Final Push

My youngest asked me why I hadn't decorated for Halloween, which I haven't - prior widowhood, I was Mrs. Holiday Decorator with a capital "D." I told him that honestly I just don't feel up to it this year. We are in the final year of our apt. lease here and this time next year will have moved. I haven't ever considered this place home - it has always been viewed as a temporary stop on the road and now, all I want is to be away.

The thought of lugging out decorations from the storage shed absolutely overwhelms me. Then setting them up and having to put them away again. I try and put a homemade wreath on the door every month and that is the extent of my holiday spirit, whichever holiday we're celebrating.

I've started to worry about Christmas because I'll do a little something for the boys. But it will be very little and a homespun, homemade celebration.

I've been contemplating my feelings about being so anxious to move and leave this community. It is way past time to do so. In just four months I plan to start looking for a new home! That's it - only four months! On one hand those months seem like a blink of an eye. On the other, they seem endless, especially since they involve the two coldest months of the year to get through.

I know what they say about living fully in the present and not dwelling on the past or future. But I can't seem to stop myself from looking on Realtor.com on a daily basis and focusing on the spring.

Part of me is totally sick of this life as it exists here and has for the past few years. I've reached my limit on holding it all together. I feel upset with myself for being weak in the sense that I'm not able to balance my life right now. By that I mean, appreciate and concentrate on the here and now. If anyone has any suggestions, hints or ideas feel free to add a comment.

I can remember those first few years of widowhood, when looking to the future was torment. I just wish widowhood didn't bring with it such imbalance. It would be nice to have a more even keel life where past, present and future can be neatly arranged and lived. But maybe all that flew out the window when I became widowed. I don't know, just musings...

Not Watching Dateline Alone

I am so glad I went to the party in my building tonight. I met a teacher, activity aide for seniors, school counselor who just obtained her master's, 72-year-old-grandma who holds a black belt and teaches karate, a hospital worker, and newly retired former business owner. The apartments I went into were furnished well, clean, attractive and tidy. Everyone was nice, pleasant and more than friendly. They all wanted me to go out dancing with them afterward but I begged off since tomorrow is a busy day for me. They're going out dancing again next week and want me to join them.

I know for a long time I have harbored intense feelings of failure and shame with myself for having had to move into an apartment. I've never lived in an apartment before. Perhaps I had some sort of white trash image of myself for having to be an apartment dweller. Tonight, however, my stereotypes were broken. That 72-year-old grandma worked two jobs after her divorce to raise her two daughters. She comes from another country and had no family to help her. She did what she had to do, she told me. The other women were divorced too, some with tales of rotten ex-husbands in jail. One of these women was an Irish dancer in the Riverdance Troupe. One divorced woman now lives with her mom. The 36-year-old activity assistant is raising an 8-year-old, although there is a dad whom he visits on weekends.

All in all, a bunch of pretty talented and interesting people. I showed them the video tape of my son performing at the talent contest this summer and told them he will be having an original composition played by the band for the spring concert. This new group of friends all said they wanted to attend the concert! Some of the group is going to take a self-defense class next week together. One woman showed us how to make these amazing star ornaments out of cut paper. The activity assistant asked the Irish dancer to show her how to perform an Irish jig so she can dance it in front of the seniors she works with.

I was complimented on how handsome and nice my sons are and that they have always been polite to the residents. I felt a sense of community, kindness and friendship that has certainly been lacking in my life. People offered to help one another in various ways. When I said I don't really have clothes suitable for going out dancing I was told that they'd come up with something between themselves that I could wear.

I sure hope this is not a one-time interaction. I'd like to be able to socialize like this again. Maybe I can plan a pot luck Valentine bash of my own or a January chilly/chili snowman party. I had been thinking of inviting two of the women I've gotten to know in for tea. I joked with them both that it was good I hadn't done so, because it was clear everyone would have enjoyed something stronger than tea!

Anyway, some aspects of my life seem to be on the upswing. I'm looking forward to socializing with the knitting group (one of the members brought in homemade English toffee at the last meeting - what a treat!). Now I've met some nice friendly people here. I'm feeling more confident about pursing a job in my field and not giving up during the process. Most of all, I feel I can hold up my head a bit higher. I'm an only parent doing what I can for my sons to keep them in the community so they can graduate from the high school they've both thrived at and the town they feel most comfortable in. I've done my best under the circumstances. I'm one of those nice people living in an apartment. So what. It doesn't make me less of a person or diminish my worth. As the 72-year-old grandma said to me to tonight as I complimented her apartment, "We might not own it but it is still our home." I learned a lot tonight and I am grateful for these lessons.

3 x 10 = 30

I am making the effort to try and stay focused and more positive this month, now that my gloomy month of annual anniversaries has passed. Although today is the anniversary of my husband's funeral and the 7th was his memorial service.

1. I need to be more proactive in finding some kind of new job. I've been out there pounding the pavement but nothing has come through. I'll take a store sales job just to bring in some extra funds for the holidays right now.

2. I am still dealing or trying to deal with the aftermath of moving and all the storage shed crap. So many boxes, bags, totes and baskets of stuff to go through. Recipe for disaster - moving from large five bedroom home into small two bedroom apartment. On the bright side, I figure I am doing what would need to be done when moving into a retirement home, so I am accomplishing all of this a few years ahead of time and saving my sons the aggravation besides of having to face it!

So on that note I am trying to give/donate 10 things a day away this month. And throw away/recycle 10 things as well. And to get through 10 of my craft magazines daily since they seem to take over the bookshelves. I'd like to tear out any patterns that inspire me and file them, then pass on the other patterns to others who may use them.

10 x 3 = 30. 30 x 7 = 210. 210 x 4 -= 840. Wouldn't that be great to have reduced my "stuff" by that number by the end of the month! What a gift to start Christmas with and the new year/new life!

3. I'd like to knit/crochet some Christmas ornaments so the boys and I can decorate a small tree this year. And to keep costs down I'd like to occupy my hands by creating my own decorations. We'll see how that goes. I need to come up with some kind of theme and so far nothing is hitting me. Snowflakes with blue baubles? Birds and hearts? Felted apples? Old-fashioned toys? Whatever it ends up being it'll need to be quick and easy and I need to be able to use whatever stash yarn I have on hand. Maybe something really different like a hot pink themed tree? It would also be fun to make an ornament a day from now through the end of the month in between my searching to throw stuff away. Ha, ha!

Well, we'll see how these goals go. They are what I'm aiming for. If a day goes by where I don't reach quota I won't knock myself. Any progress in these areas is progress.

Cobwebs From the Past

I am having a terrible time at it with the storage sheds. The work is tedious and overwhelming me. I feel buried by junk - buried by death. All the stuff just represents dead objects and what is no more. Yesterday, at the shed I ran into my old Avon lady and she and I hugged and caught up as I haven't talked with her since my move. She related feeling exactly as I have expressed - feelings of anxiety, being overwhelmed and as if she is going to have a panic attack. Her plan is also to condolidate stuff from multiple sheds into one unit - to go through stuff and get rid of the excess. She mentioned having a garage sale and I asked her to call me so I might add some things. But it is very difficult just getting through the sheds. The extra cash I might get at a sale would be nice but to be realistic, I don't have the time, energy or orgainizational skills to really try and sell the stuff. The tax donation credit I take is substantial - but to take it I end up documenting EVERYTHING I donate and you know what that means - it is just more work.

Speaking of work that is all I seem to have done since my husband got sick. Spent years taking care of him and his needs. Parenting the boys, helping my folks, even helping out Sam with his move out-of-state! This storage shed job just seems like another thorn in my side. A job that never gets done. It fits in with my observation that there is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes after a spouse dies. Everyone thinks that after a few months of grieving that one should be back on their feet. But even years after the death there is work and stuff to get through, especially if it involves moving or downsizing.

I hate being told that I should just start hauling boxes to the dumpster without even looking in them to dispose of them. These are my possessions and belongings and I deserve to at least sort through them to retain sentimental items. It is just such darn hard and draining work, physically and emotionally. I didn't think it was going to be this bad. So far, I have "downsized" my storage twice so this is the third time. The first was right after the move in October. Then March-May of this year. I am still tired from the last time.

