I Want to be a Rock Hound

It was the fourth anniversary of my fated remarriage yesterday. Last year with moving and the year before with going through the divorce, I didn't focus or reflect much on the day. But this year there was extra space in my brain and much of the day was spent remembering the actual day, which was so lovely and full of hope. There was the anticipation of happiness which has been so lacking in my life these days.

I won't dwell on the whys or reasons of the marriage's demise. I deeply regret that my ex wasn't able to hang in there a bit longer. I think we had tremendous potential and it saddens me for the wasted and lost opportunities for love.

What I mainly contemplated during the day were all the activities my ex and I used to enjoy and engage in. We had a good time with shared interests and we liked spending time together.

We shared the Sunday paper on mornings spent at the ball field during the boys' baseball games, while sipping Starbucks. My ex introduced me to Starbucks - I'd never been there before meeting him because I am a tea drinker and thought they just served coffee. Boy was I in for a delightful surprise!

We enjoyed going to a Friday night fish fry in my locality - it became a tradition on our weekends. Since our breakup two years ago, I've never been back and the food was so good! I miss it.

I used to knit while my ex read the paper (he was a paper reading fanatic) and I found a vintage cross stitch sampler of a couple with the woman knitting while the husband read the paper. It was so cute and symbolized us as a couple.

We collected American antique art glass at my suggestion because I wanted us to have a new hobby we started together. We both got very into it and amassed a lovely collection by the time we divorced. He ended up with the entire collection and I wish he had been gracious enough to at least offer me one of the pieces as a memory. Since the divorce, Sam and I started our own little collection and I've gotten some of the smaller, less expensive pieces on my own. But it doesn't compare with the hours that my ex and I spent talking about our collection, sorting, organizing and cataloging it. It brought us a great deal of joy - just looking at it and remembering where and when we found certain pieces.

My ex and I shared the interest of rock collecting and had plans to hunt for fossils, diamonds and gem stones across the country. I had visions of displaying our finds in cases. We also loved to travel and had hoped to take short and long trips around and about.

And gardening! He was into vegetables and I was into flowers. I had ideas of revamping the back yard and turning the patio into a relaxing retreat.

We did some cooking together too. And both of us liked to get dressed up once in awhile for a fancy night on the town. I had hoped to entertain for his co-workers and have family over for big holiday celebrations.

When we read, he shared his news stories and he liked me telling him about the novels I was reading.

All such wonderful and fun shared interests and activities. Thinking of them throughout the other day I felt mostly happy because these are things that charge and excite me. I miss having them in my life. Basically my life is pretty much drudgery with not much enjoyment. When you have all that inspiration and creativity in your life shared with someone and then it just disappears it is hard to cope with that loss.

I want this stuff back in my life but lack the funds, time or partner to share them all with. I want to be a rock hound. I want to find a fellow rock hound to go rock hounding with me. Anyone out there? Chili chef and gardening fanatic are optional but would be nice too!

What I noticed most about my day of reminiscing was how little I write or even reflect of things that bring me happiness. Thinking of these activities brought me quite a bit of joy even thought I wasn't actually doing any of them. I sure need some more joy in my life.

Greater Losses than Vacations

My brother is taking his wife and three kids to Hawaii where my other brother lives for a week and a half over the holidays. I do not begrudge him this vacation. He works hard and like all of us deserves time off. I am just sad that the boys and I have not been able to go anywhere the past years. When my husband was alive we took the boys to The Field of Dreams, Mt. Rushmore, The Outer Banks, Niagra Falls, Canada and lots of small trips to Wisconsin. We had plans in the works to go to Colorado and Arkansas. Now I wish we had used some of the insurance money, small as it was, to go somewhere - anywhere.

It is not just the vacations that we have all missed. The boys have truly been deprived of so much over the years. A strong male presence; a father to rely and depend on; assistance with math and science homework; someone to teach them guy stuff, like how to put on a tie; a stronger disciplinary enforcer than I am; an adult male to talk with about girls, sex and guy problems - I could go on and on if I wanted to think more about it but I don't. Point being, my sons have been deprived spiritually and emotionally. It breaks my heart so many times a day when something comes up where the reality of them not having a father is so vivid and apparent.

And that is partly why I am struggling so much with the move and still not convinced it is the right thing to do. My boys have worn used clothing, lived without cable, received mostly used electronics and have not had a vacation in years. Their Dad died. They have no Dad and have not had one for six years, although you could really say eight, since the two years he was sick he was often at the hospital.

I can't give my boys a trip to Hawaii. I can't give them much help with math or science. I can't bring their Dad back. The only thing I can do is to try and keep them in their beloved hometown and school. They've already faced so much pain and heartbreak. I don't want them to feel anymore. Please spare them more agony and misery. We are not a "normal" family like the one that will be flying into Hawaii from Chicago in a few days. Decisions and solutions right for "normal" families aren't applicable in this case. The rules that used to be in place were chucked in the garbage six years ago.

Mourning Dreams and the Future

When I was first dating my second husband, I told him that some of the grief over my husband's death was from what was lost for the future. All the dreams that we had shared, that would now not come true. For me that included retiring to Wisconsin, which we probably would have planning to do in three years when the boys graduated from high school. It was also our dream for our sons to go to college in Wisconsin.

My new husband told me that this observation had a profound impact on him. It had never struck him that you could grieve for what hadn't yet occurred. I am finding myself now grieving all of what has been lost in my second marriage - the plans, hopes and dreams we shared.

It is funny because I was doing something in the family room and an old episode of Frasier was on - a show I did not watch. This one had Frasier taking a call from a woman who had broken up with her boyfriend eight months before and could not seem to move on and get over him. Frasier pointed out to the woman that she was mourning the life she wasn't going to have and she needed to let go of that dream and move on.

I came across similar advice in a book I was reading by life coach Rhonda Britten, author of "Fearless Loving." She also proclaims that those of us grieving what we hoped for the future, need to let it go and concentrate on our lives in the here and now. She says, "It comes down to a willingness to get over what you think should have happened and accept the reality of the present moment." Very well-said, wise words but as I keep on finding, much easier to think about and agree with than actually follow.

I read books like this and I think the expectation is to be able to adapt the new way of acting right away - but in reality it is a long process. Some days are better than others. So you reflect on the vanished dreams and mourn them and then try to shift back to the present and focus on that. A back and forth, give and take road, weaving and curving instead of going in a straight line.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Still having a job (they haven't fired me yet).
2. Being able to sleep at night.
3. That I haven't had an emotional breakdown.
4. That I can still smile and laugh.
5. That I can think of the dreams I had with both of my husbands and feel tremendous loss that they will not come true but also gladness that I even had them in the first place!