Angela's Ashes

Just finished Frank McCort's memoir, Angela's Ashes. I have had this book on my shelf for years and avoided reading it because I knew it would be sad. There was already so much sadness going on in my life already, I didn't want to bring more in. But in March, I always try to read a few books by Irish authors. And I'd read a quick one by Maeve Binchey so decided before the month ended I'd finally pick up Angela's Ashes. I finished it in two-three days. And now wish I had someone to discuss it with. It is yes a sad book, but very impacting. So you forgive the sadness.

What would I want to discuss? The role of the Catholic church in the lives of its followers; the funny parts of the book; how angry I was at Frank's father for his alcoholism; the anger I felt at Frank's family for knowingly treating he and his family poorly; the relationship between ignorance and poverty. That would just be a start. I will definitely have to get the sequel "'Tis" as soon as I am able, because now I am on pins and needles wanting to know what happens next. And I had forgotten that this memoir was made into a movie so I can look forward to seeing that too.

I guess the tie in here to widowhood is how much I miss having someone to talk to, really talk to about books, life, my feelings, dreams, fears, etc. You can't have much of a meaningful conversation with the grocery check-out clerk. Both of my husbands filled this role, and I will have to say that my second husband and I talked much more at length and at a deeper level than my first husband and I did. He also asked me to always relate the plots of the books I was reading and I appreciated his interest. To have someone ask you to fully relate the plot of the book you've finished and to really be interested in your rendition of it!

I brought up my desire to discuss this book while I was at my knit club and someone shot back with, "Join a book club." Boy, I've heard that one a lot over the years. But I guess what I'm missing here is not so much the need to discuss a book, but the deeper need for intimacy with another person.

At the volleyball tournament tonight as I sat alone in the stands, I looked at the couples around me. They seemed so familiar with one another. To know someone so well as to have them be predictable - that is a good thing. I imagined these couples going home tonight and into their beds and then making love with one another. Each of them so familiar with one another that the curves and creases of their known bodies bring them comfort, safety and a sense of security. As well as excitement.

This October I would have been married to husband #1 for 20 years and we would have shared the intimacy I felt radiate from the couples on the stands with me. I have never been excited about the prospect of dating again because it will be fun to get to know someone and all the stuff about the glow of new love. The first time husband #1 and I had sex I remember saying to him, "Oh, just let's do it to get it over with. After this first time it will start getting way better."

Talking about Angela's Ashes would lead to more deeper conversation. I hope someday to have the level of intimacy I shared with both my husbands. I hope to feel that familiarity that comes from really knowing someone and accepting them, flaws and all. And in fact loving them for their flaws.

Table For One

Was busier than normal at work today so didn't get out as early as I usually do. Rushed to the store for the "Friday Family" $5.00 dinner special, which tonight was fish and chips. Added some coleslaw, then off to the dry cleaners to pick up my son's show choir outfit as they leave tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. to perform in Wisconsin. My youngest called me en route to ask when I'd be home as he was very hungry. Ditto for the oldest boy.

Started dinner as soon as I was in the door, which only consisted of heating the oven to 450 and getting the fish and chips on a baking tray and putting them in. But the half hour baking time turned out to be too much for my sons to wait for. The youngest got picked up for a trip to the mall and then my oldest flew off to a 4-H meeting. When did he join 4-H? He is in too many activities as it is!

So I'm left with a pan of cooked fish and chips that will no doubt end up soggy by the time the boys get home. And I'm on my own again, tired with a sink full of dirty dishes, laundry to get done since my son needs some things washed for the show choir performance (his special undershirt that the boys need since they wear sequined shirts which are itchy).

I have my own fish and chips dinner - but a Jenny Craig version. Just feeling a bit down and out that it is another Friday night on my lonesome. I can't even imagine going out for dinner or on a date right now. I'm tired and have to work again tomorrow. On the bright side I hope Dateline is on and I can knit and/or read. But I never was prepared for evenings like this. I always thought that once the boys were this age and off and about with their friends, my husband and I would have the freedom to catch a movie or show together. This wasn't supposed to be the plan. Gosh, even making a quick dinner together and playing a game of cards with my husband would be preferable to the silence that permeates my home space and brings on a touch of sadness right now.

Husbands and Scarves

I subscribe to a couple daily crafting email newsletters that offer free patterns and I enjoy receiving them and browsing the creative possibilities. The other day, the following message from the editor was this: "Nothing makes me feel more comfortable, cozy and safe than a knit garment (Sorry, Husband)." I'd like to rewrite that comment to: "Nothing makes ME feel more comfortable, cozy and safe than a husband (Sorry, Scarf!)."

Well, what can you say to that comment? I suppose it is meant as a cute little joke and the married women can all smile and nod together. I've knit myself a really nice soft multi-toned scarf in autumn colors, a great rib pattern and last week knit the one for my oldest son's girlfriend. As much as I dearly love knitting and the products that I end up from just a ball of yarn and two sticks (I still am amazed at this), there is no comparison to a warn blooded decent guy sleeping next to me in bed. That is what makes me feel comfortable, cozy and safe. Forget the scarves! Oh, well! To have both the husband and the scarf, now that would really be comfort, coziness and safety!

I solved my dilemma about not having a project with me when having to wait at events by taking the time to come up with a simple project to keep in my purse. Now I'll never have to feel envious of other moms knitting away because I've been too busy or rushed to grab my project before "running" out the door. This is a simple k1, p1 rib in a lovely shade of Kiwi wool that I'll add flowers to in bright colors of orange, pink and red. So a little bit of planning solved that issue. And since putting it in my purse, I've yet had an opportunity to work on it - but I know it is there and I'll keep it with me all winter if need be, since it can also be worn in early spring if it takes that long to complete!

There is a Lion Brand scarf pattern that I have seen that is super long and I'm kind of motivated to craft it as a sign to the Universe to send that great, decent guy over my way. The scarf is so long it can be shared between two people. How cute! There is another cute pattern I've seen of a sweater knit for two people to wear at once and I've always thought that if I remarry that would be fun to wear but I have my doubts that a guy would go for my sense of creativity and humor. I've had the nice wedding at the hotel and the big church extravaganza. Next time I'd love something fun and very different - Vegas wearing the sweater and scarf for two!

Puzzle Pieces

The week before last served as a kind of catharsis for me. I knew there was stuff going on at the time, but now with a week between and a chance to look back, I can really see the significance.

The week started with that crazy toe injury suffered by my oldest, that required a 2:00 a.m. ER visit. That made me reflect on health and deal with the tiring "only parenting" issue. The importance of my own health which has been an issue of late is all tied up with that too.

After that incident, I went out later in the week to apply for four jobs in my field of social services within nursing home settings. This was a major accomplishment for me because I think I am still suffering from lowered self-esteem due to my divorce and loss of home. Anyway, despite not being able to find my good dress shoes, I put on my interviewing outfit (nice pants and classy jacket) and hit the pavement. And I dealt with the shoes I found hoping no one would really notice my feet. This all relates around work, employment, financial security and redefining my purpose in the world.

