Believe

I guess I will just keep posting via this blog rather than start up a new one for now, at least. Haven't felt much like posting the past week. Holiday letdown and also a bad case of PMS (yes, still at my age). My #1 goal for January is to try and be more positive for the new year. The PMS really did not get things off to a good start. But even with feeling a bit down and out and bluesy, as I get at this time, I DID make an effort to try and be more positive, so at least I am being more conscious of this goal.

I have been captivated by the word "Believe." It is really striking a chord with me. I am trying to make that word my focus for 2012. I'm not the only one inspired by this. Weight Watchers is using it for their advertising slogan.

Rather than make resolutions, I decided to make goals for each month. This month's are:

1. To pay more attention to better eating, overall health and pampering myself as I feel and look a bit drab these days. I would like to really lose some weight so come my son's high school graduation in late May, I can buy a new outfit. In fact, I'd like to have a mini makeover then to celebrate his success but also mine, at finally seeing both my boys off and away to college! I do not want to look in the mirror and wonder if I look "too fat." I want to look in the mirror and feel uplifted, joyful and WONDERFUL!

How am I doing after a week? Well, I've lost 5 pounds and am eating lots less now that the holidays are over. But am coming up way short on my goal of eating 2 fruit servings and 5 veggie servings a day. Usually, managing only 3 of veggies and 1 of fruit. I still feel drab and listless. That makeover is really needed!

2. To be more positive, as I related at the start of this post. I don't think it makes anything better to mope and complain. If things are bad, I want to say I feel sad right now. Acknowledge it but not dwell on it. Also, I can say "things are going to get better" rather than stay mired in the gloom.

How am I doing? Due to PMS not the best start. But I do try and reframe my negatives into positives.

3. In an effort to clear up and clean out my house in anticipation of moving this spring/summer, I want to try and get rid of 10 items a day. Get rid of means donate, recycle or toss.

How am I doing? I am laughing right now because with the exception of the first day I started my goals, Jan. 2nd, I have not managed to get rid of anything! Why? Well, lack of time, due to work and having both boys off for Winter Break. I know I need to make this a higher priority.

4. Knit through my stash of yarn (about three storage bags full). I am not allowing myself to obtain any new yarn until I knit through what I currently have.

How am I doing? This is the goal I am succeeding the best at. I have almost used up 24 ounces of cotton print yarn knitting a bath mat or rug - it is really cute. I have also knit two dishcloths and a kitchen towel. I am finding that knitting is really brightening up my mood. I have even awakened in the morning to realize that I was dreaming about knitting. I would like to create a couple wall hangings for my new home and continue to make some rugs.

5. To not purchase anything that is not necessary or needed.

How am I doing? Pretty well at this but I have gotten pretty good at living under reduced circumstances so this isn't that hard for me. I did restrain myself to only one 2012 datebook (half-price), although there was this really cute one with birds for the wall. Also, I refrained from picking up some half-price holiday ornaments/decorations at the dollar store. I figure I can pick some up next year when our financial situation it more stable.

That's it for this month. And maybe I'll keep these for February as well. Hope everyone had a meaningful holiday season or at least made it through in one piece. Also, hope all are starting out the new year with renewed spirits and belief in a positive and better 2012!

Goodbye 2011

Isn't this bottle of bubbly cute? So appropriate for signifying the start of a new year. The past few days I have been reflecting on this year's end and the memories that stand out the greatest are so positive.

1. #1 highlight - I heard my son's original composition performed by a small orchestra at his high school graduation! How many moms get to have that as a memory? Pretty awesome!

2. Going to American Idol auditions with both sons for a mini vacation and with my oldest trying out as a contestant. Although he didn't make it past the first set of producer auditions it was fun to see how a reality show is really scripted and the time we spent together brought us closer together as a family.

3. My oldest had a great senior year of high school and I saw him perform on Chicago television, and at the Illinois State Fair in Springfield twice. Whoo hoo!

