Waiting Out the Days

In just six months, my youngest will be on the campus of his college for Freshman Orientation Week! Wow! When I look ahead to that milestone, I can see that time is rolling forward to our new beginning. Yet all the same, time seems to be progressing so dreadfully slowly.

You would think that after everything, these last few months would be a breeze to get through. But I am finding that not the case. It is getting harder for me to wait out these final days. My girlfriend, a teacher, agrees with me on this. She says the hardest weeks for her to get through are the four-day ones, when they should be easier.

As usual, am feeling the winter blues when the "greyness" of winter makes me want to scream! But I am so grateful that essentially this has been a very mild winter season, certainly the most mild that I recall in the past 10 years. Bad PMS again this week. I need to anticipate this better and realize that my low mood and motivation come at this time of the month. Once it passes, I am like a new person, again ready to take on the world.

Why do we so often feel the need to beat ourselves up for being human? This was a weekend where I had plans to be more productive but just wasn't. I am often alone at home with my youngest out and about doing all the social activities Senior high schoolers are involved with. It is a bit depressing for me as I contemplate the life changes being a widowed-empty-nester will bring. My energy level is so sapped I only read, clean, cook, organize or knit halfheartedly. But really, is this so bad? So I spend a couple days moping about in pjs doing not much of anything. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things, this little rest will be restoring in and of itself.

Tomorrow I will try to get out for a walk. Celebrity Apprentice starts, which my son and I will eagerly watch together. I will put more effort into my actions knowing that the work week starts anew and luckily, my hours are being increased at my request. That might help with keeping me preoccupied and active as I wait out these final days of winter and those leading up to my move and new life. Right now I am in a holding pattern. I've put off looking at communities to move to until it is Spring but I think once I am actively involved in the process it will help with the passing of time. This is a limbo period, yet my soul is itching to get going and I want it all now. Enough waiting! Yet somehow when we were little we all made it through the long agony of waiting for Santa to arrive. And even as an adult I have made it through months of anticipation and waiting - for my weddings, college graduations, the birth of my sons.

Only those times I wasn't on my own. I had caring partners by my side to help distract me and support me emotionally. It seems that the days are longer, waiting out the days now as a widow.

JUNUARY

The last day of a typically snowy, wintry month. Only today it hit 56 degrees. What a heat wave in the middle of winter! My husband used to always say spring really began on February 15th. He was a big conservationist and believed in climate change, which my son says replaced the old term "Global Warming." But I wish I could have proved him wrong about his own personal spring theory. Because the past eight years since his death, the winters have been especially harsh. So this winter has really been a big blessing for me. One less obstacle to deal with in widowhood land.

On top of everyday life, being a widow in winter brings on the ever cold bed that once was so much warmer when shared with a partner. There is the rash of holidays starting with the early Thanksgiving and ending with Valentine's Day. For me in the Midwest there is the added car maintenance and worry about driving in hazardous weather. The days are so long, overcast and dark. Well, enough description, you get the idea - I am depressing myself!

We use certain days as markers in our lives. I have always used Valentine's Day not to mark the end of winter, as my husband did, but to symbolize that the end is near. In recent years, I have come to believe that if I can make it to Feb. 15th, the worst is over and I'll survive the final month to spring.

My husband and I used to always write down the first day we noticed that the grass was really green. It would usually fall around March 21st. I would mark the date on a post it note, then put it up on the fridge and throughout the next winter glance at that date with hope. I kept the last post it note from the spring before my husband died up on the fridge until we moved from our home. And then I took it down and put it with paperwork to be saved, though where it is now, I haven't a clue. But when I move, unpack and eventually come across that note, I will put it back up on my new fridge.

In the meantime, just 14 days til V-Day, which I no longer look at so much as a romantic holiday. But it is still okay to look at it as a beacon of light shining through the winter gloom and illuminating the green of March!

The Sixth Day of Christmas

Feeling a bit down today, in contrast to this smiling snowman fella. It gets dark so early and most days are overcast. I dread the cold and upcoming snow, although am grateful none has really fallen yet and that it will be a warm week with rain even. This is a tough time of year for some of us. It takes tremendous emotional energy to get through certain time periods like the holidays. It is hard to describe to the non-widowed. Moving alone through the holidays can bring on a whole new set of feelings of loss and vulnerability.