One of the days I was out on the job hunt, the HR office was closed for lunch and I hit a local yarn store near the area to kill an hour. This is a store I used to frequent on almost a weekly basis and I became quite friendly with the owner. But I haven't gone in for about a year due to the house sale, lack of funds, and so on. The owner implored me to stop by again soon for more chatting whether or not I want to purchase some yarn. So this event relates to the area of friendship and personal interests.

Now what gets interesting is that while I was in the shop, two nice middle-aged women came in and we all got to talking. Turns out, the women belong to a group of 20 who meet at a local knitting club the town over. They invited me to join them. I was reminded of my need to build up new friendships and what better way for me to do this while engaging in my number one hobby! The women had some commonalities with me - there are two widows in the group, although they are older. There are other women also in transition with kids finishing college - so maybe not a bad group to check out. They meet at a Panera type bakery place that I know well and love, with a fireplace and chocolate croissants.

Then, another interesting aspect to all of this. In talking with these two fellow knitters, one of them mentioned that she has gone back to school to take the year-long Library Assistant Program which is something I have considered doing and want to do myself. It seemed like a sign to hear about this and the woman would be a contact to have in the program if I decide to start with a class at the local junior college this winter. So I took this as a coincidence or sign or whatever you want to call it, reminding me to hold fast to my dreams about what I want to accomplish in the future and to work at a job because I enjoy it and it brings me contentment and satisfaction.

Well, the week ended with my trip to ALDI where I overheard a middle-aged guy talking into his cell with his other half about the grocery list. And he signed off with "I love you." I stood there in the aisle and thought to myself, I am 51 years young and I want to be able to say those words to a partner again. That is important to me. I'm not going to give up on that dream either. There needs to be romantic love in my life again.

So the whole week kind of morphed into all these individual puzzle pieces that when put together assemble what is most dear to me. Like a representation of my current life and what it needs to become - all that reinvention and transformation energy that needs to be undertaken for me to move on.

As I've mentioned before, a life change seems so insurmountable because there are so many components involved:

1. Continuing to parent as an only parent.
2. Being more conscious of the importance of good health for both the boys and I.
3. Developing a new network of friends.
4. Pursing my own interests and hobbies.
5. Getting and working at a decent job now.
6. Building up some financial security.
7. Increasing my self-esteem, self-worth.
8. Taking the steps to enter the Library Assisting Program so I can begin an enjoyable second career in the future.
9. Increasing the love in my life.
1o. Learning to live a full, content and happy life on my own even without a partner right now.

I know when I think of these puzzle pieces in my head they seem overwhelming to accomplish but when I set them down as I did above, they don't seem that unreachable. Just like a jigsaw puzzle. You do a few pieces at a time. Sometimes you get a lot filled in, sometimes you don't. But you keep working to complete the entire puzzle.

I think this is why I felt the resentment I did over the summer, as I interacted with all the married moms at the baseball games. Those moms don't have to reinvent their lives right now - find love again, restart careers, make new friends, parent on their lonesome, figure out how to get a new handle on their lives. This rebuilding of a life takes such a lot of energy and strength and work. I'd much rather not be doing any of this. I had a good life before. And now I'm left to put together a really hard 1,000 piece puzzle by myself when I'm tired and sad and lonely. The choice is throwing the box into the garbage or opening it and dumping out the pieces to start the puzzle. I'm going to open the box as much as I wish I didn't have to.

More Being Real

This is a continuation of my previous post on being real and the view of society to get over our grief asap. Life coach Dr. John H. Shlare gave the advice that to get out of heartache we stop focusing on what we don't have and focus on what we do. Easier said than done. I get irritated at all the self-help suggestions that fail to give suggestions at the end. What should the grief-stricken focus on when their worlds have collapsed and their grief is centered on what has been lost and the missing loved one?

Case in point - yesterday I had to venture into our quaint and adorable little suburban enclave to drop items off at the resale shop. The local farmer's market was going on, the fountains were flowing, the pots of flowers blooming. Lovely and pretty as a picture to be sure. Now just insert all the cute young families going out to a leisurely breakfasts after Junior's little league game. Notice all the middle-aged couples shopping for fresh vegetables and wine at the market so they can prepare a special Saturday night dinner together which will be shared on the patio. Everywhere I looked were families and couples and no single, tired looking middle-aged moms like myself. It was depressing and disheartening.

We live in such a couple's dominated society. On Thursday nights I watch the new comedy "The Marriage Ref," which pokes fun at married people's squabbles. All the commercials are geared to couples. The gossip magazines follow the latest couplings of the stars. The message I've been receiving is that something is wrong with me because I'm not part of a twosome. I feel embarrassed in addition to the great loneliness. Often I tell people I'm a widow because it makes me feel less of a loser.

I'm supposed to feel happy and excited about being able to date and the freedom of singlehood. But I tell you, middle-aged dating is exhausting. I'm too tired to make much of an effort now. I've already put myself out there since my husband's death and I'm not sure I can do it again. Maybe if I were younger. I'm missing the drive and energy. All that being upbeat and smiling, putting on the happy face! Getting to know someone is kind of like a job and I already had put my time in with my marriage. I look at the matronly middle-aged women with their men at the farmer's market and wonder how they would handle being newly single and "out there." I am bitter and weary.

So with all that said, now lets turn it around and focus on what I do have! A life with two sometimes ornery and difficult teen boys, the youngest who can take his anger and frustrations over his Dad's death on me. I'm struggling financially doing the best to make ends meet just barely. I can focus on my health (although I think it is rapidly declining as the result of always feeling depressed, lonely and stressed). I do have a roof over my head. But quite honestly, those things don't come to the forefront of my mind when I'm in the swarm of suburban families and couples, all smiling and looking as though they should be on the cover of postcards with the heading: "This is happiness!"

It's all well and good to be advised to stop focusing on what I don't have. But a little challenging when what you don't have was taken from you without just cause. And all you can see around you is evidence of what you once had, what you once loved and valued.

I don't want to hear advice from people who aren't in my situation. Dr. Phil, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Dr. John Shlare should consult with a panel made up of people who have actually been widowed, as well as divorced. Get the advice straight from the horse's mouth. And please throw in some practical suggestions besides just telling me what to do. Those of us fighting grief sometimes don't know which direction to turn and we could use a push.

Time Doesn't Heal All Things

Thursday was the Senior Farewell band concert - a teary, emotional evening. There was some stress leading up to the night. My oldest had a detention after school for chewing gum in band class no less, along with a volleyball game - at least it was a home game. That meant I was in charge of making sure he had his band tux and volleyball uniform, along with a sack dinner since he wouldn't have time to come home. Turns out he forgot his dress-up shoes and I had to get them to him before the concert.