4. My youngest got accepted into the college of his choice and is having his own bang-up senior/final year.

5. My oldest made a smooth transition into college and did outstanding his first semester!

All the struggles and hardships of the past year happened and I felt them. But I feel the magic of my son's music more strongly than the painful memories. The pictures that float around in my mind are those of my tall, handsome young men at their dances or school events. Or at their jobs being polite, respectful and responsible employees. Does that mean good outshines the bad? Or that the positive has more power than the negative stuff?

As this year ends I will hold on to these memories in my heart. Funny how the difficult days I had to scramble through to come up with money for various bills have faded. At the time they seemed to overwhelm me. But I can see now that what is most important are those memories of family and love. And that even though there may have been a fair share of trying circumstances, what stands out at the end are good, happy, strong, vibrant and joyful memories. And I experienced a good share of them too!

Peace, Joy and Hope

My girlfriend sent me a text mid-afternoon asking if I wanted to go to an evening Christmas service tonight. I wasn't feeling up to it - just kind of depressed and feeling holiday bluesy. But I know that when I do get out and about that I end up feeling better so I agree to go. I am so glad I did. The music and service were powerful and wondrous.

The pastor spoke about the fragility of life. Widows know all about that. So on one hand, we're heads up on cherishing life and our loved ones. On the other hand, we also get the hard reality of how our lives can be altered in an instant. And at least in my case, that has left me at times, scared and paranoid. I guess you could call our first hand knowledge of death a blessing and a curse.

But I was glad the pastor spoke of this. There seems to be so much frantic rushing around right now. People out in their cars talking on cell phones, speeding to get to a store and reviewing their shopping lists are not paying attention to what this season is really about.

I was really struck by the pastor's mention of love - how God is so loving... And he added that that's pretty much the message here - being loved (by God), and then spreading joy and love to others. I felt somewhat ashamed comparing myself to God tonight. And how as a human, I fall way short at times of being more loving. Widowhood has resulted in some bitterness in my spirit. And I think the day-to-day grind and financial struggles sometimes overpower my desire to be a better person.

But I felt revitalized and hopeful by the words I heard tonight. The pastor spoke about how at this time of year we start reviewing the old year and planning for the one ahead. I was inspired to focus on the promise of what lies ahead and to be more mindful of this season's message which is love. And this can be translated to whatever religion or beliefs one has - that at our core, love is the force that drives us. And as I have come to believe since my husband's death - the reason we are all here in the first place.

Love + Kindness + Acceptance +Tolerance + Understanding + Compassion + Forgiveness = Peace, Joy and Hope!

Tea and Calendars

Remember the good old days when the only tea you could buy was Lipton? When I was a kid, my Mom hung a linen calendar towel on the door leading to the basement and we used the calendar with nature scenes from Rexall Drug that we got free and the little paper date books from the Hallmark store to carry in our purses. Anyone recall those?

Today there are 100s of teas out there to choose from and 1000s of calendars. I always laugh when they put the calendars out in the stores in October but this year I'm not laughing. I usually am able to get my calendars after the holidays for half price in January but this year on January third when I went out, the stock was pretty depleted. I had to go to a number of stores and bookstores before finding my daily knitting and crochet pattern calendars. And there were really no day books, which I carry in my purse and rely on all year to chose from. I ended up with the only one besides the Sierrra nature calendar or ugly black leather ones, with cherries on the cover. Usually I get brightly colored floral designs or ones with birds and feel sad I had to settle for the cherries. Next year, I am going to buy all my calendars in October and then will not have to worry about not finding them and being disappointed.

Picking out a calendar is one of the rituals I have come to enjoy about the new year. I am thinking that maybe this year there were fewer left because more people were out shopping and spending and also that calendars make inexpensive gifts. There has never been such a lack of selection.

Then there is the tea. I love Joy tea by TAZO and it is only sold at the holidays and Starbucks. Last year we were so poor I didn't even consider getting any but two years ago went on a wild goose chase for some because I'd waited too long to pick up a box. And I never found any. It was sold out. This year I luckily found a large supply at the second Starbucks I hit and I am so happy at the great pleasure that find brought me as I am only a tea drinker, no coffee.

