I want my old life back - I don't want to be living this new life anymore. I want things to be the way they used to be. When I was married I had security, safety and financial stability. I was part of a team and felt like I fit into my community. This new life has been depleting, draining and devastating. I can't think of anything good that has resulted from my husband's death. I feel alone and depressed. Handling everything on my own (over the years) has become harder, not easier. I honestly wish there were some way I could resign from this life, like I was at a job. Hang up the work apron and say, "I've had it, I can't take this anymore." I don't want this life - I just want things to be the way they were when my husband was alive. The advice is to move on with your life. But how do you do that when living is just so hard and you're so tired? The other problem is that I had a good life before and I can't just erase those memories and make them disappear. Of course I am going to compare my current life with my old one. Of course I am going to want to have what I had before because it was better. It scares me to no end to imagine my life not improving and for me to have to continue with this struggling. I wish I were a more optimistic person and able to say that I am looking forward to the future and all the riches it will bring. But right now I only want to go back to what I knew and remember because it was a decent life and I was happy.
Today I am grateful:
1. For Peanut M & Ms (I wish I had some right now - that super-sized bag).
2. For Strawberry Twizzlers (I also wish I had that super-sized package right now).
3. For soft pillows to rest our heads on after long, hard days.
4. For friends who worry that you are okay and call because you have been too busy to keep in touch.
5. For my boys.