As usual, sitting in the auditorium before the concert I was struck by the loneliness I feel. It is a constant and dull ache that magnifies when I attend events like this one because in doing so, I can visualize my being alone as well. In this case, the school theater was packed with couples, families and grandparents who'd also come. Having arrived early to drop off the shoes, I could see the people come in and noted that there were only a handful of us sitting alone.

Then it seemed as though the theater lighting was somehow centering on and illuminating all the wedding rings and bands worn on the left hands of the audience members. Anytime I looked around, I saw a ring glinting in the light or I'd spy the arm of a husband casually resting around his wife's shoulder.

I felt the rage I feel as a victim (if my husband hadn't died I wouldn't be alone), along with the envy for all these fortunate married folks. Then there is some self-pity and even embarrassment at having to sit alone. I always feel a huge sense of sadness for the losses my sons have endured - seeing all the dads brings that on.

It takes such darn emotional energy to keep attending these events, over and over always alone. People have stopped making the effort to seek me out for a word or two and I have stopped pasting a smile on my face and pretending that I'm having a grand old time. I love supporting my sons in their activities and always feel a huge source of pride but it does come with a price.

I'm surprised that instead of getting easier, it just all seems to get harder and more painful. You'd think with the passing of time that I'd be more accepting of my situation and more used to attending events on my own. Funny how that is not turning out to be the case.

Also, what I felt for the first time on Thursday night was quite distressing to me. As I looked around the packed auditorium, the thought went through my mind that I have so little in common anymore with all the married, upper-middle class suburban parents living in my community. It was a very scary realization. The longer I go as a widowed mom here on my own, the greater the divide is growing. Too much has happened to me over the past seven to eight years. It has gone beyond the death of my husband now to include a failed marriage, the loss of a home and severe financial difficulties.

A man came in late and sat in front of me. I observed his large, well-fed body, his expensive business suit and the gleam of his gold wedding band. I tried to imagine going on a date with him if he was single and I couldn't. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll be able to interact with "normal" people or even go on a date with someone in the future. Too much has changed inside me in too short a time period. I'm not saying I'm better than others, just that I no longer live, relate, think, dream, talk, laugh, smile or even sleep like the woman I once was.

I only want to be with others who have experienced some pain and loss because they have some familiarity with what I have experienced. I worry about the dating pool being overflowing with divorced folks. Divorce is different than death and I don't feel on the same playing field with the dating middle-aged people out there. I'm not sure I believe there is a man out there willing to take the time to get to really know and accept me for the woman I have become. Heck, I even have doubts that I have the verbal capability to get through a two-hour date with someone and engage in a normal conversation! Any questions from "Where did you go on your last vacation?" to "What is your family like?" would all involve some aspect of loss.

What I felt on Thursday night was that I fear I am facing a future of loneliness and solitude without a life partner. And that realization on top of everything else - the daily grind of just living and having to parent on my own is a harsh dose of reality I don't want.

As Time Goes By

A brief perusal of online personal ads shows me a glimpse of what single people out there want. It looks like in 95% of cases, people want to be happy, optimistic and to have fun. And they want their future partners to be happy, optimistic and having fun too with the addition of no baggage! I can't relate to that. Having fun? For me, having fun would be going to the grocery store and filling up my cart without adding up every purchase in my head beforehand - to actually even be able to afford $50.00 of groceries at one time. Having fun? To watch a DVD at home. Right now, our DVD player is broken and I don't even have a spare $30.00 to replace it. It would be nice to go anywhere for a glass of wine and some good conversation - to have someone actually listen to me and care about my views and outlook. Or to maybe ask me my opinion on something. Having fun? I just want to feel safe, secure, comforted and with the knowledge that I have someone to lean on every once in awhile when the going gets tough.

Having fun? What does that mean? Excitement? Sex? Adventure? Trying new things? Laughing? Joking? Only having a good time? Forget all that. Give me safety and security. Dullness, the known, predictability, sameness. I want the same old, same old.

There is a t.v. show I try to watch every Sat. night when it airs on my PBS station (we don't get cable). It is a British comedy called "As Time Goes By," starring Dame Judy Dench and Geoffrey Palmer. It ran for a good many years and is about an older couple who fell in love during the Korean War. There was a mishap with their communication and they ended up apart. The story picks up 40 years later when they are reunited, fall in love again (although they had never really stopped loving each other) and then getting married.

The episodes are about their new life together. He is an author and she is newly retired. She has a daughter and there is an assortment of quirky friends and family members that round out the cast. There is nothing hot and heavy going on under the sheets. No one is jumping out of airplanes. One episode centers on their activity of cleaning out the house and giving items away to the charity shop. Or how the family bands together when the daughter suffers a breakup.

Now this is what is exciting to me. Families supporting one another through thick and thin. A happily married couple, comfortable and content to create a stew together on a cold winter Saturday. The ordinary, every day little occurrences. Many shows end with Jean and Lionel going to bed at the end of the day. They often read a bit before turning off the light and it is that scene that causes my heart to pound. That is what I miss in my own life and what I hope to someday have again. The ability to read together in bed with my loved one. Maybe 95% of the singles out there would find that boring and mundane. It is a treasured dream and fantasy for me.

I'm not sure what the likelihood of me finding a suitable partner out there is. I am honest when I say I can't relate to those out there seeking fun, excitement and happiness. My therapist told me she did not think I'd be able to have a successful relationship with a man who hadn't experienced some hardship in his life. She said it would be difficult for someone who'd lived a relatively "happy" life to relate with me. Boy, just another hurdle to have to jump over. It is hard enough finding a decent guy out there, now I have to find one who has suffered hardship.

Not that I have any interest in going out there and hitting the pavement anyway right now. Now is not the time. I am terribly disillusioned and depressed. Definitely not the happy, optimistic, fun seeking person single men are looking for. Of course they also want a nice looking woman, and I feel careworn and as though I've aged overnight. I think I wear my inner sorrow on the outside now and it is not that attractive, I'll admit. The loss of the house, the move, going back to work, parenting on my own, handling the apartment and all the financial stuff alone has just caught up with me. It has taken a toll the past months.

I would have to be with someone who could share a deep conversation and someone looking for more than just a good time. Everything that has happened the past few years has impacted me to a level where I'm not the same person I once was. I can't just laugh for the sake of laughing anymore. I am jaded, no question about it. How do you find someone compatible with that? I don't think it is easy. I would also want a man who could understand and appreciate the decisions I've made for my sons. Someone who'd see the choices I've made without putting me down, as my second husband did.

Plus, I've put my heart out there a couple times now and have had less than favorable endings. I used to think that I could always find a partner with whom to have a relationship. I've reached the point where I have a much sobered reality. I actually think it is possible that I could die alone. That there isn't a match for me out there. Anyway, I don't have the time or energy right now to even look. Let this magical, miracle guy come to me for a change. I'm tired of putting myself out there and really taking a chance, especially after having faced the loss of a husband due to death.