Such small pleasures, tea and calendars. And also what turmoil they can bring from there being too many to select from. This never would be an issue in my childhood. Not another task to cross off one's list (buy cute calendars with cover designs that speak to you - don't forget to pick up box of special tea that only comes out for one month a year). There is also the added issue of always having to settle because of our reduced circumstances. Before widowhood when there weren't financial problems I bought my calendars in October. But with money being tight, I've waited to the last possible moment and then had a hard time finding the ones I want. I suppose I could go with a cheap dollar store version, but the $21.00 I spent on the three calendars I got seems a fair price to pay for accessories most of use daily and take for granted anyway. Calendars and date books are pretty essential to our busy lives, especially with kids' schedules to keep track of.

And now I am going to brew a cup of Joy tea and delight in the joy it brings my senses. It's been two years since I've had a box and the pleasure is that much sweeter! And maybe, I will pick up a second box to make up for the two years I went without. But just maybe - I find that I have become extremely frugal. Not such a bad thing for this former shopaholic (before widowhood).

Nature Resting

I finally got to take a walk a few days back and was surprised at how barren and drab the landscape in my little forest preserve had become. It made me reflect upon nature taking a break or nap for the next few months. I shifted that focus to me and my need to be like nature in winter and take some time off too from grief and all this self-processing. It is okay to take a vacation now and then and just be without trying to overcome, grow or self-actualize. We're not machines. Our minds, bodies and spirits need rest and rejuvenation.

I never would have imagined the amount of "work" that goes into coping with a major loss and then the aftermath of going on solo before my husband died. It is a very depleting and exhausting process - one that seems never ending. But I want to take a cue from nature here and spend the next few months restoring my soul - hard when it is so cold out there now. But I need some TLC, not harsh resolutions to start out the new year.

I don't understand anymore how people can go from feasting and merriment one day to the Slim Fast or Special K diet the next. There needs to be a gradual shift from one mind set to the next in order for say, a diet to be successful. On that note, here are my goals for January. I've decided to go for monthly goals instead of resolutions this year.

1. Reduce/delete the emails in my in box. Yesterday I had 5044. That is not a typo. Today I am down to 4300. By month's end it would be wonderful to be left with only 100! We'll see. I have a hard time letting anything go (relationships, possessions, read text messages, memorabilia) - pretty much everything and it got worse when my husband died, hence the great difficulty in having to clear out those storage sheds.

2. Eat better in general. No specific diet. Just watch what I eat more carefully.

3. Try not to leave any dirty dishes in the sink overnight.

4. Put my keys and glasses in the same place so I don't have to run around like a raving banshee two or three times a day trying to locate them.

5. I have a bookshelf filled with old craft magazines. It looks messy. I just want to go through the magazines and get rid of them (donate or recycle) so by the end of January the bookshelf looks attractive and not a mess.

That's it for now. Too many goals doesn't seem like a good idea - too overwhelming. I'm starting out slow and can always add if I complete one before the end of the month. Accomplishing the dishes and being able to find car keys and glasses alone will be a huge improvement in reducing the stress in my life.

11 Things that are Tolerable About Winter:

1. I do like wearing scarves and gloves (the brighter the color combinations the better).

2. Winter food like casseroles, hot chocolate and soup are good.

3. It is enjoyable to bake bread and other goodies.

4. Wearing a coat helps cover any pounds that may creep up from eating casseroles.

5. Fires in fireplaces are nice to snuggle up in front of.

6. I could live in flannel p.j.s all day.

7. It is lovely to sleep under lots of covers and still not be too warm.

8. Because the days are shorter there is more of an excuse to go to bed earlier with a good book, under warm covers in flannel p.j.s drinking a cup of hot chocolate.

9. Warm wool socks and sweaters are great to wear.

10. Nothing says warmth and coziness like a hand knit afghan. Knitting is always better in winter.

11. Snowmen are cute!

Happy Valentine's Day!

For anyone eager to move past the holidays, they won't need to wait long because Valentine's Day candy is already up at my grocery store. I remember earlier in the season being upset when Christmas lights were put up at Halloween but now that the holidays are over, I feel a bit sad.

