Peace, Joy and Hope

My girlfriend sent me a text mid-afternoon asking if I wanted to go to an evening Christmas service tonight. I wasn't feeling up to it - just kind of depressed and feeling holiday bluesy. But I know that when I do get out and about that I end up feeling better so I agree to go. I am so glad I did. The music and service were powerful and wondrous.

The pastor spoke about the fragility of life. Widows know all about that. So on one hand, we're heads up on cherishing life and our loved ones. On the other hand, we also get the hard reality of how our lives can be altered in an instant. And at least in my case, that has left me at times, scared and paranoid. I guess you could call our first hand knowledge of death a blessing and a curse.

But I was glad the pastor spoke of this. There seems to be so much frantic rushing around right now. People out in their cars talking on cell phones, speeding to get to a store and reviewing their shopping lists are not paying attention to what this season is really about.

I was really struck by the pastor's mention of love - how God is so loving... And he added that that's pretty much the message here - being loved (by God), and then spreading joy and love to others. I felt somewhat ashamed comparing myself to God tonight. And how as a human, I fall way short at times of being more loving. Widowhood has resulted in some bitterness in my spirit. And I think the day-to-day grind and financial struggles sometimes overpower my desire to be a better person.

But I felt revitalized and hopeful by the words I heard tonight. The pastor spoke about how at this time of year we start reviewing the old year and planning for the one ahead. I was inspired to focus on the promise of what lies ahead and to be more mindful of this season's message which is love. And this can be translated to whatever religion or beliefs one has - that at our core, love is the force that drives us. And as I have come to believe since my husband's death - the reason we are all here in the first place.

Love + Kindness + Acceptance +Tolerance + Understanding + Compassion + Forgiveness = Peace, Joy and Hope!

Hope Wherever I Can Find It

It was a very emotional Dancing With The Stars week. Each contestant devoted their dance to a meaningful year in their life. Ricki Lake related that she had lost her home to a fire and had reached a point in her life where she felt she would never remarry again. But she said, "Never say never." Because it was during this period of hardship that she did find love again! She told the audience that she was sharing this to give others hope, so they will not give up. All in all, it was a very touching segment and I felt stronger and inspired by Ricki's story.

Had to go to the dreaded local Walmart to pickup a prescription for my son. As usual, the line in the pharmacy is a 45-minute wait. I picked up an all you magazine at the counter and had finished it by the time I finally got my turn. I decided to purchase it because of a couple good recipes in the issue that I'd like to try. And there were some cute Fall crafts. Most importantly, there was a story about a divorced mom of three, around my age, who ended up moving to a small town and downsizing to a 1,300 square foot home - exactly the house size I am aiming for! I liked what what the woman had to say about downsizing and frugal living and again reading the story inspired me and gave me strength.

I will get through the next school year while my son finishes his senior high school year. I will move to a small town community and will be living there next year at this time! I will go back to school to get back into a social services career. And love will be a part of my future!

Yin Yang

Appropriate for today's royal wedding - "There is a male yang to every female yin. As Richard Bach puts it, "You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however." Quote taken from "Love in 90 Days" by Diana Kirschner, PhD.

Tomorrow my youngest son will be attending Prom and my oldest son will do so in two weeks. Spring brings with it thoughts of love. I am feeling more optimistic about life in general and the prospect of love too. Flowers are blooming here but still no leaves on the trees. After about two weeks of constant rain, there was sun today. We are grateful for not experiencing the tornadoes that devastated the South.

More options are presenting themselves to me. My manager at work told me how pleased they are with my performance and I am perfect for what they want in the position. My oldest son is eager to be going off to college at the end of the summer. Both boys are working, my youngest was promoted to supervisor and will be earning $20.00 hourly. I will be starting my Library Asst. classes in just a month. The harsh weather is finally over and I don't have to worry about that for the next seven months. What a relief that is! My family and I are closer than we have been in a long while.

I still wish there were more free hours in my life to stop and smell those newly blooming flowers. I would like to take a short vacation and have a lunch out with my sister. But life is so busy with the end-of-year school activities. Until then, I have my knit club and my attention has been reinvigorated to pare down my possessions in anticipation of moving once my youngest finishes his senior high school year. All of us seem to be on course for moving onward and away from this location but that it okay. It is time and we are ready.

Love

Of course I have to write about love today. Following are a couple quotes from Jane Green's "Dune Road" that I found relevant to me.

"Love is about companionship. It's about having someone by your side as you enter your golden years."

"She has been trying to tell herself that she isn't missing Adam, she is missing someone. Someone to help, someone who will ensure she won't have to do everything, absolutely everything in her life all by herself."

"Loving requires acts of love. It requires thinking of your spouse, doing things for them to make them happy. It requires acting in loving ways, even when you are tired, or bogged down with work, or so stressed you are waking up every night with a jaw sore from grinding your teeth."

"They forgot to love each other. they expected love to continue, without putting any work into it..."

"She just doesn't think she has the energy to start again, not to mention traumatizing the children even more."

"She has become more selfish, she knows, since living on her own with the kids. She is used to having everything done her way, is used to her stuff being her own..."

"It is so nice to have someone tell her son to behave, so nice to not be the only one dealing with the kids, attempting to teach them manners, reprimanding them. It is so nice not to be the bad cop all the time."

These statements capture a lot of how I feel about my life as a widow and only parent. Tonight I sat on the bleachers for a volleyball game and was behind two couples I've known since the boys were four and five. One of the husbands put his hand on the small of his wife's back and rubbed it in a circle. The moment lasted just a minute. Did this women even really notice his gesture? Then the wife of the other couple leaned on her husband for support as she got up. Another moment that lasted just an instant but which I saw with such intensity and clarity. I thought of how my husband and I should have been part of that group of couples, would have been if he were still alive. I would have most likely needed his support getting down the steep risers but as it is, I clomp clumsily down on my own.

I had love in my life and support and an involved co-partner and parent. We were really a good team together and good parents to the the boys. We had a good life. We were good citizens and people.

So now I tiredly get through the days on my own. But I continue to hope and dream of love. That it will touch my life again. That I'll be able to live with a partner in the future who will enrich my life and that both of us can grow and become better people because of our togetherness. That I'll be able to lean on someone going down the bleachers.

V-Day Joke On Me!

In part, this was a better Valentine's Day because with working now, there was a little money for some V-Day treats, purchased the day after for half-price of course, but none-the-less treats for the boys. And it is nice to have a bit of spending money to afford seasonal luxuries once in a while.

