Pills

Depression and OCD run in my family. So does high blood pressure and strokes. So when life got too stressful with my worry over feeding and clothing my family, I sought medical advice - early Fall. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety med, one for depression and then two for high blood pressure. I did it for my sons. I need to be around for them through college. Having to deal with a mother disabled because of a stroke is not in the cards.

I know there are some people out there who seem to think I'm taking an easy way out. But I want to educate those not in the know that it isn't the case. Taking an anti-depressant doesn't make me automatically happy or high. I still feel my emotions, the sadness, worry and pain. I just have the ability to not hyperventilate and cry hysterically. The medication helps keep my emotions in check but it doesn't magically make everything better. These drugs aren't taken for recreation. They are being taken to keep my heart pumping normally and to help me get through my days on a more even keel.

I was doing pretty well on my own before my divorce and having to sell my home. Those two events seemed to do me in - the grief I felt was overwhelming and actually included internal physical pain. It's funny to live in a society that has medications to really assist people in need with their emotional issues. Yet at the same time there continues to be stigma toward the people taking medications - as though something is wrong with us because we can't handle life on our own.

For me, the benefits of trying to take care of and manage my emotional health are worth any of the stigma that is directed my way. I have an obligation to be there for my sons, in as healthy a way as possible. I don't feel I have a choice at this point.

Standing Tall

I don't know if it is the medication that is calming my nerves, the walks or a combination of both but I have reached some sort of level of peace within my life and circumstances. Things are still extremely challenging emotionally and financially. I struggle every month simply to put decent food on the table and have enough gas to do the limited driving I do. This month, the month of feasting and thankfulness has been the absolute worst in terms of not having enough to make it. We had car insurance bills totaling $600.00 and there goes the gas and food budget. I won't belabor our financial woes. I try to keep those separate in my blog "Plunged Into Poverty," which I don't post as much on.

Anyway, I always say to the boys, "This is it guys - we've reached the end. I can't make it anymore and we'll be eating PB & J the last week of the month." They respond, "You tell us that every month and we always make it through and have yet to have a dinner of PB & J." Still it is so hard...

Yet despite it all I am committed to finding happiness or at least contentment even within these trying circumstances. I will stand as tall as I can and try to rise above all of this.

In the end, I believe what we should all strive for is to become the best we can both inside and out. And to sneak in a little happiness besides.

The Winking Owl wine is not that good but I have had a glass and feel the effects of mellowness. I haven't given up yet - a good belly laugh would be nice. Have to work on that. But I'm not afraid anymore to look for happiness and to even be happy. I'm not going to put it on hold anymore until my circumstances have improved. That's a huge shift for me.

Tired Zombie

Dear Cyber Friends -

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am just so tired. Not sure if it is the new medication adjusting itself to my body or if I am just really tired from all that has happened over the past years (or a combination of both). I am getting through the days doing what has to be done with making sure the boys are fed, have clean clothes, get to their various activities and so on but I am doing everything kind of like I'm on automatic pilot and without much emotion.

It is strange. I don't feel freaked out or like I'm going to explode but at the same time I don't feel much inspiration or happiness (for lack of a better word) either. I am just kind of blah, hum bug, even-keeled. Maybe that is where I should be right now, at least for the time being but I do miss really feeling more of my emotions. It is a little weird feeling so numb.

The best news is that the blood pressure medicine worked within just a week to get my blood pressure to a normal level. The doctor told me he felt the worry/anxiety I was experiencing was a definite factor in why my BP was so high. I am very grateful that it has gone down because being worried about that too just made my anxiety worse!

I continue to take a half hour or more nature walk and that has been a lifesaver to me. But most days I wake up with this low grade headache that doesn't seem to dissipate. I would like to go to bed for a week and just sleep for seven days straight!

