the nicer baseball moms interrupted us and pointed out, "She has been raising her boys on her own the past seven years!" It was nice to have someone recocnize and acknowledge this. Because at this point this only parent is just about tapped out.

Taking a Break from Grief, Growth & Healing

This Law of Attraction theory is freaking me out. Here is the text of an email I recently received from inspirational author Lissa Coffey's daily message on "CoffeyTalk.com."

"What you focus on, you will experience.

When you talk about "what is" or "what was," even if you're just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future. If you ask more than you give thanks, you'll believe less in your own power. And if you insist that it's hard and that you're lonely, you'll find that it is, and you are.

Yet, ALWAYS, you can choose to focus on what's good."

So here I am complaining about my widowhood life and the crap going on at work. I seem surrounded by discontent and hardship. And I'm having so much difficulty trying to ignite some spark of hope. I'm just plain tired physically and mentally and I am convinced that that is playing a huge part. When you're fatigued, it is even harder to harness the energy needed to go forward more optimistically. I am noticing that it is easier to continue to complain than shore up my resources and take some action - in part because I am too drained on all cylinders.

I worry about The Law of Attraction and grief in general. Some of the material I have read promotes the bettering of our depressed/hopeless feelings asap. In other words, when we start feeling down and out, even if relates to the death of a loved one, we're supposed to try and convert that energy toward less negative feelings and continue doing so as though we're climbing up a ladder. There was an exercise on this involving a daughter whose father had died. And the entire process took place in a matter of moments!

I think about the grieving process for me which lasted a good year after the death of my husband and then for more than a year after my divorce. I couldn't just wipe my grief and depression away. And I needed the times that I spent in that horrible, dark, dank, smelly, wet cave when there was no possible way I'd even be able to see a lit match directly in front of my face!

All the acknowledgment about the need for having to walk through our grief into the pain. How can that occur if we're just bypassing our feelings in an effort to be less negative?

But the real question I have for the experts on this theory is this: what happens to all of us actively grieving on whatever level we're at? We're continuously thinking and acting on depressed and negative emotions. If the theory says that we get back what we're thinking of, what happens during the intense periods of grief? Does more come our way or are we given a pass because of our circumstances? Do we all prolong the time and intensity we are grieving because of this law?

I'm sick of grieving. I'm sick of my efforts to grow, heal and come to some answers about all the shit that has happened in my life. I need a break from reading books about The Law of Attraction. I continue to come back to the idea that concentrating on me for a few weeks or months would do me a great deal of good. Doing small and simple things for my benefit and pleasure and perhaps saying "no" more to my sons. Going to a movie or two. Drinking some more wine. Maybe reading nothing in the self-help section at all for a change! Being lazy, taking some nature walks. If I can find them in the storage shed, using the roller blades I bought myself after my husband died and then never used. You get the idea. Taking a break from not only grief but also healing.

I will not be able to take a break from the job search though. Today at work someone told me that over the summer there were nine CNAs working on the second floor and now there are only seven. I have come to the realization that there is no way I can get all the work done that needs to get done - it is unattainable. And for that reason I'll have to pack my bags and go elsewhere. I can't in good conscience work in such a poorly managed environment that ultimately ends up hurting those it is most supposed to help - the residents. I can quit tomorrow if I have to - the poor people at this facility are stuck there.

I'm praying that some "me time" will end up inspiring me and providing me with some energy so I can go out there and job hunt again. And that in the process some of my hope and optimism will also be restored.

Running Around in Circles

It is disconcerting to realize how much my work situation mirrors that of my widowhood. And even more to be living a life where I feel trapped and unable to escape my circumstances.

The problem with the job is pure and simple - there is just not enough staff. I have anywhere between 12 and 17 residents to care for depending on the floor. The actual caring of the residents isn't the issue - it is the logistics surrounding that care. On Friday, eight of my 12 residents required that I have assistance in getting them up out of bed into their wheel chairs. However, I spent countless wasted time running around hallways and entering rooms in an effort to locate another CNA to provide that assistance. Along the way I'd get nabbed by a nurse from another unit to take a resident to the bathroom or assist in some way. Then I'd be away from my residents longer than necessary. The deal is that I will be fired if I lift a person on my own and they fall or get hurt. I would also lose my CNA certification. In order to save time, most CNAs take that risk and transport residents requiring a two-person assist by themselves.

Bottom line is, while at work I feel as ineffective as I do at home parenting as an only parent or as a lover or with my finances. Running around in circles and falling woefully short.

God, is this going to be the story of the rest of my life? I worry that if it is so, I'm going to lose my mind! I can't keep at this where every corner of my life seems to be a miserable failure.

I leave work depressed and upset over everything I didn't get done - I'm worried I'll be fired for this. Then I get home to more running around in circles. This past week I've tried to solve a problem with one of my oldest son's acne prescriptions. There was a snafu between Walmart, the doctor, the drug company, which regulates the drug and then the insurance. I will spare you the details because it is a comedy of errors. But at the end, I threw up my hands and gave up. I can't solve this mess, nor should it be my responsibility to do so. There are people on the clock who should be figuring this out, not the poor mom without the time or energy.