Tonight I watched an hour (two episodes) of "As Time Goes By" and as usual was charmed by the gentle and peaceful love portrayed by Jean and Lionel. And I was wistful for their unexciting but filling and happy life. Forget the excitement and having fun. When I think of love and a couple I admire, I see these two.

Personal Ad

Wanted: Ordinary, predictable, comfortable life with a loving partner who is willing to work out conflicts and life's little snags with conversation and devotion. Having fun is defined by cooking, reading and antiquing together. Nothing fancy. And it is perfectly okay to sometimes feel less than optimistic and a little down. That is what a good hot cup of tea is for and a comforting embrace. Support, kindness, compassion and understanding are the mutually agreed upon values of the relationship with along a touch of laughter and humor. Materialism is at the bottom of the list and a life seeking internal knowledge and growth is aspired to.

Do you know that I've actually seen some ads where the guys have said the women they are seeking must have decent jobs, fancy cars and want to have a lot of sex? My goodness! I don't think these guys are watching "As Time Goes By" or that they'd understand, much less appreciate the values that show portrays.

For a little while every week, I get to be whisked away into a life that melts my heart and gets my tummy all fuzzy. All that from a scene of an older, married, settled couple chopping carrots together at the kitchen table. NOW THAT IS EXCITING!

Tonight I briefly spoke to Sam and he mentioned that he hasn't filled his bed yet. Maybe I'd still want to consider moving to be with him? I'm just too worn and depleted to go into all of that right now. Our relationship has been on the back burner the past few months and we haven't seen one another since mid-February. It is like I have been living this separate life from him on my own and handling all of these hardships alone. I feel disconnected from him. And then I have the boys, always the boys to think about. I don't want to go into all of that right now. I just want a few more moments to smile as I think back on my show - it does give me a bit of pleasure that I can count on.

Touching, Hugging, Holding and Feeling

There is such a huge void from the lack of physical contact with a partner. Sex is a part of that, but only a part. It is more missing the actual presence of someone in the same space, be it the home, the car or the bed.

I'm a very touchy/feely person and miss the opportunities to reach out and take my partner's hand or give a hug. At work, I often hold the residents hands or give them a caress of the shoulder. I take care when washing the residents hair - one man told me how nice it felt to have his scalp massaged and he was grateful.

I bring this up because it is yet another loss and one that seems to be overlooked. It is not only the emotional loneliness but the physical loneliness and lack of personal contact.

I'm not sure there is much anyone can do about this but endure it. My sons are tolerant of my hugs and pats but they are the result of my reaching out to them. If I didn't hug them, I wouldn't be getting any physical contact. I suppose this may be a reason people eventually get back out there and start dating again. I know for me, I've about reached my limit on the lonely life.

I don't know who will ever read this post or when. I do know I have a need to put these words out there in the belief that they may reach someone who will need to see them. I mainly want to increase the perception of what widowhood is like for those who don't know it. Imagine going home night after night to an empty house and sleeping in a bed alone for years! I am surprised I haven't jumped off a bridge yet in frustration! It is another aspect of a challenging life.

Sex is a great way to release tension. It is also a way to connect with others and to feel loved, desired, cared for and wanted. And it can be an energizer. Funny, how those of us most in need of these things are the most lacking.

I hope more than anything that these posts have reached or will reach people with the message that losing a spouse is so much more than what meets the eye. There are so many layers to the loss - so many intricacies to the widowhood life. I hope people will look beyond what they see to the insides of the grieving - their emotions, hearts and souls.

Right before I started dating my second husband, I started checking out the few single men I knew of, including the kind of creepy middle-aged guy who bagged my purchases at the grocery store! I can look back on that and laugh - but it isn't really all that funny either!

When One Door Closes...

When I was going through my divorce, I bought a lovely little necklace from the Signals catalog of a door. The door opened up to display the wording, "When one door closes, another one opens." These words were a powerful motivation for me during that cruelly trying time.

I reflect on those words now and this current topic. During the period of my divorce, I corresponded by email with a wonderful father of four living downstate, three hours away. He had total custody of his children and our relationship progressed to the point of interacting daily by email. We did talk occasionally on the phone and even met once. I considered him more of a good friend and he is the one person I can say really understood what my life of widowhood was like and being an only parent. We often commiserated and compared parenting notes. We had planned to meet again when he came to my area for a work seminar, but those plans fell through when his mother died.

I am sure our relationship would have deepened if we lived closer to one another. As it was, last summer when I was up to my eyeballs in trying to prepare my house to be sold and all of that, I decided to end our interaction, solely due to the distance between us. Sam was fully aware of my friendship and wasn't threatened. But for all involved, I felt it was time to let it go.

Early this year, I decided to check and see how my friend was doing. He got back to me with the news that he had remarried right around Valentine's Day. Wonderful news and lucky for him to have met a nice woman within that six month time period between when I'd last communicated with him (July). I will admit feeling a little envious and even some regret. The man I'd chosen to continue with in a relationship hadn't wanted the commitment of marriage. I questioned whether I'd picked the wrong guy. But no, I can't think like that - there was the distance factor and my resolve to have the boys finish high school where they are.

I have to console myself with the knowledge that there are men out there who want to get married. I was talking with my oldest today about dating and I mentioned that I don't feel I've been very lucky in/with love since the death of my spouse. My son said it is not so much that I haven't been lucky, just that I haven't had a relationship where the man lives in the same area.

Anyway, what really has given me solace are the words on that door necklace. I want to believe that perhaps I had something to do with my friend meeting his new wife. My letting go caused him to reach out, or get out there or do something different that resulted in his meeting her! Now that is pretty darn amazing. One door closed for my friend, but boy did it open! What a happy ending considering he had recently lost his home due to foreclosure. He told me that he and his new wife are buying an old five-bedroom farmhouse through a contract arrangement. I wonder if it is the farmhouse I saw for sale when I checked out real estate listings in his town, just for fun. I remember looking at that listing and thinking it would have been a good fit.

My friend is proof that you can survive foreclosure and divorce and move on to a new, hopeful and happy life. I want to believe that his story can be experienced by all of us and that someday I too may be able to joyfully speak of an opportunity for another chance at marriage and living in a home again.

The latest piece of motivational jewelery that I am interested in is from Jane Seymour's line at Kay Jewelers. They feature two open, intertwined hearts. Her inspiration for creating the line came from a saying of her mother's - that as long as you keep your heart open, love will find its way to you. I hope it finds a way back to my heart too.

Wanting A New Life

I'm not going to apologize for who I am or what I want anymore. All through this widowhood journey I have heard the comments, "Be strong," "You can do it" or "You HAVE to do it on your own," "You don't need a man to survive," "Why would you ever want to get married again?" and my all time favorite, "Put your big girl panties on and go plunge that overflowing toilet!"

