Saturday, February 18, 2012

Waiting Out the Days

In just six months, my youngest will be on the campus of his college for Freshman Orientation Week! Wow! When I look ahead to that milestone, I can see that time is rolling forward to our new beginning. Yet all the same, time seems to be progressing so dreadfully slowly.

You would think that after everything, these last few months would be a breeze to get through. But I am finding that not the case. It is getting harder for me to wait out these final days. My girlfriend, a teacher, agrees with me on this. She says the hardest weeks for her to get through are the four-day ones, when they should be easier.

As usual, am feeling the winter blues when the "greyness" of winter makes me want to scream! But I am so grateful that essentially this has been a very mild winter season, certainly the most mild that I recall in the past 10 years. Bad PMS again this week. I need to anticipate this better and realize that my low mood and motivation come at this time of the month. Once it passes, I am like a new person, again ready to take on the world.

Why do we so often feel the need to beat ourselves up for being human? This was a weekend where I had plans to be more productive but just wasn't. I am often alone at home with my youngest out and about doing all the social activities Senior high schoolers are involved with. It is a bit depressing for me as I contemplate the life changes being a widowed-empty-nester will bring. My energy level is so sapped I only read, clean, cook, organize or knit halfheartedly. But really, is this so bad? So I spend a couple days moping about in pjs doing not much of anything. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things, this little rest will be restoring in and of itself.

Tomorrow I will try to get out for a walk. Celebrity Apprentice starts, which my son and I will eagerly watch together. I will put more effort into my actions knowing that the work week starts anew and luckily, my hours are being increased at my request. That might help with keeping me preoccupied and active as I wait out these final days of winter and those leading up to my move and new life. Right now I am in a holding pattern. I've put off looking at communities to move to until it is Spring but I think once I am actively involved in the process it will help with the passing of time. This is a limbo period, yet my soul is itching to get going and I want it all now. Enough waiting! Yet somehow when we were little we all made it through the long agony of waiting for Santa to arrive. And even as an adult I have made it through months of anticipation and waiting - for my weddings, college graduations, the birth of my sons.

Only those times I wasn't on my own. I had caring partners by my side to help distract me and support me emotionally. It seems that the days are longer, waiting out the days now as a widow.

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