Half Price Holidays

On November 1st I noticed my first decorated Christmas tree in the lobby of a business I was passing by while driving. Then yesterday, I saw another in the lobby of a local business I was in. Of course the stores have their Christmas sections up already like Walmart. So you can now buy 50% off Halloween items along with a Christmas tree at the same time!

Last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, he asked quest Martha Stewart if she thinks it is too early for Christmas decorations to be up and she strongly agreed. She added that we need to give due focus to Thanksgiving.

I heartily agree with Martha. And seeing all these Halloween items at half price makes me consider celebrating future holidays a day or two after the specific date. It makes no sense to me to pay for the same things that just a day later will cost 50% less. This idea sounds like a fun way to get through the holidays and maybe instead of rushing through them, they might take on more meaning because they'll last longer and no one else is putting time restrictions on them.

I know that I am always down when a holiday ends. What fun it would be to continue celebrating Halloween another two weeks. I do know that in the future I'll be hard pressed to purchase any holiday themed items at full price knowing that their real value ends up being half. And I'm going to plan that any future Valentine's Day gift exchanges take place in my life on February 15.

Halloween Hello

From Halloween Man - the one holiday decoration I was up to whipping up, now on my door greeting ghouls and goblins.

Final Push

My youngest asked me why I hadn't decorated for Halloween, which I haven't - prior widowhood, I was Mrs. Holiday Decorator with a capital "D." I told him that honestly I just don't feel up to it this year. We are in the final year of our apt. lease here and this time next year will have moved. I haven't ever considered this place home - it has always been viewed as a temporary stop on the road and now, all I want is to be away.

The thought of lugging out decorations from the storage shed absolutely overwhelms me. Then setting them up and having to put them away again. I try and put a homemade wreath on the door every month and that is the extent of my holiday spirit, whichever holiday we're celebrating.

I've started to worry about Christmas because I'll do a little something for the boys. But it will be very little and a homespun, homemade celebration.

I've been contemplating my feelings about being so anxious to move and leave this community. It is way past time to do so. In just four months I plan to start looking for a new home! That's it - only four months! On one hand those months seem like a blink of an eye. On the other, they seem endless, especially since they involve the two coldest months of the year to get through.

I know what they say about living fully in the present and not dwelling on the past or future. But I can't seem to stop myself from looking on Realtor.com on a daily basis and focusing on the spring.

Part of me is totally sick of this life as it exists here and has for the past few years. I've reached my limit on holding it all together. I feel upset with myself for being weak in the sense that I'm not able to balance my life right now. By that I mean, appreciate and concentrate on the here and now. If anyone has any suggestions, hints or ideas feel free to add a comment.

I can remember those first few years of widowhood, when looking to the future was torment. I just wish widowhood didn't bring with it such imbalance. It would be nice to have a more even keel life where past, present and future can be neatly arranged and lived. But maybe all that flew out the window when I became widowed. I don't know, just musings...

The Comfort of Fall

This year I seem more attuned to the approaching Fall season. We have been so blessed the past few days with cooler, Fall-like weather. Here, there is just a hint of the changing season in the air. The tops of some trees are starting to turn. I'd have to say that this is the part of Fall I most love, before it gets full-blown in October. Once the leaves really turn, one heavy rain is all it takes for it to be over. Now I have the chance to really savor this wondrous season.

I love seeing all the advertising and signs in the stores welcoming this time of year. The food choices including apples. I've already tried the new caramel apple sundaes at both McDonald's and Wendy's. Small, simple pleasures to help take the edge away from the worry I feel every day over getting through the next year financially. Now that my son is in college, I have to add some college expenses to the budget and they have turned out higher than originally expected.

Over the years, I have come to realize that for me, one of the surefire ways to ease my anxiety and misery is through nature. A walk in the woods especially. My soul longs for a rural existence and it is where I am relocating when this year is completed for my son in high school.

Each season brings its own comforts, but as the Starbuck's ad relates, Fall is perhaps most special. "Indulge in the comforts of Fall," the ad directs. Makes sense to me. Bring on that pumpkin latte. I am drinking spiced apple tea in the mornings and baked a batch of my Awesome Apple Bread. I gave a loaf to my girlfriend along with a cute apple potholder I knit. My friend liked the potholder so much, she told me she is going to frame it!