Tried sorting through things while moving from one shed to the other but that is too time consuming and I get off track. I need to move the stuff to save the money and then concentrate on weeding through, sorting and disposing of.

The last years of my life have brought with them more hardship than joy and somehow I see and feel all of that hardship within this storage shed job. Just looking at, touching, moving, constantly thinking about and being surrounded by old junk in a storage shed I'm paying dearly for is enough to make me want to collapse in frustration and fatigue. Oftentimes while I'm working at the shed I just call out in anguish that I can't take it anymore.

My Avon lady commented that it must have been a hard adjustment to have moved from my 2,500 square foot, five-bedroom home to an apartment less than half that size. Yes, it has been. And now I am left with the final job of trying to pare down from one life to this new one. There is only so much time and energy, especially as a widowed mom. I can only take so much, my personal resources only go so far.

I hope this is the final leg of this journey. It has been hot and rainy. I am irritable and angry, cross and blue. This is not an uplifting and joyful process. I wish I could feel motivated and strong that I am accomplishing something for my betterment. But I just feel so bogged down - the work is so exhausting that negativity outweighs the good coming out of this project. This is like extra work on top of all the extra work that has piled up as a result of widowhood. I'm so tired of all of this. I want to be taking a walk and admiring daylilly flowers not sweating and getting dirty in a miserable, dark, smelly storage unit. I've had enough of all this tiring crap. I want more joy and laughter. More sunshine and uncluttered surfaces. More hope and less despair. When I'm working in the shed that is what surrounds me - the overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness. It is time to come into the light and to become more free and less tied down to all that is old, outdated, worn out and past its prime.

Please give me the strength to carry on with this job. If I had the money to spare I'd be tempted to throw in the towel and try to do this at a less ambitious pace. But financially I can't swing the cost of these two units anymore. I pray for the resolve to carry me through the next few days. I pray for a rainbow among the clouds with all this rain. I pray for my sanity and for my back to not break under this load. I pray for lightness of spirit and for me to not be so critical of myself as I try to tackle a job most people are spared from having to face on their own. I have to say that I was a tiny bit annoyed as my Avon lady went through her rundown of feelings AS HER HUSBAND STOOD BY HER SIDE. I was glad to know I am not the only one feeling overwhelmed and overworked with this job. But it was a stab in the back to be reminded of how challenging it is to continually face this kind of stuff on my own when the majority have a spouse or family to count on to some degree.

Strength in Numbers

I ended up taking the boys and I out to eat at Steak and Shake for a Mother's Day meal out. I had some coupons and the boys got a burger, fries, salad and shake for $5.99 a meal. How can you beat that? After going, I realized how necessary it sometimes is for us to get out and do something even if it stretches the budget. The boys and I hadn't been out to eat in months and doing so was such a treat. It was so nice to sit at the booth and talk to the boys. Really have some conversations instead of quick and hurried snatches of comments and words during school pick-up and drop-offs.

My youngest brought up the information that one of his friends has parents getting divorced. He said that the mom is looking at our apartment complex as a potential place to move since they will be selling the house. Just knowing and hearing this was like receiving a gift! My son went on to say that his friend and her siblings were cleaning out the home of their father's possessions as their Mother's Day gift to their mom. Now I found that funny but also sad.

Anyway, the point to my bringing all of this up since it happened some weeks back is to to relate how just knowing another mom is in my shoes does a great deal to make me feel less isolated and alone in all of this. As I have mentioned in other posts, there aren't many families headed by single parents in this community, which happens to be one of the top 100 wealthiest towns and counties in the country. So it is a double-edged sword living here because of the high incomes of the intact families.

I felt very sorry for this woman that I know from my old PTA days and her children. It is not entirely the same set of circumstances since it is a divorce. But this family did live in the same neighborhood as we did and it will be an adjustment for all of them to move from a home into an apartment. Sometimes just knowing I am not the only one serves to give me a new lease on life. It often seems as though I am the only one since the widowhood gig is so isolating and the community I live in increase that sense of isolation. Hearing of another mom facing similar issues takes some of the sting out of the stigma and shame I carry around with me everyday. There can be strength in numbers, even very small ones.

Keeping A Roof Over My Sons' Heads

Some weeks ago I went back to the community job center where they provide assistance for those out of work. The previous time I had gone, I'd experienced a rather distressing encounter with a male job counselor. He had kept pushing me to examine my overall employment goals and I was centered on just finding a job to start working and feel less financial pressure. The next time I met with a woman about 10 years my senior. She shared her very interesting situation and we certainly connected on an emotional level.

She related that at only age 40 had she gone back to finish her college degree. Then came the period where her husband left her out of the blue and sought a divorce. Just after this her mother became ill and she went to Florida to provide care. Her mother died and she then helped her father deal with the loss. She returned home to take care of her children but then her dad's health rapidly deteriorated. So she returned to Florida to sell the house and move him into an apartment. He was unable to manage on his own so she went back yet again to get him into an assisted living facility. He didn't like the place and she had to move him to another. But then just six months after his wife's death and all the turmoil of moving around, he died himself. This was a huge blow to the daughter as an only child.

I was very interested in the story this woman was weaving. She told me she did not know of the kind of loss I had experienced but that she did know what it was like to feel totally alone in the world. She was able to work at a job in the business field after finishing her degree. Although her husband ended up living with another woman, she did not remarry. Her children grew up, went to college and married. Just recently, more life changes occurred for her. She lost her job and ended up selling her home and moving to an apartment.

Hearing this really impacted me. I was sitting across a very attractive, articulate and intelligent woman - someone who'd also experienced the necessity of having to move from a home. This gave me some courage and more confidence. Also, it allowed me to view myself less negatively and as a failure - stuff happens.

She went on to talk a little about dating. I guess there were some pretty dry years in there. But at some point when her kids were less demanding of her time and attention she came to the realization that she needed to carve out a life for herself and began dating. She told me about a singles group in the area I have heard of. She said she joined it not so much to date, but to have fun activities to particpate in. She said that she had formed some good female friendships.

About nine months ago she was on a dating site like eHarmony when she was reconnected with a widower she'd been matched with three years ago. Back then he was newly widowed and not really ready to get out there again. Things didn't work out for them but even after all these years she had never forgotten about him. Turns out they have been dating and although she said he is somewhat older than she, she is happy with their relationship. In fact, the next day they were going to take one of his grandsons to an antique auto show.

I asked her about dating in the here and now because so many people are out of work or facing financial changes. She replied that half of the women her male friend had met through dating sites were unemployed - it is the nature of the times. So again, hearing this made me feel less alone and stigmatized. I'm not the only woman who has faced some transitions relating to the loss of a partner and financial issues.

I greatly enjoyed the time I shared with this woman because it opened my eyes to the larger world and provided some much needed perspective. In a way it was like filling up my empty tank with fuel. Sharing our situations and life experiences was revitalizing and gave me courage, strength and even some hope to continue to trudge on.

During our time together the woman made the kind comment to me that after all that I've been through, I have at least kept a roof over my sons' heads. And that is something.

A Day in the Life

Spent most of the late morning and early afternoon at H & R Block. I had to run home for the boys' social security numbers and that added 30 minutes (my error - I should have thought to have them on me). The first draft had me owing around $700.00. But redoing the numbers with another exemption brought it down to owing nothing, thank goodness, the first time since my husband's death that I am not paying the IRS in April! H & R Blocked charged me $349.00, I thought it would be less. I delayed paying them and having the taxes transmitted because the due date is still a month off. I'll wait until I receive my first paycheck next week - it will only be for a couple hundred dollars but right now I am fearful of running my small checking account balance down and overdrafting. I would rather be safe than sorry. At least I know that the damage isn't going to involve owing the IRS money that I don't have. That is a blessing.

The cold/flu thing I have is still with me concentrated in my sinus area and chest. I have to cough and my voice is hoarse. But I am better, on the mend I would say.

