This weekend I fell terribly short of packing/cleaning/clearing out. It just didn't get completed. Way too much for me to handle on my own and I miscalculated the amount of time needed to do it all. I have never moved like this before. I didn't grasp the sheer magnitude of it. Not to mention the exhaustion (physical and mental). Right now I am so tired and sore I am beyond feeling tired.
All kinds of feelings are churning up inside me. I see myself as a failure to some extent, although I know that isn't good for me right now - it is not serving any purpose except to make me feel worse. I am disappointed over the lack of "physical" help or muscle I received from my guyfriend. He had his son this weekend but I won't go there right now. I am feeling those triggers for me that relate to not having someone there for me. Guyfriend believes he has provided moral support but for this I needed someone actually by my side (not over the phone).
I have always been someone who has dropped what I was doing and put my needs aside to assist others. So I guess I am feeling some resentment that it doesn't get paid back to me.
Lastly, I guess is just all the widowhood stuff. Trying to do the job of two and always falling so short. Having to make all the decisions and organize everything. Running on empty but still expected to stand tall and strong... Parenting on my own. The boys helped with the packing but if I wasn't on them supervising they did some wacky things like putting all their clothing in sealed boxes. I asked what they planned to wear today and they had to reopen the boxes! Also, just putting breakables into boxes without packing paper. When I indicated my dismay they told me we could drive those boxes over in the car - just things like that. I know they were trying to help and doing the best they could. Everyone was on a short fuse by the end of the weekend!
The closing is still set for 11:00 a.m. but there is still so much left up in the air and I don't do well with that - I crave safety, security and knowing what is what. I rescheduled the movers for tomorrow a.m. to buy myself a little more time although there is still so much to do inside. I need another dumpster or Junk King or both! We're not sure if my mortgage lender's payoff letter arrived because of the holiday weekend so I may not get the funds today. We are supposedly going to sign a post possession agreement for 1-2 more days but until that is done I am worried about the buyer not agreeing to it. The holiday weekend jazzed things up and I wish I had known about it so I could have insisted on a closing date mid-week.
And wouldn't you know it - my period came yesterday. I do suffer from PMS (mood swings/upset) so surprisingly, I've been able to keep it together and not freak out. Some of my feelings of being overwhelmed, etc. may be attributed to my period. And if that were not bad enough, both commodes in the house are acting up and won't flush. Oh, joy! What a send off!
All in all just feeling drained beyond belief and at the point of throwing in the towel.