Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Too Heavy a Load

Today my CNA instructor made a passing comment to me at the end of the day that I always look so uptight. I did not disagree with her, just replied that I have a lot on my mind right now.

My oldest has flatly refused to move to "that rural, hick town" and he will "find" someone here to live with.

I have received estimates from two moving companies and one of those POD storage/delivery container companies. The $2,300.00 moving company estimate is not affordable for us. The POD container is about $1,000.00 but I'd need to do all the packing and loading on my own. Also, I'm not sure my apartment complex will let me have one of the containers in the parking lot.

GF reminded me again this afternoon that he will not be able to assist with the move financially or physically. When I told him that we cannot afford the moving charges, he ominously replied that I cannot afford to move but if I don't move I risk losing everything when they put my belongings out on the street because I get evicted. I got pretty upset with him, asking what does he expect me to do? He does not want to ask for time off because he is new to the job. Then he said he has been working seven days in a row (as am I, as well as going to school and parenting). He will not charge a portion of the moving expenses on his credit card becasue he wants to keep an available credit line open in case he needs to pay for something for his home here in Illinois since it is supposed to be rented out in Dec. To me it sure seems as he isn't really that keen on having us move with him or he'd be demonstrating his support in some way/any way!

I suggested for example that he come on whatever day he has off in the near future with one of those trucks from BUDGET and we'd do the moving ourselves. He got out of that by saying he dosn't know when his next day off will be because the holidays are coming and he is in training.

GF said that maybe in a few months when he has received some paychecks he can help me. Gee, I thought we were supposed to get married. To me that means working together on solutions instead of making someone feel as thought they're handling and bearing all of the load. After school today I faxed the potential new school the enrollment forms so at least they can draft up schedules since both schools are off the entire week of Thanksgiving. But at this point who even knows what is going on.

I have fantasy visions of taking an entire bottle of Zanax (that is how high my tension feels right now) but I'm not even sure that would reduce the anxiety and fear I am feeling

Picked up my youngest from track practice and was met with the usual surliness and "You're a douche bag" insults. I'm pretty fed up with that. Basically a day where I've taken it from all ends while still trying to hang in there. But I do feel a bit resentful over what I perceive as doing ALL the work and trying to move toward a better life for all of us. And that includes the boys even though they might not realize that, as well as GF.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Chili Mac
2. Christmas decorations going up
3. The Salvation Army Bell ringing
4. Bright colored gloves
5. Scarves, scarves, scarves! I love them all year but can finally really wear them now!


  1. after reading this i really feel like saying some very harsh and pointed things directly to your GF and to your sons but it is not my place. i would like to clarify something though. your youngest son called you a "douche bag?"

  2. I've just started reading you, so I don't know the history, but the red flags are abounding.

    It really doesn't sound like GF wants to make any commitment to you. Why are you moving in with someone who isn't willing to help you in any way and even flings your financial precariousness in your face? I see no love, no support there.

    There *has* to be another option for you, other than moving into what is clearly a bad situation.

    Allowing your son to call you a "douche bag"? I can't even begin to respond to that.

    There is so much more I could say, but as I said, I've only just started reading here. I don't know you, you don't know me. My words have no standing.

    I wish you peace and wisdom.

  3. Again, I really don't think this move is a good idea given the time frame and circumstances. The more I hear about it, and about the conditions that are being placed on it, the more I worry. I know you feel as if you haven't got any other option, I know GF is under stress too, but it just doesn't seem right.

    Please take care of yourself.

  4. I don't know exactly how you respond to a teenage boy who calls you a douche bag, but I certainly would not be picking him up. He can walk home if that's how he behaves. Don't be guilted into taking that kind of verbal abuse, even from a child you love. By taking it, you're teaching him it's OK to call women names, and it's not.

    As for GF, he doesn't sound like he's very invested in you (financially OR emotionally). I think maybe you should ask yourself "what's the worst that can happen?" question. "What's the worst that can happen if you don't move?" If the answer is "get evicted" but that doesn't happen until January, well, then GF can come through for you then (or not) which answers the GF question. Usually, when you ask yourself "what's the worst that can happen?", the answer is still something you can handle. If the answer is "someone dies," well, THAT'S a problem. Eviction, or breaking up with GF, or your son walking home in the rain -- those answers are nothing compared to "someone dies."

    Good luck, and remember the name of your blog... "SURVIVING...." You can survive. Don't give up.

