Spring is Sprung

Today I had to go to the doctor so I could get a refill on my blood pressure medication. The office would not refill my prescription without a visit. I was not happy about the $20.00 co-pay. Gosh, finances are so tight that a mere 20 bucks having to be spent is cause alone for my blood pressure to rise!

I noticed these blooming flowers driving into the medical complex parking lot and vowed to snap a photo on my way out. Here the past two weeks we have been having a strange heat wave. Today it hit 87 degrees and everything is blooming a good month or two ahead of schedule. None of us have ever seen such an early spring. In fact, up until this year, there has never even been a day hitting 70 in March and we have now had a week of them.

It was good I had to see the doctor because my blood pressure continues to be high and cause for concern. So I got a new prescription. Considering that high blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks run in my family this is probably a prudent measure. The doctor does not believe my exercising more or trying to lose weight will have much of an impact but I am vowing to try to improve more in these areas. Even though my sons are older, I still need to be around for them as long as I can. I need to make more of an effort taking care of myself and being healthy mentally and emotionally. The doctor does believe that stress is a factor along with my genetics.

I wonder if I weren't widowed would I not be dealing with this issue? I know for sure that I wouldn't be experiencing this level of stress in my life, nor would I have had the amount of stress I've experienced since my husband's death. Higher stress and widowhood might be correlated for some of us.

Anyway, despite the gloomy prognosis, I tried to see a bit of beauty in the day and to pay attention to it. For me, these pretty red blooms did the trick.

Sick of Strength

I've heard variations of the "Strength" platitude over and over - "You've got to stay strong," or "You're so strong." These are always from individuals who have someone to lean on. Easy to say this stuff when you can crash every once in awhile and let someone else carry the load.

I'm not strong. Just because I've handled a lot of hardship doesn't make me stronger than others. I've just had to deal with a larger share of problems. Believe me, if I could, I would not be handling all this. I do it because I have to and I do it alone because I don't have a choice.

There is this stupid belief out there that strength builds character and we become better for having survived hardship. I don't believe this anymore. In fact, I don't believe any of those platitudes we've been raised on anymore. As time goes on, or at least now, I find the constant strength in having to rise to every occasion solo, is just draining me and leaving me more bitter. Forget about becoming wiser and stronger. Here is a quote by the businessman J.C. Penney that illustrates this:

"I am grateful for all of my problems.
After each one was overcome,
I became stronger and more able to meet those that were still to come.
I grew in all my difficulties."

Well, I've reached the point where I'm not feeling very grateful for my problems. And I've reached the point where I don't want to meet anymore. I don't like this life and I don't want to be living it as it is panning out anymore. I read all these inspirational quotes where I should greet each day, even the hard ones, with joy in my heart and gratefulness for being here and all of that. But if I were to say that I thought that, I'd be lying.

Feeling very, very weary and drained. Got through the debacle with the van being towed and its flat tire and all only to face a week later, another flat tire. Then some tickets for failure to not have a city vehicle sticker (which I didn't know we needed). And so it goes... More to face and handle. More energy that gets chipped away from my heart and soul.

My son received acceptances into two of the five colleges he applied at. Receiving those letters with the "Congratulations on your acceptance..." took a little bit of the sting away from the bad news that happened.

I'm tired of being strong. It is okay to be weak. In a marriage or partnership or close family there are opportunities to sometimes let others carry the load. I think I've reached my limit. I feel my back finally breaking.

I'll get up tomorrow and do the stuff of living I have to do. But it is like going through the motions. It is easy to be positive and motivated when things are going well. Seems impossible now to feel joy when there is so much discouragement and my spirit is sagging. My strength is tapped out.

As I write these feelings out, I realize that along with the stupid platitudes, there comes the guilt for not being able to be strong. Because when people tell you to keep on being strong, it is expected that you'll keep your chin up and do just that. Where are the platitudes for failing gracefully or not being able to keep up? Platitudes aren't realistic. What is real, is the realization that people will sometimes fail and fall. I want a platitude that gives me permission to feel the honest feelings I'm having about discouragement, exhaustion, bitterness and weakness. I need a platitude that gives me some direction on what to do when too much strength has actually ended up making me weak.