At the grocery store sifting through the bags of left over candy, I came across this amazing card by the Palmer candy company and immediately got it for me. Because I thought I had found an actual card made for a person to give to themselves! After all, the front of the card had the words, "To Me..." on it. I liked that the card had a cat on it and then inside there was a ball of yarn. I will admit I was a little confused because there was a "To/From" inside. But I didn't let that deter me from buying myself the card.

I thought it was a brilliant idea. Perfect for people like me - a middle-aged widow not receiving many gifts throughout the year. I have posted about this topic a number of times. How widowhood finds you lacking in the gift department. So why not have a line of cards and gifts we single people can give to ourselves on special days? I remained excited that an actual big company out there had figured all this out and would lead/pave the way for other companies like Hallmark to follow.

I was so happy about this card I brought it with me to a concert my son performed at this week to show my girlfriend during intermission. She is a teacher and just laughed when she saw my card. She reminisced that one of her young students gave her this same card many years ago! She had to kindly explain to me that I had misread the card wording so to speak. I had put the emphasis on the word "To." But if you put the emphasis on the word "Me," there is a whole different meaning! So the card ended up not being one for someone to give to themselves after all.

Well, this is all pretty funny to me in retrospect now. I am still glad I got myself the card because I think this is a darn good idea that someone out there should latch onto - gifts and cards that can be purchased for individuals to give to themselves. Who else is going to tell us we're great, fabulous or fantastic unless it is us when we're experiencing the single life. It felt so empowering for me to get myself an actual Valentine for myself (even the day after) with a positive sentiment on it.

I know that in actuality, there are more people together than there are singles so this isn't probably a profitable idea. And that some would say, just go buy yourself a gift, that it doesn't need to say specific words for it to be meaningful. But there was something special about finding (or thinking I'd found) an actual Valentine to give to myself from myself that was fun while it lasted!

Valentine's Day Observations

I think I better post about Valentine's Day before the month of February is over. For the first time in many years, I did not feel the sense of pain and longing this day usually brings. Instead, I felt more of a universal focus of love rather than an emphasis on romantic relationships.

My close girlfriend and I had dinner at the restaurant I work at, which featured a special three-course meal and exchanged small gifts. I had to go to Target to purchase a set of sheets and passed by the card section. There was no longing or sadness as I looked at the large crowd surrounding the cards. What I did find of interest was that there was only one card to "My Boyfriend," although there were so many to "My spouse or better half." It just provided me with more evidence of how much our society recognizes couples and excludes or puts down singles.

The day approached and ended with me feeling happy and glad that there is a day recognizing love in all its forms and that is what I tried to keep in my heart during that time. I sent messages of good will to the people buying cards for their spouses and felt gratefulness for the love of my sons, the friendship and love of my girlfriend. Love has far more meaning and goes so much more beyond the limited boundaries of romantic/couple love our society elevates.

Opening the Door to 2011

My original Christmas gift from Sam was a cat necklace. He was so excited to give it to me and I was so initially disappointed. It looked like the ones my son and I had seen at Walmart for $5.00 and rather than put on a cheery face and say "I love it," I neutrally said, "It looks like the ones we saw at Walmart for $5.00 and after dating for 2 1/2 years I think I'm worth a little more than that." Sam told me the necklace wasn't from Walmart but I still didn't want the cat. Not that the cat wasn't cute - it was, but when I showed it to my youngest, he hooted with laughter and sputtered out a chocked, "Why did he get you a cat?"

Well, Sam got me a cat because I do like cats. Love them intensely would be more like it and I've had cats my entire life, at one point even owing eight of them (after one had kittens)! But that was the problem. I saw myself putting on the necklace and becoming even more branded as a "crazy, widowed cat lady." Yes, I know there isn't a whole lot of logic behind this. But my mind equated the cat necklace with my widowed status and quite frankly I am fed up of being a widow and have resolved to not be a widow any longer than I have to in 2011. In fact, my resolution for 2011 is to work on ditching the widowhood gig.

So I sincerely did not want the cat necklace and wouldn't have enjoyed wearing it. I would have dreaded wearing it. I kindly asked Sam if he would please return it for a design I had been coveting all year - a key. At first he resisted and said he wouldn't take it back and then he said he wasn't even sure he had the receipt. When I told him I would take it back myself for an exchange with or without a receipt he sprang into action and the next day I received my key necklace.

I LOVE the key necklace. It is symbolic of hope, opening the door to a new year and new future. I don't want to keep accepting things that are given to me that I don't like or want. I think all of us are entitled to have things that are meaningful and that we love in our lives. It is one of the reasons I make sure the gifts I give are items that are really wanted or I give gift cards. No longer do I want to pretend to be happy with items that don't make me happy just to make other people more comfortable.

So I got my key necklace and it makes me happy and hopeful. But it does bother me a little that I had such a negative reaction to the cat necklace in the first place. I just want to move beyond the widowhood label, and identification with it. I don't want to be a widow anymore. I want an identity beyond widowhood and one that looks more positively into the future. For me that does mean moving on toward a committed relationship leading to marriage. I hold the key in my hand but need to start opening and unlocking some doors to reach that goal. It is okay to want this and go after it. No one is going to send me a new husband knocking on my door. But I have the power to knock on doors and see how they open. Will Sam open one of them? I don't know anymore. I do know that if he isn't opening the door now, that I need to look for a man who is ready to do so - that I can't keep waiting indefinitely without some sort of formal commitment toward a future together.

Sam feels I want to get remarried because I am insecure. I disagree with him. I want to get remarried because it does offer security and benefits that do not exist otherwise in our society. No one questioned me wanting to get married when I married my husband at age 30. I still want love, safety, security, commitment, companionship - the whole nine yards like most people out there. I know that I thrive in a committed relationship and being in one that isn't exclusive is very unsettling to me. It is time to become unsettled and strive for what brings wholeness and contentment to our lives, whatever that may be for each of us.

Moonlit Walk

Took my walk a little later than I normally do and was surprised by how early it got dark. Saw the lights twinkling in people's homes and imagined couples and families greeting one another with something warm and cozy on the stove. My walk was quiet, sad and reflective. I cut it short because I started to get spooked out as the moon rose higher and the night got darker - I didn't feel safe out in the woods by myself.