There were some boxes that I couldn't fit into the storage shed and I had to bring them home to sort through and get rid of. Have been busy with that and making lots of Goodwill donations. But the house move still weighs heavy on my mind and heart. Moving from such a large home into a small place turned out to be a very challenging and unending task for me to handle and accomplish, as noted by the fact that I'm still at it a year later. Anyway, there is progress in that and progress in out looking for work in my field of social services. No bites yet but I'm at least casting out my line into the water which for me is a big step. I tend to bury my head in the sand because of my fear of failure and not making it.

I hope all of you are doing as well as can be expected in everyone's individual situations. At least the weather is lovely this time of year and there is joy in celebrating that. Happy fall to all.

Bone Weary

I am exhausted. I wish I could stay in bed all day. I am drained to the bone and have no motivation or energy. The little bit of energy I can eek out goes toward making dinner and forcing myself to take a half hour nature walk. That restores me a little. But I feel as though I am giving up and that whatever I do or don't do from here on in doesn't matter anyway.

How did I reach this place? Is it an accumulation of all the grief and losses over the past few years combined with the stress of living and parenting on my own? I guess it has all just caught up with me and I am left holding the bag of weariness. I do think a large part of it has to do with the only parenting. I do not believe any one should have to assume and face parenting without any support as I have. If single parents lack family support there need to be better and more available programs in place to provide assistance. I know that despite my education and intelligence, that this job has been the most difficult of my life and that it has been costly to my emotional and physical health.

My Mom used to tell me about two of her aunts who had lost their husbands while they were still raising children and the entire family rallied around them to provide support. I know in today's day and age that is less likely to occur. But that doesn't mean it is right.

It is not just the solo parenting and constantly having to make the decisions and dole out the consequences and be the moral instructor. There is no one to bounce off ideas to, or to fill up my emotional tank while I am engaged in the task of caring for others.

Today I went to the doctor for more tests related to my high blood pressure. There had been a mix-up with the prescription so it couldn't be filled until today. I was told to go immediately to WalMart to pick it up and take a pill right then and there. Concern was expressed for my constant headaches and the possibility I'll pass out while driving. I went and did as instructed feeling as I went through the motions, so what? I have no one to share this with, no one who is worried about my health. If I pass out and crash the sedan still needing $600.00 in repairs the only ones with a loss at stake are my sons. That aspect of my life horrifies me. That my social circle has dwindled to the point of me having meaning to only my sons.

I write about this a lot - what I call the fatigue and drain of widowhood. Getting up everyday and going through the day alone, sometimes not talking to anyone but my sons. I know that living and feeling alone are awful for anyone, but I know from my own experience that it has been hard parenting at the same time. I would have made a much better and able widow at age 60 with the kids grown, than I did still having to raise them throughout most of their childhood on my own.

I am hopeful that the anti-depressant medication will kick in soon and provide some relief from my apathy and tiredness. I am also hopeful that once I obtain a job somewhat related to social services that I will feel as though I am making a greater contribution and better about myself. I hope that leads me to meeting people I can relate to socially so my circle will expand and I can feel less alone. I want to remain hopeful that this too will pass and someday I will be involved in an intimate relationship that brings me peace of mind, security, love and affection - keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

But in the meantime I still have to cross this bridge of hard terrain stretching out in front of me. Why is it that my moods are so volatile? Before widowhood I was never like this. Yes, there were days I was bitchy or cross, sometimes even a bit down. But never to the degree of what I have felt over the past years and never the amount of fatigue and wanting to give up. Those moods from my old life passed quickly and were forgotten. These days the highs and lows are frequent and my lows stay longer than the highs. In the past eight years there has been far more sadness than joy - more hardship than ease. I'm not even sure I care that much about happiness and joy anymore. Just some stability, enough to eat and a few people who care that I'm alive, who value my presence. Perhaps when all is said and done, that is what really matters.