Well, it's been six years of this and I'm sick and tired of it. I don't like plunging out toilets on my own and I don't want to. I'm lonely sleeping alone and I'm not looking forward to handling this year's taxes on my own because they will be more complicated with the house sale. I want a partner standing next to me and going with me to the accountant. A partner saying, "Okay, we'll face this bankruptcy thing together and we'll get past it, together."

I'm not going to pretend anymore that I'm strong and competent and able to live on my own. I've already proven that over the past years. I've gotten through a whole ton of hardships by myself - more than what most people have to face in a lifetime, much less on their own. IF ANYTHING, what I am coming to see and understand is that life has been a whole heck of a lot worse for me because of being alone. It's okay for me to admit that I'm not always strong and not always competent.

I do my best with someone by my side, tackling problems and even just living through life in general. I thrive as a team player and was happiest as a married mom. I have felt like a displaced person since my being on my own. It is not weak to admit what you want and need. It is positive and shows strength. If I do better overall and am happiest married, why wouldn't I want that in my life again? Why do I have to listen to these crappy comments from others telling me that I should be able to handle life on my own. Well, I don't want to anymore, quite frankly I suck at it and would be a far better and more productive parent and life citizen if I had the security and comfort of being remarried.

That is not to say that I am going to remarry just for the sake of getting remarried. It means I am not going to put myself down for what I want and it means I can go on from here seeking that. I don't have to put my head down for wanting to be a wife again. I am standing tall and proud and shouting to the Universe, "You know I can plunge the toilet myself, and go to the hardware store alone, and take out the garbage on my own too - but it is a heck of a lot easier, more tolerable and even fun doing it with a loving partner! So Universe, I'm letting you know that I don't have to be doing all this stuff on my lonesome anymore, FYI."

One of the Law of Attraction books I'm reading right now talks about how men and women are wired differently. In general, men respond to stress in physical ways working harder, doing physical tasks, being independent and courageous. Women, on the other hand thrive and require nurturing when stressed - extra cuddles, hugs, warm words of encouragement and love. That type of response is exactly what I seek and need but by living alone, I am unable to get the real support necessary to give me the strength and energy to face conflict and stress. So of course, if I'm not getting what I want and need it would translate into someone not being fulfilled and happy. I am also sick and tired of the belief that we can make ourselves happy and shouldn't rely on someone else to fulfill us. True to an extent, but not entirely. A loving partner enhances our lives, doesn't complete it. I'm looking for that enhancement right now.

All those comments about being strong and handling everything on my own have grated on me so much because they are not helpful for me to hear. For me, a comment along the lines of "Gosh I know this is so hard for you and it sucks and is hard but hang in there. I'll go with you to the accountant and be there for you. And now I'll give you a long hug." The Tough Love strategy is wasted on me - it just makes me feel worse and then guilty for not being able to measure up - or for not liking that I am living on my own and having to do all this stuff on my own.

There is also research out there pointing to how as human beings we are also wired to be interconnected. We seek out close relationships with others and they are as necessary to our survival as food, water and air. Being in a relationship allows a couple to be at their best both independently and together. Psychologist Sue Johnson says in her workbook for therapists, "Hold Me Tight": "Secure dependence is a sign of health and complements autonomy...The more securely connected we are, the more separate and different we can be." This sounds pretty good to me!

Why do I have to wear my widowhood like a badge of some kind of honor and endure this way of life any longer? I don't like it. I've never liked it. I've had to tolerate it and do the best that I could. But it is time to be honest with myself and not pretend to the world. Saying that I've struggled with widowhood is okay - I don't have to hide I don't like it and that I don't want to continue living this way. So instead of concentrating on what I don't like and don't want anymore I will flip it and devote my thoughts and attention to what I do want to bring into my life: an equal partnership, with both of us holding the reigns but with the security of knowing that one of us can take a break without crashing because the other will still be holding on tight; to share hopes, dreams, fears, hard times and happiness together as a team.

I'm not sure of the future between Sam and I. He doesn't want to get married anytime soon or to commit to that goal. It has been a serious issue between us a number of times in the past. I wanted to break off our relationship at the three month mark and then the eight month mark because of this. It is now a year since last March when he begged me to stay with him. Now we live apart and I remain steadfast in seeing my boys through their last years of high school here. Even when I was thinking about relocating to join him out-of-state, he was not firmly committed to marriage, preferring to live together for awhile. He has criticized me for wanting to get married and to not be content with what we have. But I don't want to settle anymore. It is okay for us to want what we want and be active in seeking that which will fulfill us and make our hearts sing. I don't want to belabor this issue with Sam but felt it necessary to bring up since some readers know about him.

My therapist told me to remember that there are men out there who do want to marry. Sam is not the only fish in the sea. I came across a comment by a single man joining a dating site. He admitted that he doesn't do very well on his own. Another person out there like me! And a male besides! Those of us who don't do well on our own shouldn't be going through life on our own!

I am grateful:

1. For the rain falling.
2. For the longer days of light.
3. For the shorter nights of darkness.
4. For the smell of spring.
5. For the finally melted snow.

Ron Howard Saves the Day!

Last night my son wanted to watch the new Ron Howard produced program called "Parenthood." He had heard it was good. I don't watch much t.v. but decided to view it with him and was pleasantly surprised. The storyline centers around a close California family with four adult children, now raising their own kids. The oldest daughter has just moved back home with her parents to get back on her feet after a divorce with her musician, drug using and dealing husband. She has two teenagers, a boy and girl. The daughter is smoking cigarettes and pot. The son wants to go back home to live with his dad. Another son, also with two kids is kicked off his son's little league team as the coach for badgering an umpire who called out his son. The son, age 8 is experiencing learning and social problems - the school suspects he has Asperger's, a high-functioning form of Autism. There is sibling rivalry between the two adult daughters, one of whom is the golden girl high-powered attorney. But it appears that her marriage may not be as strong as she thought it was. The younger brother is portrayed as the commitment phobe. His girlfriend wants to have a baby, NOW, but he is not ready. Then the bomb is dropped at the end of the hour. Turns out he has already fathered a little boy but did not know until now!

Great real stuff. Thank goodness for reality and not hiding the crumbs under the rug! Middle-aged dating after divorce is one of the topics humorously brought up, along with the grandfather being told off with, "I'm not raising my kids the way you raised me." When the teenage daughter asks her mom why they have to move back with the grandparents, the mom replies, "Because we've run out of money." Just gotta love that! Now it would be great if one of the four adult kids had been widowed or maybe widowhood is reflected between the grandparents in some way. But at this point it is a minor criticism because this is such a refreshing and modern take on life today and I felt they did a very good job at it. I guess divorce is simpler to portray because it is more common for mid-lifers and easier to relate to.

So, maybe there is hope for Hollywood after all! Thank you Ron Howard for having the courage to portray a real family with real issues and real lives. I really believed this was an honest-to- good family that could actually exist! I have to admit feeling a tinge of envy while viewing this hour, though. These kids had the support of family to fall back on and that is not something I can rely on. My widowhood has been a very singualr road.

