Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I am not strong or invincible!

Right now I do not want to hear those platitudes about being a strong woman and doing everything by myself. Guess what? I've been there and done that for six long years now (eight if you count the years my husband was really sick and mostly hospitalized) and I just am worn out. I can't do this anymore! The only reason I am is because I have to. I have been "only" parenting since the boys were just seven and eight - they are now 15 and 16. That is a long time to be bearing such a load on one's shoulders

Right now the apartment is still in chaos. It is physically making me sick. Today at work I had to leave 10 minutes early with a migraine - I also felt as though I would faint. Who is telling married women to hang in there and do it all on their own? I get the badge of being a widow as well as the tedium of having to parent, cook, clean, work and survive on my lonesome. This move has been the straw breaking the camel's back. I don't have the energy, stamina or strength to keep this up anymore. I've reached my limit - six years of widowhood.

There are assistants out there to help everyone else - nurses for doctors (even aides for the nurses); paralegals for attorneys; aides for teachers; secretaries for corporate people; asst. mgrs. for managers; prep cooks for the chefs; junior editors for editors - I could go on more with this list but you get the idea. Where the hell on this list is any assistant or helper for the distraught/overworked widowed mom - the widowed middle-aged mom in the middle of her widowhood?

Today I am grateful:

1. For firefighters.
2. For paramedics/EMTs.
3. For police officers.
4. For the U.S. flag.
5. For laundry baskets. (Life is pretty dim when this is the best you can come up with).


  1. i have no words to offer. i have nothing to tell you that will take this pain, anger, and frustration away. i have nothing to infuse you with energy. i don't have the troubles you do. mine are different. my whole life has been about a different kind of loneliness and pain. i'm so sorry to read your voice coming from the edge.

    whenever, in my own private situation, i am this close to giving up, i go cry. you don't have that luxury. your boys need you and that is a good "only reason" to keep going. it was mine for 20 years until i could get away from the ex.

    my children are grown and a bit of role reversal has been taking place. they know what i did for them, what i endured, and what i gave up to get us away. they know how much i love my Dragon and the overwhelming grief that has settled in for the rest of my life. they know i'll never be the same. and they are there for me.

    it won't make you feel any better to say this but your sons will one day be old enough to carry a bit of the load. and then older to carry more. my words mean nothing right now beyond the fact that someone has read yours and understands (to a small degree) and empathizes with your pain and fears. i've laid in bed and wondered why i should get up anymore. i got this far. my children are grown. my Dragon is gone. what is left for me to get up for? who would really care beyond my children's tears and, i tell myself, they don't need me anymore. they will adjust. but i want to see them continue to live. i want to see what they do with their lives. and i want to see my Dragon. giving up and laying there won't get me to him. just wasting away would be boring and my Dragon taught me how boring boring is when there are so many things to feel - even pain, anger, and frustration.

    i won't offer any platitudes, or anymore if the above seemed platitude-ish. i just couldn't let my acknowledgment of your situation go unremarked upon. someone else is out here and i see you're in trouble. these words are my only rope. =o{

  2. Sometimes there aren't any words to say and that is okay. I have certainly been that route when Husband #1 died. But at the same time it is funny that although words from others can't take away my pain, they are at least helping me get it out by venting - a paradox!