Same Old, Same Old

I need help. I'm admitting it. There is too much stress in my life that has accumulated and gone on for too long. I can't do this alone anymore. I definitely need medication. My blood pressure is dangerously high. I know it has been high for a number of years now but I've resisted medication thinking I can control it because I eat such a low-fat diet, don't drink, exercise, etc. At this point, the doctor told me it has nothing to do with a healthy weight or exercise. My blood pressure is too high and I need to take action.

I wonder how much of the stress the past years have brought play into this. High blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks run on both sides of my family and it is how we end up dead. I still feel like a failure to some extent. That I'm unable to control this aspect of my health since I've tried for so long to keep it together emotionally. But as I started this post, I am finally at a point where I'm waving the white flag and crying out "Help me!" Since I don't have much of a support network in place, that ends up increasing the stress I try and manage on my own. It turns out to be an endless circle of frustration. The past few weeks many times during the day I can feel my heart racing inside my chest. When I have my blood pressure taken, I can feel and hear that racing.

I am going to become one of those people stopping at the blood pressure meter every time I go into the grocery store by the pharmacy counter!

Well, I have to take care of myself physically and if I need blood pressure medication so be it. I hope this is not a permanent thing. But the alternative is having a stroke which isn't an option here. I've helped the men and women stroke victims in the nursing home, some quite young. I can't do that to the boys. Or myself.

I came across another article on managing stress and decided to go through it and highlight the suggestions. They are always the same and we all know them. In fact, I'm sure I've posted about them a time or two previously. But they bear repeating.

1. Acknowledge the pain, stress, grief or loss. Feel the anger and sadness. It is okay to feel some self pity. But you can't let these feelings overpower you.

2. The painful feelings have to eventually give way to those of hope. To manage stress and crisis we need to be centered and calm and that won't be possible when in defeat and despair. So we need to harness abundance, gratitude, positivity and peace of mind as best we can. We can look to the future as holding opportunity, being an adventure and a new beginning instead of being fearful of what lies ahead.

3. We must take care of ourselves physically and emotionally. Eating well and exercising are essential.

4. Relying and connecting with others is also necessary.

5. Developing a strategy and plan for moving forward can help us focus on the learning opportunities available to us and allow us to grow.

6. It is a perfect time to become distracted with and explore a new project or goal. Sometimes it is far better to focus on an activity or learning something new than dwelling on our troubles.

7. Live one day at a time.

8. Maintaining a sense of order brings us a measure of control. Letting ourselves and our environments fall apart does not result in feeling calm or comfort us - more like tormenting and mocking us.

9. Come up with positives for the situation or in lieu of that, positives that can result in the future that may not have been considered before.

10. Maintaining the daily routine as much as possible is helpful. I know that my husband did this through all the years of his illness and I could not believe how he managed to do it. It was an amazing demonstration of strength and courage.

I look over this list and it is made up of the same old suggestions and ideas I've come across over and over. Does that mean they work or is it because no one else has come up with any better? I also know that this advice is common sense and easier said than done.

Yesterday, after my hopeful and inspiring post on optimism I ran into some snags during the day and felt let down and defeated. Some of that hope I'd harnessed before went by the wayside. I forced myself to take another nature walk and the best I could come up with as a coping mechanism was to keep my thoughts neutral rather than go off the deep end into the gloom and doom.

Sometimes, it seems as if this advice is so simplistic. We tend to look at life's problems as being singular - someone is coping with grief because of the death of a spouse; someone lost their job or home; another person is dealing with divorce or illness. I take a more complicated view of stress because I think where there is one problem, so lies another. And I think in addition to viewing problems singly, which makes them easier to solve, is that we don't put enough attention on the long-term effects of stress. We tend to view solving problems quickly and efficiently (usually within a year time frame). But I think the recession has shown us that problems and life complications can exist greater than a year and be harder to overcome.

So I find that there is a gap in acknowledging, understanding and coping with the long-term effects of stress. And what about set backs? Or having to manage the difficulty of climbing out of a very deep hole? All that one step forward, two step back progression.