It is not that I feel lonely. Just that I feel alone. Looking back now on my months of blogging and 400 some entries, I would say that the reason I do so is to be heard. To tell someone my story, my feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. There aren't many people in my life who really listen or care and I guess in the end, that is what I am most seeking. To have interactions with people who want to listen, who care, who are interested and to whom I matter. Many days I feel that if I simply disappeared, the only ones affected would be my two sons. And I want to matter to someone else. I want to feel the connection again that I had with my husband. I also want to help another human being feel important, nurtured and loved. To know with certainty that there is someone in the world to come home to who'll be waiting with open arms of acceptance.

Seven years ago I would never have imagined the intensity of feeling alone or how draining that aspect of widowhood is. To want something more in terms of a personal relationship but to have it elude you can be a hard reality to accept at times.

Tonight both my sons are at home as football is over and they are playing a sports video game together that my youngest bought with his job earnings today. They haven't had an operating game system in a year and have missed it. Today's purchase was a used 360. They are happy with the novelty of the game and it is peaceful and quiet. And I get time to myself on the computer. There is a pizza and some cake for dinner, along with ice cream. I am indulging in a rare glass of wine. I am trying to be mellow and to think ahead to a time when I will be able to talk in person with someone who cares about my story and will listen without judgment.

Round and Round She Goes

I wish it were all easier. I feel as though I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not finding entry level jobs, nor higher level jobs. Where are the ones that would fit me right now? Those in the middle? I'm apparently not qualified enough for the more professional jobs and yet when I see who is working at the entry level ones, it is clear that I don't fit in there at all. I applied for two positions at the local grocery store. No interest in me, even with my Big Box Store experience. When I shopped there the other day, there were three middle-aged cashiers gabbing, waiting on no one and the one at my register didn't start waiting on me until they stopped chatting. I just stood there waiting to see how long it would take and didn't say a word. So here is who is working there and someone like me who jumped on taking care of customers gets passed over. Very frustrating!

A couple of weeks after my husband died, I was in the grocery store reaching for some pears. And a quite elderly woman's hand brushed against mine. She had come to the store from the retirement home and I remember thinking to myself, I am sure this woman is a widow. And yet, here am I a widow also, at age 44, probably 40 years her junior. That is the first time I referred to myself as Widow in the Middle. I wasn't an widow as she was but nor was I a widow with little babies, a young widow.

Now I don't even know where I fit in. Certainly no longer in this community of intact families. I have sadly learned that a community doesn't make a home no matter how quaint and pretty it is if you're lonely and have no one to share life with. I've stayed here for the boys and high school but at this point am ready to relocate. Living here is a hindrance for me. I understand now why people say it can be a good thing to move and start over fresh in a new location.

I have never disclosed the real reason I plunged into a deep depression at the end of the summer. I found out that my Master's degree qualifications to sit for counseling licensing in my state were changed about two years ago. They increased the number of hours in the Master's program and I don't have enough to sit for the license. So in a way, my MA is worthless at least from the perspective of being a licensed professional counselor in Illinois. This absolutely devastated me.

Now my mood is more stable and the dust has settled. I will have to use my Master's in Psych/Counseling as a launching point into a new career. I suppose I can find a social services job in the field but with all the managed care requirements for payment, they want licensed professionals. I doubt I'll find work as a counselor since I am not license eligible. Very distressing.

Having gone to all these financial aid meetings for my son going on to college, I am considering going back to school myself for some job retraining. A program just at the community college level - maybe the Library Aide or something in health care management. I don't know what else to do to progress so I can make somewhat of a decent living for myself and my sons.

What also upset me in the past months is the disconnect I have felt with Sam - we haven't seen one another since mid-August and a main issue between us is his inability to commit to some sort of exclusive relationship status. I am tired of that and want more. I deserve better. Widowhood is hard enough than to be dealing with a guyfriend not on the same page in regard to what the definition of a relationship is. I haven't given up on Sam because he still means something to me but I am discouraged.

I've already experienced a lot of ambiguity these past few years and to be in an "undefined" relationship, without work, on my own stumbling along here makes me long for some part of my life that is defined, known and predictable. I know none of us really know where we will be tomorrow. Nothing is ever a given. But I want to know that I have a decent job/career, a kind man in my life who loves and respects me and our relationship and I want to know that I'm headed out of this pit of uncertainty. I want to laugh more and feel joy (real joy) in my heart again. I want to have a man buy be a cup of tea or glass of wine and be interested in what I have to say (truly). I want to be of value to an employer again and to have my financial burdens eased.

All these steps I'm taking just to keep on living and going on and yet I only seem to be turning around in circles.

The Spirit of Love

It's sometimes hard not to get overly caught up and dwell on my own worries and concerns. I try and give myself a break because there is a lot of stress and turmoil going on with my life right now and my life sure isn't easy. How can I not worry and despair? It's part and parcel of my life at this time, pretty unavoidable.

But I still think that widowhood has increased my selfishness to an extent. Not having a partner to be a sounding board and helpmate gives me an awful amount of time to engage in self-rumination. Blogging is also a pretty self-indulgent activity. It does come down to "me, me, me" much of the time. Is that a bad thing? I question my selfishness and don't like it but then I realize that I really don't have anything to give to anyone besides my sons anyway. Then I consider all my years of volunteering and working in social services and I tell myself it is okay to concentrate on myself right now.

Widowhood has seemed to shrink my world. I no longer have a husband to consider and devote attention to. I know there are many, many others out there feeling the pain of grief and loss and struggling financially but a part of me remains disconnected since I am so in need myself.

I'm reflecting on my sidebar, where I relate that what really matters is love. And that is today's topic. It is all about love. The love that comes from inside us can be released and multiply into a universal energy if let it. If we make that our goal. It totally starts from each of us within. It is a spark that can erupt into a flame.

I say do all things with love, think all things with love, be love. I truly believe that but yet I lose sight of that in the day to day struggles of survival and getting by on my own. I need to remember and be more conscious of this belief. Love will rule out or at least soften anger. So if I am upset and crabby and can feel those emotions with an ounce of love for myself, that pain to myself and what I transmit to the world will be lessened.

Even in the face of hardship and difficulty I can choose to think about and react to most every conceivable situation with love. All this summer I struggled so much with feelings of resentment and envy toward other moms my age and in my community seemingly living easier and happier lives. I could have turned that energy over to love by concentrating on being more self-nurturing instead of trying to obtain external validation. This great concept is the brainchild of Julie who recently suggested it to me in her comments about an earlier post. Pure genius! The act of soothing my internal pain would have most likely helped extinguish some of the bitterness I was experiencing at the time. Just one example of how love can heal and that healing lead to being able to love others in addition to ourselves - the ultimate goal - to spread and sow the seeds of love to the best of our abilities, each and every day. Even being aware of our shortcomings and trying to work on them helps. We all need to refocus, regroup and recommit to our goals.

