I still struggle on a daily basis with feelings of loss and tremendous sadness concerning my divorce from Husband #2. It is like this terrible sore that just won't heal. I continue to have nightmares and migraines on an almost nightly basis about my ex. There is this continuous loop that just keeps repeating itself - I play over all aspects of our "marriage" and what I did or didn't do. I know there are any number of reasons why this could be happening. For one, I think that the divorce happening so soon after Husband #1 and my Mom died has made it much more difficult to get through. Looking back now, I believe that I hadn't even really grieved my husband's death before I started to help care for my seriously ill parents. So my grief over his death was kind of put on hold. When Husband #2 filed for divorce, it opened up the floodgates for all the grief left over from Husband #1, which just kind of combined with and increased the grief I felt about the divorce. And it doesn't help of course, to be facing all kinds of financial hardship on top of everything else.
Yesterday, my close girlfriend met me at the high school to watch my oldest at his Volleyball match. As we sat in the bleachers, I asked her how she would stop thinking about her ex if she were in my situation. She told me that she would focus on the new man in her life and whenever a thought popped into her head about the ex, she'd force herself to think of the new guy. I also talked to my sister last night and asked her the same question. She also told me to focus on the new guy in my life, to leave the past in the past and to look ahead to the future. One of her comments was that the past is way, way gone - there is nothing we can do about it now. She added that life is short - far too short for continued angst and agony.
Life is far too short for me to continue to beat myself up over a relationship that was not meant to be. It is time for me to really move on and release the pain and regrets I have over what wasn't. For me, I think that I hold on to all of this because as long as I do, I still have the people I've lost with me. It has always been very hard for me to give up the past and to move on. But if ever there was a time to do so it is now. And maybe it is as simple as consciously committing to and concentrating on what is active and alive in your life.
Today I am grateful:
1. For family.
2. For friends.
3. For TAZO Awake tea.
4. For the belief that being a good, kind person will in the end bring more peace and comfort than doing something spiteful to Husband #2 (like sprinkling a product on his lawn that will kill all the grass).
5. That my boys are popular and well-liked.