Since my husband's death, the holidays have never the same. I was thinking this year about how we no longer ride around the pretty neighborhoods looking at the twinkling lights. I am always so rushed, even the years when we didn't really celebrate much. Now the holidays are over and I feel that I really didn't even have an opportunity to savor them. By the time the dust settles and I am in a place to enjoy the season, it is already over. I suppose this is ditto for whatever season we are in - the elegance of autumn, fun of Halloween, the radiant spring sunshine and flowers. By the time I even realize and appreciate the season I am in, it has already passed and we are whizzing ahead to the next event on the calendar.

I was always busy as a young married mom, but never felt the regret of the passing seasons as I have as a widow. Somehow there was more time because I had more help and a partner by my side to share the season with. It makes a huge difference. I hope this year is different in some way. I'm not sure how I can make my life less busy and full. But I hope in some way to try and greet each special holiday with an intensity I haven't been able to in previous years. Maybe I need to spend a little time each week planning for Christmas and Halloween starting now? I know that in Victorian times the women made all their gifts and the preparations began in the summer. This year I do not want to see the holidays flit by without being able to say that I felt them in my heart!

Yearlong Starbucks Fast Finally Broken!

My oldest forgot his lunch again this morning so I trudged over in the darned cold and could not resist taking a photo of the other "forgotten" lunches awaiting student pickup. This was less than the load that was out on Friday! My son is a good kid. He starts his new job after school. It's the week before Christmas Break and the kids are preoccupied. I'm not going to bash him for being an 18-year-old with a lot on his plate and make him suffer the consequences by having to forage amongst his friends for something to eat. He was voted out of this year's graduating class as:
1. Best Musician (Boy am I proud of him for this!)
2. Most Flirtatious (Even though he has had the same girlfriend for two years!)
3. Biggest Spaz (Whatever that is - I guess it means forgetful!)

The winter storm that hit us brought less snow than expected but bitter chill. Minnesota and Indiana have been really pummeled. But still, the cold these last few years has been hard for me to bear. Winter brings with it a whole lot of other and extra widowhood issues for me. But let's not dwell on that right now. Life is looking up.

It was a super busy weekend with the party on Friday night, taking my son to get his senior yearbook photo taken on Saturday, attending a "Christmas store" held in the community where parents could shop for low cost gifts for their children, choosing two per child and then the holiday concert extravaganza which historically lasts ALL afternoon at the high school, since all the music groups perform. This year they split the concert into two and my son had the later concert performance time. But my girlfriend wanted to see some of her students perform in the first concert (she teaches at the school) so I agreed to go to the earlier concert with her. So I was listening to holiday music from 1:00 in the afternoon until 5:30!

Thank goodness they split the concert into two, which should have been done years ago in my opinion. There wouldn't be enough seats for older folks, people would be reading the paper for the groups their kids weren't in and there was no available parking. This year was bad enough with the stormy weather - on Sunday there were wind gusts blowing snow of 40 mph!

Overall, despite the busyness, it was a good weekend. I was thankful that the yearbook photo was over since my son was so stressed out about it. He kept having me reschedule the appt. because of his minor acne even though I assured him that his photo would be retouched. Then I was able to get stocking stuffers and two gifts for each son for under $20.00 at the "Christmas store." AND my year long Starbucks fast was finally broken! My girlfriend treated me to a venti tea and peppermint brownie after the first holiday concert and it was heavenly!

I started my "fake" part-time job at the restaurant yesterday. It pays weekly and allows me more time to be around for the boys and to look for a "real" job in my field. I'll start up the search again full force after the holidays if the social services case mgt. position I interviewed for last week isn't offered to me. With this job there will be enough for groceries at least and that is a huge blessing! And it is way less work than that awful CNA job but I am the oldest employee there (think college kids with odd degrees that can't find work) and that is a little strange for me. I feel out of my element but am trying to bite the bullet and do what has to be done. Though let me tell you, sometimes that is way easier said then done!

Well, that's a recap of the past few days. I am so grateful the boys will have a modest Christmas. It is so much better than having nothing at all. Everyone seems to be in more hopeful and positive spirits. We still all have our moments - it remains hard at times. But there is food in the pantry, I've made some new friends, my son is graduating with wonderful memories and a solid athletic, musical, social and academic foundation behind him, relations between my family members have improved, I've still managed to maintain a long distance relationship with Sam despite numerous obstacles and the new year ahead seems brighter! And I've realized you can manage to survive without a Starbucks for over a year and still come out okay. In fact, maybe you come out ahead in the end, because that tea and brownie were so much more savored and truly appreciated compared to the days just three years ago when a weekly Starbucks visit was a routine part of my life.