Today, I pledge to do my best to honor what I have learned about love, to make it the driving force of my spirit and being in and to all things.

Two Songs, One Night

Saturday I watched a PBS special on Peter, Paul & Mary. It is a group that I grew up with but have since pretty much taken for granted. Seeing footage of the war demonstrations and March on Washington brought back a surge of memories. One of the facts that most impressed me that I didn't know was that Paul wrote "There is Love" (The Wedding Song) in honor of Peter's wedding. He felt that the song had been "given" to him to compose as a gift. Thus he never received any royalties for the song. He considered the song his gift to the world. Some kind of charitable trust was set up in lieu of the royalties. Now that just blew me away!

First of all, I'd forgotten how great the song is. The words to this verse especially hit me:

"Is it love that brings you here or love that brings you life?
For if love is the answer then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before?
Oh, there's love. There is love."

Hearing the song just reaffirmed all that I believe about love since my husband died. It is what brings us here and it is what brings us life. It is the answer and the reason. It's unseen power is the fuel of the world. I felt moved, motivated and inspired by this song. It was a gift to hear!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1v84WKC6Pg

Later in the night, I started to watch Saturday Night Live which was a rerun from the 1/9/10 show. I'd already seen that show but something propelled me to watch it again. When I heard the song Alicia Keys sang I remembered being blown away back in January. I had made a mental note to get the CD but then forgot about it. Alicia sang "Sleeping With A Broken Heart" and if you haven't heard it, the lyrics relate so much to my widowed feelings of heartache.
http://bossip.com/201602/alicia-keys-on-snl-video/

"Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the time that we had
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tired sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown
You made my body feel heaven bound
Why don't you hold me, need me?
I thought you told me you'd never leave me

Looking at the sky, I can see your face
And then I know right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love with you
Right 'til the end

Refrain

Anybody could've told you right from the start it's 'bout to fall apart
So rather than hold on to a broken dream, I'll just hold on to love
And I can find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight
I'll make it without you tonight

Refrain"

I did a lot of crying on Saturday. Tears for the power of love I continue to believe in. And for the loss of loves and the sadness of sleeping with a broken heart. I was just stuck by the opposite continuum of these two emotions. Trying to remain hopeful that love will continue in my life, while grieving the loss of love. A knowing that I was meant to hear those songs on Saturday. To find consolation, solace and hope in them. To continue to believe in love. As Alicia so beautifully put, "I'm going to hold on to the time that we had." "So rather than hold on to a broken dream, I'll just hold on to love."

Love and Pie in the Sky

Just finished the book "Shelter Me" by Juliette Fay and have very conflicted feelings about it. As with most books about widowhood, either fiction or nonfiction, this one is about a young widow's FIRST YEAR following the freak accident death of her husband. Janie has a preschool son and baby daughter to solo parent. Here is the novel's main plot - Janie's husband had planned for a front porch to be built on their cape cod home as a gift to her. The building contractor shows up four months after her husband's death with the "surprise," unaware that Janie's husband had died. She decides to go ahead with the project and ends up falling in love with the builder AS WELL as her hot, sexy, troubled priest who has been making weekly grief house calls.

The crush on the priest doesn't go anywhere but the relationship with the builder progresses and by the end of the book, which looms on the one-year anniversary, Janie and the builder are a couple. Happy ending for everyone! And all tied up within that one-year grieving period.

But the fact of the matter is that I don't think Janie was really working through her grief, pain and loss. How could she when her emotions were tied up romantically with the priest and the contractor? Grief work takes such huge amounts of emotional energy. But so does falling in love and starting a relationship. Based on my own experience, I don't think the two are mutually compatible. So this part of the book wasn't believable to me. It would have been far more believable if it had occurred in the second year following the death of Janie's husband.

Did this author do any research or speak with real widows before and during the time she was writing this novel? Come to think of it, I wish there were more widows out there telling their stories about how they fell in love again. I want to hear it from a reliable source, not a fictionalized account by a woman still happily married who has not had to face the circumstances surrounding her main character.

I finished the book feeling more upset than revitalized and hopeful. Just another account depicting how we should have the pieces picked up and our lives restored (even our love lives) within that magical one-year period. During the first year I was so busy caring for my sons and trying to figure out how to navigate in a new world, there wasn't any time for even contemplating a new relationship much less starting one. That doesn't mean I wasn't lonely or missing sex/physical contact. I just had a whole heck of a lot on my plate that took priority over me dating or getting back out there.

I guess I need to remember that this is a work of fiction. But I remain serious about the request for more of the widowed community to get out there and share their stories of love and romance, including the successes and failures. I don't want pie in the sky but reality. I do want hope - but hope that is attainable because no hunky building contractor will be making house calls any time soon. And if there have been widows/ers who've found love again quickly, more power to you. But lets hear those stories too!

Can We Please Be Real!

I am coming to more realizations about love and grief. Yesterday, I read one of my daily newsletters from "Lifescript.com." This question was posed to the resident life coach on 5/18: "My husband left me. It's so hard and I'm in so much pain. Can you please tell me how to get over a broken heart?"

This question struck me in a number of ways. First of all, having lost two husbands, one to death and the second to divorce, I could really sense and feel this woman's pain. Of course she is really hurting. All of us grieving our losses are. You can't get around that awful, gut-wrenching pain. It comes with the territory when we suffer the loss of a relationship whether from death or divorce.

What concerns me most is this woman's apparent need to stop feeling her pain and to quickly move on. I want to tell her that it has been two years since my divorce was initiated and I still feel the pain. Less intensely for sure, but it's still with me. And I'm not even sure that I want it to be gone.

Our grief symbolizes the deep extent of our feelings for our loved ones. Why would I want those to disappear? Yes, they are painful and hurt a whole lot, but I'd rather have them than not, if you know what I mean. To displace them so quickly would somehow be dishonoring the real and true love I had and felt for both my husbands. It was genuine and there is honor in that. My relationships with my husbands may be over but I believe the love I had for both can continue to exist and even still remain a powerful force in the world. Sometimes I send my love out to my second husband and hope that it somehow touches him along with others along the way.

We live in this rather unrealistic society that believes people can and should dismiss their feelings and get on with things. But love can't be replaced. I fell in love with Sam during my divorce and it didn't magically negate the love I still felt for either of my husbands, nor did it take away the pain of my grief.