I think for me, the key will be going back to school and becoming involved in establishing myself in a new career. Part of my angst I find comes from feeling so out of it in regard to career and not having anything to ground me and keep me focused. I so wish I was already back to school. Gosh, another holiday season to get through again. How I long for the day when it isn't like this. When I'm feeling productive and eager to start the day instead of down and out, willing the days to be over.

For now, it is just marking the long, dark, cold days...

The Ice Melts

The ice eventually melted and all day there were sparkles in the tops of trees shining off the sunlight. I tried to capture some of the magic but didn't come close. So I suppose a lesson here is that life goes on and even in the aftermath of a storm, there can be unexpected beauty.

Flo commented that it is okay for us to have some self-pity every once in a while and I want to say a "here here" to that sentiment. We live in this society where it is looked down on to mope or complain. But I read somewhere that in actuality, it is rather healthy to do so on occasion - doesn't make us weaker but actually stronger because we are trying to comfort ourselves (when there isn't anyone else around to do so).

Winter/Widow Weariness

I read in the paper today that in each of the past four years Chicago has gotten over 50 inches of snow and each has been a colder than usual winter besides. I just know that the past four winters have been so tough to endure. One winter I got tennis elbow that lasted six months from constantly having to scrape off the vehicles - I thought it was something worse. How silly to get tennis elbow having not played any tennis in the dead of winter!

For me the winters represent the worst of my losses. At least during the warmer months I can walk and get out and about more freely. If I could label my grief as a month it would definitely be January with February a close second.

On a more positive note, one of the servers at my job has become friendly with me and we've discussed taking some kind of exercise class together. I am also planning to take archery lessons that start in March and wanted to take fencing but the class meets Wed. nights and I do not want to miss my knit club. Maybe I can take fencing at another time in the future.

I guess like grief, winter is an event that has to be trudged through. I wish it were easier. But coping all these past winters hasn't made this one any easier to face. The passage of time might make some things easier but I don't think it magically makes everything better. Winter makes me feel as though I've taken 10 steps backward. And I never seem to feel warm enough under the covers alone...

It is supposed to warm up over the weekend and for that I am extremely grateful. And I will try and post about another topic rather than how much I hate winter! But I guess the point of this whole reflection is that widowhood like winter doesn't get easier as the season progresses and maybe in some cases it actually gets more wearisome. Another misnomer I want to clear up as I think the general impression out there is that time heals all wounds and so on. Why people really believe this sometimes baffles me. But enough on this for now. It is currently 4 below zero without wind chill...

Old Man Winter Blues

It was just so cold yesterday when I went out in the morning to face the blowing snow to clean off the van so I could take the boys to school. Instead of feeling energized and uplifted after surviving the record-breaking snowfall, I felt dispirited and defeated. What did it matter? So I got through one storm. Now there was the bitter cold to face. And some more snow on the way besides.

I know the Eastern coast has been hit harder than the Midwest. Others are out there battling the elements along with me. I'm not the only one struggling, nor am I the only widowed mom. But there are fewer of us and it is harder for us - those of us alone.

An unusual small scale earthquake hit Illinois, near the Chicago area yesterday. I watched the news reports of witness accounts. The men and woman would say things like, "My husband woke me up" or "We felt the bed shake." All of them seemed to have references to a partner who was there with them, there in bed with them.

That's kind of the downer about this whole winter weather scene. Now is the time when snuggling and cuddling are the most useful and restorative. This is the time when we give extra thanks for the warm body next to us providing heat and comfort. And yes, even protection from threats such as intruders breaking in, which is what one woman thought was happening when the earthquake stuck at 3:59 a.m.

I come in out of the cold needing to feel safe and warm. And while my body temperature rises, I think a part of me deep inside continues to remain frozen. Like that little bit in the middle of a chicken breast being thawed. It stubbornly refuses to thaw and I always end up impatiently tossing it into the oven anyway. It is not enough to lie in that queen or king size bed. When you're lying there alone and you don't want to be, the wide expanse of extra space is mean and mocking. Yes, you're warm and maybe even cozy and comfortable. But that part of your heart that yearns for companionship, conversation, sex, love and nurturing remains as empty as the space formally occupied by a loving partner.

Chilled to the bone on so many levels - physically, spiritually, emotionally.

