St. Louis Road Trip

The boys and I took a short road trip to St. Louis this past weekend, culminating with a tryout for American Idol on Tuesday for my oldest. I have just gotten to the point where I feel like going and doing things for the pure heck of it. No, my son didn't make it on to the finals but we weren't anticipating he would. We did it for the adventure, the experience and in hopes of him conncenting with people in the industry - not to mention, it gave us an excuse to finally go on a much-needed vacation, as it has been eight years for us without one.

My son was complimented whenever he sang, even by the Idol judges. He organized nightly sing-a-alongs at our hotel where the kids competing sang for the guests during Happy Hour. He also helped set-up the group to sing in the line while waiting to go in for the auditions - that was at 5 a.m., making it onto the local news and being taped by the Idol crew. I received some compliments by fellow moms about my two boys - how nice, well-mannered, handsome, friendly, good kids they are.

In just two days we went to the Arch, the zoo and a baseball game. Alot seen and done. It just was the tip of the iceberg for me. Now I realize that we need to make time in the future for these get-aways, even if they are local.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained," was the phrase that kept repeating in my mind during this trip. How many people can say they've been to an American Idol audition? I should add, that it is nothing like what ends up being seen on t.v. - all very staged and set up but still a neat experience. None of the 45 kids staying in our hotel made it forward, and I'd have to say most were extrodinary singers. I told my son that the majority of kids there were ones with good voices singing cover songs. But my son is composing instrumental and vocal pieces and has enough material to get a CD out right now. Every opportunity is another step along the way.

I even met a nice mom from Texas and she and I hung out together. That was unexpected but nice. I hope we can stay in touch. We've already received an offer from her to visit.

So all in all a great experience but tiring. At the Arch I started to cry seeing all the families together and remembering how much my late husband enjoyed traveling. He would have loved to have been on that trip with us. I realized that since we've never been on a vacation before that this reaction has been slow in coming - almost eight years after his death. So I think that sometimes it can take us longer to pass through all the avenues of loss because we've managed to bypass that exit. And then we do drive down that avenue and even the passage of time provides no buffer.

My husband and I did so much traveling and whenever I got back I'd be so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to stetch my wings and viewpoint. Staying in our little neck of the woods the past years has resulted in my being somewhat stagnant. Meeting new people and seeing new places and things is a way to grow and expand ourselves. I can see how I've hidden away in this very insulating community out of fear and sadness. Even with my boys being older it was hard for me to take responsibility on my own for this short trip and get us all packed, and out, etc. It might be easier to stay put and live with the status quo but I can't do that anymore. And I'm glad my son is of the same nature, fighting back nerves and dealing with disappointment to take a chance and audition for Idol.

The Hamster Has A Short Break

I did get away the past few days from Mon. night until I left around 12:30 today, Thur., arriving home around 4:30. Although I was conflicted about going, I am so glad I did. I should have done this years ago and need to start doing it more for myself and my sanity.

Being an only parent, there is just never a break from the overwhelming responsibility. And the real thing is, is that as an only parent, your kids rely on you more. They need you more and you give more. It is a tough situation. You give and give. But if you're not taking care of yourself to rest and relax, there becomes much less to give, even when you need to give more. It's like you are a hamster on that wheel racing around and never having an opportunity to get off for a breather.

To have a few days off from the constant pressure of being on and having to always hold it together has been a life saver. The time was too short. I wish I could have stayed a week. The best part of my visit was to feel the family dynamic that is missing in the interaction I have with my boys. Although we are a family unit of course, there is a gaping hole with the absence of a male father figure for my boys and husband for me. I just feel more comfortable, safe and secure having a strong male presence to lean on. And I did have that during my time with Sam and his son. I feel more complete and a better person interacting with a partner by my side.

It was difficult for me to leave. I have returned to the daily grind and my life as an only parent. Sam called me just as I got in to tell me he already misses me. It is a crappy situation to be involved in a LDR when it would be far better to combine households - it would make a huge difference financially. I know I'd be emotionally happier. But Sam has come to believe that it is best for the boys to continue their high school educations here. I'm not sure I'll be able to make it another two years going this route.

It seems as though life just grows more complicated as widowhood goes on. It is not getting easier, nor have I gotten more used to it. A mini-vacation brings out more questions than it does put them to rest.

You Deserve A Break Today

When the kids were younger, the number one thing I needed the most was a bit of time away. I needed to take a break and have a moment or two to myself. But those opportunities were pretty much nil. For one thing, I was worried about the boys being driven by someone else. It took almost a year for me to allow anyone else to give the boys a ride. My logic was that I was too fragile to handle another loss and if something bad was going to happen, it needed to happen to all us. Anyway, maybe I would have relented sooner if I'd had more offers for a break. But no one ever gave me any. And I didn't know then what I know now. I should have forced myself early on to take better care of myself and have some time away from the jobs of grieving, living, working, parenting, maintaining a home, on my own etc. I just took everything on myself and now I think I am paying a dear price.