Our society needs to own up to the painful feelings and embrace them rather than focus on how to hide and run from them. I want to tell this woman that there is no quick and easy cure that she is searching for that will take away her pain. The key is that we all eventually learn how to manage our pain and keep on living. And as we go on, we learn how to add more joy into our lives and even more love. Different love - but love. And love really is what it's all about.

Here is the answer offered by Dr. John H. Shlare: "The more you focus on what you've lost and what you DON'T have, the longer it will take you to recover. In general, getting over any kind of loss is best accomplished by focusing on what you DO have, making positive plans for the future and keeping yourself busy. Don't let the overwhelming emotions of the moment blind you from your greatest advantage: opportunity. Taking positive action now toward a better future is the way out of this heartache. ...the end of one thing is ALWAYS the beginning of something else."

If only it were all so simple and a three plan solution is what it would take. In the six and a half years I've been battling grief I've embraced positive plans for the future (getting remarried, going to school, entering into a new relationship). I've done my best to focus on what I have vs. what I've been lacking. And as an only parent I can attest to the fact that my life is crazy busy. But guess what? The grief remained. And I suspect it still will for this woman grieving the end of her marriage. The solutions presented here are ways to help us keep on with the process of living but they are not ways to "Get over" a loss.

Can our society stop with the "Get over it" attitude? I have resigned myself to the fact that I won't ever get over either my husband's death or my divorce. The grief surrounding those events will continue to live within me until I die. The funny thing is, that once I accepted this and stopped fighting my need to 'get over it," the claws of grief lessened a bit and the pain subsided - or I should say became easier to accept and live with.

And that is the advice I would offer this woman. Embrace your grief. Accept it for what it is. Know that its intensity will stick around for a while. Try to focus more on the love and all the good stuff you experienced vs. negative and vengeful thoughts, although those will come and keep you company on some days. Send the power of your love into the Universe and be proud of the fact that you loved your husband so deeply. The hurt signifies that depth. Be active and strong not as a way to get over your love, but as a way to continue focusing on the here and now as no one grants us a pass to tune out out of life for even a few weeks. We're stuck having to continue with the daily grind of living. Recognize that it is okay to grieve and feel the pain of your loss for the time it takes. I'm not ashamed that I still struggle with the grief of my divorce two years out. Be as gentle and as kind to yourself as possible because you'll be challenged from all fronts to "move on and get over it" as soon as possible. Don't pretend you're strong and over it just to placate others. Recognize that you're in for a battle because what people don't want to tell you is that the pain can feel like it will almost kill you. It will get that bad. It will hurt that much.

That is what I resent about the answer of this life coach. He doesn't tell it like it honestly is. His answer is that glossy belief that we all somehow have the power to quickly and easily move on. "Here are the three steps and if you follow them it'll be all better and you won't feel anymore pain." An illusion to match the totally misguided belief we have in our society that if we just take a pill, everything will be better. Well, all of us out here in the blogosphere of grief and loss know what's really what. And I do believe that we all would be in better shape (emotionally at least) if our society had prepared us how to face our grief and losses instead of offering us empty promises that we'll be cured by following these three easy steps. Lets not pretend anymore. Lets tell it like it is. "It's going to hurt like hell but it's okay to feel and even embrace that pain!" As Dan from "Dan, in Real Time" once astutely observed, it is okay to walk beside the grief instead of running in front of it or behind it because it is going to be around for awhile and you might as well make friends with it and even share a joke or two!

Time Doesn't Heal All Things

Thursday was the Senior Farewell band concert - a teary, emotional evening. There was some stress leading up to the night. My oldest had a detention after school for chewing gum in band class no less, along with a volleyball game - at least it was a home game. That meant I was in charge of making sure he had his band tux and volleyball uniform, along with a sack dinner since he wouldn't have time to come home. Turns out he forgot his dress-up shoes and I had to get them to him before the concert.

As usual, sitting in the auditorium before the concert I was struck by the loneliness I feel. It is a constant and dull ache that magnifies when I attend events like this one because in doing so, I can visualize my being alone as well. In this case, the school theater was packed with couples, families and grandparents who'd also come. Having arrived early to drop off the shoes, I could see the people come in and noted that there were only a handful of us sitting alone.

Then it seemed as though the theater lighting was somehow centering on and illuminating all the wedding rings and bands worn on the left hands of the audience members. Anytime I looked around, I saw a ring glinting in the light or I'd spy the arm of a husband casually resting around his wife's shoulder.

I felt the rage I feel as a victim (if my husband hadn't died I wouldn't be alone), along with the envy for all these fortunate married folks. Then there is some self-pity and even embarrassment at having to sit alone. I always feel a huge sense of sadness for the losses my sons have endured - seeing all the dads brings that on.

It takes such darn emotional energy to keep attending these events, over and over always alone. People have stopped making the effort to seek me out for a word or two and I have stopped pasting a smile on my face and pretending that I'm having a grand old time. I love supporting my sons in their activities and always feel a huge source of pride but it does come with a price.

I'm surprised that instead of getting easier, it just all seems to get harder and more painful. You'd think with the passing of time that I'd be more accepting of my situation and more used to attending events on my own. Funny how that is not turning out to be the case.

Also, what I felt for the first time on Thursday night was quite distressing to me. As I looked around the packed auditorium, the thought went through my mind that I have so little in common anymore with all the married, upper-middle class suburban parents living in my community. It was a very scary realization. The longer I go as a widowed mom here on my own, the greater the divide is growing. Too much has happened to me over the past seven to eight years. It has gone beyond the death of my husband now to include a failed marriage, the loss of a home and severe financial difficulties.

A man came in late and sat in front of me. I observed his large, well-fed body, his expensive business suit and the gleam of his gold wedding band. I tried to imagine going on a date with him if he was single and I couldn't. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll be able to interact with "normal" people or even go on a date with someone in the future. Too much has changed inside me in too short a time period. I'm not saying I'm better than others, just that I no longer live, relate, think, dream, talk, laugh, smile or even sleep like the woman I once was.

I only want to be with others who have experienced some pain and loss because they have some familiarity with what I have experienced. I worry about the dating pool being overflowing with divorced folks. Divorce is different than death and I don't feel on the same playing field with the dating middle-aged people out there. I'm not sure I believe there is a man out there willing to take the time to get to really know and accept me for the woman I have become. Heck, I even have doubts that I have the verbal capability to get through a two-hour date with someone and engage in a normal conversation! Any questions from "Where did you go on your last vacation?" to "What is your family like?" would all involve some aspect of loss.