This is the first time that I've given up on something since my husband's death. I've always worked it out in the past and figured it out. But I have reached a point where I am admitting defeat. It's like the seven year marriage itch they talk about. After all this time on my own, six and a half years, I've reached some point where I'm losing the resolve and strength I've possessed in the past. Admitting defeat and giving up.

I think there has to be balance in life. And when successes are missing, one's life becomes lopsided and hopeless. You feel like you just keep digging a hole to the center of the earth or like you're running around in circles endlessly.

I will give myself a few points of credit for at least not killing or physically harming anyone at work. That is a risk I will never take. Unfortunately, it resulted in one poor lady with only one leg never getting up out of bed on my shift because I could never locate a sling which is used for one of the equipment lifts. It is sad that she isn't coherent. If she was, I think the nursing home would be hearing about it and having some hell to pay.Show all

Snapped Rubber Band

I have come to believe that people have a breaking point in regard to how much grief, loss and pain they can take. At some point, the rubber band has stretched too far, too thin, too many times and it snaps. I guess the next question is, what happens after that? The rubber band is usually tossed in the trash, no longer salvageable. And what if there isn't a replacement at the ready?

I've been catching the new ancestry show on NBC, "Who Do You Think You Are?" that airs on Friday nights. A few weeks back, the show was about Brooke Shields. Many years ago, I remember reading that the familial relationship between Brooke's mother and grandmother was strained. So in this episode, Brooke wanted to see if she could uncover some information about her grandmother to help explain this.

She found that her grandmother had lost her mother at age 10 and then lived a life involving hardship and poverty in New Jersey. Her grandmother was forced to become sister and mother to her siblings. Some years later, another tragedy occurred when one of the brothers died in a drowning accident - I think he was about 13.

With the cameras rolling on Brooke, she processed this information with amazing clarity and insight. She related that she now had some compassion and understanding for her grandmother's situation, which until that point she had been totally unaware. Basically, she said that she could now comprehend her grandmother's ongoing negativity and bitterness. She said something to the effect that people can only take so much and perhaps her grandmother's early losses had been too much to bear.

Recently at the bookstore I paged through a new book on grief that has come out. The significance in it is that there haven't been many recent studies on grief and loss so this one is getting some attention. It is titled, "The Other Side of Sadness." I would like to read it someday just for general knowledge but from what I can tell, I think the main premise by the author is that people are much more resilient than been given credit for in the past - I guess along the gist of people bouncing back and recovering and becoming happy again.

EXCEPT the author did concede that some of us do struggle harder and longer than others. Especially those who are dealing with loss along with financial issues. Another point raised was that people lacking strong support systems of family and friends are at a disadvantage because a great deal of emotional support is necessary, AS WELL as ongoing support to tackle ordinary household and everyday situations. The author additionally brought up the fact that some people are more naturally resilient and optimistic than others too, so personal makeup and genes do factor in also.

This was part of the point I was trying to make in my "Crazy Widow" post. That I can comprehend why and how some widows do seem to go off the deep end, withdraw or give up hope. It is a combination of so many factors.

I look back at my journey and am just now beginning to realize how disadvantaged I was even at the beginning of widowhood. My husband had been sick for three years so there was fatigue, sorrow, grief and loss that had existed for a number of years even before the actual death! That is another fact that I don't think people ever stop to realize or consider. For those long-term caregivers, the entire period leading up to the loss is almost its own period of transition, stress and strain. And you go from that to big time grief!

I won't belabor the point here. I've said what I want to say. The question and possibly the key I need to lock next is, so now what? The rubber band is in the garbage. Or put another way, what do you do when you desperately need a vacation but can't take one? How can a broken, drained, depleted and hopeless spirit be revived after it has snapped?

I don't think you can tell someone in this place to wait it out and give it time. Maybe time has run out. I think hope has to be built on hope. And when there is none there it may be a futile effort. So where does that spark come from when it can no longer be ignited from within?

Closing For Business

I have been doing a lot of contemplation and reflection on stopping this blog. This is due in part to my self-study about The Law of Attraction. I just can't seem to climb out of the pit of my negativity these days. And being positive and optimistic is key to the theory. I am worried that this blog transmits too much negativity out into the world and that is not something I want to be doing.

Basically, after a great deal of introspection, from a combination of grief therapy, self-work, reading and blogging, I have come to the earth-shattering conclusion that widowhood sucks. Which I actually find rather amusing in a way, because when I first started this blog, I wanted the title to be "Widowhood Sucks!" But I decided on the current one because I thought it was too negative and I wanted one more descriptive. So in the end, coming around full circle, all I've gotten from all of this work is the knowledge that I had when I started - that widowhood sucks big time!

My continuing to post about the issues in my life will just be variations on what I've already posted - the loneliness, heartache, physical, mental and emotional fatigue of this experience. I'm not sure that is amounting to good anymore, either for myself or others.

I am thinking about some ideas of where to go from here. Maybe I'll focus more on my experience of having to make a financial comeback in my life. Or the search for love. I am also trying to decide if I should give myself a month to be as miserable as I want to be - totally down and out. Or if I have to force myself to get on the bandwagon of positive thinking and hope. Or maybe I allow myself the misery followed by the hope.

