Hope Wherever I Can Find It

It was a very emotional Dancing With The Stars week. Each contestant devoted their dance to a meaningful year in their life. Ricki Lake related that she had lost her home to a fire and had reached a point in her life where she felt she would never remarry again. But she said, "Never say never." Because it was during this period of hardship that she did find love again! She told the audience that she was sharing this to give others hope, so they will not give up. All in all, it was a very touching segment and I felt stronger and inspired by Ricki's story.

Had to go to the dreaded local Walmart to pickup a prescription for my son. As usual, the line in the pharmacy is a 45-minute wait. I picked up an all you magazine at the counter and had finished it by the time I finally got my turn. I decided to purchase it because of a couple good recipes in the issue that I'd like to try. And there were some cute Fall crafts. Most importantly, there was a story about a divorced mom of three, around my age, who ended up moving to a small town and downsizing to a 1,300 square foot home - exactly the house size I am aiming for! I liked what what the woman had to say about downsizing and frugal living and again reading the story inspired me and gave me strength.

I will get through the next school year while my son finishes his senior high school year. I will move to a small town community and will be living there next year at this time! I will go back to school to get back into a social services career. And love will be a part of my future!

BOO!

Caught these costumed mice in my grocery store's floral dept. the other day and noted that Halloween is still over three months away! I love seeing how early I'll spot holiday items months before the actual date. But anyway, my youngest son mentioned that I haven't been blogging much and that is true of late. It is a strange and disorientating summer. I suppose a lot has to do with my oldest going off to college. They talked about family transitions at the college orientation and maybe for us/me it is even more of one.

I know that in the weeks leading up to my son's graduation I was journeying into a funky mood. It has not abated. The best I can do to describe it is to explain that for many, many years now my entire focus and energy has been on getting my sons out of high school successfully, and from this specific high school at that. Now that that day has come for my oldest with the youngest to follow next year, it is as though I have abruptly lost that focus. I feel at loose ends, without direction and unsure of my immediate future.

I do know that I cannot remain living in this area on my own. I don't make enough to live comfortably and just keeping our heads above water has become too wearing on my being and soul. The traffic and large population of our area is also getting to me. I long for a rural place, more quiet and slower paced. I have no idea what career direction I'll take. I want to work for 20 more years but have not done well figuring out how I can harness an out-dated master's degree in psychology into a position that will be personally rewarding to me and helpful to the world and others. I guess I can try and focus on that after my oldest goes off to college and I have more free time.

There is this huge part of me that just wants me to be gone from this place, right now, immediately! But I have promised to be here for my youngest, who already feels slighted by the successes of his older brother. I owe him that and I will honor that commitment. How can one year seem so endless in duration?

Part of me is just so darned tired too. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. The past eight years of only parenting have been very stressful and have taken a toll. I am lacking in spirit and energy. The excessive heat and endless storms we keep having here doesn't help.

People in the past have told me that I've been so strong. That is not true. I just did the best I could under sometimes pretty tough circumstances. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. That is still happening now but I must say it is more of a rote/automatic process and I seem to have lost something. I had a goal I was working very hard toward (getting my sons through school) and now that I have almost fully accomplished that I am left hanging... Living alone, without a partner adds to the mix. There is no one here to divert my thoughts or to refocus on.

I have come to know that transitions are hard on us all. But maybe for widows they're a little harder to face and move through.

Simplicity

Continue to struggle big time with all of the unbalance in my life. Maybe it stems from being the start of Spring and our desire to clean up house, new beginnings and fresh starts.

Widows carry a lot of stuff on their shoulders. I think about the fact that I have a senior in high school with another senior next year. That's a lot right there not to mention dealing with the finances, upkeep of home, meals, shopping, laundry, etc. I manage the lives of two adolescent males. I still have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and then take the steps to get there. There is a career change in the works. I am still unsettled from the move from house to apartment and the grief/sadness/loss from the death of husband #1 and divorce from husband #2 sometimes reappear.

Perhaps when we are at our most busy and overwhelmed with so many life changes we need to scale back and keep life as simple as possible. I was reminded of this with my daily email from author Lissa Coffey through CoffeyTalk.com. The other day she spoke about the book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I read the book years ago.

Basically, the book sets out four principles to help us lead better lives through The Four Agreements which are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

I went to my bookshelves and after a bit of a search (the books are still somewhat disorganized from the move), located this little volume. It seems a good book to take out and reread right now.

Funny, in her weekly email from the knit club leader, she also wrote about feeling highly unbalanced as of late. I sent her an email copying in Lissa Coffey's message and suspecting she had already read The Fourth Agreement, which she had. She emailed back that now there is a book about The Fifth Agreement, which she just bought, and I am curious about checking that out after I reread about the four agreements again.