What I felt on Thursday night was that I fear I am facing a future of loneliness and solitude without a life partner. And that realization on top of everything else - the daily grind of just living and having to parent on my own is a harsh dose of reality I don't want.

As Time Goes By

A brief perusal of online personal ads shows me a glimpse of what single people out there want. It looks like in 95% of cases, people want to be happy, optimistic and to have fun. And they want their future partners to be happy, optimistic and having fun too with the addition of no baggage! I can't relate to that. Having fun? For me, having fun would be going to the grocery store and filling up my cart without adding up every purchase in my head beforehand - to actually even be able to afford $50.00 of groceries at one time. Having fun? To watch a DVD at home. Right now, our DVD player is broken and I don't even have a spare $30.00 to replace it. It would be nice to go anywhere for a glass of wine and some good conversation - to have someone actually listen to me and care about my views and outlook. Or to maybe ask me my opinion on something. Having fun? I just want to feel safe, secure, comforted and with the knowledge that I have someone to lean on every once in awhile when the going gets tough.

Having fun? What does that mean? Excitement? Sex? Adventure? Trying new things? Laughing? Joking? Only having a good time? Forget all that. Give me safety and security. Dullness, the known, predictability, sameness. I want the same old, same old.

There is a t.v. show I try to watch every Sat. night when it airs on my PBS station (we don't get cable). It is a British comedy called "As Time Goes By," starring Dame Judy Dench and Geoffrey Palmer. It ran for a good many years and is about an older couple who fell in love during the Korean War. There was a mishap with their communication and they ended up apart. The story picks up 40 years later when they are reunited, fall in love again (although they had never really stopped loving each other) and then getting married.

The episodes are about their new life together. He is an author and she is newly retired. She has a daughter and there is an assortment of quirky friends and family members that round out the cast. There is nothing hot and heavy going on under the sheets. No one is jumping out of airplanes. One episode centers on their activity of cleaning out the house and giving items away to the charity shop. Or how the family bands together when the daughter suffers a breakup.

Now this is what is exciting to me. Families supporting one another through thick and thin. A happily married couple, comfortable and content to create a stew together on a cold winter Saturday. The ordinary, every day little occurrences. Many shows end with Jean and Lionel going to bed at the end of the day. They often read a bit before turning off the light and it is that scene that causes my heart to pound. That is what I miss in my own life and what I hope to someday have again. The ability to read together in bed with my loved one. Maybe 95% of the singles out there would find that boring and mundane. It is a treasured dream and fantasy for me.

I'm not sure what the likelihood of me finding a suitable partner out there is. I am honest when I say I can't relate to those out there seeking fun, excitement and happiness. My therapist told me she did not think I'd be able to have a successful relationship with a man who hadn't experienced some hardship in his life. She said it would be difficult for someone who'd lived a relatively "happy" life to relate with me. Boy, just another hurdle to have to jump over. It is hard enough finding a decent guy out there, now I have to find one who has suffered hardship.

Not that I have any interest in going out there and hitting the pavement anyway right now. Now is not the time. I am terribly disillusioned and depressed. Definitely not the happy, optimistic, fun seeking person single men are looking for. Of course they also want a nice looking woman, and I feel careworn and as though I've aged overnight. I think I wear my inner sorrow on the outside now and it is not that attractive, I'll admit. The loss of the house, the move, going back to work, parenting on my own, handling the apartment and all the financial stuff alone has just caught up with me. It has taken a toll the past months.

I would have to be with someone who could share a deep conversation and someone looking for more than just a good time. Everything that has happened the past few years has impacted me to a level where I'm not the same person I once was. I can't just laugh for the sake of laughing anymore. I am jaded, no question about it. How do you find someone compatible with that? I don't think it is easy. I would also want a man who could understand and appreciate the decisions I've made for my sons. Someone who'd see the choices I've made without putting me down, as my second husband did.

Plus, I've put my heart out there a couple times now and have had less than favorable endings. I used to think that I could always find a partner with whom to have a relationship. I've reached the point where I have a much sobered reality. I actually think it is possible that I could die alone. That there isn't a match for me out there. Anyway, I don't have the time or energy right now to even look. Let this magical, miracle guy come to me for a change. I'm tired of putting myself out there and really taking a chance, especially after having faced the loss of a husband due to death.

Tonight I watched an hour (two episodes) of "As Time Goes By" and as usual was charmed by the gentle and peaceful love portrayed by Jean and Lionel. And I was wistful for their unexciting but filling and happy life. Forget the excitement and having fun. When I think of love and a couple I admire, I see these two.

Personal Ad

Wanted: Ordinary, predictable, comfortable life with a loving partner who is willing to work out conflicts and life's little snags with conversation and devotion. Having fun is defined by cooking, reading and antiquing together. Nothing fancy. And it is perfectly okay to sometimes feel less than optimistic and a little down. That is what a good hot cup of tea is for and a comforting embrace. Support, kindness, compassion and understanding are the mutually agreed upon values of the relationship with along a touch of laughter and humor. Materialism is at the bottom of the list and a life seeking internal knowledge and growth is aspired to.

Do you know that I've actually seen some ads where the guys have said the women they are seeking must have decent jobs, fancy cars and want to have a lot of sex? My goodness! I don't think these guys are watching "As Time Goes By" or that they'd understand, much less appreciate the values that show portrays.

For a little while every week, I get to be whisked away into a life that melts my heart and gets my tummy all fuzzy. All that from a scene of an older, married, settled couple chopping carrots together at the kitchen table. NOW THAT IS EXCITING!

Tonight I briefly spoke to Sam and he mentioned that he hasn't filled his bed yet. Maybe I'd still want to consider moving to be with him? I'm just too worn and depleted to go into all of that right now. Our relationship has been on the back burner the past few months and we haven't seen one another since mid-February. It is like I have been living this separate life from him on my own and handling all of these hardships alone. I feel disconnected from him. And then I have the boys, always the boys to think about. I don't want to go into all of that right now. I just want a few more moments to smile as I think back on my show - it does give me a bit of pleasure that I can count on.

One is the Lonliest Number

I live in an area where if you throw a stone in any direction, you will wind up in a cute, historic town full of quaint shops and restaurants. So, since I had to drive 30-minutes away to return my son's Elvis costume, I planned to stop off at a yarn and antique store in the area of the costume shop. Just window shopping mind you. But I get a lot of ideas window shopping and since my boys were out for the day had a little time of my own. A way to battle some of the winter stir-craziness.