I made the boys go to the free dental clinic they had at the school, which is available to all students regardless of income. The first thing my youngest said when I picked him up from track was "I am never going to that dental clinic again." He disclosed that he was the only non-minority of the 10 kids there. He also said that he does not think my oldest went and will blow it off. The boys have not seen their dentist since last April so I thought it would be a good idea for them to go. It was at the school and I talked with the nurse about the boys being embarrassed. We'd arranged that they would see her for passes so they wouldn't have to be called out of their classes. I just figured it was worth getting done because it was free and would avoid me having to take them in the future and wait for future appointments, etc.

My son's comments upset me - I feel for him. Luckily, he does not need any work done (he got a cleaning). We are the family that had to move to the other side of the tracks. This can't have been easy for my boys. If they rode the bus to school, they would be the only non-minority kids riding. I'm not sure how to process that. Does it make our situation worse to now live in a community where we have become the minority? I have no problems or complaints about our neighbors but I do understand my sons' wariness about riding the bus. They want to avoid trouble and I suppose also want to avoid feeling embarrassed. I feel kind of crappy that I forced my sons (at least one) to go to the dental clinic. I thought it made sense, was worth it and helpful to me besides. Anyway, at least I don't have to worry about getting one of them to the dentist now. I wish I could have gone - you can bet I would have taken advantage of a free cleaning as it has been almost a year for me too.

What I keep being reminded of is that my boys have been deeply touched by my husband's death. In some good ways and in some bad. I continue to feel hurt for them that so few people have ever really stopped to think about how this experience has impacted them. That old cliche "Kids are resilient" doesn't stand muster with me. I have come to believe that kids can be very wounded too. They don't bounce back as easily as we may want to believe.

I needed to stop to pick up something for dinner when I got my youngest. He complained that he did not want to wait for me to even run into the store quickly, agreeing to eat a BLT sandwich tonight with soup since I have those items on hand. I still needed to run into the store for two small tomatoes and to get money for the laundry card. Then I had to fill my little sedan up with some gas. The mileage is great - $20.00 fills the tank and lasts a month!

My son then got annoyed with me and I had to listen to his complaints about my not having signed him up for driver's ed yet - he is 15. He was supposed to register for it at school but did not. Now it will cost me $400.00 or so to get him signed up at a local driving school. While he badgered me with the fact that I love my older son more, I was frantically thinking about the H & R Block bill due, the 4 tires I need to replace on the car, the auto insurance due in mid-April and the fact that I still need to come up with the remaining $400.00 owed my bankruptcy attorney. I was getting irritated at my son, short and snippy but at the same time felt sorry for him because he went to the dental clinic so I didn't want to bash him. But still...

We get home and I realize I have forgotten to pick up bath tissue yet again from the store. I run back out to put $10.00 on the laundry card so I can wash towels tonight, of which there have not been any clean ones in the past few days. The boys go through them like no tomorrow and I am considering hiding them and rationing them out. It is too expensive to be washing as many loads of laundry that I do weekly now and the machines here do not wash or dry particularly well. And I hate having to drag everything down to the laundry room - it is so dirty in there. I really do miss the huge, extra large capacity washer and dryer I had when I lived in my home.

So there is my day and I am tired. I am not sure if it is because I am still recovering from the flu/cold thing I had, or getting the taxes was emotionally draining or the prospect of doing laundry depresses me. But I feel drawn out and not looking forward to fixing even the simple BLT sandwiches on the menu.

I am grateful:

1. The taxes were done - not the most pleasant job to get done.
2. That I do not owe any taxes.
3. That my youngest (at least one out of the two) doesn't need any future dental work.
4. I am feeling a bit better, slowly but surely.
5. There is food for dinner, gas for the cars, electricity for the appliances.

Ron Howard Saves the Day!

Last night my son wanted to watch the new Ron Howard produced program called "Parenthood." He had heard it was good. I don't watch much t.v. but decided to view it with him and was pleasantly surprised. The storyline centers around a close California family with four adult children, now raising their own kids. The oldest daughter has just moved back home with her parents to get back on her feet after a divorce with her musician, drug using and dealing husband. She has two teenagers, a boy and girl. The daughter is smoking cigarettes and pot. The son wants to go back home to live with his dad. Another son, also with two kids is kicked off his son's little league team as the coach for badgering an umpire who called out his son. The son, age 8 is experiencing learning and social problems - the school suspects he has Asperger's, a high-functioning form of Autism. There is sibling rivalry between the two adult daughters, one of whom is the golden girl high-powered attorney. But it appears that her marriage may not be as strong as she thought it was. The younger brother is portrayed as the commitment phobe. His girlfriend wants to have a baby, NOW, but he is not ready. Then the bomb is dropped at the end of the hour. Turns out he has already fathered a little boy but did not know until now!

Great real stuff. Thank goodness for reality and not hiding the crumbs under the rug! Middle-aged dating after divorce is one of the topics humorously brought up, along with the grandfather being told off with, "I'm not raising my kids the way you raised me." When the teenage daughter asks her mom why they have to move back with the grandparents, the mom replies, "Because we've run out of money." Just gotta love that! Now it would be great if one of the four adult kids had been widowed or maybe widowhood is reflected between the grandparents in some way. But at this point it is a minor criticism because this is such a refreshing and modern take on life today and I felt they did a very good job at it. I guess divorce is simpler to portray because it is more common for mid-lifers and easier to relate to.

So, maybe there is hope for Hollywood after all! Thank you Ron Howard for having the courage to portray a real family with real issues and real lives. I really believed this was an honest-to- good family that could actually exist! I have to admit feeling a tinge of envy while viewing this hour, though. These kids had the support of family to fall back on and that is not something I can rely on. My widowhood has been a very singualr road.

I am grateful:

1. For the springlike weather.
2. For having medical insurance (I'll devote a post to this topic in the near future).
3. For being able to take my sons to doctor appointments.
4. For being able to get my sons Rx acne medication and not pay through the nose.
5. For being offered a job (I'll post on that too).

Aftermath

I think I am mourning the loss of my home. I say "I think" because I don't know anymore where the hell I am on this grief continuum. All the losses of the past six years are all bunched up into one big ball anyway. They all connect back to the death of my husband. I can't seem to separate one from the other.

It has only been five months since we sold the house and moved. Just five months that now feel like an eternity. The whole summer was spent cleaning and selling the home. Then, when it was sold, I literally on my own moved from a five-bedroom home into a two-bedroom space. I am down to one and a half storage units now housing the overflow which includes stuff I never had the time to get through when my mom died and my parent's house was sold, in 10/2007!

I was way too busy to think, much less grieve or process what moving would mean back in the summer. Now that I have some perspective with the passing of time, I look back with amazement that I was able to accomplish the feat of moving largely on my own. Sam was there during the actual 2-day move with the movers and he helped me a little with cleaning out the garage which ended up taking two long weeks. But there I was, a widowed overwrought mom, being forced to sell her home, working odd hours at the big box store, making sure teen boys got to their summer baseball games and accomplishing a major move on my own. The people in my world shrugged their shoulders and matter-of-factly went on with their lives, while mine was falling apart at the seams - literally.

And now here I am trying to cope with the aftermath. From this view I have tremendous admiration for what I accomplished over the summer. This was a big house and it had been pretty disorganized and messy from the years of my husband's illness and then my stint as an only parent. But there is also pent-up anger for this crazy world I inhabit that is so lacking in support, be it emotional or with helping with physical tasks. I can't quite put my finger on it to describe it properly. But it is this sense I get from others that my losses aren't really such a big deal, that they don't matter or count.

Well, let me set the record straight - losing my home was a tremendous loss and I am reeling from it five months later. But I don't know how to grieve this or where to go from here. Even Sam gives me that pat answer when I try and relate to him how much of a loss this is to me. You know the one - "You lost your home, it is over, now you have to get over it and move on..." I've asked him to stop reading this blog because he gets upset with me for getting too down, or feeling low and grieving too much. You know the drill. I'm sure you have heard all of that before too.