What Next?

We live in a society where apparently wire tomato cages are no longer acceptable and colored ones need to be in our gardens. Are you kidding me? In today's economy they're producing products like this? We seem to be more concerned with "stuff" and less concerned with helping people, particularly woman, lead less stressed-out lives.

Here is my crazy story for the day. These past few weeks leading up to high school graduation have been a crazed, somewhat overwhelming stream of days and nights, one after the other, with no break for a breather. I was pretty tired today and after work lay down for a brief rest. I awakened at 6:00 with my youngest son in the shower. I figured it was Friday morning and that I had slept through the night although it didn't really seem I had.

My son asked for money, which I assumed was for lunch out. He said he and his friends were going to Taco Bell and I figured with the finals schedule, most kids have free periods or leave early and get lunch out. I noticed with some alarm that my oldest wasn't home - I asked my youngest where he was and was told he had slept over at a friend's. My youngest appeared to be leaving for school so I gave him some Fiber One Bars to take for breakfast. He took them without any word. As soon as he left, I called my oldest to be sure he would be at school for the graduation ceremony practice. He laughingly told me it was Thursday. It wasn't Thur. I informed him but Friday! We bantered back and forth a bit. No one mentioned that it was Thur. p.m. so I kept assuming it was still Thur. a.m.

I started to question my sanity. Where and how had I goofed up my week like this? I still believed it was Fri. a.m. and actually made a cup of tea and ate a granola bar for breakfast. I was about ready to jump in the shower to get ready for work when I made some more calls and finally figured out that I had only been asleep two hours instead of the entire night.

I was pretty relieved at this because what upset me the most about this entire mix-up was the fact that I thought I had to work two more days instead of only one.

What a strange and somewhat disconcerting experience. To be so busy and tired that you lose track of time and the days. And this has not been the first time something like this has happened. I lost an entire week back in January!

You'd think that with all our technology and advances in science and manufacturing that some attention could be directed toward reducing the stress and strain existing in our lives. I guess what I'm feeling is that instead of even MORE choices at the stores such as these tomato cages (which ARE cute, I agree but entirely unnecessary) that we need to reduce our choices. Anyway, that is just my opinion. That of an over-stressed, over-worked, over-tired mom trying to keep it together as we enter the final week before graduation.

I must say everyone is getting a good laugh out of this. Sam mentioned that I have seemed VERY tired the past few days and my oldest son commented that I was really out of it. The fact that I ate a granola bar with tea thinking it was the a.m. when it was the p.m. is very amusing to me. Might I recommend Nature Valley Crunchy "Oats 'n Dark Chocolate" - very tasty!

Pills

Depression and OCD run in my family. So does high blood pressure and strokes. So when life got too stressful with my worry over feeding and clothing my family, I sought medical advice - early Fall. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety med, one for depression and then two for high blood pressure. I did it for my sons. I need to be around for them through college. Having to deal with a mother disabled because of a stroke is not in the cards.

I know there are some people out there who seem to think I'm taking an easy way out. But I want to educate those not in the know that it isn't the case. Taking an anti-depressant doesn't make me automatically happy or high. I still feel my emotions, the sadness, worry and pain. I just have the ability to not hyperventilate and cry hysterically. The medication helps keep my emotions in check but it doesn't magically make everything better. These drugs aren't taken for recreation. They are being taken to keep my heart pumping normally and to help me get through my days on a more even keel.

I was doing pretty well on my own before my divorce and having to sell my home. Those two events seemed to do me in - the grief I felt was overwhelming and actually included internal physical pain. It's funny to live in a society that has medications to really assist people in need with their emotional issues. Yet at the same time there continues to be stigma toward the people taking medications - as though something is wrong with us because we can't handle life on our own.