The town with the yarn store was filled with middle-aged couples (straight and gay) holding hands while strolling down the streets. My eyes always gravitate to these fit and young looking 60-ish pairs, smiling at one another, stopping to embrace. Then in the yarn store, women in twos were mingling about. I assume there were some that were friends and others mother-daughter or sister pairs.

It is hard always going out on one's own. But if you are someone alone and want to go somewhere, what is the option? I enjoy my window shopping excursions but would enjoy them far more if they were shared with a friend or partner. Judith Sills, PhD, in her book, "Getting Naked Again - Dating, Romance, Sex and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted" talks about this. By the way, the book is very good. Anyway, she basically says that all of us will at some point in our lives be on our own, without a partner. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is where we are at that place in our lives.

So I try to hold my head up high and enjoy browsing the bins of brightly colored yarn or shop of antiques and collectible treasures. I try to not feel too down viewing the happy couples that seem to multiply in front of my eyes. But it is still hard and I am still lonely, even though I enjoyed my brief afternoon respite of window shopping.

I am grateful:

1. For yarn shops - I want to live in one!
2. For antique stores.
3. For book stores, whether they are chains or secondhand ones.
4. For libraries.
5. For 60-ish couples who look so vibrant and in love. Puts aside the myth that you have to be young to be happy and in love. Gives me hope that someday I'll be walking down the street joining that group sometime in the future.

The Power of Love

I think I have figured out why this Valentine's Day has been so trying for me. During most days of the year I keep it together. Meaning I appear composed and all that grief buried inside me stays there. But that inside grief doesn't just vanish with the passage of time. It remains. A fact that we have to learn to live with. And for the most part, with the exception of self-pitying blog posts where I can release some of my agony, I do manage to keep my chin up and trudge forward.

But on holidays and observations like Valentine's Day, I am visually assaulted from every direction. And this year's visualizations seemed bigger and that there were more of them for sale. Maybe it is because of the stilted economy. But there was a balloon at the store that had to be five feet long. I'm not sure how it would fit in a vehicle to get home! Cute singing stuffed animals - huge flower arrangements - giant chocolate covered strawberries. All kinds of goodies brought out just for this occasion.

I do not begrudge anyone lucky enough to have love in their life. Love has been a major part of my consciousness since my husband's death. I believe love is the most important thing in the world and that the world needs more of it. Like Christmas, this is a day that receives a lot of focus and attention that is forgotten soon afterward. Instead of rushing to the gas station to pick up that 19.95 bouquet of roses to present to your sweetie, we all need to concentrate on demonstrating our love in kindness and actions, not objects, every day of the year.

So I'm surely not resentful of the fortunate people out there receiving valentines today. I suppose a little bitter and jealous. But I don't want to begrudge others their happiness or take that away from anyone.

Being bombarded every which way by reminders of love, lovers, romance, togetherness, marriage, commitment and the whole nine yards is like the world rubbing my nose into what I don't have and most want right now. To be in love and remarried. As a result of my childhood issues and probably my personality makeup in general, I have great difficulty living on my own. I want to be married and not just in a committed relationship. Sam moving away and my decision to remain here for the boys to finish high school has hit hard right now. Because I have given up the security and safety of being able to live with someone. And that is big for me.

The tokens and symbols of this day - the cards. hearts, candy, champagne, flowers and other pretties end up representing far more than mere gestures of love and affection. They are reminders of the pain I feel from having lost a husband too soon and having a marriage end before its time. I think also having the new losses of moving from my home and then Sam's departure are still very close to the surface and fresh. As a result, this year's day of love was harder to face.

I finished the large pink heart hanging I crocheted for the front door this morning and have hung it up (taking my giant mittens down for now). I want this heart to symbolize my hope for more love in this household and the entire world! This was a rough Valentine's for me. I wish it wasn't because there is enough hardship as it is. Tomorrow some of the red and pink will thankfully come down in the stores and windows. I am already planning on my next door display to be a rainbow and pot of gold. That will be fun to work on. But I'll leave the pink heart up another week or so. And tonight I'll celebrate love of family with the boys. We will feast on our little heart-shaped cakes, and Twizzlers.

Before this day ends, here are words of Danielle Steel. They appear in the beginning of one of her recent books, "One Day At A Time." I found them lovely, touching and inspiring.

"Whatever happens, has happened, or will happen,
I still believe in Love, whatever orthodox,
unorthodox, ordinary, or extraordinary form it takes.
Never give up Hope.

d.s."

Today I am grateful:

1. For the "free" cake I ended up receiving since the package was priced incorrectly.
2. That there is a day devoted to the demonstration and reflection of love - we need more.
3. For the power of love because I firmly believe it is the most powerful force in the world.
4. For snowmen.
5. For the gift card my son's track coach gave him that allowed the purchase of new track shoes and compression shorts.

Love, Sacrifice and Gas Money

The following passage is from the current book I'm reading by Sandra Kring, "Thank You For All Things." I read it last night and it really struck a chord with me. Today I am finding that it relates to my situation:

"Oh, you know your father. First saving every penny for that sawmill, then for his retirement." Oma sighs. "Isn't that the way it goes, though? We get caught up in getting ahead, planning ahead, and for what? Whatever money he could have left at this point is useless to him. What does any of it matter in the end but who we loved and how we loved them."

I just really connect with that last sentence and know that after my husband died, I often thought that exact same thing.

This morning it is was very cold (frigid, single digits) and the van's heat was not blowing out. I was forced to take it in for an inspection. Turns out to be a faulty heating blower that will be fixed for $336.00. I suppose in the grand scheme of life this is not a major setback - I mean it is under $500.00. But when there isn't a fund in place to take care of unplanned emergencies, this cost is a fortune. This next month might be the one where we are eating PB & J for dinner three times a week. I'm gearing up for that.

I had to humble myself and ask the repair shop if they could hold my check until the 1st when the pension check is deposited. They were kind enough to agree to this. For that I am grateful. But now Sam has decided that due to this unexpected cost it is not a good idea for me to visit him this weekend, which had been planned for weeks. It is cost prohibitive to make the trip since between gas and tolls, the amount I spend to see him is about $80.00. Sam reminded me that when I made the decision to have the boys stay here for the school year, it was going to be a very tight financial sacrifice to do so.