Food for thought. In the meantime, we plow on as best we can. I look at the strategies I've set out and try to come up with some project that may help me focus less on all this loss and find more hope in the future. I try to exercise when I feel the walls of despair closing in on me. I do my best to change my mindset when I am aware of my negative thinking. More of the same old, same old with varying degrees of success depending on the day.

A New View

I struggle with optimism. Since childhood, I have viewed life from the perspective of the glass being half full. People have often told me to lighten up and be more positive. But I don't think some of us can just flip a switch on inside ourselves to make this change. It takes recognition of our nature and thinking and then the hard work of trying to overcome it. And I'm not quite sure how to go about making these changes either. To just wake up and resolve to be more positive and hopeful - how do you go about it? There need to be steps or a plan to follow - a way to get started and ways to keep on track and motivated.

The daily message from lifescript.com and personal coach Dr. John H. Sklare is about optimism today. It is so good and inspiring I am repeating it here for my own inspiration and maybe for others in need as well.

"One of the keys to reaching your goals and bettering your life is an intangible human treasure called optimism. It's having 'hopefulness and confidence about the future or successful outcome of something; a tendency to take a favorable or hopeful view.' Helen Keller wrote: 'Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.'

Those of us who fall on the pessimistic side of life's fence have a much tougher row to hoe each day. Pessimism will drain your emotional batteries, poison your motivational well and leave you feeling lost, angry and frustrated. Optimism, on the other hand, will lighten your emotional load, bring more joy into your life, lift your spirits and make you a more pleasurable companion. A reader once commented, 'With each sunrise, there is a new opportunity to start over.' The perfect attitude to have if you want to bring a more optimistic view into your life."

Well, I'm going to try and remain focused on this advice because I can sure attest to the fact that thinking the way I do, always expecting the negative and being constantly worried and anxious is a very wearying way to live. It will be extremely difficult for me to try and think even a little bit more optimistically but I want to give it a try because the old way keeps me so down and out. I've got to try something different. Maybe the commitment to a new attitude combined with drug therapy will help.

It is like everything else I am learning. We have to work to make ourselves happy, we cannot expect others to make us so. Likewise, we have the choice to be optimistic rather than seeing the situation or journey pessimistically. It is up to us. But it is work and it is hard. Hard in the face of other struggles. Easier to revert back to old, predictable and comfortable ways of thinking and doing. So hard to make changes when so many other changes are going on and necessary.

I suppose, however, it doesn't take that much effort or commitment to simply try and be more conscious of how I think and to switch how I am thinking to a more positive frame when I am aware of my dark, dooming thoughts. Cut them off at the pass by simply refusing to dwell on the what ifs and forcing myself to hope in a positive outcome vs. one that is negative. Can't hurt to try any of this. It is not costing me a penny. But like all new resolutions and promises to ourselves, we have to practice and not give up.

Found Dr. Norman Vincent Peale's little book of daily inspirational quotes, "Positive thinking Everyday" on my bookshelf. I must not be the only one in need of a motivational fix and daily reminder. Today's quote from that classic book of inspiration is: "Faith power in the mind, like adrenalin in the body, can release amazing powers within you in crisis."

Some readers have been telling me all this for many months now. But looking back, I think when we're in deep mourning or grieving a loss, as I was depressed over moving from our home last fall, that you have to get through that stuff first. When some time has passed, you can move ahead and focus on going beyond the loss. At least that is how it has been with me. In the midst of grief I have not been able to think positively and hopefully. Advice such as be more hopeful and optimistic falls on deaf ears. In fact, it irritates me and I stomp my foot and resist that advice. Maybe we need to recognize this and be less harsh on others who don't seem to be moving along as quickly as we think they should. The element of timing is part of the process of being able to cope and move forward. Maybe I've reached a place where I can put my some of the sadness aside and concentrate less on the losses and more on the present. I sure hope so.

