In honor of tax season, I am posting about my accountant. He was sexually inappropriate with me last year and now that I am divorced, his actions have escalated and include physical contact. I am feeling angry, exploited, disrespected and vulnerable. The fact that I've paid him a lot of money adds insult to injury because I feel as though I've actually paid for this abuse!
I have great trouble standing up for myself and part of my hesitation in this case is that I need to keep on good terms with him because he knows my financial history and would have to intervene with the IRS if necessary in the future. It is too late and costly to go to someone else. Why I thought things would be different this year, I now don't know. I guess this helps prove that theory that leopards don't change their spots. Maybe he has a knack for hitting on vulnerable women? I put the matter behind me last year after I reconciled with Husband #2 and he came in with me to the office - the accountant sure behaved himself when Husband #2 was with me!
The latest in this saga was yesterday when the accountant wanted me to pick up my completed return at his home. All I want is to have a strictly business/professional relationship with the guy. Here I am again in another situation that forces me to do something that is outside my comfort zone and makes me extremely anxious. More hassle in an already hassle-packed life!
What I am realizing about all this is that the strongest feelings I am experiencing have to do with not having a man in my life to protect me from all this. It is not the feelings of abuse or anger that are top here. Instead, I am feeling vulnerable with a victim mentality. I am feeling like as a widow, I am even more at risk for being taken advantage of. Along with those feelings are the ones that if I were still married, I wouldn't have to be dealing with this - so it is just more punishment for my situation.
For me, the hardest part of widowhood is and has been not having a husband by my side. I just don't want to face life alone (especially the hardships and conflicts). I know couples have to face both individual and joint difficulties, but in my mind anything is more bearable if you're married. It is what is most important to me. I don't want to deny that but to face it in hopes that it will help me understand myself and my actions better. To me, marriage represents safety, security and stability and part of me believes that I won't have these unless I am married.
Bottom line though - I'm not married and I have to face a crummy situation on my own. One that involves standing up for myself so my dignity and honor remain intact. There's no knight coming in on a horse to defend me on this one. I know that would be the easy way out, but maybe just once or twice here I'd like to have that happen. To be taken care of instead of doing all the caring, day in and day out for both myself and the boys.
Today I am grateful:
1. For my boys. I need to stay focused on the knowledge that as long as they are healthy and whole, my world is complete as it is.
2. For books - my strength and refuge.
3. For Barnes & Noble and Borders. I could probably live my life without another new outfit but could not say the same about a new book to read.
4. For bagels - maybe the perfect comfort food because they can be considered a healthier indulgence.
5. For brides and the wedding season and all that marriage represents. Even though my marriages did not end as I'd hoped, I am grateful for the opportunity to have been a bride.