I am grateful:

1. For the springlike weather.
2. For having medical insurance (I'll devote a post to this topic in the near future).
3. For being able to take my sons to doctor appointments.
4. For being able to get my sons Rx acne medication and not pay through the nose.
5. For being offered a job (I'll post on that too).

Not Letting Myself Go

I'm not sure why this Valentine's Day is hitting me harder than those in the past. Maybe it is the harsh winter we've had, our financial hardship, unemployment stress or that Sam is not living here anymore. So although I have a special someone in my life, it is still a Valentine's Day devoid of flowers, candy or a card.

I picked up a few goodies for the boys and I. Some candy on sale and little cakes in heart shapes which we'll have for dessert tomorrow. Both boys are at Valentine dances. My youngest didn't want to attend and wasn't planning on it. But at the last minute, literally two hours before having to leave for dinner, he got a frantic call from a friend whose date was unable to go because of getting so drunk last night. This friend asked my son to accompany her free of any associated costs. Although, he still wasn't thrilled at going he felt worse not helping out and leaving his friend in a lurch. So he agreed to attend and we had a busy hour trying to locate his suit (buried in his closet), then iron it, find his dress shoes, tie, etc. We accomplished all this and he looked very handsome when I dropped him off at the girl's home. I told him to enjoy the unexpected dinner out and have a good time.

I needed film for my camera but did not want to run into any people I know of the married and middle-aged variety picking out cards and candy for their spouses. So I purposely went to a Walgreen's on the outskirts of town - not the one I usually go to right down the street. It didn't help any because I saw a travel baseball and football mom shopping in the card section. I walked past her without looking in her direction and thankfully avoided any contact.

For some reason I've been fixating on all the middle-aged flaws I see in women my age. General sloppiness, roots showing, tummy bulges, dowdy outfits. Yet these women are all getting Valentines this weekend, including the nice mom of my youngest son's date tonight.

I think some of my irritation about this has to do with the fact that these women have the option of letting themselves go. I do not. Widowhood has robbed me of that too. Not that I want myself to gain weight or dress sloppily. But it would be nice to feel comfortable and in a stable relationship where I don't have to worry about gaining five pounds or going a few more days before coloring my hair. I feel as a 50-year-old widow that I have more of a responsibility to look good because I don't have the security of a wedding ring on my finger.

I know that being married does not guarantee anyone that they'll stay married. My experience has sure proven otherwise twice! But I think that when you're in a long-term relationship there is a comfort level there that allows you to put down your guard and not have to strive to look like a "10" everyday. You're judged on far more than looks which is the number one criteria in beginning relationships or those where a formal commitment has not been established.

Yes, this is all trivial and superficial. And I'm not particularly proud of myself for reducing myself to this level. But it is what I'm feeling. And I do wish that my life was more stable, secure and that even I was one of those less than glamorous moms this Valentine's weekend. Tonight I think I just might trade my youthful attractiveness and long locks for a box of Russell Stover's from a gassy grey haired guy who could stand to lose a few pounds.

Today I am grateful:

1. That the 30 degree temperature outside feels like a heat wave.
2. That both boys will have nice dinners and be out with friends at school dances. At least they're having a nice Valentine celebration.
3. That I hit pay dirt at the grocery store with some 99 cent deals on ground turkey and turkey burgers.
4. That we'll have enough food to get through the month because of these meat deals.
5. For heart-shaped pizzas.

Re-Gifting

We were fortunate to be able to have Christmas dinner with my close girlfriend and her family. We have been doing this a couple years now (since my Mom died) and we also celebrate together at the 4th of July. My brother who lives locally takes his vacation at Christmas so he is not in town. My sister and I have been at odds since my Mom's death. So, this dinner represents family and togetherness for us. My girlfriend is a teacher and has befriended a 74 semi-retired secretary at her school, R. This woman is estranged from family, lives alone and doesn't drive. She attends the Christmas dinner too.

I had to force myself the past two days to be cheerful and not morbidly depressed. Although that is how I felt inside. I didn't think I could ruin what little celebration the boys would have by my mood. Nor could I ruin my friend's kindness and her dinner. So I did my best to put on my game face and keep it on. I didn't put up any type of tree at the apartment because my massive collection of Christmas decorations are buried between two large storage sheds. When you already own so much it is hard to justify buying more, even when you can't dig them out of storage. So it was very nice to have such a pretty tree to gaze at and enjoy at my friend's home.

But it was painful to see the modest assortment of unwrapped gifts under the tree because we didn't have any this year. I saw a pile of those small cookbooks you can pick up at the grocery checkout line and asked my friend who was thoughtful enough to get her those. She admitted she had gotten them for her own stocking because she gets so tired of not having anything to open from it. I got a big kick out of this because in year's past I did the same thing for my stocking - the universal plight of the single or only parent!

It was snowing and very pretty outside but I kept remembering the Christmas Days of my past life (before husband's death - BHD) and the reality that if he were still living, we'd be at our own special and happy celebration. As nice as my friend's dinner was, I would have preferred my own with our individual and unique traditions.

I enjoyed talking to R. She and I have gotten to know each other a bit over the years. I gave my girlfriend a lovely soft and fuzzy scarf I knitted in shades of blue, her favorite color. Last year I made everyone at the dinner ski bands. BHD, I used to give such nice presents to the teachers, friends and family. And I baked masses of cookies and quick breads. It is humbling to be in a position where homemade gifts become the norm because of no other options. Although, I might consider re-gifting if I had anything to give.

My friend's annual gift to our family is a bag of soda, candy, popcorn and gift card for a video rental. She and her friend exchanged DVDs of their favorite old t.v. shows and my friend also got some Bath & Body Works lotions, a candle and ski band. My friend asked if the ski band came from a craft show since she likes to attend those. R. did not reply.

Our Christmas feast was traditional and with all the trimmings: turkey, potato (mashed and sweet), dressing, pear/cranberry/spinach salad, broccoli salad, cranberry, green bean casserole, corn, relish, rolls, cookies and homemade pumpkin pie. Since my friend is going out of town to visit her family, she gave us ALL the leftovers, which I am sure she had planned to do in advance. She was even kind enough to serve a bottle of Cabernet for me, my favorite.

We listened to Christmas music which I have heard very little of this season. My oldest left after pie to go back to his girlfriend's down the street. At 8:30, my friend took R. home but I stayed back just sitting in front of the tree and watching the snow fall from the picture window. It was hard being at my friend's home, which is a modest ranch. I felt sad with the realization that I no longer own my own home and that our life in now in a cramped and messy apartment because there isn't much storage space.