As I struggle with major life changes wrecking havoc on my soul, the knit club leader related her current struggles with angst. She is struggling with what books to read next and about taking her next classes in The Library Assistant Program. Her two kids are out of college and grown. She has a hubby. Hmmmmm... I need to put a lid on my hmmmm and remember to not make any assumptions!

Puzzle Pieces

The week before last served as a kind of catharsis for me. I knew there was stuff going on at the time, but now with a week between and a chance to look back, I can really see the significance.

The week started with that crazy toe injury suffered by my oldest, that required a 2:00 a.m. ER visit. That made me reflect on health and deal with the tiring "only parenting" issue. The importance of my own health which has been an issue of late is all tied up with that too.

After that incident, I went out later in the week to apply for four jobs in my field of social services within nursing home settings. This was a major accomplishment for me because I think I am still suffering from lowered self-esteem due to my divorce and loss of home. Anyway, despite not being able to find my good dress shoes, I put on my interviewing outfit (nice pants and classy jacket) and hit the pavement. And I dealt with the shoes I found hoping no one would really notice my feet. This all relates around work, employment, financial security and redefining my purpose in the world.

One of the days I was out on the job hunt, the HR office was closed for lunch and I hit a local yarn store near the area to kill an hour. This is a store I used to frequent on almost a weekly basis and I became quite friendly with the owner. But I haven't gone in for about a year due to the house sale, lack of funds, and so on. The owner implored me to stop by again soon for more chatting whether or not I want to purchase some yarn. So this event relates to the area of friendship and personal interests.

Now what gets interesting is that while I was in the shop, two nice middle-aged women came in and we all got to talking. Turns out, the women belong to a group of 20 who meet at a local knitting club the town over. They invited me to join them. I was reminded of my need to build up new friendships and what better way for me to do this while engaging in my number one hobby! The women had some commonalities with me - there are two widows in the group, although they are older. There are other women also in transition with kids finishing college - so maybe not a bad group to check out. They meet at a Panera type bakery place that I know well and love, with a fireplace and chocolate croissants.

Then, another interesting aspect to all of this. In talking with these two fellow knitters, one of them mentioned that she has gone back to school to take the year-long Library Assistant Program which is something I have considered doing and want to do myself. It seemed like a sign to hear about this and the woman would be a contact to have in the program if I decide to start with a class at the local junior college this winter. So I took this as a coincidence or sign or whatever you want to call it, reminding me to hold fast to my dreams about what I want to accomplish in the future and to work at a job because I enjoy it and it brings me contentment and satisfaction.

Well, the week ended with my trip to ALDI where I overheard a middle-aged guy talking into his cell with his other half about the grocery list. And he signed off with "I love you." I stood there in the aisle and thought to myself, I am 51 years young and I want to be able to say those words to a partner again. That is important to me. I'm not going to give up on that dream either. There needs to be romantic love in my life again.

So the whole week kind of morphed into all these individual puzzle pieces that when put together assemble what is most dear to me. Like a representation of my current life and what it needs to become - all that reinvention and transformation energy that needs to be undertaken for me to move on.

As I've mentioned before, a life change seems so insurmountable because there are so many components involved:

1. Continuing to parent as an only parent.
2. Being more conscious of the importance of good health for both the boys and I.
3. Developing a new network of friends.
4. Pursing my own interests and hobbies.
5. Getting and working at a decent job now.
6. Building up some financial security.
7. Increasing my self-esteem, self-worth.
8. Taking the steps to enter the Library Assisting Program so I can begin an enjoyable second career in the future.
9. Increasing the love in my life.
1o. Learning to live a full, content and happy life on my own even without a partner right now.

I know when I think of these puzzle pieces in my head they seem overwhelming to accomplish but when I set them down as I did above, they don't seem that unreachable. Just like a jigsaw puzzle. You do a few pieces at a time. Sometimes you get a lot filled in, sometimes you don't. But you keep working to complete the entire puzzle.

I think this is why I felt the resentment I did over the summer, as I interacted with all the married moms at the baseball games. Those moms don't have to reinvent their lives right now - find love again, restart careers, make new friends, parent on their lonesome, figure out how to get a new handle on their lives. This rebuilding of a life takes such a lot of energy and strength and work. I'd much rather not be doing any of this. I had a good life before. And now I'm left to put together a really hard 1,000 piece puzzle by myself when I'm tired and sad and lonely. The choice is throwing the box into the garbage or opening it and dumping out the pieces to start the puzzle. I'm going to open the box as much as I wish I didn't have to.