The thing is though, that this is a new loss. It is one slamming into me after a slew of others. Am I really supposed to be jumping cartwheels down the street and gleefully shouting, "I just lost my house five months ago!" Really, what do people expect? This is a major loss, although it is secondary to the death of my husband six years ago. That passage of time just keeps biting me in the backside. People think that because it has been awhile for me that I shouldn't be grieving at all, and I guess that includes the other losses that accumulated after my husband died.

There doesn't seem to be that much out there about handling and getting through secondary grief losses. Just that we need to acknowledge and grieve them individually. I think that some people view my ongoing grief as that for my husband and they think I am grieving too long. They don't know that the secondary losses along the way are part of the mix. And I've said this before, but in my case the pain I've experienced from these seemingly lesser losses has actually been harder for me to endure. Maybe it is because I'm more weary, have fewer resources, or am facing them without a spouse by my side. But these secondary challenges have been a chore to stare down in the eye.

Getting back to Sam, I just have felt that he has been critical and even holds what I post about against me. For example, he will remark that I seem more down when I am on the phone with him than how I seemed when I posted. Of course, none of our moods are stable. Maybe I was more upbeat or positive earlier in the day. And maybe my enthusiasm waned as the sun went down. I have felt I have had to defend myself and that is not what I want out of blogging. I surely do not want to say that my blog got between us!

I just read yesterday that the success of keeping a grief journal and I suppose blogging could fall under this category, is that it allows us to release toxic emotions. That then enables us to go on and face our days more productively. I will add that when I blog I take extreme care to be entirely honest and forthright. I present myself and whatever I feel at the time as it is for me. There is no hiding or sugarcoating.

So right now I am feeling some frustration with the pain that is haunting me based on losing my home. It is definitely not helping me to have excess time on my hands not working. I am going to reinvigorate my job-hunting focus - to step it up a notch. I am also going to devote more time and energy into clearing out the storage sheds. I need to keep busy and focused right now. And I am going to be kind to myself - really kind. And nurturing too. Maybe try and do some fun things just for me.

I am grateful:

1. For the return of McDonald's Shamrock Shakes.
2. That I have extra items to be able to donate to Goodwill.
3. For the great purse I bought some years back for $8.00 on sale, that I've used all winter. And I really was in need of one. It is a hand-knitted cable pattern design!
4. That I was able to get career counseling appts. on Tue. and Wed. I will get help with navigating the cyberworld which I am now floundering in.
5. For microwave popcorn.

The Time Is Now

I've been way guilty of saving a lot of objects in my life for later. Like all the creams and lotions that come with the perfume gift sets I get at the holidays or for Mother's Day. And I have tons of candles that have remained unburned. They are so pretty and smell so nice I don't know why I have never lit them. Also, various makeup items, fancy soaps, stationery, note cards, bottles of wine, clothing, bound journals - I can probably think of more things but I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Having to move from the house to the apartment resulted in me clearing out various drawers and shelves and all of this stuff became unhidden. The other day I came across a large bag of soap dishes, hand cream tubes and cute soaps in the shape of snowflakes. I had purchased them a few years back to have on hand to give as holiday and teacher gifts. It really bothered me to see them again as they were long forgotten. For one thing they are not being used and they are taking up valuable and needed space.

I knitted two adorable dish cloths in a multi-colored blue cotton yarn to add to the bath items and I gave two sets away. One to the boys' school counselor for all her help in getting the boys back on track after their move and return. The other to my Nursing Assistant instructor because I really liked her and we developed a bit of friendship between us in the five weeks I took the class. I plan on knitting up three more dish cloths. They are round and in the shape of flowers - just adorable. Each takes about two hours for me to knit but I do so during my downtime while watching t.v. - that is why it probably takes two hours because I have to keep track of rows, so I wait til the commercials. Anyway, I want to give away two bath sets to the moms of my sons' friends whom they often stay over with and as a housewarming to my girlfriend who sold her home and moved into a townhouse. I will keep and use one set for myself.

That big bag is just looking at me with an evil eye. I don't want any bags like this in my life anymore. Things need to be used and appreciated - not stored away for a rainy day in the future. I have started to use up my supply of lotions and creams and am finding that the five minutes I devote to myself in the morning to do so is a way cheap but well worth it luxury. I smell great all day and my dry winter skin is smooth. I am lighting candles during the day while I work on the computer and then again at night when the boys and I eat dinner and then they do homework. The candles glowing have taken away some of the gloom of winter.

I have also started work on cleaning and clearing out storage shed #2 of the original 3 - currently there are just 2. I am going to ruthless in what I decide to keep and discard. There are about 10 small boxes of my beloved grandmother's china that my mom gave me some years before she died. She knew I would appreciate the design because it is made up of orange flowers and orange is one of my favorite colors. I am strongly considering getting the boxes out of storage and displaying them in someway or just using them. Why not? What good are they doing sitting in storage? So what if one piece out of the eight piece set breaks? Isn't it better to use what we love and enjoy it fully?

I got this image of my boys having to clear out my clutter and knew without a doubt that all the lotions, creams and candles would wind up in a dumpster somewhere. So I am going to be non-frugal with what I already own and have. I'm going to use it up with no worries about waste or running out. I am going to appreciate the little luxuries I already have. I am experiencing an unexpected surge of pleasure whenever a candle burns down and I have to replace it and I use up a tube of the nice body lotion.

Today I am grateful:

1. For all of the excess in my life because it does represent a life of plenty even now during hard times.
2. For the spring catalogs appearing in the mail. I get inspired at looking at pretty things even not being able to afford them right now. And I get decorating and craft ideas for free too!
3. For all the free craft patterns I can access via the internet.
4. For warm, cozy and soft gloves.
5. For the scent of Johnson's Baby Lotion. I am using a cream that smells like this right now and it is very soothing.
3.

Coming Up Out Of The Cave

When you are in the depths of grief it is very hard to do much more of anything but grieve. At least that has been my personal experience. I am coming out of the cave I have been in as I've tried to deal with the loss of my home. It has not been unlike the grief I had to travel with when my husband and Mom died and then going through the divorce.

The pain and intensity sometimes doesn't hit you until well after the fact. I was so busy cleaning the house and had to concentrate on selling it over the summer. Then there was having to find an apartment, the actual sale, closing and then physical move of my possessions, which turned out to be far more difficult than I'd anticipated. Doing all of these things on my own was another challenge.

I'm not looking for a pity party here - just stating facts. The move ended up being physically and emotionally draining for me and it wasn't until the dust had settled that I could comprehend how much. No doubt, that was some of the reason the idea of having to relocate with Sam to another state just ended up not being feasible right now.

I think that there was much grieving this holiday season about the loss of the house. It was there underneath everything without really being acknowledged. I was terribly depressed. Having to move was the icing on the cake, topping so many losses before it. It was another huge goodbye made even more difficult because the previous ones had depleted and weakened my soul and spirit. It has involved another identity change - from wife to widow to wife to divorcee; from homeowner to renter.

But I have started to take stock again as we all must at some point. A new year and all that comes into play too. When we are grieving people can point their fingers all they want with advice and solutions. But until we are ready, willing and able we won't be able to climb up out of the cave. The same thing goes for our own advice. At some level we all know what we should be doing to cope and function better. But again, until we are able to act accordingly we won't be able to do so. When our grief is that intense we need to stand strong and tall and make no apologies to anyone. Our job is to tend to the grief, pure and simple.

Whether enough time has passed or not, I'm not sure. I just have reached the point for me where I need to move past such active and intense grief. I am focusing on mindfulness, attentiveness, order and reframing.

Mindfulness/Attentiveness - I just need to be more aware of my surroundings and interactions with life and others. I need to be more of an active participant and less of a passive observer.

Order - I have always found and believed that when life is most chaotic, as long as we can exert some bit of control, we will be the better for it. I think that we need to feel we have some control over our destinies, especially when our lives seem particularly out of balance.

Reframing - I need to remember that it is not always what it appears and that there are more options.