For me, the benefits of trying to take care of and manage my emotional health are worth any of the stigma that is directed my way. I have an obligation to be there for my sons, in as healthy a way as possible. I don't feel I have a choice at this point.

Hope

A Hectic, Hard, Hurry-Up kind of week. But it seems like I write about those subjects all the time so I decided to go with a different H word for the Blogging A-Z challenge - Hope.

There was a lot going on with volleyball throughout the week, then a huge show choir performance last night. One of the vb games was at the school my late husband taught at. So I asked my youngest son to go with me as a tribute to him, not just to see his older brother play. A. didn't really want to go but felt I would freak out if he didn't. He warned me not to do anything weird while at the game. We walked past Daddy's classroom and looked in the window, watched the game and I said a quick prayer to my husband hoping he was watching his oldest boy from above proudly even though they lost both games. It was emotional for me because my husband and I took the kids to a number of volleyball games there since he often went to school activities to support his students - and it was always cheap entertainment for us. Never did we suspect that one day our oldest would be captain of his volleyball team. At 6' he is one of the shortest members.

After the game it was late and we had to drive 30 minutes back home and get dinner going. I had hoped for a more meaningful experience but as always, life just scuttles on.

I was involved in making raffle baskets for the fund raiser for the show choir. This was a week where one night I fell asleep in my clothes, with all the lights on, having not brushed my teeth or washed my face. I Hate those nights.

Today my oldest was off to a vb tournament, which I did not attend because of the distance away. My youngest was working at the track meet at school but not running because his foot hurts. I thought I finally had some time to myself to clean our Home. That is all I wanted to do. Straighten up and establish some order to our living space since it looks pretty trashed from the past week. I had gone out to buy drain cleaner and was out doing other errands - no milk or tea in the house, when my youngest called for a ride home. I was in the car Heading Home and just turned around to the school. "Hurry up," he demanded. But when I got to the school he was no where to be seen. Typical. Then my son was famished from working outside a couple hours and we got him a Polish sausage meal with drink and fries from a cheap local mom & pop place - the meal was just $3.50.

Although all I wanted to do was go home and unclog one of the bathroom drains, my son begged me to take him to the mall so he could purchase a Build-A-Bear animal for his girlfriend. He will give it to her in some scheme asking her to Prom. I despise the mall. When we got there I couldn't find the Build-A-Bear and we walked the entire mall looking to see if it had moved. I saw the name of a store that sounded like it had potential - Furry Friends or something like that which turned out to be an actual pet store. Finally I asked a mall security guard and was told Build-A-Bear is no longer there. So that was a wasted excursion.

Which leaves me to the point of this post. A pretty draining week all in all. But when I finally got home I cleaned off the dining room table and put out a green pitcher I got from Goodwill for a dollar and filled it with some sprigs of spring flowers I picked up on sale at JoAnn's. Despite the Hardships and Hassles, I have to try and see the Hope out there. It was a tough week, but they all seem to be tough and tiring and no doubt will for another year or so. I really have to make a point of focusing on Hope rather than the difficulties.

This week my oldest played more volleyball than I can keep track of - he performed in a wonderful show choir event - and we had an opportunity to be at my Husband's school because my oldest was playing there. I got milk at the grocery store but forgot the tea. But I did manage to clean off the dining room table and it looks nice with the flowers on it. And that is Hope. And tomorrow I'll do more cleaning after I run out for a box of tea.

Same Old, Same Old

I need help. I'm admitting it. There is too much stress in my life that has accumulated and gone on for too long. I can't do this alone anymore. I definitely need medication. My blood pressure is dangerously high. I know it has been high for a number of years now but I've resisted medication thinking I can control it because I eat such a low-fat diet, don't drink, exercise, etc. At this point, the doctor told me it has nothing to do with a healthy weight or exercise. My blood pressure is too high and I need to take action.