Today I am grateful:

1. For seeing the sliver of sun just above the horizon as I dropped the boys off at school.
2. For seeing the reflection of that sun in the windows of a home.
3. For seeing the sun seem to rise out of nowhere within minutes and cast its glowing warmth over the cold morning.
4. That it wasn't too difficult scraping off the van's windows this morning.
5. For protection against the harsh winter elements.

All By Myself

I knew this would be a tough weekend in terms of feeling alone. But I am surprised at the intensity of my loneliness. I guess I need to try and find diversions for myself to get out and about in the future because here on my own I just seem to simmer and stew. Not that I'm unproductive. I've been going through the boxes of my parent's paperwork that has been in the storage shed. Tonight one of the boxes I concentrated on was full of cassette tapes of my dad's. This is a depressing job because none of the tapes are labeled. There have to be around 100. So I am playing them on a cassette recorder before tossing in case he recorded one of our high school band or orchestra performances. I got to hear Richard Nixon's resignation speech and a couple of band concerts, although which one or year is unknown. Then the cassette player broke, probably because the tapes I am trying to play are circa 1975.

In a sense, the mere fact that I am taking the time to listen to these tapes is depressing in and of itself. But I know he taped us kids talking at the dinner table and I do not want one of those thrown out. I came across a bunch of old slides from a trip he took in the late 1950s and some taken of he and my Mom on a trip they took a few months before I was born. Then there were some wedding photos of my father's brother. So in between the junk are a few treasures.

Because the boys are out I decided to make do with what is in the pantry for my dinner and save what I was going to fix for tomorrow. That way I can stretch out the food budget. But there really isn't anything tasty except odd flavored soups such as leek and bean with bacon that I now have no idea why I ever purchased. I am going to try the leek soup but wish there was some split pea or veggie.

There are times it is good to be reflective, contemplative and by yourself. But right now with the gloom of winter upon us, I need to be surrounded by loving warmth and company. I wish I didn't have to be home alone tonight. I am down about that. And the leek soup doesn't help! It would be better if there were some carbs around to uplift my spirits a bit. I should motivate myself to bake some blueberry muffins or some oatmeal cookies but hearing the Nixon speech kind of put a damper on my enthusiasm. I'm holding out for Saturday Night Live which I hope will bring me a laugh or two. Having some popcorn and a cup of hot chocolate while watching might revive me a little.

Today I am grateful:

1. That although it is cold it is not bitterly so.
2. For the moon overhead - hauntingly beautiful tonight.
3. For the cute ovenmitt I got at the dollar store. I needed one since all my towels and such are hidden somewhere in the depths of the storage shed.
4. That my oldest had a good time on his overnight band trip.
5. For the opportunity and means to vent about my pathetic Saturday night on my own!

Spring Tease

The mild temperatures over the weekend and rain diminished our snow so there isn't much on the ground. All that is left are the remains of the towering piles from where the snowplows had to dump when plowing. It was so good to see the grass and ground - to smell the earth again. Yesterday it looked and felt like March. But today we are back to the cold and snow is in the forecast!

This reminds me of a tip I came across in regard to having to scrape your car in the snow. It suggested that you put paper bags over the windows to eliminate the cleanup. I tried this a few weeks back putting the paper bags over the front window of my van. Unfortunately, over the night most of the bags blew off so I had to scrape anyway. I came across another tip this weekend that suggested rubbing a raw onion half over the vehicle windows to prevent the formation of ice. So I am going to try that next along with the other suggestion I found that said to try garbage bags over the vehicle windows. I'll let you know if the plastic bags work better than the paper. Looks like there will be some more opportunities with snow coming.

Another interesting tip I read talked about the power of color to enrich our lives. During these gloomy and dark winter days, it suggested making a point of looking at red and orange items to lift our moods. Another suggestion was to put bowls of oranges, lemons and limes around with the scent of the oranges and lemons being especially energizing. Can't hurt and it is worth a try. I cleaned my bathroom yesterday with an orange cleaner and have to say it was very refreshing and vibrant. During my cleaning over the weekend, I "found" some of those adjustable gel air fresheners in holiday fragrances. I went ahead and put them all out and now our home smells great. You can get these air fresheners for a dollar on sale, even the name brands such as Renuzit. What a cheap luxury!