This week I made an effort to get a bit organized to start the year out on a good foot. I changed purses, cleaned out my wallet and balanced my checkbook. I felt better just knowing that my purse was tidy. After grocery shopping, I reviewed the receipts for accuracy noticing one had incorrectly run up a purchase. The next day I returned to the store and received a $3.50 refund. I went to the dollar store needing to pick up some baking pans as mine are "lost" from the recent move. I am trying to make do with some cheap replacements knowing I already own decent bake ware, pots and pans. The pans were not marked but the sign underneath said all items not tagged cost $1.00. When I was at the cashier I nicely complained when they charged me $3.00 and was given the pans for $1.00.

At the bookstore I noticed a woman my age sipping a Venti Starbuck's while reading leisurely. My immediate reaction was to feel resentful and bitter. Why does she get to loll away the morning at a bookstore? Why can't I do that? Why is my life so harder...? But then I got off my high horse to reframe. Maybe this was a busy woman just like me and she had planned for this morning and then implemented it. Who says I can't do the same thing in the future? Plan a morning off where I sit and read at Border's. And then someone gazing at me might even have the same reaction as I first did - that I am a privileged, suburban mom with excess time on my hands!

I rented the small storage locker available in our laundry room and moved out the still unpacked boxes from the apartment. Enough is enough. I'll try and get through as many as I can (and the boys can help too) as quickly as I can but in the meantime, all of us deserve to live in an uncluttered and welcoming environment. At the same time, I am going through everything and donating whatever we no longer use or have use for. Eventually I will have to face the real job of emptying out the storage sheds.

These are small attempts I know but are helping me feel as though I am back in the game of life and doing more than just letting it run past me. In addition, I am trying to observe other strategies that work for me such as reading before bed, watching a half-hour of "The Office" everyday because it makes me laugh and devoting 15 minutes to my knitting hobby. I have forced myself to get up early and not hunker back down under the covers because it is winter, cold and I am depressed.

All in all, some progress.

Today I am grateful for:

1. "The Office."
2. Grapefruit in season.
3. Having too many possessions, hence the need for storage backup in the first place.
4. The winter sun making an appearance.
5. Crock pots.

Staying In As The Snow Falls

We are having ANOTHER winter storm here, SIGH, which is supposed to continue through tomorrow. It is a day for hunkering down and staying in. On days like these I like to have something in the oven going to boost up the heat and to make our home smell more warm and cozy. Last night, I baked banana bread from a box of cake mix I had on hand. I had wanted to use up some bananas and didn't want to put in much effort. One review of the recipe, which I found online, said that the first loaf of the bread was eaten by the family in one day. Well, I will top that. My boys ate one of the loaves within an hour! I didn't believe the reviews which raved about the recipe but it is very moist and good. Almost as good as my real banana bread made from scratch!

Cheap, Easy, Fun Banana Bread

1 box yellow cake mix
3 - 5 ripe bananas (I used 4)
1/3 cup vegetable oil (you can also use 1 cup of apple sauce if that is what is on hand)
3 eggs
optional - 1 cup chocolate chips, which we add to everything I bake

Mix all ingredients well, pour into two loaf pans coated with cooking spray and bake at 350 degrees for approximately 45 minutes (start checking on bread at 35 minutes).

I also made a new recipe for chili last night, which was a nice change of pace since I make a lot of chili over the winter - once a week.

Sloppy Joe Chili

1 cup chopped onion
2 T. Chili powder (at least - I always use more)
1 lb. ground turkey or beef
1 can Sloppy Joe sauce
1 can drained kidney beans
3 cups hot cooked white rice

Brown onions and chili powder with cooking spray. Cook meat and drain. Stir in Sloppy Joe sauce and beans, heating for about 5 minutes. Serve chili over rice and top with cheese, sour cream and more chili powder. I always serve corn with chili. We don't usually eat chili with rice and it was surprisingly tasty.

I am taking advantage of being able to stay in and putter. We're supposed to get at least 7 inches of snow. This is kind of my last fling, since I'll be seriously searching for work as soon as I take the Nursing Asst. state exam next Sat. I am trying to be as cheap as possible in terms of feeding us but want to be preparing some more creative entrees focusing on what is in the pantry.

I have a large can of Bartlet pears and some applesauce so today's mission will be to see what I can come up with to use those. I still have some bananas left and might try the above recipe using a box of chocolate cake mix. I love to cook and bake and really have not done it since having to pack up and move from the house. Things seem to be settling in a bit or maybe I am just ready to try and make life more settled. For me that has always involved cooking and baking and I am finding it a creative challenge to come up with cheap and flavorful dishes.

Our place still smells so good from last night's meal and banana bread. I want to try and keep up this effort and momentum. It makes a difference. My oldest came in last night from studying with his girlfriend and the first words out of his mouth were how good it smelled when he opened the door. We all need more of those simple moments.

Re-Gifting

We were fortunate to be able to have Christmas dinner with my close girlfriend and her family. We have been doing this a couple years now (since my Mom died) and we also celebrate together at the 4th of July. My brother who lives locally takes his vacation at Christmas so he is not in town. My sister and I have been at odds since my Mom's death. So, this dinner represents family and togetherness for us. My girlfriend is a teacher and has befriended a 74 semi-retired secretary at her school, R. This woman is estranged from family, lives alone and doesn't drive. She attends the Christmas dinner too.

I had to force myself the past two days to be cheerful and not morbidly depressed. Although that is how I felt inside. I didn't think I could ruin what little celebration the boys would have by my mood. Nor could I ruin my friend's kindness and her dinner. So I did my best to put on my game face and keep it on. I didn't put up any type of tree at the apartment because my massive collection of Christmas decorations are buried between two large storage sheds. When you already own so much it is hard to justify buying more, even when you can't dig them out of storage. So it was very nice to have such a pretty tree to gaze at and enjoy at my friend's home.

But it was painful to see the modest assortment of unwrapped gifts under the tree because we didn't have any this year. I saw a pile of those small cookbooks you can pick up at the grocery checkout line and asked my friend who was thoughtful enough to get her those. She admitted she had gotten them for her own stocking because she gets so tired of not having anything to open from it. I got a big kick out of this because in year's past I did the same thing for my stocking - the universal plight of the single or only parent!

It was snowing and very pretty outside but I kept remembering the Christmas Days of my past life (before husband's death - BHD) and the reality that if he were still living, we'd be at our own special and happy celebration. As nice as my friend's dinner was, I would have preferred my own with our individual and unique traditions.

I enjoyed talking to R. She and I have gotten to know each other a bit over the years. I gave my girlfriend a lovely soft and fuzzy scarf I knitted in shades of blue, her favorite color. Last year I made everyone at the dinner ski bands. BHD, I used to give such nice presents to the teachers, friends and family. And I baked masses of cookies and quick breads. It is humbling to be in a position where homemade gifts become the norm because of no other options. Although, I might consider re-gifting if I had anything to give.

My friend's annual gift to our family is a bag of soda, candy, popcorn and gift card for a video rental. She and her friend exchanged DVDs of their favorite old t.v. shows and my friend also got some Bath & Body Works lotions, a candle and ski band. My friend asked if the ski band came from a craft show since she likes to attend those. R. did not reply.

Our Christmas feast was traditional and with all the trimmings: turkey, potato (mashed and sweet), dressing, pear/cranberry/spinach salad, broccoli salad, cranberry, green bean casserole, corn, relish, rolls, cookies and homemade pumpkin pie. Since my friend is going out of town to visit her family, she gave us ALL the leftovers, which I am sure she had planned to do in advance. She was even kind enough to serve a bottle of Cabernet for me, my favorite.

We listened to Christmas music which I have heard very little of this season. My oldest left after pie to go back to his girlfriend's down the street. At 8:30, my friend took R. home but I stayed back just sitting in front of the tree and watching the snow fall from the picture window. It was hard being at my friend's home, which is a modest ranch. I felt sad with the realization that I no longer own my own home and that our life in now in a cramped and messy apartment because there isn't much storage space.