I wonder how much of the stress the past years have brought play into this. High blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks run on both sides of my family and it is how we end up dead. I still feel like a failure to some extent. That I'm unable to control this aspect of my health since I've tried for so long to keep it together emotionally. But as I started this post, I am finally at a point where I'm waving the white flag and crying out "Help me!" Since I don't have much of a support network in place, that ends up increasing the stress I try and manage on my own. It turns out to be an endless circle of frustration. The past few weeks many times during the day I can feel my heart racing inside my chest. When I have my blood pressure taken, I can feel and hear that racing.

I am going to become one of those people stopping at the blood pressure meter every time I go into the grocery store by the pharmacy counter!

Well, I have to take care of myself physically and if I need blood pressure medication so be it. I hope this is not a permanent thing. But the alternative is having a stroke which isn't an option here. I've helped the men and women stroke victims in the nursing home, some quite young. I can't do that to the boys. Or myself.

I came across another article on managing stress and decided to go through it and highlight the suggestions. They are always the same and we all know them. In fact, I'm sure I've posted about them a time or two previously. But they bear repeating.

1. Acknowledge the pain, stress, grief or loss. Feel the anger and sadness. It is okay to feel some self pity. But you can't let these feelings overpower you.

2. The painful feelings have to eventually give way to those of hope. To manage stress and crisis we need to be centered and calm and that won't be possible when in defeat and despair. So we need to harness abundance, gratitude, positivity and peace of mind as best we can. We can look to the future as holding opportunity, being an adventure and a new beginning instead of being fearful of what lies ahead.

3. We must take care of ourselves physically and emotionally. Eating well and exercising are essential.

4. Relying and connecting with others is also necessary.

5. Developing a strategy and plan for moving forward can help us focus on the learning opportunities available to us and allow us to grow.

6. It is a perfect time to become distracted with and explore a new project or goal. Sometimes it is far better to focus on an activity or learning something new than dwelling on our troubles.

7. Live one day at a time.

8. Maintaining a sense of order brings us a measure of control. Letting ourselves and our environments fall apart does not result in feeling calm or comfort us - more like tormenting and mocking us.

9. Come up with positives for the situation or in lieu of that, positives that can result in the future that may not have been considered before.

10. Maintaining the daily routine as much as possible is helpful. I know that my husband did this through all the years of his illness and I could not believe how he managed to do it. It was an amazing demonstration of strength and courage.

I look over this list and it is made up of the same old suggestions and ideas I've come across over and over. Does that mean they work or is it because no one else has come up with any better? I also know that this advice is common sense and easier said than done.

Yesterday, after my hopeful and inspiring post on optimism I ran into some snags during the day and felt let down and defeated. Some of that hope I'd harnessed before went by the wayside. I forced myself to take another nature walk and the best I could come up with as a coping mechanism was to keep my thoughts neutral rather than go off the deep end into the gloom and doom.

Sometimes, it seems as if this advice is so simplistic. We tend to look at life's problems as being singular - someone is coping with grief because of the death of a spouse; someone lost their job or home; another person is dealing with divorce or illness. I take a more complicated view of stress because I think where there is one problem, so lies another. And I think in addition to viewing problems singly, which makes them easier to solve, is that we don't put enough attention on the long-term effects of stress. We tend to view solving problems quickly and efficiently (usually within a year time frame). But I think the recession has shown us that problems and life complications can exist greater than a year and be harder to overcome.

So I find that there is a gap in acknowledging, understanding and coping with the long-term effects of stress. And what about set backs? Or having to manage the difficulty of climbing out of a very deep hole? All that one step forward, two step back progression.

Food for thought. In the meantime, we plow on as best we can. I look at the strategies I've set out and try to come up with some project that may help me focus less on all this loss and find more hope in the future. I try to exercise when I feel the walls of despair closing in on me. I do my best to change my mindset when I am aware of my negative thinking. More of the same old, same old with varying degrees of success depending on the day.