Although my funds are too limited right now to afford flowers, that was another hint recommended to lift winter doldrums. Buy a bunch for your home. Here is a cute idea I saw. You cut some slits into the tops off some lemons. Then you use the shell as a vase for small flowers. This next one is pretty clever too. Take a lace doily and cover with fabric stiffener. Shape the doily over a bowl to dry and when it is finished, you have a cute container. And you could use it to display some of that citrus fruit!

Luckily, none of us have been sick this winter. Surprisingly, we have all been extremely healthy in the years since my husband's death. I just don't "allow" myself to get ill and am lucky I have a strong resolve and immune system because I do think that stress can play havoc with our health. But here are two home remedies for colds I clipped out in case we need them before spring is really in bloom.

Sore Throat Soother to instantly relieve the pain and swelling:

Add 1 tsp. lemon juice and 1 Tbs. Listerine to a cup of water and gargle, 3-4 times a day.

Cold-Weather Cough Quieter:

Mix 1 Tbs. lemon juice with 1 tsp. honey and a pinch of cayenne pepper, then swallow. The lemon adds vitamin C and reduces inflammation. The honey is soothing and coats the throat. The pepper increases circulation.

Interesting that both home remedies contain lemon juice!

For flaky hair which comes with winter and dry scalp, gently work 1/4 cup mouthwash into the scalp for 30 seconds after shampooing. The mouthwash contains less alcohol than dandruff shampoos so is not as drying to hair.

To get out of bed more quickly and energized on these gloomy dark days, press the tip of your left pinkie to your left thumb; do the same with your right hand and hold both for two minutes. Apparently this is an acupressure point that stimulates the release of adrenaline.

I read yet again how the repetitive motions of knitting and crocheting reduce anxiety and relieve tension. I love doing both, especially in winter. I am making a point to have a project always going and in my tote bag so I can work some stitches while waiting to pick the boys up from school, etc. This weekend I whipped up a display for our door. It has been bothering me that all the doors in our building don't have wreaths or seasonal decorations. When I lived in our home changing the door decor was always something I enjoyed and I often made whatever was displayed. But all my decorations are somewhere in the storage shed and I wanted something seasonal. Remember the giant mitten I made for my son's girlfriend at Christmas? I took that pattern and crocheted two mittens in contrasting blue yarns. They are now on the door looking very cute hanging side-by-side. When I come to the door now, I feel part of my fun-loving and creative spirit greeting me. It is feeling good to have a part of me that has been buried the past months start to become alive again.

One last hint. To cure a broken heart: clean, organize, decorate. I've read this before. While our lives can be unpredictable and unruly, one of the things we can actually control is our home environment. By gaining mastery over our living areas, we have some say in how we are living and managing our losses. I may have had to leave my home, but that doesn't mean I have lost the ability to put up a decoration on my door to brighten the gloomy January days.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the van's heat and blower are still working.
2. That we have had enough food this month and have not had to resort to PB & J or Mac and Cheese.
3. For lint rollers.
4. For warm showers.
5. For duct tape, which has surprisingly many uses.

Winter Blues

There is a daily fatigue that seems to settle into my bones during the winter months. An undercurrent of fear simmers that I will fall on the ice and break a bone. Who would care for me? The winter weather and darker days exaggerate my being alone.

These are the days for hunkering down and snuggling a bit longer under the covers. I miss having a warm body next to me sleeping. I miss the absence of a strong male presence in the home. Someone to rely on when the roads are slippery with snow coming down - just knowing they can be called to come make a rescue if I land in a snowbank.

I feel vulnerable and lonely. Soon after my husband died, someone told me that I was so lucky I had the boys to raise - because I would never be lonely (and I would be too busy besides). But I think it goes without saying that I am lonely for romance and adult interaction. You can be lonely even living with a large number of people (think homesick college freshman living in a dorm).

Everyone needs a cheerleader in their corner. I felt I had that when my husband was alive. We served as cheerleaders for each other. Now I have to rely on the occasional well wishes of friends and acquaintances. There is not a daily support mechanism in place. And truth be told, it gets pretty old pretty quickly being your own cheerleader.

I miss looking forward to a night out for dinner, a movie or a show with a partner. Those are the kinds of activities that help recharge our batteries. I miss planning a romantic dinner at home complete with a special meal and candles. I miss all the physical aspects of being in a romantic relationship, mostly the day-to-day hugs, affectionate pats, smiles and verbal affirmation.

