Friday, April 17, 2009

End all Endings with Love

I recently read about a concept that just blew me away - it is the intention to end all things with love. No further explanation is needed - just end a phone call with love; end an argument with love; say goodnight or goodbye with love and so on. This totally resonates with me because it is how I am consciously trying to live my life and since my husband's death, I have been well aware of the need for all of us to focus on love. Love diffuses bitterness, anger, resentment and hate. Anger in particular has no where to go if it is met by love.

I am thinking of all of this as I make plans to retrieve my possessions from the house of my ex-husband on Sunday. I had a girlfriend call him to finalize the details and she reported that he is just so angry with me. Furious might be a better word. He told her I will not be allowed into his home and if I do not show up on time, he is not going to wait. He made a couple more unkind comments. This is just so hard for me to deal with. I can't understand the extent of his fury and resentment. My attorney commented that he is going to punish me to the very end. The way I see it, he has gotten the divorce he wanted and in the process destroyed me financially. What more does he want?

I was divorced without any formal explanation as to his reasons why; he refused to speak with me throughout the proceedings; he did not say goodbye to me or the boys; he failed to uphold the agreement we had made regarding my move to his state (I was going to move on 7/23/08 after the boy's summer baseball season ended, but he told me on 7/7 that he was divorcing me); he told me this over the phone, long-distance and then hung up on me; he lied about other things; he was not supportive during my Mom's illness and death as well as when my home was struck by a tornado and I had to clean out her large home after she died; he divorced me knowing I didn't have a job and hadn't looked for one in 10 years (he also knew we really only had the money to survive through the end of July on our own). The worst of it all is that as a result of this divorce I will probably lose my home.

I also feel pretty betrayed because I made a huge sacrifice in marrying my husband, one that I did not take lightly. He suffers from Retarded/Delayed Ejaculation and has NEVER had an orgasm (in any way) with any woman (and it was even difficult for him to have one with himself). But I accepted that aspect of our sex life and was willing to live with it. If I put on my counselor hat I would say that maybe much of his anger is really at himself or a way for him to feel masculine and powerful because of his sexual issues (which are emotional in nature, not physical). Since I'm on a roll here and this is my only outlet for venting about this, he also did not date in H.S. or college, was a virgin until age 25 and had been in fewer than 5 relationships. He went long periods (5 or more years) without even one date (or sex). What is that saying about not marrying a man who has never been married by the time he is 50? Maybe some people are just not cut out to be married. I wish he had realized that before taking me on the roller coaster ride that became our marriage.

And one last thing - did I mention that his nickname (behind his back) at work is Prick? I'm serious! How people treat others is a pretty good indication of how you'll be treated. I begged for marriage counseling - he adamantly refused. What bothers me the most is his inability to look at his own issues as being contributors to the problems of the marriage. He has presented his version of the situation to his friends and family and no one has heard mine. This post is my opportunity to do that even though it will not reach those who should hear it.

Yet despite all this I've tried to focus over the last nine months on the love I've felt for this man. And on Sunday I will do my best to end this marriage with love. Who knows if he'll make an appearance personally or talk to me if he does. But regardless if he is present or hiding in his house, I will be thinking of, focusing on and sending out feelings of love. There isn't any other way, although it is far easier to lash out hatefully and unkindly. I will not do that.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I am able to end this marriage with love (although that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt beyond words and that my heart is still broken).
2. That I met a man with whom I can now have a realistic, mature, mutually satisfying and whole relationship with.
3. That this man has treated me with love and respect every step of the way and has patiently helped me heal from the loss of my second marriage.
4. That I feel ready to close the door on this chapter of my life and move forward into the future.
5. That I've tried to become a better person by working through my issues (unlike my ex).

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