Grief Combined With Life Stress

I had a light bulb moment, which has resulted in giving me a great deal of peace of mind. It was prompted by my reading an editorial about Sandra Bullock's current situation. The author, praised Sandra's strength and resolve and added that most other people would have collapsed under the pressure. Collapsed under the pressure? What does that mean? I wish I could collapse, tune out, take a break from all of this. Remember when it was fashionable to have a nervous breakdown? Does anyone know how you go about having one because I'd like to have a rest at a sanitarium. Do those places even exist anymore? Now I'm kind of kidding here and kind of not. I have through the years thought about this. If indeed, it all becomes too much to bear what do people do who can't cope anymore? I'm not sure if I walked into the hospital and said, "I can't take it anymore" that it would amount to anything. Other than trying to kill myself, I don't know of any real way to collapse. I mean, really what would come down if I just refused to get up in the morning and started to stay in bed all day? The boys could probably manage to get by on their own and there would be a small amount of money with our monthly pension. They'd continue to go to school and no one would be the wiser.

I just can't envision collapsing and I take offense with comments by this author, throwing it out there when there really isn't anyway for people like me to escape from our hardships, even briefly. I've had no choice but to be strong and keep plodding forward. So part of me has been upset with comments by those who've said, "Keep standing strong, put your big girl pants on and face it," and so on. I did what I had to do because there was no other option! I don't deserve any reward for doing what I've had to do.

Well, the "Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory" was mentioned in this article so I decided to take it. Being in the social services field, I'm aware of the test that lists the most stressful event a person can face as the death of a spouse - 100 points. And of course I am well aware that the past six years since my husband's death have been very trying and difficult. What I found surprised me a little.

For the first two years, (2003-2005) I scored a 305 which indicates "a major life crisis and is highly predictive (80%) of serious physical illness within the next two years." Anything over a 300 is dangerous. I had a score of 363 for the years of 2005-2007. Instead of going down, the score went up. Not a good thing! But it really shot up during the period of my divorce from 2007-2009, with a total of 503! Again, instead of my score lowering or stabilizing, it was sky high, off the charts!

Now, this scale is not perfect and there have been criticisms of it. But I think as a baseline it is a picture of the stress existing in our lives. So far this year, I'm at a score of 237 which is within the moderate range of life crisis and contributes to us getting ill, suffering from high blood pressure, headaches, fatigue, chest and back pain.

My eyes were opened after taking the test and seeing the results. It has been challenging enough to have been widowed and then try to grieve in an effective manner that allows me to move on with life. But when you add major life stressors on top of it all, it tips the scale over. To have to deal with grief and stress at the same time and to keep on going in some manner of functioning. I am surprised I'm not dead. It was a lot of grief and stress packed into a very condensed period of time. That has been my reality. Flip flopping between grief and stress, life stress and grief.

What I want to put out there on the table is that for widows/widowers, it is not usually just the grief. Many of us will be forced to move, or we'll remarry or face other major life stressors. That combination of grief and stress is significant (all those secondary grief losses again!). But I don't think this is really brought into the equation. The focus is always just on the actual grief from the death. But as you can see in my pitiful example, my life stress and life conditions greatly worsened after my husband's passing. This needs to be accounted for and added into the total picture.

For me at least, the stress hindered my ability to grieve effectively. I had to put the grief on hold - hang it up each time I had to address a new calamity. A year after my husband's death, my youngest was diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome and that sucked my little family into a new tailspin. I felt that the first year following my husband's death had been a whirlwind and I was at the point where I was ready to tackle the real nitty-gritty grief work I needed. But that all went to heck when I had to devote my entire attention and energy into my son's health crisis. And it was further delayed when I attended to my parents and their serious health issues. I was forced to pass over my grief work and as a result, it came out tenfold when I was going through my divorce. All the pain from the deaths of my husband and Mom was added to the pain of losing my second husband.

I have come to intimately know what most people out there can't even remotely fathom. Grief on its own is horrendous. Grief combined with life stress can be lethal. Based on these test scores, I'm surprised I'm still standing as tall as I am and that I haven't gotten more seriously sick. I do worry about the long-term effects of all of this stress showing up in the future. My focus right now is on what can I do to counter the effects of the past few years.

