Friday, April 10, 2009

One Day at a Time

I'm in a terrible low - just not sure what to do, where to go, how to get on with the rest of my life. I have to figure out a plan for a job but am worried my Master's in Psych won't end up paying the bills or cover the boys for college in a few years. So what do I do now? No one seems to have any answers. I think all the people I've been talking to at the career counseling centers don't have a clue. When I got my masters I was married and only wanted to work part-time - I never expected to have my husband die and that I'd end up being the main bread earner. If I had had a crystal ball I would have taken another course of study - most likely in education. But that is all a moot point now.

I need a daytime job with regular set hours. Psych jobs are often only in the evenings or on weekends to accommodate client's daytime school and work hours. I need benefits - we don't have medical insurance. My van has almost 100,000 miles on it. I am worried about those factors too. It is like I have finally hit my bottom. Most mornings I still wake up with a migraine and I know I have been dreaming about Husband #2. I remain haunted by the end of my marriage and the utter cruelty of my husband which I now think boarders on the brink of being emotionally violent.

I am in foreclosure and the threat of losing the house hangs over me like I'm caught in a dark, dense fog that I cannot escape. I have a couple close friends who have been there for me but my family is emotionally distant (my sister has not spoken to me since Thanksgiving and has offered no support in regard to the divorce). That hurts almost as much as being abandoned by Husband #2.

I know you're not supposed to talk or think or feel like this because in our society the message is not to complain but buck up and cope. Even my friends are uncomfortable when I'm in this hopeless/helpless state. I just feel so alone and so tired from the many years of this. Almost like I've reached the limit as to what I can handle.

My Mom and I were very close and I know she would have been there for me with support and advice (especially about the financial stuff). My divorced friends have close families and I just feel like I'm hanging out here all by myself kind of like a flag on a flagpole that is getting tattered in the wind. People are quick to point out that there are many other single moms out there without any family handling things, coping and moving on with life. I'm just having a hard time and don't want my situation compared with others. My life story and personality are different and for whatever reasons I've reached a point here where I feel like giving up. What would happen if I ended up not doing anything from here on out? That would be an interesting concept to consider. Would the outcome be that much different than whatever I may do now consciously?

A friend was responding critically to my mood and I asked him how he thought I should be handling all of this. He told me to just try and live one day at a time. For me right now that might end up being one hour at a time because all I feel like is lying down in bed and not getting up.

Today I am grateful:

1. For the changing seasons.
2. For my education and advanced degree - they may end up taking my house but not that.
3. For my ability to feel, even though what I'm feeling right now is pretty bad.
4. For the pride I felt seeing my oldest at his volleyball meet - I have two great boys despite having suffered such hardship at young ages.
5. For the promise of another day and hopefully one that is less depressing.


  1. Have you considered teaching at a local university or college? You may not be able to get a full –time position with benefits, but your master’s degree qualifies you to teach as an adjunct. Most colleges and universities are fully engulfed in the economic hardships like everyone else, and are cutting back on full-time faculty which opens up positions for more adjuncts. Like I said, no benefits, but it might get your foot in the door for when times change. Just a thought.

  2. i have just found your blog. i feel your sadness and fears. i am on a similar life path. i have lost everything, home, car, and husband through a sudden death. i'm crawling back but i don't know where back will be. this is not the venue for my woes but for me to let you know i saw myself in the emotions behind your words. maybe not exactly kindred spirits but we have probably passed each other on this trek. i divorced my first husband. my second husband was my soul mate. he's been dead three months today.

    it never really makes me feel better when someone metaphorically puts their arm around me to say "i feel your pain" but it never made me feel worse. i'd rather not be known for that. instead i'll try to be like Erma Bombeck in her "Portrait of a Friend." i won't say "i know how you feel." i'll simply be here to read whatever you decide to share and know, as is the case in my blog, there are things that even with the anonymity of our masks here, we will not speak of.

    my heartfelt wishes for resolution and a balance to the pain.