While my friend was out, I looked at the gifts she received and wanted to examine the ski band since I am a crafter. I looked at it closely and thought the pattern looked familiar. Upon closer inspection I realized that the band was one of the ones I'd made for my girlfriend and her family and R. last Christmas! Turns out the friend re-gifted my homemade gift back to my girlfriend this year! This realization was amusing but also a little sad. I suppose it made me think that people don't consider handmade gifts very valuable.

When my girlfriend returned she got a good chuckle over the re-gifting. Then we spent some quality time talking and listening to music. I looked at pictures of some guys she is communicating with at eHarmony and read their emails. Then we both admitted that throughout the evening both of us had had the thought that we do not want to end up like R. We don't want to be in the position of going to someone's home other than our families because there is no where else to go. To suspect that someone feels sorry for us.

R. got divorced in the 1960s, well before it became acceptable in society. Her husband had an affair and his mistress got pregnant. The baby was born on the same day as R.'s little girl. So R. raised two kids and worked as a secretary on her own. She was bitter about her husband's affair and divorce (rightly so). She never dated or remarried. I remember having similar thoughts about R. and her situation last year too. 50 years is a long time to go without sex or male companionship. I don't want that for my life. I have tremendous admiration for anyone raising kids on their own and working. It is very, very trying and tiring. But looking back on my own life, I am glad I still had the courage and strength to get myself back out there into the dating world after my husband died and even after the second one filed for divorce.

Despite the disaster of my second marriage, I have no regrets that I took another chance on love and went for it. I would rather be facing the consequences of that doomed relationship than to be living a safer and predictable life as R. chose. But I know and appreciate that everyone is different. What is right for me may not be for someone else. But I know that it is important for me to build and share a life with a significant other. And that I am extremely unfulfilled and empty living without a partner.

Here we were last night, three woman with different painful stories related to divorce and death of husbands. None of us had any clues when we first got married as to the final outcomes of those unions. It made me reflect on Sam who was not with us this Christmas like he was last year. The weather was just too risky for the drive and he only had Christmas day off and needed to be back at work today. Within this next week I have to make the decision as to whether to stick it out here for the sake of the boys finishing high school at their old school or go ahead with the move out-of-state and a quicker future with Sam. That will be the emphasis of my upcoming posts but for today I wanted one last entry about Christmas and to keep my depression and holiday blues at bay for a little longer.

And I had to share the story about the Christmas re-gifting! That ties right on in with my knitted oven mitt mitten! But if I can throw in my two cents here - I know after this I'll really think twice about ever re-gifting, even if that means all I can give is a handmade gift.

Marriage Reflections

Yesterday while we were with GF (for purposes of this post I will refer to him as Saul), he did something that was so perfectly HIM and what he would do I pointed it out and called it a "Saulism." He agreed with me that his buying three different burritos at the same time when he went in to get dinner was exactly something he'd do. We both laughed and appreciated his measure to save time by buying enough at once to take home and have for other meals/leftovers. I am glad that GF and I have reached the point where I know him well enough to predict what he'd order off the menu or how he'd react to a certain situation. To have gotten to the point where I recognize his quirks and accept them instead of being annoyed by them. This got me to also reflect on what I really valued about marriage to Husband #1 which was the commitment part through thick and thin. There were a number of times in my marriage where I could have thrown in the towel but I didn't. We hung in there and made it to the other side. It was worth that effort not only for the boys but ourselves as well.

When I first started to date after my husband's death, I heard from others how exciting it would be to go through the butterflies and anticipation of getting to know someone again. I actually dreaded that part of the process and if I could have would have fast-forwarded to skip it all. Having been married and survived many challenges within my marriage, all that new dating stuff just seemed like a lot of "fluff" to me. I wanted the substance of really knowing someone. So well that when the doctor comes to you asking what your husband's wishes for treatment would be, you know exactly what they are and feel comfortable relating that to the doctor. It is because you know that person intimately and have lived with them through the challenges as well as the good times.

I resisted dating and getting back out there because I wanted to go right to the solid predictability of what I'd had in my marriage. But of course, we all know that to get to that point you have to go through the early stuff so eventually I started to date because I was lonely and didn't want to be alone. And to be fully honest, I also missed the physical intimacy and sex. My husband was ill for a number of years and during that time sex was a pretty low priority for us. I regretted that after going a few years without any. I promised myself that in the future I'd never take a single sexual encounter for granted again.

It is difficult to date when you have kids and are an only parent. There are no alternating weekends off. So when I met the man who became my second husband and we seemed to get along well, I threw in the towel and stuck with him. I didn't date anyone else and married very quickly, I suppose in a way to cement the intimacy and connection I so much wanted. But a pairing between a widowed mom devoted to her children and a never-married 50-year-old man with very limited relationship experience was not a good fit. He wanted the excitement of the new relationship and I wanted the stability and security of the humdrum married life. I was willing to work through thick and thin. He wanted to be in control because he'd always been able to be. And there were issues between divided loyalty between a husband and the fatherless children from the previous marriage. Husband #2 often said he felt he was in competition with my late husband as well as my boys.

I just wanted my old life back - that of a middle-aged suburban soccer mom. And when given the chance tried to recreate what probably couldn't be, at least with the man I married. I try to limit what I post about Husband #2 out of respect for GF who reads this blog. I still feel tremedous betrayal and hurt over my divorce, although the shock has diminished. It sometimes amazes me that after such loss (a husband dying and the new one divorcing me so quickly) that I could ever experience feelings of love and romance again. But somehow life has gone on and a good, decent, kind guy has hung in there by my side for long enough a time to surpass the honeymoon period to get to that point that means the most to me - knowing someone more deeply and imtimately. This is what matters and is most important. To be able to nod one's head knowingly and smile because your significant other did something you can see him doing. And it is cute and funny and a good thing to have reached that place again.

Another Friday Alone (Depressed, Lonely, Sad)

I am having a tough night, alone at home with the boys both out. I reluctantly let the oldest have the car to go to the movies because I work Sat. and Sun. I guess I am also feeling guilty at our probable move to an apartment, so I try and give in to the boys when I can. But the end result is that I am here stuck at home and reading isn't cutting it. I'm depressed and eating too many M & Ms. I had plans to go out with a friend and now wish I had done so as I work the rest of the weekend and next week will be spent on a final push in getting the house ready for showings. I signed the real estate listing contract today and I suppose am feeling down about that too. At the store today they had the Righteous Brother's Unchained Melody song playing over the intercom and I started sobbing. It is a beautiful song. It made me want to have the kind of relationship the words described.

I am too young, vibrant, intelligent, attractive, interesting, loving, caring, kind-hearted of a person to be alone on a Friday night like this. I want and need to share my life with a committed partner. The boys are only growing older and will be off to college before I know it. I do not want to be having this same discussion with a blog post five years from now - complaining about being sad and lonely!