While my friend was out, I looked at the gifts she received and wanted to examine the ski band since I am a crafter. I looked at it closely and thought the pattern looked familiar. Upon closer inspection I realized that the band was one of the ones I'd made for my girlfriend and her family and R. last Christmas! Turns out the friend re-gifted my homemade gift back to my girlfriend this year! This realization was amusing but also a little sad. I suppose it made me think that people don't consider handmade gifts very valuable.

When my girlfriend returned she got a good chuckle over the re-gifting. Then we spent some quality time talking and listening to music. I looked at pictures of some guys she is communicating with at eHarmony and read their emails. Then we both admitted that throughout the evening both of us had had the thought that we do not want to end up like R. We don't want to be in the position of going to someone's home other than our families because there is no where else to go. To suspect that someone feels sorry for us.

R. got divorced in the 1960s, well before it became acceptable in society. Her husband had an affair and his mistress got pregnant. The baby was born on the same day as R.'s little girl. So R. raised two kids and worked as a secretary on her own. She was bitter about her husband's affair and divorce (rightly so). She never dated or remarried. I remember having similar thoughts about R. and her situation last year too. 50 years is a long time to go without sex or male companionship. I don't want that for my life. I have tremendous admiration for anyone raising kids on their own and working. It is very, very trying and tiring. But looking back on my own life, I am glad I still had the courage and strength to get myself back out there into the dating world after my husband died and even after the second one filed for divorce.

Despite the disaster of my second marriage, I have no regrets that I took another chance on love and went for it. I would rather be facing the consequences of that doomed relationship than to be living a safer and predictable life as R. chose. But I know and appreciate that everyone is different. What is right for me may not be for someone else. But I know that it is important for me to build and share a life with a significant other. And that I am extremely unfulfilled and empty living without a partner.

Here we were last night, three woman with different painful stories related to divorce and death of husbands. None of us had any clues when we first got married as to the final outcomes of those unions. It made me reflect on Sam who was not with us this Christmas like he was last year. The weather was just too risky for the drive and he only had Christmas day off and needed to be back at work today. Within this next week I have to make the decision as to whether to stick it out here for the sake of the boys finishing high school at their old school or go ahead with the move out-of-state and a quicker future with Sam. That will be the emphasis of my upcoming posts but for today I wanted one last entry about Christmas and to keep my depression and holiday blues at bay for a little longer.

And I had to share the story about the Christmas re-gifting! That ties right on in with my knitted oven mitt mitten! But if I can throw in my two cents here - I know after this I'll really think twice about ever re-gifting, even if that means all I can give is a handmade gift.

Christmas Past and Present

The circumstances of the past few months have resulted in my not decorating in any way. There is nothing up yet at either Sam's home or my apartment. It is the first year I have never not celebrated or tried to pull together some sort of seasonal spirit.

My decorations and numerous trees are buried in two storage sheds and I am just not motivated to make or buy anything. I've run out of time for making decorations and money is beyond tight. My heart has not been in this year's holiday at all. There was just too much going on finishing my Asst. Nursing class and then moving out of state to get the kids enrolled in the new school right after Thanksgiving.

I can't believe it is only a week before Christmas now! If the boys were younger, I would be more concerned about the trimmings and decorations. I used to go all out. Every year I would have a different theme for the tree and sometimes had three or four in the house. I made many homemade decorations and ornaments, knitted wreaths, baked tons of cookies and breads. The boys got many presents. On display was my large collecion of antique Santas. Holiday music was played all day and the house was filled with good scents.

The memories I am recalling are making me smile because I did create some beautiful ones for my family. And that includes Husband #2 with a tree that was white with all blue ornaments and blue lights. But I am also a bit sad that this holiday is one that is turning out to be so sparse.

We are thankfully going to my girlfriend's for Christmas and her home will have a tree. We'll have to get our holiday fix there. I need to knit some scarves for gifts. I will put up Sam's little fiber optic tree tomorrow and we'll treat it as a joke. I have some stained glass window designs that can be colored and maybe I can request that the boys and Sam make one so I can hang them in the picture window. I can bake something, even one item from a mix, say gingerbread and we can have it warm from the oven with popcorn and hot chocolate while we watch my favorite movie, "Love Actually." Maybe I can get some little gifts from the dollar store and wrap them so the boys have a pile of something to open.

My oldest was born in early December and in the early years of my marriage, life was so hectic at the holidays, my husband and I celebrated with gifts on New Year's Eve. One year, when my oldest had been hospitalized with Impetigo/Chicken Pox and I was pregnant with my second, the tree wasn't even put up until Dec. 26th! I am laughing as I think about that memory. Perhaps years from now I will look back and recall this as an unconventional holiday that still got celebrated. A little time remains to come up with some ideas.

But this season will be one of extreme simplicity and restraint. Has anyone else noticed as have I, that there aren't as many decorations out at the shopping centers? Guess I'm not the only one cutting back this year. I do take back my first statement about there being nothing up at either residence. Sam put up some snowmen, including one I crafted last Christmas and gave him as a gift.

GF (SAM)

GF's dad was killed by a hit and run driver just days before he turned 16. He had been thrilled to tell him that he'd just gotten his first job at a grocery store in the city. GF never had that opportunity. His dad was supposed to bring home Chinese for dinner that night. But he never called or came home. Today, it is very important that GF hears regularly from the people he cares about. His ex-wife accuses him of calling his 11-year-old son too much. She also got annoyed with his frequent phone calls during the day. GF has always made a point of calling me throughout the day. In the morning to say, "Have a good day" and "I love you." In the evening to say, "Goodnight" and "I love you." During the day to say, "I am thinking about you." Over the past two days GF has called to say that he supports whatever decision I make regarding moving with him or to stay put for the sake of the boys at their current school. We came home for the weekend so I could work at the big box store during my two-week notice period and to give the boys an opportunity to see their friends.

The boys were in much better moods on the drive home. I let my oldest drive and he made it in far less time than I have since I drive a lot more slowly. They both spoke of joining the wrestling team at the new school upon their return next week; my oldest talked about going to one of the colleges in the new state; my youngest said he had made three friends in his biology class. I had spoken with the boys' school counselor on Wednesday and she met with them first thing Thursday morning to revise their schedules and get rid of some of those extra study halls. She also changed my youngest's lunch period so he can now eat with his brother, whom has already been sitting at a table with Senior cheerleaders. I think they are resigned to the move, although my oldest is upset about leaving his girlfriend as her mom died last March. I asked him if she would prefer that he be living out on the street and offered to drive him back as much as possible to see her.

GF's parents were poor. His dad sold real estate and back in the 70s there was a recession that killed the housing market. GF recalls that they ate so much canned spaghetti and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that it has only been recently that he could eat peanut butter again. After his dad died, there was not much money and he went to work full-time to support his mom and sister. It took GF 8 years to get through college going part-time while working full-time at the same grocery store he had been hired at when he turned 16. He rose to the position of manager there.

GF is not a complaining sort of guy. He is optimistic, loyal, responsible and does what needs to be done without griping (unlike me). He often says, "Life is good," a phrase he adopted after his dad died and "It is what it is." GF had a romantic relationship with a young woman whom he loved but had a fatal illness. It did not matter to him that she was going to die as a young adult. He loved her. She ended up breaking up with him before her untimely death. In the same spirit of love and acceptance, GF married his wife even knowing that she suffered from fertiltiy issues that would make it difficult for them to have a baby.

GF worked at a bank then was a manager at a big name drug store. He and his wife did have a baby through in vitro but their second attempt failed and they lost twins. GF wanted to spend more time with his son and moved to a less demanding store management position. He was extremely involved with his son's life taking a six-month leave of absence after his birth to be with him. GF felt the absence of his father and this of course affected him and how he wanted to be a parent.

I first started communicating with GF after Husband #2 initially filed for divorce in January, '08. My husband refused to speak with me and I was incredibly devastated and heartbroken. In fact, my husband didn't even have the decency to tell me he'd filed, a fact I learned having to call the courthouse every day per the advice of my attorney. GF and I started talking online but I was hesitant and wanted to reconcile with my husband. Basically, GF and I emailed about grief issues and when my husband and I got back together for a few months I ceased all contact with GF. But when my husband refiled for the divorce in July, I again was devastated and thought about GF. I decided to call him because I wanted to know what had happened to him. I truly hoped that he had met a nice woman and had moved on beyond his own pain and grief about his divorce. I called him because I wanted to know that life would go on and that I would survive my own loss. I wanted to know he was okay. Knowing that would somehow give me much needed strength to go forward myself.

