Saturday, May 23, 2009

Hitting Bottom (Again)

Woke up this a.m. to see an odd site in the front lawn - we were "forked" with dozens of white, plastic forks stuck into the newly mowed grass! I figured it was some kids who know the boys. I love that they are popular but it can be a double-edged sword. We've gotten t.p.ed by girls trying to get the attention of my youngest; egged by some boys jealous of my oldest. Then tonight, my oldest called me while I was still at work around 10:30. He was very unsettled and reported that someone had dumped ketchup on the driveway and thrown oatmeal on the car. I know it is still probably kids who know the boys but it is bothersome. The pranksters who did the forking did so right outside my open window last night and I did not hear a thing.

I guess where this is all leading tonight is that I am simply tired of living on my own as an only mom. I want a male presence around to help make me feel safer and secure. I've just worked eight hours and it is late. Now I have to come home and face such silliness. I don't have the energy or good humor anymore to deal with this kind of stuff. I wish I could laugh it off and make light of it. But at this time there are too many other problems to face and this kind of thing really puts me over the edge.

Oh, and to top it all off, in the mail was a rejection letter denying the boys state medical insurance coverage. And darn it that Monday is a holiday because now I'll have to worry about all this another day before getting some kind of answer. In the past five years the absolutely worst feeling I have had has been when I have not been able to provide for my boys adequately. To be facing no insurance right now is extremely upsetting to me. I have no choice but to look for another job that will enable me to have coverage. I am scheduled to work only 19.5 hours next week, way below the 35 I was originally promised.

I have really hit another low point and slump. It is hard for me to feel hopeful and many of my thoughts are focused on how I should have moved out of state sooner with my second husband instead of choosing to delay the move to care for my dying Mom. But of course I didn't have a crystal ball to see into the future. Never in a million years when I first got married and had the boys would I have believed this would have been my destiny. Nor would I have believed that after remarrying, my second husband would dump us and leave us in financial and emotional tatters.

Today I am taking a break from my grateful/thankful list on purpose. I am tired and have to go back to work again tomorrow morning. I hope I can sleep some of this sadness off. I wish my life was not such a struggle and hardship right now. I keep thinking I've hit my bottom but then I hit an even lower point so I guess I'm still not there yet. But I'm not sure there is any lower point to go from here - we're pretty darn low!

My friend says that I cannot dwell on the past and what might have been because it is over and no longer an option. He says I have to focus on the future. Easier said than done.


  1. With respect to your friend, he has no idea. Sometimes you find yourself back down in the pit despite all the effort you have been putting in to climbing out of it. You have been through so much over the past few years, it is totally natural that at times it will all be too much to handle.
    At times like these all you can do is go back to the beginning again. Don't look to far ahead and just concentrate on getting through the next hour.
    Wishing you well from across the water.
    J xxx
    At times like these

  2. (((HUGS))) and sympathy. I hate the pranks, even though it seems like all of the kids do it. A couple of weeks ago we were "padded." (A whole package of sanitary pads covered with ketchup all over the yard.)

    As far as the insurance dilemma goes, that is a scary place to be. I hope you find a position that offers benefits very soon.

  3. J - Your words were so kind and heartfelt - just what I needed to hear! I can't tell you how much it helps to know that someone out there recognizes how hard life has been and that it is okay to feel overwhelmed. Everyone always expects me to be handling things (with a smile on my face besides) - maybe once in awhile life is just too much to bear and it is okay to even admit I can't handle it.

  4. Stella - I loved hearing about your "padded" yard which thankfully isn't done in my neck of the woods. I laughed and sent out a thanks for small blessings that the kids here either don't know about it or don't want to do it! I had never heard of it!

    Thanks for your kind hugs and sympathy. I'll call and find out about the insurance issue tomorrow. At least I'll know why we were denied and hopefully can find out when we will qualify for benefits.