Anyway, closing this down won't happen today or tomorrow because I still have some posts I want to relate about widowhood.

I'm letting the Universe help guide and direct me on this. The other day after I got my taxes filed I went into a local book store down the street from H & R Block. I wanted to check out a book that had been recommended to me. On the way in, one of the sale/last chance books caught my eye. It was a birthday/horoscope book and I flipped to the page with my birth date.

The description informed me that my life's challenge is to overcome my negativity. That my goal in life is to bring good to the world but that I can't do that by focusing on negativity. Now I know that I am a naturally pessimistic person - I've been so even as a little girl. But I found these words a personal message to me. They did serve as a sign since they were so in line what I have been thinking and worrying about.

Finally, A Break At Last!

First of all, I am very grateful for the kindness and support received from those leaving responses the past few days. I will try and comment on your individual responses but am still feeling sick so may not get to it today - I'll try for tomorrow afternoon.

There is finally some good news. I called the State this morning and have been advised that I can still maintain the insurance - it renews and has to be re-qualified for in a year. So that is the biggest load off my shoulders! Having insurance for the boys has no doubt been the biggest worry I have faced the past couple of years - and it is the number one worry I have had. At least that can now be put to rest for the time being.

I've thought long and hard about this job. It is not the best fit for me but I need to work. It is also extremely physically and emotionally draining. For that reason, I called in today and requested that I go down to part-time hours until the boys are out of school. Then I can reassess the situation and go from there. This way, I can work and it will be less physically and emotionally taxing on me and the boys. And I can use some of the days off to look for another, more suitable position. And I can devote the time to clearing out the storage sheds once and for all now that the weather is warm and mild enough to do so. I feared that if I continued to work full-time, I would end up a basket case and be so exhausted I'd have no energy for anything on my days off but catching up on my sleep.

In a way, making this decision was one based totally on what I want and need. I don't love this job. It is difficult for me to motivate myself to go. But at the same time I want to make an effort at it - hopefully I'll feel more comfortable with more experience. I've never not worked in my life. I have worked since my preteen years. Actually, my first job was in second grade selling seeds and Christmas cards door-to-door. I worked for almost all my own clothing in high school and put myself entirely through undergrad and grad school. I did not receive a penny from my parents for my undergrad college! So, I have been working hard for a long time.

It is just when I was widowed that it became hard to work and parent on my own. Just not enough hours in the day and too much to do. Working part-time is my preference if possible because I have trouble doing it all on my own. My requesting part-time hours is the one concession I can give to myself knowing how hard it is to run a household and parent solo. I know myself and my limitations. It will still be hard working part-time. But at least not as hard. and maybe once I get into the swing of things it won't be as hard increasing my hours. Or I can work more over the summer months and cut back again when the boys go back to school.

I am glad I stood up for myself but feeling upset at all the anguish that has existed in my heart and soul over the past days worrying about this issue. Part of it is the fact that I live alone and don't have an adult partner or even family member to turn to when this stuff comes up. It is bearing the brunt of the unknown alone. And that increases the anxiety and stress. No one is around to say, "Hang in there. It'll be okay. Let's put this to rest right now and watch some mindless t.v. to take our minds off it." Sometimes it is impossible to distract oneself despite the best intentions. This is one of the advantages of living with someone. Having someone around who cares about you and to physically and emotionally lean on is worth its weight in gold.

For now, I am working hours that I think are manageable and I have insurance for my family. My hope has been restored. The new L. L. Bean catalog came today and for a moment I let myself imagine buying a bright lime green blazer and short blue chino skirt that I'd look good in. It has been so long that I've allowed myself the luxury of such fantasy. And that felt good - no it felt great. Much, much better than the dismal feelings of failure, doom and gloom that have been floating around in my mind the past days!

I think being sick has not helped and I am still fighting whatever it is I got. I just do not feel myself or up to snuff. It doesn't help going into work and trying to orientate to a new job when you don't feel well. And it has probably contributed to the worry and anxiety. I am sure being under the weather increased my feelings of despair and depression. I hope I will kick these lingering feelings of malaise in the days ahead - I still have to work but I think the relief I feel knowing that we still have insurance will let me relax more and deal with going back to work better. I would say that when you're sick there isn't much spare energy left to boost your mood and morale up. You're already physically down and that is where your mood kind of remains too.

Thank you all again for listening and caring. I hope if anything, that what this has accomplished is for others out there to realize how desperate and necessary the issue of affordable health care for struggling families and individuals is and has become.

Broken

I once asked my grief counselor if people reach a point of no return in what they can handle, when it becomes too much to bear and they just can't go on. I'm not sure how she answered, I don't recall it now.

This bout of getting sick has pushed me under the water. I am struggling to get my footing and head back up above the waves. My physical symptoms are much improved but my emotional health is suffering. I feel as though I am drowning. It is like I am only going through the motions of life right now.