I finally drew up the courage to call GF, which I did after going to an antique show attended by what seemed to me to be exclusively couples (gay and straight - mostly middle-aged). He remembered me (after 6 months of no contact) and all of our communication with surprising detail. He had just bought a small home and was with his son. We made arrangements to talk on the phone and soon after, agreed to meet for dinner.

GF was very supportive of me during my long, drawn-out divorce. We were friends and I certainly needed someone to communicate with, especially since my husband had virtually shut out any contact with me. GF was tolerant of the feelings I still had for my husband and was aware of my desire to still try and reconcile. GF also had been "dumped" by his wife who had not given much explanation why. We were two people who needed and wanted communication in our lives with our spouses but had been denied that. GF used to tell me back then that I had been sent to him. I used to think that he had been sent to me.

At the end of my marriage, I had fallen in love with GF and wanted to marry him. I was frightened of being on my own again and unmarried. Even during the divorce process knowing I was still married gave me some kind of comfort. But GF told me that it was too close to his divorce and he needed time to heal. When I made an effort to start communicating with Husband #2 after the divorce was finalized, I told GF although I do not think he thought it was a good idea or would lead anywhere. I know that he felt it would probably end up hurting me.

As the months went by and I faced the sale of my house, GF's ex-wife remarried, he lost his job and his ex moved out of state with his beloved son. Both of us were dealing with huge losses. I didn't have a lot of energy to expend on his issues - I had too much to handle on my own. We had some rough patches but always ended up getting through them with humor, commitment and lots of communication. I considered breaking things off with him when he didn't want to get married but found that I really missed him when he wasn't part of my life.

I saw the lovely home GF resided in with his ex-wife and son. His ex sold the home for a terrible loss before she moved out of state. I also saw the home GF lived in when he was first married which was closer to the city. GF bought his first place, a condo when he was only 25. He has perfect credit and is financially astute. We are both starting over at this point. As are I suppose many others across the nation. But GF has told me that he wants to be part of a family again, he believes we will be better off for being together and that he loves me. Is he perfect? No. Am I perfect? Certainly not. But he has accepted and loved me at my absolute worst. And he has not rejected me as did Husband #2. Rather he has embraced me and held open his arms. The boys get along with him and like him, even respect him. His son likes me.

GF is kind, optimistic, loyal, tolerant, flexible, enjoys the finer things in life, has a sense of humor, is honest and intelligent. I recently told him that at times he may be a bit too honest and maybe doesn't have to tell it like it is All the time. He has admitted when he has been wrong and says he is sorry. He is a devoted Bears, Cubs and Blackhawks fan. I like his strength and his manly scent. He is there when the going gets rough. He is a very physical guy and likes to show affection, hug, kiss and hold hands. He thanks me when I do so to him. He laughs and shares interesting news tibits that he has heard. He can be vulnerable and admits to it. He is well-balanced, doesn't have anger issues, and has done what he says he would do and doesn't cover up what he can't do. His personality is fun-loving and playful but he is serious when he needs to be.

I think he is overall a pretty decent and all-round nice guy. He knows what commitment is - he has faced adversity - I have seen him react to challenges and he has stood tall - he doesn't have any sexual deviances and he has told me that sex is only one part of a relationship, there are other facets of a relationship that are equally important - he is an extremely devoted father - he does his best to get along with his ex-wife and her new husband - he is attractive - he doesn't like to fight and wants to resolve conflict - he doesn't hang up on me when upset (as did Husband #2) - he communicates well - he is a hard worker - he is neat and tidy in how he lives and dresses.

I have always enjoyed being with him and have loved the comfort he provides me by being in my life. I love men and have so missed having one of my own. He has helped me feel safe and secure. I like the company of men and living with one.

GF's wife just lost her job yesterday. I am still not clear why she ever left GF because he has always been such a great guy to me. I know that she spent more money than he wanted and that was a source of conflict but that would not be an issue in our life together because I have learned to live on little and to appreciate all that money doesn't buy. I have never understood why she did not make any kind of effort to work on their marriage, especially since a child was involved. Sometimes I have thought that both she and Husband #2 were selfish, and acted out of their own desires without much regard for the others in their life who they would end up hurting. I have not had much respect for either of our ex-spouses. On the other hand, GF has been a respectful person to others and I think that I have always tried to think of others before myself.

GF's ex just bought a big mini-mansion type home and moved to a new community. She wasn't satisfied with the life she had here in Illinois. Now that she has lost her high-paying banking VP job will she be able to get another and afford their new home? I see her divorce from GF as such a waste. Will it have been all worth it in the end? The disruption of so many lives? GF told me in the early days that Husband #2's loss was his gain. I suppose I could say the same about GF's ex. We are two people who were very wounded but wound up together despite the odds.

When GF and I went to look for homes in the new town, he dropped me off at the local Panera while he went in to meet with his new boss and co-workers (his new job was right down the street). I sat in front of the gas fireplace where I would wait for him until his meeting was over. I watched GF as he walked out of the restaurant and thought about him being such a good man and a good guy. I heard myself say inside, "If you let him go, he won't last long. Some other woman will see his goodness and snatch him right up." And I thought at that moment that I didn't want to let him go. Why should I let someone else have this decent, honorable guy when he can be mine? I don't think it is easy to find good guys out there or maybe I believe that there aren't that many out there. Or you can find a good guy but it ends up all wrong as it did with Husband #2. There are so many variables to relationships. This one between GF and I seems to click.

Maybe it is finally time for me to say goodbye to some of all this past that has been haunting me for so long and to look ahead more to the future with GF. To think about what we will all gain instead of what will be lost. Maybe GF's optimism and zest for life can rub off on me and the boys. Maybe being in GF's strong embrace is where I now need to be.

No One Said It Would Be Easy

The boys are giving us a rough time about the move. Last night the oldest threatened to take the van and drive back home. Both are saying they will find friends to stay with so they can continue to attend their old school. The youngest refused to go to school today claiming he has a migraine. I called the school and asked to make an appointment with their counselor.

According to the boys, no one has talked with them and they ate alone at lunch. They each have three study halls because the elective classes they were taking aren't offered here. The youngest claims he is behind because the classes here are ahead of where he was back home. He refused my help with his French worksheet.

I am torn between being sympathetic and giving them a kick in the pants and telling them to cope and deal with it. Maybe in a way I am doing both at the same time. GF is upset with me because he wants more appreciation/credit for helping us (especially me being in my current financial state). He told me he did not think there would be anyone else willing to take on our family.

I just continue to feel tired and drained and want to escape into bed with the covers up over my head. I am exhausted from all these years of only parenting. I know GF needs to feel appreciated but so do I just for having survived the past year! No one is patting me on the back for my sacrifices or enduring hardship.

I don't want the boys to live away from me. I like the feel of the four of us living here in this house. It feels like a family again - what we haven't experienced in seven years. The boys don't know what it feels like to live in a home with a strong male/father presence. But I do. And I want that back.

Tired Inside and Out

I am so tired - exhausted is probably the more apt word. This condensed CNA training has taken its toll - I'm not as young and energetic as I once was. I'm slowing down and it is harder for me to bounce back. Grief takes it out on us physically. After class today my oldest and I worked at the storage shed. I am hoping to finish the consolidatation of two sheds into one tomorrow - FINALLY. I felt a lot of sadness while working. I need to grieve the loss of my home and living there for 19 years. I haven't really done that yet and I'm not sure how you go about grieving a house. There is the actual physical exhaustion of moving boxes, sorting and stacking. But another part of the exhaustion is the pain that comes from having had to move my belongings into storage sheds - all that has been lost. Yes, material losses but a home that represented what my life was for so long.