The summer was so hot I only went walking in my little hidden forest a few times. Now I can start walking every day again. That will give me great pleasure. I saw my first Halloween outdoor decorations today. A flock of witches in a circle in a yard. This year I will try and focus on these displays with lightness and laughter. Anything to help me stay sane and grounded as we move through this year. I feel on my last legs emotionally and financially. I asked for more hours at work and will have to go out looking for another job next week. Illinois has the highest unemployment rate in the country along with the highest gas prices (Chicago area). Yet my apartment rent just went up $100.00!

The comforts of Fall. More than ever I will use the beauty and hope nature inspires to give me courage and strength. It is free (except for the pumpkin lattes) and abundant. I'm not sure I can say that over the next month I'll be happy (too much stress and strain for that). But I can try and be cheerful despite the hardships. And by making a concerted effort to focus on nature, maybe I can be distracted and propelled on to the beauty of the holiday season.

Getting though one day at a time, one month at a time, one season at a time.

Transition

It is that time of year where the weather is scorching but Fall merchandise starts appearing in stores. There is something about this incongruity that really bothers me but in a way it serves to remind us that this too will pass and eventually the heat index won't be 105 degrees.

Now if I just weren't the only person in my household refilling the ice cube tray!

Gobble, Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving to you all and please enjoy and indulge in a piece of pie instead of worrying about calories. I always have a piece (small, ok, smallish) of both pumpkin and apple and feel no regrets!

Be especially kind to others today. Remember that we have our own quirks that others have to put up with too.

I have never been able to understand why stores start opening at 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning the day after Thanksgiving. I never was motivated to go because I was always too tired from cleaning the house and cooking and just wanted to sleep in Friday morning. They should change the early day to Saturday since I think most women are the ones going to these sales and usually women do most of the holiday cleaning and cooking too. STILL! We need to give women a break.

Well, enough of my my soapbox. You will never see me at a JC Penney at 3:00 a.m. But if that is your thing have fun and everyone, have a relaxed, hopeful and meaningful day.

An Early Bah Humbug

Is it just me or are others bothered by the Christmas decorations that are suddenly appearing? I want to enjoy turkeys and Pilgrims another week before having to think about trees, candy canes and Old Saint Nick. At the shopping centers there are holiday decorations right beside pots of fall mums and wreaths of leaves and gourds. Somehow, the bright greens and reds clash with the muted autumn colors.

I don't like disparity. And I like it even less since my husband died. I cringe at clashing colors and I want one holiday to be officially over before starting the next. A few days before Halloween the local hardware store actually had some inflatable snowmen out - talk about me having the heebie jeebies. Yesterday I heard the radio station that plays all Christmas music on the air. Years ago, they didn't start broadcasting the exclusive holiday music until Thanksgiving. Why is everything being moved up sooner?

It almost seems like we are shortchanging Thanksgiving and diminishing its meaning by rushing in the holiday season. What I learned from my husband's death was that it is important to savor the moments we have in our life and not try to hurry onto the next exciting event. Or maybe it also stems from the fact that when you're caring for someone very sick, life becomes so crazy and jumbled up that clarity and unity not disruption are longed for. I passed a home with Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations both up. Maybe if I ever live in a home again and have the opportunity to decorate my yard I'll put up a Thanksgiving display and keep it up through Christmas. That might give people some pause as to my meaning - it would be a protest of premature celebrations.

Nature Walks

Find Beauty in the Mundane and Joy in the Ordinary!

Be surprised by the hidden colors waiting for your glance of wonder and delight!

I have started taking photos on my daily nature walks. Those daily half-hour walks are helping keep me sane! Thank goodness the weather will be mild next week.

Yeah for me! I've figured out how to use my camera phone but did need help from my youngest in getting these photos onto the blog. But some technical progress!

Just Eat the Kit Kat!

A low-key Halloween. Wanted to do more decorating and crafts but should be grateful that it was an improvement from last year, where I did nothing. At least there was a wee bit of evidence of the celebration around and all fall I have been doing a fair share of baking seasonal treats which was nil last year.

Most recent recipe - just take a small can of pumpkin puree and mix it with a box of Devil's Food or chocolate cake mix. Don't add anything else like eggs or oil. Batter will be stiff. Spoon into 12 greased muffin tins and bake for 20 minutes at 400. These come out very thick and moist. The taste of the pumpkin is not overpowering. Calories = 180 per muffin but I also added one cup of chocolate chips, which I add to pretty much everything I bake. I have seen this recipe on the internet and magazines, it is from the Hungry Girl cookbook. Didn't believe these would turn out but they were great and stayed moist for days!