I should be thrilled with my new job but it is awful. Grueling and ugly. None of the CNAs are practicing the rules of safe hygiene we learned such as washing your hands after working with a resident. Some don't wash their hands or wear gloves. I've been told to forget everything I learned about being safe in my training. If I want to get my work done on time, I'll need to take shortcuts. In our orientation we were told that there are CNAs on staff for 10 plus years who do not want to help newcomers. One of the nice young women in training with me brought that topic back up with a vengence. "Why," she asked, "would employees be unwilling to lend a hand when there are times two people are needed to transport a resident?" The nursing superviser just kind of shrugged her shoulders and said some of the employees might feel threatened. The young woman replied that that was terrible as she shook her head disapprovingly. There are some residents who weigh 400 and 500 pounds, so obviously CNAs will need to work together.

On my second day of being on the floor shadowing an experienced CNA, the male CNA I was assigned to, a mature, middle-aged man working two jobs to support three sons in college, did not want me tagging along and pushed me onto a female co-worker. I guess he thought I'd slow him down.

The writing is on the wall. I felt it the first day. I need to get a job asap in my regular, professional field of social services. That is where I belong and where I best fit in. I rode up the elevator one day with a young woman from the social services dept. and I asked her if she'd mind telling me what her background/training was. She said she had worked her way up to her job but then refused to speak with me any further.

I'm glad I didn't return to work before feeling better. As it stands now, I'll give it my best shot. I will say the days go by quickly. But a number of the CNAs don't take their breaks or lunch, working longer than 8 hours straight through and I will not do that. It is not healthy and if these aides can't get their work loads done to allow for a legitimate 30-minute lunch, then something is really wrong with the system, not the aides. And I won't pay that kind of price for a $10.00 an hour job. I don't return to work until the weekend so I hope my health and spirit is restored by then.

Right now it just appears that there is no end to this hardship. Yes, I got a job but that means we'll lose the medical care we're getting from the state. Now I'll have to pay for it out of pocket again and that means half my salary will be going toward health insurance. My accountant charges $750.00 dollars to prepare a tax return for someone who has sold their home. I am hoping to make a payment arrangement with him in installments. Car insurance is due in mid-April for $600.00 because I put my oldest back on the policy since he needs to start driving again because I am at work. I still haven't paid the remaining payment due to my bankruptcy attorney but it appears filing is probably my only option at this point. I need to pay a $50.00 volleyball fee and get my son new volleyball shoes. He used a hot glue gun to reattach the sole on his shoe that had separated. And the little stick shift sedan I drive needs four new tires to the tune of $300.00. The broken futon my oldest sleeps on will cost $75.00 for the guy to come out and reassemble the bad parts.

The taxes, health insurance and car insurance are overwhelming me on top of my going back to work. Any one of them is enough of a worry. But all of them combined along with just the normal everyday stuff to get through - sports injuries, clothes to be washed, team uniforms to keep track of, making sure there is enough for the boys to eat... And then I'm just supposed to be positive, optimistic and grateful besides! I've reached my limit. The weight has become too much to bear. People can only hold up the burden so long before they begin to break.

Sometimes I have been criticized for bringing up the long litany of my hardships - husband died, son diagnoised with major heart ailment, parents needed help, got remarried, mother died, had to clean out parents' home, divorced, had to sell and relocate. But the reason I've brought that up is I guess to prove to myself that I've reached my personal limit. I don't have the reserves, the strength, the energy or even the hope anymore to keep going like this on my own. All that other stuff brought me down. I've never recovered or regained the energy needed to keep at it in full force. I'm depleted, just shuffling along. What is the point? IRS, go ahead and send me to jail. Creditors try to drain blood from a turnip. All I am is a defeated, tired and drained middle-aged mom who just wanted to be married and raise a happy family. And for the past six years valiantly struggled to be there for her dying Mom and her two young sons when no one else gave a damn about those two wounded souls.

What does someone like me do when you reach this point? I have no one to call, no where to go, no one to lean on during this particularly thorny period of prickles and thistles. I have to keep walking through Hell, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Yes, I've heard all that. I need to take a load off and there is no chair to sit in.

Update: I called H & R Block and am going in to meet with them tomorrow. They will prepare the filing and if it is too much I can take back my records and don't have to pay. They gave me a quote of $170.00 so I am going to try and see what happens there.

Bottom of the Barrel

If I have learned anything about grief and loss it is that life can be out of our control at times. Yes, we can control some things - but not everything, no matter how much we try or want the outcome to be. Life doesn't always flow according to our plans or desires. We remarry and have faith again in the future. But all the faith and love in our heart amounts to nothing when our partner refuses to consider reconciling and proceeds ahead with a divorce. We hope to meet a partner healthy enough to love and share our life with. We find one but the relationship takes a turn because of a blasted Recession and the need to move to relocate for employment. So in the end, all we are able to control is our reaction to these events - we can't change how someone feels about us - we can't hope and wish that someone hasn't been forced to move for employment. As much as we love and need someone, when they are dying we can't save them.

I am not a person who gets on well on my own. I thrive on living in a partnership and do not want to trod through the rest of my life alone. I have wanted to be remarried and will continue to want this. Of course that doesn't mean I am just going to get remarried for the sake of being married. I married Husband #2 because I truly loved him and thought it would be a successful partnership. Likewise, my decision to be with GF would have to pass the same criteria.