I would like to feel wanted and desired. To have a male companion who values his time with me and is eager to hear what I have to say about life and the world. I should and need to be out on a dinner date sipping a glass of wine right now. But then there is this part of me that is stuck in this depressive mode saying that it won't happen. I'm too old, my chance is over, I blew it with husband #2, there is something wrong with me, no on will want me now that I've failed financially, etc. and all that. I go back and forth between the two like I'm on a swing, from feeling high to low.

Part of the problem is that I have come to believe that it is much harder for widowed moms to date and socialize than divorced moms. That is my opinion because we're doing all the parenting and have less free time to spare. I also think that we're more drained and sometimes don't want to go out because of that.

That line I hear all the time about love finding you when you're not looking and least expect it is pure bunk! I didn't look for love for 2 1/2 years after my husband died and didn't have a date until I registered online with a dating service and started putting myself out there. It takes such energy to date and build relationships here in mid-life and as an only parent.

Tonight I gave the van to my son out of the goodness of my heart. It was a sacrifice on my part. But I think I need to be concentrating on myself every once in a while or I may just end up a bitter, mean-spirited old woman who yells at little kids for cutting through her yard and even watches for them out her window, ending up scaring them and having then call her a witch. I don't think this is a real likely scenario but you never know - I need to recharge and regroup too if only to maintain my sanity.

I haven't had much time to devote to myself at all since my husband's death and maybe I need that more that I need a date right now. Some selfish time for healing, reflection, and doing whatever I want to do when I want to do it (within reason of course). E.g., I wish I'd thought of going along with my son to the movies - I could have sat in another show while he and his friends saw the teen flick they wanted! Or go out to lunch, browse in an antique shop, start knitting a new pattern.

And maybe this is just one of those low points that will pass in a day or two and I need to ride out the storm until I see the clouds break. What makes this really crummy is that being a widow with virtually no support, yes there are times it is overwhelming and I feel down and out. But the only way out is to climb out myself - there is no one beside me holding out their hand and saying, "Here, let me give you some of my strength." I'm already depleted, depressed but it'll have to be me who gives myself a hand in order to get out of this. And that aspect of this life is the ultimate irony. To be in a place where I need help but I only have myself to rely on - and when you're at a low point, purely funcitioning on a minimal level is almost a miracle in and of itself.

So, to recap, this is what I've gotten out of all my gibberish:
- I don't want to live the rest of my life alone (without a committed partner)
- it is hard to find a committed partner when you're a widowed mom
- I need to start caring for myself or I might become a witch/bitch
- I'm a valuable woman, deserving of a partner and with a whole lot of good stuff to give that I want to give
- There are times when I'm going to be down simply because of my current life situation because I am not yet a Saint
- It is unbearably difficult to have little support and to have to rely on my own strength to constantly pick myself up, move on and get out from under the funk
- I still have to keep living with or without another husband/partner by my side - I have to try and find fulfillment and happiness in my life

Today I am grateful:

1. That I got to hear the Unchained Melody song.
2. That the kitchen light was fixed and we have a bright kitchen again!
3. That I got the right tool needed to cut out some carpet that I need to do in the family room.
4. For my cats who lie in my lap while I am reading.
5. For the opportunity to go to bed early tonight.

Friday Night Blues

Today, when I signed online there was a little news blurb on the AOL page about a man who had survived anal cancer as well as divorce and gone on to find love/marriage again. A pretty inspiring story to say the least. It gives me hope to believe that one day I too will remarry.

The boys are out tonight because it is Friday and as per usual I am in alone and feeling terribly lonely. I want my nights to include more than doing laundry or reading. At age 49 I am way too young to be moping around the house on my own and feeling hopeless.

I guess I think that if I were married my husband and I right now would be perhaps going to a movie; having a nice/romantic dinner out; cooking a simple but delicious meal together; watching a video; making love; conversing over wine; playing cards. Earlier we may have taken a walk in a park or forest preserve. All of those ideas seem pretty appealing to me right now.

I feel robbed and cheated that during midlife, when it seems a lot harder because of age and kids, I have to go back out there into the dating world. Life is already challenging just trying to navigate through the days in one piece and now I have to add the "fun" of looking for love to my plate! Talk about unfair and crummy! Also to contend with are guys not ready for marriage or who don't want to remarry when I am pretty old-fashioned in regard to marriage and commitment. So it is trying to find a suitable mate who is also on the same page, as well as sharing the same values.

I was thinking about the dating game today and wondering if it is different for the widowed vs. the divorced. I know for me that I have high standards about commitment because of what I went through with my husband's death. I know what it is like to be in the trenches, by someone's side during their darkest hour. And I think it is for this reason that I am not willing to accept a more casual level of dating or relationship. I want the real deal because I've been there and had it. I want to know that the man I am with is as committed to me as I was to my husband. My loss resulted from death so I'm not so shy about jumping back into the saddle. If anything, the widowhood aspect just seems to make my dating expectations more complicated and confusing!
I would prefer dating widowers but have not met any. I just don't feel divorced men have a full understanding of the realities of being an "only" parent as they still share parenting duties, albeit in separate households.

I'd love to hear how other widows are coping with this issue.

Dating and the widow

Today I am going out with a girlfriend to attend a local volleyball game and then dinner after. I am greatly looking forward to this - from the drink at dinner, to the girl talk, to just getting out and mingling with others. I've found the last few years somewhat isolating since I haven't worked and for a number of years I was so focused on caring for seriously ill family members. So tonight's event is a good thing for me all around. Only when I discussed the evening's plans with my youngest, he became very rude and upset that I wouldn't be home to drive him around to friend's houses. I told him he'd have to arrange his own transportation which is what two of my divorced girlfriends tell their high schoolers (and one still has her ex-husband living in the home).

I am just finding it very challenging to try and establish any kind of social life for myself. I've always put the boy's needs ahead of my own and I suppose I am now paying the price - the youngest one especially expects me to be at his beck and call. The oldest is more tolerant of my plans because he has friends who can drive and they have been good about picking him up.

So this situation has me feeling a bit frustrated and down right now. It is another factor that I just don't think people get about the lives of widows. Most of us want to reestablish our social lives but being able to coordinate one sometimes seems near impossible. I do not feel comfortable letting the boys on their own overnight (once they left the oven on while making cookies; another time they left their keys in the door; and before I forget, they also microwaved Ramen Noodles without any water in the container and the whole house smelled like burned Ramen Noodles for days!). So my nighttime excursions are usually arranged around the boy's athletic events and when I have to be home to pick one of them up from one of their friends.

Just another challenge to have to figure out and then execute. I am focused on getting out there and being more social. I want to move on with my life and for me that means meeting a special man, falling in love and eventually remarrying. I will not settle for less. But in the meantime I still have to work out the parenting glitches and how to be in two places at once - on a date and dropping my kids off. In the past the kids won but I am slowly seeing that I have to have some time too. But it is just a struggle that married moms never have to even contemplate.

Today I am grateful:

1. For my girlfriends.
2. For the end of Winter.
3. For being ready to meet new people.