Monday, July 6, 2009

Difficult Choices and Tasks

Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever done - apply to lease an apartment. I have never lived in an apartment (not even in college when I joined a sorority specifically so I wouldn't have to live in a dorm or apartment). I went to two places and cried throughout the process. The first complex would not accept me because I have over five credit card bills I am paying on. I am still waiting for approval with the second complex.

I took the boys over to see the model apartment (we'd be leasing the largest) and they found it acceptable except for the distance from their school. We live down the street from the high school now which has been very fortunate. I am going to lease a two bedroom and give each boy their own room if we do have to move. I'll sleep on a pullout sofa in the living room. I let the boys gripe because I know they are upset with the possibility of us moving from a 2,500 sq. foot home to an apartment half that size. But I won't take much more griping because I am doing the best I can and it is better than living on the street.

I am worried about not getting approval but my close girlfriend in town has offered to let us stay with her and today my male friend offered the same. But his home is 30 miles away and it would be hard to get the boys to school as they want to remain there. I have also thought about living at an extended stay hotel but that would be tough too - just one living area containing two beds and kitchen area. We would probably all drive each other crazy! But again it would be better than being totally homeless.

My attorney handling the foreclosure says the lender does want to try and renegotiate but I am not sure I want to do so now. I am so worn out at trying to clean and maintain this home and it is basically falling apart around us because I lack the funds to keep it up. The utilities alone cost me an extra $500.00 monthly. And I can barely get to the needed lawn work outside - I already use a mowing service (we have a double lot).

On Friday I am signing the real estate contract to list the house - it is worth a shot to see if I can sell it in today's market. The earliest we would have to move would be October but it looks more likely to be December if the renegotiation doesn't go through and it doesn't sell. I just want all this to be over and for it to be settled and put to rest. I am sick of worrying on my own with no one to support my morale or decisions. I feel utterly exhausted today after my running around, which included checking at the storage facility for a bigger unit which I'll need, paying the water and cell phone bills and grocery shopping. Since I work Fri.-Sat. I have to play catchup on Mondays.

I am proud of doing what I had to today but am still almost physically sick with anxiety and fear over all the future what ifs. I got no house cleaning or any yard work done but I think this had to be attended to - the process started to see where I stand and what needs to be done next.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I did what had to be done.
2. That I survived a very difficult situation for me.
3. That my friends have offered their assistance to me and continue to stand by me.
4. That the leasing agent told me things will get better in the future.
5. To have a place (blogging) to relate my fears, hopes, emotions and life circumstances.


  1. i feel deeply for you. i wish we could talk. i know quite a bit about what you have written of above, practically homeless, living in motels, but i had my husband with me. our financial situation was terrible but we had each other.

    i now live alone in an apartment. it isn't home, but it is. there is a lot to my story that i have no addressed in the blog as it is quiet personal. i have been through a lot of what you are now facing, and if you wish, and it is entirely up to you, email me so that i hear all the things you cannot write. i feel your fear and your pain acutely. but by a hair's breath, the quilts i make keep me in this apartment, along with help from my two adult children.

    i am here for you if you wish to talk more privately about your fears and your stress. i will not press.

  2. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
    ~ Eleanor Roosevelt~

    Way to go! It completely sucks that we keep having to deal with real life alone, but since there is no (acceptable) alternative I’m proud of you for facing it.

  3. womanNshadows - I am in awe that you would have the kindness inside you to offer your support to me, especially since you are still navigating your own journey from recent loss. I am grateful to know that you are out there and I hope that we can mutually provide one another comfort and support in the future.

    Ann - Thank you for the quote and your verbal pat on the back. Both helped and it was nice to hear from you again.