The boys have told me I've baked enough pumpkin recipes for the season. Today, in honor of Halloween it is traditional to eat donuts, which used to be a mainstay at Halloween parties in the 1930s and 40s. So this morning we had chocolate and apple cider doughnut holes. I make a point of serving donuts on Halloween. The apple cider ones were especially tasty!

The day was sunny but brisk. Took my nature walk and could smell that pungent, spicy odor of burning leaves. Sprayed pumpkin body spray from Bath & Body Works for the full seasonal experience. Apparently they didn't sell this fragrance this year or the apple one they had a few years back so I'm glad I still have some left.

Last night my youngest slept over at a friend's but my oldest and I stayed up until 4:00 a.m. watching one of the "Chucky" doll horror movies - I'd never seen it but my sons both have. It was fun and out of the ordinary.

Part of my mind keeps dwelling on everything I didn't get done that I wanted to. But then I look at this entry and see that it wasn't so bad. The boys created decent costumes and went trick or treating and to parties with their friends. We had some treats. My oldest son's girlfriend is wearing the warm scarf I knit for her out tonight and it is warding off the chill. This is not the same Halloween we would have had living in our home or if my husband were still alive. But it was something. Low-key.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new month. I think I better start planning immediately for Christmas!

Final comment - Just eat the Kit Kat bar. All week I have seen, heard and read healthy substitutions to make for your favorite candy. It's Halloween that comes once a year. Enjoy and eat whatever your favorite is and don't give it another guilty thought!

Apples, Leaves and Fall

As difficult and trying as life is and can be, I tell you, it just isn't a total loss when there are Taffy Apples for sale again, and brownies in the adorable shape of footballs (Little Debbie Snack Cakes).

The reason I am so rejuvenated after my nature walks is because I can see the miracle of nature around me. There is something bigger than me, a plan in place that goes far beyond my trivial problems (trivial to the world, not so much for me). But anyway, you get the idea. I am just a little cog in the sphere and space of the Universe. This is what I comprehend when I see a perfectly shaped red leaf float down from a tree and land at my feet.

There is a saying that no matter what life throws at you, you can always bake a cake. I'm not so much of a cake baker but I do love to bake bread, muffins and cookies. So we have had a nice sampling of apple, pear and pumpkin breads of late.

I continue to struggle facing up to all the changes that are necessary for me to go on from here to rebuild my life from the bottom up. I wish it were easier. Sometimes I still feel like giving up and packing it all in. But then I think about apple cider and putting together a German fest feast for the fun of it. And I realize there is still a lot worth living for - the little, unexpected pleasures that are part of our lives and oftentimes go unnoticed or taken for granted. It is focusing on those little joys and holding on to them with all our might when so much of the rest of the world rages turbulently around us.

Widowhood Robbery

Right after the Fourth of July, I posted about my upset that fall scarecrows were already out in the stores. Way too early I thought. Now I wish I'd paid a little more attention to those fall displays because the season was over in the blink of an eye. That is more upsetting to me than the early consumerism. The past few falls have had so much crappy stuff for me to deal with, I just haven't had the opportunity to fully enjoy this season. Or Christmas for that matter; or knitting; or relaxing on a Saturday with enough time to just putter about the house. No baking the past years, no parties hosted for the kids or sleepovers.

Widowhood has robbed me of the gift of spare and free time. And I do feel mad about that. What I long for are mostly free and simple things - time for a walk in the park; the ability to have lunch out by myself; reading a book for more than 15 minutes; being able to actually finish a complete magazine; not feeling so rushed and frantic all the time as I race from one location to another with the boys, run into the store for staples and hurry home to whip up a quick dinner for hungry teen boys.

The last movie I saw was Slum Dog Millionaire - and besides a couple movies on cable, nothing even rented. In fact, Slum Dog Millionaire is the only movie I have seen in years (maybe four or five). All the self-help books suggest carving out time for yourself by making dates for activities in your appointment book. And then sticking to this schedule come hell or high water. But as an only parent what you hope and plan for often isn't the reality.

So I have a different perspective about the upcoming holidays this year. I spent some time at CVS this morning before class looking at the new display of Christmas ornaments. And I am not so upset with the Walmart commercial that aired yesterday with holiday music. Maybe the only way I will be able to squeeze in that holiday spirit this year is by starting now and cramming it in whenever and wherever I can.

Unkind Fall

It is rainy and cold today. I wish the weather was better so I could enjoy the beautiful changing leaves but I am forced to stay in today to work on organizing and making our new space into a more acceptable home (maybe not such a bad thing). Fall has always been my favorite season but I am finding it less lovely since my husband's death. A shadow and cloud have been passed onto this season.