The thought of having to live by myself and get the boys through high school and then college on my own seems insurmountable to me right now. We are at the bottom of the barrel. I am at a place of having to start over virtually from scratch. Thoughts of eviction, not being able to pay the rent, not having enough money for food, the urgency I face in having to find work are worries and anxiety that now appear endless.

There are no perfect men out there. Husband #1 wasn't a God. We had our problems in our marriage - at one point very early on I even considered divorce. I've gone on after a devastating remarriage and divorce to meet another guy with whom I've gotten along very well. Despite numerous kinks in the road we've managed to hang in there and grow. Our relationship has demonstrated far more more tolerance and commitment than what was experienced in my second marriage. We are both starting over. Certainly not the most ideal circumstances in which to marry or move in together. But I've come to believe is there ever a good time? Who knows what is ahead for any of us. All I know is what I have right now and the picture in my head is grim.

Being able to share life including the burdens and better times is what it is all about for me. That is when I feel alive and am happy. I haven't been very "happy" since my husband's death. There have been little snippets of happiness but overall, when life is a constant grueling grind that is what you end up feeling - defeated, lonely, alone, sad, uninspired, hopeless. How can anyone keep on going with faith in their heart when that is the underlying feeling? The smiles and laughter are fleeting because the scale is unbalanced. When there is more hardship than anything else that is what permeates your feelings and ultimately influences your outlook on the present and future. The bad stuff has more power and it wins the match.

There has been too much hardship in my life of late. Maybe if my path had been different I'd feel stronger or more empowered. But right now I seem to have reached my personal limit as to what I am able to continue to handle on my own. Marriage isn't some instant cure all or easy street. I know that and accept it. But working together and having someone by your side to face life with makes a tremendous difference in the day-to-day quality of it.

What is going to be served by me continuing to suffer so? Is my health and sanity less important than my oldest continuing to play volley ball the next two years?

Is it better to admit defeat graciously and take the option/solution offered even though it isn't ideal? Or is it better to keep struggling to try and ensure a status quo for your kids when doing so appears impossible at the moment? What if I just can't do this anymore? Does that make me a bad mother, a bad person?

To have to balance emotional and social needs against the ones that are ultimately most important and basic - a roof over one's home and food on the table. I cannot currently provide dental care for my children; I am pretty sure I will need to cancel the health insurance at the end of this month; it will be the second Christmas in a row that I am unable to afford gifts for the boys; there isn't enough money left over from the pension for food - whatever I am able to buy comes from the hours I work at the big box store that are not constant or reliable.

I have to think of all the outcomes and potential realities. What if one of the cars or both break down? How will I afford the repairs? What if we cannot pay the rent? Where will we go and what will we do? Would that experience be better for my sons than having to move and at least have a home, medical/dental care and enough food and clothing? Forget the Christmas gifts - I just want to have the mere basics here - all that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs stuff. You can't live without the basics of food, water, feeling protected and shelter. Take it from one who knows and has been there - all of your focus is on surviving and there is nothing left for living and joy. I know in my heart that this isn't the way - we are meant to experience joy and happiness too. Hopefully our lives balance between the hardships and joys.

What does my poor, sad story mean or amount to anyway? The world goes on without stopping or seeing. I am just an insignificant blip on the bigger screen. Today people will be more focused on Oprah's announcement concerning the last airing of her talk show than the fate of our little trio. Our plight is invisible and even if it were more apparent, I'm not sure it would matter. When you are alone like this is is up to you to take the reigns and find the way. It is only you - even when you have reached your personal limit and can't go on any longer.

So, after all these random thoughts, reflections and musings what have I really wanted to say from all this - what is brimming from my heart? It is this - the utter pain at not being able to adequately provide for my children is slowly killing me. There is no greater pain that anyone can feel. You could add up all the grief and loss I have experienced from the death of my husband, then the divorce, followed by losing my house and it would not come close to the depths of pain I am now feeling. And secondly, it has not been the grief from death or divorce that has crushed me. It has been having to face and live life on my own. Some of us do not have the personalities or stamina to do this well.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

I got to thinking about this topic after reading the post of a widow who has an advice type blog, which I read. She has a tough love, Dr. Phil kind of attitude in regard to widows feeling sorry for themselves. Although I try to get through my days in as positive frame as possible, there are moments that I do allow myself to feel tragically sorry for myself. And what of it? Why is it such a big deal for widows to have periods of being down about their situations?

I remember my second husband getting terribly annoyed with me for griping about the hardships of my life. Then, my therapist kindly pointed out that I was merely describing my day, which I had a right to do. It just so happened that my days were filled with a lot of hardship. Merely relating them to him was not actually griping, which he took it to be. But anyway, say I had been doing so - why is that looked upon so negatively by the general population? Why are widows supposed to be able to constantly rise above their situations and present themselves to the world as stalwart survivors?

Some days it would be nice to put aside the strength and smiles and show my true self to the world. I'd skip the shower, throw on rumpled clothing and present a grim and glum demeanor. That is sometimes how I feel inside even when there is a smile on my face.

I guess I just don't understand why the widowed can't be allowed the indulgence of some occasional self-pity. The world hasn't been lining up at my door offering much compassion or understanding. And it seems to me from the blogs I read here, that those widowed are doing their best to get through their days. Some days may be better than others but all are trying to live bravely on.

