Dialogue from "To Have and to Hold" by Jane Green:
"I feel so happy that I don't have to go into Manhattan anymore and stand next to Joe making boring small talk with the boring wife of one of his clients, and then five minutes later I'm terrified. I can't believe that I'm going to be a divorcee, that I'm never going to wake up and see Joe lying next to me. THAT THERE ISN'T ANYONE TO STAND UP FOR ME, OR STEP IN FOR ME, OR TAKE OVER WHEN THINGS GET TOO DIFFICULT."
"I know," Emily says. "That's the bastard about being single. You have to do everything yourself. But on the plus side, you haven't got anyone telling you what to do. You can eat Ben & Jerry's for breakfast, lunch and supper if you want."
Alice snorts. "If you want what? If you want to grow into the size of a house?"
I am snorting too. I'm too tired, drained, discouraged and disillusioned most of the time to do anything fun for myself anyway. What is the point? I'd much rather be sharing life with a partner right now taking out the garbage on a shared basis than have a choice of whatever I want to eat.
This week I have to figure out how to get the van towed and looked at for a repair estimate. The sedan needs to be repaired as I have to drive my son to a talent competition at the end of the week about 300 miles away. Arrangements need to be completed for that - what my son will wear, etc. and plans for having a place to stay for my youngest while we're gone. I still need to figure out if we'll stay over in a hotel or make the trip in one day. Have to work Mon - Fri on my feet, the boys have finals this week, and I want to go through some of my father's things as his memorial service is on the 16th. Also need to figure out financial aid applications for my oldest - gosh, I hope that can be postponed to next week!
All of that and still I need to do laundry, make dinner, shop (although maybe this week we'll rely more on fast prepared options). How am I going to drop off the sedan and then get to work? I'm hoping the guys at the body shop will drive me but then there is the need for a ride back to the shop from work. It is too long a distance to walk.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with too many decisions to make and too much to do. Now is the time I could use that help Jane Green refers to - someone to step in for me to give me a hand.
The above photo is just one of the piles of laundry currently in our home. This is of the boys' clothing. We have another of towels, my stuff and a huge bag of white socks that I seem to never get to - it just stays in the closet. At $3.00 to do a load of wash, I ration it out, doing what has to be done. Then there is the issue of getting a chance to do the laundry anyway, as it seems whenever I go downstairs both machines are occupied. In my home, I had a super capacity washer and dryer - these machines don't allow me to fill them with half of what I'm used to.
Today, I've managed to get two loads done despite having to wait until late afternoon for a free machine. I plan on doing another load so the laundry basket stacked up halfway along the wall and pictured above will be greatly reduced.
And with that I sign off. It is so cold and dark and I am tired and just want a day where there isn't so much to do, plan, think about and decide by myself.