We are ending finals week at the boy's school and I am convinced that the best decision was made to keep them here. But it does come at a great price because I have lost regular physical contact with Sam and I am sad about that. Long distance relationships bring with them their own challenges, in addition to all the others that exist in maintaining a committed relationship in the first place.

The well-known author and psychologist, Dr. Kevin Leman, who wrote all the birth order books, believes that single parents should not even consider remarrying until their children are out of school. He feels there are too many conflicting problems and issues in attempting to blend families together. I can certainly relate to his reasoning since I have struggled with balancing the needs of my sons with that of my own. And there is a part of me that remains annoyed with the situation of Sam moving out-of-state to take a job. It is such a slap in the face to me. To have met a decent, compatible guy and have him move away. It seems so ironic that I made a conscious decision to date only locally because I did not want to face a relocation. And then the same situation ended up presenting itself. I am beyond trying to figure out a rhyme or reason to this and just want to be able to rely on some safety and reliability for a change instead of having to dodge curve balls.

My husband's death came at a rotten time in regard to the boys' ages. It would have been easier if they had been younger or older in terms of relocating and remarriage. But I guess there is not much point to dwelling on that. It is what it is and I am where I am and have to somehow make the best of all of this from this point on. And part of that means facing any upcoming winter storms on my own here, at least for the time being. My sixth winter on my own.

Today I am grateful that:

1. We are surviving finals week.
2. The temperature today will be close to 40 degrees.
3. The boys have worked very hard on their academics (they had three weeks of missed work to make up).
4. We have not gone hungry this month.
5. The boys were welcomed back to their school with open arms, love and support.

Wanting To Be A Hibernating Bear

I am having a rough time - continuing to doubt my decision about moving. The boys' pain and grief is tearing me up inside. We've already suffered so much. Why do have to continue to endure change and challenge? It is hard to focus on the good that will come of this because it is in the future and the boys are so miserable right now. I cannot bear to see them suffer.

I am experiencing all those miserable symptoms of early grief - sobbing, not wanting to get up out of bed, hopelessness, tiredness, depression, not eating, feeling sick to my stomach, inactivity, loss of interest, helplessness and I'll be honest in admitting even wanting to die.

It is very cold here and the weather is not helping. I want to become a bear and just hibernate in a cave until the Spring thaw. But of course I need to somehow pull this all together and be there for the boys even though they are not speaking to me.

My sons want me to at least try and make a go of it back home on my own so they can finish at their old high school. But what they don't and can't understand is that I am tapped out of the strength and energy to do that. Although they told me I should muster it up because that is my job as a mother.

This pain is worse than what I felt when my husband died and then when I got divorced. I was helpless in preventing the death and had no control of changing my second husband's mind. But making the decision to move is within my power and to a degree I am responsible for the agony of my sons. Even though I made the decision trying to rationalize the overall eventual good for the family as a whole.

Winter Blahs & Chilly Burrrrr

Winter is my least favorite time because I find it so much harder to get through on my own. There is the constant worry about snow storms and particularly the driving aspect. If something happens to my vehicle, I don't know how I could replace it and it seems much more likely to have an accident during inclement weather. It is cold, bleak, gloomy and the darkness seems to last forever. I'm already struggling with sadness and the late mornings/early evenings do not help my less than optimistic moods. Shoveling and scraping off the van just are not up there on my list of fun things to do. Maybe having done them on my own the past 6 winters has just worn me down. Last year I actually got a terribly painful case of tennis elbow because we had so much snowfall (it lasted until summer). There seems to be more to keep track of too - boots, coats, gloves, warm socks, salt for the walkway, lip balm, hand lotion. I even need special hair conditioner to tame my flyaway ends. Of course, the worst aspect of all during this season is not having someone warm to lie next to on the coldest of nights.

In fairness to winter I will try to come up with a few positives about it in my "I am grateful for" section.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Flannel p.j.s.
2. Soup and chili (canned and homemade) which is cheap, filling and tastes the best during winter.
3. Ditto for oatmeal and hot chocolate.
4. Homemade afghans/blankets which probably would not get knitted if it weren't for winter.
5. Having a break from yard work.