So in the end it all comes down to this. A blog constantly complaining about the trials and tribulations of being a widowed, middle-aged mom. I am on a freaking merry-go-round and just can't seem to get off. Round and round she goes...
This morning awakened to an ice storm from last night and can't get the vehicles scraped off. My car doors were stuck shut and I asked the nice young dad from downstairs for his muscle strength since the boys had already left for school. He got one of the doors opened but I looked at my ice covered windows and came back in for a cup of tea and a blogging gripe session before heading out to do the job. I don't want to. It will probably take me a half hour in the cold and then I'm off to work. I'm already tired and it is only Monday morning. How can someone be tired on Monday morning? I'm tired and drained every day!
I know that I've been posting more positive posts of late, but then an ice storm comes and it just blasts me back 10 steps. Everyone here is sick of winter. When they announced the winter storm advisory last night my youngest groaned out loud.
I wish I had the personality to turn this around with a more positive spin. Thinking/saying that having to go out and scrape a thick layer of ice off my vehicle to get to my "temporary low level job" makes me feel alive because I'm using my muscles and exerting myself in the fresh air. But I'm not that person in the first place and after a number of years of widowhood I haven't become stronger doing everything on my own, just more tired and depleted.
It is not the grief and loss that gets to you in the end - it is the living and doing and coping and struggling on one's own that does you in. At least that is my opinion on this widowhood road. Far more hardships than pleasures and somehow always having the scale tip downward seems a darn shame. Widowhood life is just so unbalanced. There needs to be more "evenkeeledness." But how can there ever be more balance when one is always behind, running to catch up, low on rest, sleep and relaxation and always doing the work of two? It's a no win situation if you ask me. And then throw in a freaking ice storm when it is almost impossible to just keep up when life is "normal" and I'm ready to throw in the towel or should I say ice scraper!
Thank God you didn't do a 'positive spin' on yet another storm. You have plenty of character already. Sometimes all I can do is cry out "help!" or some other colorful words I won't print here. One thing this widowhood is teaching me is self compassion and this means crying uncle every once in a while, whether anybody's listening or not. So yes, it stinks every now and again. Write away!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI just started reading your blog--I have much to go, but I read your profile, and enough to posts to feel the need to reach out to you. This is probably going to sound totally off the wall to you if you haven't heard of it--there are a lot of companies out there that hire work at home customer service representatives, and some of them offer insurance benefits after 90 days. You won't get rich doing it, but typically there are both full and part time hours and if a person has good computers and people skills it can be a great way to have a steady job, benefits and there are sometimes places for advancement- especially with degrees. I did that at my first one and stayed for 5 years. I just wanted to throw it out as an option after I read- and now can't find- your post about insurance--I'm disabled and knowing I had the option of their group insurance let me sleep easy at night. :)
I've been a widow for 9 months and on top of losing my best friend, we here in New England have had the worst winter in like 10 yrs. I am tired of shoveling, chipping, scraping etc. Sometimes feel like the world is working against me. Hange in there. It is March and heading toward better weather
ReplyDelete"It is not the grief and loss that gets to you in the end - it is the living and doing and coping and struggling on one's own that does you in." In agreement, though, grief and the loss of my husband still hovers over me, quietly, but it's there. Hoping that Spring will show up soon and no more scraping, shoveling, etc.
ReplyDeleteMuch love!!!
Flo - Love and appreciate your comment and insight on this!
ReplyDeleteChris - Thanks for your suggestion. Any and all are appreciated. I'll check it out. Maybe this will also be helpful to someone else too.
Anonymous - It is still so hard at 9 months so I wish you strength and hope right now. For me, the winter months were/are the absolute worst to face on my own. But spring is around the corner!
Beth - Sometimes I think that life was so hard for me to manage after my husband died, that I really didn't have an opportunity to grieve. So I understand what you mean about the loss hanging over you. Maybe I just am too busy to realize that my loss is still hovering too.
Thank you so much for sharing the info. about your retreat. It sounds perfect and I am definitely going to make plans to go on my own mini get away. Can I ask what propelled you to go? The need for reflection, time away from the kids/home, a chance to recharge?
Dear WITM: I knew I needed to get away, away from my life, even for just a short weekend. It just so happened that "The Cove" started the individual retreats and I had been there once before for a group retreat for widows. I wanted some ALONE time, no planned activities, just time for me. Since it was only a couple hours away from where I live, it was the perfect place (I LOVE the NC mountains) so I took "the plunge". Although I went there to be alone, I met some wonderful people on their own individual retreats -- all dealing with different issues in their lives. What was amazing (and sad) was that I met a woman that I once knew when we lived in Connecticut. I hadn't seen her in 20+ years. My husband and I, and she and her husband were just beginning a friendship when my husband got a job back in NC and we moved. I shared about George and then she shared about her husband. She was a widow also. :( We spent hours talking together about our situations. It was somber and healing at the same time. I am hoping to go back, this time taking a friend who is a widow. Just waiting to see if it will work out.
ReplyDeleteFor you -- go for it. Take some time for you. You deserve it, you need it, even if it is only for a couple of days.
Beth - Interesting that you met someone from your past who had lost her husband too... I have come to believe there may be reasons for the people in our lives at the times we meet them. My best girlfriend went on her own retreat to Missouri last summer. It was a religious seminar and she met another woman there whose husband had left her for a man (which is why my friend is divorced). This woman lives in the town over from us and she and my friend spent a lot of time at the retreat talking, crying and sharing. Although I can be there for my friend in a lot of ways I haven't had a gay husband (and for an extremely religious woman this situation was torture). I know it helps me to be/talk with other widows so I think God had a hand in bringing my friend and her "new" friend together.
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