I understand and appreciate his view. But I am sad about this. Both my boys will be gone this weekend, one on an overnight field trip and the other snowboarding with a buddy. As much as I long for peace and quiet, when I'm actually alone here I end up feeling very lonely. I'll try to make the best of it by going through boxes from the storage shed, organizing my financial papers and finishing my resume so I can start pounding the pavement bright and early Monday morning in a warm van, thank goodness!

However, there is still part of me that does not think staying home is the right decision. People need to connect on an emotional and physical level and it is a challenge to maintain a long-distance relationship. January has been a tough month for me and now I won't be seeing the number one person in my life whom I rely on for support. Conversing over the phone leaves a lot to be desired.

We'll be saving $80.00 but at what cost? To have me feeling disgruntled, hurt, semi-rejected and down this weekend. To have Sam's son need to go with him to work on Sunday for at least part of the day since I'm not there. And maybe even go with him on Saturday afternoon if he is not comfortable staying by himself.

Maybe it is because I know firsthand what this author set out so wisely in words. That in the end, our relationships and love matter more than the gas money. And maybe sometimes the sacrifice has to go in the other direction. Instead of saving the money, the sacrifice comes from spending it. Having written this post, I am left with the niggling feeling that the cost of saving $80.00 won't be worth it. There will be damage from putting off seeing one another, which raises another point - sometimes you have to spend money to save money because it ends up costing more to fix something broken than maintain it in the first place.

Today I am grateful for:

1. The kindness of small business owners allowing checks to be held til the 1st.
2. The fact that the needed van repair was only $336.00 - it could have been worse.
3. The warmth of hot towels fresh from the dryer.
4. The sun which made a pleasant appearance after hiding under the covers most of the month.
5. Electricity. As much as I am getting into burning candles, thank goodness I'm burning them with lights on and that I don't have to read by candlelight!

It Will Find Us

Went to Taco Bell to get the guys a cheap, filling dinner before they went out for their frolicking with friends (I am here on my lonesome and feeling a bit blue and lonely). But enough about that. As I walked up to the counter to place my order, I noticed an older/retired couple eating their dinner. A couple of things went through my mind. First, that it was kind of sad to be eating a New Year's Eve meal at Taco Bell. Then, I felt those surges of jealousy. Why do these people get to be together? Why isn't my husband still with me so in 20 years he and I would be like this couple? But then I took stock of my thoughts and feelings and told myself to knock it off. I smiled at the woman and she smiled back. I thought instead of being jealous that this couple is so lucky to be together - to even have a partner to join them at a crummy Taco Bell. What a blessing, what a gift. I looked at this man and woman and wished them well, wished them love, and felt grateful that they are together. Maybe if I can harness this energy and focus it outward when I see such couples together in the future, it will mean more than my feeling bitter and envious. Seeing this lovely couple gave me hope. I felt the love and connection between them. It is what I so want for myself and my future. And rather than begrudge that, I will celebrate it whenever I cross its path. To love, wherever and however it finds us - with friends, lovers, the soul mates we miss and family. To all those who connect with us in numerous ways throughout our days and to those who reach out to us as we forge ahead. To those who have loved us and those we have loved (even Husband #2) and the love that WILL greet us all in 2010. TO LOVE! It will find us, sometimes when we least expect it. Alone at a Taco Bell on a cold, wintry New Year's Eve. And we need to let it in.

Marriage Reflections

Yesterday while we were with GF (for purposes of this post I will refer to him as Saul), he did something that was so perfectly HIM and what he would do I pointed it out and called it a "Saulism." He agreed with me that his buying three different burritos at the same time when he went in to get dinner was exactly something he'd do. We both laughed and appreciated his measure to save time by buying enough at once to take home and have for other meals/leftovers. I am glad that GF and I have reached the point where I know him well enough to predict what he'd order off the menu or how he'd react to a certain situation. To have gotten to the point where I recognize his quirks and accept them instead of being annoyed by them. This got me to also reflect on what I really valued about marriage to Husband #1 which was the commitment part through thick and thin. There were a number of times in my marriage where I could have thrown in the towel but I didn't. We hung in there and made it to the other side. It was worth that effort not only for the boys but ourselves as well.

When I first started to date after my husband's death, I heard from others how exciting it would be to go through the butterflies and anticipation of getting to know someone again. I actually dreaded that part of the process and if I could have would have fast-forwarded to skip it all. Having been married and survived many challenges within my marriage, all that new dating stuff just seemed like a lot of "fluff" to me. I wanted the substance of really knowing someone. So well that when the doctor comes to you asking what your husband's wishes for treatment would be, you know exactly what they are and feel comfortable relating that to the doctor. It is because you know that person intimately and have lived with them through the challenges as well as the good times.

I resisted dating and getting back out there because I wanted to go right to the solid predictability of what I'd had in my marriage. But of course, we all know that to get to that point you have to go through the early stuff so eventually I started to date because I was lonely and didn't want to be alone. And to be fully honest, I also missed the physical intimacy and sex. My husband was ill for a number of years and during that time sex was a pretty low priority for us. I regretted that after going a few years without any. I promised myself that in the future I'd never take a single sexual encounter for granted again.

It is difficult to date when you have kids and are an only parent. There are no alternating weekends off. So when I met the man who became my second husband and we seemed to get along well, I threw in the towel and stuck with him. I didn't date anyone else and married very quickly, I suppose in a way to cement the intimacy and connection I so much wanted. But a pairing between a widowed mom devoted to her children and a never-married 50-year-old man with very limited relationship experience was not a good fit. He wanted the excitement of the new relationship and I wanted the stability and security of the humdrum married life. I was willing to work through thick and thin. He wanted to be in control because he'd always been able to be. And there were issues between divided loyalty between a husband and the fatherless children from the previous marriage. Husband #2 often said he felt he was in competition with my late husband as well as my boys.

I just wanted my old life back - that of a middle-aged suburban soccer mom. And when given the chance tried to recreate what probably couldn't be, at least with the man I married. I try to limit what I post about Husband #2 out of respect for GF who reads this blog. I still feel tremedous betrayal and hurt over my divorce, although the shock has diminished. It sometimes amazes me that after such loss (a husband dying and the new one divorcing me so quickly) that I could ever experience feelings of love and romance again. But somehow life has gone on and a good, decent, kind guy has hung in there by my side for long enough a time to surpass the honeymoon period to get to that point that means the most to me - knowing someone more deeply and imtimately. This is what matters and is most important. To be able to nod one's head knowingly and smile because your significant other did something you can see him doing. And it is cute and funny and a good thing to have reached that place again.