Now this is hysterical and I will end this post with it. The main suggestion for what to do with a high score is: Drum Roll please - TO AVOID LIFE STRESS IN THE FUTURE! Oh really? Can we really control much of that? The example was given to avoid moving if you're newly retired (or putting it off). But you can't delay moving if you're in foreclosure!

Here is my two cents. A week to the day of my Mom's death and two days after her memorial service and one day after my sons started back to school, an F-10 level tornado hit our town and was tracked at having originated a block from my home. I am convinced it flew over our house because we had the most severe yard damage that I saw in our community. I had been looking forward to having some private time to myself to grieve my Mom AND my husband. But of course, I had to switch gears and deal with the huge job of the yard cleanup which took weeks. Then, immediately following that there was a mix-up with my parents' closing date on the sale of their home and there was the life stress of having to clear out their large home within two weeks. How in the world does a poor person deal with that? There is no way to prevent natural disasters or crummy screw-ups with real estate agents. So the grief got shoved under the table again. And I think it is worth noting that carrying around unresolved grief has its own complications and problems with it besides.

I have gotten to the point of almost laughing about the tornado, if you can laugh about a thing like that. The pure ridiculousness of it! For awhile I even wondered if I had somehow caused the tornado - that it happened to bring more stress and strain to my life. I couldn't believe that so much "bad luck" or misfortune could happen to one person. And then I've wondered what I did in a past life to deserve such suffering. I have a hard time with the Buddhist belief of Karma because of this. If I was such a horrible person before, deserving of such hardship now, I should never have been reincarnated in the first place. No one is deserving of the stress, grief and hardships I've lived through the past six years.

But all that personal reflection aside, I don't know much about Sandra Bullock. She seems like a very nice and generous person. She is beautiful and a good actress and I'm happy she has been recognized for her artistic talents. But I think there are a lot of Sandras out here - ordinary men and women walking the widow road and dealing with life-changing events without falling apart. Continuing to raise children as only parents, go to work and seek a little bit of happiness in a sometimes less than sympathetic world. And these are the true heroes in my eyes.

Health Insurance Insanity

This has been an anxious weekend for me. I have been working, still not 100% and worried about the employee health insurance plan. I've been told by coworkers that the amount deducted for a family insurance plan is almost $800.00 per month. I cannot believe that! The sheet I have in my employee packet says the premium amount for the cheaper plan is $363.63. Then it says (Deductions Taken With Each Payroll). When I saw this I assumed the $363.63 would be divided, with $180.00 deducted from each payroll. Could I have been wrong about this or are my coworkers incorrect? Of course, it being the weekend, no one from HR was around.

Lets say, even if I luck out and only have to pay $363.63 monthly, it doesn't kick in for 90-days. In the meantime, we'll lose the very low cost insurance coverage we're now receiving from the state. So in a way, we're getting screwed because I have gone back to work and am making more income than qualifies for the state coverage. What happens if one of us gets sick between now and mid-June? This brings me back to the terror I've already been living the past few months without insurance for the boys and I. It is a nightmare!

Say the verdict is the unthinkable $727.26 a month. I can go to a private insurance broker to obtain insurance again on my own. But I have been there and done that - and it was not good. Paying $350.00 a month to Blue Cross Blue Shield with a still large deductible that had to be met - no prescription coverage at all - no coverage for my sons' acne treatment - a co-pay for every doctor visit. I ended up paying way more monthly than the $350.00 already going out. It never seemed worth it and I always felt like I was getting robbed.

Well, I'll find out tomorrow from HR what the real scoop is. But as I've stated, I'm in for more worry whatever way it ends up. Having to get through a few months without coverage scares me beyond belief, especially since I have just gotten sick. I will be exposed to more illness at the nursing home including the Scabies I encountered today. What if I bring something home like that to the boys and then we have no insurance for treatment?

