All of the empowerment books I have been reading have stressed the need to find the good in any situation, including my latest read, "Embracing Uncertainty - Breakthrough Methods For Achieving Peace of Mind When Facing the Unknown" by Susan Jeffers, PhD. Try as I might, I am unable to come up with any positives from the death of my first husband. In these books it is interesting to note that the examples given do not include death. For instance, the author might talk about finding the good in losing your job or losing money in the stock market. Where is the good in leaving two boys fatherless at ages 9 and 10? Or leaving your wife in financial duress so that the house is in foreclosure? You might be able to stretch the situation a bit and say that certain blessings came about after the death but I will remain steadfast in my belief that not all situations contain good within them.
I have also struggled with the concept of happiness, especially since husband #2 left me. Is it possible for people to be happy in the face of intense pain, grief and adversity? I believe there can be moments of happiness but that there might be periods in our life where we're just not going to be happy.
In facing the loss of our home I am swept back to the numbness I felt in the early days following my husband's death. I am functioning on autopilot - if I think too much, I'll hurt too much. For now, it is all I can do to get by. How in the world can someone in this state be charged with finding the good in their terrible situation, as well as trying to be happy? I don't even want to be happy right now. I want to grieve and mourn this new loss that stems from the death of my husband. It is a time for tears and not laughter.
Today I am grateful:
1. For the opportunity to see my boys play baseball.
2. That I had Friday night off (somewhat of a rarity).
3. That the rain held until after the game.
4. That I got a fair amount of knitting done while watching the game.
5. That I can sleep in a little tomorrow.