What is so bad about self-pity anyway? I haven't come across anyone whom seems mired in it. Why would people be against the widowed providing themselves a little empathy? "Poor me." I am poor right now in spirit and wealth. Why should I pretend otherwise? Yes, I am grateful for what I have but I also have a right to be despondent over what I don't.

I'm raising this topic because I have found on my widowhood journey that the world hasn't provided much sympathy and I have been criticized for "not getting over it sooner" and complaining too much about my life as a widow, etc. It is actually one of the reasons I wanted to start blogging - so I could have more contact with others in my situation.

It is interesting that the woman whose blog started my thoughts about this ended one of her posts by stating that so many of us widows seem to need outside validation for what we are feeling. I agree with her on this that I have felt that way. I have needed and wanted to connect with other widows to know that my feelings haven't been out in left field or that I've been unreasonable/crazy. But she makes the point that none of us should need this validation. Our feelings are what they are and we should not dismiss them or not hold them to be true unless someone else agrees with them.

So on that note, I am going to take her line of reasoning (whether it ends up being contradictory or not) and say to myself that self-pity is okay. It is where I am. I have a right to feel it. And to even wallow in it! When I compare what other women fret and moan about (chipped manicures, not being able to match up curtains exactly to the furniture slipcovers) I think I'm way entitled.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the rainy weather today. I love the rain as much as the sun. I think the rain slows us all down a bit and that is needed in our lives once in awhile.
2. For the cooler temperature.
3. For Brown-Eyed Susan flowers.
4. For the fall mums being planted at places of business and even at the high school. They brighten my day even in the rain.
5. For having enough gas in the tank to get to work and back today (I hope - payday isn't til tomorrow).

Disillusionment

Am continuing to feel pretty down and out. Although I have sad thoughts running through my head I am at least cleaning up the house in anticipation of putting it on the market next week. I went and rented a small storage locker today and moved a great deal of excess from the house and garage into it. I had been trying to go through all the clutter in the home but found it was taking too long. At least it is now out of the house. My plan is to go to the storage locker and bring one box or bag home at a time to go through in the future. To try and accomplish a house full of bags and boxes is too much for me. I already feel a great sense of relief to have some of it out - and more will be gone tomorrow. I need to keep my life as manageable as possible and this is a way that I think I can handle the cleanup without being overwhelmed.

Other thoughts that have surfaced are that it is hard enough being a widow, but a poor widow at that is even worse! I keep thinking about the comfortable life I would be living right now if I had moved to my ex-husband's town and we hadn't divorced. I am especially worried about possible what ifs - what if the van breaks down, how will I afford college for the boys in a few years, how much of a down payment will I need to rent an apartment, what if the house doesn't sell???? I am scared because I don't have someone to rely on if something really bad goes wrong.

This weekend I have to get my youngest to a baseball game on Sat. (he'll be able to walk to the other two he has to play in) and then my oldest is in a volleyball tournament. I will have to ask someone to drive him home on Sat. and both ways on Sunday. My youngest will need a ride home on Sat. There is just so much pressure, at least for me, to have to rely on others for transportation since I will be at work. I am overcome with sadness that my family has exhibited such little concern for us. My ex-husband has stopped communicating with me again without an explanation (his usual pattern).

All of these thoughts are tumbling around in my head and my heart is so heavy. I do want to give myself at least a little credit for working on the house and doing the best I can to move forward even though my grief is pretty strong right now. Tomorrow, if my down mood continues I am going to have to work on the strategy I wrote about in yesterday's blog - focusing on love to push through grief.

Today I am grateful:

1. For frozen mini pizzas on sale for $1.00 each - they are pretty tasty.
2. For 75 cent Banquet brand potpies - cheap and tasty.
3. That my boys are so handsome and tall.
4. That it has been raining and not snowing.
5. For the birds chirping in the morning.

Still Falling

The reason we were denied state health insurance coverage is that with the part-time retail job I've taken on to try and save the house, I make too much income (about $200.00 over the qualifying limit; although that might have changed now since they've cut my hours). Anyway, to get insurance through my pension plan will cost $600.00 a month! So, I don't have many options available to me except to go without insurance for the time being. I don't care about myself - it is the boys I have concern about.

I guess I can also consider quitting the job; asking them to reduce my hours for the next month so I can reapply for the state coverage; keep looking for full-time work. All of this is daunting because it is on top of the worry I carry around every day about our situation, not to mention that I still have to figure out if the house can be sold and if I file for bankruptcy. Handling this all on my own in addition to caring for the boys and trying to keep up the minimum with the house (plus cooking) just seems overwhelming right now.

I would not wish this life on anyone. It seems so unfair that a family already devastated by the death of their husband/dad would have to continue to endure such struggles.

I'm passing on the gratitude list today because I just need to be with my sorrow.

Hitting Bottom (Again)

Woke up this a.m. to see an odd site in the front lawn - we were "forked" with dozens of white, plastic forks stuck into the newly mowed grass! I figured it was some kids who know the boys. I love that they are popular but it can be a double-edged sword. We've gotten t.p.ed by girls trying to get the attention of my youngest; egged by some boys jealous of my oldest. Then tonight, my oldest called me while I was still at work around 10:30. He was very unsettled and reported that someone had dumped ketchup on the driveway and thrown oatmeal on the car. I know it is still probably kids who know the boys but it is bothersome. The pranksters who did the forking did so right outside my open window last night and I did not hear a thing.