My husband was born on 10/20, we were married 10/23 and he died on 10/25 so THE WEEK of anniversaries is approaching. When I got remarried, I did not want to do so in October so our date was 9/23 (close enough to the changing season for a fall-themed wedding). But I tell you, when I tie the knot again, it WILL NOT be in fall! I am picking another season for sure! The last two years have had unkind falls as well. In 2007, there was the cleanup after the tornado and the sale of my parent's home, which necessitated clearing it out. My father was very ill as well. Last year, I was in the middle of the divorce. And now this year, have the move from my home to contend with. Gosh darn it! Can there just be a fall without so much to deal with so I can enjoy the season and not have it slip by before all the leaves have hit the ground?

Part of my dismay comes from the fact that since I've been widowed and an only parent, there has not been much time to just kick back and watch the leaves float down (or the snow fall, or the leaves start to bud for that matter either). The seasons and holidays go by with such amazing speed that they are over just as I am ready to finally celebrate. Remember that phrase "Take time to smell the roses?" Life has become so complicated, full and messy - a whirl wind and a blur.

I recently read something that inspired me but have forgotten who wrote it - the message was that we need to find time to sit and watch the leaves fall because this season is so amazingly beautiful. I totally agree with that but the weather has to also cooperate! And so do the circumstances of our lives.

Today I am grateful:

1. For cell phones (although not the cell phone bill).
2. For dishwashers.
3. For those first days of heat when it first gets cold.
4. For the changing seasons.
5. For computers and the internet.

Skeletons and Nightmares

I have been driving down the streets in town and seen the various Halloween graveyard displays filled with headstones and skeletons in some yards. Ever since my husband's death the week before Halloween, I have been unable to decorate with anything that reminds me of dying. My sons are forbidden to wear the popular t-shirts with skulls on them. I only want happy fall-inspired decorations surrounding me like cheerful scarecrows, grinning pumpkins and colorful leaves.

As I pass these graveyard scenes (clever as they are), I cannot help but think that the people creating them have not faced the death of a loved one. How could they? I don't think any of us widows or widowers could in good conscience be purchasing headstones and morbid, scary objects dripping of blood and oozing gore. We have already faced the real nightmares of death, grief and loss. How could we have such displays on our front lawns, reminding us every day of what we hope to not think about if only for a few moments?

Part of me is a bit angry at seeing these graveyard scenes. Real life is already a pretty scary place, as we well know. Is it fair to laugh in the face of fate by displaying such prominent reminders of death? Or am I just overly sensitive to this because of my losses? It is just that I already live with the painful reality of death in my life even years after its immediacy. I don't want to pretend that death, sorrow and hardship aren't out there because I am well aware that they are. I just don't care for people mocking this reality. I know it is all meant in good fun but it feels as though someone has thrown me a curve ball whenever I see this stuff. How can anyone really laugh at death? I guess those who have been lucky enough to have not faced it (the "untouched").

Waning Summer

I just got back from taking a load of stuff from the garage to the storage shed. The moon is very bright and now at only 8:00 p.m. it is already dark (and cool). The day was sunny and warm. Truly gorgeous weather! As I drove home from my run I thought about how lucky we have been to have gotten through two summers now without air conditioning in either the house or the van. And last winter we were very fortunate to make it through without heat upstairs. Looking back, if we could survive those difficulties, we really possess some fortitude! I am proud of the three of us for what we have lived through. My youngest did ask me the other day if we would have heat in our apartment! Poor thing!

One of our area businesses has a very cute and elaborate Halloween display out ALREADY! A kind of haunted house theme - not scarecrows, apples, mums, Indian corn, hay bales which I would welcome about now. I was a little put off by the display, cute as it was. Just kind of early for that kind of thing before Labor Day. Halloween is my favorite holiday and I used to go all out with decorating the front yard - elaborate graveyard scenes, spider webs, huge spiders, ghosts flying about. I scaled a little back when my husband was ill and then stopped for the most part when he died. I became very turned off by skulls, skeletons, graves, ghosts - anything representing death. But I still love the scarecrows and pumpkins.

The last two years I haven't celebrated the fall season at all. Last year I was trying to come to terms with the divorce and the year before that, my Mom had just died, we were cleaning up the yard after a tornado and then clearing out my parent's home. I hope this year I can finally get back into the spirit of the season. I have missed it. I won't have a yard of my own but I can decorate my wee balcony. And I suppose I can give some of my lawn decorations to my guyfriend - he loves Halloween and his son would probably get a kick out of some of the things I have.