  5. You didn't ask for advice.
    Just read what the majority of comments say.
    Take it from an old lady who has been down your road--stay where you are!
    Do not move right now!
    If it is going to tear up your son's lives, don't move at all until they have graduated.
    About the eviction...look at all possibilities--there HAS to be a way--have you called Social Services in your country. They can help with the rent.

  6. I've been reading your posts lately and there are red flags going up everywhere. I know that you have had and still are having a VERY difficult time right now, trying to make decisions that will affect the rest of yours and your sons lives. But I think since you have shared your heartfelt concerns, those of us who post are equally concerned for you and your children. I wonder how committed this GF is. He seems to think only of himself, with you as a second thought. Is that what you want? He is leaving it all up to you and makes no move to help you. What a big burden for you to uproot your family and bare the brunt of it all. Really think through this!

    As for your son and lack of disrespect, there is no excuse for his behavior! But I am also sure he is as equally confused by everything and is scared at another big change in his life. I may be alone on this, but I really think you need to consider what this move will do to them.

    All who post care and want the best for you and your sons, so I hope you take this as loving opinions. You are between a rock and a hard place, a terrible place to be. But rushing into uncertainty is not the answer right now.

    I'm am truly sorry for all the pain and hurt you have been through!!!

  7. I am truly overwhelmed by everyone's comments and concern. I never expected this type of response.

    The timing of this situation is what is causing, I believe, an added amount of stress and strain. The new school will not accept the boys after the end of Nov. or early part of Dec. If I wait to move, they will not be able to be admitted until March. There are different sports and grade requirements that I am trying to coordinate so if we move the boys will be able to participate in athletics at the new location.

    I was extremely hurt and confused by GF's words to me - it is not like him. He has been genuinely kind and supportive through the entire time we have been together. I will have to provide an update as to where he is coming from after I speak to him again.

    About my son's disrespect - I am horrified at his behavior and deeply disappointed. Believe me, he knows it is not acceptable and I am not pleased. Unfortunately, the past month he has had a lot of time to be on his own since I have been juggling school and work when I'm not there. I have noticed that when he hangs around certain friends his attitude increases. I don't think I am the only parent of a teenage son who has been called names or disrespected. It is hard for me I think because there isn't a dad in the picture and when misbehavior occurs, I don't have the support of a partner in the home to help me deal with it.

  8. Ok so I am the GF.

    As much as I would like to help financially, after being unemployed for the first time on my 32 yr work career I lived off credit to survive. I was unable to sell the house when I got my job so I am now paying rent and a mortgage. Also, since getting my job earlier in the month, I have received NO unemployment benefits and will not get my first paycheck ( whopping $1,000) until next week. So, "I" will have total income of $1,000 for November) and $1,800 left on my credit line.
    How i am expected to take time off from my new job to help with the move - after less than 3 weeks of employment - is a mystery to me. Just starting out, being in retail management right before the holidays; asking for time off now is suicidal in terms of my new career.

  9. I asked GF as a favor to me, to send a reply in his words to this post. My initial reaction to it is sad. While I thank him for doing what I asked, it is noted that no where in his reply is there any sign of regret for not being able to assist with the move. Nor is there any declaration of love or acknowledgment of what I have to bear - it is all just in his defense.

  10. I have been following your blog for many months now and I have gone and read all of your postings from the beginning. My heart truly goes out to you. I have to tell you that along with many others before me, I see not just red flags but road blocks and detours you need to avoid. If you yourself would go back and read your earlier posts on how you too swiftly entered into marriage with Husband #2. Yes, I know the circumstances are different with GF, but he is also doing the same thing to you that HUS #2 did. The pushing for YOU to get yourself & sons moved with little regard for how you were to supposed to accomplish this. Perhaps GF is more supportive than it appears, but without him DOING something to help you, I don't know how quickly I would want to uproot myself to an area I did not know and more importantly where no one knew you. Why the rush? Please reconsider the timing and reflect on how similar these circumstances are to the ones you had with your second husband.

  11. I think you got your answer by the GF's response. He had a chance to profess his undying love and support of you and care for your children, instead he chose to defend himself. I know the road directly ahead seems so dark right now, but please don't make any hasty decisions. See what happens while you are apart from him -- for YOUR well-being as well as your sons. You are a survivor!!!

  12. To Anonymous - Just wanted you to know that I am amazed you read my earlier blog posts - I haven't even done that! Thank you for your insights and comparisons.

    Beth - Thank you also for your support and your last sentence about being a survivor. Sometimes I forget that.