Friday, July 10, 2009

Another Friday Alone (Depressed, Lonely, Sad)

I am having a tough night, alone at home with the boys both out. I reluctantly let the oldest have the car to go to the movies because I work Sat. and Sun. I guess I am also feeling guilty at our probable move to an apartment, so I try and give in to the boys when I can. But the end result is that I am here stuck at home and reading isn't cutting it. I'm depressed and eating too many M & Ms. I had plans to go out with a friend and now wish I had done so as I work the rest of the weekend and next week will be spent on a final push in getting the house ready for showings. I signed the real estate listing contract today and I suppose am feeling down about that too. At the store today they had the Righteous Brother's Unchained Melody song playing over the intercom and I started sobbing. It is a beautiful song. It made me want to have the kind of relationship the words described.

I am too young, vibrant, intelligent, attractive, interesting, loving, caring, kind-hearted of a person to be alone on a Friday night like this. I want and need to share my life with a committed partner. The boys are only growing older and will be off to college before I know it. I do not want to be having this same discussion with a blog post five years from now - complaining about being sad and lonely!

I would like to feel wanted and desired. To have a male companion who values his time with me and is eager to hear what I have to say about life and the world. I should and need to be out on a dinner date sipping a glass of wine right now. But then there is this part of me that is stuck in this depressive mode saying that it won't happen. I'm too old, my chance is over, I blew it with husband #2, there is something wrong with me, no on will want me now that I've failed financially, etc. and all that. I go back and forth between the two like I'm on a swing, from feeling high to low.

Part of the problem is that I have come to believe that it is much harder for widowed moms to date and socialize than divorced moms. That is my opinion because we're doing all the parenting and have less free time to spare. I also think that we're more drained and sometimes don't want to go out because of that.

That line I hear all the time about love finding you when you're not looking and least expect it is pure bunk! I didn't look for love for 2 1/2 years after my husband died and didn't have a date until I registered online with a dating service and started putting myself out there. It takes such energy to date and build relationships here in mid-life and as an only parent.

Tonight I gave the van to my son out of the goodness of my heart. It was a sacrifice on my part. But I think I need to be concentrating on myself every once in a while or I may just end up a bitter, mean-spirited old woman who yells at little kids for cutting through her yard and even watches for them out her window, ending up scaring them and having then call her a witch. I don't think this is a real likely scenario but you never know - I need to recharge and regroup too if only to maintain my sanity.

I haven't had much time to devote to myself at all since my husband's death and maybe I need that more that I need a date right now. Some selfish time for healing, reflection, and doing whatever I want to do when I want to do it (within reason of course). E.g., I wish I'd thought of going along with my son to the movies - I could have sat in another show while he and his friends saw the teen flick they wanted! Or go out to lunch, browse in an antique shop, start knitting a new pattern.

And maybe this is just one of those low points that will pass in a day or two and I need to ride out the storm until I see the clouds break. What makes this really crummy is that being a widow with virtually no support, yes there are times it is overwhelming and I feel down and out. But the only way out is to climb out myself - there is no one beside me holding out their hand and saying, "Here, let me give you some of my strength." I'm already depleted, depressed but it'll have to be me who gives myself a hand in order to get out of this. And that aspect of this life is the ultimate irony. To be in a place where I need help but I only have myself to rely on - and when you're at a low point, purely funcitioning on a minimal level is almost a miracle in and of itself.

So, to recap, this is what I've gotten out of all my gibberish:
- I don't want to live the rest of my life alone (without a committed partner)
- it is hard to find a committed partner when you're a widowed mom
- I need to start caring for myself or I might become a witch/bitch
- I'm a valuable woman, deserving of a partner and with a whole lot of good stuff to give that I want to give
- There are times when I'm going to be down simply because of my current life situation because I am not yet a Saint
- It is unbearably difficult to have little support and to have to rely on my own strength to constantly pick myself up, move on and get out from under the funk
- I still have to keep living with or without another husband/partner by my side - I have to try and find fulfillment and happiness in my life

Today I am grateful:

1. That I got to hear the Unchained Melody song.
2. That the kitchen light was fixed and we have a bright kitchen again!
3. That I got the right tool needed to cut out some carpet that I need to do in the family room.
4. For my cats who lie in my lap while I am reading.
5. For the opportunity to go to bed early tonight.