I did give in once about a month after my husband's death. A mom from the boys' school whom I knew casually invited to take both along with her two sons to a Disney movie premire. I remember that it was early December and lightly snowing and I almost worried out of my mind that there would be an accident. That woman's offer and then her following through with it was one of the nicest favors I've received in widowhood. So may I pass on to anyone who may know a widow with or without kids. Take the kids out to give the mom/dad a break or offer to babysit. If there aren't any kids, offer to take the widow/widower out for an activity (not just food related). Anything to help break the routine and give these folks some kind of break.

I am trying to get away now for a few days with Sam and his son. But it is so trying to figure out the logistics of where the boys will stay and to regulate their scheules while I am away. It is almost not worth the trouble it is taking and my anxiety. Again, I wish I had somehow been able to make my going away more of a routine in the early days. I think that if I had forced myself to get away and treat myself I would be less drained and weary at this point. Yes, I would still be tired but I think that if I had made myself more of a priority I'd be less down and out in spirit. Now I feel like my sanity is hanging by a thread. My spirit is drained and depleted.

Being at home while the boys are out with their friends is not the same thing as getting away from the routine and having an opportunity to rest and relax. It is so refreshing to visit a new place or location be that local or long distance. I knew of a divorced woman in her mid-50s with two high school aged sons. She and her husband sold their big home and each moved into ranch homes in the same neighborhood so the kids could walk back and forth. Ex-husband had the boys every other weekend and I never tired of hearing what this woman did on her "free" weekends - I was fascinated and envious. There was a trip to Florida with girlfriends, another girlfriend trip antiquing and when she started dating, she and the new guyfriend would meet halfway from their homes at a nice hotel for the weekend. What I was most envious of was that this woman got to take off her mom hat for a few days and let down her hair. I know you never stop worrying about your kids but knowing that they are in safe hands with their father surely gave her enough peace of mind to enjoy the Florida beach and browsing in those antique stores. I think this woman was a better mom because of her time away and the me time she gave herself.

As much as I've wanted to "get away" the dynamics of my family and life haven't made it that realistic. I don't have family living in town and the boys were always so busy with their activities - no time off in summers due to travel baseball - and I always wanted to see them play too. And it has always been terribly hard for me to ask favors from people or family. So I haven't.

Maybe this issue is haunting me today because I feel a bit of resentment about my trip to Sam's. It is being billed as partly a mini vacation/time off for me but it is also to help Sam out since he'll have his son for a week and will be working. So I'm giving him and his son a hand so the poor kid doesn't have to stay home alone or go into work with Sam some of the time. So it's a win-win situation for everyone. And I know I should feel good about being to help someone out in need. But instead I am just feeling resentful about my helping out Sam who only sees his son 4 days out of the month except for vacation time. Here I've been responsible 24/7 for my sons the past 7 years without any kind of break. And with no help from anyone, no break, no one coming to my aid when I could have used a helping hand.

I guess that is the underlying anger. Feeling upset and neglected over the lack of support and help I've received over the years. And to know that those who are in less difficult situations do get the help, do get a break and do have an easier time of life.

I don't know what to do with these feelings of resentment right now. I think part of it comes from the cumulative effects of widowhood - the fatigue and weariness that just builds up over the years. The never having a break from the worrying of only parenting. I know there isn't anything I can do about the past and that I need to focus on changing the future. But regrets and resentments still build up and are triggered by events such as this. And then I have to deal with them. So I guess there needs to be balance over what has been without getting too hung up on it, while trying to remain hopeful and positive that the future will be better. Easier said than done.

Greater Losses than Vacations

My brother is taking his wife and three kids to Hawaii where my other brother lives for a week and a half over the holidays. I do not begrudge him this vacation. He works hard and like all of us deserves time off. I am just sad that the boys and I have not been able to go anywhere the past years. When my husband was alive we took the boys to The Field of Dreams, Mt. Rushmore, The Outer Banks, Niagra Falls, Canada and lots of small trips to Wisconsin. We had plans in the works to go to Colorado and Arkansas. Now I wish we had used some of the insurance money, small as it was, to go somewhere - anywhere.

It is not just the vacations that we have all missed. The boys have truly been deprived of so much over the years. A strong male presence; a father to rely and depend on; assistance with math and science homework; someone to teach them guy stuff, like how to put on a tie; a stronger disciplinary enforcer than I am; an adult male to talk with about girls, sex and guy problems - I could go on and on if I wanted to think more about it but I don't. Point being, my sons have been deprived spiritually and emotionally. It breaks my heart so many times a day when something comes up where the reality of them not having a father is so vivid and apparent.

And that is partly why I am struggling so much with the move and still not convinced it is the right thing to do. My boys have worn used clothing, lived without cable, received mostly used electronics and have not had a vacation in years. Their Dad died. They have no Dad and have not had one for six years, although you could really say eight, since the two years he was sick he was often at the hospital.

I can't give my boys a trip to Hawaii. I can't give them much help with math or science. I can't bring their Dad back. The only thing I can do is to try and keep them in their beloved hometown and school. They've already faced so much pain and heartbreak. I don't want them to feel anymore. Please spare them more agony and misery. We are not a "normal" family like the one that will be flying into Hawaii from Chicago in a few days. Decisions and solutions right for "normal" families aren't applicable in this case. The rules that used to be in place were chucked in the garbage six years ago.