I guess where this is all leading tonight is that I am simply tired of living on my own as an only mom. I want a male presence around to help make me feel safer and secure. I've just worked eight hours and it is late. Now I have to come home and face such silliness. I don't have the energy or good humor anymore to deal with this kind of stuff. I wish I could laugh it off and make light of it. But at this time there are too many other problems to face and this kind of thing really puts me over the edge.

Oh, and to top it all off, in the mail was a rejection letter denying the boys state medical insurance coverage. And darn it that Monday is a holiday because now I'll have to worry about all this another day before getting some kind of answer. In the past five years the absolutely worst feeling I have had has been when I have not been able to provide for my boys adequately. To be facing no insurance right now is extremely upsetting to me. I have no choice but to look for another job that will enable me to have coverage. I am scheduled to work only 19.5 hours next week, way below the 35 I was originally promised.

I have really hit another low point and slump. It is hard for me to feel hopeful and many of my thoughts are focused on how I should have moved out of state sooner with my second husband instead of choosing to delay the move to care for my dying Mom. But of course I didn't have a crystal ball to see into the future. Never in a million years when I first got married and had the boys would I have believed this would have been my destiny. Nor would I have believed that after remarrying, my second husband would dump us and leave us in financial and emotional tatters.

Today I am taking a break from my grateful/thankful list on purpose. I am tired and have to go back to work again tomorrow morning. I hope I can sleep some of this sadness off. I wish my life was not such a struggle and hardship right now. I keep thinking I've hit my bottom but then I hit an even lower point so I guess I'm still not there yet. But I'm not sure there is any lower point to go from here - we're pretty darn low!

My friend says that I cannot dwell on the past and what might have been because it is over and no longer an option. He says I have to focus on the future. Easier said than done.

I Just Want My Old Life

I want my old life back - I don't want to be living this new life anymore. I want things to be the way they used to be. When I was married I had security, safety and financial stability. I was part of a team and felt like I fit into my community. This new life has been depleting, draining and devastating. I can't think of anything good that has resulted from my husband's death. I feel alone and depressed. Handling everything on my own (over the years) has become harder, not easier. I honestly wish there were some way I could resign from this life, like I was at a job. Hang up the work apron and say, "I've had it, I can't take this anymore." I don't want this life - I just want things to be the way they were when my husband was alive. The advice is to move on with your life. But how do you do that when living is just so hard and you're so tired? The other problem is that I had a good life before and I can't just erase those memories and make them disappear. Of course I am going to compare my current life with my old one. Of course I am going to want to have what I had before because it was better. It scares me to no end to imagine my life not improving and for me to have to continue with this struggling. I wish I were a more optimistic person and able to say that I am looking forward to the future and all the riches it will bring. But right now I only want to go back to what I knew and remember because it was a decent life and I was happy.

Today I am grateful:

1. For Peanut M & Ms (I wish I had some right now - that super-sized bag).
2. For Strawberry Twizzlers (I also wish I had that super-sized package right now).
3. For soft pillows to rest our heads on after long, hard days.
4. For friends who worry that you are okay and call because you have been too busy to keep in touch.
5. For my boys.

One Day at a Time

I'm in a terrible low - just not sure what to do, where to go, how to get on with the rest of my life. I have to figure out a plan for a job but am worried my Master's in Psych won't end up paying the bills or cover the boys for college in a few years. So what do I do now? No one seems to have any answers. I think all the people I've been talking to at the career counseling centers don't have a clue. When I got my masters I was married and only wanted to work part-time - I never expected to have my husband die and that I'd end up being the main bread earner. If I had had a crystal ball I would have taken another course of study - most likely in education. But that is all a moot point now.

I need a daytime job with regular set hours. Psych jobs are often only in the evenings or on weekends to accommodate client's daytime school and work hours. I need benefits - we don't have medical insurance. My van has almost 100,000 miles on it. I am worried about those factors too. It is like I have finally hit my bottom. Most mornings I still wake up with a migraine and I know I have been dreaming about Husband #2. I remain haunted by the end of my marriage and the utter cruelty of my husband which I now think boarders on the brink of being emotionally violent.

I am in foreclosure and the threat of losing the house hangs over me like I'm caught in a dark, dense fog that I cannot escape. I have a couple close friends who have been there for me but my family is emotionally distant (my sister has not spoken to me since Thanksgiving and has offered no support in regard to the divorce). That hurts almost as much as being abandoned by Husband #2.

I know you're not supposed to talk or think or feel like this because in our society the message is not to complain but buck up and cope. Even my friends are uncomfortable when I'm in this hopeless/helpless state. I just feel so alone and so tired from the many years of this. Almost like I've reached the limit as to what I can handle.