The response I heard from coworkers this weekend is that most obtain insurance from their spouse's plans. But here I am again, the middle-aged mom without a spouse. It is only me and me alone. All I care about is trying to provide for my sons' health, happiness and well being. It just seems as though women in my position with no one else to fall back on or rely on are the ones really screwed by this crappy health care system. How can we ever get ahead having to pay outrageous premiums? We get assistance when we're at the bottom of the barrel but then as soon as we start to do better, the benefits are abruptly stopped leaving us in the lurch. Can't there be some kind of grace period to cover us between the time the new insurance kicks in?

I am beginning to believe that the only way out of this kind of worrisome life is to remarry. It is almost as though that is the only way to survive these days by being able to reduce cost of living expenses by living with someone. I almost started crying at work this afternoon feeding two unresponsive residents. It is all so overwhelming at times. I am trying at this miserable job and still feeling as though I'm not going to catch a break.

I need to stop worrying. I won't know what is what until tomorrow. There is nothing I can do in the meantime but to post about my plight and hope my dire situation may have some bearing on the health reform voting going on today. Maybe the Universe will pick up on my desperate mother worry and sway the hand of one of those voting. The insurance crisis is real and serious I know for many. But maybe even more trying for only parents already stressed out of their minds. As usual, there is no one to help shoulder this load of responsibility and strain I feel. I'm willing to work but I do need affordable health insurance coverage for my family. I can't be expected to only be working to pay for the peace of mind that comes with having health insurance.

Giving Myself a Long Overdue Hug

According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, the death of a spouse is the most stressful change a person has to endure. Back in the 1960s, these psychiatrists ranked various life events and assigned them numeral correlations. The death of a spouse comes in at a whopping 100! Getting married is ranked 50. Taking out a small mortgage is 17 and so on. The main point behind this scale is that the higher score someone has, the more likely that they will be facing significant stress which can lead to serious illness, anxiety, depression and anger. To see the scale go to Wikipedia and then just search under Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale.

I am not surprised about the highest ranking being assigned to losing a spouse. After all, I've been there and I know what this is like. The stress just doesn't go away, say like having your computer break and then having to either get it fixed or chuck it and buy a new one. It is not a short-term life change that can be quickly dealt with. Rather, a spouse's death is so multi-dimensional and the changes that result continue for years. Talk about long-term stress!

I find it surprising that despite what these guys determined way back 40 years ago, that the world continues to overlook and dismiss the complexities related to losing one's spouse - especially, those of us who are younger and/or with children. I'm not sure why there continue to be so many sterotypes about grief and loss, such as people need to get over their grief and move on within a year period. Or the myth that you can get over grief in the first place. I also continue to struggle with how underserved this group is. Here we have had research into grief and loss that even shows that the brain undergoes chemical changes when grieving - reasons we are absentminded or forgetful, unable to concentrate. All the books and studies by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on death and dying. While I don't totally agree with the stages of grief she developed, she brought into the forefront sociological and psychological data into what grieving really involves.

In a way it was good to see in black and white confirm what I have been living and know to be true in my heart - that the death of my spouse was the most significant life changing event I could endure save something happening to one of my children. Knowing this I need to be kinder and more gentle to myself. I need to step back and see the entire picture for what it is and what it has been. It has been a nightmare - having my soul exist in unending darkness within a world that continues to brightly shine. Maybe that sounds overdramatic but it is what I have endured. All the times I was so hard on myself for not grieving fast enough or being strong enough or making decisions that I shouldn't have made. Boy do I need to give myself a break!

I just had the silliest imagry of myself having a hand long enough to reach behind me and pet myself like I pet my cats. Giving myself a small measure of kindness and comfort. Then I had the image of part of myself breaking away from my body and giving myself a big long hug. Yes, it is sad that the world doesn't seem to understand how significant the loss of a spouse is. But I don't need the world's understanding to provide that recognition to myself. In the end that is what counts the most anyway. I get it - I know it - and from now on I am going to make more of an effort to show myself compassion and empathy I should have long ago.