Making Spirits Bright

Poor snow covered pumpkins. It is so cold outside. And more snow coming - 8 inches over the weekend. We go from 60 degrees to single digits in a matter of days. Typical for us here.

But this morning when I was out early scraping the car, there was the most glorious and colorful sunrise. Of course, by the time I ran in for my camera and back out to take a picture, the colors had faded and the moment had passed. Seeing that sunrise though was a special blessing. It inspired me and gave me some hope. I was feeling good vibes about my job interview.

The interview went as well as it could. It couldn't have gone any better. I felt totally at home at the agency - the job is a great fit for me, and in fact, there are two openings. I'm an even better fit for the case mgr. opening because of my master's. The other job involves more work out in the field/community with some flexible evening and weekend hours. The case mgr. job is during the day and I'd be home for volleyball, band concerts and track meets. The HR rep and I got on very well. It is a small non-profit agency and that type of environment is where I have always felt most at home. Now I have to wait to be called for a second interview. But even if I don't get one of these jobs, applying for it and then interviewing for them has done me a world of good.

I felt renewed confidence talking about my previous experience which is extensive along with my volunteer work. These are almost entry level positions but I explained I am fine with that since I am reentering the job force having been out some time. This agency would be getting a great deal hiring me. I am a dedicated and very hard worker. But if it doesn't go I am motivated to keep up the search and to continue to find an entry back into the arena of social services where I belong again.

So I'm still set to start the restaurant job on Monday but I sure hope the agency moves fast and a positive result occurs because I'm not that much looking forward to working there. Although I'll do what I have to do. Having been given a glimpse of where I could end up is like holding that elusive carrot just out of reach of the poor hungry rabbit.

I received an invitation to a holiday party being held by a very pleasant and interesting lady downstairs, which is tomorrow night. I have decided to go although the boys will be at a basketball game with their friends. It has turned out that most of the residents of this complex are very nice, decent people. It will be another positive change to have an opportunity to have a drink and some snacks while getting to know them better. I wish I were in a better position to invite people over but our apartment is still pretty full of stuff that seems to not have a place. I have put up two little trees though, although the best I could muster up in decorating ideas was to trim the 4 ft. silver tree with mini candy canes. I'm going to see if the boys will join me in making some yarn pom poms. But that is going to be it this year. Still it is something and an improvement from last year. I'd still like to add a few pine boughs to my antique crocks and put them in the kitchen hung with cookie cutter cinnamon ornaments. I'm figuring I can cut some branches while out on a walk but it has been too cold for walks the past week.

Our apartment has been pretty chilly (well, it is very cold outside) and I've been knitting door/draft stoppers for the windows and front door. This is my Christmas gift to myself! I am debating filling them with rice or beans (from the overflow in the pantry) but wonder if that might attract bugs. I'd love some ideas for depleting my rice and dried bean supply. I think, however, that I'll end up filling the stoppers with kitty litter which is often used.

Getting one of these jobs would pull us out of the near poverty bracket and allow me some flexibility in affording food, clothing and a few extras for the boys, as well as those dreaded car repairs. I have to keep up my optimism and hope. I have to continue to believe that the new year will bring better opportunities and an end to some of this hardship. I think that people need a shot of hope to feel hopeful. Maybe it was receiving that bounty of food last week or the fact that we received some gifts from a kind stranger wanting to provide something for my boys. In any event, those displays of generosity have instilled a greater surge of hope within my soul and I am finding that that is a very powerful force!

But maybe the best news of all (kidding) is that the 4-Bean Chili is finally gone! I finished it tonight instead of last night (wanted to avoid chili before my interview and any tummy troubles). It had been in the fridge awhile so I didn't want the boys to eat it. But I have a steel stomach and cannot see ANY food go to waste right now. Thankfully it has departed but right now I cannot look at a bean!