6 comments:

  1. i'm so sorry to read of your awful day. i know nothing to say to improve your mood. i do know that if were sitting over tea or wine, i would tell you that you deserve to be loved. i would tell you that love it isn't over for you unless you want it to be over. you had it once. you can find it again if that is your want. you are an intelligent woman with a passion for life. and it's kicked you in the teeth - several times. but you haven't quit. it's okay to wallow. wallowing is good. we need it at times to get the self pity out of our systems. i love wallowing. and then you get yourself up and i see you do this time and time again with your 'Today I am grateful' closings to your blogs.

    you want things still from life. you deserve them. it won't be easy but nothing worthwhile ever is. a cliche but it just works out to be true. you'll find it. you'll find happiness again. you are too strong to not find it.

    have your wallow. enjoy it. and know that tomorrow is another chance. i think with all your financial problems, you're in a better frame of mind than i am. but maybe it's because it's still so recent for me. less than 6 months.

    i'm thinking of you. and you won't be alone for long. your sons will be home.

    be good to yourself.

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  2. I think you are an amazing woman! I read your most recent post tonight and was so awestruck I couldn't think of a way to respond. Your words are works or art and I appreciate that you have taken the time out of your day to read my posts and convey such heartfelt words of wisdom. I never thought about being able to find happiness again because I am strong and I'll keep looking out there for it until it is returned to me. Thank you so much for this thought - I haven't given up yet!

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  3. You are never too old to find love. I did when I was 65!! Keep looking and by all means, go online to find a 'fella--just get to know them via e-mail before you give them your phone number and get to know them via phone before you meet them. It'll happen!!! Right now...take the time to get to know you--don't jump into anything just for something to do. I had come to the point where I was comfortable and even loved to be alone and then--along came Mr. Right--I almost passed him up because I loved my aloneness so much :-) but didn't and glad I didn't.

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  4. Wow, what a great blog post! So sorry you're feeling depressed, but sometimes we just have to trudge through these terrible days. Here is a great song that always picks me up when I'm down.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI

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  5. Melissa in Boston, MAJuly 12, 2009 at 5:47 PM

    Hi... I'm so sorry you're sad, and I know it's easy for me to say this (and I don't even know you)... but please don't give up. If you found love before, you can find it again. When you're ready and the time is right. It's hard to be lonely, though -- I hear you.

    And I don't mean to be nosy or give unsolicited advice, but I had a thought. You mentioned that the label "divorced" is much harder than "widowed." I think you should wipe the slate clean on your divorce, in your mind... consider it annulled, not divorced, if you will. You know, like a Catholic annullment -- it negates it; it fully "undoes" it; it never happened. Look at that marriage as a rebound relationship that happened because you were so deeply grieving your late husband; a bad decision that's now undone. Based on your earlier postings, I think something was very seriously wrong with your ex-husband (playing armchair psychiatrist here!), and that would certainly be grounds for annulment. Frankly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't even consider myself divorced... I'd still consider myself a widow. I don't even think you have to mention it to people in general (or even anyone you decide to date, especially in the early stages).

    That's not to say there aren't real ramifications that you're dealing with as a result of the end of that so-called marriage (because you are dealing with them), I just don't think you should feel tainted in any way by the divorce. It doesn't sound to me like it was your fault at all.

    Hugs,
    m

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  6. Melissa -

    I so much appreciate your kind comments and insights. You've provided me with another way of looking at my second marriage. I don't consider it a rebound relationship because I really did love him. Although our courtship was a kind of a surreal, whirlwind fairy tale. Not real or based in reality when the fantasy wore off for him. But it really represented a new beginning and hope for me. A terribly hard blow after having had a husband die.

    Although I agree with you that Husband #2 had some serious issues, I have to also look at myself and my actions too. I did marry him having some reservations about his sexuality and his lack of prior long-term relationships. I "overlooked" some of the warning signals my gut was telling me because I so much wanted the happy ending after the suffering I'd endured. But I would concede that he probably had more issues than me!

    I like your references to the annulment. It was a marriage that shouldn't have been. I wish I could have gotten one. I do consider myself still a widow (especially since Husband #2 and I never lived together). I have grown a lot because of the marriage/divorce. I sometimes think we met so I could end up teaching something to him as part of his life lessons. That also helps me feel like the relationship/marriage was not a total waste.

    Thanks again so much - hugs back! I feel better!

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