My Mom and I were very close and I know she would have been there for me with support and advice (especially about the financial stuff). My divorced friends have close families and I just feel like I'm hanging out here all by myself kind of like a flag on a flagpole that is getting tattered in the wind. People are quick to point out that there are many other single moms out there without any family handling things, coping and moving on with life. I'm just having a hard time and don't want my situation compared with others. My life story and personality are different and for whatever reasons I've reached a point here where I feel like giving up. What would happen if I ended up not doing anything from here on out? That would be an interesting concept to consider. Would the outcome be that much different than whatever I may do now consciously?

A friend was responding critically to my mood and I asked him how he thought I should be handling all of this. He told me to just try and live one day at a time. For me right now that might end up being one hour at a time because all I feel like is lying down in bed and not getting up.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the changing seasons.
2. For my education and advanced degree - they may end up taking my house but not that.
3. For my ability to feel, even though what I'm feeling right now is pretty bad.
4. For the pride I felt seeing my oldest at his volleyball meet - I have two great boys despite having suffered such hardship at young ages.
5. For the promise of another day and hopefully one that is less depressing.

The bottom has dropped out

Today it feels like a heatwave at 2 degrees, a massive improvement over yesterday's 16 degrees below! However, my dark mood has not lifted with the rise in temperature. If anything, it is even darker because I am now more fully aware of how deeply in financial trouble we are. I have the hit the bottom. With two weeks in the month to go, we don't have the money for groceries. I went out today returning unused items that I still had receipts for and came up with $15.00 back at Walmart (returned 7 skeins or yarn); $20.00 at Michael's (yarn & Christmas craft kits); $6.00 at JoAnn Fabrics (craft supplies) and finally $35.00 at Carson's (suede top and black & white jacket). With the later, I figured since I hadn't worn the items in a year and they still had the price tags on, it was fair game. Although they were both such bargains it was not easy.

Ramen noodles for lunch for all of us. Tonight I can get a $6.00 pizza. Next week I will be forced to investigate a food pantry. I have never been in this spot before. It is heartbreaking to have endured so much pain and suffering already and to have it just continue! Our road to ruin only took about 2 months.

I have a job counseling appointment on Tuesday. I am begging the Universe for strength to get me through this holiday weekend (Martin Luther King Day on Monday). I am still trying to come up with some money by making more returns because I am afraid of over-drafting. My goal is $200.00 and so far I'm at $75.00. I think it is time to put the house on the market even as I try to renegotiate the mortgage. I am scared and feeling alone and more vulnerable than I ever have. This is absolutely the lowest point of my life - even lower than than the death of my husband! I feel that I am failing my boys and I have failed myself.

My youngest added some levity to all of this by telling me that on February 22nd, IHOP will be serving free pancakes and at least we'll be able to eat then. I admire his strength and humor. Hopefully, by then I will be less desperate.

Again, it is hard for me to be thankful today but I am thankful:

1. That the bitter cold is ending.
2. That there are still things to eat in the house - maybe not what everyone wants but something.
3. That once you have hit the bottom there is no way to go but up.

Feeling a bit down & out

The schools were closed today in our town and surrounding areas because of the bitter cold. All in all, the winter weather has gotten me pretty dispirited on top of everything else. Not even my knitting is helping lift the doldrums. I braved the cold tonight and attended a sporting event that was not canceled. It has always been very hard for to sit in the bleachers on my own surrounded by other intact families. Lately, it has become worse because of the stress I am facing (financial hardship, possible foreclosure, looking for employment). Tonight as I saw women sitting beside their husbands, I kept thinking of how much easier it is to face problems when someone is going through it with you. I must handle all of this on my own (huge issues when you think about them - with one of many being the loss of my home and having to find another place to live for goodness sake!). Not living with another adult limits the opportunities I have to discuss my problems adding to the stress and strain.

Which leads to another observation - people really don't want to hear about the problems of others anyway and when you are honest and admit what is going on, you run the risk of being considered negative. How in the world can a woman with as much on her plate as is currently on mine not be at times despondent and negative? And angry I might add. People always rush in to offer words of Christian compassion but I'm not sure they are that helpful. Probably more helpful for the people saying them because they first of all don't know what to say and once they've been said, hopefully the topic can be changed to one less depressing. People also are just so uncomfortable with talking about hardship and grief. And don't you just love the attitude of "snapping out" of your bad mood? As if that can be accomplished so readily.

Here's the real scoop though - sometimes to be negative and despondent and despairing is the only way to be. Words of hope and encouragement are meaningless when someone is at such a low place. What would be more helpful is to have someone just listen and affirm the hardship. Doing so doesn't make things worse or more negative. It is acknowledging what is and the truth of the situation. Telling me that I'm negative is insulting to me and my reality. Likewise telling me to be more positive does nothing to change or improve the situation. What I need is someone to walk with me into the dark and to hold my hand until I can see some glimmer of light. That means not turning away when I want to talk about my troubles but to simply listen. And then to hear someone say it is o.k. to be scared and sad right now.

Today I am having a hard time being thankful but I said I would list at least three things a day so will do so now.

Today I am thankful:

1. That the boys and I are healthy.
2. That the house is warm.
3. That I have enough knowledge and understanding to know that the best thing for me right now is to feel my pain and not try to avoid or numb it. That walking with and through the pain is what will eventually get me to the other side where there is hope.