The Weight of Baggage and Burdens

Today I woke up feeling like I was bearing the weight of the world within my soul. I felt suffocated and had those gasps of fear people with panic attacks must experience. I could feel the insides of my stomach contract and my breathing became fast and frantic. All this grief and loss combined with the fear and stress from trying to get by has compounded to the point of feeling like there is some kind of bomb inside me that is going to explode.

I so wish I did not have to bear all of this pain around me. It is a burden and baggage that will always surround me. I hope someday when life becomes easier that I won't have to carry so much on my shoulders and that I won't feel so much of the weight of the past. But right now the past and present have combined to pretty much overtake my spirit and strength.

I called my family doctor and requested an appointment. I asked them to check for an earlier date when I was told there were no openings until next week and now have one for tomorrow. I'll tell this doctor what is going on and my symptoms and discuss options. I just know for now that the past and present bear too much on my soul and if there is something that can alleviate some of the physical symptoms, that would be a good thing. I am also having difficulty sleeping, only getting a few hours a night and that does not help me during the days.

Both of our cars now need work. My little sedan to the tune of almost $600.00 and the van, $135.00 if it only needs a new battery. I got a loan from the pawn shop today to pay for the van, bringing in my wedding and engagement rings minus the diamond which was sold during my divorce. Never in a thousand years would I have ever believed I'd need to go to a pawn shop, much less go into one on my own and negotiate but I held my head up high and accomplished that today. So despite the awful feelings within and those I carry on my shoulders, in addition to the weight that I feel floats around me, I did do my best to take care of business today. Worked on new resumes, made lunches, got the boys to school, cleaned up, got a referral for my son to get his vision tested, dealt with a credit card company.

I found out that we have vision coverage through Walmart, although it only covers glasses and my son prefers contacts. That means I can finally get a new pair of glasses for myself and will get some kind of reduction for my son's exam with the contacts - that will help!

So I am making it through the days but there is always such effort involved. Last night was the parent meeting for show choir which is $500.00. I had talked to the school about a financial break earlier in the day and then had to come up with a payment plan with the adviser. I was not the only parent to do so. I saw another mom and a dad pick up the financial payment sheet and each converse privately with the adviser. I ended up agreeing to make 6 payments of $75.00 and my son can also help out by selling school related fund raising items during the year.

The show choir is pretty amazing - it reminded me of the choir that is portrayed on the program Glee. My son is the only "jock" athlete of the group, with the majority of the kids being more into the theater, performing arts and dance. I asked my son if he will be comfortable performing for school assemblies and he is fine with it. I hope he is an inspiration to other kids that they can be in more than one type of activity. The athletes tend to only engage in athletic activities, etc. The choir director told me that one of the songs she chose for the group to perform was selected because she wants my son to have a solo in it. So that is a bright spot amidst all this struggle.

The sedan needs a new catalytic converter. It can still be driven but the motor is extremely loud and I am embarrassed. It sounds like I need a new muffler. I was told to keep the windows down while driving because the front pipe is broken near the front of the car and is leaking exhaust into the interior. I picked my youngest up from school and he started laughing about the car and told me that one day I'll look back on this and laugh too. I replied that I really don't think I ever will look back on this period and laugh. It is too difficult with more pain than gain. I'm having trouble staying afloat much less getting ahead or even remaining stable.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to stay with Sam instead of bringing the boys back here to finish high school but I have to stop that train of thought and just go with the fact that that decision was made, what is done is done. We've started my oldest's final year of high school and he is flourishing. So I won't look back and laugh at the hardships we're experiencing now. I do hope I look back and believe the sacrifices were worth it for my sons.

For now, I have to do my best to concentrate on getting through the days and hanging in there. I am hoping that the van can get repaired this week and we'll manage with sharing one vehicle for a month or two and then have the sedan fixed. In the meantime, I am glad I have that doctor appointment tomorrow because at this point, I'll take some extra help if it'll lessen the load of baggage and burdens I'm carrying.