I have recently received some comments from womanNshadows, Sari, Bec and Judy S. that were just what I needed to hear. These past weeks I have been in such a struggle to try and be happy despite all the grief surrounding me and I also have been struggling with the concept of trying to see the good in my husband's death.
These women gave me some insight that I was unable to see myself - that it is okay to be grieving during this time and not be happy; that some losses can't be gotten through so you live on despite the loss and make the best of your future; that the death of a good husband is crappy and there may not be any good to be found in the loss; and the biggest key is to cultivate joy and happiness in one's life even having faced significant loss. That happiness can be found again in spite of the previous pain and suffering.
My mind has become much less burdened by the wisdom of these kind souls who took the time to convey their thoughts and beliefs to me. I feel so much more free to be able to acknowledge that I don't need to"get over" my husband's death - yes, I'll need to adapt and cope but it is not an event that I'll ever totally "get through." I love the concept of experiencing future happiness - that perhaps the greatest testament to my strength and healing will be to go on and experience joy despite the hardships.
Today at work I adapted some of these ideas to my feelings of dissatisfaction with my current job. I thought to myself that this is a job I took as a temporary bridge to being in some income while I sell my house and get my feet back on the ground. No where is it written in stone that this will be the last job I'll ever have. As my life stabilizes, I'll be in a better position to pursue jobs in my field of social services. For now, it is what it is - and that is okay (thanks to womanNshadows for this perspective). Again, I felt such relief and a weight off my shoulders.
The hardships will eventually lessen - someday soon I'll be back in my field doing the work I love. It'll all be okay - right now this is where I'm at on the path - and the fact that my feet are even hitting the road is a good place to be.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the beautiful park in our center of town
2. For the misty half-moon I can see from the window
3. For Poptarts (sometimes I really just have a craving for them!)
4. For this year's set of Fall magazines coming out soon
5. For geometric coloring books, find-it puzzles and word searches (so adults can have fun too)