Hello, 2011!

Ran to the store trying to figure out what to make for dinner tonight - French Toast or grilled cheeses. Didn't see any sausage, ham or bacon on sale so decided on the grilled cheese with soup and pears. Passed by the magazine rack and saw the first ones of the new year! Almost felt some relief. Thank goodness 2010 will be over, along with the holidays. I am not into this seasonal festivities and look forward to the month of January. It seems as though there is so much emphasis on Christmas yet by the time it comes, I haven't done near what I need to and I feel even more dejected and down. The alternative as I see it, is to try and prepare for the month of December a little at a time throughout the year. Then it won't sneak up on us and pass us by just as we are getting our bearings.

I loved the headline for Oprah's magazine: "Hello, 2011! 50 Ideas To Make It Your Best Year Yet." I have a feeling in my bones that next year IS going to be better. My son just got a job yesterday, his 18th birthday. He wore a suit and tie to his second interview. The managers were impressed the first time they met my son - his attitude, maturity and ability to get along with people. He impressed them more the second time by showing up 12 minutes early. Now this is not a place where he needed to wear a suit to an interview but he said he wanted the job so much he was still going to wear one. He starts his job on Tuesday and I should mention that a girl from school works there too so he had an in to the job. I believe that an inside contact really helps in this market. That is also how my youngest son got his seasonal summer job too - from someone he knew at school whose mom was in charge of hiring...

Also, today, I got a part time job at a restaurant through a contact - that nice woman at the food pantry who has befriended me knew of the opening and encouraged me to apply. The hours are during the day and I figure I can take it and still look for social services work. It is down the street from our home and would allow me to earn money for food and be at the boys' school events in the evening. I am supposed to start Monday if I accept the job but I also have a REAL job interview tomorrow for an actual honest to goodness social services job that seems it would be a good fit. Full time hours, benefits, tuition reimbursement - the whole shebang. Wish me luck. I went on the restaurant interview as a back up in case I don't get the social services job and for the practice. But again, it illustrates that when you know someone, you can have an in to a job opportunity.

On a final note, I have been affected by the death of Elizabeth Edwards but I'm still reflecting on my feelings. I do think she demonstrated amazing courage, strength, grace and dignity in the face of much loss and especially what she endured after her diagnosis. She is an inspiration to me as I continue to try and rise out of our circumstances. I too can face my trials with courage, strength, grace and dignity.

One Down, Eleven More To Go

Hooray! I made it through the longest and my least favorite month of the year - January.

January Poem by John Updike

The days are short,
The sun is a spark
Hung thin between
The dark and dark.

The snowy footsteps
Track the floor,
And parkas pile up
Near the door.

The river is
A frozen place
Held still beneath
The trees' black lace.

The sky is low.
The wind is gray.
The radiator
Purrs all day.

Updike sure got it right in describing the sun coming out in days between dark and dark! This month went more quickly than I expected. I never made any resolutions at the new year. Part of it was that I knew the early months of the year were going to be hard enough to get through. What was the point of piling on more pressure? I just read that we shouldn't make resolutions until the middle or end of the month anyway. After we've had a chance to let the dust stirred up from the holidays settle and a chance to reflect more consciously.

I am feeling somewhat energized just at the fact that I've made it through a bleak month financially without too much struggle. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected.

Some January Accomplishments

1. Studied for, took and passed the CNA State Certification Exam.
2. Read five novels.
3. Started cleaning out the storage shed.
4. Made a cake and cookies. This is good for someone who loves to bake but hasn't been doing so in about a year.
5. Maintained a pretty optimistic attitude throughout the month despite hardships.
6. Helped the boys study for their finals.
7. Helped the boys settle back into school after their three-week absence.
8. Knit and gave two gift sets as thank you acknowledgments.
9. Made effort to spend more time on self-care than I have by giving myself mental health breaks and focusing on updating beauty routines.
10. Helping Sam out of a jam in regard to his mortgage payment.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the temperature won't be bitterly cold this week.
2. For my morning cup of tea.
3. For the honking call of geese.
4. For antibacterial wet wipes.
5. For oatmeal topped with brown sugar.