Am I becoming an old hand at this grief thing? I am so much more aware of the process this time around. Really seeing and knowing that the current pain is resulting in my tiredness, listlessness and wanting to just go to bed, pull up the covers and sleep.

Grief brings on tiredness inside and out. Physical and emotional depletion. Crying leading to external exhaustion. The effort of keeping it together so that internally there seems nothing left to keep me standing. That loop that keeps running over and over in my head of memories and what ifs and regrets. The more it plays, the wearier I am. I work, study, move boxes and am tired. I think and I am tired. I grieve and the tiredness consumes my being - inside and out.

Fresh Air and Exercise

I am taking a break after six hours of physical labor at the storage shed. I am beat! I am almost finished moving the contents of one garage-sized space into the other. I should go back again tonight but it is dark and I am tired. It was good to be out in the fresh air exercising. Note: I should probably be doing more of it because of the mood lifting effect. But it was also a bit depressing. Just to see the entire contents of your home/life condensed within a storage/garage space. What would really be ideal would be to have the time to dig and go through everything, donate and toss as much as possible and hopefully move into a smaller space. A plan of action for the new year ahead.

When I got in with a $5.99 pizza for dinner, the boys immediately pounced on me because throughout the day the teachers at the new school had been texting them - they each got five text messages on their phones with the teachers welcoming them to their classes and saying how much they looked forward to meeting them. I sent the enrollment paperwork in mid-week because it was needed for the counselor to make up class schedules. If we end up not going, no harm done but because both schools are off the entire week of Thanksgiving I had to send it in when I did.

I'm pretty darn impressed with the reception being given to the boys. As much as I love the current high school they are at, I don't believe the teachers there would be sending text messages of welcome to new students. And our personal tour of the school was amazing! They really went out of their way to be nice to the boys. I was impressed because the school really did feel like a close knit community - I felt it while I was there. There could be worse places for the boys to be going.

I told the boys I would like to move and that money is so tight I'm worried about being able to feed them next month. My youngest told me he would go and eat at houses of his friends. My oldest said he would be willing to move after this school year. I had to tell him that I don't have the money to pay for his club volley ball payment of $450.00 due at the end of the month. Then I heard about my oldest's girlfriend and how he doesn't want to leave her. I promised to bring him back as many weekends as possible since I'll still have the storage sheds to contend with. I asked the boys to consider "trying out" the new school and going on the 30th and seeing how it is.

I am so grateful that Jude Miller commented and said the move will most likely be positive for the boys, they just don't have the ability to see it. She also mentioned that teens are usually selfish and self-serving. They are not able to see the entire picture for what it really is - that is why I still have the ability to make the final decision in all of this.

The youngest continues to be very sullen, surly and rude. He accused me of lying to him and not looking out/caring for him. I just said that my total focus has been on the boys since their Dad's death. Finally, my oldest told his brother to shut up because he was being so obnoxious. Both have now gone out for the night with the youngest telling me that it was stupid for the new track coach to text him because he will refuse to do anything at the new school if we move...

Now I am going to sit down with a book and some Cherry Almond Fudge ice cream. I picked up a carton ($2.50 on sale) for the boys. Then I added another. But I went back and got a third choosing this flavor for me. I never get cherry flavored anything because my oldest doesn't care for it. But now I am glad for this small splurge - the boys can have their Oreo and Rocky Road.

I will sleep well tonight - the whole night through without waking up. We all need to rest and sleep enough. It is essential for thinking clearly, focusing and having the strength to face whatever tomorrow brings.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me

I was on the phone on hold and heard the Linda Ronstadt version of this song. I really liked the chorus: "Poor, poor, pitiful me, Poor. poor, pitiful me, Lord have mercy on me, Woe is me, Woe is me." Pretty appropriate for my life right now. I was on the line trying to find someone to work for me next Mon. which is the review for my Certified Nursing Assistant program final exam. I really can't miss that but am scheduled to work 9-3. So I have to find someone to work this shift. I'm still waiting to see if someone can pick it up for me out of the people working tonight.

This week I am working every day I'm not at class or at clinical. My job is tiring because I am on my feet all day. Somehow I need to squeeze in studying and caring for the boys. This Sat. I didn't get to sleep until 1:30 a.m. because I'd worked until 11 and didn't get home until almost midnight. I only got 3 hours of sleep because I had to get up at 4:30 to work my clinical hours which started at 6:45.

On top of all this I am trying to figure out how I can move the boys and I, 200 miles out of state by Nov. 30th without any physical or financial help from GF. So this afternoon after work spent some time on the phone getting moving estimates. It is not looking good. Estimates are coming in at $2,000.00, which I cannot afford. On the phone with GF today, I asked him what does he expect me to do here? We both have no money, although he still has a house that will be rented out hopefully in Dec. - although the rental income will need to go toward the mortgage. He just started a new job and hasn't even received his first paycheck. He does not want to cash in his 401K until Jan. to avoid the $3,000.00 penalty. GF's work days off are Tue. and Thur. and next Thur. is Thanksgiving.

Okay I understand all that. But again, really what am I supposed to do here? If you want me to move with the boys I have to have some help. It is so hard to keep figuring all of this out on my own. I am struggling to study, work and parent on my own. I am tired, functioning on little sleep and have to waste my time trying to get someone to work my hours at a job that has pretty much been more trouble than it has been worth.

I am trying to brainstorm - should I just put all the furniture and my belongings in another storage shed and get them moved when finances improve? Should GF rent a truck and the two of us with the boys try to move on our own as I did with him two weekends ago? Do I tell him that he has to help me, I just can't handle/figure this out on my own? Can I demand that of someone? Is it too much to ask?

On the phone he told me that he doesn't know what to do either but together we will work it out. That sounded pretty good to me but it still doesn't solve the logistics of this situation. He added that once I've moved things will improve financially but if I stay, I face eviction if I can't make my rent which is pretty scary for me. At least we'll have a roof over our heads if we move.

But we just can't fly there like fairies and I don't think it is fair for me to just up and depart, leaving an apartment full of our personal belongings. So we need a plan and help and support.
Poor, poor, pitiful me. Lord have mercy on me. Woe is me.

Today I am taking a break from my grateful list to study.

It's Okay to be Sad

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day at the storage sheds, moving items from one into the one I just cleaned and organized. By day's end, I was utterly physically exhausted and also depressed. It was long, tedious work and during the process, I just kept seeing all my pretty things in such a cramped and ugly setting. Pretty things aren't so pretty anymore when they're stacked up in a concrete, cold, garage. I thought a lot about moving from our home and that brought on feelings of sadness.

The day's work was in such contrast to the actual day. Very breezy but warmer and sunnier than what we have had. I certainly did not want to be breaking my back on such a rare late autumn day - but first things first. You have to do what needs to get done. Afterward, there was grocery shopping, monitoring the boys as they went out and doing laundry. I felt out of it and so tired I could barely stand.

This morning my low feelings continue. I have to work the afternoon until 8:00 p.m., which I am not looking forward to because I still cannot wear a closed shoe comfortably on my right foot. But really, I just don't want to go. I want to play hooky and have a few hours to myself to think, reflect and contemplate a move and marriage. And to have time to not think, reflect and contemplate all that.

I woke up before 6:00 to get my son off to his club volleyball tournament and then did the homework for my clinical tomorrow. Laundry is being done and I'll make chili for the boys to have for dinner. As I do all this I've been fighting my sadness but then thought why shouldn't I be sad right now? Working on the storage sheds probably triggered it but there are other reasons to be sad too - lack of free time, being tired, juggling only parenting with a job and school, worrying about finances and figuring out what is best for all of us in regard to moving. And there is still that remaining undercurrent about my husband's death and the divorce. Today I just told myself that it is okay to feel sad - even with it being another nice late autumn day (a rarity).

Today I am grateful for:

1. The fine fall day.
2. That I found my son's extra pair of volleyball shorts in the dryer from last night where they'd been left (good thing I did another load of laundry in the morning).
3. Having a storage shed to put my belongings in that don't fit into the apartment.
4. That I have extra belongings to put into a storage shed.
5. That I can walk despite having had a box fall on my foot.